Category: Love & Relationships Page 7 of 17

Desire for One

On August 21, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

I have abandonment issues. Though, really, doesn’t everyone to one extent or another? I think this is one of the biggest issues with poly for me, specifically moving from a V type relationship to a triad, I’m worried that my partners will find something they like in each other better than they like in me and cast me aside. I think this is a pretty common fear, and why a lot of triads don’t work out so well, though there are a lot of other factors as well of course, but this is a big one.

I know this is a fear both my partners have as well. For Onyx I’ve always maintained the fact that I’m more attracted and connect more with women than I do with men and so when Marla came in to the picture he was worried that this was just a way for me to leave him. When she moved here and things didn’t work out the way we all thought they would (and, sidenote, if you haven’t read his post on the subject I highly suggest doing so. I’ll be here when you get back, promise. No, really, go. I’ll wait. … Okay. Anyway.) that was triggered in him even more, because his relationship with me suffered greatly from that as well.

From things Marla has said to me I know she worries about this as well, especially being the one coming into the existing relationship she’s mentioned worrying that we will decide she’s not worth it, or that we don’t want her, or that she’s too much work and Onyx and I would rather be alone. I don’t and never have forseen any of these things happening, but that doesn’t mean the fear and insecurity isn’t there.

The thing I’ve come to, however, after these six or so weeks since Marla moved in with us, is that while there are ups and downs in the frequency of having sex being intimate with one of my partners just makes me want to be intimate with the other, it fills me with desire rather than taking away from the desire I have for the other. Call it greedyness, perhaps, or indecisiveness, or maybe just the way my poly brain works, but it’s true.

Despite having been with Onyx for much longer the two of them are linked in my head, and even though we three haven’t had sex together in a while that idea is still in my head as well, of course, and I look forward to the day we are all able to do that again. I even look forward to the day that they desire to be sexual with each other with or without me, knowing that my partners are happy together is going to be amazing. I’m sure I will still feel a twinge of uneasyness, but at the very least I’m anticipating my compersion.

I find it immensely interesting that my desire for one is linked with desire for the other. I don’t feel like they are not separate entities that I must divide my love between, but rather each enhances my love for the other, that they compliment each other rather than taking away.

I’m excited to reach this stage, even, and hope they will eventually be able to find the same thing in each other and me.

Let's Talk About Sex

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 8, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection, Polyamory

Let's have a frank discussion about our favorite sexual positions

When did sex become such a big deal? I mean, don’t get me wrong, my spirituality is heavily tied in with sex and sexuality, and in many ways it is a big deal, but at the same time who cares. Sex is fun and I, personally, like my sex to have laughter and a feeling of casual exploartion and passion. I want it to be free to be what it is, be it led by one person or another taking on a Top role, or just a casual fun exciting time had by all, but it feels like sex has become much more than that.

I want sex to be people having fun and exploring each other’s bodies (exploring regardless of how many other times the people involved have the bumps and nooks and crannys of the others ingrained in to their memory). There should be something new every time, even if the routine or props or positions are similar, because every time is a new time to be intimate and explore. I want sex to be fun.

Lately I feel like sex has so many other connotations. Onyx and Marla aren’t really sexual with each other separately, we three have been sexual together and I have been sexual with each of them, and there are so many implications that sex with one or both of them has to the relationship at large. I know it’s necessary to a point, of course, because sex does have implications and connotations but at the same time I just want sex to be sex.

Onyx and I have been having sex for four years, nearly five if you count cyber and phone sex, and yet in the past few months our sex has changed rather dramatically, though not in a bad way. Our sex and, for that matter, our sexual and relational dynamic has always been fluid and subject to change.

I felt guilty for being able to have sex with him and not being able to have sex with Marla when she was still 3000 miles away, and since she’s been here I’ve wavered back and forth over actually wanting to have sex with Onyx, mostly because of an incident we had after she moved which I haven’t written about. I should clarify, never have I not wanted to have sex with him, but there have been times I’ve been indifferent as my NRE with Marla was coursing strong and I was rather obsessed with her.

Lately, the last week or so, I’ve been feeling the NRE slowly melting into just plain ol’ relationship energy as Marla and I get used to being around each other and living with each other. That’s not to say the passion and desire isn’t still there, but it’s not as much of a driving need as it was, although we do still need and want and crave each other, but in a more realistic way I feel. It’s difficult to explain.

Marla and I have always had great sex, it’s at times incredibly hot and at other times incredibly goofy, and it has been like that since the first time we fucked. We feel free and comfortable with each other and we both seem to know certain buttons to push on the other as well to turn them on quickly.

