Tag: loving Page 6 of 8

The Cactus

On September 2, 2008

This was written by my wonderful Dominus. I think it’s beautiful (of course I would, it’s about us) and so I wanted to share it with you.

He and I have talked about him doing guest posts on here, which I was going to make this one except he preferred it if I posted it as a quote from him rather than having him post it from his account. Hopefully we shall see a few posts from him in the near-to-distant future.

The Cactus

The Desert almost claimed me

This salted Wasteland
So barren in its Homogeny

I withered

And to survive
I became a Cactus
A natural part of the Desert

Yet not letting anyone past my spikes

And I endured

Until I saw the Lotus
Stubbornly refusing
To wither under the heat

Unwilling to become part of the Desert
Reminding me that even a Cactus

Can bloom

Relationships End and Other Fears

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 31, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

Everything I know about relationships means that Dominus’ and mine will never last. At some point we will find that we no longer fit together like we once did. Is it logic or fear that is telling me that? Sometimes I’m not sure. I don’t completely believe it, but I don’t not believe it.

Part of me can’t imagine a reason for ever needing to leave, and that in and of itself scares me. We are both solidly committed to the growth of the other, of bettering the life of the other, and we are both poly, so I can’t see myself ever needing to leave him for someone else as there are other wonderful poly people out there and I’m sure some or many of them are compatible with me/us.

I read about people who have been together for long periods of time and I wonder how they do it. Maybe it is because all of my immediate examples of relationships just tell me that things don’t always work out the way they should. I’ve grown up with the idea that people fall apart and love isn’t always enough replaying over and over in the relationships I’ve witnessed. My experience of relationships is such that I question commitment.

I know this is typical, I do have a degree in Psychology after all and I’ve read about attachment theories and imprinting of relationship patterns and all of that. I can point out the way that this is both logical (for my brain) and fear-driven but it wouldn’t necessarily be logical for anyone else, because it’s the way my brain works. I also continually compare my relationship with Stian to my sister’s first big relationship, because in some ways they are eerily similar and even though in other ways they’re worlds apart it’s easier for me to see the similarities… that is a bit of a side-note though.

I feel like I’ve been running hot and cold lately, and I’m not sure what to do about it. There are some days when I can’t imagine my life without him and there are others that I can’t imagine being with him forever or even for long. My sex drive has been rather diminished lately, and I’m not quite sure of the cause. I’ve been playing with toys for reviewing, and we’ve had sex just not a lot recently, and not as much as I have been before.

It all comes back to my preset ideas about relationships as well as my general unhappiness with my bodily health and living in SLC. I’m working to change the two big things I’m unhappy with, but for an instant-gratification junkie like me it is difficult to have the two big things making me depressed both not being able to be fixed quickly. In order to change my unhappiness with my bodily health I’m having to change the way I think about everything regarding what I put in and do with my body, but the big changes will take a lot of time. In order to move out of SLC we have to wait until we have the money to do it.

As for my preset ideas about relationships… well, we’ve been living together for two years, we’ve been together for over three, and I’ve been thinking about that a lot, since we just had two of our anniversaries within the last month or so. My relationship fearing brain tells me that we have been together for a long time and that means our time must be running out. I worry that because we’re not having sex that means he no longer desires me, which means he’s growing tired of me, which means he may reject me, which means my fears about relationships ending are somehow validated. When in reality I know he is tired from working so much and that if I initiated sex we would have it, I’m usually the one who initiates and I haven’t been lately first because I haven’t been feeling very sexy, and now because I don’t feel very desired.

The catch, of course, is that because I feel he doesn’t desire me as much I’ve been pulling away from him. I’ve been not initiating sex even when I want it, I’ve been waiting to see if he will take the initiative while at the same time knowing that he’s tired from working his butt off most of the week and that he’s feeling me pull away which makes it less likely he will initiate anything, and my pulling away means that he pulls away because I’m pulling away… basically it’s a cycle that is never-ending until we talk about it and it’s hard to talk about when we’re in the middle of it.

That’s what this post is for, though. This is my way of processing the situation and getting to a place where I understand it enough to bring it up and talk about it. This is the first step towards change: realizing the problem on my side so that we can talk about it and come to a resolution. We talked a little the other night about things that have been bothering us, but we didn’t get to the heart of the issue. Most of our problems come down to the same things: we both have a huge fear of rejection and we both have highly developed defense systems. Put those two together and we get into these cycles which will go on until one of us brings it up. One of us meaning me.

