Tag: non-monogamy Page 3 of 5

Sickeningly Sweet (HNT)

On July 2, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

These were taken less than an hour before we all went to the airport last time she was here. A lot has happened since.

I think her latest post sums up quite a lot, and captures the excitement and fear we all are feeling for different reasons on her moving here. She will be here on Saturday the 4th indefinitely.

She is making a wonderful sacrifice for us, leaving her family, friends, and life behind to come up here to Seattle to be with us, to start a new life. It’s not going to be easy, and we’re all apprehensive about what lies ahead while also being extremely excited to be together.

I love them both so amazingly much. Every day brings her closer to us, and every day brings us all closer together in one way or another. We are all realizing past mistakes and committed to correcting them. We are dedicated and committed to each other, and that will get us farther than many.

The thing I’ve heard most from people when telling them about our relationship dynamic is that triads aren’t easy. This is undoubtedly true, though no relationship worth having is going to be easy. Throw in the fact that one partner has been thousands of miles away for the last six months and that just makes it that much more complicated. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s definitely been worth it.

As we creep closer to that wonderful moment when we will all be together again my excitement builds far faster than my fear. I know everything will work out, we’ve been through so much already that we know how committed we all are to the other. Living together will create new unique challenges and issues to work through but we will get through them together and be stronger because of it.

Polyamorous to Polyfidelitous

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On June 25, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Discourse, Introspection, Polyamory

If there were a Venn-diagram for non-monogamous relationships it would probably start as a big circle for non-monogamy. Inside that would be polyamory and inside that would be polyfidelity. Each of these circles would be blurry or maybe dotted lines instead of hard ones. Each circle would overlap with multiple other relationship configurations and various other types of relationship orientations and… well, maybe a Venn-diagram isn’t the most helpful illustration.

When defining a term that has to do with relationships or personal identities in any manner there is always some level of fluidity and openness to take into account. You may know this already, but I’m starting with the basics.

In the book Opening Up Tristan Taormino defines polyfidelity as “a multipartner group of three or more people who have made a commitment to each other to be in a primary relationship.” This can be different or exactly the same as polyamory simply depending on the identification of those within the group. There are no hard and fast lines here, and the terms really just depend on what the people within the relationship are most comfortable with.

Despite the “fidelity” part of the term, which makes most people think of having closed sexual conduct polyfidelity does not always exclude other relationships outside of the polyfidelitous group. Fidelity essentially means “faithful” and doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with sexual faithfulness (though it can). Taormino describes two types of polyfidelitous groups: closed and open, meaning closed or open to new relationships outside of the primary. Not all members of a polyfidelitous group have to be sexually involved, either.

While I dislike the terms “primary” and “secondary” or so on and I think maybe a better way to describe it is that everyone in a polyfidelitous relationship is committed to everyone else. Even if there isn’t a sexual or romantic relationship between the individuals there is always an emotional one and a commitment to being with the other in some way shape or form.

As I mentioned, this could look identical to polyamory or it could look completely different, it just depends on how the individuals want to identify.

So, why am I writing all this about polyfidelity? I will probably be using it in the future and now I can reference this post whenever I mention it.

I posted a while ago about our transition from mono to poly to triad and Not long after that I brought this difference up to Marla and Onyx and we all agreed that the definition for polyfidelitous fit our relationship.

Generally speaking the term triad is used to describe a polyfidelitous relationship between three people, so we had already kind of figured that out but at the same time I’m a sucker for semantics and finding new terms and labels to describe myself so that I can add them on to the long list of labels I already embrace to make such a long string of labels I eventually essentially become label-less again, though that’s another post.

Another term Taormino mentions in Opening Up is “trilationship” which is fairly self-explanatory I think. I pronounce it similar to tree-lationship so it sounds similar to relationship only different–also because pronouncing it try-lationship is kind of awkward. This is another term I will be using in the future.

