Tag: poly Page 4 of 6

Scared

On April 26, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

What do I have to be scared of? What am I so nervous about things? What is it that triggers these feelings of worry and doubt in me? Why can’t I figure that out?

We all talked today, reassuring the others that our abandonment fears will not come to pass, as best we can for being sensible people who don’t believe in “forever.”

First Onyx and I talked, got to the root of some of the issues, and then we talked with Marla via phone while I cut his hair giving her a bit of a re-cap of our talk while also allowing Marla and Onyx to talk about where they are with each other. I encouraged the talk to be between the two of them, and I think they got more out of it than I did in some ways. Maybe I’m blocking myself from feeling good about this?

I’m not sure what it was, but something cut into me, and now I have a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat telling me something isn’t right. If I knew what triggered this I would talk with them about it, but I can’t pinpoint what it was that has made me so uneasy.

The thought has crossed my mind that it may be much simpler if we weren’t trying to be a triad, if they were separate loves of mine and I didn’t have to deal with them interacting with each other. I wouldn’t mind sharing them with abstract others, even others that I know personally, but I wouldn’t have to witness or participate in their interaction and I would feel better about it.

I think this, but I don’t think it’s true. I also don’t want to deny them the opportunity to be with one another, since they are both so wonderful and I know the three of us will fit so nicely if I can get over this damned insecurity gnawing away at me.

I want to participate in their relationship, I want to experience it and be a part of it, and I want these two people I love quite deeply to find and experience that same deep emotion for each other, but at the same time I’m scared. I just need my automatic emotions to catch up with my brain and my heart.

In my brain and heart I want this triad to work, I want them to grow closer and I want the three of us to find how we work together, but there are moments like these where the fear grips me and I worry about all those little things that could go wrong.

I’m not sure what it was that set me off today, which is the most irritating part. I was happy and loving the way that things were going, but we all got on the phone together and something fell apart in me and made this pain in my chest that won’t go away. I want to talk about this, but I don’t know how to talk about it with Onyx or Marla because I don’t know what the cause of it is yet. Hopefully I’ll figure it out, possibly in the shower.

I’m writing this while I should be showering, and during which I got a most amazing, sexy, and delicious text message from Marla. I feel bad because I don’t think I appreciated the message as much as I would have without this pain, but that doesn’t mean I won’t save it for another time when I do.

Maybe I’ll use the images presented in the message to get myself off in the shower, making myself feel better and distracting myself from the pain so that I can come back to it and overanalyze it with a clear head. I think that might just be the perfect thing to do.

On the Transition from Mono to Poly to Triad

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 24, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

Onyx and I have been talking heavily the last few days and weeks regarding the things that are coming up in regard to our shifting from essentially a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous relationship and then into the triad we are trying to develop. Despite calling ourselves polyamorous since the beginning of our relationship Marla is the first person we’ve actually opened up our relationship to in a serious way.

While we flirted with the idea of being with Kat and glen last year, mostly that was in an N-style relationship with everyone else as close friends but only relationships between some of us not all of us. Kat and I began exploring a possible relationship in addition to my relationship with Onyx and her relationship with glen. Perhaps eventually we would have evolved into a square or some other configuration, but we didn’t get past initial exploring.

Opening up our relationship has brought some issues between Onyx and myself to light, ones that need to be fixed before we can really move forward. For one, we really haven’t been paying a lot of attention to our relationship, a lot of the reason for that is because we really have not had any time apart for a very long time. We had over two months together when we moved and before he got a job when we were essentially with each other constantly.

In some ways we have come to take our relationship for granted. We are so used to the other one being around it’s difficult not to. Because we lack a sufficient amount of furniture we also have essentially been living in a studio apartment, because we have not been utilizing the bedroom for anything other than storage space. This needs to change, and we realize that.

For another, Onyx is much more comfortable with me being with someone else than I am with him being with someone else. This is something I need to work on. It’s not that I don’t want him to be with someone else, part of it is he’s never really expressed interest in someone else before so it’s a new experience for me. Of course, part of me wants to keep him all to myself, but only a small part of me, the rest of me wants him to be happy and have the same opportunities I do.

