Purveyor of Pleasure

Delving into my humanity and the joys and pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

Side View Exposition (HNT)


Click for the larger version.

Since I figured you’ve all seen enough of my face lately…

Seriously, though, the reason why I posted this is because I hate my arms. I showed a flash of tit so that there would be something else to look at too, but the main focus is my upper arm and thigh.

I remember the moment I started hating my arms, I don’t remember exactly how old I was only that I was in high school. I was talking with my dad about buying clothes or something about clothes and he told me that he wouldn’t buy me any tank-tops because I shouldn’t show my arms off because they were fat. My dad said that, he whose body type I emulate and who is heavier than me. I just about died.

I still hear his tone when he said that to me, so nonchalant. I’m sure he didn’t mean to cause harm by it specifically, it was just something he felt the need to inform me of, as if I wasn’t already painfully aware of my fat body. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but he did make me overly self-conscious about my fat upper arms.

The more I think about my dad and all the things he’s said to me over the years in passing, all the little remarks, insisting I should sit in the front when five people are in the car because I’m the largest, little things that I’m sure he doesn’t mean to be hurtful but that are. The more I think about his attitude towards size in general I realize that he’s extremely fatphobic, and a lot of fat people are.

I guess it makes sense, and I shouldn’t be surprised by that realization, but I was the first time I had it. Pretty much everyone has some fatphobia in them, I know I still do, although I actively work against it. So here I am working against my fat arm phobia, by letting you all see it in all it’s large glory.

I blame/thank Bevin for helping me with the courage to post this, though it’s still taken me all day to actually do it. Back on my HNT two weeks ago I mentioned “I have a thing about showing my arms, especially my upper arms, I blame my dad for that, so I had to cover them up with something.” She responded to the post that “unearth[ing] your upper arms” is “crucial to fat activism” and I’ve been thinking a lot about that in the last two weeks, especially with my posting of The Adipositivity Project and looking at all the bold beautiful big sexy women who are uncovered there.

I’m still not where I want to be health-wise, and I still have that inner voice telling me to keep myself covered, but I need to get to a better emotional place before I have the motivation to do all that I want to, and this is a step toward that, so enjoy.

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5 Comments

  1. Mrs. Scribbens’ father used to make those kind of off-hand remarks about her weight. He is attracted to skinny, athletic, runner-type women and she’s sure he was saying more out of concern for her health than anything else, but even when she fresh out of the military and as in-shape as she’d ever been in her life, she was still “fat” in his eyes.

    It’s only been in the past couple of years that the comments about her weight have stopped. And they just did. Overnight. One day she realized “You know, my dad hasn’t said anything about my weight in a long, long time.” I don’t know what the change was in him, but his attitude toward her weight changed and it has gone a long way to helping Mrs. Scribbens accept herself the way she is.

    Your arms are beautiful. They are exactly how they are supposed to be to be your arms.

    Lucius Scribbens’s last blog post: Fat Girls and Swinging

  2. this is so brave. thank you for it. I also have a problem exposing my arms and while I love sleeveless and halter top shirts and dresses on other women, I never wear them myself… except just last week, for a charity event at church I work at, I planned to wear a sleeveless gown with just a feather boa, At the last minute my daughter insisted on having her feather boa back, so I chickened out and threw a shrug on over my arms.

    I wanted to post a picture of myself in the dress because I thought I looked so great with the boa, but this was as close as I came: http://www.flickr.com/photos/anaccidentofhope/3033260473/ still, it’s closer than I’ve come before in posting pictures of my body and my fat arms, and it even shows part of my face, so I’m considering it a step forward.

    each time a fat woman shows her beautiful body on the internet, it helps reshape my vision of what is beautiful. So, again, thank you.

  3. Amber

    Well done for posting your most hated body part. It takes a lot of guts.

  4. It’s a struggle sometimes, to accept the bodies we live in. I waffle back and forth between hating the fat on my body and loving the curves and beauty of myself.

    You are a beautiful girl, no matter what your size. Thanks for baring your arms and sharing yourself with us. You inspire me!

    Coy Pink’s last blog post: HNT – Lipstick

  5. Alice

    Congratulations for sharing. When we accept our biggest defects we feel more freedom. I trying to do the same for me…your history inspired me =) tks

    (sorry my english i am brazilian)

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