Tag: life Page 7 of 8

Coming Out

On October 14, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection

I’ve never really had to come out before. Until I met Onyx I was heavily involved in queer activism, which isn’t to say there aren’t straight queer activists because there are, but people assumed I was queer instead of the other way around. I had to come out as in a relationship with a man on many occasions after Onyx and I got together, which was weird in and of itself, but I got used to it. I’ve come out as queer a few times while living with Onyx, but usually it was to queers or queer allies and involved musing about the circumstance of being queer while in a heterosexual (though not straight) relationship.

Now that Marla and I are together, however, I am realizing coming out in a way I’ve never really had to before.

I recently started a new job (hooray!) and I haven’t officially come out to my co-workers. While I do sport my newest rendition of a super short awesome fauxhawky hairdo I also wear skirts and generally have fun bluring gender lines as much as possible. I don’t really make it a habit to talk about my personal life with coworkers, but the one time I referred to Marla in a conversation I called her my roommate. It was odd, and I’m not sure why I did it.

For the record, I’m not upset that I said “roommate,” and Marla isn’t mad about it or anything as that is what she called me for the first few weeks at her job, more than anything I’m curious as to why I said it and why I didn’t just say “girlfriend” or “partner” or something like that, and I’m interested at this new position I’m in to actually come out to co-workers in a fairly uncomplicated way.

I know the store I work at is queer friendly, as there are plenty of other queers that work there, and I think part of it has to do with my position of having not just a girlfriend but also a boyfriend and not wanting to get into the whole poly business with people I barely know and may or may not get to know much better in the future.

I have a feeling part of it is because of the temporary position of my job. While I’ve worked with many of the people multiple times I haven’t yet been offered a permanent position despite applying for various different ones. I think in some ways I don’t see the need to be open and honest about it with people I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be seeing again. Then again, I can’t tell if that’s even a reasonable reason, or if any of this really matters that much.

From the way I look and the way I dress now I think I’m much more visibly queer than I used to be. I also have a rainbow bracelet that I wear which Marla made for me and am sure that is a tip off for those who actually care.

Maybe that’s part of it too, though, those who actually care. If they care they would probe and it’s not as big of a deal to me as it used to be, it’s part of life but not something I feel the need to shout to everyone like I used to when I was in high school and would wear my shirt that says “I kiss girls” in rainbow letters. Maybe it’s not as big of a deal anymore because it is how it is and these aren’t people who would really care if I have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or both, as the case may be.

Desire for One

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 21, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

I have abandonment issues. Though, really, doesn’t everyone to one extent or another? I think this is one of the biggest issues with poly for me, specifically moving from a V type relationship to a triad, I’m worried that my partners will find something they like in each other better than they like in me and cast me aside. I think this is a pretty common fear, and why a lot of triads don’t work out so well, though there are a lot of other factors as well of course, but this is a big one.

I know this is a fear both my partners have as well. For Onyx I’ve always maintained the fact that I’m more attracted and connect more with women than I do with men and so when Marla came in to the picture he was worried that this was just a way for me to leave him. When she moved here and things didn’t work out the way we all thought they would (and, sidenote, if you haven’t read his post on the subject I highly suggest doing so. I’ll be here when you get back, promise. No, really, go. I’ll wait. … Okay. Anyway.) that was triggered in him even more, because his relationship with me suffered greatly from that as well.

From things Marla has said to me I know she worries about this as well, especially being the one coming into the existing relationship she’s mentioned worrying that we will decide she’s not worth it, or that we don’t want her, or that she’s too much work and Onyx and I would rather be alone. I don’t and never have forseen any of these things happening, but that doesn’t mean the fear and insecurity isn’t there.

The thing I’ve come to, however, after these six or so weeks since Marla moved in with us, is that while there are ups and downs in the frequency of having sex being intimate with one of my partners just makes me want to be intimate with the other, it fills me with desire rather than taking away from the desire I have for the other. Call it greedyness, perhaps, or indecisiveness, or maybe just the way my poly brain works, but it’s true.

Despite having been with Onyx for much longer the two of them are linked in my head, and even though we three haven’t had sex together in a while that idea is still in my head as well, of course, and I look forward to the day we are all able to do that again. I even look forward to the day that they desire to be sexual with each other with or without me, knowing that my partners are happy together is going to be amazing. I’m sure I will still feel a twinge of uneasyness, but at the very least I’m anticipating my compersion.

