Tag: relationships Page 7 of 12

Terms Don't Dictate a Relationship

On April 6, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Polyamory

I’ve been trying more vigorously to finish Opening Up by Tristan Taormino which, if you don’t know, is all about non-monogamy. I started it months ago but have yet to finish it because I keep picking up other books in the meantime (mostly ones I have to review).

In Opening Up defining a relationship is emphasized, but not in order to box in or pin down a relationship (because the ability to revise or change the relationship at any time is also emphasized) but in order to make sure that everyone within the relationship is in agreement and happy with where it is and how it’s progressing and feeling and working.

Basically, communication is key, and though that’s true in every relationship it can be exponentially trickier in non-monogamous relationships to make sure that everyone is happy with everything that’s going on.

Part of successful communication can be coming to agreement on terms and labels used for certain interactions and activities. I like labels as long as they are recognized as flexible and subject to change. While terms don’t dictate a relationship one can use terms to define a relationship as close to accurately as possible.

Sometimes defining a relationship is a useful tool to use to check in with everyone in that relationship and make sure everyone is on the same wavelength. I’m over-explaining a bit, I realize, but I have a point to make, promise.

The reason I bring this up is because this morning I changed my FetLife profile information from reading “Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “It’s Complicated with MarlaSinger” in the “relationship status” portion and “Switches with Onyx93” and nothing defined with MarlaSinger in the “D/s relationship status” portion to what is below.

Little changes on social networking sites like this aren’t really a big deal in some ways, but they definitely do mark a change in the way I’ve been thinking about our relationship that I’m able to actually put that we’re in a relationship quite solidly. I do feel like we’re more solidly in relationship territory rather than the “getting to know you” or “friends who are interested in each other” territory which is where we’ve been for a while, even without the presence of gettin’ down and dirty.

I’m not really sure what the distinction between “In a Relationship and Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “In an Open Relationship with MarlaSinger” really is but I think it has something to do with the stages each of those relationships are in.

Onyx and I are very much set in our relationship, though that’s not to say we’re stagnant or unsatisfying. We’ve been together for about four years and have been living together for over two and a half of that. While we still have our bumps and explorations for the most part we’re really very solid in where our relationship is, which is also why we’re able to start branching out into other relationships. I am in a relationship with him and we are also polyamorous, that’s just how I see it.

Maybe part of the difference too is because Marla and I are long-distance and still exploring the beginning stages of our relationship. To me, indicating that we are in an open relationship also indicates less permanence in our relationship as opposed to being polyamorous in a relationship. That’s not to say our relationship isn’t permanent but it’s not as set as my relationship with Onyx because we are still discovering nuances and facets of each other that are new and unexpected and discovering the ways in which we fit together.

These are just the distinctions my brain is making between the two terms, of course, and I wouldn’t force these definitions on anyone else, they’re just what work for me.

We are still slowly progressing in our own long-distance way, which is really enjoyable and wonderful but also frustrating because, well, it’s long distance.

We’re constantly getting more sexual with each other, getting to that next step, moving beyond the “abstractly sexual” talk of toys and such to much more personal talk of desires and where we think we fit together. It’s fantastic, and I find myself fantasizing about being with her (my latest Microfantasy Monday post was in many ways inspired by her) but I’m also getting anxious for the next sexual step.

Neither of us seem terribly desirous of engaging in sexual activities online or on the phone, preferring to wait until we meet to explore the physical sexuality with each other, but the desire and the drive to do so is slowly becoming more and more apparent. This is definitely a good thing, but also a frustrating thing.

I’m confident that it will unfold in a way that works, though, and really have hardly any doubts or worries about the relationship and how it is progressing. It almost seems too easy sometimes, too perfect for my overlyanalytical brain to handle, but it felt like this with Onyx as well and look how that turned out…

Also, Marla wrote a delightful, adorable, and fantastic post on her blog that you should read in the same style as my five things that make me constantly and undeniably happy.

