Category: Identity: Top

Results of the Switching Test

On October 28, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top

After our switching attempt was almost over last weekend, Onyx and I talked about it and ended up extending our switch another week, until Sunday night, partially because both of us were enjoying it, and partially because we hadn’t really done too much, I was going a little too slow.

I actually had a harder time switching than he did at first. I had to work down the “you will not switch with Onyx” block I had in my head ever since I discovered my switch side just a few short months ago. It took me a few days to get over that, and I won’t say it’s completely gone now but I’m close to perfectly comfortable in this new role with him, and I’d say he is comfortable as well.

When I first started discovering and playing with my switch identity I thought I wouldn’t want to switch with one person. I thought it would be strange, that I wouldn’t like it, and I wouldn’t have at that point. My desires have changed dramatically lately, not only power- and kink-wise, but also in a myriad of other ways. The basic desires are all still the same, but the specifics are, in some cases, vastly different.

Onyx and I were both surprised at how much we enjoyed the ‘switched’ situation. We put an expiration date on it at the beginning because we knew we wouldn’t want to permanently change to Domina/submissive, but through exploring it what fits us became obvious. We decided to switch with each other on a regular basis, to not have general roles but be able to “pull rank” on the other whenever desired, basically opening up our relationship to be whatever it becomes.

I won’t say this is going to be how it will be forever, but it’s what feels perfect for this moment. We may end up finding someone else that we can always be dominant or submissive with, as well, but not at the same level I was forcing.

I feel like this has given us both room to breathe in some ways. We are able to just be as we feel in the moment. We are able to inhabit a dominant or submissive role because we want to and because we feel like it not because we feel like we have to.

Looking back I know I have been the main reason for throwing this relationship off track D/s-wise, because I was pushing too hard for something that is simply alien for us. We are not meant to have roles that are set in stone with each other, and we never really have except when I pushed for it. It’s nice to be able to breathe.

A Switching Test

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 17, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top

Here is another identity that has come quite a long way in the last few months: Dominus and I have had issues with our relationship because of my newfound Domina identity, and especially with my lack of outlet for it. It’s difficult to embrace an identity when you have no one to explore it with, which really just creates frustration and ends up leaking out in our relationship. While I’ve gone online a few times, because I do believe that is a wonderful way to explore new fantasies and new desires, I’m too picky to just Dominate someone I don’t know very well, so it’s difficult.

I have been internalizing most of my questions and trying to figure out where he and I fit together with all of my new revelations about myself. I know that I am still submissive, that I still desire to submit, but my new Domina identity is more enticing at the moment because it is new and unknown. It’s not a conscious decision, but rather something I can’t always control yet since I do not know how to navigate between cuntpet and Domina yet, but I’m working on it.

Onyx and I have been talking quite a bit about our roles, our relationship, and how my new identities have been affecting both of those. I’ve been distant, for one, trying to figure out my internal identity struggle, trying to answer questions, some of which were answered in my Identity Musings posts, some of which I still have to answer.

A few things became apparent: he felt pressured into Dominating me and with all the stress going on at work as well as being unsure of my reaction to him, if I would be obviously receptive to his dominance or if I would not be, he wasn’t feeling motivated to Dominate me and not desiring to either. It was an additional worry, an additional burden, and neither of us are happy about that.

He said there are times that he just doesn’t want to have any responsibility, when he doesn’t want to have to think or decide anything, so I suggested we try switching. After a long somewhat exhausting talk we came to that decision, and as of this morning we have “switched.”

It’s been subtle so far, mostly just asking him to do things for me more than I normally would as well as me having the ultimate decision making. We’ll do more as the weekend goes on, I’ll take more power and expect more compliance, but so far he’s been doing remarkably well, and is asking me if I need anything at various times.

As submissives know, what he requested was not exactly all that a submissive does. We have responsibility and do have to think at all times, and I’m not trying to say that is not the case. However, there is a much different responsibility and different things to think about when being submissive than when being Dominant or even not participating in D/s at all, and it is those two types of responsibility he is trying to get away from.

We’ll talk at length about this, of course, and I’ll post about all of the activities and thoughts of the weekend on Monday.

Semantics Sunday: Domina

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 3, 2008

In Discourse, Identity: Top, Power Play

Semantics Sunday is the day for me to write my own definition of a word, how I feel about a word, and how it relates to me personally and my own identities. This could be anything sexual, gender, bdsm, and poly/relationship oriented, or anything else I feel like throwing in. This is simply my definition and understanding of the word, and not meant to be the only definition that is or could be. If you have an alternate definition, if you agree with my interpretation, or if you have something to add which I left out or which needs correcting, feel free to let me know in the comments!