I find it immensely interesting that my desire for one is linked with desire for the other. I don’t feel like they are not separate entities that I must divide my love between, but rather each enhances my love for the other, that they compliment each other rather than taking away.

I’m excited to reach this stage, even, and hope they will eventually be able to find the same thing in each other and me.

Disconnected

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 20, 2009

In Introspection

I’ve been feeling disconnected with the world lately, both offline and on. A lot of this started when the triad formed, but also it has been going on increasingly since I stopped working and this long over-a-year that I haven’t been able to get a job.

I was so hopeful for a job I interviewed for last Friday. I have yet to hear back and that is sinking me down into sadness. Couple that with both my partners being distant and on-edge and I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time.

I’m writing this from the park, a wonderful place for some introspection and thought. The world around me feels more and more like a mystery every day, and I continually feel unable to grasp it, like the tangible reality I built over the last however many years is slipping away from me and I’m not sure how to get it back. How can I connect with a world that doesn’t seem to want me or work for me? I’m trying to figure this out. The only answer I have come to is to build a new world around me, so I’m trying to do just that.

I’m having a difficult time with it, though. Looking back I have reconstructed my reality multiple times. Every time I move or any of those fundimental aspects of my life change: location, company, desires, work. They all seem to be minor changes compared to now, but maybe every change seems minor in heindsight.

But, this is about disconnection, which is also about change, and loss, and pain. I aspire to such great things but don’t know how to get my footing in the now in order to achieve them. I live by trial and error these days, awash in uncertainty and trying to find pleasure in every day no matter how disconnected I feel.

I need grounding, something to prove to me that what I’m doing is right, is working, but I think I can only find that in myself.

Write Like Noone is Reading

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 13, 2009

In Introspection, Site Specific

I’ve never been one to be huge on stats. Although I definitely think they’re interesting and I love looking around at who got to my sites from where and what they looked at I don’t care much for numbers. I would rather have dedicated readers that care and comment then hundreds of readers who only sort of pay attention. For that matter, even if I didn’t have anyone reading this blog I would still be writing it, because it’s as much for me as it is for you… or maybe more for me.

Lately I’ve not been writing as much as I had been previously, basically since my relationship with Marla really took off. I regret that and really wish I had been posting more stuff about not just our relationship but also my everyday life and what is going on. Part of the reason I haven’t is I’m not sure what I want to reveal and what I don’t. When Onyx and I used to have issues I would voice them here, but in the last year or so I’ve tended to sugarcoat things more often than not, afraid that something will be taken the wrong way or taken as a constant even if it is a passing annoyance.

This is the trap of publishing something, even online. Once it’s down in text and out there for anyone to see it becomes more difficult to take back just by nature of being out there. Language is powerful, as I have preached before in other circumstances, but I think I’m overthinking things, as per usual. I need an outlet of some kind, and writing is the easiest way for me to do that.

So I’m going to try to write like noone is reading, write for myself rather than anyone else. I’ve been contemplating utilizing the password protection feature of wordpress, or even my livejournal which has sat practically unused since I started this blog, but that doesn’t appeal to me as much as having an open and honest space to spill my inner monologue and just get it out there. I’m just worried that a mind dump will be detrimental rather than helpful because it will do lasting damage that outweighs the satisfaction of getting my feelings out there. Then again, this may not be a bad thing.

Granted, this has never been a complete dumping ground for my random thoughts, I do have structure and I do keep in mind that these words are read, and I have often avoided more personal subjects (relatively speaking, as sex and relationships are definitely personal but a personal of a different kind. However, I have a tendency to hold everything in until I explode and I don’t want to do that. I just need to figure out the best way to do that.

Four Years

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 7, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Introspection

It's remarkable how long we've tolerated each other

July 28th was the fourth anniversary of the day Onyx and I met face-to-face. On that day we had known each other online for eight or so months and were supposed to have met the week before but he had issues with his standby flight. I remember waiting anxiously for his taxi to reach my apartment.

This year we didn’t do anything for it in particular, but it was worthy to note and marvel at. We have been taking stock of our relationship lately, and it is bizarre to think that it has been so long but also so short of a time. In some ways we have come full circle, in others we are worlds away from where we were when we first got together.

