Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: desires

Heterosexual Guilt

I suffer from heterosexual guilt. I am currently with a man (as most/all of you know), and I feel guilty for the privilege that affords me. I desire women more, have always desired women more, but I happen to have fallen in love with a man. Deeply, passionately in love. He’s heteroflexible, basically, but not interested in the queer community, though he loves my activist side he is not an activist himself.

I feel like I’m cheating on my lesbian desires and I’m cheating and gaining privilege from being with him. I almost forget what it’s like to be with a woman. We’re poly, so I have that chance afforded to me, and happily I would take it were I to meet someone who that situation would be acceptable for, and I have little doubt that Kat and I will do things, as that situation is acceptable to her, but I want more.

In an odd way, I feel like I should be marginalized, because I’m queer and I feel I should be, because I generally prefer women.

Back to writing my paper on femme as a trans identity. It rocks, and I am going to post it once I’m done.

The Importance of Identity Politics and How They Have Shaped the Queer Rights Movement

Ever since the academic appearance of the concept of homosexuality in 1869 homosexuals and others with non-normative sexual orientations and non-normative genders have been studied and attempted to be defined (Faderman, 41). Many different definitions and labels have been produced to appeal to different factions of non-normative sexual identities, some of which have been taken from slurs and taunts as a means to empower them that reclaim it. Identities and labels of those who claim non-normative sexual orientations help people fit in within society as well as within groups. It is nearly impossible to escape a label in this society.

Some claim, however, that labels based on gender and sexual orientation are imprisoning, and reduce people into one state of being instead of recognizing the complexities of individuals. Through exploration of labels of the past, and examining the current evolution of labels, I shall show the importance of labels within the queer rights movement. Labels, while potentially restrictive, are a necessary catalyst for the advancing of queer rights, because by defining and choosing our labels we are then able to deconstruct and, later, abolish those labels.

When the term “homosexual” was first defined it was labeled both as a gender deviance or a sexual partner preference deviance, depending on the sexologist doing the labeling. In 1897 the label of sexual inversion was given to homosexuals by Havlock Ellis, with which he categorized homosexuals into several different and distinct categories. Ellis was ahead of his time in several ways: he was the first to attempt to categorize homosexuals into distinct classifications, and the first to talk of homosexuality as a permanent identity, which was not widely accepted until the 1920s (Ellis, 122).

“Homosexual” is seen as a clinical term, first used by scientists and psychologists, and while it has been used widely since its inception, the term was put onto those who were deemed homosexuals, not chosen by homosexuals for themselves. Pejorative terms such as fairy, fag, queer, and dyke also have questionable beginnings and lineage. Though, often the people on whom those terms were being applied chose to turn around and embrace them, disempowering their impact by wearing them proudly like a badge.

Before 1973 homosexuality was considered a psychological disorder by the American Psychological Association (APA) and was included in their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental disorders (DSM) (D’Emilio 13). In 1973 it was removed from the DSM but was replaced by ego-dystonic homosexuality in 1980. Ego-dystonic homosexuality was not simply characterized by having homosexual desires, but by having unwanted homosexual desires, which were interfering with the normal heterosexual desires you were “supposed” to be having. This newer disorder of ego-dystonic homosexuality was later taken out of the DSM in 1986, and no disorders regarding homosexuality remain in the DSM today (Herek). The terms gay and lesbian have more personal resonance within the queer movement than the term homosexual because they were not developed within an academic rhetoric and are not associated with the “pathological” disorder of homosexuality.

‘Gay’ and ‘lesbian’ have no specific date of origin, but did not come into common mainstream usage until around the 1970s and the beginning of the queer rights movement (then the gay rights movement), though they had been around for many years before that. The labels for deviant sexual orientations throughout the years since the beginning of the modern gay movement have changed significantly. Starting out simply gay and lesbian, becoming broader and more inclusive with lesbian, gay, and bisexual, then gender was added into the mix with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender, and then come the micro labels which are in common usage today: lesbian, gay, bisexual, omnisexual, pansexual, sapiosexual, transgender, transsexual, transvestite, cross-dresser, cisgender, genderqueer, gender bender, asexual, ally, queer, intersexed, intergendered, questioning, unsure, same gender loving, men who have sex with men, women who have sex with women, two-spirited, etc. The semantics of the movement are slowly moving toward using a catch-all umbrella term—queer—to encompass all of these terms and more. This progression is extremely important, in relationship to the progression of the queer movement.

