“I remember clearly how you looked
The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace and style
And now you’re all I wanna see”
-Chances Are
Now that I’ve written about New York City and Sex 2.0 I feel I can get into what you really want to hear about: meeting Marla!
She already wrote about it a few weeks ago and said she wouldn’t write the second installment of her version of it until I got mine out, which gave me the push I needed. It’s not that I didn’t or don’t want to write about the amazing time we had together it’s just kind of painful to rehash all those memories because I miss her so much. However, she is going to be here on Friday so I really need to write up our time together before I see her again! Or so I think.
Like I said near the end of the last post…
I had been reading and responding to her tweets and texts of her getting closer and closer and knew she would arrive around 5:40 or so. Once the last session was over I said my goodbyes and zoomed up to my room to pack everything up. As I was packing she called me informing me of how close she was (her TomTom said less than a mile at that point, I think!) and suggested I pack things up, though I was already a step ahead of her. Once I was finished packing I went downstairs and waited for what felt like ages for her to show up.
Butterflies were overwhelming. I had asked her earlier what color her car was so every time a gold car passed by I would look to see if she was in it. I was so excited and so nervous I wasn’t even sure what to do when she got there! She drove up and parked in the little hotel pick-up/drop-off area in front of where I was standing, jumped out of the car and came rushing over to me.
I was grinning like an idiot at this point, I’m sure, and she threw her arms around me and tacklehugged me so fiercely I stumbled a little and thought I might actually fall over. This woke me up a bit out of my stupor and then we were kissing, and somehow we got to the car and put my stuff in after kissing more and me sliding my hand into her hair and tugging. She made the most wonderful sounds as I pulled her hair, which would continue through the weekend. I knew that we both were extremely nervous but that this was going to be amazing.
We started on our journey through D.C. to Virginia and our hotel. I had to tweet about meeting her and she did so too while we were making our way to the hotel. We quickly called Onyx so he could take part in our meeting and we all remarked on how strange it was for the situation to be reversed! We all were so used to Onyx and me on the phone with Marla and not Marla and me on the phone with Onyx.
After much conversation with Onyx, passing the Washington Monument on our way to Alexandria, VA, and a few failed attempts to kiss at red lights (damn seatbelt kept getting in my way) we made it to the hotel, did the check-in stuff, parked, and went up to the room. We had swimming, as well as food, and getting to know each other biblically *ahem* on the agenda but it took us a while to get to the first two.
I could tell when we got into the room that she was as nervous as I was, we set our stuff down and got comfortable, I plugged my computer in so we could look up restaurants in the area and whatever else two net-addicted people need to do. She was on her stomach and I sat beside her and began rubbing her shoulders, we were talking about… something, I don’t remember, probably her drive and if/when she had eaten. I leaned down and bit her shoulder, and things progressed from there…
There have been so many things happening in the last week that I don’t really know where to start, but let’s see…
I’ll start with pointing you to the last few posts I did on this subject. Overflow about a week ago Thursday when I was overcome with emotion and broke down, unable to really talk about what was going on, but analyzed it afterward. This occurrence and post kind of kick-started the last week of communication and growth between Marla, Onyx, and myself. It has been both incredibly difficult and amazingly wonderful, often at the same time.
In between and since all of these posts we’ve all talked, many a time. Marla wrote about the last few days today in a post titled Emotional Hangover which is wonderful and a much shorter recounting of the happenings than I will probably give, just because I can’t stop myself, so if you don’t want to read all my babble you can go over and read her post to get a good impression of the happenings. Or you can go read her post to get her perspective on things too.
There has been so much going on since Sunday, or really since last Thursday, that I don’t think I can go into too much detail because there has just been way too much. We all have insecurities, some of them very similar and some of them vastly different, but they are there nonetheless. The good part is that we have all grown so much more comfortable with each other in the last week especially so we are really able to say things when something happens that upsets us rather than bottling it up. None of us are really able to say something right away, but usually soon after.