Basically what I’m saying is: I need to go ask him to come into the bedroom on our new red satin sheets (which we have yet to fuck on) and play, touch, tease, flog, and fuck our brains out.

Kissyfaced Love HNT

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 28, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, Introspection

Click here for the larger version.

So, I’m cheating a little. This pic was taken a while ago, January of 2007 in fact, so a damn long ago considering what I am posting it for. Today marks two years that I’ve lived here in Salt Lake City. Exactly two years since I made the horrible decision to move to SLC but the wonderful decision to be with the wonderful partner, lover, friend, and Dominus I have here.

I wrote not too long ago about the first of our three anniversaries, the day we met face-to-face, and this is the second. The third comes in November, and we’ll get to that one when it comes.

I never planned on moving to Salt Lake City. I can’t say it was ever even remotely near my to-do list before meeting Stian, and it wasn’t on there until my birthday 2007. We had been planning on moving to Portland (or, I had been anyway). I needed to go to a different school in order to get the degrees I was wanting, and he wanted to get out of SLC, so it was a win-win situation. I applied and got into PSU and even got WUE there and everything. I was looking for apartments and working out all the moving details when I came to visit him here for my birthday.

Honestly, I had kind of a horrid time that visit. It wasn’t very long, but he had just taken a new job in the middle of our (my) planning on moving to Portland, and I felt like we didn’t have much alone time because of his roommate at the time. I was hurt and upset and needing to talk things over but we didn’t really have the time until it all came tumbling out late that night. I was upset, I cried, and we talked about our options. He suggested I could move to SLC, we checked out the U of U and they had the degrees I desired. I wasn’t really that excited about the idea in general, but I wanted to be with him.

I started warming up to the idea more when I went back to Ashland. The more I thought about it the more it worked, though going to the U was a problem. I decided first that I would wait until December, that I would take another quarter at SOU and then move to SLC after, giving me time to figure out all the school issues and more time at SOU instead of leaving so suddenly. That was the plan for a while, anyway, but as time drew on I was just so impatient to be with Stian (it had already been a year of being apart, after all) that I looked into getting here as soon as possible.

It was a whirlwind of only about four weeks from the time I decided I would move here to the time I arrived. I worked the night before, Sunday, until 2am and then caught a plane at 6am (6:18 if memory serves, yes, I did post this exactly at that time) and headed here. I had that Monday to get used to everything before having to start classes on Tuesday (though I had already missed the first three days of class). It happened very quickly, and although parts of me still wish I would have done things a little differently, the rest of me knows that it was the best thing to do with the options I had at the time.

I love Stian, my Dominus as I have been referring to him lately. While there are times when he drives me up the wall (as is to be expected in any relationship) those times are far less frequent than the rest of the time, when he is absolutely perfect. After three years of being together and now two years of living together with hardly any time apart I still love being with him, and I would do it all again in a second.

The Day We Met

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 14, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, Smut

A couple weeks ago Master and I had one of our three anniversaries. Yes, one of the three. Now, I’m not big on anniversaries, I don’t demand gifts or things like that, and this last anniversary passed with little recognition until a few days later when I realized it had passed. I do like anniversaries for the sheer and simple fact that it is a way of marking the time we have spent together, a way of remembering the day we met, or the day we collared, or the day I moved a few hundred miles East to be with him (those are the three anniversaries if you didn’t figure).

I like remembering the day the anniversary celebrates, so I thought to commemorate the anniversary of the day we met face-to-face (which was actually two weeks ago, July 29th) I would tell you a little bit about that day.

First, to tell you about the day we met face-to-face I have to give a little background about how we met and all that other stuff. I have a little bit of it written in my about page but it doesn’t go into great detail. I haven’t really talked about how we met in this blog yet, just where we are now.

Master and I met online on irc.sexnet.org in late 2004, December or so. I had just gotten out of a relationship and was rather sour on relationships in general, he was still married and rather sour on relationships in general as well. I had been told by a friend of mine that he thought I was one of “Pan’s girls” (Master goes by Pan or Pantos online) as in, someone that he scened with on a regular or semi-regular basis. I had never really interacted with Pan although we had similar friends and had seen him around since 2002, so I told him that, and he was surprised because, as he said, Pan and I have really similar desires and sexual tastes.

