Tag: sexualities Page 3 of 8

Terms Don't Dictate a Relationship

On April 6, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Polyamory

I’ve been trying more vigorously to finish Opening Up by Tristan Taormino which, if you don’t know, is all about non-monogamy. I started it months ago but have yet to finish it because I keep picking up other books in the meantime (mostly ones I have to review).

In Opening Up defining a relationship is emphasized, but not in order to box in or pin down a relationship (because the ability to revise or change the relationship at any time is also emphasized) but in order to make sure that everyone within the relationship is in agreement and happy with where it is and how it’s progressing and feeling and working.

Basically, communication is key, and though that’s true in every relationship it can be exponentially trickier in non-monogamous relationships to make sure that everyone is happy with everything that’s going on.

Part of successful communication can be coming to agreement on terms and labels used for certain interactions and activities. I like labels as long as they are recognized as flexible and subject to change. While terms don’t dictate a relationship one can use terms to define a relationship as close to accurately as possible.

Sometimes defining a relationship is a useful tool to use to check in with everyone in that relationship and make sure everyone is on the same wavelength. I’m over-explaining a bit, I realize, but I have a point to make, promise.

The reason I bring this up is because this morning I changed my FetLife profile information from reading “Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “It’s Complicated with MarlaSinger” in the “relationship status” portion and “Switches with Onyx93” and nothing defined with MarlaSinger in the “D/s relationship status” portion to what is below.

Little changes on social networking sites like this aren’t really a big deal in some ways, but they definitely do mark a change in the way I’ve been thinking about our relationship that I’m able to actually put that we’re in a relationship quite solidly. I do feel like we’re more solidly in relationship territory rather than the “getting to know you” or “friends who are interested in each other” territory which is where we’ve been for a while, even without the presence of gettin’ down and dirty.

I’m not really sure what the distinction between “In a Relationship and Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “In an Open Relationship with MarlaSinger” really is but I think it has something to do with the stages each of those relationships are in.

Onyx and I are very much set in our relationship, though that’s not to say we’re stagnant or unsatisfying. We’ve been together for about four years and have been living together for over two and a half of that. While we still have our bumps and explorations for the most part we’re really very solid in where our relationship is, which is also why we’re able to start branching out into other relationships. I am in a relationship with him and we are also polyamorous, that’s just how I see it.

Maybe part of the difference too is because Marla and I are long-distance and still exploring the beginning stages of our relationship. To me, indicating that we are in an open relationship also indicates less permanence in our relationship as opposed to being polyamorous in a relationship. That’s not to say our relationship isn’t permanent but it’s not as set as my relationship with Onyx because we are still discovering nuances and facets of each other that are new and unexpected and discovering the ways in which we fit together.

These are just the distinctions my brain is making between the two terms, of course, and I wouldn’t force these definitions on anyone else, they’re just what work for me.

We are still slowly progressing in our own long-distance way, which is really enjoyable and wonderful but also frustrating because, well, it’s long distance.

We’re constantly getting more sexual with each other, getting to that next step, moving beyond the “abstractly sexual” talk of toys and such to much more personal talk of desires and where we think we fit together. It’s fantastic, and I find myself fantasizing about being with her (my latest Microfantasy Monday post was in many ways inspired by her) but I’m also getting anxious for the next sexual step.

Neither of us seem terribly desirous of engaging in sexual activities online or on the phone, preferring to wait until we meet to explore the physical sexuality with each other, but the desire and the drive to do so is slowly becoming more and more apparent. This is definitely a good thing, but also a frustrating thing.

I’m confident that it will unfold in a way that works, though, and really have hardly any doubts or worries about the relationship and how it is progressing. It almost seems too easy sometimes, too perfect for my overlyanalytical brain to handle, but it felt like this with Onyx as well and look how that turned out…

Also, Marla wrote a delightful, adorable, and fantastic post on her blog that you should read in the same style as my five things that make me constantly and undeniably happy.

When Is Birth Control Exciting?

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 1, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Sex Blogging

I’m a little too excited about birth control at the moment.

Let me explain.