Crazy Love

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On June 23, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

I have all these drafts started and so many things I want to write about but it’s funny how things are more difficult to write about when they are going good. While we three have had our ups and downs as of late I’ve been able to process my thoughts and express them to both Marla and Onyx and I usually use this blog for that so the frustration or confusion that usually fuels my blog posts is gone replaced by just a contented happiness, excitement, and knowledge that everything is going to work.

There are plenty of fears, insecurities, and worries to go around, don’t get me wrong, but at the same time I have confidence that we are making the right decisions, growing together, and growing closer as a triad.

If you don’t follow me on twitter you might not know that Marla is moving here. She is moving to Seattle to be with us and share our physical lives and our apartment as she already shares our daily lives and our love. She will be here early July 5th just past midnight (the night of July 4th). Obviously we’ve been talking about her moving here for a while although it definitely seems very sudden but that’s not really a bad thing. Due to her current living situation it’s just best for all involved if she get up here as quickly as possible, which is an ideal situation for me as well because that means she will be here really damn soon!

It’s amazing and wonderful and in so many ways I just can’t believe that it’s really happening, but it is! I’m sure it will feel surreal until a week or two after she’s here and we all realize that she’s not actually going anywhere.

Stay tuned for steamy sex stories and general trilationship and poly musings once I can get to finishing them, but in the meantime I’m leaving you with a song that has been stuck in my head for a few days. It’s monogamy-centric but I think it fits both of my loves, you just have to change “she” to “they” or something like that.

Song starts at 0:19

I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles
And the heavens open every time she smiles
And when I come to her that’s where I belong
Yet I’m running to her like a rivers song

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

Shes got a fine sense of humor when I’m feeling low down
And when I come to her when the sun goes down
Take away my trouble, take away my grief
Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

Yes I need her in the daytime
Yes I need her in the night
Yes I want to throw my arms around her
Kiss her hug her kiss her hug her tight

And when I’m returning from so far away
She gives me some sweet lovin’ brighten up my day
Yes it makes me righteous, yes it makes me feel whole
Yes it makes me mellow down in to my soul

Three (HNT)

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On June 18, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection, Polyamory

Pushing a little late on the HNT side for this week, but I wanted to sneak in an image from the weekend Marla was up here not too long ago. There will be stories from that weekend as well, but this is the first hint into it.

The arm on top is Onyx’s, his hand is caressing Marla’s cunt while she lay on her back. Her thigh is in the middle, I was between her legs and taking the picture, the handprint on my thigh is from her hand. She knows just how to hit to make the prettiest marks though they don’t last too long just long enough for my crazy pasty-pink skin to raise in a hand-shaped welt.

This picture was from our first night spent all together, from some of the first sexual moments we shared together. Everything that happened is still to come.

The Day & Parting: The End of the Beginning

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On June 17, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection, Polyamory

from ArTeTeTrA

Chances are I’ll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You’ll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I’ll hold you and I’ll offer
All I have”
-Chances Are

This is the fifth and final installment from my NYC/DC trip continued from The Beginning: New York City, The (Un)conference: Getting to D.C. & Sex 2.0, The Meeting: Kissing At Red Lights, and The First Night: Getting Down to Business. This is less chronological than the last few and more just what I remember.

We awoke after just a few hours, hungry for each others bodies again, first moving to snuggle before fucking. It was Sunday, which was also Mother’s Day so we both called our mothers and wished them well. I didn’t get ahold of mine right away, but my Dad called and I talked with him. I had mentioned to my parents about meeting Marla prior to our actual meeting and although I had never talked with either about my being polyamorous they were both completely unphased at the idea of me being involved with more than one person. I hadn’t really gone into any other detail.

After our daughterly duties were done I crawled back into the big fluffy white bed with her and we called Onyx, eager to hear his voice. Although he had said the night before that he wasn’t sure if he would be able to hear us fooling around on the phone I decided that he needed to because I knew how much he wanted to. I assumed his hesitance came from fear and potential pain, so I made sure he was included every step of the way.

I started rubbing Marla’s clit and inserted two fingers into her, making her tell Onyx what I was doing each time I changed something, calling her names and getting her hotter, letting him hear us both as I played with her. I soon inserted a third finger, and then a fourth, stretching her deliciously around my fingers, making her beg for more as I opened her up. Onyx was stroking his cock at this point while I was fucking her with my fingers and rubbing her clit with my other hand.

