Yet another picture from the time Marla and I had with each other, the time I have yet to write up but will get to one of these days… promise! She’s already written about our first day together, so if you haven’t read that yet you definitely should!
She’s also posting the same images this week, over here, because we’re sickeningly cute like that!
These both were taken while we were on the phone with Onyx, after some hot phone sex, as you can see in the image of me below (as I’m holding my phone). They were taken on the 10th of May around noon, Onyx mentioned he wanted more pictures of us and so Marla started snapping some while we were all on the phone. I then stole the (my) camera to take one of her, which I love. I think she was straddling me at the moment both pictures were taken?
Marla’s eyes are blacked out to protect her anonymity, my eyes are shielded just by happenstance.
She’s so sexy! And I’m so jealous of her double nipple piercings, I used to have mine like that but had to take my vertical ones out. Hers are so sexy! Everything about her is sexy!
It’s rare for me to be at such a loss for words. When something wonderful is happening the words often spill out of me, when something horrible is happening they come even easier, part of why I love the first two lines of Detroit Annie, Hitchhiking so much, because I identify with them: Her words pour out as if her throat were a broken / artery and her mind were cut-glass, carelessly handled.
I don’t write eloquently, but I write from my heart, I spill my mind and blood onto the page because I am unable to do anything else, because that is what I need to do in order to figure out what is going on in my brain, and because it’s necessary. However, there has been so much going on the last few weeks that I am having a difficult time starting. I’m at a loss for words.
I feel I should start at the beginning, but I think I will start anywhere and just let that broken artery spill freely onto my blog again, or maybe write up the posts in whatever order they arrive and then publish them in the correct order: Sex 2.0, meeting Marla, leaving Marla, what has happened since I’ve been home.
There is just so much to write and I’m not sure how to just do it. But I’ll do it, because I need to get it out of me.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or this is the first post you’ve ever seen of mine and you don’t follow me on twitter, you probably know that last weekend after Sex 2.0 my long-distance love Marla and I met face-to-face for the first time.
She picked me up at the hotel in Silver Springs, MD where Sex 2.0 was held at and we quickly sped to our hotel in Alexandria, VA (both right outside of Washington, D.C.). There will be much posting of our time together, and this will be the first of many HNT pictures that are posted from the weekend that is also posted on both of our blogs (we’re cheesy like that).
We both have lots of posts planned, if we can get to writing them, though a lot of the weekend is a blissful blur in my memory.
Here we are in our non-makeup’d post-sexing glory. We are happy, tired, blissful, and so many other adjectives. Onyx currently has this image of us as his desktop wallpaper.
Stay tuned for more posts and HNT’s of our wonderful weekend together!
Currently updating from “History of Written Erotica on the Internet” (third session) by Jack Stratton. I woke up later than planned after a long night last night, but that’s something else to talk about entirely. Basically I woke up when the keynote was happening and was going to get food during the first session although I just ended up missing it.
I went to Mollena‘s “Flying Your Freak Flag” session (second session) which was pretty amazing and hilarious (she wrote about it and Sex 2.0 here), and I have been tweeting massively regarding what has been going on this weekend.
There are two more sessions, and I’ll be live-tweeting throughout, but I wanted to post on here with a little update. Sex 2.0 has simply been wonderful and amazing thus far. I’ve met some brilliant and wonderful people and connected offline with people I’ve already connected to online, such as Carnivalesq, it’s pretty fantastic.
This session has focused on anonymity in addition to erotica itself, but specifically writing erotica and sex blogging and such. It’s something I definitely want to write about, my sort-of anonymity, as I go by Scarlet offline as well as on.
Also, while I am loving Sex 2.0 what I’m really excited about is that Marla is currently on her way driving up here to D.C. We have a hotel room for the next two nights, and are going to be fucking our brains out meeting, connecting, and… well… okay, fucking our brains out!
There will be so much more for me to write about, the last few days in NYC, the sex bus, Sex 2.0, meeting and fucking Marla, then back to NYC… I’m going to be a very busy blogger in the next week!
There have been so many things happening in the last week that I don’t really know where to start, but let’s see…
I’ll start with pointing you to the last few posts I did on this subject. Overflow about a week ago Thursday when I was overcome with emotion and broke down, unable to really talk about what was going on, but analyzed it afterward. This occurrence and post kind of kick-started the last week of communication and growth between Marla, Onyx, and myself. It has been both incredibly difficult and amazingly wonderful, often at the same time.
In between and since all of these posts we’ve all talked, many a time. Marla wrote about the last few days today in a post titled Emotional Hangover which is wonderful and a much shorter recounting of the happenings than I will probably give, just because I can’t stop myself, so if you don’t want to read all my babble you can go over and read her post to get a good impression of the happenings. Or you can go read her post to get her perspective on things too.