Five Things

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 3, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Polyamory

…that make me constantly and undeniably happy.

In no particular order.

Two hour phone calls about nothing and everything that feel like they only spanned fifteen minutes.
Exchanging “I love you” in a mumbled half-asleep state while snuggled perfectly.
Silences when we have nothing to say, but aren’t awkward or uncomfortable, just there enjoying the others’ company.
Meeting for lunch mostly just to see each other in the middle of the day.
Sharing love with two amazing people, without restrictions or boundaries, but often with a good dose of overanalyzation. ;)

Toy Intimidation and How Couples Toys Changed Our Sex

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 2, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Sex Blogging

I’ve been reviewing sex toys for a fair amount of time now. Most of the toys I get aren’t as couples-centric as they sometimes need to be, and some of the ones that require a partner aren’t always used as much as others.

Since we moved out of our D/s dynamic and into whatever it is we do now (still figuring that out on some levels) Onyx has had more and more of a difficult time expressing his needs and wants. Being out of work and unable to find a job didn’t help, neither did my poor behavior as his “submissive.” That, along with the birth control mess-ups I talked about yesterday really impacted our sex life since we moved especially.

I took a little break from reviewing when I moved, mostly for sanity’s sake, but I returned to it with fervor once I got back in the swing of things. We’ve never really talked about sex toys, which is remarkable considering the amount of toys I’ve gotten over the last many months, and the other week we had a discussion about how they have affected our sex life.

In some ways, they’re enhanced it, but in others they’ve taken away. It always takes me longer to come from Onyx’s fingers than it does from a vibrator or my own fingers (though the vibrator usually wins) and we tend to have sex rather late at night when we’re both already tired so there’s limited time. Because we end up wanting it over with somewhat quickly I often finish myself off, usually with his fingers inside me because that’s what I love.

He had been feeling distant from my getting off, like he wasn’t necessary to the process, so he unconsciously started lessening his initiation of getting me off. Because he was getting me off less I was giving him head less, and so we were both denying the other something because of a sense of rejection. We both have big issues with rejection, so this isn’t something new but something we do work on and have been forever.

Part of this also had to do with the amount of toys I have been getting. It’s difficult for most people to view toys as a supplement to sex or a sex enhancer rather than a replacement for, and Onyx was having issues with this as is completely understandable. Problem is we weren’t talking about any of this.

Communication is key, and I know that, I preach that whenever possible, but it’s also extremely difficult which I also get. Neither of us is prone to communication, rather we tend to retreat into ourselves to try to fix problems and often don’t even realize when problems are happening due to our abundance of self-delusion when it comes to issues. It often takes us a few days to even figure out what’s wrong and then a few more days to start talking about it.

Our conversation started with me complaining that he never gets me off any more (though that’s changed since the conversation). We ended up talking about sex toys and the issues mentioned above, and came to the solution that I would show him how to use the toys on me better instead of me doing it. This may seem like a no-brainer, and he had used toys on me before, especially dildos but only sometimes vibrators.

This conversation happened only a few days after we had gotten the Liberator Ramp (click to read my review) and LELO Bo (click to read my review), two toys that are very couples-centric rather than solo-centric. They were part of the catalyst for the conversation, I believe, as I noticed his enjoyment of those two products and wished that he would enjoy other products as much.

This is not to say I don’t use other products on him like lube, dildos, harnesses and such, or we don’t use products together like crops and other BDSM toys, but it’s not the same. He’s never as excited about even the BDSM-centric toys I get in the mail, but he was pretty excited about the Ramp and Bo.

Point is, we talked. We communicated, after a long time of not doing so. Every time we talk about these things it brings us that much closer together, and I like that. Every time we have issues we always talk about them eventually and I think we’re talking about them more and more often rather then bottling them up and stuffing them back inside or ignoring them all together. This is very good.