I remember she came like that, but I don’t remember how many times.

My thumb slid into her wet and open cunt so that I could press my hand further inside, all the while curling up and playing with her g-spot and rubbing her clit, driving her mad while Onyx listened and I took pleasure in making her writhe and come. I delighted in the feeling of her spongy slick walls gripping my hand as she got off on me pressing more and more of my hand into her, pulling out and doing it again, over and over, filling her up.

Once she was sated, I believe we listened to Onyx come over the phone as he stroked his cock for his two happily listening partners thousands of miles away. He grunted and groaned and we encouraged him as he got to the edge, asking him to come for us.

Then attentions were turned to me, though I protested a little because I hadn’t completely been able to come despite wanting to and also I was feeling a little insecure about coming with Marla while on the phone with Onyx, I was stupidly thinking that he would prefer to hear her be fucked than me. This way of thinking has since been cleared up, but it was present at the time.

I lay on my back and Marla began rubbing my clit and pressing her fingers into me, doing what I had done to her earlier, fucking me with her fingers while I sat back and took it. I told Onyx what she was doing so that he knew what was going on. I moaned and writhed as she fucked me so wonderfully, and despite my previous inability to I ended up coming while she fucked me with Onyx on the phone. It wasn’t as hard as any of us would have liked, but it definitely was an orgasm.

Onyx declared that he wanted more pictures, so we ended up taking a few for him and chatting until we decided we really needed to order something to eat. We decided on Thai food and after much roundaboutness and much distraction (read: fucking) we ended up getting it a few hours later. Sitting in bed we ate our food, Marla’s first introduction to Thai food, and made makeshift chopsticks out of coffee stirrers.

We lounged, fucked, talked with Onyx, twittered, and played Mafia Wars and My Zoo for the next few hours before as we got in touch with Jay and Ellie who were at Sex 2.0 and were staying a couple extra days after the conference to see the sights and such. We all decided to meet up to go swimming and just generally spend some time with each other.

Once we got more fucking, fooling around, and cuddling out of our system we finally got our suits on and headed to the pool waiting for Jay and Ellie to arrive. We had the desire to have some pool sex, but there was a lifeguard and other people around, but we did sneak in much fondling and groping under the water. Ellie and Jay arrived for the last 20 minutes or so of swimming, then we all headed back to our room to dry off, change, and chat.

After much great conversation about a wide range of topics they left and we were alone again and hungry! We called Onyx, ordered food, snuggled, and again ate it in bed. That night we were too damn tired to fuck again, which was pretty remarkable. We lay in bed cuddling and drifted to sleep in each others’ arms.

The next morning we awoke later than we would have liked, and after cuddling we immediately started packing and getting ready to go. We had to be out of the hotel by 11 but Marla did not have to head back home until about 1pm. I nearly cried while we were packing, knowing that we were going to part. After packing and hurrying out of the hotel we got to her car and headed to the same Thai restaurant we had delivered to us the day before.

We were both filled with sadness that we would have to part so soon and ate our meal sitting next to each other and often holding hands. There were moments tears filled my eyes and I wanted to cry for I was anticipating the missing of her and having to say goodbye.

Once we were finished we made our way to the Bolt Bus and said goodbye in her car. Many tears and hugs and kisses were exchanged, although I teared up I didn’t cry as hard as she did because I wanted to be strong for her and help her with the pain I had been struggling with for hours. It took us quite some time to actually part, preferring to linger in each others’ presence for as long as possible.

I watched her car until she was too far away to see, waving and sending my love with her for her long drive back home. We exchanged texts and calls while she was driving home and I was on the bus back to New York. I had a couple more days in New York after that, but quite literally all I did was sleep and see my sisters, recovering from the amazing weekend and lack of sleep. On Wednesday I made my way to JFK and headed back to Seattle.

