Tag: relationships Page 11 of 12

Multiple Partners Survey

On March 22, 2008

Just filled out a Multiple Partners Survey for a research study on polyamory, here’s the info on it:

I’m doing a research project on the impact of poly culture on people who engage in multiple partner relationships. The survey is open to people who call themselves polyamorous as well as those who approach multiple partner relating in independent ways.

Here’s the link to the survey. Please take it and pass it on. Thanks.
Link: click here to take it

Thanks
Dr. Leanna Wolfe

I’m passing it on, it’s both well thought out and poly-friendly (as one would assume), and it didn’t take very long to complete at all. I figure some of you may be interested in taking it. I got it from a post in the Utah Polyamory Society group.

Will of Another

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 15, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

Why is it so difficult for me to push aside my will and ego and give in to another? Though… putting it like that, it kind of makes sense why, heh. It’s a difficult thing to do, especially for those who have spent time specifically building up those two things. I used to be a pushover, I’d do anything for anyone, and I tried to make everyone happy. I found out that by doing that I was hurting myself, and so I needed to stop. I learned how to stand up for myself, how to say no when I needed to, how to do what I wanted. I learned that sometimes the best thing to do is the most selfish.

And now I have to relearn all of that, to put his needs first before my own, and it’s difficult to unlearn something you taught yourself for years. And it took years for me to get here, and maybe that’s part of the reason why I shy away from people, too. I don’t know.

I need to learn this, relearn this. I watch others who do for others out of pleasure, and I wonder where that need in me went. It’s still there, to an extent, but I buried it in order to live. I love doing things for others, but I love doing them on my terms, at my own time, when I want to, and not regardless of my own desires, that’s what I have major issues with. It’s like that quote which I quoted long ago “I don’t think it should be up to me when I decide I want to be submissive and when I don’t want to be. ” This is my problem. I need to fix this.

Everytime I think I’m getting better, I’m not. He still insists that getting me to do anything is like pulling teeth, even though there are plenty of times when that’s not the case, but the times when it is the case are the times that are most notable. I often just wish I could slip into that as easily as others seem to be able, that it was more of a second nature than it is now, and I tried to get that to happen with us, am trying but not successfully, and it takes two, and I’m not sure either of us really knows how to do it.

I did something tonight, was difficult, not compliant, not going along with something because he wanted to do it and I didn’t. He said that he does that for me, when he knows that doing something will make me happy he will go along with it even if he doesn’t want to. I inferred from that therefore I didn’t do that ever, though I don’t think that’s exactly what he was trying to imply, and I said that. I do that too, but just not noticeably, because it’s not noticeable if you go along without saying anything when you don’t want to do it but the other person does.

I’m trying to get over my emotional blocks, I’m trying to be more submissive to him, but it’s also hard when he won’t Dominate me. It’s like he expects me to just submit to him without having to Dominate me, and that’s difficult for me. It doesn’t mean he has to force me to do things, just exert his will over me every once in a while, that’s all.

That’s not to say this is all his fault that I’m not submissive to him as he wants me to be. Of course it’s not, and that’s not what I’m trying to say. It’s my fault mostly, but there are aspects of his fault in it, so it’s just a big mess. I’m not sure what to do sometimes, and need a little guidance. Or, I do know what to do, but it’s sometimes hard for me to just do it without being lead a bit.

Needy Me

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 14, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

I think I need some things to change, at the moment. I feel like we are not doing as much as I would like, but we are both busy, so where do we find the time, how do we find the time? We need to make time, I guess. I feel like we haven’t done much extreme for a long time. I want to be tied up, I want him to tie me up and tease me and then leave me there, bound, gagged, and instruct me not to move.

Why is it easier to submit to strangers online than it is to submit to the man I love? Not that I do that too often, or hardly at all, really, but I found myself desiring it, just the easy anonymous submission, without having to think of future ramifications, without having to think about what people might think or say or how they might act around me differently. Though, I don’t think that Owner would act differently around me if I was to always submit fully to him, instead of what I’ve been doing, which is erratic and often bratty.

I’ve been wanting to be dominated lately, to just be used, taken, played with as a toy instead of as a person or human or even pet. Perhaps that’s another aspect of my cuntpetness is the Owner/toy aspect of it. I love being treated like a toy, being put into the place where I don’t have to think about anything, just being manipulated and molded by the will of another. I ache for that, and I’ve been wanting it a lot lately. Of course, instead of just saying this to Master, I just act more bratty and irritable, subconsciously hoping that he will take me in hand, so to speak. Needless to say, this doesn’t work.

