Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: desires Page 3 of 7

Tendency to Tease

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On April 24, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Smut

teasing
From art-or-porn via img2.voissa.com

I’ve always enjoyed teasing, in many ways it’s a display of power. The ability to work someone up over something, get them desiring whatever it is I’m offering, and then taking it away, usually with the intention of offering it again. That push-and-pull, back-and-forth testing of how far you can go before tipping the other person over the edge is simply delicious.

It’s all about manipulation, but with me it’s manipulation with the end goal of pleasure for both parties instead of anything else negative. Sometimes it’s just gentle coaxing, but the other night I definitely had a distinct goal in mind.

I hadn’t really teased Onyx in quite some time, and I’m not sure what came over me. We were lying in bed and I wanted him to fuck me. I started stroking him, teasing him slightly, and he told me he was tired and that if I wanted to be fucked I would have to get on top. While I’m not opposed to riding him by any means, that wasn’t what I wanted at that moment, I wanted to be taken.

I pouted, protested, and continued stroking for a bit before stopping. I gave a heavy faux-sigh and said that was fine, we just wouldn’t play at all. I had made sure that he was already hard at this point, in the state where he needed me to continue almost as much as he needed to sleep. He acquiesced, we lay there a few minutes more, and then I began stroking him again.

He groaned and arched into my fingers, his cock swelling even harder beneath my knowledgeable fingers. I stopped stroking and played my fingertips along the underside of his cock, pressing against the area right under the head where it meets the shaft. Then I stopped all together.

His hand reached for his cock but I batted it away, stopping him from stroking himself now that he was hard and aching for more. I tsk’d and told him that he was tired and needed to sleep. His other arm was beneath me as I had been cuddled up against him when we started. I effectively kept him from touching himself while I used my other hand to tease his tender flesh.

My movements were quick and deliberate, making sure to bring him up to a fevered pitch before stopping and letting him stay there, squirming and needy, but unable to do anything about it. I juxtaposed those movements with slow soft caresses which drove him mad, just lightly touching his hard throbbing flesh, sliding my fingers across sensitive skin. He fought me, but not too hard. He can easily overpower me when he chooses, but he was loving the exquisite anguish I was producing as much as I was.

We continued like this for quite some time, until the teasing was too much to bear and he growled, slipping from my grasp, grabbing me and moving behind me. He slid into me easily as I had grown wet through my own teasing of both of us. From behind he grabbed my hair as he savagely thrust into my needy cunt, giving me exactly what I had been desiring.

He fucked me hard, quickly, and it wasn’t long before he was coming inside of me, both of us grunting and growling our pleasure into the otherwise silent room. We stayed like that, locked together with me on my knees, both breathing heavily as I focused on the muscles of my cunt, squeezing around his softening cock as we both slowly thrust to keep ourselves connected.

He slipped out of me and settled down next to me, both of us happily fucked and contented for the most part. His hand found my now very wet opening and began to thrust, touching me just the right way as my fingers moved to caress my clit.

On the Transition from Mono to Poly to Triad

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On April 24, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

Onyx and I have been talking heavily the last few days and weeks regarding the things that are coming up in regard to our shifting from essentially a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous relationship and then into the triad we are trying to develop. Despite calling ourselves polyamorous since the beginning of our relationship Marla is the first person we’ve actually opened up our relationship to in a serious way.

While we flirted with the idea of being with Kat and glen last year, mostly that was in an N-style relationship with everyone else as close friends but only relationships between some of us not all of us. Kat and I began exploring a possible relationship in addition to my relationship with Onyx and her relationship with glen. Perhaps eventually we would have evolved into a square or some other configuration, but we didn’t get past initial exploring.

Opening up our relationship has brought some issues between Onyx and myself to light, ones that need to be fixed before we can really move forward. For one, we really haven’t been paying a lot of attention to our relationship, a lot of the reason for that is because we really have not had any time apart for a very long time. We had over two months together when we moved and before he got a job when we were essentially with each other constantly.

In some ways we have come to take our relationship for granted. We are so used to the other one being around it’s difficult not to. Because we lack a sufficient amount of furniture we also have essentially been living in a studio apartment, because we have not been utilizing the bedroom for anything other than storage space. This needs to change, and we realize that.

For another, Onyx is much more comfortable with me being with someone else than I am with him being with someone else. This is something I need to work on. It’s not that I don’t want him to be with someone else, part of it is he’s never really expressed interest in someone else before so it’s a new experience for me. Of course, part of me wants to keep him all to myself, but only a small part of me, the rest of me wants him to be happy and have the same opportunities I do.

Because we are working on bringing Marla in we have begun communicating more often and more effectively, I believe. We are forced to because now we have another person involved and in some ways that’s more pressure on the both of us to make everything right. It’s both helped and hurt our relationship in many ways, which is normal for the monogamous to non-monogamous transition process.