Anytime anyone has something that hurt them or that they are insecure about, fearful of, worried about, etc. we all try to talk together about whatever is going on and emphasize that these feelings are not bad to have or to feel. One thing we all struggle with is getting away from the tendency to bottle everything up or say “this is just my issue they don’t need to know,” though I feel like all of us are much more open and able to allow ourselves to express these things to the others due to the experiences in the last few weeks.
I feel like the three of us have gotten better at communication in general over the last week, and we’ve all gotten so much more comfortable expressing things to each other, both of which are vital for our triad to move forward in any real way. It’s so amazingly exciting, and we’ve gotten to a place of joy and love which has it’s ups and downs but the ups make the downs far worth it.
We all have a tendency to wait for the other shoe to drop, expect something bad to happen, overanalyze, and worry. Of course, we’re human with emotions and are capable of vast emotional switches, but it seems like every day for the last week has just been endless really high highs and really low lows, which has both brought us closer and taken a bit of a toll. Luckily the toll isn’t that bad, just annoying usually emotional hangovers.
We’ve each at some point freaked out over something or another, all valid emotional complaints, but all things we have been able to talk about and work through together, which has been amazing.
I’m still not completely secure in Onyx and Marla relating sexually, but the more Marla and I get comfortable being sexual the more I will be okay with that, I think. Marla and my sexual relationship has moved forward in the past week, as well, we have talked about or worries with the other and become more sexual. On the flip side, Onyx and Marla have gotten much more emotionally connected in the last week and they have progressed greatly there.
Even though I’m getting more comfortable with their sexual relationship I’m still extremely insecure about their relating on a D/s level which I find interesting. Onyx brought something up last night that made it make more sense, basically that he has less to be threatened about in some ways due to the gender of our relationship as well as the power within it.
By definition my relationship with her is going to be different, though there will be many similarities because she and I are both female our relationship will be rather different than my relationship with onyx. I also will probably primarily be topping her, and I’m primarily submissive with Onyx, so that is quite different as well.
However, their relationship is going to be more similar to his and mine than I have really prepared myself for, not only because it is a male/female relationship like mine and Onyx’s but also because primarily he will be the Top and she the bottom, as he doesn’t really switch all that much though occasionally.
I just see that as being a little too close for comfort sometimes, especially since I am rather insecure about my abilities as a submissive/bottom. I assume that she will be better than I at this, and I assume that he will have an easier time topping her because he has often had a difficult time topping me. I think I will be very envious of this once they start getting even more sexual and start exploring bdsm and power with one another.
In addition, Onyx and I have been talking about me having another partner for quite some time. It started with Kat and we’ve been talking about it ever since, so he’s had a year to prepare sharing me with someone else. He and I have never before explored me sharing him with another person, so I was not prepared for it at all and not used to the idea at all either. It’s been a real shock, actually, how much I’ve not been prepared for it.
I know this will continue to be an issue for me, but it’s one that they are both aware of and we are all working to understand and help me feel better about. This does not mean they are going to not be sexual, but it does mean they will understand if I get upset and need to talk about something. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not extremely happy that they are getting closer both sexually and emotionally, because I really am.
One of the biggest problems we have now that we’ve worked through so much stuff over the last week, is that Marla is so far away and we are all unable to physically be together. She and I are planning on meeting May 10th in Washington D.C., though that’s still a little up in the air if it will actually happen we’re planning that it will because it almost has to at this point. Then we are planning on bringing her up here to Seattle at the end of June for all three of us to be together.
The situation we have now is really not fair to her at all. Onyx and I are able to physically be together, be sexual without her, and she has felt very left out of that. We all talked last night about this, and tried to emphasize that she is welcome and invited, but even the idea of being on the phone while we are fucking was a little too much for her. I suggested some alternate methods of communication and inclusion, but we are still working on what might be best. I think once we meet it will be easier and more difficult for her.
Anyone want to move her up here now so that we can all be together? Pretty please?
And, here are some of the songs I’ve been listening to quite a lot lately. Perfect Fingers is not actually by Ani it’s by Tami Greer. The Landon Pigg song is one that Marla introduced me to. The other songs are just wonderful sappy love songs.