August 26th will be the three year anniversary of the day I moved in with him, the day I moved quite a few hundred miles from my familiar southern Oregon life to the repressive Salt Lake City. SLC wasn’t all bad, we were able to find happiness with each other in an environment which wasn’t conductive to either of us being happy.

We had our share of issues, and still do, although I wonder if I have been playing them up more lately in preparation for the possibility of losing him. This triad isn’t going the way any of us suspected and it’s difficult all around. We all are trying to figure out what to do without really knowing what will work.

Looking back over the years we both have changed immensely. We have grown together and separately, we’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t, we still have desire for each other even if the initial passion we had for each other is long gone.

Four years is a long time for some, short for others, but it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, my second-longest clocking in closer to four months. It’s been a learning experience, and while there are a lot of changes going on and a lot of things are up in the air, in thinking over everything I know I hope to have at least four more years and hopefully as many as I can get.

Sickeningly Sweet (HNT)

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 2, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

These were taken less than an hour before we all went to the airport last time she was here. A lot has happened since.

I think her latest post sums up quite a lot, and captures the excitement and fear we all are feeling for different reasons on her moving here. She will be here on Saturday the 4th indefinitely.

She is making a wonderful sacrifice for us, leaving her family, friends, and life behind to come up here to Seattle to be with us, to start a new life. It’s not going to be easy, and we’re all apprehensive about what lies ahead while also being extremely excited to be together.

I love them both so amazingly much. Every day brings her closer to us, and every day brings us all closer together in one way or another. We are all realizing past mistakes and committed to correcting them. We are dedicated and committed to each other, and that will get us farther than many.

The thing I’ve heard most from people when telling them about our relationship dynamic is that triads aren’t easy. This is undoubtedly true, though no relationship worth having is going to be easy. Throw in the fact that one partner has been thousands of miles away for the last six months and that just makes it that much more complicated. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s definitely been worth it.

As we creep closer to that wonderful moment when we will all be together again my excitement builds far faster than my fear. I know everything will work out, we’ve been through so much already that we know how committed we all are to the other. Living together will create new unique challenges and issues to work through but we will get through them together and be stronger because of it.

The (Un)conference: Getting to D.C. & Sex 2.0

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On May 29, 2009

In Introspection, Sex Blogging

Part of my trip to NYC and Washington D.C., continued from The Beginning: New York City. There will be more posts after this as well.

Somehow (after going the wrong way) I made it to the Bolt Bus with my stuff with about 15 minutes to spare before the bus was supposed to be there. I got a little to eat before heading out to the bus only to discover it was the wrong bus. That didn’t matter so much as I met up with Mollena, Essin’ Em, and MayMay before heading onto the bus. Not long after we were met by AvatarKoo and Sascha and the six of us headed on what was affectionately called the Sex Bus!

While there was a lot of chatting there was also a lot of quiet on the five hours that it took for us to go from NYC to D.C. and I got a bit of sleep (I had been kept up late the night before talking with Onyx and Marla). Bolt Bus has power plugs and wifi, which is why we all wanted to take it, but both stopped working halfway through the ride, which was highly annoying. I used that time to sleep, though, and it was no big deal.

Once we got to D.C., Mollena, Essin’ Em, and I took a cab to the hotel and got settled in. We had learned while on the bus that the pool and drinks activity scheduled was canceled as the pool was not open! This was highly disappointing to me as I had been dreaming about swimming for a good while, luckily I was able to that weekend but that’s for later.

The wonderful Domina Doll was gracious enough to let me share her room, and we ended up meeting up in the hotel restaurant before heading up to our room and settling in. We chatted for quite some time while I was tweeting with Carnivalesq and texting with Onyx and Marla.

After getting to know each other offline a little bit Domina and I headed to Carnivalesq’s room to meet her and her boyfriend Ripley both of whom I already knew I was going to like but I immediately loved them! I felt like we all got along very well and was super excited to meet them. The four of us went out to get thai food at a nearby restaurant, then headed to a liquor store and bought wine for the evening/weekend.

We headed back to our respective hotel rooms and Domina and I broke out the wine while chatting some more. I really enjoyed talking with her, and there was a little drama going on with Marla, mostly me feeling bad and worrying, so we talked about that among many other things. I was so glad to have met her and I felt like we hit it off as well, though I knew that was going to happen.