Because we are working on bringing Marla in we have begun communicating more often and more effectively, I believe. We are forced to because now we have another person involved and in some ways that’s more pressure on the both of us to make everything right. It’s both helped and hurt our relationship in many ways, which is normal for the monogamous to non-monogamous transition process.

Marla and I have been exploring our relationship quite heavily, and have moved into solid relationship territory as far as I’m concerned. We know each other quite well now, and our attraction and desire for each other continues to grow, even if I’m unable to express it sometimes. The next step is for us to meet, and we’re pretty sure that’s going to happen at the beginning of May while I’m in D.C. for Sex 2.0.

The problem for me comes in when Marla and Onyx try to get closer. Moving now from the polyamorous Vee relationship we have been nurturing into the triad we all desire. The problem stems from my own insecurity, and I really don’t like it at all. In many ways I am threatened by the idea of the two of them getting closer, even though part of me wants them to get closer and wants us to become a triad like we have all been talking about.

I had a dream a while back that the three of us were starting to fool around together and they up and left me, went to another room and locked the door so that they could play by themselves without me. This hurt. A lot. I woke up sobbing. It was not a good time. Essentially, it all comes back to my rejection phobia. It’s ridiculous, because I know they both love me and they are coming together in many ways because of me, but I’m not confident enough that I believe that they won’t stop being interested in me.

Logically I know this is silly, because I know that, like I said, in many ways I am the reason why they are coming together, but the fear is still there. I am working on acknowledging it, understanding it, and working with it to the point that it won’t be an issue, but I fear that the fear will always be there, lurking at the back of my mind.

The fear also makes me feel selfish, because I have no problem with me having multiple partners, but when my partners show interest in each other my insecurities flare up and I’m unable to fully feel the compersion that part of me feels. I am both elated and scared at the possibility of the two of them together.

On the one hand I really encourage their relationship. I’ve been trying to incorporate Onyx into the nightly phone calls that Marla and I have, I’ve been trying to encourage the two of them to explore and interact more so that they can get to know each other better, I’ve been trying to be the biggest supporter for their relationship. Then, when I see them interacting I close up, I send mixed signals, even though part of me wants them to work another part of me is worried that it will work too well.

This all mostly stems from sexual insecurity. It feels strange for me, as someone who embraces sexual expression and sexuality, to feel insecure about my sexuality. I have worked hard on being confident sexually, and I feel that I am in many ways but I’m not in others. Specifically, I haven’t been with a woman for years, and I’m worried that I’m not going to be any good. It’s a silly and baseless fear, but it’s one I have nonetheless.

My inability to be sexual with Marla compounds the issue. I want her, I fantasize about her, I imagine all sorts of wonderful things that we will eventually be able to do, but I have an extremely difficult time flirting with her or expressing my sexual interest in her at all. I’m not sure where this mental block is coming from, but it’s there and it’s not conscious. I’m worried that I will say the wrong thing, I overanalyze what I do say and always assume the worst, and then I watch Onyx and Marla interact so easily sexually and I’m envious and jealous both.

It seems easier for them to interact on a sexual level than on a personal one, and it’s the opposite for Marla and me. She has been pushing us in a more sexual direction but I have been resisting, even though I don’t want to resist. I watch how easy it is for Onyx to say things that I wish I could say and I shut down.

I’m working on figuring out how to fix this, but it may take a while. I’m hoping that meeting Marla in D.C. and actually physically being able to be with her will help me get over this mental block. Being able to explore each other and become sexual with each other on a physical level will help me be able to be sexual with her long-distance I think. Once I’m more able to be sexual with her long-distance I will be able to not be envious when she and Onyx express desires for each other sexually, and I’ll be able to feel the compersion I’ve been experiencing intellectually in my heart as well.

That’s the hope, anyway.

