taiWelcome! I’m Tai Scarlet Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and my pronouns are they/them or any neutral pronouns. I spend a lot of my time studying sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, archetypes, mythology, erotic neurobiology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
Read more about this site & me→



11.28

2011

Six Years

I missed my annual x-years-since-we-met post which would have been six and on July 28th like I did for five, four, and three (sorta, a little late on that one). I have talked about our anniversaries quite a few times over the years and wanted to make it a bit of an annual post, but this year I’m a little late for our meeting anniversary or our moving-in-together anniversary (August 26th).

The 19th of November, however, happened to be our (re-)collaring anniversary, the date he first collared me six years ago and the date he re-collared me last year. Saturday night we both took the night off and spent it together, although it didn’t quite turn out the way we were planning. There was going to be dinner at home, movie watching, snugging on the couch, beating, begging, and ass fucking, but many of those didn’t happen. Instead, Onyx came down with a horrible migraine complete with nausea, and at one point I also had an upset stomach and was otherwise generally low in energy. It wasn’t exactly the best night ever.

Still, we made the most of it, mostly just lots of snuggling on the couch while watching various things and some making out when we were both feeling better. At one point I put a blindfold on him… but that was to help with the migraine.

Despite the lackluster night we’ve been pretty great lately, really we’ve been great since March 2010 when I came back from Juneau. Sometimes I wonder how it can be this good, to be honest, so one unexciting night is to be expected every once in a while. One of these days I’ll get around to writing about the after work tradition we’ve started1, but until then I wanted to make up for my lack of yearly post.

We’re in our seventh year, which seems pretty remarkable, especially for someone who had never had a relationship last longer than about six months prior to this relationship2. We’ve both made mistakes, continue to make mistakes, will make mistakes, but it is our ability to get through those together that has kept us together. That and the massive amounts of work we’ve put into communication.

I love you, Onyx, and I look forward to every day I get to spend with you, my Owner, my Love, my Daddy, my friend.

  1. for those of you who don’t know, Onyx gets home from work around 7:30am, and I am usually fast asleep… feel free to imagine what we may have started doing. []
  2. that would be me []
07.28

2010

Five Years

someecards.com - Even when we're 80 I will do you from behind
I always count on someecards to give me the best anniversary cards

Today is the five year anniversary of when Onyx and I met face-to-face. We had known each other well online for about six months (known of each other for longer–I’ve written the background of our relationship before and how we met and etc.) and despite mention of trips and a snafu resulting in him not visiting me the week before despite plans to do so it was today that he showed up on my doorstep five years ago.

I moved in with him thirteen months later, on August 26th the next year.

So much has changed since then and so much has remained the same. We are both similar but different from the way we used to be, as it should be, and both dedicated to encouraging the other to grow. I think I end up saying this every year, but it’s true, and it’s why we’ve been able to stay together even after everything that has happened.

I can’t imagine my life without him in it in one way or another, we’ve grown apart and together with a balance of each that has just made our love and connection stronger over the years. Especially after the triad we have change immensely, these last seven months have probably been the best and most fruitful of our five long years together. We are connecting on a deeper and more fundamental level than ever before, doing more things together, and doing things apart as well. It’s really quite amazing.

Here’s to five more years.

08.07

2009

Four Years

It's remarkable how long we've tolerated each other

July 28th was the fourth anniversary of the day Onyx and I met face-to-face. On that day we had known each other online for eight or so months and were supposed to have met the week before but he had issues with his standby flight. I remember waiting anxiously for his taxi to reach my apartment.

This year we didn’t do anything for it in particular, but it was worthy to note and marvel at. We have been taking stock of our relationship lately, and it is bizarre to think that it has been so long but also so short of a time. In some ways we have come full circle, in others we are worlds away from where we were when we first got together.

August 26th will be the three year anniversary of the day I moved in with him, the day I moved quite a few hundred miles from my familiar southern Oregon life to the repressive Salt Lake City. SLC wasn’t all bad, we were able to find happiness with each other in an environment which wasn’t conductive to either of us being happy.

We had our share of issues, and still do, although I wonder if I have been playing them up more lately in preparation for the possibility of losing him. This triad isn’t going the way any of us suspected and it’s difficult all around. We all are trying to figure out what to do without really knowing what will work.

Looking back over the years we both have changed immensely. We have grown together and separately, we’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t, we still have desire for each other even if the initial passion we had for each other is long gone.