We headed up to the Brownies and Porn event happening in Match’s room and there met lots of other people, I can’t even say who all was there, but that was the first time I met Jay and Ellie and so many other people were there. At the time I was busy worrying about meeting Marla, I had not yet bought our hotel room for the next two nights either, and I was just in anxiety-mode, which made being in a room full of people I didn’t know too well who were also being loud something that I didn’t want to do.

I headed back down to my room, made hotel reservations for the next two nights at a hotel in Alexandria, VA on the other side of D.C. (technically we were in Silver Springs, MD) and called the hotel to make sure their pool was open. It was. Score! Carnivalesq and Ripley came along not too soon after, there was chatting for a bit until they were tired and decided to head back to their room. It was a strange night all around, really.

I ended up staying up super late (read: 5am) talking on the phone with Onyx about my own fears and insecurities regarding meeting Marla, and so I also ended up sleeping until the keynote had already started. Quickly I woke Domina up, showered, got dressed, and headed down to the main floor where the conference was being held. I opted for breakfast instead of the first session but then opted for talking with Marla on the phone instead of breakfast. She was already on her way up to D.C.

The first session I went to (which was actually the second session) was Mollena’s “Flying Your Freak Flag” session, I came in late with Carnivalesq, then Ripley followed not long behind. It was a wonderful session, Mollena is absolutely wonderful and I really was glad that I had chosen to go to hers. There were several wonderful quotes which i couldn’t help but tweet and just generally enjoyed the session immensely. It was basically about the decision to be “out” about being part of a community, how being out can help others around you not just yourself. Every session I participated in seemed to come back to person vs. personae in one way or another, something I definitely want to write about at a later time.

After that session I talked with Marla and Onyx briefly before settling down to actually eat something since I had neglected to do so before. Carnivalesq and Ripley kept me company and Carnivalesq discovered the sugar packets were njoy brand (njoy being also the name of a sex toy company we all lust for). It was highly amusing. Can you tell I clung to them a bit the entire conference?

This entire time, also, Marla was getting closer and closer to D.C. and my excitement for that was building and distracting as I was also enjoying everything else.

I stuck with Carnivalesq and Ripley and updated briefly during Jack Stratton’s session “History of Written Erotica on the Internet” which was highly awesome and included a snippit from a tentacle porn story which was pretty awesome. I tweeted a few choice quotes from that session as well. It talked heavily on the difference between person vs. personae and the ability of having anonymity on the internet but that also evolving into a personae of it’s own. Quite interesting, and for another post.

She was even closer by the time the session started.

We stayed in the same room to participate in Jack Murnighan’s session “Sex Writing Beyond Erotica,” which discussed various types of sex writing and also ended up touching on person vs. personae as well as various other things, such as comfortability in sex writing (“If I’m really comfortable writing this, it probably isn’t going to be interesting” tweet), the ever-evasive (for me) showing vs. telling, and all sorts of other usual suspects when it comes to issues with sex writing/how to write sex/etc. Again, there were many quotable tweets.

That session was also especially amusing because, as I tweeted, I was sitting next to Carnivalesq, one row behind AvatarKoo, two rows behind Ellie Lumpesse, and also across the room from Minx, all of us with our laptops, all of us tweeting. After the session I stepped away from my computer for less than 20 minutes, when I came back there were 60+ tweets under the #Sex20 hashtag on twitter. We were also trending on twitter, meaning so many people were using the hashtag it officially became a trend. Crazy.

The final session I attended was “Revisiting Naked on the Internet” with Audacia Ray, FurryGirl, Melissa Gira and Amber Rhea. It dealt a lot with the person vs. personae idea again, as well as feminism or not, sex work, and living your life on the internet (kinda similar to person vs. personae also).

After the session I went to the vendor room with Carnivalesq, where Ripley had already bought a necklace from Vera for me! I didn’t know they were going to, and it was so sweet of them! I am currently wearing it, and haven’t actually taken it off since it was given to me, it’s a simple chain held together with a heart-shaped lock kinda like the one on my wrist. I had mentioned liking it earlier in the day. It was so super sweet of them, I’m still kinda floored by it!

Marla was so close I could almost taste her, so I said my goodbyes to Domina Doll (who I barely saw all day), Carnivalesq and Ripley, headed up to the hotel room, packed up my stuff, went downstairs and impatiently waited for her to get to the hotel.