Scared

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 26, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

What do I have to be scared of? What am I so nervous about things? What is it that triggers these feelings of worry and doubt in me? Why can’t I figure that out?

We all talked today, reassuring the others that our abandonment fears will not come to pass, as best we can for being sensible people who don’t believe in “forever.”

First Onyx and I talked, got to the root of some of the issues, and then we talked with Marla via phone while I cut his hair giving her a bit of a re-cap of our talk while also allowing Marla and Onyx to talk about where they are with each other. I encouraged the talk to be between the two of them, and I think they got more out of it than I did in some ways. Maybe I’m blocking myself from feeling good about this?

I’m not sure what it was, but something cut into me, and now I have a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat telling me something isn’t right. If I knew what triggered this I would talk with them about it, but I can’t pinpoint what it was that has made me so uneasy.

The thought has crossed my mind that it may be much simpler if we weren’t trying to be a triad, if they were separate loves of mine and I didn’t have to deal with them interacting with each other. I wouldn’t mind sharing them with abstract others, even others that I know personally, but I wouldn’t have to witness or participate in their interaction and I would feel better about it.

I think this, but I don’t think it’s true. I also don’t want to deny them the opportunity to be with one another, since they are both so wonderful and I know the three of us will fit so nicely if I can get over this damned insecurity gnawing away at me.

I want to participate in their relationship, I want to experience it and be a part of it, and I want these two people I love quite deeply to find and experience that same deep emotion for each other, but at the same time I’m scared. I just need my automatic emotions to catch up with my brain and my heart.

In my brain and heart I want this triad to work, I want them to grow closer and I want the three of us to find how we work together, but there are moments like these where the fear grips me and I worry about all those little things that could go wrong.

I’m not sure what it was that set me off today, which is the most irritating part. I was happy and loving the way that things were going, but we all got on the phone together and something fell apart in me and made this pain in my chest that won’t go away. I want to talk about this, but I don’t know how to talk about it with Onyx or Marla because I don’t know what the cause of it is yet. Hopefully I’ll figure it out, possibly in the shower.

I’m writing this while I should be showering, and during which I got a most amazing, sexy, and delicious text message from Marla. I feel bad because I don’t think I appreciated the message as much as I would have without this pain, but that doesn’t mean I won’t save it for another time when I do.

Maybe I’ll use the images presented in the message to get myself off in the shower, making myself feel better and distracting myself from the pain so that I can come back to it and overanalyze it with a clear head. I think that might just be the perfect thing to do.

On the Transition from Mono to Poly to Triad

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 24, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

Onyx and I have been talking heavily the last few days and weeks regarding the things that are coming up in regard to our shifting from essentially a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous relationship and then into the triad we are trying to develop. Despite calling ourselves polyamorous since the beginning of our relationship Marla is the first person we’ve actually opened up our relationship to in a serious way.

While we flirted with the idea of being with Kat and glen last year, mostly that was in an N-style relationship with everyone else as close friends but only relationships between some of us not all of us. Kat and I began exploring a possible relationship in addition to my relationship with Onyx and her relationship with glen. Perhaps eventually we would have evolved into a square or some other configuration, but we didn’t get past initial exploring.

Opening up our relationship has brought some issues between Onyx and myself to light, ones that need to be fixed before we can really move forward. For one, we really haven’t been paying a lot of attention to our relationship, a lot of the reason for that is because we really have not had any time apart for a very long time. We had over two months together when we moved and before he got a job when we were essentially with each other constantly.

In some ways we have come to take our relationship for granted. We are so used to the other one being around it’s difficult not to. Because we lack a sufficient amount of furniture we also have essentially been living in a studio apartment, because we have not been utilizing the bedroom for anything other than storage space. This needs to change, and we realize that.

For another, Onyx is much more comfortable with me being with someone else than I am with him being with someone else. This is something I need to work on. It’s not that I don’t want him to be with someone else, part of it is he’s never really expressed interest in someone else before so it’s a new experience for me. Of course, part of me wants to keep him all to myself, but only a small part of me, the rest of me wants him to be happy and have the same opportunities I do.