What do I have to be scared of? What am I so nervous about things? What is it that triggers these feelings of worry and doubt in me? Why can’t I figure that out?
We all talked today, reassuring the others that our abandonment fears will not come to pass, as best we can for being sensible people who don’t believe in “forever.”
First Onyx and I talked, got to the root of some of the issues, and then we talked with Marla via phone while I cut his hair giving her a bit of a re-cap of our talk while also allowing Marla and Onyx to talk about where they are with each other. I encouraged the talk to be between the two of them, and I think they got more out of it than I did in some ways. Maybe I’m blocking myself from feeling good about this?
I’m not sure what it was, but something cut into me, and now I have a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat telling me something isn’t right. If I knew what triggered this I would talk with them about it, but I can’t pinpoint what it was that has made me so uneasy.
The thought has crossed my mind that it may be much simpler if we weren’t trying to be a triad, if they were separate loves of mine and I didn’t have to deal with them interacting with each other. I wouldn’t mind sharing them with abstract others, even others that I know personally, but I wouldn’t have to witness or participate in their interaction and I would feel better about it.
I think this, but I don’t think it’s true. I also don’t want to deny them the opportunity to be with one another, since they are both so wonderful and I know the three of us will fit so nicely if I can get over this damned insecurity gnawing away at me.
I want to participate in their relationship, I want to experience it and be a part of it, and I want these two people I love quite deeply to find and experience that same deep emotion for each other, but at the same time I’m scared. I just need my automatic emotions to catch up with my brain and my heart.
In my brain and heart I want this triad to work, I want them to grow closer and I want the three of us to find how we work together, but there are moments like these where the fear grips me and I worry about all those little things that could go wrong.
I’m not sure what it was that set me off today, which is the most irritating part. I was happy and loving the way that things were going, but we all got on the phone together and something fell apart in me and made this pain in my chest that won’t go away. I want to talk about this, but I don’t know how to talk about it with Onyx or Marla because I don’t know what the cause of it is yet. Hopefully I’ll figure it out, possibly in the shower.
I’m writing this while I should be showering, and during which I got a most amazing, sexy, and delicious text message from Marla. I feel bad because I don’t think I appreciated the message as much as I would have without this pain, but that doesn’t mean I won’t save it for another time when I do.
Maybe I’ll use the images presented in the message to get myself off in the shower, making myself feel better and distracting myself from the pain so that I can come back to it and overanalyze it with a clear head. I think that might just be the perfect thing to do.
Onyx and I have been talking heavily the last few days and weeks regarding the things that are coming up in regard to our shifting from essentially a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous relationship and then into the triad we are trying to develop. Despite calling ourselves polyamorous since the beginning of our relationship Marla is the first person we’ve actually opened up our relationship to in a serious way.
While we flirted with the idea of being with Kat and glen last year, mostly that was in an N-style relationship with everyone else as close friends but only relationships between some of us not all of us. Kat and I began exploring a possible relationship in addition to my relationship with Onyx and her relationship with glen. Perhaps eventually we would have evolved into a square or some other configuration, but we didn’t get past initial exploring.
Opening up our relationship has brought some issues between Onyx and myself to light, ones that need to be fixed before we can really move forward. For one, we really haven’t been paying a lot of attention to our relationship, a lot of the reason for that is because we really have not had any time apart for a very long time. We had over two months together when we moved and before he got a job when we were essentially with each other constantly.
In some ways we have come to take our relationship for granted. We are so used to the other one being around it’s difficult not to. Because we lack a sufficient amount of furniture we also have essentially been living in a studio apartment, because we have not been utilizing the bedroom for anything other than storage space. This needs to change, and we realize that.
For another, Onyx is much more comfortable with me being with someone else than I am with him being with someone else. This is something I need to work on. It’s not that I don’t want him to be with someone else, part of it is he’s never really expressed interest in someone else before so it’s a new experience for me. Of course, part of me wants to keep him all to myself, but only a small part of me, the rest of me wants him to be happy and have the same opportunities I do.