Terms Don't Dictate a Relationship

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 6, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Polyamory

I’ve been trying more vigorously to finish Opening Up by Tristan Taormino which, if you don’t know, is all about non-monogamy. I started it months ago but have yet to finish it because I keep picking up other books in the meantime (mostly ones I have to review).

In Opening Up defining a relationship is emphasized, but not in order to box in or pin down a relationship (because the ability to revise or change the relationship at any time is also emphasized) but in order to make sure that everyone within the relationship is in agreement and happy with where it is and how it’s progressing and feeling and working.

Basically, communication is key, and though that’s true in every relationship it can be exponentially trickier in non-monogamous relationships to make sure that everyone is happy with everything that’s going on.

Part of successful communication can be coming to agreement on terms and labels used for certain interactions and activities. I like labels as long as they are recognized as flexible and subject to change. While terms don’t dictate a relationship one can use terms to define a relationship as close to accurately as possible.

Sometimes defining a relationship is a useful tool to use to check in with everyone in that relationship and make sure everyone is on the same wavelength. I’m over-explaining a bit, I realize, but I have a point to make, promise.

The reason I bring this up is because this morning I changed my FetLife profile information from reading “Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “It’s Complicated with MarlaSinger” in the “relationship status” portion and “Switches with Onyx93” and nothing defined with MarlaSinger in the “D/s relationship status” portion to what is below.

Little changes on social networking sites like this aren’t really a big deal in some ways, but they definitely do mark a change in the way I’ve been thinking about our relationship that I’m able to actually put that we’re in a relationship quite solidly. I do feel like we’re more solidly in relationship territory rather than the “getting to know you” or “friends who are interested in each other” territory which is where we’ve been for a while, even without the presence of gettin’ down and dirty.

I’m not really sure what the distinction between “In a Relationship and Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “In an Open Relationship with MarlaSinger” really is but I think it has something to do with the stages each of those relationships are in.

Onyx and I are very much set in our relationship, though that’s not to say we’re stagnant or unsatisfying. We’ve been together for about four years and have been living together for over two and a half of that. While we still have our bumps and explorations for the most part we’re really very solid in where our relationship is, which is also why we’re able to start branching out into other relationships. I am in a relationship with him and we are also polyamorous, that’s just how I see it.

Maybe part of the difference too is because Marla and I are long-distance and still exploring the beginning stages of our relationship. To me, indicating that we are in an open relationship also indicates less permanence in our relationship as opposed to being polyamorous in a relationship. That’s not to say our relationship isn’t permanent but it’s not as set as my relationship with Onyx because we are still discovering nuances and facets of each other that are new and unexpected and discovering the ways in which we fit together.

These are just the distinctions my brain is making between the two terms, of course, and I wouldn’t force these definitions on anyone else, they’re just what work for me.

We are still slowly progressing in our own long-distance way, which is really enjoyable and wonderful but also frustrating because, well, it’s long distance.

We’re constantly getting more sexual with each other, getting to that next step, moving beyond the “abstractly sexual” talk of toys and such to much more personal talk of desires and where we think we fit together. It’s fantastic, and I find myself fantasizing about being with her (my latest Microfantasy Monday post was in many ways inspired by her) but I’m also getting anxious for the next sexual step.

Neither of us seem terribly desirous of engaging in sexual activities online or on the phone, preferring to wait until we meet to explore the physical sexuality with each other, but the desire and the drive to do so is slowly becoming more and more apparent. This is definitely a good thing, but also a frustrating thing.

I’m confident that it will unfold in a way that works, though, and really have hardly any doubts or worries about the relationship and how it is progressing. It almost seems too easy sometimes, too perfect for my overlyanalytical brain to handle, but it felt like this with Onyx as well and look how that turned out…

Also, Marla wrote a delightful, adorable, and fantastic post on her blog that you should read in the same style as my five things that make me constantly and undeniably happy.