Because we are working on bringing Marla in we have begun communicating more often and more effectively, I believe. We are forced to because now we have another person involved and in some ways that’s more pressure on the both of us to make everything right. It’s both helped and hurt our relationship in many ways, which is normal for the monogamous to non-monogamous transition process.

Marla and I have been exploring our relationship quite heavily, and have moved into solid relationship territory as far as I’m concerned. We know each other quite well now, and our attraction and desire for each other continues to grow, even if I’m unable to express it sometimes. The next step is for us to meet, and we’re pretty sure that’s going to happen at the beginning of May while I’m in D.C. for Sex 2.0.

The problem for me comes in when Marla and Onyx try to get closer. Moving now from the polyamorous Vee relationship we have been nurturing into the triad we all desire. The problem stems from my own insecurity, and I really don’t like it at all. In many ways I am threatened by the idea of the two of them getting closer, even though part of me wants them to get closer and wants us to become a triad like we have all been talking about.

I had a dream a while back that the three of us were starting to fool around together and they up and left me, went to another room and locked the door so that they could play by themselves without me. This hurt. A lot. I woke up sobbing. It was not a good time. Essentially, it all comes back to my rejection phobia. It’s ridiculous, because I know they both love me and they are coming together in many ways because of me, but I’m not confident enough that I believe that they won’t stop being interested in me.

Logically I know this is silly, because I know that, like I said, in many ways I am the reason why they are coming together, but the fear is still there. I am working on acknowledging it, understanding it, and working with it to the point that it won’t be an issue, but I fear that the fear will always be there, lurking at the back of my mind.

The fear also makes me feel selfish, because I have no problem with me having multiple partners, but when my partners show interest in each other my insecurities flare up and I’m unable to fully feel the compersion that part of me feels. I am both elated and scared at the possibility of the two of them together.

On the one hand I really encourage their relationship. I’ve been trying to incorporate Onyx into the nightly phone calls that Marla and I have, I’ve been trying to encourage the two of them to explore and interact more so that they can get to know each other better, I’ve been trying to be the biggest supporter for their relationship. Then, when I see them interacting I close up, I send mixed signals, even though part of me wants them to work another part of me is worried that it will work too well.

This all mostly stems from sexual insecurity. It feels strange for me, as someone who embraces sexual expression and sexuality, to feel insecure about my sexuality. I have worked hard on being confident sexually, and I feel that I am in many ways but I’m not in others. Specifically, I haven’t been with a woman for years, and I’m worried that I’m not going to be any good. It’s a silly and baseless fear, but it’s one I have nonetheless.

My inability to be sexual with Marla compounds the issue. I want her, I fantasize about her, I imagine all sorts of wonderful things that we will eventually be able to do, but I have an extremely difficult time flirting with her or expressing my sexual interest in her at all. I’m not sure where this mental block is coming from, but it’s there and it’s not conscious. I’m worried that I will say the wrong thing, I overanalyze what I do say and always assume the worst, and then I watch Onyx and Marla interact so easily sexually and I’m envious and jealous both.

It seems easier for them to interact on a sexual level than on a personal one, and it’s the opposite for Marla and me. She has been pushing us in a more sexual direction but I have been resisting, even though I don’t want to resist. I watch how easy it is for Onyx to say things that I wish I could say and I shut down.

I’m working on figuring out how to fix this, but it may take a while. I’m hoping that meeting Marla in D.C. and actually physically being able to be with her will help me get over this mental block. Being able to explore each other and become sexual with each other on a physical level will help me be able to be sexual with her long-distance I think. Once I’m more able to be sexual with her long-distance I will be able to not be envious when she and Onyx express desires for each other sexually, and I’ll be able to feel the compersion I’ve been experiencing intellectually in my heart as well.

That’s the hope, anyway.

Terms Don't Dictate a Relationship

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 6, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Polyamory

I’ve been trying more vigorously to finish Opening Up by Tristan Taormino which, if you don’t know, is all about non-monogamy. I started it months ago but have yet to finish it because I keep picking up other books in the meantime (mostly ones I have to review).