Micro-identities, for the purpose of this paper, are more defined and specific, and relate to a larger, more well-known or mainstream identity. Dyke, butch, and femme are all micro-identities of lesbian identity just as fag, queen, and macho are all micro-identities of gay identity. Micro-identities have been a part of queer identities since the early 20th century when identities regarding sexual orientation became commonplace. There have always been different terms (Ellis, 22; Faderman, 59). Today individuals within the queer movement are choosing and creating micro-identities which define their own distinctive selves. People are coming up with relatively new terms such as “sapiosexual” or simply stringing a number of micro-identities together to create one identity such as “bio-female omnisexual genderqueer femme drag queen,” instead of simply choosing broad identities such as gay, lesbian, or bisexual.

While identifying with a term can help to claim a part of the self, such terms can also become stifling and limiting in their definitions. The more defined and specific the label is the more restricting and imposing the label becomes. Once one claims an identity they are then often seen as only having that identity, and not given room to maneuver within or outside of it. Should someone claim a micro-identity which is slightly difficult to outwardly express, such as the example above, they are often put into categories by those who observe them which do not fit their own self-identity. By only being seen as one of potentially multiple identities a person is only seen as a fraction of themselves, or by not having their identity recognized by others, that person may be seen as someone they are not. In this society and many others there are very strict ideas of how a person is supposed to look or behave depending on their culturally perceived identity, which is extremely limiting both for people who do and do not fit into their perceived identity (Third World Gay Revolution and Gay Liberation Front 297).

The sexual orientation identities of gay and lesbian are often tangled with a gender stereotype, and there is no way to untangle them (Third World Gay Revolution and Gay Liberation Front 297). The gender identification which is stereotypically related to gays or lesbians is often that of the culturally “wrong” or “incorrect” gender, that is, masculine females for lesbians and feminine males for gay men. With the assumption of the socially correct gender comes the assumption of the socially correct sexual orientation, that is, a “real” masculine male must only be attracted to a “real” feminine female, and visa versa. When the sexual orientation is non-normative, the gender assumption is as well. However, “gender identity, being entirely artificial, has little to do with sexual orientation, this is another way gay oppression is used to keep people in line” (297). While gender deviance and non-normative sexual orientations can be linked in many people, there are also many people who have the socially correct gender presentation while still having a non-normative sexual orientation.

Foucault and other post-modernists claim that through the construction of these identities we are taught ways in which to not only police others to see if they fit into these categories, but also to police ourselves. We must consider, at every moment, what sort of presentation we are giving, if our body and mannerisms are aligning with our supposed gender or not. Because of this self-policing and the sense of permanent visibility of our selves to ourselves, to others, and to society, conformity, and specifically in this case gender conformity, is possible and also encouraged (Wilchins, 69).

Through this idea of self policing we are also able to see how gender roles and identities are socially constructed. Without the constant pressure of society to conform into these gender roles, we would all simply do as we chose. According to Foucault, there was a shift around the historical period of the Enlightenment which moved the ideas of purity and decency from simply decency of acts to decency of thoughts and desires as well, even if they were never acted upon. Since then this has permeated society, we are taught that even our thoughts must be controlled and proper, and this includes our ideas about hetero- and homosexuality as well as what gender we must express and when and where it is acceptable to act in certain ways. This idea of self-policing extends identities which are non-normative, any identity which has a stereotype associated with it, including gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and so on, is subject to self-policing. This is another reason for the expansion into micro identities, especially those which are not widely known or not stereotyped. Without a stereotype that we must fall into we are free to act as we choose.