There has been so much going on since Sunday, or really since last Thursday, that I don’t think I can go into too much detail because there has just been way too much. We all have insecurities, some of them very similar and some of them vastly different, but they are there nonetheless. The good part is that we have all grown so much more comfortable with each other in the last week especially so we are really able to say things when something happens that upsets us rather than bottling it up. None of us are really able to say something right away, but usually soon after.
Anytime anyone has something that hurt them or that they are insecure about, fearful of, worried about, etc. we all try to talk together about whatever is going on and emphasize that these feelings are not bad to have or to feel. One thing we all struggle with is getting away from the tendency to bottle everything up or say “this is just my issue they don’t need to know,” though I feel like all of us are much more open and able to allow ourselves to express these things to the others due to the experiences in the last few weeks.
I feel like the three of us have gotten better at communication in general over the last week, and we’ve all gotten so much more comfortable expressing things to each other, both of which are vital for our triad to move forward in any real way. It’s so amazingly exciting, and we’ve gotten to a place of joy and love which has it’s ups and downs but the ups make the downs far worth it.
We all have a tendency to wait for the other shoe to drop, expect something bad to happen, overanalyze, and worry. Of course, we’re human with emotions and are capable of vast emotional switches, but it seems like every day for the last week has just been endless really high highs and really low lows, which has both brought us closer and taken a bit of a toll. Luckily the toll isn’t that bad, just annoying usually emotional hangovers.
We’ve each at some point freaked out over something or another, all valid emotional complaints, but all things we have been able to talk about and work through together, which has been amazing.
I’m still not completely secure in Onyx and Marla relating sexually, but the more Marla and I get comfortable being sexual the more I will be okay with that, I think. Marla and my sexual relationship has moved forward in the past week, as well, we have talked about or worries with the other and become more sexual. On the flip side, Onyx and Marla have gotten much more emotionally connected in the last week and they have progressed greatly there.
Even though I’m getting more comfortable with their sexual relationship I’m still extremely insecure about their relating on a D/s level which I find interesting. Onyx brought something up last night that made it make more sense, basically that he has less to be threatened about in some ways due to the gender of our relationship as well as the power within it.
By definition my relationship with her is going to be different, though there will be many similarities because she and I are both female our relationship will be rather different than my relationship with onyx. I also will probably primarily be topping her, and I’m primarily submissive with Onyx, so that is quite different as well.
However, their relationship is going to be more similar to his and mine than I have really prepared myself for, not only because it is a male/female relationship like mine and Onyx’s but also because primarily he will be the Top and she the bottom, as he doesn’t really switch all that much though occasionally.
I just see that as being a little too close for comfort sometimes, especially since I am rather insecure about my abilities as a submissive/bottom. I assume that she will be better than I at this, and I assume that he will have an easier time topping her because he has often had a difficult time topping me. I think I will be very envious of this once they start getting even more sexual and start exploring bdsm and power with one another.
In addition, Onyx and I have been talking about me having another partner for quite some time. It started with Kat and we’ve been talking about it ever since, so he’s had a year to prepare sharing me with someone else. He and I have never before explored me sharing him with another person, so I was not prepared for it at all and not used to the idea at all either. It’s been a real shock, actually, how much I’ve not been prepared for it.
I know this will continue to be an issue for me, but it’s one that they are both aware of and we are all working to understand and help me feel better about. This does not mean they are going to not be sexual, but it does mean they will understand if I get upset and need to talk about something. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not extremely happy that they are getting closer both sexually and emotionally, because I really am.
One of the biggest problems we have now that we’ve worked through so much stuff over the last week, is that Marla is so far away and we are all unable to physically be together. She and I are planning on meeting May 10th in Washington D.C., though that’s still a little up in the air if it will actually happen we’re planning that it will because it almost has to at this point. Then we are planning on bringing her up here to Seattle at the end of June for all three of us to be together.
The situation we have now is really not fair to her at all. Onyx and I are able to physically be together, be sexual without her, and she has felt very left out of that. We all talked last night about this, and tried to emphasize that she is welcome and invited, but even the idea of being on the phone while we are fucking was a little too much for her. I suggested some alternate methods of communication and inclusion, but we are still working on what might be best. I think once we meet it will be easier and more difficult for her.
Anyone want to move her up here now so that we can all be together? Pretty please?
And, here are some of the songs I’ve been listening to quite a lot lately. Perfect Fingers is not actually by Ani it’s by Tami Greer. The Landon Pigg song is one that Marla introduced me to. The other songs are just wonderful sappy love songs.
Onyx and I have been talking heavily the last few days and weeks regarding the things that are coming up in regard to our shifting from essentially a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous relationship and then into the triad we are trying to develop. Despite calling ourselves polyamorous since the beginning of our relationship Marla is the first person we’ve actually opened up our relationship to in a serious way.
