Tag: loving Page 2 of 8
I had never broken up with someone before, but now I’ve essentially had to do it twice in the span of a week or so. I feel like I don’t have the right to mourn or be sad because I was the one who said it’s over. In reality I know that is nonsense, I have just as much right as anyone to be sad about the ending of the relationships I worked hard on and put so much energy into the past months to years, but it’s difficult not to feel like I should not feel the way I do.
My heart aches for both of them every day. I have dreams about them and talk about them all the time. While I seem to be able to maintain a friendship with Onyx the possibility of that with Marla is extremely unlikely, next to impossible at this point really. I’m still somewhat in shock from everything that has happened, still very numb, still haven’t processed everything, and still don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know if I can stay here in Alaska or if I have another option at this point.
Their relationship wasn’t as deep as the ones I had with each of them. This is the longest Onyx and I have been away from each other in four years, and that alone would be enough to cripple me but that combined with being so far from Marla and knowing that I have and continue to hurt her just makes everything unbearable, to the point I have a hard time getting out of bed a lot of days. My motivation is shot and I’m just generally down.
While I was the one who called it quits, it wasn’t because I don’t want to be with either of them, if anything it’s because I want to be with both of them but had to make a choice. I love them both very much and will continue to love them, but the circumstances are such that I can’t be with either of them right now. I have high hopes for the future, and I feel like I survived one of the worst poly situations possible (not the only bad one, of course, and probably not the worst) so that’s something at least.
One of the biggest lessons that I learned from everything that has happened is I cannot be responsible for the emotions or emotional well being of others. It is something I have always done and probably will continue to do, but it is something I am working on. While this doesn’t mean I don’t care about the emotions of others or that I would stop empathizing or anything it does mean that I need to accept I cannot change their emotions or even help if they will not let me and that it is not responsibility to hold back my own feelings for the sake of someone elses (I’m still working on that last part).
I guess it’s self-explanatory to an extent, but for as long as I can remember I’ve taken on the responsibility of making sure everyone around me is happy, often to the detriment of my own happiness and well-being. I can’t say this will stop, but at least I’m going to be more aware of it. I also don’t think that wanting the people you love to be happy is a bad thing, but there is a point where it can be taken too far, especially if those around you are not willing or not wanting to change.
I am responsible, however, to my reactions to new relationship energy (NRE). I love NRE. I love the feeling of a new relationship, the excitement, the passion, the discovery, everything. This is dangerous, and something I want to go into more depth in another post, and I think this is the reason why we moved so quickly into everything.
It is easy for me to get caught up in a new relationship, I have discovered, and I also have a tendency to be a bit of a chameleon, changing myself to fit my partner’s desires without any conscious intent or effort on my part. This doesn’t work well when multiple partners with vastly different desires come into play.
So, I’m working on discovering myself outside of relationships, focusing on what I want and what I need both here and now and in the future. I have been so aimless since I graduated that I have lost sight of a lot of things, and it’s time to get that back.
I started the draft of this post with this title months ago and had the intention to write about the juxtaposition of how wonderful it was to lay between the two of them and how horrible it was to be between them when something was going wrong. Of course the title takes on even more meaning now that they have severed all ties to each other but they both still want to be with me.
I was constantly in the middle when we were all living together, not just physically. At first I would play messenger between them when things weren’t going well, they wouldn’t talk to each other like they would to me. Some point after I stopped playing messenger our communication simply got worse, we all felt trapped and simply shut down. We all agreed something needed to change, but didn’t have the means or the drive to change it.
I can see both sides now. I still love them both very much and I still want to be with them both, just as they both want to be with me. I do not do well with making decisions when I have to choose between two things I want. Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer “all” to “one.” I’m torn and do not know how to make a choice like this.
My entire life is crumbling around me and the two people who have been central to my life are at odds and I am unable to confide in either of them fully or find the support in them that I am used to. This is difficult on all of us for different reasons, and it seems we each think we have it the worst when in reality there is no “worse” in this situation.
I have been asked many times why can’t I just continue to be with both of them, why must I make a choice. While I was told by one of them that me being with both of them might be okay as long as I don’t live with the other person I was told by the other that due to everything that happened it would be extremely difficult. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice: thinking I can have both of them and having that end with none of us happy or getting what we need.
