Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: bdsm & kink Page 3 of 9

30 Days of Kink: Early Hints

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On September 28, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection, Power Play

This is the fourth of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Question 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

As I mentioned in Question 3 I discovered kink at a very young age. I would say that even before the events I told in Q3 I had already had kinky fantasies, somewhat obviously because I started reading non-consent erotica. I remember playing things like captor and slave and things like that in elementary school and all sorts of games that might have hinted at my enjoyment and desire of power play.

I’ve always had a bit of an outsider complex and thus always felt like I didn’t fit in, I think stemming from being naturally fat and never looking “right” therefore I never tried very hard to fit in and ended up reveling in my difference. While I don’t think this is the reason why I’m kinky or queer or any of the other “out of the norm” identities that I embrace I do think that because of that outsider feeling I found these outsider identities at a relatively young age.

I started exploring my sexuality at a very young age as well, and not because I was molested or abused as a child, in fact my childhood was relatively normal. Maybe because of my exposure to the internet at a relatively young age I discovered sexuality, or maybe just because I had been watching R rated movies since I was fairly young as well, who knows. But my exploring of my sexuality online in chat rooms and such was definitely what ultimately lead me to kink.

So I wouldn’t say I have many “hints” per se, but who knows, maybe there are things I’m forgetting.

30 Days of Kink: Discovery

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On September 13, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection

This is the third of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I’m sure I’ve talked about this before, but here we go. I discovered kink at a very young age. I’m not exactly sure what age, possibly around eleven or twelve. I used to read romance novels, and those romance novels eventually led me to erotica online, which then led me to non-consent erotica. I’m not sure how I stumbled upon non-consent erotica exactly, though I remember clicking on the category, reading a few stories, and being mesmerized by it.

I also remember having one romance novel specifically, Princess of Thieves by Katherine O’Neal ((the one romance novel I have purposefully kept over the years)), and one of the sex scenes included bondage and quite rough sex. I think this novel was one that introduced me to rough sex in general, not to mention that there are quite a few other romance novels with rough sex in them.

So, I moved from rough sex in romance novels to non-consent erotica online and then I remember reading one non-consent story specifically which had multiple parts. The third part was in the BDSM section rather than the non-consent section (I’m sure you can assume how the storyline changed) and that was my introduction to BDSM. From learning that term and reading more BDSM erotica I learned about all sorts of other things and began my journey of kinky discovery there.

At that point I had already been visiting chat rooms and having cybersex with people and that moved into having kinky cybersex with people and that moved on to finding my first Master and so on and so on until I met Onyx also online five years ago.

As with most sexual things I knew what I enjoyed far before I knew the name for it, and probably without the internet I wouldn’t have been able to find the name for it at such a young age. I wouldn’t have been able or willing to explore all the things I did online if I had been doing them offline, for one I would have had to find someone to do them to me, for another I knew I wasn’t at a point where I could actually do those things and I didn’t want to lose my virginity until I was older. The internet was a wonderful way for me to explore my kinky and sexual nature without risk.

30 Days of Kink: Kinks

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On September 11, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection, Power Play

This is the second of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 2: List your kinks.

There are probably more than I can actually list, but that depends on what I’m actually being asked here. Do you want a list of things that turn me on? A list of things I enjoy doing? A list of things that I need more often than not? Some combination of the three or something else entirely? Well, here are a lot of the things I really enjoy that rarely fail to turn me on. Unless otherwise noted I love to both give and receive these things. In no particular order, only as they come to me.

Face slapping – a pretty constant yet relatively new addition to my rough sex. I absolutely love it and, when done correctly, it rarely will not make me more excited than I already am.

Breath play – my favorite method is a hand covering my mouth while my nose is pinched shut, allowing for absolutely no air in or out. I also really enjoy a hand around the throat.

Sharps play – mostly this comes in the form of needles, though I love the idea of knife play as well. I have a large play piercing kit and love to use it.

Deep throating/gagging/rough throat sex – I love the feeling of gagging around a cock or watching someone gag around mine, it’s ridiculously hot.

Begging – something I don’t do too often, but every time I have and every time I think about it I get turned on.