For my first Semantics Sunday I figured I should use a word that is near and dear to my heart. Since I have already given my lengthy definition of cuntpet I decided I should focus on the other of my identities: Domina.

I recently created a new channel on irc.bondage.com, where I am quite frequently, called #Fiery_Dominas. This is the first channel with Domina in the channel name, which is part of the reason why I started it, however it has inspired comments such as “What is dominas? Dommes plural?” which is relatively ridiculous considering for one thing, Dommes is Domme plural, and for another thing Domina is a fantastic and real Latin word, unlike Domme, which is a slang term.

Now, on one hand, I feel there is nothing wrong with slang terms, and think that they should be used and incorporated, and Domme basically incorporates Dom and Femme (as in french for female, not queer femme), which is not horrible in general, and is rather logical. However, now that I have discovered and embraced Domina, Domme sounds silly to me, it is nowhere near as linguistically luscious or regal-sounding as Domina is, and it doesn’t inspire the same awe. I also feel that Domina is a much more feminine term than Domme, which is partly why I’m so partial to it as well.

Basically, Domina comes from the Latin root dom- found in other such words as dominate, domify, domicile, and domestic, as well as domin- such as dominant and dominus. From various sources I find that “dom-” actually relates to a household or realm, and the actual Latin translation of Domina or Dominus (the male counterpart), is “Lady or Lord of the house/realm.” This makes sense, considering dom- relating also to words such as domicile and domestic. The prefix domin- alone (supposedly) indicates regal status, such as Lady/Lord, or Mistress/Master, which is why Domina is the feminine and Dominus is the masculine (the suffix -a being feminine, and the suffix -us being masculine).

This brings us to the question, if we use Dom and not Dominus, why should we use Domina and not Domme? Well, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t ever use Domme, I’m just saying that I don’t want to use Domme, and furthermore, we could use Dominus as well, should a male dominant desire to be called that. I’m not going to condemn others for using the term Domme, but I do not identify with the term and will not be using it for myself or for others unless specifically requested.

Discoveries of the Domina

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 25, 2008

In Identity: Top

I dissected my submissive desires back in June with my Cuntpet Revisited post, and I’ve been exploring this Domina side of myself for quite some time, so I’ve come to some realizations. Nothing quite as profound or in-depth as the cuntpet analysis, but some interesting discoveries, nonetheless.

I’ve found that this journey of discovery has been difficult because I don’t feel like it’s something I can easily share with Master. I don’t have any desire to dominate him, and even if I did I doubt he would have any desire for me to dominate him. But, because of this, our relationship has suffered a little bit. We’ve talked about it, which has helped, but I know he still feels like it’s something that’s pulling us apart rather than bringing us together, and he’s right, but at this point there’s little I can do to change that.

That said, primarily this journey of mine has been internal, and a small amount has been online, on irc.bondage.com, a server I have frequented for many years. I have enjoyed the last few weeks, and my new Domina personae, although I want more. While I do believe that online is a fantastic place to explore new desires and fantasies, this needs to move beyond it. However, I would have to find a sub nearby to play with, and that could be tricky. I deeply enjoyed meeting new people at the play party last weekend, but entering in any relationship is going to be tricky. For now, my explorations will be primarily internal, and partially online.

Even though I have the desire to dominate someone, which is getting stronger all the time really, I’m extremely picky. This isn’t anything new, of course, it’s something I’ve known for quite some time, but it’s something that I am often amazed at. Even at my most horny, most desirous, most dominant states I am still picky as hell. It’s annoying, sometimes, because there are times when I just want to say “fuck it” and pick up the first sub I interact with and play, but I won’t allow myself to do that. I prefer to be picky, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t.

I am an extremely mental dominant. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to play with these desires (see above, re: picky), but I can’t imagine playing with anyone without knowing all the intricate details about their desires. Without knowing those it would be difficult for me to weave them around my little finger. While purely physical domination has it’s perks and appeals, there is something delicious about being able to implant yourself deeply into someone else’s mind.

Perhaps it steams from my knowledge and love of psychology, or perhaps my love of psychology stems from my mental domination desires. I’m not sure, really, it’s like the chicken or egg question. I do know, however, that my knowledge of psychology will come in handy for all future mental endeavors. I love the idea of delving into the mind of another and planting all sorts of fun ideas for use later. Playing and toying with someone until all they can think about is me… that brings me to my next point.

I’ve talked many times about my own control freak nature, and I believe this is deeply rooted within my mental domination. I highly enjoy control, both having none and having all, and it’s difficult for me to have anything else. I love total power exchange, regardless of the side I’m on. I am a control addict as well as a control freak, though maybe in some ways they are the same thing.

