Category: Identity: Submissive Page 3 of 7

30 Days of Kink: Hard Limits

On October 21, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection, Power Play

This is the tenth of my 30 Days of Kink I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Most of my hard limits are pretty boring, I think. I draw the line at children, animals, dead things (including dead animals), scat, vore, rainbow showers, permanent damage, non-consensual abuse, things like that. The biggest slightly unusual hard limit is tickling. I absolutely hate the sensation of being tickled and I’m extremely ticklish. It’s possible that toys that aren’t body safe are hard limits as well.

There are plenty of other things I’m just not that into but that I would probably go along with if I was with someone who got off on it. Of course, it’s impossible to really list everything that would be a limit, soft or hard, because who knows what things other people could come up with that I can’t, such as sucking a double headed dildo on a hovercraft.

I would say other hard limits include closed-mindedness, bigotry, and general lack of intelligence or purposeful/voluntary ignorance (not to be confused with unintentional ignorance or unknowing for lack of exposure). I generally eschew those who fit into any of those categories.

30 Days of Kink: Fantasy

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 13, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection, Smut

This is the sixth of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back. Technically I published seven before six but… oh well.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I’m in a fortunate position where just about all of my fantasies are able to come true relatively quickly. I don’t have to wait too long between a fantasy striking me and being able to play it out, assuming it does not require multiple partners or some implement or another which we don’t have. Most of my fantasies, however, revolve around things that we do on a regular basis, because those are what really get me hot, pretty much everything on my kinks list. Onyx and I are remarkably well matched and seem to just be getting more and more so as time goes on. This pleases me.

There are quite a few things I want to try that I haven’t, but for the most part I don’t really fantasize about them I just want to do them. I used to fantasize about being in the type of situation that I’m in now: pretty solid power roles with the ability for switchyness and bratting within it when desired. I can honestly say this time around with Onyx is pretty damn perfect.

To not cop out of the question, though, there are some fantasies that Onyx and I often dirty talk about while fucking. Mostly they revolve around the inclusion of others of any sex/gender. Probably the most common that we talk about is the idea of orchestrating a gang bang for me. We both love the idea of me being used constantly to utter exhaustion by numerous others.

I always have the idea of a single mattress on a concrete floor, chairs set around it in a circle in case the participants get tired, that sort of thing. It’s a bit of a clichéd setting for a gang bang scenario and probably in my mind because when I first read about them they were usually gang rape scenarios (as I’ve mentioned I started reading non-consent erotica before reading bdsm-themed erotica).

Onyx would be there to participate, watch, and direct as needed, making sure my safety was always taken into consideration and that I was alright. I would be used over and over and made to come until I reached a point of exhaustion. I would be slapped and pinched and teased and all manner else that was desired to be done to me and I would love every minute of it.

I can say we are taking steps toward making this happen, but in a slow way, we don’t want to rush into anything with people we don’t know very well, but someday it will happen.

30 Days of Kink: Toys

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 3, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Sex Toy Love

This is the seventh of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

That’s a bit of a loaded question for a sex toy reviewer! Aside from mentoning that my Eroscillator is my absolute favorite clitoral stimulator (though I have other favorite toys in other categories) I’ll stick to kinky toys, otherwise it might just be a list of many toys of various different types, and that wouldn’t fit in as well to this 30 Days of Kink.

I really love multi-tasker toys and using household products for impact play or pinching, or something else. Normal everyday objects that can be re-purposed in devious kinky ways.

I also have a soft spot for canes. I would say that canes are my favorite impact play toy, though floggers come in a close second. I also love paddles and crops, but canes reign supreme. I suppose that shouldn’t be too surprising considering I started Cane A Slut Day. I haven’t really tried a metal one yet, but they look wicked and I would love to, but I have tried rattan, bamboo, and acrylic.

I adore gags, also, specifically open mouth gags. I mentioned this in Q2 – list your kinks because gags really do turn me on. There’s just something about being unable to speak but having the mouth open for use in any way I/my Top sees fit. I love it. Currently my whitehead gag and mini gag (Insex-style spider gag) are my favorites.

I’ve always had a fondness for clothes pins and nipple clamps, anything pinchy, and recently rediscovered that fondness after watching a scene in Rough Sex 2 that included clothes pins and Onyx deciding he needed to try that technique out. Using a cane to hit clothes pins off was an experience my inner masochist loved.

30 Days of Kink: The First Time

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 30, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection, Power Play

This is the fifth of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

My question to this is what defines my first kinky sexual experience? The first time I had kinky cyber sex? Kinky phone sex? Kinky physical sex? Since it’s a sexual experience I think that could even be the first time I read kinky erotica, or the romance novel that included bondage and rough sex in it. Aside from solo kinky sexual experiences I’m sure my first kinky sexual experience was having cyber sex.