I’ve been using the Nuva Ring for almost two years now. I’ve tried various methods of birth control over the years since I first got on it including the depo shot which made me even crazier than I already was (depression, mood swings, etc.), a couple different pills, the patch just for a month until I realized I didn’t like it and was worried because I was too fat for it (if you’re over a certain weight the likelihood of getting pregnant on the patch increases), and finally the nuva ring.

I rather love the nuva ring. It’s easy an extremely easy to use and extremely effective type of birth control. Onyx and I are fluid-bonded, so we don’t use condoms or other barriers when we fuck. We went through the let’s get tested and make sure we don’t have to use condoms thing at the very beginning of our relationship and neither of us has had sex outside of the relationship since we got together. Especially since we don’t use condoms birth control is extremely important to both of us. We don’t want no babies.

Right after we moved here I had a lapse in my ring usage. I hadn’t gotten a new ring, I hadn’t gone to get a new prescription here, and we didn’t have the money for me to go get one anyway. This was no good. We had a lull in our sex life while waiting for me to get up on it again. We used condoms during that time the few times we couldn’t stand it and decided to have penetrative sex and we did oral, mutual masturbation, and various other non-penis-in-vagina-or-anus sex (since anal sex can get you pregnant I didn’t want to risk that).

Once we had money again I got back on the ring, we waited the week requisite post-insertion, and started going at it like bunnies yet again sans-protection. Last week came the time I had to remove my ring and today I needed to insert a new one.

Problem is, we’re out of money again and the clinic I went to last time charges quite a bit for a new nuva ring, three times what I was paying in Salt Lake City! I decided that I would go to the Planned Parenthood here instead, which I should have really just done in the first place, and try to get my information from SLC transferred to the PP here hoping that it would be cheaper.

As it turns out, and why I’m telling you all of this, I’m eligible for free contraception with Planned Parenthood! I should have remembered I’m back in a place that values reproductive health rather than avoiding the subject all together, but it’s difficult after living for two plus years in a place so backwards as Utah.

I went in on Tuesday, had a consultation today for contraceptives, specifically the nuva ring and also IUCs (IntraUterine Contraceptives–also known as IntraUterine Devices). I’ve been thinking about getting an IUC for quite some time, and have researched them and talked with another clinician about it not too long ago, but at the time it was way too expensive. I actually got kudos for having done my homework on IUCs from one of the women I talked to today, which made me happy.

Luckily, the free contraception extends to IUCs as well! I actually made an appointment for tomorrow to get Mirena implanted! Mirena is one of the two types of IUCs which has progesterone in her, but no more than the nuva ring, and lasts for five years. I’m thrilled at the idea of not having to think about birth control for five years!

Of course, with any new partners I will still insist on condoms and barriers to prevent against STIs, but since I don’t plan on having children in the next five years (if ever) Mirena seems like the perfect option!

I’m really probably more excited than I should be at the concept of getting this Mirena put in. But the idea of not really having to worry about the possibility of getting pregnant is just absolutely wonderful to me. While the ring isn’t really that difficult to remember to put in or take out on time for the most part having it go from a once-a-month issue to a once-every-five-years issue is pretty awesome.

Mirena also has the possibility of not just regulating my periods like most birth control methods but also of stopping them all together. So, no worrying about pregnancy for five years and (possibly) no periods? Maybe you see why I’m rather excited about this.

So, tomorrow I should be able to get it inserted. It’s a simple (but somewhat painful) procedure of slipping the device through the cervix into the uterus. It shouldn’t take too long, or so I’m told. The only downside is that I’m not supposed to have vaginal sex for a week or so after getting it inserted, though there’s other things we can do to pass the time.

I’ll definitely give some post-insertion information and experiences in the next week or so as well.

Finding the Next Step

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 24, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection

I’m afraid she’s losing interest, and I’m afraid it’s all my fault.

This may be my paranoid insecurities talking, ’cause, hey, I have lots of those, but Onyx and I were talking the other night about Marla, specifically Marla and me and our lack of long-distance physical sexual anything which is rather important to where we are at if we actually want to progress to anything further. We talk about sex and sex toys and the probability of sex while she’s here, but I’m horrible at flirting and I’m almost frightened to take things to another level because I’m afraid of it being… well, wrong.

