Category: Introspection Page 20 of 25
Me in my “Sex nerds KNOW how to do it” shirt by Audacia Ray
I have wanted this shirt forever and a half, and I finally ordered it for myself not too long ago (though a while ago, but getting it was delayed due to holidays and moving and such) and I just got it today! I thought it would make a perfect HNT picture, so here it is.
Since my other posts recently have been super long, I’m keeping this one short. Enjoy!
Another of those play piercing pictures. I posted this earlier on my 365 Scarlet Portraits blog, today was my catch-up day when I posted nine pictures of me (three of which were posted on here already). I think this picture is possibly my favorite of all the ones on the 365 blog.
I pierced myself in these (as per usual, Onyx doesn’t feel ready to pierce me yet, and I don’t blame him), and it was kind of difficult to pierce the left (my left) side because I pierced from the opposite side than I’ve gotten used to, and since I can’t really just go to the other side on myself it was a little awkward, and they ended up hurting a little more.
Also I had a difficult time coming back out on them, which is why they actually pass under my skin longer than the others (if that makes sense).
I really enjoy the way these look. I love my cleavage in them, but more than that I love the way my tattoos peek out and the way the shirt looks (more on that in a minute), as well as the way the needles look, of course.
I chose the two sizes for a reason (pink: 25g 1in, gray: 22g 1 1/2in), mostly because I thought they would look nice together. I started with the gray and added the pink when I wanted a second needle, mostly because I didn’t want blue (23g) or any of the other colors I had. Pink went best with the shirt.
Now the shirt. It’s not actually finished yet, or in the picture, but I made it. Yes, I crocheted it (hence the ‘hooks’ part of the title, we crocheters are hookers, you know). It’s missing the sleeves and some of the bottom (needs to go about three inches further down my torso).
I need to get more yarn for it so I can complete it, but for the time being it is sitting patiently in my crochet bag. Once it’s finished I’m sure to post a picture of it, maybe here, but definitely there.
You can also see my (what I have called Orgonite and will hereafter refer to as) prana forger, which is the pendant about my neck. As well as my Star of Babalon necklace, which is actually Onyx’s, but I took it from him long ago and he has said it looks better on me. Maybe that makes it mine now.
A few quick thoughts tonight. I feel like I have so much to write about and so much to do lately that I’m not really getting anything done, which irritates me. More posts to come!
I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote lately, from PoMoSexuals “Identity Sedition and Pornography” by Pat Califia p. 88 emphasis mine:
Just to set the record straight: I am a female-bodied person who writes about every kind of person I can imagine. Although I briefly contemplated sex reassignment when I was much younger, I decided that would not resolve my gender conflicts. I’m never sure if I have a gender dysphoria or species dysphoria. I often try to explain that I’m really a starfish trapped in a human body and I’m very new to your planet. Or that in fact I am a woman trapped in a man’s body, which really confuses other people but makes sense to me.
It’s fitting where I feel I fit, where I’ve felt for a while. The drag queen masculine femininity that I cling to, the femme fagette in me that is starting to come out even more. I’ve found a better way to express it lately I think, which is making me indescribably joyful, and I’m discovering more about it too, which makes me even more happy.
Onyx and I went into Babeland tonight and looked around. I pointed out toys I wanted, toys that are (hopefully) coming to me soon, and things like that. I had my first encounter with Mr. Bendy while looking at dildos and soft packs and he’s seriously lustable! I kind of (very much) want one, great for packing and playing, which I like.
I’m toying with the idea of packing more often, but as I primarily wear skirts and dresses I would need a soft pack or a cock like Mr. Bendy that will stay bent.
The other thoughts rolling around my brain is that Femmeinist Fucktoy isn’t resonating with me as much as it used to. It went down when I discovered my switchness however long ago, as fucktoy is a very bottom-centric term, and it’s gone down again now that fagette is a larger part of my identity as well.
I also don’t talk as much about feminist-oriented things as I thought I would when I started this blog. Granted, I do believe that talking about gender and sexuality is a feminist act, but that’s not quite the same as being a feminist blog.
My point in bringing this up is that I’m pondering changing the name, and therefore also the URL of the blog. It’s easyish to transition to another URL and name, but what I’m thinking of changing it to is Femme Fagette.
In talking with Onyx about this he mentioned that naming the blog after an identity might not be the best thing to do, as my identities tend to fluctuate rapidly. While I agree with that I feel like this identity will stay around for a while, but I don’t really know that for sure. Thoughts?