Needless to say I was intrigued. I made it my intention to get to know Pan better, to talk to him, see if we really were as compatible as J had said. Obviously we were otherwise I wouldn’t still be with him three and a half years later. We began talking, just getting to know each other at first, and then it moved to more. We both declared that we didn’t want a relationship, that we would just be friends and have fun online and chat on the phone and whatnot, but that we weren’t looking for anything serious. I had a crush offline that I was trying to subtly get with, and I talked about her with him, and we got to be good friends.

We talked about him coming to see me in March of 2005, though only idly, and so it didn’t really happen. We were in and out of touch for quite a while, talking most days but not quite every day, that usual online stuff. One night in June we were talking (he was drunk) and he told me that he loved me, that he was in love with me. I was surprised because we had sworn to each other that we would be just friends, but not that surprised because I had suspected he felt for me more than a friend. I knew I felt for him as well, and him telling me that allowed me to feel what I felt for him. I told him I loved him as well, and we started talking about him coming to meet me.

I moved in June, and went home to Alaska for a couple weeks, and then when I came back to Ashland we started seriously planning. He was going to come over on the weekend of the 22nd, arrive Friday night then leave Sunday night, be back home in time for work the next day and all that. He wasn’t able to get on a flight that weekend, he was flying standby at that time as his (ex)wife works for Delta and so he got free flights. And a side note on the wife thing, they were polyamorous, and she knew about me. He was not cheating and I wouldn’t have been with him if he had been. However, I did know that he had been unhappy with her for a few years prior to us being together, so I was a catalyst–though not the reason–for him eventually leaving her.

Back to the story. He wasn’t able to get a flight on the 22nd, which we both bemoaned, and catching a flight the next day would just not be good enough, since we would have even less time together. Since the Medford airport is so small there was only one flight from SLC to Medford a day, so it wasn’t like he could hop on a flight an hour later. We grumbled and were upset but he told me that he would try again the next weekend. And so, on July 29th, 2005 he hopped on a plane from SLC to Medford, then took a taxi to my apartment and knocked on my door.

I remember I had dressed up for him. I put my hair in pigtails, wore a black button-up shirt and my short yellow and green plaid schoolgirl skirt with thigh high fishnets and a garter belt. I was looking hot, and I knew it. I had just moved into the apartment and had very little furniture at the time, though I did have a bed upstairs, and a chair and futon in the living room, but that was it. The living room was large and spacious with just a few scraps of furniture in it. I opened the door, we said hello, he set his luggage down, and then we proceeded to maul each other. He pressed me against the door, we kissed hungrily, he slid his fingers under my skirt…

The first meeting is somewhat of a blur, honestly. I remember kissing him seconds after he came through the door. I remember us not making it two feet before just getting down and fucking right in the living room. He had me kneel and take his cock in my mouth while still against the door, then we moved and he fucked me from behind, my cunt and my ass. It was a whirlwind of excitement for the both of us. Nearly eight months of foreplay had led us up to this point, and there was no way we were leaving any inch of each other untouched.

I remember cuddling up next to him lying there on the floor of my living room, both of us spent and happy after an uncountable number of orgasms. We were cuddling my favorite way, him on his back and me on my side facing him, my head fitting right in that nook that still feels like it’s made for me. We were grinning like fools and so amazingly happy, and all I could think was how perfect we fit together.

Developments, Backwards Steps, and the Path Forward

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 23, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

I’ve been kind of bereft of things to say lately. Not that there aren’t things happening, but perhaps because there is too much happening and I can’t formulate all my words for it. Not a lot on the BDSM front has been happening, really, we’re just plugging along. Master has gotten kind of lax on some things, but only after something that happened on Saturday night. We were sitting, watching a few episodes of season four of BSG, and going to go over to our neighbormates after we were done watching. We got done, he hopped up, said we should go over, and I paused, grumped, and basically took a little bit to get up. He threw a little fit, said “fine” and went downstairs. I was bewildered. I wanted to go, I was going to go, I was just tired and taking a little bit to get up.