I started exploring BDSM in chat rooms long before I had any physical experience with another partner, which was probably good since I was very underage (read: 12 or so) although I always lied about my age and was never suspected of being underage that I know about. I can’t think of the very first time I had kinky cyber sex since it was quite a long time ago, but I do know that I did it a lot. All the time. Every chance that I got. I remember having an online Master and eventually having cybersex turn into phone sex.

The first time I had sex was somewhat kinky, I was 16 (the legal age of consent in Alaska) and it was with someone I met on alt.com. He blindfolded me and I think he tied my hands together, but I’m not sure if that’s true. He made me watch in the mirror as he undressed me. He fucked me (wearing a condom, of course, though I was also on birth control) both in my cunt and ass. It was quite the experience.

The first time I really had good kinky physical sex, though, was with Gil, a boy I had met online who came to visit me while I was living in Ashland. We had known each other online for a while and had been fucking and phonefucking for a little less than that. He bussed down from Canada to Southern Oregon to stay with me in my tiny dorm room for about a week. I had all sorts of toys and he brought a few too and we fucked each other silly that week.

One time in particular stands out, I tied him up and spent nearly an hour just licking and stroking and teasing his cock. He eventually got so frustrated that he actually broke the restraints I had him in so he could actually come. We also did a play rape scenario which was excellent. After him was Onyx, and the rest is already well documented.

30 Days of Kink: Early Hints

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 28, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection, Power Play

This is the fourth of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Question 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

As I mentioned in Question 3 I discovered kink at a very young age. I would say that even before the events I told in Q3 I had already had kinky fantasies, somewhat obviously because I started reading non-consent erotica. I remember playing things like captor and slave and things like that in elementary school and all sorts of games that might have hinted at my enjoyment and desire of power play.

I’ve always had a bit of an outsider complex and thus always felt like I didn’t fit in, I think stemming from being naturally fat and never looking “right” therefore I never tried very hard to fit in and ended up reveling in my difference. While I don’t think this is the reason why I’m kinky or queer or any of the other “out of the norm” identities that I embrace I do think that because of that outsider feeling I found these outsider identities at a relatively young age.

I started exploring my sexuality at a very young age as well, and not because I was molested or abused as a child, in fact my childhood was relatively normal. Maybe because of my exposure to the internet at a relatively young age I discovered sexuality, or maybe just because I had been watching R rated movies since I was fairly young as well, who knows. But my exploring of my sexuality online in chat rooms and such was definitely what ultimately lead me to kink.

So I wouldn’t say I have many “hints” per se, but who knows, maybe there are things I’m forgetting.

30 Days of Kink: Discovery

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 13, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection

This is the third of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I’m sure I’ve talked about this before, but here we go. I discovered kink at a very young age. I’m not exactly sure what age, possibly around eleven or twelve. I used to read romance novels, and those romance novels eventually led me to erotica online, which then led me to non-consent erotica. I’m not sure how I stumbled upon non-consent erotica exactly, though I remember clicking on the category, reading a few stories, and being mesmerized by it.

I also remember having one romance novel specifically, Princess of Thieves by Katherine O’Neal ((the one romance novel I have purposefully kept over the years)), and one of the sex scenes included bondage and quite rough sex. I think this novel was one that introduced me to rough sex in general, not to mention that there are quite a few other romance novels with rough sex in them.

So, I moved from rough sex in romance novels to non-consent erotica online and then I remember reading one non-consent story specifically which had multiple parts. The third part was in the BDSM section rather than the non-consent section (I’m sure you can assume how the storyline changed) and that was my introduction to BDSM. From learning that term and reading more BDSM erotica I learned about all sorts of other things and began my journey of kinky discovery there.

At that point I had already been visiting chat rooms and having cybersex with people and that moved into having kinky cybersex with people and that moved on to finding my first Master and so on and so on until I met Onyx also online five years ago.

As with most sexual things I knew what I enjoyed far before I knew the name for it, and probably without the internet I wouldn’t have been able to find the name for it at such a young age. I wouldn’t have been able or willing to explore all the things I did online if I had been doing them offline, for one I would have had to find someone to do them to me, for another I knew I wasn’t at a point where I could actually do those things and I didn’t want to lose my virginity until I was older. The internet was a wonderful way for me to explore my kinky and sexual nature without risk.

30 Days of Kink: Kinks

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 11, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection, Power Play

This is the second of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 2: List your kinks.

There are probably more than I can actually list, but that depends on what I’m actually being asked here. Do you want a list of things that turn me on? A list of things I enjoy doing? A list of things that I need more often than not? Some combination of the three or something else entirely? Well, here are a lot of the things I really enjoy that rarely fail to turn me on. Unless otherwise noted I love to both give and receive these things. In no particular order, only as they come to me.