This evening Marla mentioned fearing that no matter who I chose I would end up resenting them for making me choose. I am trying to prevent this by taking the time to figure out what I need above all else. I love them both, I want them both, I don’t know how to choose but I know that rushing into a decision will end up with me and/or everyone unhappy.
At the same time I know that taking too long or indecision is a decision all in and of itself. I’m trying to find the balance there, but maybe I’ve already taken too long. By trying to avoid hurting one of them I will probably end up hurting both of them.
The other option, of course, is to choose neither. One of the things I fear the most is hurting someone that I love, and in this situation I would be hurting both of the people who I desperately want to spend my life with, this seems like the worst solution because of that. This isn’t to say this option isn’t tempting, it bypasses me having to favor one over the other, but it guarantees that we all will be hurting more than we already are. On the flip side, if I make a choice two of us will be hurting over a choice and the other will still be hurting over the rest of the situation.
All I can do is try to figure out what is best for me, and that’s what I’m trying to encourage them both to do as well. I am not used to putting myself first in any situation, but I am working on how to do that. I’m trying not to take too long as to drive both of them away but to take long enough that I know I am making the right decision, or at least as much as I am able to know that.
I’m highly surprised at how little I’ve been writing on here lately. I have so many drafts in the works but so little desire to finish them most of the time. I’m still feeling similar to what I wrote about in my disconnected post, and I just got a temp job (hoping it will turn permanent) working at the University Bookstore which helps as far as money issues that I’ve been having (though not a lot).
In some ways I feel like I can’t authentically express everything that is going on in my head and heart and so therefore I don’t feel like expressing any of it. At the same time I’ve got a build-up of emotions that really just needs to be let loose. Remember those days when I was posting every day? I kind of miss that a lot. I want to get back to it, but I’m not sure how.
I’m at once ecstatically happy and extremely depressed with my current living situation. Onyx and Marla are both amazing and I love them both very much but nothing is working the way any of us planned or wanted. I went into it knowing that things change and there was the possibility of just about anything but I never expected things to work out the way they have.
They each act differently around me than they do around each other and so often I feel closed off from one or both of them when the three of us are together. I’m not sure how they interact with each other when I’m not there (obviously) so I don’t know if this happens only when the three of us are together or if it is the nature of their relationship, though I think it’s probably the latter. This makes it difficult for me, and when the three of us are together we feel like three roommates instead of three lovers.
Not too long ago Sinclair talked about differing needs within relationships, that the relationship itself has needs in addition to the people within it. I’ve mentioned before that within our triad there are four relationships: mine and Onyx’s, mine and Marla’s, Marla and Onyx’s, and the three of us together, when you add in the fact that each of those relationships have needs and the three of us have needs that’s a whole lot of needs going on there. I really wonder if any of the seven different needs are actually getting met.
More later?
I have abandonment issues. Though, really, doesn’t everyone to one extent or another? I think this is one of the biggest issues with poly for me, specifically moving from a V type relationship to a triad, I’m worried that my partners will find something they like in each other better than they like in me and cast me aside. I think this is a pretty common fear, and why a lot of triads don’t work out so well, though there are a lot of other factors as well of course, but this is a big one.
I know this is a fear both my partners have as well. For Onyx I’ve always maintained the fact that I’m more attracted and connect more with women than I do with men and so when Marla came in to the picture he was worried that this was just a way for me to leave him. When she moved here and things didn’t work out the way we all thought they would (and, sidenote, if you haven’t read his post on the subject I highly suggest doing so. I’ll be here when you get back, promise. No, really, go. I’ll wait. … Okay. Anyway.) that was triggered in him even more, because his relationship with me suffered greatly from that as well.
From things Marla has said to me I know she worries about this as well, especially being the one coming into the existing relationship she’s mentioned worrying that we will decide she’s not worth it, or that we don’t want her, or that she’s too much work and Onyx and I would rather be alone. I don’t and never have forseen any of these things happening, but that doesn’t mean the fear and insecurity isn’t there.
The thing I’ve come to, however, after these six or so weeks since Marla moved in with us, is that while there are ups and downs in the frequency of having sex being intimate with one of my partners just makes me want to be intimate with the other, it fills me with desire rather than taking away from the desire I have for the other. Call it greedyness, perhaps, or indecisiveness, or maybe just the way my poly brain works, but it’s true.