Our sex since our talk has been better, as well. I feel more connected with him, more intimate, more engaged, all of which is wonderful. I’m sure we’ll continue to change and grow and become more open with each other, but we both have to undo decades of defense system self-training, and Onyx has ten years on me so he’s often a harder nut to crack and all that.

When Is Birth Control Exciting?

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 1, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Sex Blogging

I’m a little too excited about birth control at the moment.

Let me explain.

I’ve been using the Nuva Ring for almost two years now. I’ve tried various methods of birth control over the years since I first got on it including the depo shot which made me even crazier than I already was (depression, mood swings, etc.), a couple different pills, the patch just for a month until I realized I didn’t like it and was worried because I was too fat for it (if you’re over a certain weight the likelihood of getting pregnant on the patch increases), and finally the nuva ring.

I rather love the nuva ring. It’s easy an extremely easy to use and extremely effective type of birth control. Onyx and I are fluid-bonded, so we don’t use condoms or other barriers when we fuck. We went through the let’s get tested and make sure we don’t have to use condoms thing at the very beginning of our relationship and neither of us has had sex outside of the relationship since we got together. Especially since we don’t use condoms birth control is extremely important to both of us. We don’t want no babies.

Right after we moved here I had a lapse in my ring usage. I hadn’t gotten a new ring, I hadn’t gone to get a new prescription here, and we didn’t have the money for me to go get one anyway. This was no good. We had a lull in our sex life while waiting for me to get up on it again. We used condoms during that time the few times we couldn’t stand it and decided to have penetrative sex and we did oral, mutual masturbation, and various other non-penis-in-vagina-or-anus sex (since anal sex can get you pregnant I didn’t want to risk that).

Once we had money again I got back on the ring, we waited the week requisite post-insertion, and started going at it like bunnies yet again sans-protection. Last week came the time I had to remove my ring and today I needed to insert a new one.

Problem is, we’re out of money again and the clinic I went to last time charges quite a bit for a new nuva ring, three times what I was paying in Salt Lake City! I decided that I would go to the Planned Parenthood here instead, which I should have really just done in the first place, and try to get my information from SLC transferred to the PP here hoping that it would be cheaper.

As it turns out, and why I’m telling you all of this, I’m eligible for free contraception with Planned Parenthood! I should have remembered I’m back in a place that values reproductive health rather than avoiding the subject all together, but it’s difficult after living for two plus years in a place so backwards as Utah.

I went in on Tuesday, had a consultation today for contraceptives, specifically the nuva ring and also IUCs (IntraUterine Contraceptives–also known as IntraUterine Devices). I’ve been thinking about getting an IUC for quite some time, and have researched them and talked with another clinician about it not too long ago, but at the time it was way too expensive. I actually got kudos for having done my homework on IUCs from one of the women I talked to today, which made me happy.

Luckily, the free contraception extends to IUCs as well! I actually made an appointment for tomorrow to get Mirena implanted! Mirena is one of the two types of IUCs which has progesterone in her, but no more than the nuva ring, and lasts for five years. I’m thrilled at the idea of not having to think about birth control for five years!

Of course, with any new partners I will still insist on condoms and barriers to prevent against STIs, but since I don’t plan on having children in the next five years (if ever) Mirena seems like the perfect option!

I’m really probably more excited than I should be at the concept of getting this Mirena put in. But the idea of not really having to worry about the possibility of getting pregnant is just absolutely wonderful to me. While the ring isn’t really that difficult to remember to put in or take out on time for the most part having it go from a once-a-month issue to a once-every-five-years issue is pretty awesome.

Mirena also has the possibility of not just regulating my periods like most birth control methods but also of stopping them all together. So, no worrying about pregnancy for five years and (possibly) no periods? Maybe you see why I’m rather excited about this.

So, tomorrow I should be able to get it inserted. It’s a simple (but somewhat painful) procedure of slipping the device through the cervix into the uterus. It shouldn’t take too long, or so I’m told. The only downside is that I’m not supposed to have vaginal sex for a week or so after getting it inserted, though there’s other things we can do to pass the time.