My post the other day about when I said that the only thing “wrong” with her is that she’s a Top/bottom switch was supposed to be more telling about her (often scary) near perfection than it was about my actual feelings about switching and set roles or any of the other things I analyzed. I was basically trying to say that she seems to fit almost too well, and the only real flaw I have yet to find is that she does not live up exactly to the ideal I’ve been searching for, but, um, I’m not expecting anyone to because that’s a desire or fantasy rather than a reality.

I keep everyone at a distance. It’s difficult for me to let anyone in, but it’s much easier for me to write about things, so that’s what I’m doing. If something’s going too well my automatic reaction is to push away from it, examine it, try to figure out where it might go wrong so that I can buffer myself against the eventual perceived fall out. Of course, my perception often creates reality because then I’ve pulled back or detached which is a catalyst for what I was afraid of.

Everything’s so new with her, and everything feels so right I’m just waiting for the (in my head) inevitable proverbial other shoe, while also hoping that shoe never actually drops.

None of my pulling away has been conscious, really, either. I’ve forgotten to take my phone off of silent and missed some of her calls. Sunday I was in a really odd mood and wasn’t very communicative with her at all most of that day, which I feel bad about, but I had retreated into my shell, and I wasn’t even that communicative with Onyx who was only a few feet from me at most times.

When Onyx and I talked about this he kept reminding me that it’s my move, that I need to do something to show her that I’m interested, since she’s the lunger in this situation and I’m the lungee, which is a situation I don’t think I’ve really been in before. I’ve always been the lunger, and I’ve more often than not been squashed.

I know what I’d want in her situation, but as the lungee I don’t know how to initiate another level of contact, and I’m also not sure if I’m ready to move to that level for fear of failure. Either failure of me not doing the right thing or failure of our compatibility, because I want this blossoming relationship to be as wonderful as I imagine it will. However, I’ll never know how wonderful it actually is until we start interacting on more of a relationship-level than a friendship-level, if that makes sense. The problem is I don’t know how to initiate that.

I think the thing with us I’m most afraid of is not performing well sexually, not meeting her expectations of me and therefore ruin this entire budding relationship, or just generally messing up and being incompatible in that area. It seems silly, maybe, for someone who is actually relatively in tune with their sexuality, but before Onyx I really didn’t have that much experience aside from one-night stands and autoerotic interactions.

Logically, I should simply initiate a conversation into some sort of sexual area (and not a sexual area that is, essentially, “shop talk” to us sex toy reviewers), or at very least initiate some light flirting to let her know that I’m actually interested, as opposed to what I’ve been doing which has been small amounts of very reserved flirting and not answering her phone calls (though unintentionally!).

However, that’s always easier said than done, especially to someone who has a rather large fear of rejection (I know we all do, but mine is, well, large as it often is the reason behind me choosing not to go to a social event, but that’s a whole other thing… let’s say I don’t socialize much because of it). I try to put fear aside, and I think about saying these things while I’m on the phone with her, but the words don’t come out.

Onyx says that she’s waiting on me to show her I’m interested in more, because she’s given me all the signs that she is, but my reaction to her pulling back (which is probably actually a reaction to me pulling back) is to automatically assume that now that she knows me better she doesn’t actually like me as much, which may not make that much sense unless you’re in my paranoid, insecure, and overanalytical head. Sometimes I think my degree in Psychology is a hindrance rather than a help, though in this case it’s telling me that I’m the one fucking up here.

If only I could convince myself that taking that next step is the right thing to do. Of course, what would really help is if I could actually bring any of this up to her directly. I never claimed to be great at communicating, just that it’s important and I want to be great at it, but I often fail miserably. Then again, my blog basically is my way of communicating, so maybe this post will help.

Size & Sexuality Study – Holly

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 24, 2009

In Adipose, Size & Sexuality Survey

Image provided by Holly

This is the ninth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: luna[KM]
Read the second: icecoldbath
Read the third: Nadia West
Read the fourth: Dee
Read the fifth: E
Read the sixth: Callaigh
Read the seventh: Emily
Read the eighth: slf

Holly is a 25 year old Pansexual Femme who currently has one boyfriend but is looking to develop friendships that could lead to a polyamorous relationship). You can find her on her myspace page.

