Tag: vulnerability Page 3 of 4

Overflow

On April 23, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

Do I really come off so pretentious? I realize that for myself and many others it’s easy to hide behind barriers of knowledge and pride when in reality all we are inside is glass that has been broken one too many times.

I look down too often to find a piece of myself I forgot I was missing casually lying at my feet. I pick it up and try to piece myself back together, sometimes the hole that I had grown accustomed to feels strange once filled again. I had been used to missing that piece of myself. I’m never as smooth or shiny as I used to be. The cracks never go away.

Too much of a cliche? Well, that’s kind of me in a nutshell. Did it again? Oh yes, over and over.

I have perfected the art of silent crying. We are both on our sides, his arm around me, his body against mine, and tears stream down my face. I’m not sure if he can tell or not, and different parts of me wish for either recognition or ignorance. I’m usually not sure which is better.

My breath is ragged but I work hard to control it, try not to shake even though I can tell I am. He has gotten to understand what the long quick intakes of breath mean between the sobs that I don’t allow to wrack my body but I so desperately want to. The solace I am often offered makes me cry harder, so I usually reject it even though I need it.

On nights like these, I write posts like this in my head, but they never come out the same as I imagine them.

Feelings of inadequacy and doubt are always made more by the frustration, irritation, and anger I turn inward. How dare I feel this way! Why do I think such horrible things? Why do I feel like this when everything in my head is telling me not to? How can I stop?

On nights like these, I teeter precariously close to hating myself over hating the situation or my own reactions. It’s sometimes difficult to separate the one from the other.

I tell myself it’s stupid, not something I should care about, even when I know that the best thing to do in this situation is talk about it, acknowledge it, let the others in the situation help me work through the issue and get to a better understanding it. I do have a Psychology degree, for all that it doesn’t do for me, and I can tap into that information and understand what I should do. The best advice I can give is advice I am rarely able to follow.

To further compound the issue I not only get upset at myself for this situation, but everything that has made me sad, upset, or depressed in the last few weeks or even months or years comes bubbling to the surface. I can’t not think about that one little thing that got under my skin, the time I stuck my foot in my mouth and my staircase wit would have been so brilliant if I had thought to say it, the time I said those horrible things that I didn’t mean, and so on.

My brain swirls with all these horrible memories and just makes me feel worse. Eventually it’s not about the situation at all, it’s just about feeling sorrow.

On nights like these contact and someone who will listen is really what I need, even if I don’t say anything knowing that I could helps more than they might know.

But I do try to say things, it’s easier to say things now than it was four years ago when we were first starting out. It’s easier to say things now than it was one year ago or six months ago. It’s continually easier. I need to gain composure first, though, figure out how to say things, word things correctly so I’m not misunderstood. Once I do I’m often embarrassed at what I say, but I’ve learned that he won’t judge me for it, or if he does he doesn’t say it out loud.

I’m grateful that he has adapted himself to fit what I need at moments like these. He has learned over the years to be patient, though he still doesn’t press me for more at the perfect times but that would be impossible without telepathy.

On nights like these I take the pressure off of my internal bottle, just for a little while, just long enough to feel better, and then I stuff everything back inside again until the next time the pressure becomes too much to withstand on my own.

Five Things

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 3, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Polyamory

…that make me constantly and undeniably happy.

In no particular order.

Two hour phone calls about nothing and everything that feel like they only spanned fifteen minutes.
Exchanging “I love you” in a mumbled half-asleep state while snuggled perfectly.
Silences when we have nothing to say, but aren’t awkward or uncomfortable, just there enjoying the others’ company.
Meeting for lunch mostly just to see each other in the middle of the day.
Sharing love with two amazing people, without restrictions or boundaries, but often with a good dose of overanalyzation. ;)

Finding the Next Step

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 24, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection

I’m afraid she’s losing interest, and I’m afraid it’s all my fault.

