Category: Introspection Page 9 of 25

Collars

On November 12, 2010

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Introspection

Five years ago on November 19th Onyx collared me for the first time. We were in my apartment in Ashland, Oregon at the time. He lived in Salt Lake City and was visiting for the weekend.

We had been together long distance for only about five months when Onyx collared me the first time. He’s bought me a few different leather collars over the years, most of them have deteriorated in some way due to 24/7 wear. Currently I wear a heart-shaped necklace that he bought for me for the holidays in 2007 as my collar.

So much has happened since this collar was bought, not to mention since he first collared me, especially with our D/s dynamics, that I have been longing for a new collar. I wanted a permanent collar, one that would stand up to 24/7 wear. I began looking around at collars, not mindful of the anniversary that was coming up. We have been talking about getting me a metal collar with gems for years ((the conversation in that post happened before the November 19th visit in 2005)) and I found a different style than we were looking at all those years ago, but a better style. We finally have it in our possession. It arrived in the mail today.

Since I have to wait to wear it until the 19th you have to wait to see it until the 19th. Though some of you have seen it already (cheaters).

I wanted something sturdy, something he could use to choke me with if he so chooses ((since we do a lot of breath play this does not seem like too much of a request, though will definitely be risky, but we will examine the risks)), and something that could be locked. I got all of those things. It also has onyx and garnet gems inlaid in it, just like we were wanting years ago.

In some ways I feel like we’re finally getting to the place where we wanted to be all those years ago, the relationship we both wanted to have that we just couldn’t get to. I think a lot of that was me, though we both had hangups before. We’re at such a solid place now it’s almost ridiculous.

I’m not sure what he has planned for the (re-)collaring on this November the 19th, though I plan on asking him. It was so accidental ((or at least I was not consciously aware of the collaring anniversary until I looked it up)) that I brought up wanting a new collar in time for us to get it right around our collaring anniversary. I’m looking forward not just to wearing the collar but for all it will represent: the rebirth of our relationship after breaking up last winter and finding each other again; his ownership of me and the different flavor our D/s-O/p has taken; our love and our bond which is now stronger than ever, transmuted from leather to steel.

For as long as I can remember I’ve seen collars as important and binding. As binding as a wedding ring, if not moreso, and far more preferable to me ((I am just not that big on marriage for various reasons)). His is the only collar I’ve ever accepted, and this relationship is the longest I’ve been in. I’m excited to show this renewed commitment to him and our relationship.

Happy Halloween!

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 31, 2010

In Introspection

I’m taking a class on the weekends, including this weekend. They are intense and rather draining, but we still did a bit of Halloween festivities. On Friday night we watched a few horror-themed pornos: The XXXorcist, Re-Penetrator, and Bella Loves Jenna. The first two are parodies (obviously), the third is just horror-like. They were both awesome and kind of disgusting. Lots of vomit in The XXXorcist, for instance, including during blowjobs and when the possessed women ejaculated. Ew. On the plus side they used toys from Divine Interventions! I seriously need to get my hands on some of those.

When I got home last night (Saturday) Onyx and I decided to take it easy rather than going out. We still got dressed up, though, so that we could take pictures and share them with you. We dressed up as vampires. Overdone, maybe, but we were inspired by the massive amount of True Blood we had been watching, and that some things are classics for a reason.

Happy Halloween, blessed samhain, etc. What did you do for Halloween?

Changing a Fundamental Belief

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 26, 2010

In Introspection

I’ve been taking this class. It’s pretty amazing, really. I’m halfway done and at the end of it I will be a Certified Hypnotherapist. One of the wonderful things about it is we get to work on each other in the class, so I’ve been hypnotized more in the last few weeks than I have ever before in my life (in some ways).

Last weekend I was regressed to a time when I was approximately three or four. Let me back up, actually. During the weeks before with all the information that was being thrown at me I came to a realization of a belief I held since I was a child: that what I have to say was not interesting to other people. Further, that people would ignore me. It developed in to a bunch of other beliefs as well. It was the basis of my social anxiety, of my lack of interaction with others in all fields, online including. It’s funny that online social interaction can often be just as nerve-wracking as face-to-face for me.

I don’t want to go into the details of my regression, but I’ve already felt the changes in me. I’ve let go of the fear I once held on to so tightly. I feel amazing. Whether or not this is a permanent change is up to me, and I’m dedicated to letting it be.

I’ve noticed little changes in my behavior, including commenting more on other blogs in the last few days and just generally being more chatty with friends, but I’m really hoping this changes my interactions with other bloggers. I haven’t really cultivated any deep relationships with other bloggers (or other people, for that matter) the way I would like to. I had a fear of interaction so deeply rooted that it held me back. Well, no more.

I’m amazed at the power of the work that I’m learning to do, and excited by it as well. This class has blown my mind many times and I’m only halfway through! I’ve greatly increased spiritual work I’ve been doing in the last six months and am moving closer and closer to a greater understanding of mySelf. Change is amazing.

Coming On Command

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 25, 2010

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Introspection, Power Play

Ever since I got back from Alaska Onyx and I have been playing on a different level. The level we both always wanted to but could never quite get to after I moved. The level we both, I think, crave. We have been a little more set in our roles than before and have been playing more with power.

Control for me is hot, being controlled or controlling another. It’s something I crave. Power play, to me, is a necessary part of sexuality. For a long while Onyx and I have been working on getting me to come on command. Basically what I mean by this is coming when he tells me to, when he allows me to. This is different than simply not coming until/unless he allowed me to, which we have been playing with for quite a while.

We started a long while ago with me simply having to ask for permission to come. I still do ask occasionally, but mostly now he just tells me when to come. It’s been a slow Pavlovian process. He would often draw stimulation out even after I had asked (and still does sometimes), but I would be sure not to come until after he had expressed it, thus instilling in my body’s responses to come when he tells me to.

We’ve gotten to the point that I think I have just about mastered this task. Now I rarely ask, usually he just tells me when to come and I do. It’s not the same kind of orgasm that I have alone, it’s not quite as deep, for lack of a better term. It’s still definitely an orgasm and I find that they are getting more intense as my body gets used to the aural trigger rather than the physical one. Regardless it’s definitely different, but not bad in the least.

I’m actually quite proud of it.

I like that his command can make me come even when my body isn’t quite yet ready to. It creates a response in me that I don’t want to control, it’s too delicious to feel under the control of his commands.

It’s quite exciting, really, not just in a sexual sense, but because this is something we have both been interested in and wanted for quite some time. It’s a symbol of our renewed dedication to each other and the ease with which we are playing with power in our relationship again after the events of last year.

30 Days of Kink: Hard Limits

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 21, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection, Power Play

This is the tenth of my 30 Days of Kink I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Most of my hard limits are pretty boring, I think. I draw the line at children, animals, dead things (including dead animals), scat, vore, rainbow showers, permanent damage, non-consensual abuse, things like that. The biggest slightly unusual hard limit is tickling. I absolutely hate the sensation of being tickled and I’m extremely ticklish. It’s possible that toys that aren’t body safe are hard limits as well.

There are plenty of other things I’m just not that into but that I would probably go along with if I was with someone who got off on it. Of course, it’s impossible to really list everything that would be a limit, soft or hard, because who knows what things other people could come up with that I can’t, such as sucking a double headed dildo on a hovercraft.

I would say other hard limits include closed-mindedness, bigotry, and general lack of intelligence or purposeful/voluntary ignorance (not to be confused with unintentional ignorance or unknowing for lack of exposure). I generally eschew those who fit into any of those categories.

Owning It

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 20, 2010

In Discourse, Gender Galaxy, Introspection

I seem to have gotten past the point of trying to nitpick my identities and settled into a space of simply sitting back and enjoying them. That’s not to say that I’m not still analyzing and overanalyzing my identities at the same time, but I’ve gotten out of the “but what does it all mean?” funk that I seemed to be in for the better part of the last year or more. Instead of being obsessed with being seen by others as whatever given identity I want them to see me as I’ve settled into the realization that it’s not a failure on my part if I’m not seen a certain way.

Gender was a great source of questioning and anxiety last year in particular, before that it was my power/bdsm identity, and it seems as with my switch identity I have settled happily into a fluctuating identity. My genders seem to fluctuate greatly, there are times when I feel extremely compelled to present femme, which has been recently, and other times when femme just doesn’t fit as well and I lean toward the boi and fagette. I’m coming to feel like fagette is my home planet and femme and boi are the two I take frequent jaunts to on my spaceship (see: Gender Galaxy), which kind of makes sense in that fagette feels to me to be more androgynous, something else entirely, and closer to my core genderfluid identity than the presentation of femme or boi.

Overall I’m genderfluid, genderqueer, or any of the other words used to describe a non-fixed-in-the-ever-pervasive-binary and non-fixed-in-general gender. I enjoy playing with all types of gender expression. My gender is play. My gender is drag. While gender is definitely more than the clothes we wear that is a huge identifier and I do tend to dress femme most of the time, mostly because skirts are just damned comfortable (especially when you have long labia and multiple labia piercings). I also find it easier to find plus size feminine clothes that I like than plus size masculine clothes that I like. I have these damned hips to thank for that.

Instead of looking at presentation as a way of limiting myself by being unable to present the multiplicity or fluidity of my being I’m simply letting go of those worries about what others might possibly think of me and contenting myself in the knowledge that no one can have a whole idea of who and what I am because that is constantly in motion and constantly changing. If someone chooses to latch on to the idea of me as a fixed identity that is their problem and not mine.

I can content myself in the knowledge that I can be the inspiration for new and ever changing thought processes in others and in myself simply by being myself and allowing myself to be at every moment. I allow myself to simply embrace my identity at any given moment without the hangup of what I felt the last moment or what I might feel a moment from now. It’s truly freeing and inspiring.

30 Days of Kink: Images

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 14, 2010

In Introspection, Power Play

This is the eighth of my 30 Days of Kink (sick of it yet?) in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Oh, geez. Anyone who knows me knows how difficult of a task just choosing one image to post is. I never want to choose just one if I can have the option of more than one. Now many of my identities make sense, right? Most of my Tumblr is dedicated to this task: posting images I find erotic or interesting. I haven’t really been updating it lately, but there’s a lot there. Similarly Pleasurists is full of images I pulled from various places and ones that I find erotic or stimulating in some way.

Unfortunately I don’t know who this image is by. If you do please let me know!

I definitely have a ballet heel fetish, and ballet shoes for that matter. I just love the look of them. It’s not physical per se. I don’t get wet at the sight of them or want to hump them or things like that. I have a pair of ballet heel mary jane-style shoes that I love and love to wear, but even that isn’t exactly something that gets me off in and of itself. Perhaps it’s the associations I have with them: uncomfortability, difficulty walking/having to crawl, helplessness, that sort of thing. Adding the rope to it makes it just that much hotter. I especially love the way it is wound around the heels.

For your Eyes Only by AnimeSexBomb

I know I’ve mentioned before that I love gags. And I do. I love the helplessness (see a pattern here?) of gags, and I love the look in her eyes in this image and that you can see her handcuffs and collar on as well.

Marks by laurisiren

Again, I’ve mentioned many times before about my love of canes (Cane A Slut Day anyone?). I know which started first, though, my love of canes came after my love of the welts that canes make. I have always loved the look of cane marks! I was tempted to show off my favorite cane mark picture but I use that for the Cane A Slut Day logo and have posted it before. I love the V-shape of the welts in this one, though, and the rope marks around the ankles.

Cleavage Decoration (WW)

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 13, 2010

In Introspection

This week Wanton Wednesday has a theme: cleavage. I figure in order to show my cleavage I also have to show the things I decorate them with daily.

I love necklaces, all types of jewelry really. I am nearly always wearing three necklaces these days. The two that are pictured are spiritual ones: the lower one is a tree of life, the upper one is two pendants on one chain (an Om symbol and a Star of Babalon). The third is a celtic heart with a garnet in the middle which Onyx gave to me quite some time ago and is, essentially, my collar.

On September 23rd I got two new piercings to decorate my cleavage. They are microdermals, basically an L-shaped bar that sits under the skin.

I love this shot too much not to include it, pardon the blurryness

Click to see who else is playing this week…

30 Days of Kink: Fantasy

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 13, 2010

In Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection, Smut

This is the sixth of my 30 Days of Kink in which I will be answering each of the thirty questions in different posts. I thought these would be interesting to answer and (hopefully) interesting for you to read. These will be posted in order, but not always back-to-back. Technically I published seven before six but… oh well.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I’m in a fortunate position where just about all of my fantasies are able to come true relatively quickly. I don’t have to wait too long between a fantasy striking me and being able to play it out, assuming it does not require multiple partners or some implement or another which we don’t have. Most of my fantasies, however, revolve around things that we do on a regular basis, because those are what really get me hot, pretty much everything on my kinks list. Onyx and I are remarkably well matched and seem to just be getting more and more so as time goes on. This pleases me.

There are quite a few things I want to try that I haven’t, but for the most part I don’t really fantasize about them I just want to do them. I used to fantasize about being in the type of situation that I’m in now: pretty solid power roles with the ability for switchyness and bratting within it when desired. I can honestly say this time around with Onyx is pretty damn perfect.

To not cop out of the question, though, there are some fantasies that Onyx and I often dirty talk about while fucking. Mostly they revolve around the inclusion of others of any sex/gender. Probably the most common that we talk about is the idea of orchestrating a gang bang for me. We both love the idea of me being used constantly to utter exhaustion by numerous others.

I always have the idea of a single mattress on a concrete floor, chairs set around it in a circle in case the participants get tired, that sort of thing. It’s a bit of a clichéd setting for a gang bang scenario and probably in my mind because when I first read about them they were usually gang rape scenarios (as I’ve mentioned I started reading non-consent erotica before reading bdsm-themed erotica).

Onyx would be there to participate, watch, and direct as needed, making sure my safety was always taken into consideration and that I was alright. I would be used over and over and made to come until I reached a point of exhaustion. I would be slapped and pinched and teased and all manner else that was desired to be done to me and I would love every minute of it.

I can say we are taking steps toward making this happen, but in a slow way, we don’t want to rush into anything with people we don’t know very well, but someday it will happen.

National Coming Out Day

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 12, 2010

In Equality, Gender Galaxy, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection, Polyamory, Sexuality

Yesterday (October 11th) was National Coming Out Day. If I had been on top of things this post would have come out then, but I’m a little bit behind on just about everything at this moment. I used this day to reflect on my identities. Here are some of my thoughts.

I’ve been out for quite a while. Unless this is your first time here and/or you haven’t read the about page yet you should already know that I have a long string of labels I like to use in order to describe my identities. I am a genderqueer fat femme drag queen fagette and pomo queer intellisexual polyamorous switch. I am also an occultist, sacred whore, astrologer, and all manner of other things. Specifically NCOD refers to coming out of the proverbial closet, or LGBT(QQIA) people coming out, so I focused on my identity string.

I’ve talked about this before, but the main reason why I use so many identity words strung together like I do is so that it is nearly impossible to pigeonhole me into one identity or another. Instead, it forces people to acknowledge the way the identities blend and interchange between them, and how my identities are fluid. At least, that’s my theory.

I don’t really have a story of coming out to my parents. I remember being a teenager telling my mother I was bisexual. Her response? “Oh. I thought you were a lesbian.” And that was it. During the triad with Marla I told both of my parents about her and our relationship configuration and they both responded without judgment, just asked practical questions about the situation.

Coming out, ultimately, is an ongoing process both for me and, really, for everyone. While there are people who fit into the stereotypical way that a certain identity or another looks there are just as many if not more people who are not so easy to categorize with a look. For those of us who are not blatantly obvious we have to come out over and over again, to just about everyone we choose. This is compounded by the fact that I present femme most of the time and have a cisgendered male partner so we are often mistaken for a straight couple even though neither of us is straight.

This isn’t to say I walk up to new people and give them the string of identity words I used above, but it does mean that there are times I have to come out, sometimes coming out multiple times to the same person.

It can be exhausting, but I appreciate the ability to live stealth as well, so I can be privy to those possibly bigoted conversations and attempt to put in my own two cents, and as a result maybe change some minds.

One thing that continues to amaze me is the ability someone has to be an inspiration for others simply by being themselves. By doing what is right and good for you others can be inspired to do the same for themselves, and I love this. Every time you come out is an act of courage. Feel free to come out in the comments.