I’ll definitely give some post-insertion information and experiences in the next week or so as well.

Craving Control and Lack Thereof

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 26, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Polyamory

Our life has settled far from where I thought it would when I first started this blog. Onyx and I were trying for an Owner/cuntpet relationship, which was originally the basis of this blog, along with erotica and such. We were struggling to work in that dynamic, both of us thinking that’s what we wanted. It just didn’t work. Neither of us are cut out for the roles we were trying to adopt, not with each other anyway.

We have found what works for us, which defaults to Onyx as Top and me as bottom sexually, but basically equals and often me in charge outside of sexual play. This is wonderful because this is what works. This works because this is how we fit together. However, I still want more.

I have all these fantasies that aren’t played out because he’s not the person who can give them to me. This is where poly comes in real handy, because one of the foundations of both of our desires for polyamory comes from the knowledge that one person is not necessarily going to fulfill every single need of another person. If that were true, no one would have any friendships outside of relationships (though some people do this, but… that’s a whole other issue). Most needs can be fulfilled, and for many the way to get the rest fulfilled is friendships, for others it’s other sexual relationships, etc.

Back to the original point, however. Onyx and I work so very well together on so many different levels, but anything more than a Top/bottom power dynamic just does not seem to work. We expect more from each other in that situation than either of us ends up giving, which just ends up blowing up and making us miserable. Here’s to getting out of that pattern!

However, I still have these desires for other types of power dynamics. I touched on this a little bit not too long ago, but I feel the need to go into it deeper.

I desire to serve someone who knows how to “put me in my place.” Someone who doesn’t tolerate my brattyness and makes me submit to them, not necessarily in a forceful way to break my spirit, but by sitting back and letting me know that resisting will just mean I don’t get what I actually want: submission, approval, to come, etc.

Someone who will give me tasks during the day, keep me on edge, give me constant reminders of our roles in subtle but demanding ways. Someone who not only wants me to submit to them but who wants to dominate me, who enjoys the challenge, who appreciates and respects me and my ideas but also knows how to talk as equals while also maintaining our power dynamic in the background. Someone who just feels right. Someone to be owned by, loved by, and cherished by. The fucking and coming and beating and moaning would all be icing on top of the power play connection too, of course.

Yes, I realize this is asking for a lot.

On the flip side, I also desire someone to control. Someone I can do the above to, who I can train to perfection and take pride in. Someone I can own and play with and all that other good stuff. Basically the same as above, but from the other side.

I want it all, of course, and often consider changing my name to Veruca Salt.

None of this is to say that I’m dissatisfied with Onyx and myself, or with what I imagine Marla and I will end up interacting power-wise. I simply want to experience all of these different dynamics. The ones above are just two of the possible ones, but the two that I’m currently wanting and not getting.

It’s strange, though, to be both sated and craving at the same time, but that’s how I feel. I’m at once content and desirous of more. Loving where I am, but hoping, ultimately, that I will find people to fit into the other needs I have in the future. It’s a strange place to be, but it seems my constant state: sated but wanting, content yet craving, happy with what I have yet greedy for more.

Finding the Next Step

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 24, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection

I’m afraid she’s losing interest, and I’m afraid it’s all my fault.

This may be my paranoid insecurities talking, ’cause, hey, I have lots of those, but Onyx and I were talking the other night about Marla, specifically Marla and me and our lack of long-distance physical sexual anything which is rather important to where we are at if we actually want to progress to anything further. We talk about sex and sex toys and the probability of sex while she’s here, but I’m horrible at flirting and I’m almost frightened to take things to another level because I’m afraid of it being… well, wrong.