Four years is a long time for some, short for others, but it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, my second-longest clocking in closer to four months. It’s been a learning experience, and while there are a lot of changes going on and a lot of things are up in the air, in thinking over everything I know I hope to have at least four more years and hopefully as many as I can get.

Fallen into Place

Yesterday (the 19th) was our three year collaring anniversary, though we’ve known each other nearly four years and met face-to-face numerous times before he collared me, he waited until the right moment to bring me that collar. It was accompanied by Norwegian chocolates which he brought from Salt Lake City to Ashland, Oregon (where I was living at the time), and lots and lots of hot heavy sex.

Since my discovery of my Domina side I have been less submissive than ever, though there were plenty of times when I wasn’t submissive before I embraced myself as a Domina, but that’s beside the point. Embracing that side of me gave me permission to explore it, which made me less keen on playing the submissive. Though, since our switching experiment last month with Onyx’s discovery of his bottom side and our decision to switch as we please I have been able to get more and more of the Dominant energy out of me, and now I’m craving submission.

Thinking back to the beginning of our relationship, in those early days even when we were fighting our own love for each other and just giving into the lust we were always Dominant and submissive, but not as much as I thought I wanted us to be. I had these desires of a 24/7 M/s relationship where I had no control and he had total control. It’s possible for others, but not quite for us. I do still desire that to an extent, but I know that it just does not work with our relationship. He has a very hard time saying no to me, and I know how to take advantage of that.

The more I look at our lives now I realize just how wonderful everything has become. I love that we both have opened up to our switch sides and that we can both tease each other and work off each other’s energy in order to enjoy every moment more instead of trying to fit ourselves into a box.

The more I look back at the past year or so, when I was trying to fit us into that box, that triangle peg in a square hole that will never fit no matter how hard you push, I wonder why I was so determined to have it happen. It did work for small periods of time, and then it would deteriorate into our usual routine. I’ve come to realize I like our usual routine! And now that it’s free to be what it is and not being pushed into a box I feel like we’re both breathing easier and enjoying things a lot more.

Still, there are times when I want the more strict D/s dynamic back and I don’t know how to ask for it yet. There are moments where I just want him to grab me by the hair and devour my mouth, or start spanking me and rubbing my cunt, or cover my nose and mouth to control my breath, or pin me down and fuck me like his whore. Yet there are also moments where I don’t want that at all, so I know it’s difficult for him because, like me, he’s still discovering the differences in me between my two power personae, and I’m still figuring out how to signal my change when it happens.

Eventually that will come, however, through our further communication and evolving it will come.

08.28

2008

Kissyfaced Love HNT


Click here for the larger version.

So, I’m cheating a little. This pic was taken a while ago, January of 2007 in fact, so a damn long ago considering what I am posting it for. Today marks two years that I’ve lived here in Salt Lake City. Exactly two years since I made the horrible decision to move to SLC but the wonderful decision to be with the wonderful partner, lover, friend, and Dominus I have here.

I wrote not too long ago about the first of our three anniversaries, the day we met face-to-face, and this is the second. The third comes in November, and we’ll get to that one when it comes.

I never planned on moving to Salt Lake City. I can’t say it was ever even remotely near my to-do list before meeting Stian, and it wasn’t on there until my birthday 2007. We had been planning on moving to Portland (or, I had been anyway). I needed to go to a different school in order to get the degrees I was wanting, and he wanted to get out of SLC, so it was a win-win situation. I applied and got into PSU and even got WUE there and everything. I was looking for apartments and working out all the moving details when I came to visit him here for my birthday.

Honestly, I had kind of a horrid time that visit. It wasn’t very long, but he had just taken a new job in the middle of our (my) planning on moving to Portland, and I felt like we didn’t have much alone time because of his roommate at the time. I was hurt and upset and needing to talk things over but we didn’t really have the time until it all came tumbling out late that night. I was upset, I cried, and we talked about our options. He suggested I could move to SLC, we checked out the U of U and they had the degrees I desired. I wasn’t really that excited about the idea in general, but I wanted to be with him.

I started warming up to the idea more when I went back to Ashland. The more I thought about it the more it worked, though going to the U was a problem. I decided first that I would wait until December, that I would take another quarter at SOU and then move to SLC after, giving me time to figure out all the school issues and more time at SOU instead of leaving so suddenly. That was the plan for a while, anyway, but as time drew on I was just so impatient to be with Stian (it had already been a year of being apart, after all) that I looked into getting here as soon as possible.

