Purveyor of Pleasure

Delving into my humanity and the joys and pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

Size vs. Health

I came to a realization over this past weekend, in fact I came to many realizations, but this is the one I’m going to share with you today. I don’t usually talk about personal things that don’t relate directly to some aspect of my identity. Although this does relate to my fat identity, but in a different way than I would normally post about it (not sure if that makes sense). Basically, this is the kind of post I would usually reserve for LiveJournal and not for this blog, but it is something that I need to talk about, and something that I feel I should share on here.

I haven’t been taking care of my body well enough. I’m so focused on sex and sexuality but I have been ignoring the physical, which seems contradictory but somehow it still happened. I have been trying to live as a disembodied mind, seperate from my body while at the same time sexual and loving it… it hasn’t been working so well.

I’ve been signed up with a personal trainer since January and I’ve been going (though not going to the gym as often as I feel I should) but I haven’t lost that much weight or changed my body that much. I have been eating better (though not all that much better) and I haven’t been losing weight, and it’s time for me to change that. I have known this for a while, but there’s a difference between knowing something and realizing something.

This brings me to an interesting struggle. I love being fat, I love being a bbw, but I am currently unhealthy and that is a problem. There is a difference between being fat and being healthy, and I’m way past healthy. Four years ago I went from a size 24 to a size 14. I doubt I will ever be smaller than a size 14, and I’m more than okay with that. My body type doesn’t lend itself to being smaller, and a 14/16 is (I think) the most attractive and ideal body image for me. Currently I am back up to a size 26.

I am heavier than I have ever been in my life before this, I am uncomfortable and I teeter between being unhappy with my weight and being depressed. The strange thing is that while I can get depressed with being unhealthy I still love myself and my body, just not where it is right now. It seems like a paradox, and it kind of is, but it somehow works.

The main reason I am talking about this is because my health is something I’m dedicated to change, but I’m also talking about this because there is this crazy paradox within society. The emphasis should be on health rather than size, but it’s hard to seperate one from the other. Most people equate them when, in reality, they can be worlds apart. Skinny people can have just as many or more health issues than large people, but we don’t always think of that. However, in my current state I am unhealthy, and I realize this.

Dominus and I have talked about both of our health issues. Basically he is in the same situation as I am. If we could be disembodied consciousness’ (which could still have sex) we would, but then we’d also miss out on all the fun things that bodies can do. We have decided to start a new routine which includes not only bodily health but also spiritual health, something we have been putting off since we lost our temple. We are going to create a new temple for us to work within as well as incorporate yoga (vinyasa, pranayama, and kundalini), the five Tibetan rites, and Tai Chi into our normal routines. I am also thinking of taking up bellydancing again.

This will also change our sleeping and eating patterns (for the better, I’m hoping) and switch our usual meal-a-day together from dinner to breakfast, which I’m a big fan of. It is rather ambitious, but it’s necessary. I’ll sneak little updates into my posts.

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6 Comments

  1. I can relate, I feel the same, I am at the heaviest I have ever been. I am not having health issues, but I don’t feel good either. I know it is time for me to do some thing about it. We do kickbox, but I have not been doing it faithfully and I need to eat and eat properly. My thoughts are with you, and I look forward to hearing how you are doing in future posts. Good Luck
    xoxoxo
    ~Lily

  2. YES YES YES to the bellydance!

    *ahem* Sorry, I’m biased. :D

    I know the feeling, though. I’m jazzed about my new job largely because it will allow me to attend two dance classes a week instead of just one. I’m excited about getting into nice fit bellydancer shape again!

  3. Nice–I like it when someone writes something exactly like what I feel so I don’t have to write it down. :)

    The skinny/healthy thing is all confused . . . I once read (or was told) that it’s much better to focus on what your body can do (jump, climb, fuck) than on what it looks like, and I think that’s still the best healthy body advice I’ve ever heard.

  4. @Ms.Lily: Thank you, sweetie! Sounds like we’re in the same boat, really, I haven’t been having health issues per se, but I am pre-diabetic from my dad’s side and that coupled with being at my heaviest… I don’t eat that much sugar, but I do go for the starches. Luckily things seem to be changing. Good luck to you as well! Perhaps we could encourage each other?

    @Amber (tieyou_topme): Hehe, I took a few classes and was in a troupe back in high school, and I absolutely loved it, but I haven’t gotten in any classes or anything here, which I’d like to do. The problem is always money and time, but hopefully I’ll be managing both more effectively soon! That’s super exciting, though, I want to attend two classes a week! Jealous.

    @sera: Awesome! I love it when I write down exactly what someone else feels as well, it’s always wonderful to know that I’m actually making sense. ;)
    I really like that, to focus on what your body can do than on what it looks like, though they’re correlated, of course, but it’s definitely a better way of looking at things (or not looking at things?). I’ll have to take that to heart!

  5. I’ve written about my size stuff a lot, and issues I’ve had with random doctors blaming my size instead of the issue at hand.

    Until I was talking with my GP in Philly. After the kidney infection, we did a full panel. 12 vials of blood. Every test pretty much EVER.

    The results? My only “normal” problem (as compared to joint issues, migraines, etc) was low B-12, which is normal in vegetarians.

    He told me that I was one of the healthiest people he’d ever worked with, even though I’m a size 16/18.

    That was all I needed. Add to that my orthopedic surgeon telling me that my weight has NOTHING to do with all my knee problems, and I’m good to go.

    Health, not size. I <3 you for this!

  6. @Essin’ Em: That’s fantastic! Stupid doctors always blaming size. While I agree it -can- be the problem and often is the problem it isn’t always the problem. I’m still trying to figure out how to go about all this and how to determine what healthy means in my body, and I think that’s going to be the hardest part. I suppose going to a doctor would be smart generally, but I can’t say I’ve really been to a doctor since I was 5. I really like what @sera: said about focusing on what a body is able to do as opposed to what it looks like, but maybe that needs to be taken a step further to what it feels like as opposed to what it looks like, or what it feels to be in it. When I was healthier I enjoyed my body and didn’t feel negative about it even though I wasn’t “society’s ideal” (whatever that means, right?). I think I like that. Although being happy with your body and being healthy in your body are two different things too. Hmm… more to think on.

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