What size is your body?
I’m 5″ 7. about 300lbs. I feel (and have been told) that I carry my weight very well.

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I’m comfortable being naked (and enjoy it) most of the time. In my daily dress I enjoy looking sexy and wear clothing that other bigger girls might not be comfortable wearing. I no longer try to hide my curves, instead I accentuate them.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
Very much. Up until about 4 years ago I did everything I could to hide my body. Baggy clothes, sex with the lights off. Then I realized that my fat wasn’t going to disappear overnight and I had to learn to love myself the way I am right now.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Very, I love the connection involved with being sexual with someone. I’m fairly picky about my partners though because alot of the things I enjoy sexually requires a good connection and trust.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
This is probably the biggest change. I use to believe in waiting untill marriage and only having one partner in my life. As I got older I realized I could never be happy being with just one person, and that there are many people I could both love and be intimate with…and this is what would help bring me happiness.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
Extremely comfortable surrounded by the right people or alone.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
As a BBW I feel that there are many people who see my body as being very sexy, but since society still views thin people as being the sexiest many people attracted to BBW’s feel that they have to keep it a secret.

Reviews: Lesbian, Glass, Burlesque

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 21, 2009

In Sex Toy Love

My reviewing structure, as outlined in this post is that I post full reviews on my review site Wanton Lotus (RSS) and teaser reviews once a week here. I posting reviews on Wanton Lotus Tues-Weds-Thurs or some combination thereof depending on the amount of reviews I have each week. Fridays are supposed to be my promotion day on here (though I’m a little late this week), so here is the round-up of my reviews for the week!

Regard Indiscret Set Profile

Name: Regard Indiscret Set

Manufacturer: Bijoux Indiscrets

Contents: Black round hat tin containing black leather tasseled pasties, black feather boa, pearl belt/necklace, and three small round candles.

Rating: 5/5

Watch my video review of the Regard Indiscret Set here!

This is also the set featured in my Black Burlesque HNT this week, so I know you’ve been told this already, but I am giving away a set to one lucky commenter! Find out how here. Comment to win!

Melon Crank Dildo Profile

Name: “Melon Crank” Glass Dildo

Material: Glass

Manufacturer: Don Wands

Height: 6 inches from handle to tip, about 4 1/2″ insertable.
Thickness: 1 inch shaft, 1 1/2 inch head

Rating: 5/5

Watch my video review of the Melon Crank Glass Dildo!

Best Lesbian Erotica 08 Excerpt

…One reason why I’ve loved the Best Lesbian Erotica series for years is because the stories are always fresh and unique, exposing me to something new in each one…

The theme of Best Lesbian Erotica 08 is transgression. Tristan Taormino describes it in her foreword as not just the transgression that occurs when one comes out as queer and tells their own story, but a transgression beyond what is “normal,” expected, and acceptable. Each story keeps you on your toes, delivering “erotic surprises” (according to the back of the book) and taking you to new heights of depravity and delicious transgression…

Read the entirety of my review of Best Lesbian Erotica 08

Silouette

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 27, 2009

In Smut

Horizon and Windows by random letters used under a Creative Commons

The floor-to-ceiling windows allow the hues of sunset to cascade into the room, reds, pinks and oranges, enhancing the dim lighting. Her back is to me as she watches the horizon slowly change.

Her stance is wide, strong, and I desperately want to move toward her and separate the delicate folds of her with my tongue, find the right pressure and speed, pleasing her and tasting her. Instead I stay as I am, kneeling, watching her form shift against the hues of dusk sky. Her power radiates.

She turns, languidly, crossing her arms in front of her and tapping one black latex-covered finger against the opposite elbow. Though her face is still in shadow I can feel the grin that splits her mouth make me tingle.

She watches me watch her, my desire is written across my face for her to see. I keep no secrets. “All fours.” She says, and I quickly comply.

Before I can register her movement she’s behind me and her fingers are pushing inside of me, spreading me open, her other hand pressing my naked self forward, making me crawl with her fingers inside me toward the window.

She moves me forward until my cheek presses against the cool glass. A shiver runs up my spine either from the cold of the glass or the hot of my cunt, I’m not sure which, but I know she felt my reaction.