What the queer rights movement is expanding toward currently is back to a generalizing term that can encompass all gender deviance and sexual orientations while still encouraging individualistic micro identities. It is the youth within the movement who are embracing the term “queer” and working toward the very post-modern idea of abolishing labels. The ideas behind the queer rights movement are becoming more post-modern in theory and activist practice. Breaking down of all the micro-labels into one overarching label of “queer” or simply saying “don’t label me,” which is another strong movement within queer youth, are both ways which the youth of today are deconstructing the idea of labels, and getting to a point of potential abolishment.

When either sexual orientation or gender identity are non-normative, the expression of these non-normative identities works on breaking down the assumed gender roles and assumed heteronormativity of our society. This is accomplished through simply the ability to have a gender identity or sexual orientation which is out of the norm and thus subversive. This confronts other’s mainstream ideas about sexuality and sexual orientation. In this way, the production of micro-identities and labeling down to a fine very specific and individualistic detail allows for not only a wider array of people to consider themselves part of this deviant sexual culture but also for a broader idea of those within the queer culture and queer rights movement. Getting down to these almost nit picky identities and dividing the community into these micro-identities allows for the community to solidify across identities and to form a major movement in which everyone is represented.

Just as in order for someone to come up with the idea of post-modernism society first had to have modernism, in order to work toward abolishing labels in the context of gender and sexual orientation identities we have to define those labels within the queer community. “As Judy Grahn said, “If anyone were allowed to fall in love with anyone, the word ‘homosexual’ wouldn’t be needed”” (Third World Gay Revolution and Gay Liberation Front 289). And so, to work towards that ideal future where these labels and terms for “alternative” and “deviant” sexual orientations are not needed, we first had to go through the process of finding those labels and painstakingly dividing ourselves into neat little categories before we are able to tear down those ideas and live without inequalities. There is a long road to go before all deviant sexual orientations and gender identities find themselves accepted by the mainstream, but labeling and deconstruction are both working toward that, just as the queer rights movement is as a whole.

Works Cited
D’emilio, John. “After Stonewall.” Queer Cultures. Ed. Deborah Carlin and Jennifer Digrazia. Upper Saddle River, New Jersey: Prentice Hall, 2004. 3-37.
Ellis, Havelock. “A More or Less Distinct Trace of Masculinity.” Engendering America: a Documentary History, 1865 to the Present. Comp. Muncy Robin and Michel Sonya. McGraw-Hill College, 1999. 122-125.
Faderman, Lillian. Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: a History of Lesbian Life in Twentieth-Century America. New York: Penguin, 1991.
Third World Gay Revolution and Gay Liberation Front. “The Imprisoning and Artificial Labels of Gay, Straight, and Bi.” Engendering America: a Documentary History, 1865 to the Present. Comp. Muncy Robin and Michel Sonya. McGraw-Hill College, 1999. 296-298.
Wilchins, Riki. Queer Theory, Gender Theory. Los Angeles: Alyson Books, 2004.

Long and Winding Road

I suggested to Master today making a few manuals or perhaps just one manual with seperate sections, inspired by slave,kate’s last post. I think that would be a fabulous idea, and another way to get more definitions of what I am supposed to do and such. He seemed to like the idea. I also suggested we update our contract to add some of the new things we’re figuring out into it, as well as to review it and see what we put in there that we’re not doing/working on.

We don’t really have any set protocols yet, and that is something I would really like. In his expectations of me he said that he wants me to present to him every time he enters a room (a different way if we’re in the company of others, of course), and I haven’t asked for a specific on that, although I should, and this is a reminder to do so. I would also like for us to develop some verbal commands for different sitting positions and such, and define more some other body positions.

We have a long road ahead, but we’re trundling along. We’re making more progress than we have in the last two years (since he collared me). When we were apart there was a definite lack of M/s, then for a while after I moved here we were pretty much having kinky sex and that’s it, we did very little D/s let alone M/s, and now we’re working on both.

I feel happier in where we are than I have in a long time.

Those Little Things

I’ve been thinking for quite a while about my position. For the longest time, since I started my journey into BDSM really, I’ve identified as a slave. Now, though, living with my partner, I wonder if that’s true. I push him, I test him, I try to MAKE him Dominate me. I wonder if this is a problem with me or a problem with him, or both, or neither.