While we flirted with the idea of being with Kat and glen last year, mostly that was in an N-style relationship with everyone else as close friends but only relationships between some of us not all of us. Kat and I began exploring a possible relationship in addition to my relationship with Onyx and her relationship with glen. Perhaps eventually we would have evolved into a square or some other configuration, but we didn’t get past initial exploring.
Opening up our relationship has brought some issues between Onyx and myself to light, ones that need to be fixed before we can really move forward. For one, we really haven’t been paying a lot of attention to our relationship, a lot of the reason for that is because we really have not had any time apart for a very long time. We had over two months together when we moved and before he got a job when we were essentially with each other constantly.
In some ways we have come to take our relationship for granted. We are so used to the other one being around it’s difficult not to. Because we lack a sufficient amount of furniture we also have essentially been living in a studio apartment, because we have not been utilizing the bedroom for anything other than storage space. This needs to change, and we realize that.
For another, Onyx is much more comfortable with me being with someone else than I am with him being with someone else. This is something I need to work on. It’s not that I don’t want him to be with someone else, part of it is he’s never really expressed interest in someone else before so it’s a new experience for me. Of course, part of me wants to keep him all to myself, but only a small part of me, the rest of me wants him to be happy and have the same opportunities I do.
Because we are working on bringing Marla in we have begun communicating more often and more effectively, I believe. We are forced to because now we have another person involved and in some ways that’s more pressure on the both of us to make everything right. It’s both helped and hurt our relationship in many ways, which is normal for the monogamous to non-monogamous transition process.
Marla and I have been exploring our relationship quite heavily, and have moved into solid relationship territory as far as I’m concerned. We know each other quite well now, and our attraction and desire for each other continues to grow, even if I’m unable to express it sometimes. The next step is for us to meet, and we’re pretty sure that’s going to happen at the beginning of May while I’m in D.C. for Sex 2.0.
The problem for me comes in when Marla and Onyx try to get closer. Moving now from the polyamorous Vee relationship we have been nurturing into the triad we all desire. The problem stems from my own insecurity, and I really don’t like it at all. In many ways I am threatened by the idea of the two of them getting closer, even though part of me wants them to get closer and wants us to become a triad like we have all been talking about.
I had a dream a while back that the three of us were starting to fool around together and they up and left me, went to another room and locked the door so that they could play by themselves without me. This hurt. A lot. I woke up sobbing. It was not a good time. Essentially, it all comes back to my rejection phobia. It’s ridiculous, because I know they both love me and they are coming together in many ways because of me, but I’m not confident enough that I believe that they won’t stop being interested in me.
Logically I know this is silly, because I know that, like I said, in many ways I am the reason why they are coming together, but the fear is still there. I am working on acknowledging it, understanding it, and working with it to the point that it won’t be an issue, but I fear that the fear will always be there, lurking at the back of my mind.
The fear also makes me feel selfish, because I have no problem with me having multiple partners, but when my partners show interest in each other my insecurities flare up and I’m unable to fully feel the compersion that part of me feels. I am both elated and scared at the possibility of the two of them together.
On the one hand I really encourage their relationship. I’ve been trying to incorporate Onyx into the nightly phone calls that Marla and I have, I’ve been trying to encourage the two of them to explore and interact more so that they can get to know each other better, I’ve been trying to be the biggest supporter for their relationship. Then, when I see them interacting I close up, I send mixed signals, even though part of me wants them to work another part of me is worried that it will work too well.
This all mostly stems from sexual insecurity. It feels strange for me, as someone who embraces sexual expression and sexuality, to feel insecure about my sexuality. I have worked hard on being confident sexually, and I feel that I am in many ways but I’m not in others. Specifically, I haven’t been with a woman for years, and I’m worried that I’m not going to be any good. It’s a silly and baseless fear, but it’s one I have nonetheless.
My inability to be sexual with Marla compounds the issue. I want her, I fantasize about her, I imagine all sorts of wonderful things that we will eventually be able to do, but I have an extremely difficult time flirting with her or expressing my sexual interest in her at all. I’m not sure where this mental block is coming from, but it’s there and it’s not conscious. I’m worried that I will say the wrong thing, I overanalyze what I do say and always assume the worst, and then I watch Onyx and Marla interact so easily sexually and I’m envious and jealous both.
It seems easier for them to interact on a sexual level than on a personal one, and it’s the opposite for Marla and me. She has been pushing us in a more sexual direction but I have been resisting, even though I don’t want to resist. I watch how easy it is for Onyx to say things that I wish I could say and I shut down.
I’m working on figuring out how to fix this, but it may take a while. I’m hoping that meeting Marla in D.C. and actually physically being able to be with her will help me get over this mental block. Being able to explore each other and become sexual with each other on a physical level will help me be able to be sexual with her long-distance I think. Once I’m more able to be sexual with her long-distance I will be able to not be envious when she and Onyx express desires for each other sexually, and I’ll be able to feel the compersion I’ve been experiencing intellectually in my heart as well.