It was a whirlwind of only about four weeks from the time I decided I would move here to the time I arrived. I worked the night before, Sunday, until 2am and then caught a plane at 6am (6:18 if memory serves, yes, I did post this exactly at that time) and headed here. I had that Monday to get used to everything before having to start classes on Tuesday (though I had already missed the first three days of class). It happened very quickly, and although parts of me still wish I would have done things a little differently, the rest of me knows that it was the best thing to do with the options I had at the time.

I love Stian, my Dominus as I have been referring to him lately. While there are times when he drives me up the wall (as is to be expected in any relationship) those times are far less frequent than the rest of the time, when he is absolutely perfect. After three years of being together and now two years of living together with hardly any time apart I still love being with him, and I would do it all again in a second.

The Day We Met

A couple weeks ago Master and I had one of our three anniversaries. Yes, one of the three. Now, I’m not big on anniversaries, I don’t demand gifts or things like that, and this last anniversary passed with little recognition until a few days later when I realized it had passed. I do like anniversaries for the sheer and simple fact that it is a way of marking the time we have spent together, a way of remembering the day we met, or the day we collared, or the day I moved a few hundred miles East to be with him (those are the three anniversaries if you didn’t figure).

I like remembering the day the anniversary celebrates, so I thought to commemorate the anniversary of the day we met face-to-face (which was actually two weeks ago, July 29th) I would tell you a little bit about that day.

First, to tell you about the day we met face-to-face I have to give a little background about how we met and all that other stuff. I have a little bit of it written in my about page but it doesn’t go into great detail. I haven’t really talked about how we met in this blog yet, just where we are now.

Master and I met online on irc.sexnet.org in late 2004, December or so. I had just gotten out of a relationship and was rather sour on relationships in general, he was still married and rather sour on relationships in general as well. I had been told by a friend of mine that he thought I was one of “Pan’s girls” (Master goes by Pan or Pantos online) as in, someone that he scened with on a regular or semi-regular basis. I had never really interacted with Pan although we had similar friends and had seen him around since 2002, so I told him that, and he was surprised because, as he said, Pan and I have really similar desires and sexual tastes.

Needless to say I was intrigued. I made it my intention to get to know Pan better, to talk to him, see if we really were as compatible as J had said. Obviously we were otherwise I wouldn’t still be with him three and a half years later. We began talking, just getting to know each other at first, and then it moved to more. We both declared that we didn’t want a relationship, that we would just be friends and have fun online and chat on the phone and whatnot, but that we weren’t looking for anything serious. I had a crush offline that I was trying to subtly get with, and I talked about her with him, and we got to be good friends.

We talked about him coming to see me in March of 2005, though only idly, and so it didn’t really happen. We were in and out of touch for quite a while, talking most days but not quite every day, that usual online stuff. One night in June we were talking (he was drunk) and he told me that he loved me, that he was in love with me. I was surprised because we had sworn to each other that we would be just friends, but not that surprised because I had suspected he felt for me more than a friend. I knew I felt for him as well, and him telling me that allowed me to feel what I felt for him. I told him I loved him as well, and we started talking about him coming to meet me.

I moved in June, and went home to Alaska for a couple weeks, and then when I came back to Ashland we started seriously planning. He was going to come over on the weekend of the 22nd, arrive Friday night then leave Sunday night, be back home in time for work the next day and all that. He wasn’t able to get on a flight that weekend, he was flying standby at that time as his (ex)wife works for Delta and so he got free flights. And a side note on the wife thing, they were polyamorous, and she knew about me. He was not cheating and I wouldn’t have been with him if he had been. However, I did know that he had been unhappy with her for a few years prior to us being together, so I was a catalyst–though not the reason–for him eventually leaving her.

Back to the story. He wasn’t able to get a flight on the 22nd, which we both bemoaned, and catching a flight the next day would just not be good enough, since we would have even less time together. Since the Medford airport is so small there was only one flight from SLC to Medford a day, so it wasn’t like he could hop on a flight an hour later. We grumbled and were upset but he told me that he would try again the next weekend. And so, on July 29th, 2005 he hopped on a plane from SLC to Medford, then took a taxi to my apartment and knocked on my door.