My post the other day about when I said that the only thing “wrong” with her is that she’s a Top/bottom switch was supposed to be more telling about her (often scary) near perfection than it was about my actual feelings about switching and set roles or any of the other things I analyzed. I was basically trying to say that she seems to fit almost too well, and the only real flaw I have yet to find is that she does not live up exactly to the ideal I’ve been searching for, but, um, I’m not expecting anyone to because that’s a desire or fantasy rather than a reality.

I keep everyone at a distance. It’s difficult for me to let anyone in, but it’s much easier for me to write about things, so that’s what I’m doing. If something’s going too well my automatic reaction is to push away from it, examine it, try to figure out where it might go wrong so that I can buffer myself against the eventual perceived fall out. Of course, my perception often creates reality because then I’ve pulled back or detached which is a catalyst for what I was afraid of.

Everything’s so new with her, and everything feels so right I’m just waiting for the (in my head) inevitable proverbial other shoe, while also hoping that shoe never actually drops.

None of my pulling away has been conscious, really, either. I’ve forgotten to take my phone off of silent and missed some of her calls. Sunday I was in a really odd mood and wasn’t very communicative with her at all most of that day, which I feel bad about, but I had retreated into my shell, and I wasn’t even that communicative with Onyx who was only a few feet from me at most times.

When Onyx and I talked about this he kept reminding me that it’s my move, that I need to do something to show her that I’m interested, since she’s the lunger in this situation and I’m the lungee, which is a situation I don’t think I’ve really been in before. I’ve always been the lunger, and I’ve more often than not been squashed.

I know what I’d want in her situation, but as the lungee I don’t know how to initiate another level of contact, and I’m also not sure if I’m ready to move to that level for fear of failure. Either failure of me not doing the right thing or failure of our compatibility, because I want this blossoming relationship to be as wonderful as I imagine it will. However, I’ll never know how wonderful it actually is until we start interacting on more of a relationship-level than a friendship-level, if that makes sense. The problem is I don’t know how to initiate that.

I think the thing with us I’m most afraid of is not performing well sexually, not meeting her expectations of me and therefore ruin this entire budding relationship, or just generally messing up and being incompatible in that area. It seems silly, maybe, for someone who is actually relatively in tune with their sexuality, but before Onyx I really didn’t have that much experience aside from one-night stands and autoerotic interactions.

Logically, I should simply initiate a conversation into some sort of sexual area (and not a sexual area that is, essentially, “shop talk” to us sex toy reviewers), or at very least initiate some light flirting to let her know that I’m actually interested, as opposed to what I’ve been doing which has been small amounts of very reserved flirting and not answering her phone calls (though unintentionally!).

However, that’s always easier said than done, especially to someone who has a rather large fear of rejection (I know we all do, but mine is, well, large as it often is the reason behind me choosing not to go to a social event, but that’s a whole other thing… let’s say I don’t socialize much because of it). I try to put fear aside, and I think about saying these things while I’m on the phone with her, but the words don’t come out.

Onyx says that she’s waiting on me to show her I’m interested in more, because she’s given me all the signs that she is, but my reaction to her pulling back (which is probably actually a reaction to me pulling back) is to automatically assume that now that she knows me better she doesn’t actually like me as much, which may not make that much sense unless you’re in my paranoid, insecure, and overanalytical head. Sometimes I think my degree in Psychology is a hindrance rather than a help, though in this case it’s telling me that I’m the one fucking up here.

If only I could convince myself that taking that next step is the right thing to do. Of course, what would really help is if I could actually bring any of this up to her directly. I never claimed to be great at communicating, just that it’s important and I want to be great at it, but I often fail miserably. Then again, my blog basically is my way of communicating, so maybe this post will help.

Structures and Differences

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 12, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Introspection, Polyamory

Onyx and I have had many conversations since Marla came into the mix, understandably so. Sometimes things like these happen at the times you least expect them to, but they usually come at the right times for your life. The universe decided that now was the time for us to get a third or someone who may resemble a possible third or something similar, however it all works out.