A couple weeks ago Master and I had one of our three anniversaries. Yes, one of the three. Now, I’m not big on anniversaries, I don’t demand gifts or things like that, and this last anniversary passed with little recognition until a few days later when I realized it had passed. I do like anniversaries for the sheer and simple fact that it is a way of marking the time we have spent together, a way of remembering the day we met, or the day we collared, or the day I moved a few hundred miles East to be with him (those are the three anniversaries if you didn’t figure).
I like remembering the day the anniversary celebrates, so I thought to commemorate the anniversary of the day we met face-to-face (which was actually two weeks ago, July 29th) I would tell you a little bit about that day.
First, to tell you about the day we met face-to-face I have to give a little background about how we met and all that other stuff. I have a little bit of it written in my about page but it doesn’t go into great detail. I haven’t really talked about how we met in this blog yet, just where we are now.
Master and I met online on irc.sexnet.org in late 2004, December or so. I had just gotten out of a relationship and was rather sour on relationships in general, he was still married and rather sour on relationships in general as well. I had been told by a friend of mine that he thought I was one of “Pan’s girls” (Master goes by Pan or Pantos online) as in, someone that he scened with on a regular or semi-regular basis. I had never really interacted with Pan although we had similar friends and had seen him around since 2002, so I told him that, and he was surprised because, as he said, Pan and I have really similar desires and sexual tastes.
Needless to say I was intrigued. I made it my intention to get to know Pan better, to talk to him, see if we really were as compatible as J had said. Obviously we were otherwise I wouldn’t still be with him three and a half years later. We began talking, just getting to know each other at first, and then it moved to more. We both declared that we didn’t want a relationship, that we would just be friends and have fun online and chat on the phone and whatnot, but that we weren’t looking for anything serious. I had a crush offline that I was trying to subtly get with, and I talked about her with him, and we got to be good friends.
We talked about him coming to see me in March of 2005, though only idly, and so it didn’t really happen. We were in and out of touch for quite a while, talking most days but not quite every day, that usual online stuff. One night in June we were talking (he was drunk) and he told me that he loved me, that he was in love with me. I was surprised because we had sworn to each other that we would be just friends, but not that surprised because I had suspected he felt for me more than a friend. I knew I felt for him as well, and him telling me that allowed me to feel what I felt for him. I told him I loved him as well, and we started talking about him coming to meet me.
I moved in June, and went home to Alaska for a couple weeks, and then when I came back to Ashland we started seriously planning. He was going to come over on the weekend of the 22nd, arrive Friday night then leave Sunday night, be back home in time for work the next day and all that. He wasn’t able to get on a flight that weekend, he was flying standby at that time as his (ex)wife works for Delta and so he got free flights. And a side note on the wife thing, they were polyamorous, and she knew about me. He was not cheating and I wouldn’t have been with him if he had been. However, I did know that he had been unhappy with her for a few years prior to us being together, so I was a catalyst–though not the reason–for him eventually leaving her.
Back to the story. He wasn’t able to get a flight on the 22nd, which we both bemoaned, and catching a flight the next day would just not be good enough, since we would have even less time together. Since the Medford airport is so small there was only one flight from SLC to Medford a day, so it wasn’t like he could hop on a flight an hour later. We grumbled and were upset but he told me that he would try again the next weekend. And so, on July 29th, 2005 he hopped on a plane from SLC to Medford, then took a taxi to my apartment and knocked on my door.
I remember I had dressed up for him. I put my hair in pigtails, wore a black button-up shirt and my short yellow and green plaid schoolgirl skirt with thigh high fishnets and a garter belt. I was looking hot, and I knew it. I had just moved into the apartment and had very little furniture at the time, though I did have a bed upstairs, and a chair and futon in the living room, but that was it. The living room was large and spacious with just a few scraps of furniture in it. I opened the door, we said hello, he set his luggage down, and then we proceeded to maul each other. He pressed me against the door, we kissed hungrily, he slid his fingers under my skirt…
The first meeting is somewhat of a blur, honestly. I remember kissing him seconds after he came through the door. I remember us not making it two feet before just getting down and fucking right in the living room. He had me kneel and take his cock in my mouth while still against the door, then we moved and he fucked me from behind, my cunt and my ass. It was a whirlwind of excitement for the both of us. Nearly eight months of foreplay had led us up to this point, and there was no way we were leaving any inch of each other untouched.
I remember cuddling up next to him lying there on the floor of my living room, both of us spent and happy after an uncountable number of orgasms. We were cuddling my favorite way, him on his back and me on my side facing him, my head fitting right in that nook that still feels like it’s made for me. We were grinning like fools and so amazingly happy, and all I could think was how perfect we fit together.