I feel like I’m discovering a part of myself I buried away, and mostly just because of a different environment. When just about everything around me is changing I feel the most at home. I thrive on change, as I am always in a constant state of change.
I dressed up last night with my hair in a fauxhawk, in lipstick, a bettie page shirt, and purple pants. To that I added a thick purple feather boa (pic above), and I felt come into myself. My newly cut hair makes me smile when I look at my face. I look like me again.
I was trying to be someone else for a while, someone I thought I wanted to be, or someone I thought Onyx wanted, or someone I thought could be, I’m not sure. I look at pictures of me with long hair and I don’t look right. I look like someone else.
Hair cuts can do that. They have power like that. They can change the way a person looks completely, be subtle or drastic, help mold a new identity. I look in the mirror and I wonder how I tried to be anything else.
This isn’t really a new identity. It’s one I’ve been talking about and theorizing for a while, but I needed a change of location to find it, a change of scenery. I’m still everything I’ve ever been and everything I will be, I just look a little different.
I’m finding the perfect way to meld my sway and shimmy with my swagger, and it’s fun.
I’m in such constant change that this doesn’t feel like change, just discovery. By which I mean, I don’t ever feel like I as a whole changes or my core changes, that always stays the same, but everything else changes, which is lots.
I’ve been waiting for something to kick-start me into discovering these new changes. Seattle is just that.
I felt so stagnant and helpless before we moved, and like I couldn’t affect anything since I had no control over when we moved. Ultimately it was Onyx who decided we should move and made it happen, even though I had been telling him we didn’t have to wait and could do it if we decided to. I’d been saying that for months, and it took him realizing that to make it happen.
Now I’m realizing the possibilities of this city. The possibility of being able to embrace a the side of myself I have been rejecting is overwhelming. I’ve already started introducing myself as Scarlet instead of my given name and I love it.
I can be me here, and that’s what’s most exciting.
I feel especially blessed that I have a partner who is willing and eager to share it with me. Someone who is supportive and excited to watch as I discover and change and progress and who finds me sexy and attractive regardless.
Yes, yes, it’s not Thursday anymore, but, I don’t subscribe to your limiting ideas of the days it’s acceptable to post a Half Nekkid Thursday post, so I’m posting mine on Friday! Plus, I’ve been moving and I wasn’t really online much at all yesterday, so cut me some slack!
Okay, well, now that that’s out of the way… I’m not sure what possessed me, maybe it’s just being in a new city and thirsting for change of any type that I can get my hands on, or maybe it’s just time that I let my long hair go, I’m not sure, but I cut my hair the other day.
I’ve been changing it a lot lately, as you may or may not have noticed. Not too long ago it was bright red and past my shoulders, and when I wasn’t finding any jobs in SLC I decided to get it to a slightly more normal color.
Shortly after that I decided to cut it to a little above my chin, which is where it remained until Tuesday night when I cut it myself, and then Wednesday I had it professionally trimmed/styled.
It’s been shorter than this before (amusingly enough that picture was also taken in Seattle). I’ve shaved my head before as well, and I used kept it about this length, or anywhere from one to three inches, for many years. A few years ago I decided to start growing it out, and watched it fall to chin-length, shoulder-length, and, finally, past my shoulders.
Maybe it’s something about the Pacific Northwest that makes me want short hair, I don’t know, but something made me desire short hair, and specifically to be able to do my hair up into a fauxhawk.
I wanted a cut that I could have look femme if I chose or put up in a fauxhawk or otherwise spike or slick to be boi-ish or fagette-ish. So that’s what I did. I decided that fauxhawk + lipstick = fagette (though that’s one of infinite combinations, of course).
Fagette
If you follow me on twitter you already know this, but, I have officially moved to Seattle.
The last couple weeks have been crazyinsane trying to get everything together for moving and such. It’s been wonderful, but busy busy busy. Exciting but stressful. But more than worth it.
The apartment we have is about four blocks from Babeland Seattle, which was accidental but wonderful! We are going to an event there on the 31st, a rope bondage class taught by Midori! I’m pretty excited about it.
We got here Saturday afternoon, after driving most of the day Friday and the morning of Saturday. We had food, unpacked, and then said goodbye to our neighbormates who drove with us up here. We wanted them to stay the night, but they wanted to get over the pass before nightfall. We’re comforted by the fact that they will come back, and then we’ll know where to take them.
We’ve mostly been exploring our new neighborhood for the last couple days, getting acquainted and used to the area. We are basically right in the middle of everything! Right in between downtown and capitol hill, a very perfect location.