These conversations have consisted quite a bit about our own relationship in addition to how Marla might fit in to that relationship. Basically we’re very open to whatever happens as far as her joining both of us or she and I foraging out our own relationship while she and Onyx getting to know each other and be friends as well. We kind of think the former is more likely than the latter, but it all depends on what happens and we aren’t going to put caveats on possibilities. She seems to be thinking along the same lines as us as well.

We’ve had many talks about how strange this all seems, how suddenly it has happened, how we weren’t looking for it to happen but it suddenly did. We’ve talked about how scary it is that it seems to all be working out so well and we all seem to be fitting in together. It’s not often that something comes along that feels so right.

Really the only thing that’s “wrong” with her is that she is also a Top/bottom switch (and I use “wrong” very lightly here). She and I had a conversation about that a bit tonight in which I don’t think she fully understood my meaning for a while. I’m not sure if she still understands what I meant by that, actually.

I went back and read through a few of my entries regarding switching, including the first one I wrote last summer, and I am amused at the changes that have happened since then. I wrote that I wouldn’t want to Top Onyx because I wouldn’t want to switch with one person but rather I would want to have set roles but be able to explore different set roles with different people.

This is still true to an extent, but not the extent that I don’t want to Top Onyx ’cause, well, that happens often. We’ve moved comfortably into a space where we switch freely. What is still true is that I do want to have set roles with different people, but those set roles can include switch. Maybe that seems counter-intuitive in a way, because how can switch be a set role, right? Basically what I mean is having a set role of a switch with someone means that you don’t have set roles, so it’s a bit of an oxymoron, but that’s the way I see it or at least the way I choose to label it, and I’m not sure if I made that clear.

I enjoy switching with one person. I enjoy switching with Onyx and I imagine I’ll enjoy switching with Marla, though our relationship hasn’t progressed to the physical just yet.

I think (and I could be wrong for everyone but at least for me) that switching with one person is mostly done on a Top/bottom level as opposed to a Dominant/submissive level or an Owner/slave level. This is opposed to switching with multiple people which would mean having different roles with different people–being submissive with A, an Owner with B, and a bottom with C for example.

Personally, I want to both be able to switch with one person and multiple people. Have set non-switch roles with some and switch with others. I’m pretty much up for whatever it is that works best with any given person I desire to have a relationship with.

The reason why Marla being a Top/bottom switch is something “wrong” with her (again, not really “wrong” just not ideal is more accurate) is because I already am with a Top/bottom switch and I have no outlet for other levels of power play. It’s not a bad thing or a negative in any way on her or on our potential for a relationship, but it’s a hindrance to something I’m desperately needing: power play.

This is not to say that Top/bottom play isn’t great, because it is, and I enjoy it immensely, but I also desire something more… permanent is maybe the best word? It’s difficult to use terms like this without sounding like I think that there is some inherent betterness to other forms of power play, but I don’t think that way. Power play is just one way to play and regardless of the permanence of the power (Top/bottom to Owner/slave) none is better except what works best for you.

That said, I do have the desire to work on different levels of power play, but I am also over trying to make my relationships to conform to something I want them to be, instead I just want them to be what they are. This may seem like a “duh” kind of attitude, but that’s what Onyx and I tried to do for so long: operate on a level that we didn’t work on. I didn’t really realize what I was doing at the time with trying to make us squeeze into that box, but now that I am aware of it I can try to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I’m open to whatever happens. I want to grow and explore with her and figure out what works right for us without putting limitations on it, and I think that’s what’s going to happen.

At the same time I also really want someone or someones I can play on a different power level with too. Basically: I just want it all.

Marla: an Introduction

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 12, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Polyamory

Number 220 from The Adipositivity Project

As many of you may know, someone has featured in mine and Onyx’s life more prominently in the last few weeks than she has before. Remarkably, we met originally on IRC quite a while ago, and I’ve always thought she was interesting and someone I’d like to get to know.