This may be my paranoid insecurities talking, ’cause, hey, I have lots of those, but Onyx and I were talking the other night about Marla, specifically Marla and me and our lack of long-distance physical sexual anything which is rather important to where we are at if we actually want to progress to anything further. We talk about sex and sex toys and the probability of sex while she’s here, but I’m horrible at flirting and I’m almost frightened to take things to another level because I’m afraid of it being… well, wrong.

My post the other day about when I said that the only thing “wrong” with her is that she’s a Top/bottom switch was supposed to be more telling about her (often scary) near perfection than it was about my actual feelings about switching and set roles or any of the other things I analyzed. I was basically trying to say that she seems to fit almost too well, and the only real flaw I have yet to find is that she does not live up exactly to the ideal I’ve been searching for, but, um, I’m not expecting anyone to because that’s a desire or fantasy rather than a reality.

I keep everyone at a distance. It’s difficult for me to let anyone in, but it’s much easier for me to write about things, so that’s what I’m doing. If something’s going too well my automatic reaction is to push away from it, examine it, try to figure out where it might go wrong so that I can buffer myself against the eventual perceived fall out. Of course, my perception often creates reality because then I’ve pulled back or detached which is a catalyst for what I was afraid of.

Everything’s so new with her, and everything feels so right I’m just waiting for the (in my head) inevitable proverbial other shoe, while also hoping that shoe never actually drops.

None of my pulling away has been conscious, really, either. I’ve forgotten to take my phone off of silent and missed some of her calls. Sunday I was in a really odd mood and wasn’t very communicative with her at all most of that day, which I feel bad about, but I had retreated into my shell, and I wasn’t even that communicative with Onyx who was only a few feet from me at most times.

When Onyx and I talked about this he kept reminding me that it’s my move, that I need to do something to show her that I’m interested, since she’s the lunger in this situation and I’m the lungee, which is a situation I don’t think I’ve really been in before. I’ve always been the lunger, and I’ve more often than not been squashed.

I know what I’d want in her situation, but as the lungee I don’t know how to initiate another level of contact, and I’m also not sure if I’m ready to move to that level for fear of failure. Either failure of me not doing the right thing or failure of our compatibility, because I want this blossoming relationship to be as wonderful as I imagine it will. However, I’ll never know how wonderful it actually is until we start interacting on more of a relationship-level than a friendship-level, if that makes sense. The problem is I don’t know how to initiate that.

I think the thing with us I’m most afraid of is not performing well sexually, not meeting her expectations of me and therefore ruin this entire budding relationship, or just generally messing up and being incompatible in that area. It seems silly, maybe, for someone who is actually relatively in tune with their sexuality, but before Onyx I really didn’t have that much experience aside from one-night stands and autoerotic interactions.

Logically, I should simply initiate a conversation into some sort of sexual area (and not a sexual area that is, essentially, “shop talk” to us sex toy reviewers), or at very least initiate some light flirting to let her know that I’m actually interested, as opposed to what I’ve been doing which has been small amounts of very reserved flirting and not answering her phone calls (though unintentionally!).

However, that’s always easier said than done, especially to someone who has a rather large fear of rejection (I know we all do, but mine is, well, large as it often is the reason behind me choosing not to go to a social event, but that’s a whole other thing… let’s say I don’t socialize much because of it). I try to put fear aside, and I think about saying these things while I’m on the phone with her, but the words don’t come out.

Onyx says that she’s waiting on me to show her I’m interested in more, because she’s given me all the signs that she is, but my reaction to her pulling back (which is probably actually a reaction to me pulling back) is to automatically assume that now that she knows me better she doesn’t actually like me as much, which may not make that much sense unless you’re in my paranoid, insecure, and overanalytical head. Sometimes I think my degree in Psychology is a hindrance rather than a help, though in this case it’s telling me that I’m the one fucking up here.

If only I could convince myself that taking that next step is the right thing to do. Of course, what would really help is if I could actually bring any of this up to her directly. I never claimed to be great at communicating, just that it’s important and I want to be great at it, but I often fail miserably. Then again, my blog basically is my way of communicating, so maybe this post will help.