Craving Control and Lack Thereof

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 26, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Polyamory

Our life has settled far from where I thought it would when I first started this blog. Onyx and I were trying for an Owner/cuntpet relationship, which was originally the basis of this blog, along with erotica and such. We were struggling to work in that dynamic, both of us thinking that’s what we wanted. It just didn’t work. Neither of us are cut out for the roles we were trying to adopt, not with each other anyway.

We have found what works for us, which defaults to Onyx as Top and me as bottom sexually, but basically equals and often me in charge outside of sexual play. This is wonderful because this is what works. This works because this is how we fit together. However, I still want more.

I have all these fantasies that aren’t played out because he’s not the person who can give them to me. This is where poly comes in real handy, because one of the foundations of both of our desires for polyamory comes from the knowledge that one person is not necessarily going to fulfill every single need of another person. If that were true, no one would have any friendships outside of relationships (though some people do this, but… that’s a whole other issue). Most needs can be fulfilled, and for many the way to get the rest fulfilled is friendships, for others it’s other sexual relationships, etc.

Back to the original point, however. Onyx and I work so very well together on so many different levels, but anything more than a Top/bottom power dynamic just does not seem to work. We expect more from each other in that situation than either of us ends up giving, which just ends up blowing up and making us miserable. Here’s to getting out of that pattern!

However, I still have these desires for other types of power dynamics. I touched on this a little bit not too long ago, but I feel the need to go into it deeper.

I desire to serve someone who knows how to “put me in my place.” Someone who doesn’t tolerate my brattyness and makes me submit to them, not necessarily in a forceful way to break my spirit, but by sitting back and letting me know that resisting will just mean I don’t get what I actually want: submission, approval, to come, etc.

Someone who will give me tasks during the day, keep me on edge, give me constant reminders of our roles in subtle but demanding ways. Someone who not only wants me to submit to them but who wants to dominate me, who enjoys the challenge, who appreciates and respects me and my ideas but also knows how to talk as equals while also maintaining our power dynamic in the background. Someone who just feels right. Someone to be owned by, loved by, and cherished by. The fucking and coming and beating and moaning would all be icing on top of the power play connection too, of course.

Yes, I realize this is asking for a lot.

On the flip side, I also desire someone to control. Someone I can do the above to, who I can train to perfection and take pride in. Someone I can own and play with and all that other good stuff. Basically the same as above, but from the other side.

I want it all, of course, and often consider changing my name to Veruca Salt.

None of this is to say that I’m dissatisfied with Onyx and myself, or with what I imagine Marla and I will end up interacting power-wise. I simply want to experience all of these different dynamics. The ones above are just two of the possible ones, but the two that I’m currently wanting and not getting.

It’s strange, though, to be both sated and craving at the same time, but that’s how I feel. I’m at once content and desirous of more. Loving where I am, but hoping, ultimately, that I will find people to fit into the other needs I have in the future. It’s a strange place to be, but it seems my constant state: sated but wanting, content yet craving, happy with what I have yet greedy for more.

Marla: an Introduction

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 12, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Polyamory

Number 220 from The Adipositivity Project

As many of you may know, someone has featured in mine and Onyx’s life more prominently in the last few weeks than she has before. Remarkably, we met originally on IRC quite a while ago, and I’ve always thought she was interesting and someone I’d like to get to know.

Unbeknownst to either of us, she started following me on twitter because of finding this blog and not because of who she knew on IRC. Eventually we discovered who each other were on both mediums, and we’ve been in light contact ever since.

About a month and a half ago we started interacting on a more regular basis. Before that we talked occasionally but mostly in passing. It started with me guiding her toward some toy review programs, and then kinda blossomed from there.

We’ve been talking more over the course of the last few weeks. At some point she confessed to having a “little queer crush on” me. At some point we exchanged phone numbers and started texting back and forth in addition to DMing (on twitter). At some point we started talking about her coming here in June. And at some point (about eight days ago) we started talking on the phone every night.

She and Onyx have been getting to know each other too, not to downplay their involvement, though it hasn’t been quite as substantial. We are all definitely still in the “getting to know you while also crushing” phase.