I don’t have a passive personality, but I don’t believe that slaves have to have a passive personality, I think slavehood is based on servitude rather than fragility. I’ve known that I have a Dominant personality for a long time. It doesn’t always show, I’m very shy with new people, and I like to observe rather than participate most of the time, but I am a large and definite personality when I have need to be. I find myself having increasing difficulty making decisions, especially personal ones, but that is not really anything new. I like to let others I trust make some decisions for me.

The other night (Saturday), our roommate was watching Drawn Together with us (fabulous show) and Master got up to go to the bathroom, he said something like “I’d appreciate it if someone would fill my wine glass while I was gone.” And I made a flippant teasing comment (with the intention of filling it) that he could “fill it on the way back.” At this point our roommate got up to fill it for him, even though she wasn’t getting up for any other reason. I was hurt, and I realize now a bit more that it was my own damn fault, but it WAS my intention to refill his glass, I was just teasing and being a little bratty, which he’s told me he likes.

Then when we got downstairs, after a bit of doing other things, and after I did or said something, I was being kind of difficult (I was very hurt at that point) but I was also trying to joke. He then said something about how he wished everything wasn’t a struggle all the time, and I practically shut down. That wasn’t exactly what he said, I don’t remember the wording, but I retorted with “I’m sorry I’m so difficult” in a very childish and hurt manner. His comment, essentially, was just icing on the cake.

We kind of ignored the topic until we went to sleep (we were watching House for a while), after which we ended up talking about it. I cried, I was blaming myself, essentially, I was thinking of how I’m apparently not as submissive even as my roommate, who explained to me that she did that because she likes to help people, make them happy. I used to be like that… didn’t I? I used to, I thought. Maybe I’ve just been fooling myself all these years.

We talked about how I push at him, how I push to see where the line is, how I push to get him to Dominate me, and how when I do that it makes him want to not Dominate me, how it makes him pull away. I think a lot of the problem is that he is very inconsistent. He will let me get away with things sometimes and not at others. I don’t know what he wants from me, and I asked him about two weeks ago to give me some rules, some guidelines to follow to be his slave, and I haven’t received a damn thing.

I need consistency. I need all or nothing. I need someone who will Dominate me. Yes, sometimes I want to be forced into it, and sometimes I want to do it willingly, and the times I want to do it willingly, it seems, are the times that he doesn’t do it at all. I don’t know how to get him to Dominate me, and I am living in this middle ground. I need to know what I’m supposed to do or I’ll just keep pushing and he’ll keep moving away, and I’ll keep being miserable.

Maybe I’m not meant to be a slave, but I don’t think I’ll find out until he starts acting like a Master. He started to, we were doing really well for a short while, it seemed to me at least. And then we went to the damn party and he was drunk and I was irritated and he tried to Dom me while he was drunk a little and I don’t like that at all, I can’t stand it when he does when I’m sober, and that’s when he feels most comfortable to. I stormed off, he followed me, we had a long conversation, I cried, I don’t remember if I wrote about any of this. It was horrible, and I felt horrible, and these same questions came up.

I’m not putting this all on him. I’m sure it would be easier for him to be a Master to someone who wasn’t such a fucking brat, who didn’t push him at the time, who acted socially like a slave (whatever that means). I’m sure I could do more to help him, though the times I feel like I have tried, nothing has happened. But that may just be him not having recognized it, or me not recognizing his reaction, or a million other things.

By the time he usually gets around to Dominating me, too, or trying to, I am so livid that I won’t let him.

I just need rules. I need strictness. I need him to let me know what the fuck he wants from me. But this doesn’t seem to happen, ever.

We seem to talk about the same things over and over, and nothing changes, and I feel there is little that I can do because HE needs to set the rules, not me. I’ve given him training ideas, I’ve told him there needs to be consistency in what he says and what he does… what else can I do?

Truthfully, I’m trying to turn a Dom into a Master, and maybe it’s not going to happen.

And maybe I’m a sub wanting to be a slave too, and that is also part of the problem.

