Here is another identity that has come quite a long way in the last few months: Dominus and I have had issues with our relationship because of my newfound Domina identity, and especially with my lack of outlet for it. It’s difficult to embrace an identity when you have no one to explore it with, which really just creates frustration and ends up leaking out in our relationship. While I’ve gone online a few times, because I do believe that is a wonderful way to explore new fantasies and new desires, I’m too picky to just Dominate someone I don’t know very well, so it’s difficult.
I have been internalizing most of my questions and trying to figure out where he and I fit together with all of my new revelations about myself. I know that I am still submissive, that I still desire to submit, but my new Domina identity is more enticing at the moment because it is new and unknown. It’s not a conscious decision, but rather something I can’t always control yet since I do not know how to navigate between cuntpet and Domina yet, but I’m working on it.
Onyx and I have been talking quite a bit about our roles, our relationship, and how my new identities have been affecting both of those. I’ve been distant, for one, trying to figure out my internal identity struggle, trying to answer questions, some of which were answered in my Identity Musings posts, some of which I still have to answer.
A few things became apparent: he felt pressured into Dominating me and with all the stress going on at work as well as being unsure of my reaction to him, if I would be obviously receptive to his dominance or if I would not be, he wasn’t feeling motivated to Dominate me and not desiring to either. It was an additional worry, an additional burden, and neither of us are happy about that.
He said there are times that he just doesn’t want to have any responsibility, when he doesn’t want to have to think or decide anything, so I suggested we try switching. After a long somewhat exhausting talk we came to that decision, and as of this morning we have “switched.”
It’s been subtle so far, mostly just asking him to do things for me more than I normally would as well as me having the ultimate decision making. We’ll do more as the weekend goes on, I’ll take more power and expect more compliance, but so far he’s been doing remarkably well, and is asking me if I need anything at various times.
As submissives know, what he requested was not exactly all that a submissive does. We have responsibility and do have to think at all times, and I’m not trying to say that is not the case. However, there is a much different responsibility and different things to think about when being submissive than when being Dominant or even not participating in D/s at all, and it is those two types of responsibility he is trying to get away from.
We’ll talk at length about this, of course, and I’ll post about all of the activities and thoughts of the weekend on Monday.