We’re both taking it slow and rushing it at the same time, in some ways, which is strange, but it feels really right (sometimes scarily right). Onyx and I have been talking about bringing others in to our relationship or having other relationships for a while now, and now this seems like something that might actually occur.

There is plenty more to say on this subject, and there will be plenty more posts regarding the three of us, both what has happened in the last few weeks and what is still to come.

Queering Onyx

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 24, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

Another issue with our relationship that I was having recently is that it was getting more and more… straight, for lack of a better term. I know that there are ways for males and females to interact sexually and romantically that are outside of the heterosexual relationship model and sexuality. I have come to realize something I’ve always known but never quite had the ability to put into words before: regardless of the relationship I want a queer connection. It’s something that has come clear to me through reading The Leather Daddy and the Femme and also PoMoSexuals, which both talk extensively about queer relationships between male and female partners. While neither of us are straight I’m more in touch with my queerness than he is.

One of my goals lately has been to open him up to that queer side more and more, to help him embrace it, which we’ve talked about quite a lot and he is open to. He’s identified as heteroflexible or somewhat-bi or things like that for most of the time I’ve known him, and I’ve also known him to suck cock (not just mine, flesh-made ones as well) and have affection and desire for men.

I’ve always maintained that he is far more queer than he will often admit to, partly because I’m not attracted to men who aren’t queer, there has always had to be something queer about them in order for me to get interested and while that doesn’t always mean queer attraction, I know that he is attracted to men, and has more than just a casual desire. He has come to agree with me a bit more, and we have talked about potential additions to our poly family which have included (queer) males.

Recently we read The Leather Daddy and the Femme together, taking turns reading it to each other chapter by chapter. I think that helped him recognize and embrace more of his queer desires, which was part of my reason for wanting to read it together. Not to mention it’s hot and I knew he would love it. I know he has issues with the idea of queerness, we all have internalized homophobia and he is no exception.

It’s difficult to embrace something, too, that will disprivilege you, especially when you have the ability to not embrace it. What I mean by that is: it’s easy not to embrace queerness when you have what society would consider “normal” heterosexual desires, because the queerness can be abandoned if you choose to let it be, not that it’s easy to do that for all of us, but it may be easier to ignore the queerness than it is to embrace that which would disprivilege.

I’ve been trying to open him up further to his queer side by opening him up to mine and sharing my own desires. Also I’ve been trying to bring his awareness back to his desire to get fucked in the ass and suck cock and such, something I’m more confident doing now that we’ve started switching (something I’ll be telling you more about soon). As I mentioned above, we’ve talked about adding a third or others to our relationship, he suggested a transgirl or feminine male we could play with.

I feel like Georgia Strong helping Demetrius discover his gay/bisexual/queer desires, reminding him that there are multiple ways to have queer sex and that heterosexuals can have queer sex too. Teaching all the things he’s always wanted but wasn’t sure how to get. I’m sure I’ll update more on this issue as it comes.

An Introduction

By Onyx V St. Syr

On September 7, 2008

In Posts by Onyx

Hi there,

Long time reader, first time poster.

I’m Onyx, Scarlet’s oft-mentioned Dominus and new guest blogger here on the femmeinist fucktoy blog. I hope to contribute occasionally to this site in order to offer a different, but hopefully complementary perspective on many of the issues Scarlet covers and hope that I have some thoughts or at least witty remarks you, her readers, will enjoy.

So by way of introduction I’ll offer a quick biography of myself.

I was born far away across the sea in a relatively small town in Norway. I moved to the US almost a decade ago and made it through a failed marriage before I got involved with Scarlet. We first met online on the chat network IRC and were sufficiently intrigued by each other to meet in the flesh, the rest they say, is history.

I interests tend to be centered on three main areas: computers, occultism and kink. The first two are things I may touch on tangentially, but in keeping with the theme of this blog I will be focusing mainly on the third category in my posts here.