Unbeknownst to either of us, she started following me on twitter because of finding this blog and not because of who she knew on IRC. Eventually we discovered who each other were on both mediums, and we’ve been in light contact ever since.

About a month and a half ago we started interacting on a more regular basis. Before that we talked occasionally but mostly in passing. It started with me guiding her toward some toy review programs, and then kinda blossomed from there.

We’ve been talking more over the course of the last few weeks. At some point she confessed to having a “little queer crush on” me. At some point we exchanged phone numbers and started texting back and forth in addition to DMing (on twitter). At some point we started talking about her coming here in June. And at some point (about eight days ago) we started talking on the phone every night.

She and Onyx have been getting to know each other too, not to downplay their involvement, though it hasn’t been quite as substantial. We are all definitely still in the “getting to know you while also crushing” phase.

We’re both taking it slow and rushing it at the same time, in some ways, which is strange, but it feels really right (sometimes scarily right). Onyx and I have been talking about bringing others in to our relationship or having other relationships for a while now, and now this seems like something that might actually occur.

There is plenty more to say on this subject, and there will be plenty more posts regarding the three of us, both what has happened in the last few weeks and what is still to come.

Interaction

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 3, 2009

In Introspection, Sex Blogging

From someecards.

I tend to live in my head more than anywhere else, which can make it difficult to meet new people. I obsess over making good impressions so I often don’t say much when meeting someone for the first time and end up coming off either as shy or disinterested (and I think the latter more than the former). I generally prefer to observe others before engaging in conversation with them, as well, which doesn’t help.

The point being, I’m kind of terrible at meeting new people, and I’m kind of terrible at communication in general, I think. Writing is the way I communicate best, and I believe in communication with friends and lovers. I believe that it’s important, but sometimes it’s so damn difficult for me to get anything out.

This post was originally going to be about flirting, or my inability to flirt, but instead it’s evolved into interaction and communication in general, though also about flirting.

I think both my lack of flirting and communication abilities both stem from the same place: I’m afraid of my words being taken the wrong way, and sometimes I’m afraid of my words being taken the right way and my advances or assertions being unwanted or incorrect.

Everyone has these fears to an extent, but some have them more than others. I always admire the people who can speak their mind and who seem to have little disregard for what others think of them. I’m not that person, although I often wish I was. I care too much about what people think of me, and it pains me when someone dislikes me for whatever reason.

I came out as queer at a young age. I was the founder and president of my high school’s GSA and very out. I watched straight or even bi female friends of mine flirt with other girls, snuggle with them, kiss them, all the while wishing I could experience that but holding myself at arms length in fear of what they would think of me. I desired closeness in a friendly way, without any sexual overtones, just snuggling and exploration, but I was afraid if I attempted to join in they would think I was hitting on them.

It made me guarded, careful of what I said, worried at every turn that someone would take something I said the wrong way. I collapsed into myself and didn’t share that connection with anyone around me. I didn’t know many queer girls, and the ones I did had boyfriends or just generally weren’t interested, so that wasn’t something I could explore with them either.

The point of all this is I don’t think I know how to interact with others in a good way, and more and more I choose not to interact and to crawl deeper and deeper into my own fears and frustrations. The problem really is that I don’t know how to get out of it, and further that I’m afraid to try to get out of it because that could mean ruin.

Often, too, if I get close to someone I sabotage it by overanalyzing and becoming anxious about the interactions. I cherish some of the friendships I’ve made online, but they all seem temporary, and I know that’s mostly my fault.

I love Onyx but we are not enough for each other, we both need other friends and lovers to be in our lives. We’ve gone out and met people here, but nowhere near as much as we should have by now. Every time we go somewhere it’s a struggle because I push against it, even though I know that once we go out I will enjoy myself. I can’t seem to help my automatic aversion to the outside world.

It’s ironic, maybe, that the things I want the most–simple interaction, closeness, friends–are maybe the most difficult things for me to allow myself to get.