Because we are working on bringing Marla in we have begun communicating more often and more effectively, I believe. We are forced to because now we have another person involved and in some ways that’s more pressure on the both of us to make everything right. It’s both helped and hurt our relationship in many ways, which is normal for the monogamous to non-monogamous transition process.
Marla and I have been exploring our relationship quite heavily, and have moved into solid relationship territory as far as I’m concerned. We know each other quite well now, and our attraction and desire for each other continues to grow, even if I’m unable to express it sometimes. The next step is for us to meet, and we’re pretty sure that’s going to happen at the beginning of May while I’m in D.C. for Sex 2.0.
The problem for me comes in when Marla and Onyx try to get closer. Moving now from the polyamorous Vee relationship we have been nurturing into the triad we all desire. The problem stems from my own insecurity, and I really don’t like it at all. In many ways I am threatened by the idea of the two of them getting closer, even though part of me wants them to get closer and wants us to become a triad like we have all been talking about.
I had a dream a while back that the three of us were starting to fool around together and they up and left me, went to another room and locked the door so that they could play by themselves without me. This hurt. A lot. I woke up sobbing. It was not a good time. Essentially, it all comes back to my rejection phobia. It’s ridiculous, because I know they both love me and they are coming together in many ways because of me, but I’m not confident enough that I believe that they won’t stop being interested in me.
Logically I know this is silly, because I know that, like I said, in many ways I am the reason why they are coming together, but the fear is still there. I am working on acknowledging it, understanding it, and working with it to the point that it won’t be an issue, but I fear that the fear will always be there, lurking at the back of my mind.
The fear also makes me feel selfish, because I have no problem with me having multiple partners, but when my partners show interest in each other my insecurities flare up and I’m unable to fully feel the compersion that part of me feels. I am both elated and scared at the possibility of the two of them together.
On the one hand I really encourage their relationship. I’ve been trying to incorporate Onyx into the nightly phone calls that Marla and I have, I’ve been trying to encourage the two of them to explore and interact more so that they can get to know each other better, I’ve been trying to be the biggest supporter for their relationship. Then, when I see them interacting I close up, I send mixed signals, even though part of me wants them to work another part of me is worried that it will work too well.
This all mostly stems from sexual insecurity. It feels strange for me, as someone who embraces sexual expression and sexuality, to feel insecure about my sexuality. I have worked hard on being confident sexually, and I feel that I am in many ways but I’m not in others. Specifically, I haven’t been with a woman for years, and I’m worried that I’m not going to be any good. It’s a silly and baseless fear, but it’s one I have nonetheless.
My inability to be sexual with Marla compounds the issue. I want her, I fantasize about her, I imagine all sorts of wonderful things that we will eventually be able to do, but I have an extremely difficult time flirting with her or expressing my sexual interest in her at all. I’m not sure where this mental block is coming from, but it’s there and it’s not conscious. I’m worried that I will say the wrong thing, I overanalyze what I do say and always assume the worst, and then I watch Onyx and Marla interact so easily sexually and I’m envious and jealous both.
It seems easier for them to interact on a sexual level than on a personal one, and it’s the opposite for Marla and me. She has been pushing us in a more sexual direction but I have been resisting, even though I don’t want to resist. I watch how easy it is for Onyx to say things that I wish I could say and I shut down.
I’m working on figuring out how to fix this, but it may take a while. I’m hoping that meeting Marla in D.C. and actually physically being able to be with her will help me get over this mental block. Being able to explore each other and become sexual with each other on a physical level will help me be able to be sexual with her long-distance I think. Once I’m more able to be sexual with her long-distance I will be able to not be envious when she and Onyx express desires for each other sexually, and I’ll be able to feel the compersion I’ve been experiencing intellectually in my heart as well.
A week ago we were nervous, unsure of what was okay to say and what was not. We had the same desires we do now but were keeping them quiet, letting the idea of them saturate our minds but only disclosing parts. Torturing ourselves and each other with uncertainty.
Each day we get more comfortable, share our words more easily, or desires flow from our lips and fingers as we despise being so far apart. Nearly three thousand miles away our thoughts still turn to the other even without yet having met face to face.