Her sharp teeth dig into the soft flesh of my ass as she adds another finger into my already dripping cunt, opening me up further around her, making me moan and squeal with pleasure as I thrust back against her fingers. She leans up and whispers in my ear, “Isn’t the sunset, beautiful, darling?”

I clear my throat to answer, but end up just feebly nodding against the glass, unable to find my voice.

She adds another finger and moves more insistently, each thrust going a little deeper trying to press as far into me as possible. I can feel her surrounding me with her dominance as her fingers penetrate my hot flesh. The sky before us darkens further, the red and orange hues fading to purple and blue.

Another lubed finger presses against my backdoor as the others still inside of me, opening me further for her, her toy to play with. She wiggles her fingers in my cunt as she adds a second finger easily into my ass, and I can’t help but grunt and thrust desperately back at her. My clit is on fire and I hope that she will let me come.

I hear her chuckle softly as she begins thrusting with both hands, alternating fullness and making me writhe, my torso would fall if I wasn’t pressed up so tightly against the glass. My cheek is wet with the moisture of my breathing.

She continues until I can’t stand it, I’m on the edge and unconsciously start rubbing my thighs together, rocking my pelvis, rubbing against my sensitive clit as I do.

Her knee knocks against my thighs, spreading them apart wider, keeping me open, not allowing me that release I need. She tsks and chuckles deeply before continuing her thrusting, my clit on fire with every movement.

“Please…”

“What is it, pet?”

“Please, let me come, please… my clit is aching for it… please…” My pleas turn desperate as her fingers move faster within me.

Her teeth dig into the flesh of my ass again, making me squeal with delight and pain. Just as quickly her fingers have left me and she slaps my ass.

“Turn over.” She says, and I quickly comply, too eager for my own good.

“Now, now, darling. The evening has just begun. I have much more in store for you.” She grins, standing and looking into my eyes as I lay on my back, open for her, missing her touch. I try to show her my need with my eyes, but nod as my mind races over the possibilities in her words.

She crosses back over to the window. The sky has cooled a bit, reds and oranges faded to dark pink and blue, but the outline of her is still visible contrasted to the light coming from the sky. I watch as she brings a glass filled with her favorite drink to her lips, her gloved fingers still moist with my juices.

Unsure of what to do, I watch her movements and then nearly jump out of my skin as the doorbell rings.

Size & Sexuality Study – Emily

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 26, 2009

In Size & Sexuality Survey

Number 183 from The Adipositivity Project

This is the seventh of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: luna[KM]
Read the second: icecoldbath
Read the third: Nadia West
Read the fourth: Dee
Read the fifth: E
Read the sixth: Callaigh

Emily is a 28 year old heteroflexible submissive female who is married.

What size is your body?
20/22 dress/pants size; 46 D bra size (American sizes)

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I would love to be smaller, but I’m not unhappy with my body. In fact, my Hubby thinks I’m a little too comfortable with it, as I love having my pic taken nude and would love to post them on the forums and profiles I’m a member of. He is more protective of my body and doesn’t allow me to post such pictures. He’s not ashamed of my body size, He just wants to keep it all for Himself.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
I’ve become much more comfortable with my body even though I’ve gotten larger, oddly enough. Maybe it’s age and/or maturity that’s made me more comfortable, but I think it also has to do with a certain former lover who used to force me to present naked before him so he could look at me. Until then I was modest- now I am very comfortable with how I look.
How important is sexuality to your life? Very- I identify as a submissive to my Hubby and want to please Him in any way possible- including in the bedroom (or out of it- wherever He wants). He loves that I am “heteroflexible” because it has opened up doors to our sexual relationship that, in His previous relationships, were always closed. I like that I am able to provide this for Him.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
Not a lot- I’ve always been a little nympho- even as a teenager and pre-teen. I have always known that I was attracted to both men and women, but was not able to act on the attraction to women until I was older and more comfortable with it (ie, less worried about what other people would think if they found out). One thing that has changed, but only due to having done research and gaining knowledge in the subject, was my belief as to what my sexuality was- I had no idea until just a few years ago that there was such thing as “heteroflexible”. I thought you were either hetero, homo, or bi. Therefore, I identified as bi, with the homo part “in the closet” because, not only was I not comfortable with it, but I was raised that homosexuality and, therefore, bisexuality was wrong, immoral. Now I realize that, though I am attracted to women sexually, I have no desire to have a relationship with them. This is why I now identify as “heteroflexible”. I still have issues with the morality of it, but I really can’t control who I’m attracted to and have not yet gained the will-power to deprive myself of my desires.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
I am very comfortable with expressing what I want, but sometimes am unable to get it because of my body size.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
hahaha…that depends on what website you go to. I have been told by many men that my husband is a “lucky man” to have someone so sensual and willing to do things I’m willing to do. However, these same men would never go to bed with me if given the chance. Though they love my attitude towards sex and sexuality, they do not find my body attractive. They can’t push past what I look like to get to the “I’ll do ANYTHING you desire”. (I know this because I’ve asked. They say “your husband is a lucky man” and I ask “would you sleep with me if given the chance?” Just a hypothetical, you know- not a come-on. It then becomes “your husband is lucky, but you’re not my type”.)