I am also a rather sadistic dominant. This, too, is not a surprise, really. I’ve had sadistic impulses for a long time, although I haven’t always embraced the term. I’ve always loved biting others for the reaction it gets, I’ve loved spanking and hair pulling, and all sorts of other pain-inflicting things. I curbed these desires, or attempted to, while I was trying to be a “good sub” (whatever that means). I found them coming out in little ways, biting Master being the majority of them.

Within the online realm, I can’t stand when people have “Master” “Mistress” “Lord” etc. as part of their usernames/handles. “Miss” is a little mixed for me, but that’s pretty much the only one. Why do some dominants feel the need to add a title to thier nick? I don’t really understand it. I’ve thought of using the nick MissScarlet, but only for humor purposes (makes me think of Clue, of course). Perhaps this is a little point, and I’m sure it ties in with my ideas of honorifics in general, but it’s rather annoying. It just screams that someone isn’t secure in their role, so they have to shout it to the world instead of exuding it from themselves.

I also can’t stand a large amount of submissives. I knew this already, but now I can’t stand them from a different perspective. I hate what I call “yes subs” by which I mean, submissives who can’t give a straight answer, who answer “whatever Lady wants” or “whatever pleases You” when you ask them a direct question. I understand the reason for it, to an extent, but when I ask a sub what they enjoy, I don’t want to hear “whatever You would like to do to me, Miss” or something like that. The reason for it is to help reinforce submission. I believe it can be a useful tool in training, but not when you first meet someone. It’s ridiculous to tell someone that you don’t know very well “I like what you like” because, well, you don’t know what they like!

I also can’t stand being called Ma’am, but, that’s another issue all together.

I want a real human being. I don’t want a doormat, and I don’t want a “yes sub,” and I don’t want someone who won’t state their own opinions and their own desires. I want someone… well, like me, isn’t it?

Recognition of a Switch

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 4, 2008

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top

I recently changed my role on FetLife to switch. In some ways this is a minor change, I’ve called myself a “cuntpet who Tops on occasion” for quite a while, but these desires are moving from occasional to more frequent.

As Master said when I mentioned that I was thinking about embracing this new identity: now that I have a better idea of my submissive side it’s time to delve into another aspect of myself. He said it half-jokingly, but I know in some ways he’s right. My way of delving into myself is much like my way of delving into relationships: one thing must be solid before I can move on to the next. He didn’t seem surprised when I mentioned it to him, and I have a feeling many of you won’t be either.

Now that I’ve had some major changes in how I express my submissive side, and have a more solid mental base for our relationship I am able to explore that other side of myself, the Top side, the (dare I say it?) Domme side. I’ve never suppressed or denied this aspect of myself exactly, I was just focused on another aspect at the time. I’ve been told by many friends whenever I “came out” as kinky that they expected me to inhabit a dominant role, and I’ve been told by a few friends that they thought I have more Domme in me than I would admit to.

Well, that was true. I’ve struggled with my Top side for many reasons, but especially because it would come poking out when Master and I were having troubles, at least I think that’s what it was. I would get so frustrated that I would try to Top him into dominating me and, really, it didn’t work out that well. Topping from the bottom, yes, but not because I’m not also a bottom but because I wasn’t getting what I needed.

That’s all changed, of course, but I do find myself craving more. Not just a woman, though I’ve been craving that for quite some time, but another partner to play with, to explore this other side of myself. I would not want to switch with Master. I can’t see myself Topping him, nor do I want to Top him. I can’t see myself switching with one person, perhaps because my desire and love of power exchange is that it is constant and stable, not changing, but consistent. This isn’t to say that those who do switch with one partner are bad or doing it wrong or not stable or not consistent. Heavens no! I’m just saying that, for me, that’s how I view it.

Perhaps it has to do with the level of power exchange which I desire, though I’m not sure on that. I know that if I was to take on a sub it would have to be casual at first, but I would end up wanting a rather high level of control in the end. Remember, I’m a control freak, and basically want all or nothing. There would have to be some negotiating and figuring out how me having someone would work into Master’s and my relationship, but I can definitely see myself owning someone at some point in time. This is something I’ve thought a lot about, actually, although it’s jumping the gun quite a bit at this point.

I also think “switch” has a lot of the same (negative) connotations that “bisexual” does, such as fence-sitting, not committing, unsure of what they want, not able to commit to anything long-term, really one way and pretending to be the other, things like that. This is part of the reason why I have chosen to start embracing the term.

Switches are misunderstood in many ways as well, I think. Hell, I’ve had many misconceptions and misinterpretations of what switch means, but only before I started training myself to not view labels as fixed identities but as helpful hints to one of many aspects of a person (though I don’t achieve this all the time, I’m working on it).

I may have to change the subtitle to add “and Top” at the end of it. Maybe after I get more settled into this new identity. I need to try it on in a very real way first, not just in my head.