Despite having been with Onyx for much longer the two of them are linked in my head, and even though we three haven’t had sex together in a while that idea is still in my head as well, of course, and I look forward to the day we are all able to do that again. I even look forward to the day that they desire to be sexual with each other with or without me, knowing that my partners are happy together is going to be amazing. I’m sure I will still feel a twinge of uneasyness, but at the very least I’m anticipating my compersion.
I find it immensely interesting that my desire for one is linked with desire for the other. I don’t feel like they are not separate entities that I must divide my love between, but rather each enhances my love for the other, that they compliment each other rather than taking away.
I’m excited to reach this stage, even, and hope they will eventually be able to find the same thing in each other and me.
I’ve been feeling disconnected with the world lately, both offline and on. A lot of this started when the triad formed, but also it has been going on increasingly since I stopped working and this long over-a-year that I haven’t been able to get a job.
I was so hopeful for a job I interviewed for last Friday. I have yet to hear back and that is sinking me down into sadness. Couple that with both my partners being distant and on-edge and I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time.
I’m writing this from the park, a wonderful place for some introspection and thought. The world around me feels more and more like a mystery every day, and I continually feel unable to grasp it, like the tangible reality I built over the last however many years is slipping away from me and I’m not sure how to get it back. How can I connect with a world that doesn’t seem to want me or work for me? I’m trying to figure this out. The only answer I have come to is to build a new world around me, so I’m trying to do just that.
I’m having a difficult time with it, though. Looking back I have reconstructed my reality multiple times. Every time I move or any of those fundimental aspects of my life change: location, company, desires, work. They all seem to be minor changes compared to now, but maybe every change seems minor in heindsight.
But, this is about disconnection, which is also about change, and loss, and pain. I aspire to such great things but don’t know how to get my footing in the now in order to achieve them. I live by trial and error these days, awash in uncertainty and trying to find pleasure in every day no matter how disconnected I feel.
I need grounding, something to prove to me that what I’m doing is right, is working, but I think I can only find that in myself.
I’ve never been one to be huge on stats. Although I definitely think they’re interesting and I love looking around at who got to my sites from where and what they looked at I don’t care much for numbers. I would rather have dedicated readers that care and comment then hundreds of readers who only sort of pay attention. For that matter, even if I didn’t have anyone reading this blog I would still be writing it, because it’s as much for me as it is for you… or maybe more for me.
Lately I’ve not been writing as much as I had been previously, basically since my relationship with Marla really took off. I regret that and really wish I had been posting more stuff about not just our relationship but also my everyday life and what is going on. Part of the reason I haven’t is I’m not sure what I want to reveal and what I don’t. When Onyx and I used to have issues I would voice them here, but in the last year or so I’ve tended to sugarcoat things more often than not, afraid that something will be taken the wrong way or taken as a constant even if it is a passing annoyance.
This is the trap of publishing something, even online. Once it’s down in text and out there for anyone to see it becomes more difficult to take back just by nature of being out there. Language is powerful, as I have preached before in other circumstances, but I think I’m overthinking things, as per usual. I need an outlet of some kind, and writing is the easiest way for me to do that.
So I’m going to try to write like noone is reading, write for myself rather than anyone else. I’ve been contemplating utilizing the password protection feature of wordpress, or even my livejournal which has sat practically unused since I started this blog, but that doesn’t appeal to me as much as having an open and honest space to spill my inner monologue and just get it out there. I’m just worried that a mind dump will be detrimental rather than helpful because it will do lasting damage that outweighs the satisfaction of getting my feelings out there. Then again, this may not be a bad thing.
Granted, this has never been a complete dumping ground for my random thoughts, I do have structure and I do keep in mind that these words are read, and I have often avoided more personal subjects (relatively speaking, as sex and relationships are definitely personal but a personal of a different kind. However, I have a tendency to hold everything in until I explode and I don’t want to do that. I just need to figure out the best way to do that.
When did sex become such a big deal? I mean, don’t get me wrong, my spirituality is heavily tied in with sex and sexuality, and in many ways it is a big deal, but at the same time who cares. Sex is fun and I, personally, like my sex to have laughter and a feeling of casual exploartion and passion. I want it to be free to be what it is, be it led by one person or another taking on a Top role, or just a casual fun exciting time had by all, but it feels like sex has become much more than that.
I want sex to be people having fun and exploring each other’s bodies (exploring regardless of how many other times the people involved have the bumps and nooks and crannys of the others ingrained in to their memory). There should be something new every time, even if the routine or props or positions are similar, because every time is a new time to be intimate and explore. I want sex to be fun.