With the three of us sex has been complicated, for Marla and myself especially I think as we both have more possessive tendencies than Onyx does, and seeing the other with him has frequently been difficult. I haven’t had to deal with Marla and Onyx having sex without me yet, and I’m both terrified and excited for when it actually does happen, as I think it will change a lot of things and enhance their relationship as well as the triad but at the same time I’m worried about how I will react to it. I have not yet mastered the art of compersion as they haven’t interacted enough to give me practice at it.

I think some of the complications could be taken from it if we can get back to thinking of sex as casual and taking away the potential negative connotations to it, though that’s much easier said than done of course and I’m not really sure how to do that. I want to put the fun and the goofy back in sex with all three of us, and to get to a place where we can all be comfortable and happy. I am confident this will be able to happen, right now it’s a question of when.

Four Years

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 7, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Introspection

It's remarkable how long we've tolerated each other

July 28th was the fourth anniversary of the day Onyx and I met face-to-face. On that day we had known each other online for eight or so months and were supposed to have met the week before but he had issues with his standby flight. I remember waiting anxiously for his taxi to reach my apartment.

This year we didn’t do anything for it in particular, but it was worthy to note and marvel at. We have been taking stock of our relationship lately, and it is bizarre to think that it has been so long but also so short of a time. In some ways we have come full circle, in others we are worlds away from where we were when we first got together.

August 26th will be the three year anniversary of the day I moved in with him, the day I moved quite a few hundred miles from my familiar southern Oregon life to the repressive Salt Lake City. SLC wasn’t all bad, we were able to find happiness with each other in an environment which wasn’t conductive to either of us being happy.

We had our share of issues, and still do, although I wonder if I have been playing them up more lately in preparation for the possibility of losing him. This triad isn’t going the way any of us suspected and it’s difficult all around. We all are trying to figure out what to do without really knowing what will work.

Looking back over the years we both have changed immensely. We have grown together and separately, we’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t, we still have desire for each other even if the initial passion we had for each other is long gone.

Four years is a long time for some, short for others, but it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, my second-longest clocking in closer to four months. It’s been a learning experience, and while there are a lot of changes going on and a lot of things are up in the air, in thinking over everything I know I hope to have at least four more years and hopefully as many as I can get.

Growing Pains

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 26, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

There has been so much going on the last two weeks since she got here, so much more than I could ever write about. There have been amazing moments of pleasure and passion and there have been break downs and problems and tears. We are all working on adjusting to this new situation which snuck up on us so fast we weren’t prepared.

Marla and I are better than ever. We’re getting used to each others’ quirks and issues, getting used to living together, wanting to spend every moment together.

Onyx and I, however, are having more issues, or a lot of our past issues are being brought to light now that Marla is living with us. I didn’t think I was heading in to that well-known poly “relationship broken, add more people” issue, but it turns out that’s the case.

I thought that Onyx and I were at a good place, and that Marla found us while we were in that state, but my relationship with Marla has really made me realize some things about my relationship with Onyx. It’s funny how that can happen.

Luckily for us, at least, we are realizing where we have issues and we are slowly but surely getting an idea of what to work on. It’s going to be an interesting road ahead or some other cliche, but it will be worth it.

There are just so many things for us all to adjust to in our new configuration and we are still figuring out how we all fit together. Marla and Onyx aren’t as connected or intimate as Marla needs to be able to be sexually intimate with Onyx and so that has been an unforeseen challenge to figure out in addition to the general shock of the move and general upheaval of all of our lives. We are all slowly working through it together, however, and we are developing sexual and emotional intimacy with each other as a triad, but it takes time.

Onyx has been working on opening up more, we all have really, and that has been a shock to me and something I’ve been working on getting used to. He’s going through a major transformation right now I think too and is working on figuring everything out in general, in many ways Marla is doing the exact same thing.

Marla’s change is maybe a bit more obvious as her entire life is overturned by moving so far away from everything she knows. She has so much to deal with, and I’m trying to help in any way possible while also working on my relationship with Onyx and figuring things out for myself.

It’s not always been easy, in fact it’s rarely been easy, but we’re taking it one step at a time and things are getting better and better. No one said poly was easy, in fact quite the opposite. However I’m constantly contented with where we all are at because I know it’s going to get to a place that works for all of us one day, and the key is that we are all willing to talk about it, talk with each other, figure things out, and we are all committed to being together.

Butch/Femme (HNT)

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 16, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Gender Galaxy, Introspection

This week’s HNT was Marla’s idea. We’ve been doing a lot of gender play since she got here in many different forms, and that combined with my newly cut hair, walking through this park a couple days ago and wanting to take pictures in front of the waterfalls, and the dress she’s wearing (which I was wearing yesterday) all gave her the idea for these shots.