Face slapping – a pretty constant yet relatively new addition to my rough sex. I absolutely love it and, when done correctly, it rarely will not make me more excited than I already am.

Breath play – my favorite method is a hand covering my mouth while my nose is pinched shut, allowing for absolutely no air in or out. I also really enjoy a hand around the throat.

Sharps play – mostly this comes in the form of needles, though I love the idea of knife play as well. I have a large play piercing kit and love to use it.

Deep throating/gagging/rough throat sex – I love the feeling of gagging around a cock or watching someone gag around mine, it’s ridiculously hot.

Begging – something I don’t do too often, but every time I have and every time I think about it I get turned on.

Dirty Talk – begging could be a sub-category of this, I suppose. I love being called names and being told “dirty” things. I’ve always been a very aural person and this definitely is a way to push my buttons quickly. I love saying “dirty” things as well, but often have a difficult time with it, just always have, but I also like being prompted to say things or told to say things.

Nipple play/breast torture – usually the rougher the better. Recently I had my breasts caned for the first time and I loved it. Any sort of pinching, flicking, pulling, twisting, etc. turns me on in an instant.

Hair pulling – especially being dragged around by my hair/dragging someone else around (carefully, of course, the neck is fragile) or generally using the hair to control the movement of the head or force it somewhere.

Anal sex – not sure if this is a kink per se, but I definitely love it.

Gags – more than any other type I love open mouth gags like the Whitehead gag or Mini gag. These I don’t get nearly enough of.

Saliva – this one is becoming more and more prevalent, mostly it’s the messy aspect of it, having saliva on my chin or face or being spit on (less so doing that to someone else, though).

Impact play – especially caning. I did start Cane A Slut Day after all. Really any sort of impact play is deliciously yummy to me, though I’m not a big fan of straps and have never tried a single tail.

Restraint – I love being held or pinned down, but also cuffs or rope or any other restraint implement can work just as well.

Bruises/marks – unfortunately I really don’t bruise easily so it’s not often I get to enjoy this kink. We try, oh do we try, but often even after long intense play I’ll barely bruise if at all.

Consensual non-consent – I’ve always been interested in this and have done a few rape play scenes as well as coercion/blackmail roleplays which I put in a similar category. I enjoy struggling and resisting, saying no, trying to get away, being forced and then laughed at for being wet from such rough treatment.

Pain – this one is kind of implied in many of the other ones above, but shouldn’t really be left out of a list of kinks. Of course, this doesn’t mean I get off on all pain of every kind, the intention makes it all different. Pain for enjoyment not pain for hurt, please and thank you.

I’m sure there are more. There are definitely more things that generally turn me on, and scenarios I particularly like and such, but I tried to limit it mostly to activities. It’s possible this post will be edited to include others I feel need to be in the list.

30 Days of Kink: Define Yourself

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 9, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection

This is my first of 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

A lot of this blog has been my way of processing this very question. What does it mean to me and how do I define my kinky self?

For a while I’ve been calling myself a switch. I sometimes refer to myself as a “lifestyle” switch, under the definition of lifestyle as someone to whom kink is an essential part of sexuality. Since February or so Onyx and I have been operating on a mostly Owner/property or Owner/cuntpet relationship without much switching of any kind, but we are both switches and I have Topped him before.

When I first started out in BDSM I called myself a submissive, then I called myself a submissive who Tops on occasion, then I slowly made my way toward switch after much contemplation and deep thought.

As for what parts of BDSM interest me, I would say just about everything. I love restraints and all forms control (B&D), power play (D/s), and pain play (S&m). I have a wide variety of interests and kinks, though that’s the next question on the list so I won’t go into that. I enjoy pretty much everything from both sides, giving and receiving depending on my mood and the person I’m with. I don’t think there’s anything I would dish out that I wouldn’t also take.

I find I don’t miss Topping as much as I thought I might being in a mostly one-dynamic relationship. Now that I’m getting a regular dose of bottoming and submission and lovely lovely masochism I think my kink needs are mostly being satiated. I do miss it on occasion, though, and luckily Onyx doesn’t mind too much when I hit him with various implements or bite him or things like that. He’s not really that much into pain (though there was one point when he was in subspace and I caned him and he loved it) but he doesn’t mind it and he tends to return whatever I give to him, so really it’s a win-win situation.

I have also discovered that casual play is much easier for me as a Top or as a masochistic bottom. I can easily take service or give pain or take pain but submitting to someone takes another level of trust. Of course, this makes sense, but it seems easier for some people than for me. I really want to get to the point where I am able to play casually with friends either simply kink interactions or sexual ones as well.

