loving – Page 8 – Purveyor of Pleasure

A collar like one of these two, or some combination thereof (but not ruby, like the first one is, garnet, which closely resembles what Master first described to me to be the collar he would like to get me:
(14:49:41) (@living`dead`pet) so, i decided that mentioning wanting to buy me a collar but then not getting one is not nice, despite of the fact that you can’t find one. that’s not the point.
(14:50:20) (@Pan) Oh I am getting you one
(14:50:33) (@living`dead`pet) i know
(14:50:58) (@living`dead`pet) but i want it now =P
(14:51:16) (@Pan) Maybe I’ll get you a fairly basic one at first until I can afford to have another custom made
(14:52:35) (@living`dead`pet) it could work
(14:52:47) (@living`dead`pet) i don’t completely mind waiting, only i do
(14:52:50) (@living`dead`pet) if that makes sense
(14:52:52) (@Pan) The one I envision would be pretty pricey, but very pretty
(14:53:02) (@living`dead`pet) oh?
(14:53:51) (@Pan) mmmhmmm
(14:55:01) (@Pan) Thinking of an all metal collar, with three rings and set with garnets
(14:56:13) • @living`dead`pet grins
(14:56:23) (@living`dead`pet) that sounds nice. though, yes, pricey
(14:57:38) (@Pan) But a nice leather collar in the meanwhile to let you get used to wearing it would be nice
(14:57:59) • @living`dead`pet nods
(14:58:37) • @Pan smiles

The first one shown is ruby, as mentioned, and I would want garnets, the second one has onyx. We were thinking one ring and maybe a garnet, onyx, garnet pattern or visa versa, something like this:

only with garnets and onyx, but the changing colors and number is correct. It’s super expensive, though, but I love it, and so does Master.

We also figure, with that, since it’s smallish I’d be able to wear play collars with it as well, and I could get a collar to wear at work that would be work-acceptable which would cover that one. So…

For work I want:

in black.

For play I want these two (and more):

And then generally I’m wanting to get both The Master’s Manual and The Compleat Slave both by Jack Rinella, two that go together and have both me and Master read them. Also wanting SlaveCraft which is written by “a grateful slave” and Guy Baldwin. They both seem interesting. I also want tons of other bondage books, but those are my current top-of-the-wishlist.

Today is my one year anniversary of moving to SLC. I’m listening to a couple voice posts I made on livejournal last year, including the revelation that I would be moving here. I’m thinking over the last year, as well, and all the things that has happened, and how short it seems.

Master and I are definitely at a different point than where we started when we started being 24/7, but we still aren’t nearly where I would like us to be, I think he agrees… I think. Sometimes I wonder if he would really want all the things I do, he doesn’t really like to be strict, he likes to give me leeway and let me get away with things… and while part of me likes and takes advantage of that, the other part of me…

Part of it, I think, is we need to set aside time, which I’ve been saying for a while. A lot of it is I need to feel better about myself, lose some weight, actually do some of the things I keep saying I will. I have been feeling disappointed in myself lately. Disappointed and ugly. It’s not a great thing to feel. And when I feel like this, I don’t want to give myself to someone else, I don’t feel worthy of giving myself to someone else. It just doesn’t quite work.

I question how much he wants to be my Master (not that he wants to be with me, mind you). I think he would be more comfortable as a Dom or Top, but I haven’t given him that luxury, and I think it’s hurting us a little. I question how much I want to be his slave, also (though, again, not that I want to be with him). I question how much I can give, how much I can trust, and how much I can rely on him.

We were at different places before I moved here, and I realize that more now, and we’ve had conversations about it. I was fully committed to him, and he wasn’t. Now he is to me, but I’m having trouble getting over that initial betrayal, not consciously, but my unconscious is driving my actions lately.

Whenever I feel bad, I shut down, close off, and he doesn’t know what to do when I do that, and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if I know how to not wall off when I do that. I’m trying, but… it’s difficult.

I go in waves, wanting to be his slave, wanting to be away from him, wanting nothing to do with him. Mostly it’s my stuff, honestly. Mostly I’m not opening up, I’m shutting down and running away for various reasons.

He recognizes mistakes, he knows I have trouble trusting him, and I don’t make it easy on him. I don’t make it easy at all, but he’s never let me go, and he’s never given me a reason to leave, only I have done that. Some days I’m so worried about losing him that I pull away and push him away at the same time, I try to distance myself because I’m sure I’m not good enough, or pretty enough, or too fat, but he pulls me back in. He’s wonderful like that.

I have no regrets about moving here, though I wish we lived alone, and I wish we could get out of this rut, and I think the former perpetuates the latter in some senses. I think I would do more if there weren’t other people in the house. I love my roommates, but I don’t want to live with them, I want our own space, and they both are “working” on moving out… we’ll see how soon that happens.

I’m very happy with him, and I’m happy to be with him, though not as happy to be in SLC (I’m much looking forward to going to San Fran), but it’s better than being in Ashland without him.

One year later, and still going strong.

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: loving

Things I Want

One whole year