Part of me is sad I didn’t stick around for that night and the next morning, but I had something more important to do. Heaven forbid having sex actually interfere with a conference about sexuality! I really enjoyed all the sessions, and I have a lot more I want to write about each of them but specifically under the topic they raised in me: person vs. personae. In Jack’s Sex 2.0 post he mentions the point of the conference, which I will gratefully ~~steal~~ quote:

“One thing Sex 2.0 seemed to say to me is that we (feminists, sex workers, BDSM, poly community, LGBT, creators of explicit art and media, anyone ostracized, marginalized, disadvantaged or persecuted because of their sexual identity, choice or profession) may be part of different movements, but we have a lot of similar goals and we should come together and learn how to be better allies. We are all fighting first and foremost to have our voices heard, thus it makes sense for us to create forums where all voices can be heard.”

I couldn’t have said it better. It was a wonderful experience and I’m excited for the next Sex 2.0 to be held here in Seattle and further participation in it next year.

Meeting Marla, heading to the hotel, and the rest of the weekend? That will have to come in the next post…

Emotional Roller Coasters

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On May 1, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

There have been so many things happening in the last week that I don’t really know where to start, but let’s see…

I’ll start with pointing you to the last few posts I did on this subject. Overflow about a week ago Thursday when I was overcome with emotion and broke down, unable to really talk about what was going on, but analyzed it afterward. This occurrence and post kind of kick-started the last week of communication and growth between Marla, Onyx, and myself. It has been both incredibly difficult and amazingly wonderful, often at the same time.

The next day (Friday) I wrote On the Transition from Mono to Poly to Triad further exploring my fears, insecurities, and worries while also expressing my excitement. On Sunday I wrote Scared

In between and since all of these posts we’ve all talked, many a time. Marla wrote about the last few days today in a post titled Emotional Hangover which is wonderful and a much shorter recounting of the happenings than I will probably give, just because I can’t stop myself, so if you don’t want to read all my babble you can go over and read her post to get a good impression of the happenings. Or you can go read her post to get her perspective on things too.

There has been so much going on since Sunday, or really since last Thursday, that I don’t think I can go into too much detail because there has just been way too much. We all have insecurities, some of them very similar and some of them vastly different, but they are there nonetheless. The good part is that we have all grown so much more comfortable with each other in the last week especially so we are really able to say things when something happens that upsets us rather than bottling it up. None of us are really able to say something right away, but usually soon after.

Anytime anyone has something that hurt them or that they are insecure about, fearful of, worried about, etc. we all try to talk together about whatever is going on and emphasize that these feelings are not bad to have or to feel. One thing we all struggle with is getting away from the tendency to bottle everything up or say “this is just my issue they don’t need to know,” though I feel like all of us are much more open and able to allow ourselves to express these things to the others due to the experiences in the last few weeks.

I feel like the three of us have gotten better at communication in general over the last week, and we’ve all gotten so much more comfortable expressing things to each other, both of which are vital for our triad to move forward in any real way. It’s so amazingly exciting, and we’ve gotten to a place of joy and love which has it’s ups and downs but the ups make the downs far worth it.

We all have a tendency to wait for the other shoe to drop, expect something bad to happen, overanalyze, and worry. Of course, we’re human with emotions and are capable of vast emotional switches, but it seems like every day for the last week has just been endless really high highs and really low lows, which has both brought us closer and taken a bit of a toll. Luckily the toll isn’t that bad, just annoying usually emotional hangovers.

We’ve each at some point freaked out over something or another, all valid emotional complaints, but all things we have been able to talk about and work through together, which has been amazing.

I’m still not completely secure in Onyx and Marla relating sexually, but the more Marla and I get comfortable being sexual the more I will be okay with that, I think. Marla and my sexual relationship has moved forward in the past week, as well, we have talked about or worries with the other and become more sexual. On the flip side, Onyx and Marla have gotten much more emotionally connected in the last week and they have progressed greatly there.

Even though I’m getting more comfortable with their sexual relationship I’m still extremely insecure about their relating on a D/s level which I find interesting. Onyx brought something up last night that made it make more sense, basically that he has less to be threatened about in some ways due to the gender of our relationship as well as the power within it.

By definition my relationship with her is going to be different, though there will be many similarities because she and I are both female our relationship will be rather different than my relationship with onyx. I also will probably primarily be topping her, and I’m primarily submissive with Onyx, so that is quite different as well.

However, their relationship is going to be more similar to his and mine than I have really prepared myself for, not only because it is a male/female relationship like mine and Onyx’s but also because primarily he will be the Top and she the bottom, as he doesn’t really switch all that much though occasionally.

