Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tired

I’m just plain tired. I’m tired of having to explain how I identify, especially to the same people over and over again. I’m tired of people making assumptions about me rather than letting me make my own definitions and letting them know what my labels are. I’m tired of people thinking I’m straight because my partner is cis male or that I’m a lesbian because I enjoy women. I’m tired of people thinking I’m a woman because I dress femme. I try not to let it bother me when someone mislables me, but it hurts every time.

It’s difficult to inhabit middle identities while living in a binary world. There are many days when I wish I could just feel “one or the other” instead of seeing all the wonderful options out in front of me and wanting to have one of every flavor. Call me indecisive if you want, but when I can see the beauty and joy I could get from every option I can’t just pick one, it’s not in my nature.

I’m not straight or a lesbian, I’m queer. Bisexual, maybe, though I don’t like the binary aspect it implies and prefer other terms. Queer is the best description I have. Really I tend to be attracted to other queer people regardless of their gender and specifically because of their intelligence and/or personality. I’ve used intellisexual for quite some time, sapiosexual also fits which is a slightly more common term. I am attracted to people’s brains more than anything else, and usually those brains have to be queer in some way shape or form.

Similarly I do not identify with the term woman. It’s simply not a word that I identify with nor is it a way I see myself or desire for others to see me. While I may often wear feminine drag that does not make me a woman (or any spelling variation thereof). The same goes for girl. My gender identity is genderqueer regardless of the gender expressed within my gender presentation1. My gender presentation is always drag.

While I do associate with the term femme I embrace it as part of my gender presentation. I embrace the gothy glittery drag femmeininity that is all mine most days, though not all days. Femme is my presentation more than anything, but there are also days when I wear my too-small-sports-bra-slash-makeshift-binder and present as fagette. I do think that my “fagette” presentation confuses some people, however, because it still some femininity in it, dressing in boy drag is not a spectrum-banging event for me. I am realizing more and more, though, just how much femme and fagette go hand in hand for me. There are no days when I am femme that I am not a fagette, and no days when I am not genderqueer.

Recently I’ve begun using gender neutral pronouns when I am able and it makes my entire being sing. A friend of mine referred to me using ze and hir without my first requesting it and it nearly brought me to completely unexpected tears to be seen in a way that aligned with my own gender. I catch myself internally wincing when words and identities other than my own are thrown at me in conversation, but often I don’t have the energy or desire to confront the misconception of me in the eyes of others, which just ends up perpetuating it.

I’m trying to get to the point where I am not looking for the validation of others for any of my identities, but it’s difficult not to want that. I want to be seen rather than assumed away as something else. I realize that I am responsible for making myself a whole person in the eyes of others and do not put the responsibility of figuring me out completely on other people but I’m so damn tired of having to correct people. It seems like a petty difference to ask someone to not refer to me using certain language, and yet it cuts me deep whenever it happens. I just haven’t gotten to the point where I am comfortable asserting my gender identity, perhaps because it is such a fluid work-in-progress.

  1. I’m using gender identity and gender presentation to mean two different things. Someone’s gender identity has to do with the internal gender feelings the person has, whereas their gender presentation is the outward gender they show to the world. These do not always go hand-in-hand. []

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3 Comments

  1. I understand this in a completely different context. I am kinky and yet also a diehard Christian. My spiritual beliefs do not however fit into a specific category and people assume they no my entire belief system based not on getting to know me but by a label. I hate being labeled religious and yet spiritual feels like a cop-out. I truly love meeting and getting to know people and try not to judge them by superficial things. I love your blog there is always something interesting to read and i always learn something

  2. This post is very well written (though all your stuff is!) and not whiny at all. This is something most of us are dealing with. Even I tend to go with the normal day to day labels for myself due to lack of knowledge of something better. It’s all about opening up and learning. We have far to go. And please, correct me if I fuck up. I need it! :)

  3. If you ever find me to be insensitive to your identity or using pronouns you’d rather not hear, please tell me. I would like to be a safe friend for you, one that can know and appreciate the things that are important to you. I don’t want to hurt you, even if it’s unintentional. Though I may not understand (from personal experience) the unique issues that you deal with in regards to your genderqueerness, I can sympathize with wanting others to see and recognize all of the important facets that make up you as a person.

    I want to share how I see you. I see a beautiful, eclectic, intelligent, fun person. I see Scarlet. Whatever form you appear in is totally “you” to me. I’m thankful that I’ve gotten to know you because you’ve opened my eyes to so many things. I appreciate people who challenge my thinking. You have done that by baring your soul here and by being my friend.

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