Black Burlesque (HNT)

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 18, 2009

In Introspection

I received the Regard Indiscret Set from Babeland and since I reviewed it on Tuesday I thought the images from using it would be perfect for Half-Nekkid Thursday.

The contents of the set: black round hat tin containing black leather tasseled pasties, black feather boa, pearl belt/necklace, and three small round candles.

You can watch my video review of the Regard Indiscret Set here on Wanton Lotus. I’m also giving a set away to one lucky commenter on my review. Go over there to enter.

I conveniently had a black mesh skirt with a black boa-like trim on the bottom which worked perfectly with the rest of the set. Under the skirt is my black ruffled panties. You can also see most of my tattoos in these pictures as well.

I love all of them, but I think I love the first one most. It may be my favorite picture of myself at the moment. What do you think?

Interaction

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 3, 2009

In Introspection, Sex Blogging

From someecards.

I tend to live in my head more than anywhere else, which can make it difficult to meet new people. I obsess over making good impressions so I often don’t say much when meeting someone for the first time and end up coming off either as shy or disinterested (and I think the latter more than the former). I generally prefer to observe others before engaging in conversation with them, as well, which doesn’t help.

The point being, I’m kind of terrible at meeting new people, and I’m kind of terrible at communication in general, I think. Writing is the way I communicate best, and I believe in communication with friends and lovers. I believe that it’s important, but sometimes it’s so damn difficult for me to get anything out.

This post was originally going to be about flirting, or my inability to flirt, but instead it’s evolved into interaction and communication in general, though also about flirting.

I think both my lack of flirting and communication abilities both stem from the same place: I’m afraid of my words being taken the wrong way, and sometimes I’m afraid of my words being taken the right way and my advances or assertions being unwanted or incorrect.

Everyone has these fears to an extent, but some have them more than others. I always admire the people who can speak their mind and who seem to have little disregard for what others think of them. I’m not that person, although I often wish I was. I care too much about what people think of me, and it pains me when someone dislikes me for whatever reason.

I came out as queer at a young age. I was the founder and president of my high school’s GSA and very out. I watched straight or even bi female friends of mine flirt with other girls, snuggle with them, kiss them, all the while wishing I could experience that but holding myself at arms length in fear of what they would think of me. I desired closeness in a friendly way, without any sexual overtones, just snuggling and exploration, but I was afraid if I attempted to join in they would think I was hitting on them.

It made me guarded, careful of what I said, worried at every turn that someone would take something I said the wrong way. I collapsed into myself and didn’t share that connection with anyone around me. I didn’t know many queer girls, and the ones I did had boyfriends or just generally weren’t interested, so that wasn’t something I could explore with them either.

The point of all this is I don’t think I know how to interact with others in a good way, and more and more I choose not to interact and to crawl deeper and deeper into my own fears and frustrations. The problem really is that I don’t know how to get out of it, and further that I’m afraid to try to get out of it because that could mean ruin.

Often, too, if I get close to someone I sabotage it by overanalyzing and becoming anxious about the interactions. I cherish some of the friendships I’ve made online, but they all seem temporary, and I know that’s mostly my fault.

I love Onyx but we are not enough for each other, we both need other friends and lovers to be in our lives. We’ve gone out and met people here, but nowhere near as much as we should have by now. Every time we go somewhere it’s a struggle because I push against it, even though I know that once we go out I will enjoy myself. I can’t seem to help my automatic aversion to the outside world.

It’s ironic, maybe, that the things I want the most–simple interaction, closeness, friends–are maybe the most difficult things for me to allow myself to get.

Protected: Indiscriminate Niceness is Overrated*

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 6, 2009

In Gender Galaxy, Introspection

Protected: My Gender and Language Limitations, Or: A Big Miscommunication

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 5, 2009

In Gender Galaxy, Introspection

Socializing and Me

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On November 16, 2008

In Introspection

I’ve realized lately just how far the extent of my lack of desire to socialize goes. Of course, it’s highly dependent on my mood, and I’ve been rather down lately, mostly because of lacking a job and the inability to get one, having no one want me basically, which really gets my abandonment and rejection issues to the forefront. When I get in these modes I just want to curl up in bed and forget about the rest of the world, which for me usually includes either a book or the internet or some combination thereof.