He said that he was tired of everything being a struggle. I was so confused, and I went off on how it has been different and he was acting as if it wasn’t, and I went off on how I was just exhausted from working all day and thinking about all the things I had to do all the time, and not having a mental break, and oh so much more. I ended up bawling in the living room, and he held me. I hadn’t really let on just how stressed and tired and overwhelmed I have been about everything that’s going on, but I let him know it then. Since then, however, he’s been a little lax, as I mentioned. I think because of everything I said.

What I can’t wait for, though is to not have to worry about anything of this sort. I’ll still have work (hopefully more of it), and I’ll still have things that I want to do, but nothing mandatory. I have a feeling I will be increadibly lazy. This will also afford me the ability to devote more time to Master and to Kat.

Kat and I have taken slightly backwards steps as well, I haven’t been kneeling next to her in channel, I kind of backed off because of what happened last weekend. I was thinking about it today, though, and realized she didn’t tell me to back off, I just did it. I think I view my submission to her as well as my submission to Master as a burden to them, a chore, something they have to “deal with” instead of something which should bring them pleasure and, perhaps, lift some burdens. I came to realize that I need to have more trust in both of them, that I need to stop thinking about what I think they want and just give myself to them and they can do what they want with that.

If they don’t want me to be submissive at that time and want support from a loving equal, then they will tell me that. However, I think it is harder for them (or less likely) to tell me to be submissive when I’m not being than telling me to not be submissive when I am being… if that makes sense. I think it does. I think that it would be better for me to submit without being prompted to, and I think that would be better and easier for them as well.

I used to think of this all wrong, I think. I viewed submitting as something to be done to me, as opposed to something I would freely give. I don’t and won’t just give it to anyone, it takes a very special person for me to truly submit to them. I can sexually submit to someone easily, but to actually submit completely and totally to the will of another is something which is much more difficult for me to do.

There is a reason why I have chosen these two people, because I love them, because they know me, because we click in some way or another, and many other reasons. But more than anything else, I think, I have chosen them because I have the desire to submit to them, to make them proud of me, to make their lives a little easier, and to be able to show the love I have for them in a very overt and obvious way.

I need to trust that they will be able to handle what I give them, and despite minor misgivings, I do. I need to trust that they will communicate with me openly and let me know when I’m doing something they don’t want me to do, or let me know if I’m doing something right. I need to trust that they will be consistent. I need to know that I’m appreciated, and that my gift is reciprocated.

I’m not to all these places yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was a year ago, and that’s something to be proud of. I’m also closer than I was a week ago, and simply by making this discovery (and the ones which are sure to follow–whatever they may be) I am closer every minute.

That Which We Call A "Rose"…

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 15, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

Someone posted about being named today, and it got me thinking. I have been wanting a ~~slave~~cuntpet name for quite some time now, yet Master and I have yet to find one which suits. Kat has been calling me “lotus” and “flower” which I do love, but that would be my name with her, of course. I’m wondering if she wants me to call her something, like Miss or Ma’am, though I’m more partial to Miss, or something else entirely… I was thinking about that as we were talking today, but I didn’t take the time to ask… I’ll ask her about that tomorrow.

But, my name with Master is one I would like to be able to adopt. He thought about arani, which I like but there’s something slightly off about it… not quite me, I guess. My self-chosen aliases of quadishtu and magdalena aren’t suitable either, as they do have different contexts, and we both want one which can be for him and me only, really. Cuntpet is more of a term for me than a name, as it’s my alternative to “slave.” So… where does this name come from, then? I know a lot of people say “wait, it’ll come” and that we’ll find it when we’re ready, and maybe that’s part of it, but I also want one now so that we can start working with it. Perhaps cuntpet just needs to be that for now, although that is also an alias I chose for myself, not something he chose for me.

The concept of having a name given to me, or chosen for me by my Master or Kat is one which I enjoy. It definitely creates an atmosphere of submission, without really having to do very much. It shows the hold they have over me, as they have the will and ability to change my name at any given moment. I love mental aspects of BDSM, and this is one that would fall into that category. I also believe that names hold great power, that they influence one’s life profoundly, which is also why when naming anything (generally pets) I have rules which I follow (I got this from my mother), and I make sure they always have three names, and names which fit them.