Dirty Talk – begging could be a sub-category of this, I suppose. I love being called names and being told “dirty” things. I’ve always been a very aural person and this definitely is a way to push my buttons quickly. I love saying “dirty” things as well, but often have a difficult time with it, just always have, but I also like being prompted to say things or told to say things.

Nipple play/breast torture – usually the rougher the better. Recently I had my breasts caned for the first time and I loved it. Any sort of pinching, flicking, pulling, twisting, etc. turns me on in an instant.

Hair pulling – especially being dragged around by my hair/dragging someone else around (carefully, of course, the neck is fragile) or generally using the hair to control the movement of the head or force it somewhere.

Anal sex – not sure if this is a kink per se, but I definitely love it.

Gags – more than any other type I love open mouth gags like the Whitehead gag or Mini gag. These I don’t get nearly enough of.

Saliva – this one is becoming more and more prevalent, mostly it’s the messy aspect of it, having saliva on my chin or face or being spit on (less so doing that to someone else, though).

Impact play – especially caning. I did start Cane A Slut Day after all. Really any sort of impact play is deliciously yummy to me, though I’m not a big fan of straps and have never tried a single tail.

Restraint – I love being held or pinned down, but also cuffs or rope or any other restraint implement can work just as well.

Bruises/marks – unfortunately I really don’t bruise easily so it’s not often I get to enjoy this kink. We try, oh do we try, but often even after long intense play I’ll barely bruise if at all.

Consensual non-consent – I’ve always been interested in this and have done a few rape play scenes as well as coercion/blackmail roleplays which I put in a similar category. I enjoy struggling and resisting, saying no, trying to get away, being forced and then laughed at for being wet from such rough treatment.

Pain – this one is kind of implied in many of the other ones above, but shouldn’t really be left out of a list of kinks. Of course, this doesn’t mean I get off on all pain of every kind, the intention makes it all different. Pain for enjoyment not pain for hurt, please and thank you.

I’m sure there are more. There are definitely more things that generally turn me on, and scenarios I particularly like and such, but I tried to limit it mostly to activities. It’s possible this post will be edited to include others I feel need to be in the list.

30 Days of Kink: Define Yourself

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On September 9, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection

This is my first of 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

A lot of this blog has been my way of processing this very question. What does it mean to me and how do I define my kinky self?

For a while I’ve been calling myself a switch. I sometimes refer to myself as a “lifestyle” switch, under the definition of lifestyle as someone to whom kink is an essential part of sexuality. Since February or so Onyx and I have been operating on a mostly Owner/property or Owner/cuntpet relationship without much switching of any kind, but we are both switches and I have Topped him before.

When I first started out in BDSM I called myself a submissive, then I called myself a submissive who Tops on occasion, then I slowly made my way toward switch after much contemplation and deep thought.

As for what parts of BDSM interest me, I would say just about everything. I love restraints and all forms control (B&D), power play (D/s), and pain play (S&m). I have a wide variety of interests and kinks, though that’s the next question on the list so I won’t go into that. I enjoy pretty much everything from both sides, giving and receiving depending on my mood and the person I’m with. I don’t think there’s anything I would dish out that I wouldn’t also take.

I find I don’t miss Topping as much as I thought I might being in a mostly one-dynamic relationship. Now that I’m getting a regular dose of bottoming and submission and lovely lovely masochism I think my kink needs are mostly being satiated. I do miss it on occasion, though, and luckily Onyx doesn’t mind too much when I hit him with various implements or bite him or things like that. He’s not really that much into pain (though there was one point when he was in subspace and I caned him and he loved it) but he doesn’t mind it and he tends to return whatever I give to him, so really it’s a win-win situation.

I have also discovered that casual play is much easier for me as a Top or as a masochistic bottom. I can easily take service or give pain or take pain but submitting to someone takes another level of trust. Of course, this makes sense, but it seems easier for some people than for me. I really want to get to the point where I am able to play casually with friends either simply kink interactions or sexual ones as well.