Why don’t I just up and say something to him? Well, honestly, I think I’m rather shy about stuff like that. I have this fear of expressing things that are real, a fear of exposing myself to others, which is really why I’m attracted to submission in the first place. I long to be able to be exposed, raw, and bare, and for it not to matter. I care too much about what he thinks, and I’m too paranoid about getting hurt or about him not taking something the way I mean it, or about him not taking something I say seriously enough, or taking it too seriously… and so instead of saying things I just close off, shut down, until I am irritated and he’s confused.

The solution is obvious, but how to get to the solution, that’s the problem. It’s so difficult for me to say what I have and do already, I’m not sure how much more I really can express, and yet I know I need to. More than anything right now, I just need to be used and ass fucked would be nice too.

I Don't Want to Win

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 5, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

So, over the weekend, a few things happened. Master and I had a long talk about issues, like the last post about us. I’ve been extremely resistant lately, more than I would like to admit to. We are finally moving forward in our M/s relationship, we have guidelines, we have structure, and still I resist, and even more strongly, even though I was the one to encourage the changes. I can’t help but wonder about myself in these regards. I was the one desiring it, and yet still I’m the one resisting. How much sense does that make? And, yet, knowing what I do about psychology and about myself, it makes a lot of sense.

As mentioned previously, I’m a control freak. I love being in control, and yet I have the desire to be broken, but not permanently broken but… a temporary breaking. It’s hard to explain. I have such a tight rein on myself most of the time that makes it very difficult for me to give that over to another, while at the same time longing to be able to. I think that a lot of it, too, is I need to know that he is worthy of it, not only that he is worthy but that he can best me. I said this, and it confused him.

We talk a lot about equality, and he said that me wanting him to best me was counter to that, and I agreed. The funny thing is, I want equality except for when we’re not equal. Better to say, really, is I want equity. I want us to be unequal but of equal worth, sort of, while still being able to be called a dirty whore and lovely things like that. I want to be below him while both of us honoring both of our positions, not just his, both of us knowing that we are both to be cherished, that we are both of equal value and worth while at the same time he having power over me. I want us to be inherently equal, but unequal by choice. Perhaps this makes sense.

I recalled to him a story I once read, which was a morning-after story, basically, after a weekend of strict M/s. The high protocol was over from the night before, but the submissive was still acting as if she was in high protocol, just automatically. She did a few things and then took a step back and went “wait a minute, I don’t need to do this” and so she stopped. The story went on from there, but this is the important part.

I want to be able to do that. I want to get to a place where I am essentially broken though broken in a way that still retains my core self) and then be able to have that realization moment and move back into the “me” space, slip back into low protocol, and have high protocol my automatic motion. Currently it is the opposite, and currently it is almost painfully difficult to move into high protocol. Hopefully this will change with what I talked about last time, but we shall see.

This may sound harsher than I mean it, or it may sound wholly unrealistic, but I don’t think it is, not in the way I mean it anyway. It’s difficult to explain, perhaps, and I’m not even sure I’m getting the meaning across, but I’m trying to.

Basically, I need to know that he is better than me, that he can best me at any time, that he is above me, that he can master me with all the implications that term can have). I need to know this in my being before I can be completely his, completely owned by him, and I’m not sure I know this.

I know he is human, I know he has insecurities, but these aren’t the things which make him fall short of this, it’s the other things, the little things. I’m extremely sensitive to little things. I obsess. I nitpick. I endlessly play scenes and past scenarios in my head and pick them apart. I know that if I wait long enough, he will give up. If I am stubborn enough, I won’t have to do whatever it is he asks, because I will win out, I will be the stronger one, I will be victorious. I don’t want to win.

I’m working on this. I’m working on letting go, on giving myself over, but I’m not sure I will be able to allow myself this until I know that he can master me, not just that he can Dominate or Own me, though in a way that he is worthy of Owning me, and that may sound conceited, but it’s true of anyone. To be a Dominant, to be an Owner of someone else you ~~must~~ should be able to prove to them that you are worthy of owning another human being.