I just see that as being a little too close for comfort sometimes, especially since I am rather insecure about my abilities as a submissive/bottom. I assume that she will be better than I at this, and I assume that he will have an easier time topping her because he has often had a difficult time topping me. I think I will be very envious of this once they start getting even more sexual and start exploring bdsm and power with one another.

In addition, Onyx and I have been talking about me having another partner for quite some time. It started with Kat and we’ve been talking about it ever since, so he’s had a year to prepare sharing me with someone else. He and I have never before explored me sharing him with another person, so I was not prepared for it at all and not used to the idea at all either. It’s been a real shock, actually, how much I’ve not been prepared for it.

I know this will continue to be an issue for me, but it’s one that they are both aware of and we are all working to understand and help me feel better about. This does not mean they are going to not be sexual, but it does mean they will understand if I get upset and need to talk about something. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not extremely happy that they are getting closer both sexually and emotionally, because I really am.

One of the biggest problems we have now that we’ve worked through so much stuff over the last week, is that Marla is so far away and we are all unable to physically be together. She and I are planning on meeting May 10th in Washington D.C., though that’s still a little up in the air if it will actually happen we’re planning that it will because it almost has to at this point. Then we are planning on bringing her up here to Seattle at the end of June for all three of us to be together.

The situation we have now is really not fair to her at all. Onyx and I are able to physically be together, be sexual without her, and she has felt very left out of that. We all talked last night about this, and tried to emphasize that she is welcome and invited, but even the idea of being on the phone while we are fucking was a little too much for her. I suggested some alternate methods of communication and inclusion, but we are still working on what might be best. I think once we meet it will be easier and more difficult for her.

Anyone want to move her up here now so that we can all be together? Pretty please?

And, here are some of the songs I’ve been listening to quite a lot lately. Perfect Fingers is not actually by Ani it’s by Tami Greer. The Landon Pigg song is one that Marla introduced me to. The other songs are just wonderful sappy love songs.

Overflow

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 23, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

Do I really come off so pretentious? I realize that for myself and many others it’s easy to hide behind barriers of knowledge and pride when in reality all we are inside is glass that has been broken one too many times.

I look down too often to find a piece of myself I forgot I was missing casually lying at my feet. I pick it up and try to piece myself back together, sometimes the hole that I had grown accustomed to feels strange once filled again. I had been used to missing that piece of myself. I’m never as smooth or shiny as I used to be. The cracks never go away.

Too much of a cliche? Well, that’s kind of me in a nutshell. Did it again? Oh yes, over and over.

I have perfected the art of silent crying. We are both on our sides, his arm around me, his body against mine, and tears stream down my face. I’m not sure if he can tell or not, and different parts of me wish for either recognition or ignorance. I’m usually not sure which is better.

My breath is ragged but I work hard to control it, try not to shake even though I can tell I am. He has gotten to understand what the long quick intakes of breath mean between the sobs that I don’t allow to wrack my body but I so desperately want to. The solace I am often offered makes me cry harder, so I usually reject it even though I need it.

On nights like these, I write posts like this in my head, but they never come out the same as I imagine them.

Feelings of inadequacy and doubt are always made more by the frustration, irritation, and anger I turn inward. How dare I feel this way! Why do I think such horrible things? Why do I feel like this when everything in my head is telling me not to? How can I stop?

On nights like these, I teeter precariously close to hating myself over hating the situation or my own reactions. It’s sometimes difficult to separate the one from the other.

I tell myself it’s stupid, not something I should care about, even when I know that the best thing to do in this situation is talk about it, acknowledge it, let the others in the situation help me work through the issue and get to a better understanding it. I do have a Psychology degree, for all that it doesn’t do for me, and I can tap into that information and understand what I should do. The best advice I can give is advice I am rarely able to follow.

To further compound the issue I not only get upset at myself for this situation, but everything that has made me sad, upset, or depressed in the last few weeks or even months or years comes bubbling to the surface. I can’t not think about that one little thing that got under my skin, the time I stuck my foot in my mouth and my staircase wit would have been so brilliant if I had thought to say it, the time I said those horrible things that I didn’t mean, and so on.

My brain swirls with all these horrible memories and just makes me feel worse. Eventually it’s not about the situation at all, it’s just about feeling sorrow.