Though I haven’t forgotten about the rest of the world exactly, either. We went to the local protest here yesterday, and I was happy to know that there were marches like ours going around all across the nation in every state. I was proud to be a part of it, but I did have to force myself to go, because the idea of being with so many people was a little daunting. Once we were there, though, it was fantastic, and it helped me remember why I need a community, but it also made me remember that I’m not a part of the community here.

I’ve been a highly active member of the queer community since I was in high school, but I’ve been absent from my community for a long time, and even now I’m debating getting into it because I know that we are going to leave soon. I don’t want to make friends with new people at this point because I know that we are going to go to (probably) Seattle in just a few months and I hate leaving friends behind. We’re already leaving behind too many friends when we move, I don’t want to add to that number.

At the same time, I crave friendship, which is part of why I’m online so much, I think, why I write in here so much, because I’m trying to create relationships with you, because they’re at least somewhat sustainable. However, the more I think about it, I’m still very guarded and I don’t reach out as much as I want to. This is common for me, but it’s also not a conscious choice, it’s just something that I do.

After my interview for a Sundance Film Festival box office position on Friday I wanted to call and talk with someone about it, so I called Onyx, who was busy taking a certification test and was unable to answer the phone. I went through the phonebook on my phone and realized that the only other person I was comfortable calling was my mom, and she would be busy at work at that time of day. So I didn’t call anyone.

I hope to expand that list of people I can just call whenever something is upsetting me or bothering me or I just want to talk once we move. I’m sure there are others I could have called, in fact I know there were. I could have called my sister, Kat, a couple friends in California, or a few others, but I rank people in my mind who I can and can’t just talk to and, more specifically, whine to.

I do it here too, I categorize what is and isn’t appropriate by how personal it is. Sex and sexuality is definitely personal, but it’s not the same as exposing my emotions and vulnerability. I can be emotionally detached from my gender and sexuality talk, even though it is very personal, because I can categorize it as an academic discussion rather than anything sensitive.

I have a strange sense of what is or isn’t appropriate to post here, and really I should be able to post just about everything here, and I am able to but I definitely censor myself sometimes, and it may just be time to stop.

It's Just Breath Control

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 15, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

I sat astride his chest, “It’s just a thrill,” he said,
as he relaxed on the dark, dark bed,
“it’s just breath control.”
He whispered “Hold me here” and I did and his head fell back.
He whispered “Press harder” and I did and his eyes rolled back. It’s just breath control.

-“Breath Control” by Recoil

This post comes to you by request of the sweet, lovely, and brilliant Elizabeth (I may have a bit of a crush, shhhh… and let’s not mention her partner Gabe as well… they are both amazing and fabulous), she asked me about the allure of breath play, what I see in it, and why it’s appealing. This is something I’ve been thinking quite a bit about lately, as both the play parties we went to ended up with me desiring breath play at one point or another. It really is something that I highly enjoy, and I don’t ask for it as often as I feel the desire for it.

One instance in particular comes to mind for me to talk about. This was back when I still lived in Ashland, Oregon and Master was coming over for a weekend at a time to visit. I think it was around his birthday in December 2005, our relationship was still pretty new, especially on the physical level, and we had played with breath play a little bit already, but this was the first time I remember experiencing a big “wow” factor, it was what turned breath play from a casual desire to a permanent kink.

We were cuddling on the couch, watching Buffy or Angel (I don’t remember which) as we usually did. Pretty much all we did when he visited was fuck, eat, and if we could pull ourselves out of bed, watch Buffy or Angel (as I own all twelve seasons and make everyone that gets close to me watch through them with me). I forget what provoked it, I may have asked for it or we may have been talking about it, I’m not sure, but I do remember that he had me breathe in deeply before covering my nose and mouth with his hand (my favorite way of experiencing breath play).