We dream and long for the time when fingers can be thrust into aching holes, wrapped around soft throats, and sucked on by eager mouths. When toys and fingers and mouths can be used to discover all the right places to make the other moan, writhe, and come. When nothing separates us but air, or not even that.
A week ago we had all these desires but weren’t sure how to express them. We didn’t have the permission yet from ourselves, or the coaxing from the other to explore how we fit together. Now we do.
Femme–an identity that has caused controversy, celebration and ridicule–is now the topic of a two-volume set from Homofactus Press and editor Jennifer Clare Burke titled Visible: A Femmethology. Femmethology calls the LGBTQI community on its own prejudice and celebrates the diversity of individual femmes. Award-winning authors, spoken-word artists, and totally new voices come together to challenge conventional ideas of how disability, class, nationality, race, aesthetics, sexual orientation, gender identity and body type intersect with each contributor’s concrete notion of femmedom. – from femmethology.com
This month of April marks something I’ve been waiting for quite some time: the Femmethology virtual blog tour! Today is lucky enough to be my day, and so I’m sharing some of my feelings and insights related to the Femmethology. Visit Daphne Gottlieb tomorrow for her day, and all the sites at the bottom of the post on their days.
First, a little about the Femmethology: Visible: A Femmethology
Femmethology is essential—a roadmap of Femme Nation, an index, an anthropology, a manifesto, and a googleology. – Dorothy Allison
Visible: a Femmethology is a two-volume anthology of essays revolving around femme identity.
Not that I had forgotten my femme identity, I just had been focusing more consciously on my fagette identity than my femme because it was new and in a way easier to focus on because it’s more visible (though only slightly). The identities in no way are opposites, they are complimentary, but they are also different. Reading through the Femmethology in a way re-connected me with my femme identity.
The biggest benefit of the Femmethology, in my opinion, is that it helps remind us that we are not alone as femmes. While some of us have many femme friends and a wonderful support system the rest of us do not and we have to navigate the world without much reassurance and reminders that there are so many of us out there feeling the same things. This is one of the reasons I started The Femme’s Guide in the first place, to emphasize that there are many of us out there, and while we’re all different we are also all the same.
I was moved many times throughout the two volumes. There were authors I knew well or moderately well, from various avenues such as Sinclair Sexsmith, Sassafras Lowrey, and Tara Hardy. There were many other authors that I didn’t know anything about, but I was able to get to know something about them through their stories.
Many stories touched me to the core, rocked me, and left me dazed and contemplating my own stories and my own identities.
I feel that Visible: A Femmethology is not just a book or anthology meant to be read, though it certainly is that as well, it’s also a look into each of these femme’s lives and voices, an adventure into different types of femme-ininity and different experiences that all somehow are similar because of this identity we all embrace and inhabit. It shows the vastness of femme while also showing what unites us.
It screamed “you are not alone” to me right when I needed it.
From the Introduction to the anthology: “Femme means I won’t compromise on complexity. … Above all, my femme is not your femme, which is the good news. … Femme means my sexuality, my partner choices, my definitions and my gender presentation might not match your labels.”
I’ve been trying more vigorously to finish Opening Up by Tristan Taormino which, if you don’t know, is all about non-monogamy. I started it months ago but have yet to finish it because I keep picking up other books in the meantime (mostly ones I have to review).
In Opening Up defining a relationship is emphasized, but not in order to box in or pin down a relationship (because the ability to revise or change the relationship at any time is also emphasized) but in order to make sure that everyone within the relationship is in agreement and happy with where it is and how it’s progressing and feeling and working.
Basically, communication is key, and though that’s true in every relationship it can be exponentially trickier in non-monogamous relationships to make sure that everyone is happy with everything that’s going on.
Part of successful communication can be coming to agreement on terms and labels used for certain interactions and activities. I like labels as long as they are recognized as flexible and subject to change. While terms don’t dictate a relationship one can use terms to define a relationship as close to accurately as possible.