It’s finding a name with Master that’s the trouble. I’m sure he would like to name me a goddess, arani is a goddess of sexual fire, and I’m sure that’s the theme he’s wanting, but nothing seems to fit. I forget the other option, but I liked it much less than arani. I will probably just have to wait and see what we come up with, but in the meantime I want to start conditioning that switch in me to be associated with a name. However, I will just have to wait. Perhaps we need to find one in the meantime to work with, aside from cuntpet. I do enjoy cuntcake, it’s one I thought up today, hehe, but it wouldn’t be a name. Perhaps something simple, like lotus is simple and pretty and me, I love that she chose that for me. Maybe tigerlily, or simply nymph…

Any suggestions? Do any of you have names you’re called, or have you named your property something else?

Is Vanilla Really an Option?

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 6, 2008

In a Relationship: Kat & glen, Identity: Submissive, Polyamory

Kat and I were talking the other night, as I mentioned in my last post, and, well… some interesting, crucial, and rather disappointing information was brought to my attention. I haven’t really talked about mine and Kat’s background and friendship, so I figure it’s about time. Kat and I have known each other online for about two years, maybe almost three by now, I’m not entirely sure, though I could probably find out, but the length isn’t exactly what matters.

When we first met, she thought she was submissive. I watched her go through a few relationships until she found glen. At first they were M/f, and it was the first relationship I saw her in that I knew just felt right, all the others, well, they were good, for the most part, but they didn’t seem to click the same easy way as she and glen did. They were wonderful together, they knew it and I knew it. A few months into their relationship, they decided to experiment, as Kat as a submissive wasn’t going as well as they’d hoped. She dominated him, and they ended up loving it, and switching roles. Now, they have been F/m for quite some time, and they are both happier. Kat, especially, is so much less volatile and irritable than when we first met. It’s like they center each other, and they are so good together.

What does this have to do with Kat and me? Well, not a lot directly, though Kat, a friend of hers, Master, and I are going to all go to England in about a month (May 10th). Master and I are going to meet Kat for the first time, and we all are going to England to meet glen for the first time. It is going to be amazing.

Kat and I have been attracted to each other for quite a while, and glen has always been comfortable with us together (they have been exploring poly as well in general, but that is another topic), and Master and I are poly and he knows how much I care for her as well. We have talked extensively about how there’s pretty much no way that we won’t at least kiss, and probably do more than that, when we meet and in England. I’m all about it.

We have never done anything past snuggling and kissing, however, not online that is, as that’s the only medium we have. Neither of us really do much online, but we have toyed with the idea of scening with one another (that is, basically, having cyber sex only in a better term). We have talked, as well, about D/s and our relationship. It hasn’t been that much of a thing until the other night.

One time when I was on molly I was online and told her I loved her and wanted her to dominate me the next day. Later, when she was online and on vicodin for an infection she had, she professed love and we did a small amount of fooling around, a little more than our usual. It seems that we need drugs in order for us to get anywhere sexually, heh. I think this is because we both have the worry that we will ruin our friendship if we go anything beyond what we already are, but we are growing distant from each other at the same time, both of us wanting more, but not able to bring ourselves to do so.

As for the D/s part, often when it comes up she will say something like “do you really think of me that way?” or “would you really want me to dominate you?” My answer is always “yes!” or some variation thereof. I’ve thought of her more and more that way since they switched. Honestly, I wasn’t very attracted to her when she was a sub like me, I’m not much of a switch, and I’m not much of a fan of simply vanilla, so I prefer my partners dominant and kinky.

She said something the other night, though, we were talking about us again, our relationship in general, and we were talking about me a lot as well. This was the night before Master and I started to work things out. I was talking with her about my issues with him and what was going on. I was thinking a lot about what would help me get the domination I crave, and I mentioned that maybe if I was more submissive acting generally I would get domination more, from both her and him. She replied in a usual way: “but would you really want to submit to me?”

I asked her why she thought I wouldn’t, and she went on: “because we’d maybe not be able to act that way toward eachother because we know eachother too well… I mean you, in a lot of ways, are way more “dominant” than me…I come to you for advice and to pull me out of my own brain… in a lot of ways I feel you are like the parent and I’m the child. I feel like I can’t dominate you because you take care of me and are more mature than me” (these are a few different lines kind of strung together). I was shocked.