There are so many other things to say, but I need to get some sleep so I can wake up early to watch Obama’s inauguration!!!
Remember my XXXmas Wishlist? Well, if you follow me on twitter than you already know this, but I got the Advanced Play Piercing Kit that I was wanting from that list, and I haven’t been able to stop piercing myself since!
This was actually my first multi-needle piercing in myself. I attempted to do two once before this, which is what the big bruise next to the piercings is from. I was doing one on each thigh, and the second one I put in I think I either went too deep or just hit a vein or something so it bled a lot and bruised like mad (as you can see). The bruise is still there, a week later, and still very noticeable. It’ll take a while to go away.
I absolutely adore my kit, I’m sure I’ll review it some time this month. I went and got purple nitrile gloves to use with it, too, as the gloves that were supposed to come with it were left out accidentally. We’re getting them, but I wanted gloves immediately, of course, and purple nitrile gloves are just awesome, and purple (obviously), so I really dig them. I’m not allergic to latex, but I’ve had a reaction to it before so I don’t want to develop one and avoid latex whenever possible.
It took me a while to get to the point where I could pierce myself, but once I did it was easy. I now have even more of a desire to become a piercer, as I know how easy it is and how much I enjoy doing it. This may be something I explore in Seattle. I know that professional piercing and play piercing aren’t identical, but they are very similar, of course.
I’ve pierced Onyx a few times, too, which has been fun. I’m not sure if he enjoyed it or if he was just doing it for me, but he was the one who suggested it, I think because he knew I wanted to, he’s very accommodating like that.
So there’s my HNT, a little late, but only because I couldn’t find my card reader yesterday, so I’m posting it a day late. I think play piercings are pretty. How ’bout you?
Number 184 from The Adipositivity Project
Since we have dismissed the Dominus/submissive power structure from our relationship I have been thinking a lot about what worked and what didn’t with us in those roles and what I want in general. While I enjoy where we are now, and think that is what works best for our relationship, I still find myself wanting more.
I have been feeling more submissive lately in general, but not with Onyx. I have the desire to submit still in me, and while Onyx and I do play along those lines it’s not the same as what I want.
We’ve come to realize and embrace the fact that he and I desire play on different levels. We switch along a Top/bottom level, as he’s a bedroom-only player, yet I desire BDSM along a Dom/sub level or even an Owner/slave level much of the time.
At the beginning of our relationship I was trying to make him fit into the mold I wanted, what I desired, and it never worked because that’s just not part of him. He convinced himself that was what he wanted as well, but we now both know that it won’t work. We’ve accepted that now, and it’s made our relationship better because of it.
I enjoy the feeling of comfort that embracing our switchy natures has brought to the relationship. We’ve always been rather perfect for each other in every other aspect, just never quite fit right D/s wise, which was part of why I started this blog, to talk about our relationship and other relationships I/we might have. Now we fit remarkably well, but I’m still missing something.
I desire to own and to be owned. I need that. D/s are not roles for me, they are me, they are my life. I’m a 24/7 switch, which is contrary to the usual idea of 24/7, but for me it works. It’s not something I slip into and out of, it’s something I want and am all the time, something I shape my life around, but because I fit into different roles it’s difficult to explain.
Lucky for me, both Onyx and I are poly, so there is no need for us to disband our relationship for me to get what I need. We’ve talked about the possibility of me having another partner, and of bringing someone in to our relationship, both of which I am all for, and we are finally at our most comfortable, not trying to be something that we’re not, so now I’m comfortable to look for another or others.
I’m still very much the cuntpet that I defined oh so long ago, the definition that was the catalyst for this blog. I’m very much the Domina that I’ve found myself to be, and now that Onyx and I have found our perfect situation as Top/bottom switches it’s time for me to find others I can explore my cuntpet and Domina sides with.
My perfect situation would be a foursome for me, with or without the others interacting I’m not positive. Switching with Onyx, a Domina to serve, and a sub/slave to serve me, that would be my perfect combination, plus social play partners and such as well. The best of all worlds. Though I’m open to whoever may come along that fits with me, but that is my current ideal (which is, as always, subject to change).
There is quite an extensive scene up in Seattle, and I intend to dive into it headfirst and not bother looking back. I’m finally at the place where socialization is necessary and desired, and Seattle will be a much better place to do so than Salt Lake has been. I’ve already been looking around at the community there, as well as events and such, and I’m more than ready to get out of this state and live somewhere comfortable. T-minus eight days.