Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: morning

Home Sweet Heartache

juneau
Taken by me winter of 2007

Everything is worse in the single digit hours when she should be sleeping but her brain won’t turn off. She instead reminds herself of how frost crystals can look like diamonds shining in streetlights and marvels at how many stars she can see when there are no lights. She watches as the sun rises in the crisp Alaskan mornings and the light floods the room that was never hers but she calls home for now.

Sometimes she wakes up sobbing, her pillow already damp from her tears, her body curling into itself. Sometimes she can only remember the good times and curses herself even though she knows she did everything she could. When you don’t have much to work with it’s difficult to hold on for long.

She wonders what the point of it all is if good love can turn so sour.

Her heart buckled from the force of being torn in two directions for too long and eventually shattered when she realized she wasn’t getting what she needed and probably never would. She hadn’t been getting what she needed for a long time. The weight of her decision makes the single digit hours drag on when all she really wants is to be held and told everything will be okay.

She wonders how she can live without being touched.

The chemical dependency she cultivated over the many months and years (respectively) has left her hollow and yearning. Unfortunately the only sources are hundreds and thousands of miles away. Her need translates itself easily into skin hunger, but she doesn’t have a way to sate it.

She doubts she will sate her skin hunger soon, but will go on as she did before in the town she couldn’t wait to escape from. She would be happy to turn everything into a distant memory, but her thoughts won’t allow her to do that. She doesn’t know when she will be able to let herself love or trust again as she works on picking up the bloody pieces of her heart, finding the self she locked away.

She wonders what the future will bring.

Life is less complicated here. It would be peaceful if she could sleep, but instead she fills her time with meaningless things to distract her from the emptyness she feels without them. The more she stares at the sky and mountains she is amazed at the beauty found where she grew up but never felt at home.

She looks forward to summer, rediscovering the trails of her youth and trying to learn to love the city she once knew. She hopes her despair will melt with winter and her new scenery and potential for a life here will grow and blossom in spring.

Unfortunately spring is still far away, and for now she has to wait for the single digit hours to tick on until she is tired enough to fall asleep. In the meantime she takes all she can from the beauty of winter, from the frost crystals and clean Alaskan air, from the darkness that envelops her and caresses her while she waits.

The Day & Parting: The End of the Beginning

holdinghands
from ArTeTeTrA

Chances are I’ll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You’ll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I’ll hold you and I’ll offer
All I have”
-Chances Are

This is the fifth and final installment from my NYC/DC trip continued from The Beginning: New York City, The (Un)conference: Getting to D.C. & Sex 2.0, The Meeting: Kissing At Red Lights, and The First Night: Getting Down to Business. This is less chronological than the last few and more just what I remember.

We awoke after just a few hours, hungry for each others bodies again, first moving to snuggle before fucking. It was Sunday, which was also Mother’s Day so we both called our mothers and wished them well. I didn’t get ahold of mine right away, but my Dad called and I talked with him. I had mentioned to my parents about meeting Marla prior to our actual meeting and although I had never talked with either about my being polyamorous they were both completely unphased at the idea of me being involved with more than one person. I hadn’t really gone into any other detail.

After our daughterly duties were done I crawled back into the big fluffy white bed with her and we called Onyx, eager to hear his voice. Although he had said the night before that he wasn’t sure if he would be able to hear us fooling around on the phone I decided that he needed to because I knew how much he wanted to. I assumed his hesitance came from fear and potential pain, so I made sure he was included every step of the way.

I started rubbing Marla’s clit and inserted two fingers into her, making her tell Onyx what I was doing each time I changed something, calling her names and getting her hotter, letting him hear us both as I played with her. I soon inserted a third finger, and then a fourth, stretching her deliciously around my fingers, making her beg for more as I opened her up. Onyx was stroking his cock at this point while I was fucking her with my fingers and rubbing her clit with my other hand.

I remember she came like that, but I don’t remember how many times.

My thumb slid into her wet and open cunt so that I could press my hand further inside, all the while curling up and playing with her g-spot and rubbing her clit, driving her mad while Onyx listened and I took pleasure in making her writhe and come. I delighted in the feeling of her spongy slick walls gripping my hand as she got off on me pressing more and more of my hand into her, pulling out and doing it again, over and over, filling her up.

Once she was sated, I believe we listened to Onyx come over the phone as he stroked his cock for his two happily listening partners thousands of miles away. He grunted and groaned and we encouraged him as he got to the edge, asking him to come for us.