Lately I feel like sex has so many other connotations. Onyx and Marla aren’t really sexual with each other separately, we three have been sexual together and I have been sexual with each of them, and there are so many implications that sex with one or both of them has to the relationship at large. I know it’s necessary to a point, of course, because sex does have implications and connotations but at the same time I just want sex to be sex.
Onyx and I have been having sex for four years, nearly five if you count cyber and phone sex, and yet in the past few months our sex has changed rather dramatically, though not in a bad way. Our sex and, for that matter, our sexual and relational dynamic has always been fluid and subject to change.
I felt guilty for being able to have sex with him and not being able to have sex with Marla when she was still 3000 miles away, and since she’s been here I’ve wavered back and forth over actually wanting to have sex with Onyx, mostly because of an incident we had after she moved which I haven’t written about. I should clarify, never have I not wanted to have sex with him, but there have been times I’ve been indifferent as my NRE with Marla was coursing strong and I was rather obsessed with her.
Lately, the last week or so, I’ve been feeling the NRE slowly melting into just plain ol’ relationship energy as Marla and I get used to being around each other and living with each other. That’s not to say the passion and desire isn’t still there, but it’s not as much of a driving need as it was, although we do still need and want and crave each other, but in a more realistic way I feel. It’s difficult to explain.
Marla and I have always had great sex, it’s at times incredibly hot and at other times incredibly goofy, and it has been like that since the first time we fucked. We feel free and comfortable with each other and we both seem to know certain buttons to push on the other as well to turn them on quickly.
With the three of us sex has been complicated, for Marla and myself especially I think as we both have more possessive tendencies than Onyx does, and seeing the other with him has frequently been difficult. I haven’t had to deal with Marla and Onyx having sex without me yet, and I’m both terrified and excited for when it actually does happen, as I think it will change a lot of things and enhance their relationship as well as the triad but at the same time I’m worried about how I will react to it. I have not yet mastered the art of compersion as they haven’t interacted enough to give me practice at it.
I think some of the complications could be taken from it if we can get back to thinking of sex as casual and taking away the potential negative connotations to it, though that’s much easier said than done of course and I’m not really sure how to do that. I want to put the fun and the goofy back in sex with all three of us, and to get to a place where we can all be comfortable and happy. I am confident this will be able to happen, right now it’s a question of when.
July 28th was the fourth anniversary of the day Onyx and I met face-to-face. On that day we had known each other online for eight or so months and were supposed to have met the week before but he had issues with his standby flight. I remember waiting anxiously for his taxi to reach my apartment.
This year we didn’t do anything for it in particular, but it was worthy to note and marvel at. We have been taking stock of our relationship lately, and it is bizarre to think that it has been so long but also so short of a time. In some ways we have come full circle, in others we are worlds away from where we were when we first got together.
August 26th will be the three year anniversary of the day I moved in with him, the day I moved quite a few hundred miles from my familiar southern Oregon life to the repressive Salt Lake City. SLC wasn’t all bad, we were able to find happiness with each other in an environment which wasn’t conductive to either of us being happy.
We had our share of issues, and still do, although I wonder if I have been playing them up more lately in preparation for the possibility of losing him. This triad isn’t going the way any of us suspected and it’s difficult all around. We all are trying to figure out what to do without really knowing what will work.
Looking back over the years we both have changed immensely. We have grown together and separately, we’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t, we still have desire for each other even if the initial passion we had for each other is long gone.
Four years is a long time for some, short for others, but it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, my second-longest clocking in closer to four months. It’s been a learning experience, and while there are a lot of changes going on and a lot of things are up in the air, in thinking over everything I know I hope to have at least four more years and hopefully as many as I can get.
This week’s HNT was Marla’s idea. We’ve been doing a lot of gender play since she got here in many different forms, and that combined with my newly cut hair, walking through this park a couple days ago and wanting to take pictures in front of the waterfalls, and the dress she’s wearing (which I was wearing yesterday) all gave her the idea for these shots.
I set up and took the pictures with my tripod and little camera remote (so handy!).
We got a little naughty in the park, it’s rare I’m on the other side of the skirt and I took full advantage of the fact she wasn’t wearing panties. Luckily there weren’t too many people around. You can see a hint of that in a couple of the pictures below.
Click any picture for a larger version of the same.
First a little of me…
One of her…
Then a little of us…
Check out Marla’s HNT for some of the same and some different photos!