I took a breath and we looked into each others eyes as he began controlling me. He held me past he had before, making me light headed and a little dizzy, but in an exquisite way. I felt completely under his power, extremely helpless, and a little out of it in a weird way. I was completely conscious, but felt almost drunk or just loose, basically I was a lot less self-conscious and my overanalytical brain was shut off a bit, I was in the moment rather than overthinking everything as I usually do.

So, basically, there are three main factors which I believe contribute to my enjoyment of and desire for breath play: control, vulnerability, and headspace. The control aspect should be fairly obvious, the Top is controlling the breath of the bottom, controlling something which is usually automatic and subconscious. It brings focus to the mundane and is a way for the Top to illustrate the power ze has over the bottom, because ze controls not only the bottom’s conscious actions but also the unconscious. It can easily be worked into mindfuck scenarios that way as well.

Vulnerability is pretty obvious as well, I think, basically the bottom is putting hir life into the hands of the Top. If the Top was to hold on for a little longer ze could make the bottom pass out or even die (though, of course, none of us would pick Tops who would even consider doing something like that, but the threat is there). The bottom is completely under the power of the Top, and must trust hir completely in order to engage in breath play, and I believe, like all edge play, if done correctly it can strengthen the bond between Top and bottom.

I find that breath play gets me in an immediately vulnerable, helpless, and (basically) a submissive mindset. My brain shuts down a bit (in a good way) and I am taken into a form of sub-space. I am able to dip into that mindset quicker than any other method which we have played around with. In some ways it’s a very spiritual experience as well, as I find all sub-space or pain-space to be, which is really a seperate post I’m working on as well. It brings me more into the serving aspect of my personae, which doesn’t usually happen very easily.

That said, each experience I’ve had with breath play are all slightly different, but they are all slightly the same. The mindset which results is not always identical, and it also depends on what else it’s coupled with and the intensity of it. If we do a short amount while Master is fucking me the affect is completely different than if we are doing nothing but breath play (like the scenario above) or if he is caning me and holding my breath (like the experience at the play party). Every experience slightly varies but the core tenants are the same: control, vulnerability, and headspace/mindset.

The Perfect Cure for Grumpyness

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On June 19, 2008

In Smut

The other day I was in a kind of grumpy place, I have been a few days this week, actually, and I’m not completely sure why. Though when I get grumpy, I often get needy. Not that regular kind of emotionally needy, or just regularly physically needy, but a deep desire to be dominated like I’ve written about before. I’m not always sure what triggers this. Sometimes it’s a bad day, sometimes it’s just lack of getting it, a lapse in regular play, and sometimes my paranoid and overanalyzing nature gets the better of my mood.

I hadn’t been tied up for quite some time. I was working on my computer, lying naked on my stomach on the bed with my laptop in front of me, and Master came in to straddle me from behind, he ground his cock into me and we exchanged a few teasing words.

Though I was wearing a robe, and he had on his pants, I could feel the semi-hardness of him grinding against my ass. I asked him if he was going to fuck me, and he told me that he was going to tease me for a while first. I asked him if he would tie me up when he did it.

Later he came back into the room, this time I was naked as it had been hot and the fan I had going wasn’t quite enough to cool me down. He started playing with me teasingly, straddled me again and grabbed at my wrists, holding them behind my back so that he could wind the bondage tape around them.

From there I was helpless. I fake-struggled for a bit, testing my bonds, as he slid his fingers into me, testing me, preparing me for him. He fucked me, while slapping my ass, grabbing my hair, using my bound wrists to pull me back onto him, doing all the little things which drive me wild.

The entirety and details of the experience are more of a blur than anything. Being bound and fucked is something which will put me in an almost immediate state of submission, taking me down into my fantasies.

I think it is the automatic feeling of helplessness which does it, an automatic overpowering that I can feel in every bit of me. The feeling can manifest through physical or mental bondage, and simply from hands pinning me down or grasping my wrists.

There is also something about it which makes me feel cherished and loved. I’m not quite sure what it is that gives me that sensation. It was the perfect cure for my grumpy feelings.