This is not to say that I don’t think he is wonderful. This is not to say that intellectually I think he isn’t worthy of owning me, but none of this is coming from a place of intellect, and this is where the problem lies. I have a great trouble controlling my automatic emotional reactions, and these are them. It has taken me a long time to get to this, years, really. I have been trying to write all this for about a week and have been mulling it over in my head for longer. I love him desperately, and I desire to be owned by him, and I desire to be submissive to him, and I desire to be the perfect little slavepet, but I have all this blockage inside that I have to work on and remove first.

Realizing this is the first step to breaking it down. I am amazing at keeping things from myself when I want to. I know that the brain will do this automatically, keep things from your conscious mind so that you can cope with them, deal with them, usually if they are traumatic or somehow shocking. This is a natural thing for the brain to do, but I feel like mine does it more than most.

Perhaps I am just so sensitive, that having the answer shoved at me instead of getting to it gradually and having to actually work at getting the answer would cause me shock. And this is probably true. It’s a water sign thing, really, and I know people who do this more than I do no names mentioned, of course, I could definitely not be talking about my old roommate Chris–yes I’m still bitter), so I’m somewhere on the end, but not quite at the extreme. At least I am trying to dig down and figure these things out.

This realization will do good for us, as all internal realizations have and will. We are wonderfully devoted to each other’s growth and discovery of self, and without that encouragement and the pushing that we each put on the other I don’t think we would have come nearly as far on our own as we have together. This is basically what our composite chart says, over and over, now that I think about it, lol. I’ll have to post that sometime.

Not On My Terms, Please

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 4, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

I had a dream two nights ago that I was being punished. My subconcious apparently needed me to feel worse about things, or maybe it was something which was meant to snap me out of my resistance, I’m not sure. It did make me realize a few things.

One thing I’ve been wanting to write on is something which illustratedtart said “I don’t think it should be up to me when I decide I want to be submissive and when I don’t want to be. ” Now, this is something I’ve been strugging with for a while. I have difficulty (as I’m sure everyone does to an extent) with giving up control. I love being in control, in fact, I am a control freak. I mentioned this to Master while we were talking about things like this and he said “you are? really?” all sarcastic-like. We know this, we know I have an overwhelming need to be in control in all situations. This makes M/s difficult for us.

Neither of us are yet concrete in our roles, we are both insecure for many reasons, and while we do try to “fake it until we make it” as it were (with tons of communication, of course) it is often difficult. I have been resisting his leadership lately, for various reasons, mainly because of the reason above, that he pulls me out of something I’m doing in order to do something he’s wanting me to. This should not be as big of an issue as it is. I think this is one of the issues with being 24/7 and living together, and eventually this will flow more easily, but for now we are still choppy. If we didn’t live together we could have time to mentally prepare before going into high protocol.

We are (basically) in low protocol all the time. High protocol, however, is difficult for me to slip into on a (his) whim, and so our solution is that we are going to have set times which we are in high protocol, rather than just having it happen whenever. I mean, we would still be able to have it happen whenever as well, but Master and I have decided that it would be best to give me a warning sort of thing, like “In 5 minutes we will be going into high protocol, slave” and then I will be able to finish whatever I’m doing and be ready when I am expected to.

Eventually, this will not be needed, but for now I am needing this in order to get to a space where I can be comfortable. It will still not be on my terms, and I will still not have control over it, but I will have the ability to be mentally prepaired for it, and that will give the illusion of control (sort of, mentally, if that makes sense), and that will help greatly with my resistance (in theory).

Master decided that for approximately 30 minutes after he gets home (or I get home, whoever gets home last) we will be in high protocol, and he will let me know his ETA and such. Our other set time is going to be Sundays, but he has not decided on a time. I think that weekend nights which we are alone for should be included in that as well, but we shall see. It will depend on other factors too.

I’ll update later about how this works. We have not done this yet. There will be more about the weekend later and what has lead up to this.

Unhappy.

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On January 5, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

Onyx and I had a fight last night. We don’t have them often, but when we do they’re always about the same thing: I’m not getting what I need from him. He agrees, and isn’t getting what he needs either, but he ignores it and can ignore it for longer than I can. We talked, a lot. It wasn’t exactly a fight fight, it was just me being upset and then that leading to us talking. It wasn’t the greatest idea, we dropped molly and I got a negative reaction to it and he was rolling, so I secluded myself downstairs. I feel bad about it, it was K’s last night with us and I holed myself up, but I’ll explain and apologize next time I see him. Though, also, Becky is here visiting and I felt bad about not being around as well, but Onyx and the K’s were all hanging out with her and so they were all rolling and having a good time, so I don’t feel too bad about it. I’ll explain to her as well today.