Sometimes defining a relationship is a useful tool to use to check in with everyone in that relationship and make sure everyone is on the same wavelength. I’m over-explaining a bit, I realize, but I have a point to make, promise.
The reason I bring this up is because this morning I changed my FetLife profile information from reading “Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “It’s Complicated with MarlaSinger” in the “relationship status” portion and “Switches with Onyx93” and nothing defined with MarlaSinger in the “D/s relationship status” portion to what is below.
Little changes on social networking sites like this aren’t really a big deal in some ways, but they definitely do mark a change in the way I’ve been thinking about our relationship that I’m able to actually put that we’re in a relationship quite solidly. I do feel like we’re more solidly in relationship territory rather than the “getting to know you” or “friends who are interested in each other” territory which is where we’ve been for a while, even without the presence of gettin’ down and dirty.
I’m not really sure what the distinction between “In a Relationship and Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “In an Open Relationship with MarlaSinger” really is but I think it has something to do with the stages each of those relationships are in.
Onyx and I are very much set in our relationship, though that’s not to say we’re stagnant or unsatisfying. We’ve been together for about four years and have been living together for over two and a half of that. While we still have our bumps and explorations for the most part we’re really very solid in where our relationship is, which is also why we’re able to start branching out into other relationships. I am in a relationship with him and we are also polyamorous, that’s just how I see it.
Maybe part of the difference too is because Marla and I are long-distance and still exploring the beginning stages of our relationship. To me, indicating that we are in an open relationship also indicates less permanence in our relationship as opposed to being polyamorous in a relationship. That’s not to say our relationship isn’t permanent but it’s not as set as my relationship with Onyx because we are still discovering nuances and facets of each other that are new and unexpected and discovering the ways in which we fit together.
These are just the distinctions my brain is making between the two terms, of course, and I wouldn’t force these definitions on anyone else, they’re just what work for me.
We are still slowly progressing in our own long-distance way, which is really enjoyable and wonderful but also frustrating because, well, it’s long distance.
We’re constantly getting more sexual with each other, getting to that next step, moving beyond the “abstractly sexual” talk of toys and such to much more personal talk of desires and where we think we fit together. It’s fantastic, and I find myself fantasizing about being with her (my latest Microfantasy Monday post was in many ways inspired by her) but I’m also getting anxious for the next sexual step.
Neither of us seem terribly desirous of engaging in sexual activities online or on the phone, preferring to wait until we meet to explore the physical sexuality with each other, but the desire and the drive to do so is slowly becoming more and more apparent. This is definitely a good thing, but also a frustrating thing.
I’m confident that it will unfold in a way that works, though, and really have hardly any doubts or worries about the relationship and how it is progressing. It almost seems too easy sometimes, too perfect for my overlyanalytical brain to handle, but it felt like this with Onyx as well and look how that turned out…
I’m afraid she’s losing interest, and I’m afraid it’s all my fault.
This may be my paranoid insecurities talking, ’cause, hey, I have lots of those, but Onyx and I were talking the other night about Marla, specifically Marla and me and our lack of long-distance physical sexual anything which is rather important to where we are at if we actually want to progress to anything further. We talk about sex and sex toys and the probability of sex while she’s here, but I’m horrible at flirting and I’m almost frightened to take things to another level because I’m afraid of it being… well, wrong.
My post the other day about when I said that the only thing “wrong” with her is that she’s a Top/bottom switch was supposed to be more telling about her (often scary) near perfection than it was about my actual feelings about switching and set roles or any of the other things I analyzed. I was basically trying to say that she seems to fit almost too well, and the only real flaw I have yet to find is that she does not live up exactly to the ideal I’ve been searching for, but, um, I’m not expecting anyone to because that’s a desire or fantasy rather than a reality.
I keep everyone at a distance. It’s difficult for me to let anyone in, but it’s much easier for me to write about things, so that’s what I’m doing. If something’s going too well my automatic reaction is to push away from it, examine it, try to figure out where it might go wrong so that I can buffer myself against the eventual perceived fall out. Of course, my perception often creates reality because then I’ve pulled back or detached which is a catalyst for what I was afraid of.