In Opening Up defining a relationship is emphasized, but not in order to box in or pin down a relationship (because the ability to revise or change the relationship at any time is also emphasized) but in order to make sure that everyone within the relationship is in agreement and happy with where it is and how it’s progressing and feeling and working.

Basically, communication is key, and though that’s true in every relationship it can be exponentially trickier in non-monogamous relationships to make sure that everyone is happy with everything that’s going on.

Part of successful communication can be coming to agreement on terms and labels used for certain interactions and activities. I like labels as long as they are recognized as flexible and subject to change. While terms don’t dictate a relationship one can use terms to define a relationship as close to accurately as possible.

Sometimes defining a relationship is a useful tool to use to check in with everyone in that relationship and make sure everyone is on the same wavelength. I’m over-explaining a bit, I realize, but I have a point to make, promise.

The reason I bring this up is because this morning I changed my FetLife profile information from reading “Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “It’s Complicated with MarlaSinger” in the “relationship status” portion and “Switches with Onyx93” and nothing defined with MarlaSinger in the “D/s relationship status” portion to what is below.

Little changes on social networking sites like this aren’t really a big deal in some ways, but they definitely do mark a change in the way I’ve been thinking about our relationship that I’m able to actually put that we’re in a relationship quite solidly. I do feel like we’re more solidly in relationship territory rather than the “getting to know you” or “friends who are interested in each other” territory which is where we’ve been for a while, even without the presence of gettin’ down and dirty.

I’m not really sure what the distinction between “In a Relationship and Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “In an Open Relationship with MarlaSinger” really is but I think it has something to do with the stages each of those relationships are in.

Onyx and I are very much set in our relationship, though that’s not to say we’re stagnant or unsatisfying. We’ve been together for about four years and have been living together for over two and a half of that. While we still have our bumps and explorations for the most part we’re really very solid in where our relationship is, which is also why we’re able to start branching out into other relationships. I am in a relationship with him and we are also polyamorous, that’s just how I see it.

Maybe part of the difference too is because Marla and I are long-distance and still exploring the beginning stages of our relationship. To me, indicating that we are in an open relationship also indicates less permanence in our relationship as opposed to being polyamorous in a relationship. That’s not to say our relationship isn’t permanent but it’s not as set as my relationship with Onyx because we are still discovering nuances and facets of each other that are new and unexpected and discovering the ways in which we fit together.

These are just the distinctions my brain is making between the two terms, of course, and I wouldn’t force these definitions on anyone else, they’re just what work for me.

We are still slowly progressing in our own long-distance way, which is really enjoyable and wonderful but also frustrating because, well, it’s long distance.

We’re constantly getting more sexual with each other, getting to that next step, moving beyond the “abstractly sexual” talk of toys and such to much more personal talk of desires and where we think we fit together. It’s fantastic, and I find myself fantasizing about being with her (my latest Microfantasy Monday post was in many ways inspired by her) but I’m also getting anxious for the next sexual step.

Neither of us seem terribly desirous of engaging in sexual activities online or on the phone, preferring to wait until we meet to explore the physical sexuality with each other, but the desire and the drive to do so is slowly becoming more and more apparent. This is definitely a good thing, but also a frustrating thing.

I’m confident that it will unfold in a way that works, though, and really have hardly any doubts or worries about the relationship and how it is progressing. It almost seems too easy sometimes, too perfect for my overlyanalytical brain to handle, but it felt like this with Onyx as well and look how that turned out…

Also, Marla wrote a delightful, adorable, and fantastic post on her blog that you should read in the same style as my five things that make me constantly and undeniably happy.

Craving Control and Lack Thereof

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 26, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Polyamory

Our life has settled far from where I thought it would when I first started this blog. Onyx and I were trying for an Owner/cuntpet relationship, which was originally the basis of this blog, along with erotica and such. We were struggling to work in that dynamic, both of us thinking that’s what we wanted. It just didn’t work. Neither of us are cut out for the roles we were trying to adopt, not with each other anyway.