I don’t know. I have to go to work.

The weather today is content, with a 90% chance of bliss

Master and I had a wonderful talk last night. I felt like I was pushing my desires on him, that he doesn’t want M/s but a D/s relationship, that it’s not at all what he wants and I’ve just felt so lost. Part of it is he hasn’t ever really told me what HE wants, and it’s made me feel so lost. Part of it is he hasn’t known what he wants, and part of it, well… this is something we got into last night. He has never known anyone to put him first, and he hasn’t been letting me do that. Granted, I haven’t really been trying to, I’ve been wrapped up in my own need to be able to put him first, it’s an odd cycle, there, but it somehow makes sense.

He doesn’t know how to let me take care of him, because he’s never known anyone who wanted to, truly wanted to, and I guess I haven’t expressed that enough to him. He’s never had anyone who wanted to put him first, who wanted to do for him, who loved him for him and didn’t want to use him for some reason. We got emotional, we both broke down a little. I said we’ve been working on my walls for so long, it’s about time we worked on his, lol. And it’s true, he just has a better defense system than I do, I think.

So, we’re working on it. It was a huge breakthrough last night, and a small step on breaking down his walls, but mine aren’t completely gone either. We’re going to talk more, going to work on it, not put it off, not ignore the problem until it eats away at our insides.

He’s going to figure out what he wants from me as a slave, the next step is to figure out what the one after that is, how to get into this, how we can work on it.

I sent him a text message yesterday morning, which has been mulling around in my brain today as well, and ever since, we had talked about the Master’s responsibility to the slave two nights ago: “I figured it out. You need to let me be responsible for you by letting/making me submit and do for you and make your pleasures my own, while at the same time taking responsibility for me. It is about mutual responsibility, not just you getting more.” I think it was what led to this discovery we had last night in some senses.

He’s been pulling away, we’ve been getting in these ruts, and I’ve been pulling away, we’ve been working on it, but just… not completely, I don’t know. But we’re slowly working on changing, and that’s what really matters. We’re going to get to where we want to be, I know it. He’s going to let me put him first, and dote on him, and fulfill his every need, because that’s what we both really want.

Part of the revelation last night was that he was afraid that all I wanted from him was a Master, that I was just using him for that, as everyone has ever used him, that I wasn’t really wanting HIM. So part of our non-M/s oriented lifestyle since I moved here has been him testing that, seeing if I would leave if he didn’t act like my Master. It wasn’t conscious, but it happened. And I do want a Master, I crave it, and I’ve realized that.

I’ve been wondering for a while if it was something I do crave or something I want to crave, but it really is. It’s something I don’t want to live without, and that was something that came up last night too. But, I want a Master, but I also want him. I was going to suggest that maybe I get an online Master, or maybe if Kat and I further our relationship to the D/s level, maybe she would be enough, she could sate that need, and it’s possible. As it is, though, I want to fix Master and me before I go into that relationship with Kat. I want her, and I love her, and I want to be more with her, and more and more I’m realizing I want her to be my Domme. I think it would be wonderful, for both of us.

But already it feels as though a great weight has been lifted, that we can go further now, that we are on the right path, and we are. It’s taken us a year to get here, but we’re finally nearly here. I’ve stuck with him when he was ignoring me, I stuck with him through all his tests, I want him, I want him so badly, and even after two years I still love being with him, around him, near him, touching him, and so on and so on. It’s not just about M/s to me, but the M/s is also important. We are partners, and I love him, first and foremost, but I also crave to be a slave, and to be his slave.

Changes

I’ve been having a really good conversation with glen and Kat today, and yesterday with Kat. There is a lot of things going on at the moment.

I placed an amazon order yesterday, should get it tomorrow. I bought The Better Built Bondage Book because I want to start making my own bondage gear, and perhaps even sell it, but that will come later. I also bought Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus A dual book with a slave training manual and a training workbook. This should be helpful to Master and me in our work on training, the same with Protocols: Handbook for the female slave, which is described in the comments as “I found this book interesting because often, particularly in newMaster/slave relations, the slave is unsure what to do to serve theMaster and the Master is unsure how he wants to be served. This bookseems designed to help in those situations.” Which I think will also be helpful to us.