Everything’s so new with her, and everything feels so right I’m just waiting for the (in my head) inevitable proverbial other shoe, while also hoping that shoe never actually drops.
None of my pulling away has been conscious, really, either. I’ve forgotten to take my phone off of silent and missed some of her calls. Sunday I was in a really odd mood and wasn’t very communicative with her at all most of that day, which I feel bad about, but I had retreated into my shell, and I wasn’t even that communicative with Onyx who was only a few feet from me at most times.
When Onyx and I talked about this he kept reminding me that it’s my move, that I need to do something to show her that I’m interested, since she’s the lunger in this situation and I’m the lungee, which is a situation I don’t think I’ve really been in before. I’ve always been the lunger, and I’ve more often than not been squashed.
I know what I’d want in her situation, but as the lungee I don’t know how to initiate another level of contact, and I’m also not sure if I’m ready to move to that level for fear of failure. Either failure of me not doing the right thing or failure of our compatibility, because I want this blossoming relationship to be as wonderful as I imagine it will. However, I’ll never know how wonderful it actually is until we start interacting on more of a relationship-level than a friendship-level, if that makes sense. The problem is I don’t know how to initiate that.
I think the thing with us I’m most afraid of is not performing well sexually, not meeting her expectations of me and therefore ruin this entire budding relationship, or just generally messing up and being incompatible in that area. It seems silly, maybe, for someone who is actually relatively in tune with their sexuality, but before Onyx I really didn’t have that much experience aside from one-night stands and autoerotic interactions.
Logically, I should simply initiate a conversation into some sort of sexual area (and not a sexual area that is, essentially, “shop talk” to us sex toy reviewers), or at very least initiate some light flirting to let her know that I’m actually interested, as opposed to what I’ve been doing which has been small amounts of very reserved flirting and not answering her phone calls (though unintentionally!).
However, that’s always easier said than done, especially to someone who has a rather large fear of rejection (I know we all do, but mine is, well, large as it often is the reason behind me choosing not to go to a social event, but that’s a whole other thing… let’s say I don’t socialize much because of it). I try to put fear aside, and I think about saying these things while I’m on the phone with her, but the words don’t come out.
Onyx says that she’s waiting on me to show her I’m interested in more, because she’s given me all the signs that she is, but my reaction to her pulling back (which is probably actually a reaction to me pulling back) is to automatically assume that now that she knows me better she doesn’t actually like me as much, which may not make that much sense unless you’re in my paranoid, insecure, and overanalytical head. Sometimes I think my degree in Psychology is a hindrance rather than a help, though in this case it’s telling me that I’m the one fucking up here.
If only I could convince myself that taking that next step is the right thing to do. Of course, what would really help is if I could actually bring any of this up to her directly. I never claimed to be great at communicating, just that it’s important and I want to be great at it, but I often fail miserably. Then again, my blog basically is my way of communicating, so maybe this post will help.
There are so many ways to play with and express gender and gender deviance, from subtle to in-your-face and everywhere in between. What I’ve been trying to figure out in the last few weeks is how to reconcile my femme and fagette identities into a conceivable whole. I’m often not sure it’s even possible, but I’m trying at least.
I was asked not too long ago on FetLife “how do you find the harmony of being both without being confused or feel like you’re betraying one half of yourself at the expense of expressing the other?”
Part of my response:
“Unfortunately, I don’t have a good answer for that question. I do often feel confused or like I am betraying parts of myself, but I can only realize that there is almost no way to not feel that way and in realizing try not to feel that betrayal. It’s difficult to almost never have my own gender perceived or acknowledged by those around me. I think that is one of the worst things about being gender-fluid, or any sort of multigendered, that it’s difficult or nearly impossible to get validation from others on your gender because there’s not an easy way to express gender fluidity, if it can be expressed at all in all it’s vastness. Since people want to categorize everyone they meet and since we are conditioned to view gender as binary it’s difficult to exist outside of that binary in the gender galaxy at large.”