It’s a lot of the same stuff as in other posts I’ve posted, and posts I haven’t posted. It’s the same needs as always, the same problems as always, and I don’t know how much more I can take. I am so tired of bringing these things up, I just want it to work, and it isn’t and doesn’t. I wonder if we are not meant for each other like I’ve always thought. We are so compatible, but we can’t seem to motivate each other. This is not just his fault, and I recognize this, and it’s easy to point fingers… meh. Now I’m hurt and still a little angry, and I don’t want to face my friends upstairs, I just want to cower down here and pretend nothing happened. But that’s not a good idea. I have to go to work for a few hours. I’ll tell Becky about it after I shower (maybe). I will talk with Onyx more tonight. This will all be figured out. Will it change? I’m not sure. But, then, I’ve changed my going to the gym, maybe I’m just a catalyst for change at the moment. Maybe this will work.

Power Drag

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On November 29, 2007

In Discourse, Power Play

This is just a draft, I’m working on organizing my ideas of this, once I get it down perfectly I’m going to post it to communities and such.

This concept was actually the idea of Lisa Diamond, Ph.D, a professor of mine here at the University of Utah. We were talking about BDSM in my Gender and Sexual Orientation class yesterday, and this is a concept which she came up with.

What does it mean?
The term “power drag” is playing on the same idea as gender drag is, most notably Judith Butler’s idea of performativity, that all gender is drag, all gender is constructed “woman is to drag not as original is to copy, but as copy is to copy. all gender is drag” (paraphrased). This does this by showing that gender is simply a performance, and regardless of the body that masculinity or femininity is placed upon it is still masculinity and femininity.
What power within BDSM and specifically D/s or M/s relations does is emphasize the power dynamics between the two people, going to one extreme of power, with absolute power and absolute submission, it is showing that power is a performance, and without an exchange of power no power can be gained or lost. Power drag shows that there is no natural power dynamic between people just as there is no natural gender.
However, just as one cannot escape gender, one cannot escape power dynamics either, but power drag brings awareness to the power dynamics between all people, not just people within BDSM relationships. It shows the constructedness of “natural” power, such as white dominance or male dominance, even when it is a white male dominating a non-white female there is still a choice being made as opposed to blindly accepting the dominance of the white male. Most obviously this constructedness or non-naturalness is shown when a female dominates a male or when a non-white person dominates a white person, or any other inequalites (age, class, ability, etc.).

Why is it important?
By exposing the non-naturalness of power dynamics between people we can begin to play with power (though we in BDSM have been doing that for a long time now already) and we show how power is fluid, and power dynamics can change from moment to moment. The realization of power drag could help both with keeping roles within relationships strict or being able to relax the usually strict roles within our relationships.

Gender drag is to Gender as Power drag is to Power?

What else? I’m sure there’s more I can/should talk about. What kinds of questions do you all have about this? What else should be included in a conceptualization of power drag? What else do I need to discuss?
This is so huge and I’m so excited by it that I don’t quite know how to cover everything or what I’m missing.

Anniverseries

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On November 18, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Tomorrow is Master and my two year collaring annaversery.

Some other important dates (mostly so I’ll remember them, I couldn’t remember what day our annaversery was without looking at this):
Day we first started talking: January 10th, 2005 (he sent me porn)
Day we first had sex (online): January 23rd, 2005 (so hot)
Day we met face-to-face: July 28th, 2005 (also very hot… we hardly got out of bed all weekend)
Day He collared me: November 19th, 2005 (tricked me with giving me chocolate as my “surprise” first, then gave me the collar later that night)
Day I moved to SLC: August 28th, 2006
Day we signed our M/s contract: March 10th, 2007

I think that’s it…

The Past Week (aka Relationship Work for the Week)

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 28, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

This will make slightly more sense if you’ve read this first. This is the results of that post, or, what I did after that post, really, and what Master and I have been working on since, and etc. This is basically what has come of me getting all these frustrations out in the open, and what we have done, and how we are progressing.