Also, you don’t see women my size being portrayed as “sexy” on TV or in books. The story line for characters my size often goes like this- persecuted all through high school/college because of size, have weight loss surgery or lose the weight through sheer determination and will-power, buy a skimpy little size 2 dress, go back and visit all the guys who have turned her down, rub it in their faces. Well honey, that’s just not reality. The rest of the world sees/reads that and thinks that it’s possible that I could someday be a size 2 and suddenly that have all this advice for me about how to get there. They don’t understand that this is NOT possible- because of my bone structure, I will NEVER be a size 2 (yes, I use the “I’m big boned” excuse). Also, they don’t realize that big can be sexy.

Anything else you would like to add?
Body size should not have anything to do with sexuality or sensuality. No- I am not able to get in every position illustrated in Kama Sutra, but I tell you what- the positions I can get in, I’m gooooood at. Body size vs. sex appeal should not be an issue at all.

Size & Sexuality Study – E

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 3, 2009

In Size & Sexuality Survey

Body & Soul by zkukkuiz used under a Creative Commons license.

This is the fifth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: luna[KM]
Read the second: icecoldbath
Read the third: Nadia West
Read the fourth: Dee

E is a 21 year old lady/girl who is “Pansexual with a preference for girl/lady/woman-identified people.” She is currently involved (non-monogamously) with a boy.

What size is your body?
It is small-to-average. I think it’s average, but most people think it’s small. My pants size is juniors 3-5-7, dress size 2-4, general size S or M. I am 5’4″ and around 110lbs with more thigh than I’d like, but generally rectangular in shape.

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
Not particularly. I’ve had body image problems for most of my life, if not all of it, but I am slowly growing to love it for what it is. I am not necessarily uncomfortable with the size of my body, I am mostly uncomfortable with the actual dimensions of it and the relationships of various body parts to one another.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
It has always been bad, but I’ve been putting a conscious effort into improving it over the last 6 years or so. I absolutely haven’t gotten to the point where I’m happy with my body, but I don’t detest it as much as I used to.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Extremely.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
I have always been extremely sexual. At first, I was uncomfortable with my sexuality because everything in the world tells girls they should not feel sexual or sexy or aroused Ever, and I definitely did, so there must have been something TERRIBLY wrong with me (I thought). By age 16, I was comfortable with my sexuality and comfortable in my skin, and I have been ever since.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
Extremely. Sexual situations are some of the few in which I feel comfortable as a physical entity.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
I mean, I’m a woman. Society’s favorite pastime is viewing female bodies as sexual. I have a a white, generally small-ish female body, which mainstream media seems to be into.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
Absolute opposites. I don’t like my body as an aesthetic object because of the way that society has influenced my self-perception (I think), but I am completely comfortable with my sexuality and with my body as a sexual object/entity/being/thing. I’m not sure how this arose, but I’m happy to at least be able to be comfortable with some aspect of having a body.

Rolling Around My Brain

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On January 28, 2009

In Gender Galaxy, Introspection, Site Specific

A few quick thoughts tonight. I feel like I have so much to write about and so much to do lately that I’m not really getting anything done, which irritates me. More posts to come!

