taiWelcome! I’m Tai Fenix Kulystin (previously known as Scarlet Lotus), I am a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and my pronouns are they/them. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the joys and pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

Outside of this blog I am currently finishing up a Master's degree to help me launch into my career as a Gender & Intimacy Coach and Somatic Sexuality Educator. I am passionate about working with people of all bodies, genders, sexualities, and relationship styles to help them move toward experiencing the (sex) life of their dreams.



Socializing and Me

I’ve realized lately just how far the extent of my lack of desire to socialize goes. Of course, it’s highly dependent on my mood, and I’ve been rather down lately, mostly because of lacking a job and the inability to get one, having no one want me basically, which really gets my abandonment and rejection issues to the forefront. When I get in these modes I just want to curl up in bed and forget about the rest of the world, which for me usually includes either a book or the internet or some combination thereof.

Though I haven’t forgotten about the rest of the world exactly, either. We went to the local protest here yesterday, and I was happy to know that there were marches like ours going around all across the nation in every state. I was proud to be a part of it, but I did have to force myself to go, because the idea of being with so many people was a little daunting. Once we were there, though, it was fantastic, and it helped me remember why I need a community, but it also made me remember that I’m not a part of the community here.

I’ve been a highly active member of the queer community since I was in high school, but I’ve been absent from my community for a long time, and even now I’m debating getting into it because I know that we are going to leave soon. I don’t want to make friends with new people at this point because I know that we are going to go to (probably) Seattle in just a few months and I hate leaving friends behind. We’re already leaving behind too many friends when we move, I don’t want to add to that number.

At the same time, I crave friendship, which is part of why I’m online so much, I think, why I write in here so much, because I’m trying to create relationships with you, because they’re at least somewhat sustainable. However, the more I think about it, I’m still very guarded and I don’t reach out as much as I want to. This is common for me, but it’s also not a conscious choice, it’s just something that I do.

After my interview for a Sundance Film Festival box office position on Friday I wanted to call and talk with someone about it, so I called Onyx, who was busy taking a certification test and was unable to answer the phone. I went through the phonebook on my phone and realized that the only other person I was comfortable calling was my mom, and she would be busy at work at that time of day. So I didn’t call anyone.

I hope to expand that list of people I can just call whenever something is upsetting me or bothering me or I just want to talk once we move. I’m sure there are others I could have called, in fact I know there were. I could have called my sister, Kat, a couple friends in California, or a few others, but I rank people in my mind who I can and can’t just talk to and, more specifically, whine to.

I do it here too, I categorize what is and isn’t appropriate by how personal it is. Sex and sexuality is definitely personal, but it’s not the same as exposing my emotions and vulnerability. I can be emotionally detached from my gender and sexuality talk, even though it is very personal, because I can categorize it as an academic discussion rather than anything sensitive.

I have a strange sense of what is or isn’t appropriate to post here, and really I should be able to post just about everything here, and I am able to but I definitely censor myself sometimes, and it may just be time to stop.

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11 Responses to “Socializing and Me”

  1. chicory says:

    a lot of what you said rang true for me. I have to force myself to socialize, and I’ve been gun-shy about making friends after I lost a bunch of friends to different states. I’ve also done that thing where I scroll through my phone and realize that I don’t really have anyone to call. In my case it’s usually that I want to call someone because I want to go to coffee or get out of the house, and most of my friends live out of state (many of them I met through the internet).

    So I spend a lot of time on the internet.

    It’s easier for me to make friends on the internet, because it’s harder to disappoint them, I think.

    chicory’s last blog post: Put your crafty on

  2. dominadoll says:

    Sometimes I think I am agoraphobic, because I hate going out in social situations for the most part. A lot of it has to do that most of my friends live in the city and I’m an hour away, and everything that is going on is going on there. Then I hate the traffic, crowds, people. Even going shopping for groceries seems like a huge chore that takes the best out of me. Of course, I miss out on all the parties and fet events, and seeing my friends which sucks. I have a grrl whose been wanting to meet me for months to begin a D/s relationship and I just never get into town. Missing out I think :( I feel for you.

  3. I’m picky about my socializing. If I am social, it’s a little at a time; once I get to know you, then there’s no problem.

    I actually started the blog with no real intention of interacting a great deal…but I’m really glad I changed my mind. ;)

    Panthera Pardus’s last blog post: Microfantasy Monday Theme-Week 2

  4. dominadoll says:

    @ScarletLotus I agree. I would probably be a hermit without it, if I’m not one already. I don’t know what I’d do without the internet. Its all I do really, except masturbate ;) Oh, and write about it. Ha! I wonder what Freud would think of that? I am actually fairly shy on the internet as well, when it comes to personal things and there are few blogs that I do comment on, yours being one of course. I would like to be able to share more of myself, but then I think, well who cares but me? Writing about myself feels like I’m being an attention whore, which I guess is not a bad thing, but feels strange to me to open myself up I guess. I appreciate your ability, and others to write so personally in their blogs, and hope someday I will feel the same level of comfort with it.

  5. chicory says:

    @Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek, you know, my online friends make me sad, too, since I can’t see them and yet it feels like they’re right next door. But, Seattle’s not that bad as I’m in Seattle every few months for school, anyway…

    chicory’s last blog post: Whipped Cream for Dairy Allergics

  6. @Panthera Pardus, I’m a similar way, although I have the tendency even to shy away from people once I know them, it’s all about that strange categorizing of people in my mind by how intimate I am with them.

    I’m glad you changed your mind too! =)

  7. @dominadoll, I have a similar wondering re: agoraphobia, and a similar situation I think, though mostly my friends are all in different cities and nowhere close, so it’s hard to get there. I think the internet in our cases may be both good and bad, because it gives us a way to interact without actually interacting which is nice, but otherwise we might be forced to socialize, then again we may just become hermits without it. Who knows.

  8. @chicory, “It’s easier for me to make friends on the internet, because it’s harder to disappoint them, I think.”
    I definitely agree with this, though from my version of it would probably be the other way around: it’s easier for me to make friends on the internet because it’s harder for them to disappoint me. Though that sounds kind of horrible when I say it, maybe. I think I sometimes have too high expectations for people, and that contributes to my lack of meeting people as well.

  9. chicory says:

    @Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek, we should make a pact then to never try and meet even though we live in the same strangling town. That way no one is ever disappointed!

    chicory’s last blog post: More on My Motherhood

  10. @chicory, I think you might be on to something, although I doubt either of us would end up disappointed, but who knows! Although, it would save me from being another friend of yours you lost to another state, instead I would be an online friend. Not a bad idea… though the more I read your blog and the more we communicate (on here, since I’m horrible at commenting, as you probably noticed. I’m horrible at commenting on the comments on my own blog let alone the blogs of others!) the more I want to meet you.

  11. @dominadoll, I do definitely appreciate that mine is one of the few blogs you comment on! Even if I am unable to reply to comments in a timely fashion. ;)

    I’m sure many people would be interested in more personal writing from you, but I can also understand not necessarily wanting to open yourself up to that. I tend to share personal information but detach and try to do it in a speculative or analytical way, which is what makes it easier for me to write about it. Though I’m also trying to write more smut lately, as that’s something I want to develop my skills on. I often think of some personal things as not important enough to talk about on here, which is crazy as it’s my personal blog, but maybe that’s just a sort of standard I’ve set for myself? I’m not sure.

    Also, sometimes being an attention whore is a good thing, but as long as you’re writing what you want to write about, that’s what matters, imo.


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