I set up and took the pictures with my tripod and little camera remote (so handy!).

We got a little naughty in the park, it’s rare I’m on the other side of the skirt and I took full advantage of the fact she wasn’t wearing panties. Luckily there weren’t too many people around. You can see a hint of that in a couple of the pictures below.

Click any picture for a larger version of the same.

First a little of me…

One of her…

Then a little of us…

Check out Marla’s HNT for some of the same and some different photos!

Where the Kisses are Hers and Hers and His

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 16, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection, Polyamory

It’s always funny how life gets in the way of blogging about life. I have had a dramatic decline in posting since meeting Marla, which is understandable because everything has been going so intense and so fast and I have just had less time to do things like post. I miss it, though. Having weeks where the only things I post are Pleasurists’ and HNT’s kind of makes me sad. While I love doing Pleasurists and posting HNT’s I am definitely itching to post.

Marla moved here on July 5th and it’s been rather crazy and amazing ever since. This is the first time she’s moved far away from her family and has never not been able to see her mother and the rest of her family on a semi-daily basis, that in itself has been difficult. In addition she also had to had emergency surgery only a few days before moving, which has also added to the stress.

The connection between Marla and me is amazing. I can’t really describe how wonderful it is. I’m constantly floating with NRE, and the strong desire and love we have for each other is a big part of the reason why she moved here so quickly.

While Marla and Onyx love each other they hadn’t had nearly as much time to build a relationship with each other than Marla and I had, which has been the largest issue since Marla arrived. It’s been hard on all of us, but the combination of stresses and not knowing how she and Onyx are going to relate has been extremely difficult on Marla. Being in the middle of it all has made me, the one who wants to fix everything immediately, often extremely frustrated as there isn’t a lot I can do to help.

We hit a breaking point a few days ago and we all spent some time apart collecting our thoughts and overanalyzing as we always do. Luckily since then things have been wonderful and the two of them have been closer as well.

Since Marla and I are both not working we have quite a bit of time together on the days Onyx is not working, which is very nice for all that NRE business to get semi out of our systems (for lack of a better term) before he comes home so we can all focus on being together. It’s really quite an odd situation, but we are doing our bests to make it work. The most amazing thing is that despite all the downs we all have amazing ups and even when we were at our lowest we all wanted to be together.

It’s quite a crazy ride, but we’re all getting closer every day, and I really do think that once we all get through this transition period and get past the extremely fast changes that are happening we will all be happy and solid together. We are all willing to put in the work and we all know it’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it.

Dirty Boi/Balcony (HNT)

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 10, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection

Though it’s technically no longer Thursday I’m all about posting dirty pictures for HNT but late or whatever. I don’t usually “participate” as far as posting on the weekly HNT round-up thing but I like any excuse to post pictures. Mostly I participate in HNT whenever I have the inspiration to do so.

Last week Carnivalesq asked me to help her choose what pictures to use for her HNT, one of which was a packing picture. Being of the loving-to-pack persuasion as well I suggested that this week she, Marla, and I should all post packing pictures, and even though I’m a day late (and Marla will be too) we definitely wanted to participate!

Carnivalesq’s HNT (password protected) and Marla’s HNT!

These first couple are from a few weeks ago, taken specifically for my Daddy.

While we were out on our balcony taking Marla’s HNT we decided to take a few pictures while both of us were packing and stroking each other’s cocks.

Sickeningly Sweet (HNT)

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 2, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

These were taken less than an hour before we all went to the airport last time she was here. A lot has happened since.

I think her latest post sums up quite a lot, and captures the excitement and fear we all are feeling for different reasons on her moving here. She will be here on Saturday the 4th indefinitely.

She is making a wonderful sacrifice for us, leaving her family, friends, and life behind to come up here to Seattle to be with us, to start a new life. It’s not going to be easy, and we’re all apprehensive about what lies ahead while also being extremely excited to be together.

I love them both so amazingly much. Every day brings her closer to us, and every day brings us all closer together in one way or another. We are all realizing past mistakes and committed to correcting them. We are dedicated and committed to each other, and that will get us farther than many.

The thing I’ve heard most from people when telling them about our relationship dynamic is that triads aren’t easy. This is undoubtedly true, though no relationship worth having is going to be easy. Throw in the fact that one partner has been thousands of miles away for the last six months and that just makes it that much more complicated. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s definitely been worth it.

As we creep closer to that wonderful moment when we will all be together again my excitement builds far faster than my fear. I know everything will work out, we’ve been through so much already that we know how committed we all are to the other. Living together will create new unique challenges and issues to work through but we will get through them together and be stronger because of it.

