Purveyor of Pleasure

Delving into my humanity and the joys and pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

Scared

What do I have to be scared of? What am I so nervous about things? What is it that triggers these feelings of worry and doubt in me? Why can’t I figure that out?

We all talked today, reassuring the others that our abandonment fears will not come to pass, as best we can for being sensible people who don’t believe in “forever.”

First Onyx and I talked, got to the root of some of the issues, and then we talked with Marla via phone while I cut his hair giving her a bit of a re-cap of our talk while also allowing Marla and Onyx to talk about where they are with each other. I encouraged the talk to be between the two of them, and I think they got more out of it than I did in some ways. Maybe I’m blocking myself from feeling good about this?

I’m not sure what it was, but something cut into me, and now I have a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat telling me something isn’t right. If I knew what triggered this I would talk with them about it, but I can’t pinpoint what it was that has made me so uneasy.

The thought has crossed my mind that it may be much simpler if we weren’t trying to be a triad, if they were separate loves of mine and I didn’t have to deal with them interacting with each other. I wouldn’t mind sharing them with abstract others, even others that I know personally, but I wouldn’t have to witness or participate in their interaction and I would feel better about it.

I think this, but I don’t think it’s true. I also don’t want to deny them the opportunity to be with one another, since they are both so wonderful and I know the three of us will fit so nicely if I can get over this damned insecurity gnawing away at me.

I want to participate in their relationship, I want to experience it and be a part of it, and I want these two people I love quite deeply to find and experience that same deep emotion for each other, but at the same time I’m scared. I just need my automatic emotions to catch up with my brain and my heart.

In my brain and heart I want this triad to work, I want them to grow closer and I want the three of us to find how we work together, but there are moments like these where the fear grips me and I worry about all those little things that could go wrong.

I’m not sure what it was that set me off today, which is the most irritating part. I was happy and loving the way that things were going, but we all got on the phone together and something fell apart in me and made this pain in my chest that won’t go away. I want to talk about this, but I don’t know how to talk about it with Onyx or Marla because I don’t know what the cause of it is yet. Hopefully I’ll figure it out, possibly in the shower.

I’m writing this while I should be showering, and during which I got a most amazing, sexy, and delicious text message from Marla. I feel bad because I don’t think I appreciated the message as much as I would have without this pain, but that doesn’t mean I won’t save it for another time when I do.

Maybe I’ll use the images presented in the message to get myself off in the shower, making myself feel better and distracting myself from the pain so that I can come back to it and overanalyze it with a clear head. I think that might just be the perfect thing to do.

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4 Comments

  1. Before things with J dissolved completely, our triad relationship was evolving into more of a V-relationship because M and J weren’t hitting it off quite like J and I. In a way I almost did prefer it because I didn’t have to worry about either of them falling for each other and leaving me alone. In the end, though.. *shrug* It’s back to just M and I now.

    Might that be what you’re worried about? Onyx and Marla connecting on a deeper level than you and Onyx, or you and Marla? It’s a difficult emotion, to be sure. You’ve got my best wishes that it’ll all work out. :)

  2. I’m sorry to hear that hasn’t worked out, I missed the ending of exploration with him but I’m also way behind on blog reading so that could be part of it too.

    That’s definitely part of it, though I think it’s more about them abandoning me not necessarily connecting on a deeper level because I don’t think there could be a deeper level for them to connect on than the ones we’re already connected on… if that makes sense. It’s not logical, it’s all about my fear of abandonment coming into play, even hearing that they may want alone time makes me go “they don’t want me!” when logically I know that’s not the case. I have a huge fear of abandonment stemming from childhood and it’s something I (obviously) need to work on heavily. Luckily we’re all determined for it to work and so I know it will, I just need to work on these issues that pop up.

  3. Oh, absolutely. The great thing is that you KNOW about the issue and are willing to work on it, as are the two of them – or at least I’m guessing they would be willing once the issue was brought to their attention. But, for me at least the great thing about working on personal issues while involved in a relationship is that it really only makes the relationship stronger.

    I haven’t blogged much about the ending of the exploration with J. I wrote a post about it ending but didn’t go much into the details. Guess I didn’t want to relive them or something. :) Oh well. You know what is said about fish in the sea… there are plenty!

  4. Definitely! They are very willing to talk about it, which is what we’ve all been doing since I got out of the shower pretty much. I very much agree that working on personal issues within a relationship makes that relationship stronger, I think we’ve all grown closer in the last few days since I started writing about these things and since we all started talking about them together. It’s wonderful while also being painful.

    I’m sure the two of you will find someone who is a better fit. It just wasn’t the right time/person/something but you’ll get there eventually. If Onyx and I can have the right person fall into our laps I’m sure it can happen for everyone! =P

    You just might have to move out of Southern Oregon to do it… Seattle’s pretty awesome. *hinthint* =D

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