I remember I had dressed up for him. I put my hair in pigtails, wore a black button-up shirt and my short yellow and green plaid schoolgirl skirt with thigh high fishnets and a garter belt. I was looking hot, and I knew it. I had just moved into the apartment and had very little furniture at the time, though I did have a bed upstairs, and a chair and futon in the living room, but that was it. The living room was large and spacious with just a few scraps of furniture in it. I opened the door, we said hello, he set his luggage down, and then we proceeded to maul each other. He pressed me against the door, we kissed hungrily, he slid his fingers under my skirt…

The first meeting is somewhat of a blur, honestly. I remember kissing him seconds after he came through the door. I remember us not making it two feet before just getting down and fucking right in the living room. He had me kneel and take his cock in my mouth while still against the door, then we moved and he fucked me from behind, my cunt and my ass. It was a whirlwind of excitement for the both of us. Nearly eight months of foreplay had led us up to this point, and there was no way we were leaving any inch of each other untouched.

I remember cuddling up next to him lying there on the floor of my living room, both of us spent and happy after an uncountable number of orgasms. We were cuddling my favorite way, him on his back and me on my side facing him, my head fitting right in that nook that still feels like it’s made for me. We were grinning like fools and so amazingly happy, and all I could think was how perfect we fit together.

11.18

2007

Anniverseries

Tomorrow is Master and my two year collaring annaversery.

Some other important dates (mostly so I’ll remember them, I couldn’t remember what day our annaversery was without looking at this):
Day we first started talking: January 10th, 2005 (he sent me porn)
Day we first had sex (online): January 23rd, 2005 (so hot)
Day we met face-to-face: July 28th, 2005 (also very hot… we hardly got out of bed all weekend)
Day He collared me: November 19th, 2005 (tricked me with giving me chocolate as my “surprise” first, then gave me the collar later that night)
Day I moved to SLC: August 28th, 2006
Day we signed our M/s contract: March 10th, 2007

I think that’s it…

08.28

2007

One whole year

Today is my one year anniversary of moving to SLC. I’m listening to a couple voice posts I made on livejournal last year, including the revelation that I would be moving here. I’m thinking over the last year, as well, and all the things that has happened, and how short it seems.

Master and I are definitely at a different point than where we started when we started being 24/7, but we still aren’t nearly where I would like us to be, I think he agrees… I think. Sometimes I wonder if he would really want all the things I do, he doesn’t really like to be strict, he likes to give me leeway and let me get away with things… and while part of me likes and takes advantage of that, the other part of me…

Part of it, I think, is we need to set aside time, which I’ve been saying for a while. A lot of it is I need to feel better about myself, lose some weight, actually do some of the things I keep saying I will. I have been feeling disappointed in myself lately. Disappointed and ugly. It’s not a great thing to feel. And when I feel like this, I don’t want to give myself to someone else, I don’t feel worthy of giving myself to someone else. It just doesn’t quite work.

I question how much he wants to be my Master (not that he wants to be with me, mind you). I think he would be more comfortable as a Dom or Top, but I haven’t given him that luxury, and I think it’s hurting us a little. I question how much I want to be his slave, also (though, again, not that I want to be with him). I question how much I can give, how much I can trust, and how much I can rely on him.

We were at different places before I moved here, and I realize that more now, and we’ve had conversations about it. I was fully committed to him, and he wasn’t. Now he is to me, but I’m having trouble getting over that initial betrayal, not consciously, but my unconscious is driving my actions lately.

Whenever I feel bad, I shut down, close off, and he doesn’t know what to do when I do that, and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if I know how to not wall off when I do that. I’m trying, but… it’s difficult.

I go in waves, wanting to be his slave, wanting to be away from him, wanting nothing to do with him. Mostly it’s my stuff, honestly. Mostly I’m not opening up, I’m shutting down and running away for various reasons.

He recognizes mistakes, he knows I have trouble trusting him, and I don’t make it easy on him. I don’t make it easy at all, but he’s never let me go, and he’s never given me a reason to leave, only I have done that. Some days I’m so worried about losing him that I pull away and push him away at the same time, I try to distance myself because I’m sure I’m not good enough, or pretty enough, or too fat, but he pulls me back in. He’s wonderful like that.

I have no regrets about moving here, though I wish we lived alone, and I wish we could get out of this rut, and I think the former perpetuates the latter in some senses. I think I would do more if there weren’t other people in the house. I love my roommates, but I don’t want to live with them, I want our own space, and they both are “working” on moving out… we’ll see how soon that happens.

I’m very happy with him, and I’m happy to be with him, though not as happy to be in SLC (I’m much looking forward to going to San Fran), but it’s better than being in Ashland without him.

One year later, and still going strong.