Polyamorous to Polyfidelitous

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On June 25, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Discourse, Introspection, Polyamory

If there were a Venn-diagram for non-monogamous relationships it would probably start as a big circle for non-monogamy. Inside that would be polyamory and inside that would be polyfidelity. Each of these circles would be blurry or maybe dotted lines instead of hard ones. Each circle would overlap with multiple other relationship configurations and various other types of relationship orientations and… well, maybe a Venn-diagram isn’t the most helpful illustration.

When defining a term that has to do with relationships or personal identities in any manner there is always some level of fluidity and openness to take into account. You may know this already, but I’m starting with the basics.

In the book Opening Up Tristan Taormino defines polyfidelity as “a multipartner group of three or more people who have made a commitment to each other to be in a primary relationship.” This can be different or exactly the same as polyamory simply depending on the identification of those within the group. There are no hard and fast lines here, and the terms really just depend on what the people within the relationship are most comfortable with.

Despite the “fidelity” part of the term, which makes most people think of having closed sexual conduct polyfidelity does not always exclude other relationships outside of the polyfidelitous group. Fidelity essentially means “faithful” and doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with sexual faithfulness (though it can). Taormino describes two types of polyfidelitous groups: closed and open, meaning closed or open to new relationships outside of the primary. Not all members of a polyfidelitous group have to be sexually involved, either.

While I dislike the terms “primary” and “secondary” or so on and I think maybe a better way to describe it is that everyone in a polyfidelitous relationship is committed to everyone else. Even if there isn’t a sexual or romantic relationship between the individuals there is always an emotional one and a commitment to being with the other in some way shape or form.

As I mentioned, this could look identical to polyamory or it could look completely different, it just depends on how the individuals want to identify.

So, why am I writing all this about polyfidelity? I will probably be using it in the future and now I can reference this post whenever I mention it.

I posted a while ago about our transition from mono to poly to triad and Not long after that I brought this difference up to Marla and Onyx and we all agreed that the definition for polyfidelitous fit our relationship.

Generally speaking the term triad is used to describe a polyfidelitous relationship between three people, so we had already kind of figured that out but at the same time I’m a sucker for semantics and finding new terms and labels to describe myself so that I can add them on to the long list of labels I already embrace to make such a long string of labels I eventually essentially become label-less again, though that’s another post.

Another term Taormino mentions in Opening Up is “trilationship” which is fairly self-explanatory I think. I pronounce it similar to tree-lationship so it sounds similar to relationship only different–also because pronouncing it try-lationship is kind of awkward. This is another term I will be using in the future.

Crazy Love

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On June 23, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

I have all these drafts started and so many things I want to write about but it’s funny how things are more difficult to write about when they are going good. While we three have had our ups and downs as of late I’ve been able to process my thoughts and express them to both Marla and Onyx and I usually use this blog for that so the frustration or confusion that usually fuels my blog posts is gone replaced by just a contented happiness, excitement, and knowledge that everything is going to work.

There are plenty of fears, insecurities, and worries to go around, don’t get me wrong, but at the same time I have confidence that we are making the right decisions, growing together, and growing closer as a triad.

If you don’t follow me on twitter you might not know that Marla is moving here. She is moving to Seattle to be with us and share our physical lives and our apartment as she already shares our daily lives and our love. She will be here early July 5th just past midnight (the night of July 4th). Obviously we’ve been talking about her moving here for a while although it definitely seems very sudden but that’s not really a bad thing. Due to her current living situation it’s just best for all involved if she get up here as quickly as possible, which is an ideal situation for me as well because that means she will be here really damn soon!

It’s amazing and wonderful and in so many ways I just can’t believe that it’s really happening, but it is! I’m sure it will feel surreal until a week or two after she’s here and we all realize that she’s not actually going anywhere.

Stay tuned for steamy sex stories and general trilationship and poly musings once I can get to finishing them, but in the meantime I’m leaving you with a song that has been stuck in my head for a few days. It’s monogamy-centric but I think it fits both of my loves, you just have to change “she” to “they” or something like that.

Song starts at 0:19

I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles
And the heavens open every time she smiles
And when I come to her that’s where I belong
Yet I’m running to her like a rivers song

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

Shes got a fine sense of humor when I’m feeling low down
And when I come to her when the sun goes down
Take away my trouble, take away my grief
Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

Yes I need her in the daytime
Yes I need her in the night
Yes I want to throw my arms around her
Kiss her hug her kiss her hug her tight

And when I’m returning from so far away
She gives me some sweet lovin’ brighten up my day
Yes it makes me righteous, yes it makes me feel whole
Yes it makes me mellow down in to my soul