I mean, on one hand it makes sense, and I think this is my problem in a lot of ways in general: I have this tight control freak way about me. Friends who I come out to as submissive usually say something like “I thought you would be a Domme.” I think this was the problem with me and Master for quite some time, as well. I simply don’t act like a submissive. I really don’t. I am strong willed, feisty, sarcastic, and I don’t back down or give in easily. I really don’t have a submissive personality, but I crave domination. This can make things quite difficult.

I’m rather disappointed, really. I can’t help but wonder if she saw me as submissive, if I started acting submissive toward her, if that would help or change her mind. She also said “I think I’d have to be vanilla with you really.” I’m still thinking and obsessing over this. We haven’t really been able to talk about it since then, either, we haven’t been online at the same time. I don’t know if I would want to be vanilla with her. I really do see her as a Domme now, and I know how amazing she is, and I want her to dominate me. I’ve wanted this for quite a while, really, but I’m just so horrible at asking.

I just wonder if she could ever see me as submissive, since she doesn’t now. The thing to do right now, I think, is to talk to her about it. I don’t know how I feel about us being vanilla, but if we can’t be D/s, then I don’t know. There’s a disconnect here, and we need to fix it, and maybe that is what has been driving us apart lately as well. She’s known that I want her to dominate me, though I don’t know how much she has believed it. I’ve known she’s had a reluctance to it. Perhaps it’s just not meant to happen this way. I’m sure I’ll talk more about this later.

Too Much Love? Never!

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 27, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

From What’s love got to do with it? by cunt:

“What will happen is that I’ll end up with a case of the “wifies”. Girlfriend syndrome, I’ve heard it called. A time when expectations dip into romance and tenderness, when I begin to think I deserve to be treated more as an equal than a subordinate, when I assign more importance to my needs than to his, when I expect to be courted and wooed and romanced into sex and service. When I can sit on the couch, with my feet up, and ask HIM to fetch ME something.

“A time when his requests are met with an eyeroll instead of a pleasant nod, when he’s answered with grunts or heavy sighs instead of “Yes Master”, a time when I stomp away, scowling, and thinking to myself, “what about ME, you selfish prick? I’m tired and I’m stressed and my head aches and.. and.. and.. etc. etc.! What makes YOU so special?”

What makes this so hard for him to see is because he loves me as deeply and fiercely as I love him. He doesn’t immediately see it for what it is. Instead, he lets the love, and the natural urge to please the one you love, override what should be the response of a Master. He responds as my husband, with gentleness and concern. He babies me, pets me.”

I think this is our problem as well, and it’s not a bad problem to have in some ways, I mean, I love that he loves me and we have this connection and he understands when I have a lot of things to do, and he understands when I’m stressed, and he understands that school comes first, even before him. But, soon that will be over, and I won’t have school at all, and I will be able to devote most of my time to him, and the rest of my time to work. This is something I’m highly looking forward to, and I think it will change our dynamic.

Also we are going to have our house to ourselves and only ourselves, we are going to have a different bedroom and a different energy again, we will have a completely new and different situation, and we are going to go on vacation for three weeks which we can devote to each other.

We loved each other before we were O/cp, really. We came upon our love unexpectedly, both of us just looking for a friend with benefits, someone to fuck and pass the time with, someone who we were extremely sexually compatible with, and we found each other, and we are extremely sexually compatible. We were all about kinky sex more than the Owner/cuntpet relationship, though both of us wanted that, or I wanted that, and I’m not sure what he wanted, but he knew what I wanted, what I’ve craved, and he agreed with my descriptions of my desires, so that’s something. We weren’t really O/cp until long after I moved here.

I would get moody and irritated because we wouldn’t do anything, but it was nice, also, we were learning to get along with the vanilla aspects of each other, and I was learning to trust him again after what happened while we were apart. My trust in him was built and broken a few times during that period, but mostly broken due to my own insecurities and pushing away of him. We learned how to navigate each other, though not completely, but I don’t think that anyone can learn to 100% navigate someone else, because we’re constantly changing and so is the way to navigate us. However, it was a very useful time.