30 Days of Kink

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On September 8, 2010

In Introspection, Power Play, Sexuality

I discovered this via Rayne and thought it would be an excellent exercise. There’s a 30 Days of Letters prompt that a few people I read have been doing, but I wasn’t inspired to do that one. I’ve been thinking a lot about bdsm and kink lately but haven’t written a lot about it, so I think this will be good for me. Maybe I can get Onyx to do it on his blog too.

I’ll update this post as I go with the links. By the way, I’m still hoping people will submit a post for my What Brings You Pleasure feature!

The 30 Days/Questions

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Day 2: List your kinks.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Other 30 Days of Kink

Rayne @ Insatiable Desire
Cinnamon @ Seeing My Own Reflection
Gabe & Elizabeth @ Pornocracy
Kathryn/Lady Dreyanan @ Mistress Says

Are you doing it too? Comment and let me know!

Equality in Inequality

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On August 14, 2010

In a Love: Onyx, Discourse, Identity: Submissive

I was sitting at his feet as we watched a show, the most normal of circumstances, my head resting on his thigh and his hand in my hair, and I came to a micro revelation. This isn’t really new, I’ve written about this same thing before and it’s how Onyx and I have operated for quite a while, but I had not really put the pieces together as to why I’m considered a “bad” submissive by some and why I had such trouble accepting some of the submissive tropes I had heard in the past.

I used to have more trouble submitting than I do now. I was told constantly that in order to submit I must think of my Top/Owner/WhatHaveYou as someone better than myself, higher than myself, someone to look up to not just literally. I was told that in order to be a submissive I must think of myself as less than or inferior.

While I will admit there are things which Onyx is better than me at there are just as many things which I am better than him at. We’re pretty fairly balanced as far as skills and intelligence goes, I believe. For a long while I had trouble with this concept because I was trying to fit our equality, or equity, along lines of a differentiated power dynamic.

It was from me sitting at his feet, my hair being stroked as I laid my head upon his thigh and we both watched the screen before us, that I understood this difference. For me it’s never been about being less than someone else that makes me want to submit, it’s about relinquishing control to another and trusting someone else completely enough to do that. Enjoying being treated like Onyx’s pet or prized possession, has nothing to do with being less than him or inferior to him, but is simply the dynamic we choose to enact.

The power dynamic between Onyx and myself comes from a place of equality. We are equals and because we are equals I can choose to be his property, because I have power I can choose to give that power over to him. If I had no power, if I had no choice, then there would be less enjoyment for both of us. It’s never been about inferiority for us, although there is nothing wrong with playing with that dynamic as well, but it’s just not where either of us live.

When I was having trouble submitting, when we were having trouble with our dynamic, I was told to think of him as better than me, to trust that he knows better than I do or that he is more capable than I am so that he could lead me. I had trouble with this. The real issue that was happening was I didn’t trust him and he didn’t trust himself, so we both were sabotaging the dynamic we both wanted but also feared. What I needed to do was trust that he knew what I wanted and needed and would choose what to give me, not to hold him up as greater than myself as I was told.

Although we play with power and pain there is no inequality in our relationship dynamic, which may sound like an oxymoron. I put my trust in him to take care of me and give me what I need and he puts his trust in me that I will take care of him and give him what he needs. We’re each giving and taking in different ways, but we’re both equally valued and appreciated and both getting and giving.

Perhaps equity is a better term for it than equality. Unfortunately equality comes along with all sorts of connotations that are not necessarily all good. Equality does not mean identicality or sameness, although a lot of people seem to think that is true. Equality doesn’t mean abolishing differences but it’s about celebrating sameness and differences. Really the way I use equality is the same as equity, but for the sake of minimizing confusion I think equity makes more sense in this instance.

Obviously by imposing a power dynamic on our relationship we are not equal in some senses of the word, but our contributions to each other and the relationship are equitable. They are valued the same and we are valued the same because of it. We are equals although we do not always interact in ways typically thought of as equal. We play with inequality in our actions because we are equals in every other way.

Wavelengths

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On August 4, 2010

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Smut

My mother has been visiting for the last little over a week. She’s been staying in the living room of our tiny one bedroom apartment which means Onyx and I really have only had sex once in the last little over a week. I would say this is quite less than usual, though our number and frequency varies from time to time depending on how busy we are etc. Last night especially I was ready to about jump him, however. Today she is heading East to visit family over there. A text message exchange from earlier today:

Onyx: Is your mom heading to PA today?