I will be covering some of my thoughts on such topics as gender identity, polyamory, BDSM and D/s in general and my relationship with Scarlet in particular. I’m also open to any questions readers might have not to mention Scarlet’s ever so subtle hints about what she’d like me to blog about ;)

I’m excited to be posting here and hope you will enjoy my contributions.

You can find me on Twitter as Onyx93 or on FetLife as Onyx93.

It's Difficult to Write about Sex

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 7, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

…when you’re not having it and not feeling sexy.

You may have noticed I’ve taken some time off. Perhaps it wasn’t too noticeable, though, since I still posted a bit and it really hasn’t been that long since I last posted. However, the content of my posts lately has been a lot of me re-posting others’ ideas/works/announcements. That’s what I mean by taking a break… which is strange in and of itself.

The reason for this largely has to do with my current situation both financial and romantic. First thing’s first: I need a job. And although I’ve been applying at many places and trying to get a job it is difficult also because I’m not prepared or willing to sacrifice myself for my job, and getting a job with my appearance here in Utah is not exactly easy. But, this is really a whole seperate issue than (though tied in with) the larger reason for the break.

Dominus and I have been having issues. Some of it has to do with what I wrote a week ago, about my own fears of his leaving me. But, in reality, it has to do with his fears of the same subject. I have changed rather dramatically in the last few months, including embracing aspects of myself such as my Domina personae, which he cannot really touch or interact with on much of a level.

I mean, I’ve always Topped him a little bit, but he’s always been my Dominant, if that makes sense. I have always teased him and I’ve fucked his ass, and things like that, but I’ve never Dominated him, and I don’t have the desire to dominate him. This is a semantic difference, obviously, but it’s a big one. I enjoy Topping him at times, but he’s always the Dominant in the situation even if I’m the Top.

One big problem with our sexuality is that our sex is becoming more and more straight. This bothers me, as, despite the fact that Dominus and my relationship is heterosexual we are far from straight. The sex we had when we first got together is worlds apart from the sex we have now. It’s hard to explain the difference, and I’m not even sure if I could if I tried, but there are different things which go into straight sex and queer sex, and we have not been having queer sex even though we have before.

We talked a lot these last few days that we’ve been communicating a lot about the issues, we talked about lack of time and energy and we talked a lot about sex. We both are not satisfied with where we are right now, and we are going to change it. One big issue is that he will never be able to fulfill me completely. I don’t mean this in a negative way, and I don’t expect to be able to fulfill him completely either. We come close to it, but I also think with poly-wired people such as ourselves it’s nearly impossible to be fulfilled 100% by one other person.

How much I am fulfilled is also directly proportionate to our sex life, as well. I have an extremely high sex drive, and in some ways being on orgasm restriction like I have been is not conducive to our sex life. One would imagine that orgasm restriction would make me want sex more often, but the opposite seems to be true. Rather, the more sex I have the more I want to have, so putting me on restriction or going days without sex just makes me desire it less rather than more. It’s strange, but that’s the way I work. Also, because he has allowed me to orgasm on my own while trying out my toys to review, I have gotten used to getting myself off and him not getting me off.

The biggest issue for him pulling away from me is my Domina and queer desires, which he doesn’t seem to fit into, and thus since I have been focusing heavily on those sides for the last few months it has seemed, in some ways, as a rejection of us. I can completely understand that, though it was far from my intention. We’ve talked about it a little bit over the last few months as well, but never to the point of resolving anything satisfactorily.

One of the wonderful things about The Leather Daddy and the Femme and why I’ve attached myself to it so fiercely, is that it depicts a heterosexual relationship much like my own and also with many differences, but it depicts a very queer heterosexual relationship, and that’s the kind of relationship I desire. Our relationship was much more queer in the beginning, and has been slipping toward something far more straight, and a lot of that is because of where we live. Salt Lake City isn’t exactly conductive to queer heterosexuals.

So, we’ve talked. Ad nauseam, really. Slowly we’ve gotten past the surface issues to those which have been really bothering us. I haven’t had as much attraction to him sexually because we’re getting away from queer sex, and I don’t do straight sex, I just don’t. I finally have understood where that has been coming from, and he (I hope) has gotten to understand where he is coming from in all his fears as well, and we’ve come to a greater place of understanding and the desire to work on this together.

