taiWelcome! I’m Tai Scarlet Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and prefer the pronouns ne/nem/nir or they/them. I spend a lot of my time thinking about sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, erotic psychology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
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08.20

2009

Disconnected

I’ve been feeling disconnected with the world lately, both offline and on. A lot of this started when the triad formed, but also it has been going on increasingly since I stopped working and this long over-a-year that I haven’t been able to get a job.

I was so hopeful for a job I interviewed for last Friday. I have yet to hear back and that is sinking me down into sadness. Couple that with both my partners being distant and on-edge and I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time.

I’m writing this from the park, a wonderful place for some introspection and thought. The world around me feels more and more like a mystery every day, and I continually feel unable to grasp it, like the tangible reality I built over the last however many years is slipping away from me and I’m not sure how to get it back. How can I connect with a world that doesn’t seem to want me or work for me? I’m trying to figure this out. The only answer I have come to is to build a new world around me, so I’m trying to do just that.

I’m having a difficult time with it, though. Looking back I have reconstructed my reality multiple times. Every time I move or any of those fundimental aspects of my life change: location, company, desires, work. They all seem to be minor changes compared to now, but maybe every change seems minor in heindsight.

But, this is about disconnection, which is also about change, and loss, and pain. I aspire to such great things but don’t know how to get my footing in the now in order to achieve them. I live by trial and error these days, awash in uncertainty and trying to find pleasure in every day no matter how disconnected I feel.

I need grounding, something to prove to me that what I’m doing is right, is working, but I think I can only find that in myself.



5 Responses to “Disconnected”



  1. alabi2k says:

    I can relate 100 %. I have been unemployed for well over a year, and my RL situation is getting ugly, most likely because of flustration, or maybe me just not keeping anything bottled up anymore.

    I keep telling myself that maybe a move and complete fresh start would be the answer..but I hesitate, because of all the possible repercussions ..or just ending up broke and homeless..(Not my thing)

    Alabi2k

      


  2. Can’t offer such but I’m sorry to hear that you are down and feeling disconnected.

    I can only offer what I do and that is to pamper yourself as much as possible. Long walks, baths, time outdoors etc.

    Crossing my fingers for the job for you, hopefully they are just slow. I had to wait till a month to hear back from one.
    .-= Alpine Subdreams´s last blog ..Review: Fox Fur Paddle =-.

      


  3. Wilhelmina says:

    i’ve been feeling the same way… probably due to living in a new place for the summer and not knowing anyone here… but i’ve been feeling VERY disconnected online, which is strange for me since that’s hardly ever been the case. i guess it’s because the more involved i get + the more people i meet, there’s less closeness with individual people. i’ll have to work on changing that.

    good on you for going to a job interview in the first place. it’s difficult, can be daunting, takes guts… and don’t let your bad mood stop you from trying.
    .-= Wilhelmina´s last blog ..HNT: Peepshow =-.

      


  4. DominaKarin says:

    I think many of us are going through some changes, especially with the economy the way it is. I hop we get out of this mess soon as it affects everything. I get disconnected because of my kinks and being a dominant woman.

      


  5. kimmydora says:

    It’s feel so disconnected when your down because that’s natural. Life is not challenging when your always on top.

      


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