I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote lately, from PoMoSexuals “Identity Sedition and Pornography” by Pat Califia p. 88 emphasis mine:

Just to set the record straight: I am a female-bodied person who writes about every kind of person I can imagine. Although I briefly contemplated sex reassignment when I was much younger, I decided that would not resolve my gender conflicts. I’m never sure if I have a gender dysphoria or species dysphoria. I often try to explain that I’m really a starfish trapped in a human body and I’m very new to your planet. Or that in fact I am a woman trapped in a man’s body, which really confuses other people but makes sense to me.

It’s fitting where I feel I fit, where I’ve felt for a while. The drag queen masculine femininity that I cling to, the femme fagette in me that is starting to come out even more. I’ve found a better way to express it lately I think, which is making me indescribably joyful, and I’m discovering more about it too, which makes me even more happy.

Onyx and I went into Babeland tonight and looked around. I pointed out toys I wanted, toys that are (hopefully) coming to me soon, and things like that. I had my first encounter with Mr. Bendy while looking at dildos and soft packs and he’s seriously lustable! I kind of (very much) want one, great for packing and playing, which I like.

I’m toying with the idea of packing more often, but as I primarily wear skirts and dresses I would need a soft pack or a cock like Mr. Bendy that will stay bent.

The other thoughts rolling around my brain is that Femmeinist Fucktoy isn’t resonating with me as much as it used to. It went down when I discovered my switchness however long ago, as fucktoy is a very bottom-centric term, and it’s gone down again now that fagette is a larger part of my identity as well.

I also don’t talk as much about feminist-oriented things as I thought I would when I started this blog. Granted, I do believe that talking about gender and sexuality is a feminist act, but that’s not quite the same as being a feminist blog.

My point in bringing this up is that I’m pondering changing the name, and therefore also the URL of the blog. It’s easyish to transition to another URL and name, but what I’m thinking of changing it to is Femme Fagette.

In talking with Onyx about this he mentioned that naming the blog after an identity might not be the best thing to do, as my identities tend to fluctuate rapidly. While I agree with that I feel like this identity will stay around for a while, but I don’t really know that for sure. Thoughts?

Size & Sexuality Study – Dee

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On January 27, 2009

In Adipose, Size & Sexuality Survey

Curvaceous Dee herself, courtesy of Curvaceous Dee

This is the third of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: Size & Sexuality Study – luna[KM]
Read the second: Size & Sexuality Study – icecoldbath
Read the third: Size & Sexuality Study – Nadia West

Dee is a 31 year old pansexual cis-female who is civilly unioned and with multiple partners. To many she is known via her blog as Curvaceous Dee.

What size is your body?
In New Zealand sizing I’m a 26 or XXXL. I think that in US sizing that’s a 22 or 24. My shape is more hour-glass than apple or pear – I have boobs and arse and thighs and belly, with a comparatively small waist. While I’m big, I’m big all over! I also weigh more than I appear to (I weigh over 140kg/300lb), and wear dress sizes larger than most people realise.

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I love my body, and my body size and shape. I’m very comfortable with how I look and how I feel.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
13 years ago I was much slimmer, and my size increased over a 2 year period. I spent four or five years unhappy with the changes and wanting to be slimmer again. It took me time to realise that a) this is my natural body shape (becoming vegetarian didn’t reduce it; exercising less thanks to migraines didn’t increase it), b) I’m not unhealthy at this size, and c) I look and feel great just the way I am! I’m fat, I’m sexy, and I’m damned happy that way.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Very!

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
I’ve always been quite experimental. However, in the past eight or so years I’ve gone from identifying as heterosexual, to bicurious, to bisexual, and finally to pansexual. At the same time I moved from (mostly failed) monogamous relationships to (mostly successful) polyamorous ones; and also discovered my submissive desires.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
Very – and participating in Half-Nekkid Thursday over the past year and increased my comfortableness even more.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Society in general? Fat and sexy seems anathema the majority of the time. However I’ve had nothing but positive feedback from partners over the past eight years; nothing but positive comments on my blog (and there’s been a lot of my body shown); and nothing but positive – or at least non-negative – responses from my local kink community.

Anything else you would like to add?
These are fascinating questions, and I’m very curious to see what other have to say. And that FAT IS SEXY – especially mine :)