The wonderful thing about our relationship is that neither of us is willing to give up on it. We both are dedicated to it as well as to each other, which means that even though we have rough patches (as every relationship should, really), we always get through them and are stronger for them. It’s perfect, really. No relationship that is worth having is easy.

All Good Things Got to Come to an End

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On May 3, 2008

In a Relationship: Kat & glen

I’ve been putting off writing about this until my finals were done, and then I was going to post about it yesterday, but it was just so hectic that it didn’t happen. Better late than never, really, and this is something I need to post about (and something a couple of you involved are probably waiting for).

The way I generally process emotions and reactions to things is through blogging/writing about them, and I know I haven’t quite yet processed everything regarding this.

Kat, essentially, broke up with me, in laments terms. I mean, we weren’t really “going out” but we were exploring D/s in regarding to our relationship, so it’s kind of fitting, but kind of not. She and glen had long talks about poly and monogamy and what he wanted vs. what she wanted and all that good stuff, and she came to the conclusion that she needs to be just with him. It will be better for both of them, and I completely agree and understand that. That’s not to say I’m not disappointed, which I am.

I’m not angry, just a little saddened and disappointed, but I know that, ultimately, this is the best decision for them and it is what they need to do right now. I don’t believe that this will affect our friendship, though I may be a little stand-offish for a bit while I get used to the new boundaries that surround us. I know that we can still kiss and flirt and snuggle, that we have always done, but there will be no more possession of me, no more calling me her flower or her lotus, no more hand gripping my hair, and no more of me showing her my submission.

I had gotten quite comfortable and used to being submissive to her, and I was really enjoying it. I mean, really enjoying it. I was all caught up with NRE like crazy. I’m not saying this to make anyone feel guilty, and I hope I’m not. I really do think this was the best decision to be made, I’m just not completely happy about it for my own sake. For their sake, I think it’s wonderful, and I have always valued their relationship above mine with Kat, as they are so perfect and wonderful together, and they are primaries, while we were secondaries.

I really want to stress that I’m not mad or upset or even that I don’t understand why they did it. I am really fine with the decision, and I think it is for the best. I really wasn’t surprised by the decision, either. I wasn’t expecting this to work like this for very long. I am glad that they are doing what is necessary for their relationship, as I want their relationship to work as much if not more than they do. I know what it has done for both of them, and I wouldn’t want to come between that.

I had said sometime the week before that if they needed me to stop, if they needed us to stop, then I would gladly (though not happily) back away and return to friendship mode. And that is very true, and that is what I have done. I know that Kat would like to continue our explorations, at least that’s what she says, and about 99% of me believes her, but that little paranoid voice in the back of my head does not. That’s not to say I don’t believe her, just… I’m very paranoid when it comes to interpersonal anything, which is why I generally avoid it.

I am glad to back away because it is the best thing for their relationship. I am sad and disappointed to back away because I was really enjoying the little subtle differences within our relationship. I am not going to let this affect our friendship, and I don’t think it will or it should. I still love her, in any way that I can get her, and I’ve been wrapped around her little finger from the first time we met, really. I’m sure nothing will really change, just the D/s subtleties will no longer be there, and we will go back to how we were before. However, we are closer than we were before. We were drifting apart before we tried this, and it has helped us immensely. It has helped us, and I’m happy for that.

BDSM FAQ from xeromag

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 29, 2008

In Polyamory, Power Play

Okay, not only do I love xeromag for their polyamory faq, but they also have a kick-ass bdsm faq (faq = frequently asked questions). I was going to quote some, but I ended up wanting to quote everything! I just think it’s pretty awesome, plus it’s written in a fun and informative way.

There is also an example of BDSM scenarios which range from ice and dirty talk to knives, play rape/consensual non-consent, and lots of suggestions for roleplay scenes and the like.