Size & Sexuality Study – Emily

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 26, 2009

In Size & Sexuality Survey

Number 183 from The Adipositivity Project

This is the seventh of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: luna[KM]
Read the second: icecoldbath
Read the third: Nadia West
Read the fourth: Dee
Read the fifth: E
Read the sixth: Callaigh

Emily is a 28 year old heteroflexible submissive female who is married.

What size is your body?
20/22 dress/pants size; 46 D bra size (American sizes)

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I would love to be smaller, but I’m not unhappy with my body. In fact, my Hubby thinks I’m a little too comfortable with it, as I love having my pic taken nude and would love to post them on the forums and profiles I’m a member of. He is more protective of my body and doesn’t allow me to post such pictures. He’s not ashamed of my body size, He just wants to keep it all for Himself.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
I’ve become much more comfortable with my body even though I’ve gotten larger, oddly enough. Maybe it’s age and/or maturity that’s made me more comfortable, but I think it also has to do with a certain former lover who used to force me to present naked before him so he could look at me. Until then I was modest- now I am very comfortable with how I look.
How important is sexuality to your life? Very- I identify as a submissive to my Hubby and want to please Him in any way possible- including in the bedroom (or out of it- wherever He wants). He loves that I am “heteroflexible” because it has opened up doors to our sexual relationship that, in His previous relationships, were always closed. I like that I am able to provide this for Him.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
Not a lot- I’ve always been a little nympho- even as a teenager and pre-teen. I have always known that I was attracted to both men and women, but was not able to act on the attraction to women until I was older and more comfortable with it (ie, less worried about what other people would think if they found out). One thing that has changed, but only due to having done research and gaining knowledge in the subject, was my belief as to what my sexuality was- I had no idea until just a few years ago that there was such thing as “heteroflexible”. I thought you were either hetero, homo, or bi. Therefore, I identified as bi, with the homo part “in the closet” because, not only was I not comfortable with it, but I was raised that homosexuality and, therefore, bisexuality was wrong, immoral. Now I realize that, though I am attracted to women sexually, I have no desire to have a relationship with them. This is why I now identify as “heteroflexible”. I still have issues with the morality of it, but I really can’t control who I’m attracted to and have not yet gained the will-power to deprive myself of my desires.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
I am very comfortable with expressing what I want, but sometimes am unable to get it because of my body size.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
hahaha…that depends on what website you go to. I have been told by many men that my husband is a “lucky man” to have someone so sensual and willing to do things I’m willing to do. However, these same men would never go to bed with me if given the chance. Though they love my attitude towards sex and sexuality, they do not find my body attractive. They can’t push past what I look like to get to the “I’ll do ANYTHING you desire”. (I know this because I’ve asked. They say “your husband is a lucky man” and I ask “would you sleep with me if given the chance?” Just a hypothetical, you know- not a come-on. It then becomes “your husband is lucky, but you’re not my type”.)

Also, you don’t see women my size being portrayed as “sexy” on TV or in books. The story line for characters my size often goes like this- persecuted all through high school/college because of size, have weight loss surgery or lose the weight through sheer determination and will-power, buy a skimpy little size 2 dress, go back and visit all the guys who have turned her down, rub it in their faces. Well honey, that’s just not reality. The rest of the world sees/reads that and thinks that it’s possible that I could someday be a size 2 and suddenly that have all this advice for me about how to get there. They don’t understand that this is NOT possible- because of my bone structure, I will NEVER be a size 2 (yes, I use the “I’m big boned” excuse). Also, they don’t realize that big can be sexy.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
I’ve become more comfortable with both over the years.

Anything else you would like to add?
Body size should not have anything to do with sexuality or sensuality. No- I am not able to get in every position illustrated in Kama Sutra, but I tell you what- the positions I can get in, I’m gooooood at. Body size vs. sex appeal should not be an issue at all.