My half of a conversation with glen today:

“Kat and I were talking about my issues with Master yesterday and she suggested she be my online Domme, and part of me wants that but part of me is scared of it, and I wonder if I even can be submissive anymore. Master and I… we go in stints, sort of, we aren’t constant, and we’re hardly M/s, more D/s than anything, and I’m working on that, but we both are having trouble with it, and I’m basically hung up on it. I think part of me wants to fix things with him before getting into anything with her. He’s a Dom, and I’m a slave, and we’re trying to work with that. A lot of it is, he was a Master with his ex-wife, I think, but she was broken, she had been abused, she wasn’t so much a slave as it was convenient for her to be. And so he became completely and totally dependant on him, financially, emotionally, the whole gambit. And he’s scared of that happening. Part of him knows it won’t with me. But it’s not a rational fear.

“There’s a level of dependancy that is healthy, though, and a level that is not, and he wants it at the same time as he pulls away from it, so we’re working on it, slowly. It’s difficult, too, because we have these desires and aims, but we’re both very busy people and we have two roommates, so we can’t really do much when they’re around, even in our own room because sound travels… hopefully they should be moving out soon, but, even so.

“We came to the revelation last weekend that what we want (what I want?) is to be able to switch in and out of our roles when needed, which is, I think, how 24/7 relationships should be, being able to go between one and the other so that we have some times when we act like “regular” couples. And the best thing to do with that is to go to the other extreme ’cause we do the acting like “regular” couples thing easily, lol.

“The first few months I was horrid, I was pushing the boundaries, trying to find out how much I could get away with. He wouldn’t stop me. Practically no matter what. It was frustrating and I just got more and more upset and uppity, and he didn’t know what to do or how to handle me. I would get to the point where all I could do is break down, and most of the time I wouldn’t be able to identify the problem right away. I’m very good at blocking out issues and letting them eat at me inside.

“The thing is, I am happy, being with Onyx… it’s the best thing I’ve experienced, I’m sure you can relate. It’s just… not enough, I guess? Not fulfilling enough. I need to feel submissive to him and I want to, but it never quite gets to the point I want it to be. It’ll get there, though, we’ve got time. =)”

24/7 M/s

“We would like to point out that living full-time in role is not the “gold standard” of BDSM. We see far too many players who feel that is they’re not “24/7,” they’re somehow wrong, or not “real” dominants. If this doesn’t sound like the way you want to live, if BDSM is a more comfortable fit in your life when you keep it in scene and drop roles the rest of the time, don’t let anybody tell you that you’re inferior. However, if full-time BDSM does feel like a good fit for you, we encourage you to try it”

Fluidity
“We’ve been friends with many people in full-time dominant/submissive relationships. Our observation is that when we spend time with such people as friends, we rarely see them behaving in ways much different than any other couple: the day-to-day demands of running a life remain the same, and must be addressed by someone or other. And almost nobody can be in full control of everything at every waking moment–or would like to be. While the dominants in novels (and sometimes chatrooms) express their dominance nonstop, in reality this approach doesn’t often work out very well.
“However, what we do see in successful D/S couples is a very strong ability to read each other’s signals and a very fluid approach to moving in and out of their dominant and submissive mindsets–so the couple who at one moment is discussing someone’s problems at work may at the next moment be in full dominant/submissive mode, with the dominance in complete control and the submissive completely pliable to hir will.
“What kinds of signals do these people give each other to make such extraordinary transitions possible? Some might be consciously chosen, like using a particular name (“boy” or “girl,” for example) or a particular behavior (a submissive kneeling, a dominant placing hir hand on the back of the submissive’s neck). Others are less conscious,more intuitive–a tone of voice, a shift in body language. Longtime D/S couples grow extremely skilled in reading such signals and responding to each other’s shifting needs and desires as the moment dictates.”
From The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

Something New

Master and I are going to start a new aspect of our M/s relationship today, basically going with some training ideas, or the ideas in our contract. He wants me to call him Master in front of our roommates, too, and that part scares me a little. I’m a rather private person, and I don’t really enjoy the idea of doing that, but I’ll do it. It’ll be interesting.