Tuesday
After I posted the long complaining entry (and before work) I sent Master a series of rather long text messages describing what I wrote in there, for the most part. That was a venting of frustrations and emotions which lead me to be able to communicate exactly what I am actually wanting. Anyway, I sent him text messages, and mentioned for him to think about it, mull things over, etc. He replied that he thought rules and regulations were a good idea to set down as well.

Kat called me during work, and so I called her back afterwords. We had a good long talk about things, and I think I elaborated on the situation better to her on the phone than I had in my entry. We talked, and she validated my concerns in many ways, and it was very nice for both of us, I think. Getting off trax and heading to the bus stop I realized that Master was there at the bus stop, we met there mostly by accident. It was later than I usually get off work, and he had taken a different route home since he had missed the bus he would regularly take. So I said goodbye to Kat and Master and I began talking.

We were alone at the stop, so I ended up bringing up just about everything, but mainly focusing on what I needed and what I thought would help us change. He agreed on all points, and we agreed that we needed to change, which we come to over and over. I expressed by frustrations and my concerns about if things would even change and he expressed some of his concerns and frustrations, all and all it was good. He decided that he would make rules for me, and we got to a good place, but there was still more I wanted to talk about, but we had to get on the bus, and then I had to make dinner and our roommates were there, and then I had to do homework, so we didn’t quite get the opportunity to talk about everything that night.

Wednesday
We talked more Wednesday night, longer and much more in-depth. I cried, I expressed all sorts of concerns, he listened, he agreed, he contributed too (I swear this wasn’t all one-sided–though I mentioned how I felt all the work has been on my side and that I know he’s done some work but I’m always the one who brings it up, etc. He agreed). It was a very good conversation, and got out a lot of irritations and problems and fears and let them bubble on the surface for a while instead of under the surface.

He told me he had been working on a list of rules/regulations/expectations, and that they should be done Thursday, and that he would give them to me. He also told me he was working on a list for himself as well, and I told him I wanted that one as well and that we could help each other stay on track. Although the majority of the responsibility is on him, and we talked about this, I can also help to keep us on track, and it will be easier to do this now that I’m knowing what he’s wanting specifically, though I’m still worried that this isn’t want he wants, and this is something I’ve expressed to him numerous times. I reminded him that he should talk with Kat, that this would be good for both of them if they would, and he agreed.

Thursday
We didn’t talk much about it Thursday, but he gave me his list of expectations kinda lateish that night, I was working on homework most of the night, and once I was done he gave them to me. He’s still working on the list of his own. I read over it, but we didn’t really talk about it, I wanted time to think about them, read over them again, formulate questions, etc.

Friday
I tried to do all as I was instructed, and did rather well, he told me. I had a few minor infractions, but that’s normal. I’m still prone to irritability and he doesn’t want me to take it out on him when I am, and I’m trying not to… we started our horror movie marathon that night, and I did for him as he requested. It was really nice, though there were times I felt threatened by my roommate, as she did things for him that I was going to do sort of thing, but that’s my issue. I’m just so unstable in my role that any little thing is threatening. It’s irrational, really, as I know that just as I don’t want another Master he doesn’t want another pet, (though play partners is something else) but I’ve recognized the source of it and understand it and the more secure I get the less it will bother me, so I’m not worried, just need to work with it and get through it.

After the movies I was very tired, but we fucked anyway. It was quick as we were both tired, but it was wonderful, and I came a few times.

Saturday
We woke up kind of late, not too late, and fucked twice. It was great. He pinned me down at one point (which I love), and it was just amazing and perfect, and he initiated it (twice in a row too ’cause he did last night) and there was a sort of catharsis in the fucking that morning, more so than the night before, probably because we were both sober this time, I’m thinking, and we could get to that level of power exchange that we couldn’t when we were drunk. It was wonderful.

We then went to Long Life Veggie House, which is currently my favorite Chinese restaurant. It is all vegetarian, but they have fake chicken and such, much like my other favorite Chinese restaurant, Shanghai Cafe. LLVH has breaded strips of chicken for their lemon chicken and sweet and sour chicken and it’s so yummy and reminds me of when I was a kid, plus they have brown rice… anyway, off topic. He took the majority of the rest of the fried rice when I wanted more, and I was going to point it out but decided to keep my mouth shut because he could take what he wanted, and leaving me any was nice of him, it was his decision, and this is what my thought process was, which is HUGE, and not something I would have thought probably even the day before. I wanted to point it out to him, too, but I didn’t, because that would be like bragging about how good I was, heh. So I just kept my mouth shut and took what he had left me. I felt really good and happy about doing that. I felt like we were finally getting somewhere with this. I felt like I was finally doing right.