We have found what works for us, which defaults to Onyx as Top and me as bottom sexually, but basically equals and often me in charge outside of sexual play. This is wonderful because this is what works. This works because this is how we fit together. However, I still want more.

I have all these fantasies that aren’t played out because he’s not the person who can give them to me. This is where poly comes in real handy, because one of the foundations of both of our desires for polyamory comes from the knowledge that one person is not necessarily going to fulfill every single need of another person. If that were true, no one would have any friendships outside of relationships (though some people do this, but… that’s a whole other issue). Most needs can be fulfilled, and for many the way to get the rest fulfilled is friendships, for others it’s other sexual relationships, etc.

Back to the original point, however. Onyx and I work so very well together on so many different levels, but anything more than a Top/bottom power dynamic just does not seem to work. We expect more from each other in that situation than either of us ends up giving, which just ends up blowing up and making us miserable. Here’s to getting out of that pattern!

However, I still have these desires for other types of power dynamics. I touched on this a little bit not too long ago, but I feel the need to go into it deeper.

I desire to serve someone who knows how to “put me in my place.” Someone who doesn’t tolerate my brattyness and makes me submit to them, not necessarily in a forceful way to break my spirit, but by sitting back and letting me know that resisting will just mean I don’t get what I actually want: submission, approval, to come, etc.

Someone who will give me tasks during the day, keep me on edge, give me constant reminders of our roles in subtle but demanding ways. Someone who not only wants me to submit to them but who wants to dominate me, who enjoys the challenge, who appreciates and respects me and my ideas but also knows how to talk as equals while also maintaining our power dynamic in the background. Someone who just feels right. Someone to be owned by, loved by, and cherished by. The fucking and coming and beating and moaning would all be icing on top of the power play connection too, of course.

Yes, I realize this is asking for a lot.

On the flip side, I also desire someone to control. Someone I can do the above to, who I can train to perfection and take pride in. Someone I can own and play with and all that other good stuff. Basically the same as above, but from the other side.

I want it all, of course, and often consider changing my name to Veruca Salt.

None of this is to say that I’m dissatisfied with Onyx and myself, or with what I imagine Marla and I will end up interacting power-wise. I simply want to experience all of these different dynamics. The ones above are just two of the possible ones, but the two that I’m currently wanting and not getting.

It’s strange, though, to be both sated and craving at the same time, but that’s how I feel. I’m at once content and desirous of more. Loving where I am, but hoping, ultimately, that I will find people to fit into the other needs I have in the future. It’s a strange place to be, but it seems my constant state: sated but wanting, content yet craving, happy with what I have yet greedy for more.

Marla: an Introduction

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 12, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Polyamory

Number 220 from The Adipositivity Project

As many of you may know, someone has featured in mine and Onyx’s life more prominently in the last few weeks than she has before. Remarkably, we met originally on IRC quite a while ago, and I’ve always thought she was interesting and someone I’d like to get to know.

Unbeknownst to either of us, she started following me on twitter because of finding this blog and not because of who she knew on IRC. Eventually we discovered who each other were on both mediums, and we’ve been in light contact ever since.

About a month and a half ago we started interacting on a more regular basis. Before that we talked occasionally but mostly in passing. It started with me guiding her toward some toy review programs, and then kinda blossomed from there.

We’ve been talking more over the course of the last few weeks. At some point she confessed to having a “little queer crush on” me. At some point we exchanged phone numbers and started texting back and forth in addition to DMing (on twitter). At some point we started talking about her coming here in June. And at some point (about eight days ago) we started talking on the phone every night.

She and Onyx have been getting to know each other too, not to downplay their involvement, though it hasn’t been quite as substantial. We are all definitely still in the “getting to know you while also crushing” phase.

We’re both taking it slow and rushing it at the same time, in some ways, which is strange, but it feels really right (sometimes scarily right). Onyx and I have been talking about bringing others in to our relationship or having other relationships for a while now, and now this seems like something that might actually occur.

There is plenty more to say on this subject, and there will be plenty more posts regarding the three of us, both what has happened in the last few weeks and what is still to come.