Equality in Inequality

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 14, 2010

In a Love: Onyx, Discourse, Identity: Submissive

I was sitting at his feet as we watched a show, the most normal of circumstances, my head resting on his thigh and his hand in my hair, and I came to a micro revelation. This isn’t really new, I’ve written about this same thing before and it’s how Onyx and I have operated for quite a while, but I had not really put the pieces together as to why I’m considered a “bad” submissive by some and why I had such trouble accepting some of the submissive tropes I had heard in the past.

I used to have more trouble submitting than I do now. I was told constantly that in order to submit I must think of my Top/Owner/WhatHaveYou as someone better than myself, higher than myself, someone to look up to not just literally. I was told that in order to be a submissive I must think of myself as less than or inferior.

While I will admit there are things which Onyx is better than me at there are just as many things which I am better than him at. We’re pretty fairly balanced as far as skills and intelligence goes, I believe. For a long while I had trouble with this concept because I was trying to fit our equality, or equity, along lines of a differentiated power dynamic.

It was from me sitting at his feet, my hair being stroked as I laid my head upon his thigh and we both watched the screen before us, that I understood this difference. For me it’s never been about being less than someone else that makes me want to submit, it’s about relinquishing control to another and trusting someone else completely enough to do that. Enjoying being treated like Onyx’s pet or prized possession, has nothing to do with being less than him or inferior to him, but is simply the dynamic we choose to enact.

The power dynamic between Onyx and myself comes from a place of equality. We are equals and because we are equals I can choose to be his property, because I have power I can choose to give that power over to him. If I had no power, if I had no choice, then there would be less enjoyment for both of us. It’s never been about inferiority for us, although there is nothing wrong with playing with that dynamic as well, but it’s just not where either of us live.

When I was having trouble submitting, when we were having trouble with our dynamic, I was told to think of him as better than me, to trust that he knows better than I do or that he is more capable than I am so that he could lead me. I had trouble with this. The real issue that was happening was I didn’t trust him and he didn’t trust himself, so we both were sabotaging the dynamic we both wanted but also feared. What I needed to do was trust that he knew what I wanted and needed and would choose what to give me, not to hold him up as greater than myself as I was told.

Although we play with power and pain there is no inequality in our relationship dynamic, which may sound like an oxymoron. I put my trust in him to take care of me and give me what I need and he puts his trust in me that I will take care of him and give him what he needs. We’re each giving and taking in different ways, but we’re both equally valued and appreciated and both getting and giving.

Perhaps equity is a better term for it than equality. Unfortunately equality comes along with all sorts of connotations that are not necessarily all good. Equality does not mean identicality or sameness, although a lot of people seem to think that is true. Equality doesn’t mean abolishing differences but it’s about celebrating sameness and differences. Really the way I use equality is the same as equity, but for the sake of minimizing confusion I think equity makes more sense in this instance.

Obviously by imposing a power dynamic on our relationship we are not equal in some senses of the word, but our contributions to each other and the relationship are equitable. They are valued the same and we are valued the same because of it. We are equals although we do not always interact in ways typically thought of as equal. We play with inequality in our actions because we are equals in every other way.

Wavelengths

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 4, 2010

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Smut

My mother has been visiting for the last little over a week. She’s been staying in the living room of our tiny one bedroom apartment which means Onyx and I really have only had sex once in the last little over a week. I would say this is quite less than usual, though our number and frequency varies from time to time depending on how busy we are etc. Last night especially I was ready to about jump him, however. Today she is heading East to visit family over there. A text message exchange from earlier today:

Onyx: Is your mom heading to PA today?

Me: I believe she is, she hasn’t left quite yet. I would very much like some rough sex when she is gone. ;D

Onyx: I was just thinking about slappin’ you around a bit.

Me: Excellent. I love when we are on the same wavelength! :D

The minute she was gone I went into our bedroom where he was taking a nap and proceeded to wake him up with kisses and a blowjob, or facefucking, whichever you would prefer to call it. That is, I started the action but he quickly took over leading the movements of my head with his hands usually via my hair and including the occasional slap on the cheek. After a bit of this he quickly guided me over and down onto my stomach and pressed my head and chest into the bed, easily sliding into me and pinning me down as he began to fuck me. Needless to say, I was happy.

His hands played with my head a little: he pulled my hair, he slapped my cheeks, he slipped his fingers into either side of my mouth and held my mouth open, he covered my mouth and nose so I couldn’t breathe. All of this while continuing to pound into me as I lay trapped beneath him, as I moaned and tried to thrust back with my hips as best as possible–though that wasn’t too possible. He then took each of my wrists and brought them behind my back, pressing down again to keep me against the bed and fucking me with extra vigor until he came inside of me.

We lay there, both working on catching our breath before rolling over, snuggling, kissing, exchanging “I love you”s. Soon his fingers were on my clit with his other hand in my hair. We kissed and I panted and squealed and moaned my way to four or so most delicious orgasms culminating in the strongest one last. I’ve just about gotten this coming on command thing down, though that’s another post.