Me: I believe she is, she hasn’t left quite yet. I would very much like some rough sex when she is gone. ;D

Onyx: I was just thinking about slappin’ you around a bit.

Me: Excellent. I love when we are on the same wavelength! :D

The minute she was gone I went into our bedroom where he was taking a nap and proceeded to wake him up with kisses and a blowjob, or facefucking, whichever you would prefer to call it. That is, I started the action but he quickly took over leading the movements of my head with his hands usually via my hair and including the occasional slap on the cheek. After a bit of this he quickly guided me over and down onto my stomach and pressed my head and chest into the bed, easily sliding into me and pinning me down as he began to fuck me. Needless to say, I was happy.

His hands played with my head a little: he pulled my hair, he slapped my cheeks, he slipped his fingers into either side of my mouth and held my mouth open, he covered my mouth and nose so I couldn’t breathe. All of this while continuing to pound into me as I lay trapped beneath him, as I moaned and tried to thrust back with my hips as best as possible–though that wasn’t too possible. He then took each of my wrists and brought them behind my back, pressing down again to keep me against the bed and fucking me with extra vigor until he came inside of me.

We lay there, both working on catching our breath before rolling over, snuggling, kissing, exchanging “I love you”s. Soon his fingers were on my clit with his other hand in my hair. We kissed and I panted and squealed and moaned my way to four or so most delicious orgasms culminating in the strongest one last. I’ve just about gotten this coming on command thing down, though that’s another post.

Learning How to Follow

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On June 19, 2010

In Discourse, Identity: Submissive, Introspection

The other night Onyx and I went out swing dancing with Sinclair and Kristin at the most awesome Century Ballroom here in Seattle. Sinclair and Kristin have done lots of swing dancing, I’ve done a small amount many many years ago but have done a fair amount of dancing in general, and Onyx had never done any before ((Onyx thinks he is completely without rhythm and body coordination despite having learned both while he was in the Norwegian army and being able to dance at the local goth club when we go out–granted goth dancing isn’t about rhythm, but anyway…)). There was a short lesson before the band got started to teach us some very basic steps and we were divided up into “leaders” and “followers” (which was nicely gender-neutral terminology and not surprising for Capitol Hill).

I was suddenly struck and unsure of which side to go on. Every time I had done swing or any partner dancing in the past I’ve always been a leader, but since Onyx was coming (he wasn’t there yet, he had to work late) I decided I would learn it from the follower’s perspective so he could be the leader.I’m sure he would have had no issue with the opposite generally if it were just the two of us, in fact I’ve lead him in partner dancing when we’ve gone out before and neither of us feels strange about it, but since it’s a social event I thought it would be a nice for me to get experience in the follower side of things. After all, I could always switch later, not to mention I would get experience with both sides either way.

We all got in a large circle of pairs and learned the very basic six count rock-step and step-step as well as a couple turns and there was great emphasis in leaders learning how to lead and followers learning how to follow. Since basically all of my experience has been as a leader I had some issues giving up control.

Surprise surprise.

Yes, I actually am talking about swing dancing, but of course this is an excellent analogy for all the problems I’ve had as a submissive. You know, just in case you didn’t already figure that out (though you probably did, I’m not discounting your intelligence I just have a tendency to over-explain. Anyway.)

I really enjoyed myself, and because the instructors had the followers switch partners every few steps while we were all going through the brief lesson I was able to dance with a number of different people, three of which asked me to dance later on in the night. I only ended up dancing with one of them because first I was catching Onyx up on the dancing technique as he had missed the instruction and then I was nursing the ankle I rolled while dancing (ouch), and by the time I was dancing again the two who I declined at the time were busy with others or had left.

I learned, however, something that I’ve been learning a lot in the last few months, especially since I got back from Juneau, and that is that I can follow and I can do a damn good job at it too when I allow myself to. When I trust that the other person is able to lead me I am able to allow them to do so, though it does take a lot of practice especially since I’m also quite a strong leader myself.

