Broken

As of two days ago the triad we have been working so hard on the last six months or so ended. The state of my individual relationships within the triad is unknown at this point but we are all certain that Marla and Onyx’s relationship is no more.

If you follow me on twitter you already know this.

Two days ago Onyx went to work and shortly after Marla and I woke up to text messages from him telling us that Marla had to be out of the apartment by the time he got back. This was at 6am and he would be back around 7pm. This came as an extreme shock to us as things had actually been going better for a while, at least I thought they had. He told me that our relationship was over and that I might want to find a relative or someone to stay with.

This sounds extreme, and it really was. Marla and I talked with our families and ended up getting tickets to head home to where we grew up, I’m currently writing this from Juneau, Alaska.

We were not able to get flights until the next day, so (like the wonderfully sweet and amazing person she is) Coy Pink and her husband put us up at their place for the night, she even drove us to the airport the next day and everything, I’m still blown away by her willingness to help us, especially after having not seen me in months and never having met Marla.

Back to the beginning, though. The reason why everything changed so quickly was because Onyx snooped and read Marla’s private journal and discovered horrible things written there about him, bad enough that he never wants to see her again. I have not read what she wrote and I’m not sure I would want to even if given the chance.

I can understand him needing to read it and him wanting her out based on what she’s told me, though I also understand that what she wrote is not what she feels all the time and that it was an outpouring of raw emotion which was never to be read by anyone, especially not the person it was mostly about. I’m in Juneau figuring out what the next step for me is, what I need, who I can be with. I still love them both very much, and I’m pretty much guaranteed to break one or both of their hearts at this point.

Onyx has since said that he never intended to kick me out. He was delirious with anger and sadness and he assumed I wouldn’t want to stay with him if he kicked Marla out. He also assumed at first that I knew more about what she had written down than I did. Although twelve hours to pack up and leave is rather unreasonable he became more lenient once he started thinking rationally. We did leave before he got home, taking as much as we could, and he agreed to send the rest as we requested.

This is extremely hard on all of us, and I don’t really blame either of them for what has happened, although maybe I should. I can see both sides and knowing that they both still want a relationship with me in a way makes it all that much more difficult. I am no good at making decisions, especially when a situation changes from an “and” to an “either/or” and so that’s what I’m working on doing up here in Alaska.

How long I’ll stay is up in the air right now, all my stuff is still in Seattle along with my kitties but I don’t really have a job tying me there. I’m allowing myself time to sort through everything and figure out what’s best for me.