About a year ago I started really pushing for our work as Master and slave (or, now as I refer to it our Owner and cuntpet relationship), I wrote up our contract and we talked about it a lot. We’ve been struggling along ever since. This has been a slow process for us, juggling our love and our feminism and our O/cp and my school and his work and our roommates and our lives in general. Nothing is perfect, but we are working on it, and that’s what’s important. I need to learn how to initiate my submission, which is difficult for me, and he needs to learn how to initiate his Dominance, which is difficult for him. We end up stumbling through it every so often, but it doesn’t always work.

I desperately want to do more work on us, have us do more work on our O/cp relationship, have us work harder on it and on what we want. Once our roommates move out completely and I clean the house and we can keep it clean easier, and I graduate, and we move our bedroom, and we change things around, and we go to Europe, and I get a new job, THEN we can devote ourselves 100%. For now, I’m realizing, we really do not have the time to devote. And that’s fine, as long as we find it eventually. I’m realizing just how much we can actually do vs. how much I want us to do, and trying to realize the balance. I still expect to be fucked, and I still want to be dominated more frequently, but I won’t expect it to be perfect or to be closer to 100% until after we figure out other things.

Will of Another

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 15, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

Why is it so difficult for me to push aside my will and ego and give in to another? Though… putting it like that, it kind of makes sense why, heh. It’s a difficult thing to do, especially for those who have spent time specifically building up those two things. I used to be a pushover, I’d do anything for anyone, and I tried to make everyone happy. I found out that by doing that I was hurting myself, and so I needed to stop. I learned how to stand up for myself, how to say no when I needed to, how to do what I wanted. I learned that sometimes the best thing to do is the most selfish.

And now I have to relearn all of that, to put his needs first before my own, and it’s difficult to unlearn something you taught yourself for years. And it took years for me to get here, and maybe that’s part of the reason why I shy away from people, too. I don’t know.

I need to learn this, relearn this. I watch others who do for others out of pleasure, and I wonder where that need in me went. It’s still there, to an extent, but I buried it in order to live. I love doing things for others, but I love doing them on my terms, at my own time, when I want to, and not regardless of my own desires, that’s what I have major issues with. It’s like that quote which I quoted long ago “I don’t think it should be up to me when I decide I want to be submissive and when I don’t want to be. ” This is my problem. I need to fix this.

Everytime I think I’m getting better, I’m not. He still insists that getting me to do anything is like pulling teeth, even though there are plenty of times when that’s not the case, but the times when it is the case are the times that are most notable. I often just wish I could slip into that as easily as others seem to be able, that it was more of a second nature than it is now, and I tried to get that to happen with us, am trying but not successfully, and it takes two, and I’m not sure either of us really knows how to do it.

I did something tonight, was difficult, not compliant, not going along with something because he wanted to do it and I didn’t. He said that he does that for me, when he knows that doing something will make me happy he will go along with it even if he doesn’t want to. I inferred from that therefore I didn’t do that ever, though I don’t think that’s exactly what he was trying to imply, and I said that. I do that too, but just not noticeably, because it’s not noticeable if you go along without saying anything when you don’t want to do it but the other person does.

I’m trying to get over my emotional blocks, I’m trying to be more submissive to him, but it’s also hard when he won’t Dominate me. It’s like he expects me to just submit to him without having to Dominate me, and that’s difficult for me. It doesn’t mean he has to force me to do things, just exert his will over me every once in a while, that’s all.

That’s not to say this is all his fault that I’m not submissive to him as he wants me to be. Of course it’s not, and that’s not what I’m trying to say. It’s my fault mostly, but there are aspects of his fault in it, so it’s just a big mess. I’m not sure what to do sometimes, and need a little guidance. Or, I do know what to do, but it’s sometimes hard for me to just do it without being lead a bit.

I Don't Want to Win

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 5, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

So, over the weekend, a few things happened. Master and I had a long talk about issues, like the last post about us. I’ve been extremely resistant lately, more than I would like to admit to. We are finally moving forward in our M/s relationship, we have guidelines, we have structure, and still I resist, and even more strongly, even though I was the one to encourage the changes. I can’t help but wonder about myself in these regards. I was the one desiring it, and yet still I’m the one resisting. How much sense does that make? And, yet, knowing what I do about psychology and about myself, it makes a lot of sense.