We came home and continued our horror movie marathon and I did as he told me all through the night, and was only difficult a few times, though a few times too many according to him, of course. I was trying, though, and got irritated a few times, I don’t remember why really. It was good, though. We went downstairs and watched an episode of House and decided we were too tired to fuck.

Sunday/Today
I woke him up by stroking his cock and he ended up cumming in my mouth. I made pancakes for breakfast and then some nachos since we weren’t quite full from the pancakes. We watched Firewall and cuddled and he had me do things for him, as he had the last two days, like get him drinks and whatnot. He made me give him some of my lemon sour fruit salad candy even though I had saved those for last and when I said so he said that therefore I should be honored to give them to him, since I thought they were the best. I just shut up and gave him two of the four that were left. After the movie I came down here and have been working on this entry.

I guess in some ways it doesn’t seem like we’ve changed, but internally it does. I actually feel submissive to him. He’s making me feel like a cherished pet, which I need, and a filthy whore, which I crave. I’m feeling more like his than I have in a while, and it’s wonderful. Thank you, Master, for changing this with me.

On the Right Path

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 10, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Master and I began doing more M/s stuff last night. He did, rather, and it was rather sudden, I was not expecting it. He told me to go make him a drink, but he always does that, but I took too long for him, and he tugged me out of bed by my legs and pulled at my hair and told me that I needed to do it when he told me to and not put it off.

When I came back with it he told me to kneel and present it to him like a slave. It wasn’t a big thing, really, but it took a lot for me to do it, and I don’t know why. I think I just wasn’t used to it or expecting it, I was surprised and taken aback and not ready for the change. I mean, we had been talking about it, and he was reading around bestslavetraining.com and we had been talking about the slave training book I got as well, but I wasn’t expecting him to do it right at that moment. I was just shocked, but that was just the start.

After that we went upstairs, I was partially upset and just grouchy in general because I wasn’t anticipating what was going on. I made him another drink and he told me that I am to present everything I make for him to him like a slave. I kind of freaked. It was mostly just not anticipating, and it was partially just surprise, and going too fast, or faster than I was expecting. It was odd, and I didn’t think I would have such a reaction, and I don’t know why I did. I just got awkward and quiet and ended up crying a little. Part of it, I think, is that I was feeling like we had just started something new but somehow I was fucking up already, I wasn’t doing it right, I wasn’t pleasing him, I was just messing up. I was a wreck for a while there.

He helped me through it, though, somewhat at least, and I helped myself through it. He eventually snapped me out of it by telling me that I would do as instructed to show that I wanted to be his slave. He had asked me if I wanted to be a slave, and then if I had wanted to be his slave, and I answered yes to both. He told me to present it to him to show him that I wanted it, and so I did, with a bit of tears in my eyes I did. I don’t know why it hit me so hard, but it did.

After that, though, it was like it was the most natural thing in the world, to do what he told me, to kneel and present him with new drinks, with food, to bend to his will, and to do for him. He made me feel precious, cherished, and also like his slave. Truly. And I loved every second. I loved him even more last night than ever before, if that’s possible. He made me feel just what I’ve wanted to, and I knew at the same time he was opening up, in a sense, he was letting me in, he was letting me put him first, and he was accepting that role. It felt perfect.

We spent the night like that, and then came downstairs and had sex, the normal kind of sex we have, which generally involves some verbal yummyness and him Doming me, but this time it was slightly different. I was more open to him, in a way, I just kept looking at his face, in all the pleasure, and realizing more and more my love for him. I was enamored with him, infatuated in that moment, more than I have been possibly ever. I was amazed, in wonder, in shock still a little, and extremely happy.

Today, we’ve been keeping the same dynamic, but we haven’t really done much, but that was okay. The underlying is there, but we didn’t do much that required the set things like that to be incorporated. I’d like to do more kneeling for him, sitting at his feet, resting my head on his thigh sort of thing, but more will come as we change and grow.

I already know we’re on the right path.