On nights like these contact and someone who will listen is really what I need, even if I don’t say anything knowing that I could helps more than they might know.

But I do try to say things, it’s easier to say things now than it was four years ago when we were first starting out. It’s easier to say things now than it was one year ago or six months ago. It’s continually easier. I need to gain composure first, though, figure out how to say things, word things correctly so I’m not misunderstood. Once I do I’m often embarrassed at what I say, but I’ve learned that he won’t judge me for it, or if he does he doesn’t say it out loud.

I’m grateful that he has adapted himself to fit what I need at moments like these. He has learned over the years to be patient, though he still doesn’t press me for more at the perfect times but that would be impossible without telepathy.

On nights like these I take the pressure off of my internal bottle, just for a little while, just long enough to feel better, and then I stuff everything back inside again until the next time the pressure becomes too much to withstand on my own.

Toy Intimidation and How Couples Toys Changed Our Sex

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 2, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Sex Blogging

I’ve been reviewing sex toys for a fair amount of time now. Most of the toys I get aren’t as couples-centric as they sometimes need to be, and some of the ones that require a partner aren’t always used as much as others.

Since we moved out of our D/s dynamic and into whatever it is we do now (still figuring that out on some levels) Onyx has had more and more of a difficult time expressing his needs and wants. Being out of work and unable to find a job didn’t help, neither did my poor behavior as his “submissive.” That, along with the birth control mess-ups I talked about yesterday really impacted our sex life since we moved especially.

I took a little break from reviewing when I moved, mostly for sanity’s sake, but I returned to it with fervor once I got back in the swing of things. We’ve never really talked about sex toys, which is remarkable considering the amount of toys I’ve gotten over the last many months, and the other week we had a discussion about how they have affected our sex life.

In some ways, they’re enhanced it, but in others they’ve taken away. It always takes me longer to come from Onyx’s fingers than it does from a vibrator or my own fingers (though the vibrator usually wins) and we tend to have sex rather late at night when we’re both already tired so there’s limited time. Because we end up wanting it over with somewhat quickly I often finish myself off, usually with his fingers inside me because that’s what I love.

He had been feeling distant from my getting off, like he wasn’t necessary to the process, so he unconsciously started lessening his initiation of getting me off. Because he was getting me off less I was giving him head less, and so we were both denying the other something because of a sense of rejection. We both have big issues with rejection, so this isn’t something new but something we do work on and have been forever.

Part of this also had to do with the amount of toys I have been getting. It’s difficult for most people to view toys as a supplement to sex or a sex enhancer rather than a replacement for, and Onyx was having issues with this as is completely understandable. Problem is we weren’t talking about any of this.

Communication is key, and I know that, I preach that whenever possible, but it’s also extremely difficult which I also get. Neither of us is prone to communication, rather we tend to retreat into ourselves to try to fix problems and often don’t even realize when problems are happening due to our abundance of self-delusion when it comes to issues. It often takes us a few days to even figure out what’s wrong and then a few more days to start talking about it.

Our conversation started with me complaining that he never gets me off any more (though that’s changed since the conversation). We ended up talking about sex toys and the issues mentioned above, and came to the solution that I would show him how to use the toys on me better instead of me doing it. This may seem like a no-brainer, and he had used toys on me before, especially dildos but only sometimes vibrators.

This conversation happened only a few days after we had gotten the Liberator Ramp (click to read my review) and LELO Bo (click to read my review), two toys that are very couples-centric rather than solo-centric. They were part of the catalyst for the conversation, I believe, as I noticed his enjoyment of those two products and wished that he would enjoy other products as much.

This is not to say I don’t use other products on him like lube, dildos, harnesses and such, or we don’t use products together like crops and other BDSM toys, but it’s not the same. He’s never as excited about even the BDSM-centric toys I get in the mail, but he was pretty excited about the Ramp and Bo.

Point is, we talked. We communicated, after a long time of not doing so. Every time we talk about these things it brings us that much closer together, and I like that. Every time we have issues we always talk about them eventually and I think we’re talking about them more and more often rather then bottling them up and stuffing them back inside or ignoring them all together. This is very good.

Our sex since our talk has been better, as well. I feel more connected with him, more intimate, more engaged, all of which is wonderful. I’m sure we’ll continue to change and grow and become more open with each other, but we both have to undo decades of defense system self-training, and Onyx has ten years on me so he’s often a harder nut to crack and all that.