I don’t know what other training ideas of mine he wants to incorporate yet, we basically decided on this last night, and I’m excited about it, but also scared, as I mentioned above, but also a little in general. I wonder about my ability to submit, I wonder if I’ll be good enough, if I’ll live up to both of our standards, if he even wants this.

We talked last night about 24/7 type things, about our M/s status in our relationship, about what I want. We didn’t really talk about what he wants. I don’t know what he wants most of the time, and I hope it’s this. He says he wants what I want, but has to get over his initial aversion to it. The last time he tried to enter into a 24/7 thing it ended with the woman completely dependent on him, 100%, and on some level he knows that won’t happen to me, but on another level he’s frightened that it might. This was something that only dawned on me yesterday, and so I brought it up, and he confirmed it. I should have thought of it before, but he doesn’t talk much about the D/s aspects of himself and his ex-wife, and I think that’s probably majorly because he’s not too happy/proud of them. I won’t go into details, as it’s not my right, but I can understand that.

On some level he knows that I am different, that I will not be like she was, but there is still that fear. It’s the same fear I have of him sometimes, though for a different reason. I have that “you’re going to leave me” fear, even though I know he won’t, not for years if ever, I know that he is different than the people I’ve been with/around before, but I still have that fear. It’s hard to get over those preconceived notions of current situations that we’ve gained from previous ones. But together, we will.

So far today I’m loving it. I love calling him Master, I love doing things with him, being with him, doing what he asks of me, and pleasing him in general. I’ve needed this, I’ve missed this, and I’m glad that we’re getting to a place where it’s being incorporated. I feel more alive, content, and fulfilled than I have in a long while.

Things I Want

A collar like one of these two, or some combination thereof (but not ruby, like the first one is, garnet, which closely resembles what Master first described to me to be the collar he would like to get me:
(14:49:41) (@living`dead`pet) so, i decided that mentioning wanting to buy me a collar but then not getting one is not nice, despite of the fact that you can’t find one. that’s not the point.
(14:50:20) (@Pan) Oh I am getting you one
(14:50:33) (@living`dead`pet) i know
(14:50:58) (@living`dead`pet) but i want it now =P
(14:51:16) (@Pan) Maybe I’ll get you a fairly basic one at first until I can afford to have another custom made
(14:52:35) (@living`dead`pet) it could work
(14:52:47) (@living`dead`pet) i don’t completely mind waiting, only i do
(14:52:50) (@living`dead`pet) if that makes sense
(14:52:52) (@Pan) The one I envision would be pretty pricey, but very pretty
(14:53:02) (@living`dead`pet) oh?
(14:53:51) (@Pan) mmmhmmm
(14:55:01) (@Pan) Thinking of an all metal collar, with three rings and set with garnets
(14:56:13) • @living`dead`pet grins
(14:56:23) (@living`dead`pet) that sounds nice. though, yes, pricey
(14:57:38) (@Pan) But a nice leather collar in the meanwhile to let you get used to wearing it would be nice
(14:57:59) • @living`dead`pet nods
(14:58:37) • @Pan smiles



The first one shown is ruby, as mentioned, and I would want garnets, the second one has onyx. We were thinking one ring and maybe a garnet, onyx, garnet pattern or visa versa, something like this:

only with garnets and onyx, but the changing colors and number is correct. It’s super expensive, though, but I love it, and so does Master.

We also figure, with that, since it’s smallish I’d be able to wear play collars with it as well, and I could get a collar to wear at work that would be work-acceptable which would cover that one. So…

For work I want:

in black.

For play I want these two (and more):

And then generally I’m wanting to get both The Master’s Manual and The Compleat Slave both by Jack Rinella, two that go together and have both me and Master read them. Also wanting SlaveCraft which is written by “a grateful slave” and Guy Baldwin. They both seem interesting. I also want tons of other bondage books, but those are my current top-of-the-wishlist.

Page 7 of 7

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén