Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Category: Introspection Page 22 of 25

Assumptions

I wrote the following in response to Sinclair’s post defining identity alignment assumptions, basically “the assumption that one’s identity categories align with what is either a stereotype or a dominant compulsory cultural norm.” I ended up writing more than I thought I would, and I have more to add so I thought I’d just convert it into a post on here.

There are many identity alignment assumptions that I struggle with, including the assumption that I’m straight because I’m with a cis-man, the assumption that I’m straight because my primary gender identity is femme, the assumption that my gender expression is traditionally feminine instead of femme, and the assumption that I’m unhealthy or somehow immoral because I’m fat. I’m sure there are more, of course, if I started really thinking about them, but these are the biggest that have been impacting my life lately, especially the first.

I’ve always embraced my difference, and not being visibly different (even moreso recently since I dyed my hair a normal color) is difficult for me in general. I find myself having a difficult time embracing the queer community in general because even though I’ve never been straight and never will be straight I am perceived as straight by many, including many within the queer community. Most people want others to be monosexual, it seems, it’s easier to quantify people that way.

I know that I have some assumptions I make as well, though I’ve noticed that my assumptions are different depending on my location. In Utah I tend to assume most people are mormons and straight, but elsewhere I don’t actually think about what religion or spiritual affiliation people might have, and I tend to assume more people I come across are queer. I do often link gender and sexuality assumptions together, such as assuming masculine females and feminine males are queer, but I also tend to assume general queerness rather than gay/straight binary assumptions.

Occasionally I will try to spend a day purposefully assuming the world is the inverse of what society tells us, that queers are the majority (or total) population, that assumed gender expression doesn’t actually denote the sex of the person, that everyone is polyamorous, and that people won’t automatically judge me by my size. It’s a refreshing and sometimes humbling exercise, though it’s often shattered quite quickly.

[End of the comment: start of the extra]

I actively work on my own assumptions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have them, though it’s hard for me to pinpoint them. I try to not make the same assumptions about others that I feel others make about me, but I know I do it, like assuming straightness instead of queerness.

These assumptions extend beyond people as well, to places. I find myself making assumptions about Seattle and others make assumptions about Salt Lake City due to the identity associations there. I’ve had people mention being surprised that there is a kink community here, a queer community, pagan and occult communities. People assume that SLC is just a mormon hub that doesn’t have any kind of diversity within it, though they’ve obviously not seen SLC Punk. People are surprised when they find out I live in Salt Lake City, though I don’t wholly blame them because I’m surprised that I live here.

I’m finding myself making the opposite assumptions about Seattle. I know a fair amount about the city itself, and have been reading up on it even more since we decided to move there. I’m excited about the communities there. I assume that it is going to be easier for me to find people I click with there. I assume that because it is more liberal that I won’t feel as shut-in as I do here. I don’t know if these assumptions are in any way correct, however, because I’m not counting on that other factor: me.

Happy Thanksgiving (HNT)

I spent the majority of yesterday thinking about today: what I was going to cook, what kind of booze we’d need, and who was going to be here.

Last year it was me, Onyx, our roommate Katrisa, and her mom which was very fun. The year before that it was the same, minus the mom, and our next door neighbors. Before that it was me and my neighbor (and future roommate) Merrilei. Before that I was with my sister and her friends in Seattle. Hopefully next year we’ll be with new friends in Seattle.

This year was just me and Onyx, as the neighbormates headed to Wyoming to celebrate with Kevin’s family. I made some mighty delicious food that we’ve been eating at all day while watching Queer as Folk and The Maltese Falcon. Now it’s just about time for dessert: apple cobbler.

I whipped up some whipping cream for our cobbler and decided to have some fun with it. I thought it might make a perfect HNT post for you all to see…

 
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Side View Exposition (HNT)


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Since I figured you’ve all seen enough of my face lately…

Seriously, though, the reason why I posted this is because I hate my arms. I showed a flash of tit so that there would be something else to look at too, but the main focus is my upper arm and thigh.

I remember the moment I started hating my arms, I don’t remember exactly how old I was only that I was in high school. I was talking with my dad about buying clothes or something about clothes and he told me that he wouldn’t buy me any tank-tops because I shouldn’t show my arms off because they were fat. My dad said that, he whose body type I emulate and who is heavier than me. I just about died.

I still hear his tone when he said that to me, so nonchalant. I’m sure he didn’t mean to cause harm by it specifically, it was just something he felt the need to inform me of, as if I wasn’t already painfully aware of my fat body. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but he did make me overly self-conscious about my fat upper arms.

The more I think about my dad and all the things he’s said to me over the years in passing, all the little remarks, insisting I should sit in the front when five people are in the car because I’m the largest, little things that I’m sure he doesn’t mean to be hurtful but that are. The more I think about his attitude towards size in general I realize that he’s extremely fatphobic, and a lot of fat people are.

I guess it makes sense, and I shouldn’t be surprised by that realization, but I was the first time I had it. Pretty much everyone has some fatphobia in them, I know I still do, although I actively work against it. So here I am working against my fat arm phobia, by letting you all see it in all it’s large glory.

I blame/thank Bevin for helping me with the courage to post this, though it’s still taken me all day to actually do it. Back on my HNT two weeks ago I mentioned “I have a thing about showing my arms, especially my upper arms, I blame my dad for that, so I had to cover them up with something.” She responded to the post that “unearth[ing] your upper arms” is “crucial to fat activism” and I’ve been thinking a lot about that in the last two weeks, especially with my posting of The Adipositivity Project and looking at all the bold beautiful big sexy women who are uncovered there.

I’m still not where I want to be health-wise, and I still have that inner voice telling me to keep myself covered, but I need to get to a better emotional place before I have the motivation to do all that I want to, and this is a step toward that, so enjoy.

An Oral Confession

I have a confession to make. I may have mentioned this before on here, but I don’t think I have, at least I couldn’t find anything under the oral tag. I’m really not a big fan of receiving oral sex. To some this might sound crazy, though I do know that there are others of us out there who just don’t dig it as much as we’re supposedly supposed to.

Don’t get me wrong, I love having my partner pay attention to my cunt and work it and all of that good stuff, but I’m just not too down with the tongue specifically. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy it when it happens, because I do, it’s just not high on my list of preferences. I much prefer fingers and toys to a tongue, and in thinking about it I think I know why.

I began pondering my oral sex preferences a couple nights ago when Onyx decided to go down on me. This is a very rare occurrence in our sex lives since we’ve had discussions regarding my lack of desire for oral sex, and since I don’t really care for it Onyx doesn’t tend to do it. It was a nice experience that was a bit of a change to our usual interactions, and I did enjoy it quite a bit though I wasn’t expecting it.

My clit has been very sensitive lately, often too sensitive for him to touch at times, which makes him manually getting me off rather difficult. When that happens we usually opt for a toy or for me to rub my own clit, because something about knowing where and how the finger is going to move makes it less of a shock to the sensitive clit, I think.

I was having one of those overly sensitive moments and he decided to bring some tongue action into the mix. Since I was oversensitive I did appreciate the lighter touch of the tongue vs. the fingers, but it made me realize why I don’t particularly like oral: I need pressure in order to get off, specifically pressure on my clit, and it’s hard to get as much pressure as I need from a tongue. This is why I love fingers and why I do often press so hard with vibrators that I get the horrible vibrator claw-hand which makes my hand stiffen.

I really did enjoy having his tongue on my clit, alternating with fingers as well. It felt very good but it’s still not high on my list of sexual desires. Having it every so often so that it’s a different, exciting, and enjoyable experience is just perfect for me.

Now, receiving oral on my cock… that’s a different story.

My Newest Obsession

My wonderful neighbormates (ex-roommates now neighbors = neighbormates in our lexicon) have become obsessed with making this gorgeous piece of jewelry above. It’s Orgonite which is “a compound of inorganic metal suspended in a matrix of organic resin. This, with the addition of a Quartz crystal point, helps to mitigate the harmful effects of certain electrical currents (EMF, ELF, i.e. cell phone, computer, etc.). We also add semi-precious stones both for beauty and because of the beneficial properties of stones.”

Basically, these are handmade pieces of gorgeous art jewelry that also help your reaction to certain negative electrical currents, if you believe that sort of stuff. If you don’t buy into it, then they are simply handmade pieces of gorgeous art jewelry, and either way it’s a win-win.

The piece of orgonite I’m currently wearing around (above) was not made specially for me, though I’m planning on getting many more. The neighbormates realized that putting a claw-hook on the necklace enables them to switch out the orgonite pieces, so I’m sure I will have many more in the future. This piece has red tiger’s eye on the sides, garnet (I believe) in the center beneath the silver coil, and a number of other semi-precious stones that I can’t remember.

I frequently take off my piece of Orgonite just to look at it, it’s that mesmerizing. Katrisa is selling them at the school where she works to the teachers and staff and they all absolutely love them as well. Since they’re all hand-made no two are alike, and they are seriously gorgeous. The picture above just barely does it justice, they’re just that fantastic.

Now, mostly this post is about me sharing, but I also can’t resist telling you where you could get your own. I designed and maintain the website Joy Water for the neighbormates’ sister/best friend (respectively), and so we put some of the orgonite up there as well for them to sell on the website, so you can see more orgonite images on there and even buy one if you wanted.

Socializing and Me

I’ve realized lately just how far the extent of my lack of desire to socialize goes. Of course, it’s highly dependent on my mood, and I’ve been rather down lately, mostly because of lacking a job and the inability to get one, having no one want me basically, which really gets my abandonment and rejection issues to the forefront. When I get in these modes I just want to curl up in bed and forget about the rest of the world, which for me usually includes either a book or the internet or some combination thereof.

Though I haven’t forgotten about the rest of the world exactly, either. We went to the local protest here yesterday, and I was happy to know that there were marches like ours going around all across the nation in every state. I was proud to be a part of it, but I did have to force myself to go, because the idea of being with so many people was a little daunting. Once we were there, though, it was fantastic, and it helped me remember why I need a community, but it also made me remember that I’m not a part of the community here.

I’ve been a highly active member of the queer community since I was in high school, but I’ve been absent from my community for a long time, and even now I’m debating getting into it because I know that we are going to leave soon. I don’t want to make friends with new people at this point because I know that we are going to go to (probably) Seattle in just a few months and I hate leaving friends behind. We’re already leaving behind too many friends when we move, I don’t want to add to that number.

At the same time, I crave friendship, which is part of why I’m online so much, I think, why I write in here so much, because I’m trying to create relationships with you, because they’re at least somewhat sustainable. However, the more I think about it, I’m still very guarded and I don’t reach out as much as I want to. This is common for me, but it’s also not a conscious choice, it’s just something that I do.

After my interview for a Sundance Film Festival box office position on Friday I wanted to call and talk with someone about it, so I called Onyx, who was busy taking a certification test and was unable to answer the phone. I went through the phonebook on my phone and realized that the only other person I was comfortable calling was my mom, and she would be busy at work at that time of day. So I didn’t call anyone.

I hope to expand that list of people I can just call whenever something is upsetting me or bothering me or I just want to talk once we move. I’m sure there are others I could have called, in fact I know there were. I could have called my sister, Kat, a couple friends in California, or a few others, but I rank people in my mind who I can and can’t just talk to and, more specifically, whine to.

I do it here too, I categorize what is and isn’t appropriate by how personal it is. Sex and sexuality is definitely personal, but it’s not the same as exposing my emotions and vulnerability. I can be emotionally detached from my gender and sexuality talk, even though it is very personal, because I can categorize it as an academic discussion rather than anything sensitive.

I have a strange sense of what is or isn’t appropriate to post here, and really I should be able to post just about everything here, and I am able to but I definitely censor myself sometimes, and it may just be time to stop.

This Just In (HNT)


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Here’s this week’s HNT, in just barely under the wire. This would be my “after” image, you can view my HNT of last week as the “before” image. I bought a red “natural” box dye, instead of my usual Blood Red and HI-Octane Orange Special Effects dyes, this natural red dye was named Pomegranate, which I thought was fabulous and fitting as I have a slight obsession with most all things pomegranate.

I expected my hair to turn a medium shade of red, slightly brown but just about 95% red and 15% brown (10% reddish brown, you know, that overlap was purposeful), instead it’s… very brown. There is definitely red in it, of course, but for the most part it’s very brown, much more brown than I expected.