Then attentions were turned to me, though I protested a little because I hadn’t completely been able to come despite wanting to and also I was feeling a little insecure about coming with Marla while on the phone with Onyx, I was stupidly thinking that he would prefer to hear her be fucked than me. This way of thinking has since been cleared up, but it was present at the time.

I lay on my back and Marla began rubbing my clit and pressing her fingers into me, doing what I had done to her earlier, fucking me with her fingers while I sat back and took it. I told Onyx what she was doing so that he knew what was going on. I moaned and writhed as she fucked me so wonderfully, and despite my previous inability to I ended up coming while she fucked me with Onyx on the phone. It wasn’t as hard as any of us would have liked, but it definitely was an orgasm.

Onyx declared that he wanted more pictures, so we ended up taking a few for him and chatting until we decided we really needed to order something to eat. We decided on Thai food and after much roundaboutness and much distraction (read: fucking) we ended up getting it a few hours later. Sitting in bed we ate our food, Marla’s first introduction to Thai food, and made makeshift chopsticks out of coffee stirrers.

We lounged, fucked, talked with Onyx, twittered, and played Mafia Wars and My Zoo for the next few hours before as we got in touch with Jay and Ellie who were at Sex 2.0 and were staying a couple extra days after the conference to see the sights and such. We all decided to meet up to go swimming and just generally spend some time with each other.

Once we got more fucking, fooling around, and cuddling out of our system we finally got our suits on and headed to the pool waiting for Jay and Ellie to arrive. We had the desire to have some pool sex, but there was a lifeguard and other people around, but we did sneak in much fondling and groping under the water. Ellie and Jay arrived for the last 20 minutes or so of swimming, then we all headed back to our room to dry off, change, and chat.

After much great conversation about a wide range of topics they left and we were alone again and hungry! We called Onyx, ordered food, snuggled, and again ate it in bed. That night we were too damn tired to fuck again, which was pretty remarkable. We lay in bed cuddling and drifted to sleep in each others’ arms.

The next morning we awoke later than we would have liked, and after cuddling we immediately started packing and getting ready to go. We had to be out of the hotel by 11 but Marla did not have to head back home until about 1pm. I nearly cried while we were packing, knowing that we were going to part. After packing and hurrying out of the hotel we got to her car and headed to the same Thai restaurant we had delivered to us the day before.

We were both filled with sadness that we would have to part so soon and ate our meal sitting next to each other and often holding hands. There were moments tears filled my eyes and I wanted to cry for I was anticipating the missing of her and having to say goodbye.

Once we were finished we made our way to the Bolt Bus and said goodbye in her car. Many tears and hugs and kisses were exchanged, although I teared up I didn’t cry as hard as she did because I wanted to be strong for her and help her with the pain I had been struggling with for hours. It took us quite some time to actually part, preferring to linger in each others’ presence for as long as possible.

I watched her car until she was too far away to see, waving and sending my love with her for her long drive back home. We exchanged texts and calls while she was driving home and I was on the bus back to New York. I had a couple more days in New York after that, but quite literally all I did was sleep and see my sisters, recovering from the amazing weekend and lack of sleep. On Wednesday I made my way to JFK and headed back to Seattle.

Five Things

…that make me constantly and undeniably happy.

In no particular order.

  1. Two hour phone calls about nothing and everything that feel like they only spanned fifteen minutes.
  2. Exchanging “I love you” in a mumbled half-asleep state while snuggled perfectly.
  3. Silences when we have nothing to say, but aren’t awkward or uncomfortable, just there enjoying the others’ company.
  4. Meeting for lunch mostly just to see each other in the middle of the day.
  5. Sharing love with two amazing people, without restrictions or boundaries, but often with a good dose of overanalyzation. ;)

Microfantasy Monday – Morning

The idea behind Microfantasy Mondays comes from Ang of Sweltering Celt.

This week’s theme: A perfect lazy morning.

Too-bright sunlight offends my eyes as I blink in the late morning light.

Letting out a soft groan I stretch and roll over onto my back reaching over to find his hand I clutch it to my chest before my head turns, gaze catching up a second later. I watch him for a few moments before rolling over yet again, this time putting his arm beneath my head and snuggling up into the crook of his arm the way I love to do.

Perfection is how we fit together.

A contented smile curls the corners of my mouth, looking up into his sleeping face as I move my lips just slightly to the left and sink my teeth lightly into his exposed nipple, trying to be gentle since he’s not as much of a fan of pain as I am.

As I watch him stir my hand slides down his side only to rest just above his cock, stroking there softly, teasingly, before moving to kiss him good morning.

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