As mentioned previously, I’m a control freak. I love being in control, and yet I have the desire to be broken, but not permanently broken but… a temporary breaking. It’s hard to explain. I have such a tight rein on myself most of the time that makes it very difficult for me to give that over to another, while at the same time longing to be able to. I think that a lot of it, too, is I need to know that he is worthy of it, not only that he is worthy but that he can best me. I said this, and it confused him.

We talk a lot about equality, and he said that me wanting him to best me was counter to that, and I agreed. The funny thing is, I want equality except for when we’re not equal. Better to say, really, is I want equity. I want us to be unequal but of equal worth, sort of, while still being able to be called a dirty whore and lovely things like that. I want to be below him while both of us honoring both of our positions, not just his, both of us knowing that we are both to be cherished, that we are both of equal value and worth while at the same time he having power over me. I want us to be inherently equal, but unequal by choice. Perhaps this makes sense.

I recalled to him a story I once read, which was a morning-after story, basically, after a weekend of strict M/s. The high protocol was over from the night before, but the submissive was still acting as if she was in high protocol, just automatically. She did a few things and then took a step back and went “wait a minute, I don’t need to do this” and so she stopped. The story went on from there, but this is the important part.

I want to be able to do that. I want to get to a place where I am essentially broken though broken in a way that still retains my core self) and then be able to have that realization moment and move back into the “me” space, slip back into low protocol, and have high protocol my automatic motion. Currently it is the opposite, and currently it is almost painfully difficult to move into high protocol. Hopefully this will change with what I talked about last time, but we shall see.

This may sound harsher than I mean it, or it may sound wholly unrealistic, but I don’t think it is, not in the way I mean it anyway. It’s difficult to explain, perhaps, and I’m not even sure I’m getting the meaning across, but I’m trying to.

Basically, I need to know that he is better than me, that he can best me at any time, that he is above me, that he can master me with all the implications that term can have). I need to know this in my being before I can be completely his, completely owned by him, and I’m not sure I know this.

I know he is human, I know he has insecurities, but these aren’t the things which make him fall short of this, it’s the other things, the little things. I’m extremely sensitive to little things. I obsess. I nitpick. I endlessly play scenes and past scenarios in my head and pick them apart. I know that if I wait long enough, he will give up. If I am stubborn enough, I won’t have to do whatever it is he asks, because I will win out, I will be the stronger one, I will be victorious. I don’t want to win.

I’m working on this. I’m working on letting go, on giving myself over, but I’m not sure I will be able to allow myself this until I know that he can master me, not just that he can Dominate or Own me, though in a way that he is worthy of Owning me, and that may sound conceited, but it’s true of anyone. To be a Dominant, to be an Owner of someone else you ~~must~~ should be able to prove to them that you are worthy of owning another human being.

This is not to say that I don’t think he is wonderful. This is not to say that intellectually I think he isn’t worthy of owning me, but none of this is coming from a place of intellect, and this is where the problem lies. I have a great trouble controlling my automatic emotional reactions, and these are them. It has taken me a long time to get to this, years, really. I have been trying to write all this for about a week and have been mulling it over in my head for longer. I love him desperately, and I desire to be owned by him, and I desire to be submissive to him, and I desire to be the perfect little slavepet, but I have all this blockage inside that I have to work on and remove first.

Realizing this is the first step to breaking it down. I am amazing at keeping things from myself when I want to. I know that the brain will do this automatically, keep things from your conscious mind so that you can cope with them, deal with them, usually if they are traumatic or somehow shocking. This is a natural thing for the brain to do, but I feel like mine does it more than most.

Perhaps I am just so sensitive, that having the answer shoved at me instead of getting to it gradually and having to actually work at getting the answer would cause me shock. And this is probably true. It’s a water sign thing, really, and I know people who do this more than I do no names mentioned, of course, I could definitely not be talking about my old roommate Chris–yes I’m still bitter), so I’m somewhere on the end, but not quite at the extreme. At least I am trying to dig down and figure these things out.

This realization will do good for us, as all internal realizations have and will. We are wonderfully devoted to each other’s growth and discovery of self, and without that encouragement and the pushing that we each put on the other I don’t think we would have come nearly as far on our own as we have together. This is basically what our composite chart says, over and over, now that I think about it, lol. I’ll have to post that sometime.