My issue with this moves beyond being multigendered into the fact that not only am I multigendered but that due to my appearance I’m easily read by the outside world as cisgendered. It’s similar to femme invisibility, though the issue is gender invisibility rather than queer invisibility. While femme is a large part of my gender identity it is not all of it.
Femme gender and queerness is what is invisible, what people have trouble seeing or what people gloss over. Because my primary gender presentation is femme I have the same issues but with the added fagette twist. This isn’t to say that my invisibility is more than that of femmes because it’s not, it’s just a slightly different kind of the same invisibility.
Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m involved with a cisgendered male. I’m used to people not seeing my queerness especially when we’re together, and I’m used to people not seeing my fagette side because it can also look very femme.
It’s human nature to look for recognition in others, and look for others like you. Even while I’m used to people not seeing these things in me that doesn’t mean I still don’t want them to. I am slowly coming to embrace the fact that it doesn’t matter as much what other people see as long as I know how I feel and am being me to the best of my ability. It’s difficult, but it’s something I’m trying to do.
A few butches on twitter were talking about cross-dressing a while ago, I know Kyle and Sinclair were among them and don’t remember who else, but they said that when asked if they cross-dress daily they would say no because cross-dressing to them would be wearing a skirt. I began to question my own cross-dressing, and part of me thinks I do cross-dress daily.
I think clothes for me are cross-dressing, clothes for me are drag. Sometimes I think I’ve just internalized pomo rhetoric to the extent that I really don’t feel like I have an inherent draw to some gender or another. I know that even though all gender is drag that doesn’t mean that people don’t have a pull to some sort of gender expression or another. I do have a pull to gender expression, but I don’t know what gender expression is pulling me to it.
I wear skirts. I don’t wear pants. Honestly, I don’t wear pants because they are confining and uncomfortable. Although I can’t say that has nothing to do with the meaning of pants in our society since that is so ingrained in us and I’m sure it’s still ingrained in me, but I can say that my conscious reasoning behind it doesn’t have to do with that.
My only issue with skirt wearing is that it’s difficult to be androgynous in a skirt. Or, let me rephrase: it’s difficult to be perceived as androgynous in a skirt. If I were male in a skirt that would be clear, but female in a skirt seems to be perceived as nothing but feminine. Since cutting my hair short I’ve gotten a few more double-takes, a few more curious looks, but I’m generally dismissed as a short-haired girl regardless of how much I try to play with my femme fagette expression.
There are nights I feel more like a femme and nights I feel more like a fagette, and nights where I’m not sure what the fuck I am. The only harmony I can find is by overanalyzing, exploring, and allowing myself and my gender to grow and evolve.
Recently I’ve been thinking about and exploring the idea of packing. Somehow packing has come up quite a bit in the last few weeks, both in the form of reviews (both Holden and ErinLeone have reviewed packies recently) and pictures (Kyle shared some with us for HNT). I’d been thinking about packing in a peripheral way before these all came out, but they definitely brought it to the forefront for me.
I just recently received Silky in the mail, just yesterday actually. A almost flesh-colored cock that has a bendable spine in the middle enabling the user to bend it to any shape the six inches of shaft can bend to. I enjoy making it S shaped and such just to see how well it bends. Because Silky is so bendable it’s also great for hard packing (as opposed to soft packing). One of the main reasons I got Silky is to see how it works for packing.
I packed with Silky for a while last night, though I did it just around the house. It was unusual, but I definitely liked it. The thing about packing isn’t about wanting to have a penis, at least not for me and not for the people I’ve talked about packing with, it’s more of a focal point for gendered energy. It was a reminder more than anything else, something to draw my attention and to bring my consciousness to my gender.
While I was packing I was wearing a dress. My Silky was not really noticeable under the dress at all, unless I sat cross-legged and the dress draped over Silky, but even when that happened it wouldn’t have been apparent unless one was looking for it. It isn’t meant to be obvious, though, and just the fact that I’m packing under a skirt is genderfucky enough for me. The glaring gender “contradiction” is where I thrive. It’s where I find my harmony, even if no one else knows about it.