The brown is a shock. It’s very close to my natural color, at least I think it is. I’m not positive as I haven’t had my hair it’s natural color for about nine years. I haven’t really had it any sort of natural color for about nine years. There were brief stints of blonde (for a play) and brown (also for a play), but those lasted no more than three weeks or so before it went back to red, purple, pink, blue, green, black… basically any color but natural. Black is arguably so, which is why I was able to get away with having black hair at my last job.

So why did I dye my hair a “natural” red? I have an interview for Sundance tomorrow. The Sundance Film Festival is held here every year, well, technically it’s held in Park City, Utah not Salt Lake City, Utah, but they have a box office and screenings here. This interview is for a box office monkey position here in SLC (though they don’t call it that). At this point I need a job so badly that I have sacrificed what I have called my closest-to-perfection-as-possible hair color. While one would think Sundance may be cool with unnaturally colored hair, but this is still Utah and I’m just not positive enough to take the chance.

Even though it turned out way more reddish brown than brownish red I actually kind of like it, but I’m still a little in shock over how brown it is, how… natural it is. There’s nothing wrong with it being a natural color, of course, it’s just different. Somehow me having a natural color is strange and almost unnatural because I haven’t had a natural color for a long long time. Though I have a feeling I’m going to have to get a different red to put over it within two weeks or so. I’m not sure this will sit right for long. We’ll see.

Corseted (HNT)


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I was feeling like a change, thinking of cutting my hair, and although it’s not a major change I did part my hair on the side instead of in the middle (shockingly different, I know), but I also did myself up all pretty with makeup, though the eye detail is hard to see because of the glasses, but I’m okay with that.

I haven’t been able to fit into this corset for two years, and I barely got into it now, but I did get into it (with Onyx’s help), which made me feel very good. I was going for a sort of 50s pin-up type look, but that didn’t come across with the shawl, but I have a thing about showing my arms, especially my upper arms, I blame my dad for that, so I had to cover them up with something. I really like purple, gray, and black together, though, so I think it works.

I have nothing great or profound to say, except simply being happy that I can fit into the corset again (kind of), and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to fit into my cherry blossom underbust corset again soon. We can hope! It’s my favorite. I’ve got lots of posts lined up, I just need to write them. In the meantime, enjoy my other favorite pictures from me in this corset that I love and haven’t worn forever.

 

 
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Happy Halloween (HNT)

I’m a little late on my HNT, but here it is! This is me in my Leather Hobble Corset Dress from Alter Ego Erotics, which I absolutely love and am going to wear on Saturday for a play party we’re going to. The skull is simply half of our television decarations in the living room, the other half being the puzzle box from Hellraiser.

Tomorrow night for Halloween itself we are having a horror movie marathon to celebrate. One of the many strange things about Utah is they don’t really do trick or treating, not around here anyway. They do trunk or treating, and they have trick or treating at malls and such, only “safe” locations as to not potentially pick up a razor blade in a piece of candy or something like that, because that’s totally happened.

In other news, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while you may know that Onyx and I have been planning on moving to San Francisco for quite some time. Due to some recent developments, my lack of getting a job and some issues at his work as well, and the possibility of getting my PFD in the next few weeks, we’ve been wondering if all this is the universe’s way of pushing us toward moving sooner rather than later. Well, we’ll see, but for now it looks like Seattle will just be easier in general to move to and easier to get a job in, so that’s where our sights are set.

More interesting and sexy post tomorrow (though the picture’s pretty sexy, just not so much the text).

Flesh is the Law

Just because I feel like sharing, and I’m still hyped up from the show…

In honor of the band we went to see tonight, The Genitorturers, I present to you one of my two favorite songs of theirs (the one they didn’t play at the concert–the other favorite is Sin City). After the concert we got a poster (which I put up right when we got home) and their newest DVD. ALSO, Gen (the lead singer) signed and kissed my boob! It was fabulous! The entire show was wonderful, and it was great to meet some new people and see others in a different setting than we’re used to.

Without further ado…

And, since I’m proud of it, here’s the signature she left on my boob, she kissed right below it too, it was hot! It kind of makes me want to get it tattooed, not because I’m really into her/them per se, but because it looks awesome and it’s the first time I’ve had my boob signed before! (It’s kind of like getting a second HNT pic this week)

Tomorrow we shall return you to our regularly scheduled postings.

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