Onyx did exceptionally well as I taught him how to lead, especially for someone who claims to have no rhythm, it took a little while but he got the basic steps down. He’s agreed to take classes with me, which I am extremely thrilled about and plan to hold him to.

I was amused at how much like in the beginnings of our power relationship I was again teaching him how to lead me so that I could adequately follow, though not doing a great job at it myself. I’m sure with enough practice as well as much help from others he will become an excellent leader to my follower just as he has off of the dance floor.

I’ll still be leading with others, though, whenever I can.

International Cane-A-Slut Day 2010

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On June 5, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection

Tomorrow (or today for some of you–June 6th) is International Cane-A-Slut Day, pretty much purely because we have decreed it to be so. The idea was Onyx’s originally and it was supported by @Saynine, @Mindcryme, and myself. When reminded of it a few days ago I decided I would make a webpage, twitter account, and tumblr for it and start promoting it all over. So far it’s worked.

I created a FetLife event page for it as well, which has (currently) 28 people attending and 13 people maybe attending, which is pretty good for something that I started putting out there two or so days ago. It helps that it’s not something people have to “go” to, but something we all can do in our own homes (or wherever you choose to participate).

It’s pretty much just pure silly fun, and Onyx is endlessly amused that I took his half-joking tweet and turned it into a reality. When talking to a friend about it I mentioned making a website for it because “that’s what I do” and I realized that is very much the case. I get a good idea (or take a great idea from someone else) and turn it into a project. While this one doesn’t take up a lot of time like some other projects of mine it’s just a fun annual event for one and all. Already planning for next year

Want Perpetuates Want

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On June 2, 2010

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Smut

ABY101209e by jvrsta

There are times when I can’t escape from want. Want perpetuates want until all I can think of is taking or being taken. Lately it’s been the latter. The most mundane movements crackle with the electricity of my desire for it. With each moment want increases exponentially until it consumes my entire being and I feel my body begin to sing with it, unsure if anyone else can sense the desires within me threatening to explode.

Every movement of my lips makes me think of cool steel being placed between them, forcing them open a little to wide, almost painfully, after not too long my jaw beginning to ache. My mouth open and available for use or just for amusement as I am unable to contain the spit dribbling out onto my breasts. Or I think of a hand covering my mouth, pinching my nose shut, controlling my breath and stealing my air, not letting me breathe for just a little longer than I think I can handle before releasing and letting me gulp for it, even my most essential of functions controlled.

My fingers lift up to absently run through my hair and suddenly I can think of nothing else but a hand gripping and pulling on the short purple mess, making my scalp burn. My head tingles with want and later, when I am alone, I will allow my digits to curl around those locks and tug, although the feeling is nothing like when the fingers aren’t mine.

Using my hands to gesticulate or type or simply any movement in which I become aware of them makes my wrists ache for want of the bite of rope or cuffs lining them. The bracelets I always wear feel heavy with my own perception as the pressure they place increases the want, and awareness of my wrists makes my attention also focus on my ankles. I want to be bound, helpless, enveloped by the power of my partner and trapped in that moment where all I can fixate on is the sensation. Maybe blindfolded, maybe not, but unable to see what is coming next and my entire body alive with anticipation.

Every time I shift my attention is brought first to my ass and then to my cunt, the attention itself enough to make my lips tingle and grow with want. I know that were I to sneak a finger into my core I would feel the hot wetness that is even now creeping out onto my underwear. I would feel my vulva puffy with want of use, my holes craving to be taken.

My ass, on the other hand, tingles with a different kind of want, aching for the smart sting of a cane, hoping to be bruised this time as bruising does not come easily. I want a hand, a flogger, a cane, anything that will make me quiver with desire and make my cunt that much more overtaken with want. I would close my eyes and imagine the pattern the glowing lines are making, imagine the perfectly lined angry and raised red marks against my pale skin.

I want the continual moments of perpetuation of desire to last forever, hanging in a state of anticipation that my mind or my partner has created. I want everything in those moments, my entire being overtaken with want and desire to be taken to a different state of mind. Power is a drug and I am an addict, but I will happily drown in my addiction so I may feel the want again and again. With a good partner our addiction feeds each other, my discomfort is our pleasure, my pain our high, the power exchange our masterpiece.

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