Marla and I have been exploring our relationship quite heavily, and have moved into solid relationship territory as far as I’m concerned. We know each other quite well now, and our attraction and desire for each other continues to grow, even if I’m unable to express it sometimes. The next step is for us to meet, and we’re pretty sure that’s going to happen at the beginning of May while I’m in D.C. for Sex 2.0.

The problem for me comes in when Marla and Onyx try to get closer. Moving now from the polyamorous Vee relationship we have been nurturing into the triad we all desire. The problem stems from my own insecurity, and I really don’t like it at all. In many ways I am threatened by the idea of the two of them getting closer, even though part of me wants them to get closer and wants us to become a triad like we have all been talking about.

I had a dream a while back that the three of us were starting to fool around together and they up and left me, went to another room and locked the door so that they could play by themselves without me. This hurt. A lot. I woke up sobbing. It was not a good time. Essentially, it all comes back to my rejection phobia. It’s ridiculous, because I know they both love me and they are coming together in many ways because of me, but I’m not confident enough that I believe that they won’t stop being interested in me.

Logically I know this is silly, because I know that, like I said, in many ways I am the reason why they are coming together, but the fear is still there. I am working on acknowledging it, understanding it, and working with it to the point that it won’t be an issue, but I fear that the fear will always be there, lurking at the back of my mind.

The fear also makes me feel selfish, because I have no problem with me having multiple partners, but when my partners show interest in each other my insecurities flare up and I’m unable to fully feel the compersion that part of me feels. I am both elated and scared at the possibility of the two of them together.

On the one hand I really encourage their relationship. I’ve been trying to incorporate Onyx into the nightly phone calls that Marla and I have, I’ve been trying to encourage the two of them to explore and interact more so that they can get to know each other better, I’ve been trying to be the biggest supporter for their relationship. Then, when I see them interacting I close up, I send mixed signals, even though part of me wants them to work another part of me is worried that it will work too well.

This all mostly stems from sexual insecurity. It feels strange for me, as someone who embraces sexual expression and sexuality, to feel insecure about my sexuality. I have worked hard on being confident sexually, and I feel that I am in many ways but I’m not in others. Specifically, I haven’t been with a woman for years, and I’m worried that I’m not going to be any good. It’s a silly and baseless fear, but it’s one I have nonetheless.

My inability to be sexual with Marla compounds the issue. I want her, I fantasize about her, I imagine all sorts of wonderful things that we will eventually be able to do, but I have an extremely difficult time flirting with her or expressing my sexual interest in her at all. I’m not sure where this mental block is coming from, but it’s there and it’s not conscious. I’m worried that I will say the wrong thing, I overanalyze what I do say and always assume the worst, and then I watch Onyx and Marla interact so easily sexually and I’m envious and jealous both.

It seems easier for them to interact on a sexual level than on a personal one, and it’s the opposite for Marla and me. She has been pushing us in a more sexual direction but I have been resisting, even though I don’t want to resist. I watch how easy it is for Onyx to say things that I wish I could say and I shut down.

I’m working on figuring out how to fix this, but it may take a while. I’m hoping that meeting Marla in D.C. and actually physically being able to be with her will help me get over this mental block. Being able to explore each other and become sexual with each other on a physical level will help me be able to be sexual with her long-distance I think. Once I’m more able to be sexual with her long-distance I will be able to not be envious when she and Onyx express desires for each other sexually, and I’ll be able to feel the compersion I’ve been experiencing intellectually in my heart as well.

That’s the hope, anyway.

If I Had A Thousand Dollars

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On April 16, 2009

In Sex Blogging

SexToys.com is having a wonderful contest/giveaway called Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree which requests that entrants put together a wishlist of items which totals under $1000.

There are many amazing prizes, including the possibility of receiving “all of the toys on the winning entry’s wish list (up to $1,000) delivered free of charge to an eligible winner.”

Read all the info here and enter yourself!

My $1000 Wishlist

  1. Fun Factory Curve – I lust after this toy, pure and simple. It’s gorgeous, curved just right, and makes me desire to have it. I need to work on my squirting ability and I think this toy could help with that too.
  2. Feeldoe More – Now that I’ve experienced the Share I also want to try as many similar products as possible and be able to compare/contrast them. I really loved the Share as well, and hope the Feeldoe would be as good or better!
  3. Cheetah Corsette Harness – Because I love corsets and cheetah print, what’s not to love? I love the way the back of the harness looks, very feminine and sexy, and because of the print I just seriously need it.
  4. Heart Strap-on Harness – One can never have too many harnesses in my opinion, and this one is so adorable, I fell in love with it the first time I saw it. Cute and heart-shaped, red vinyl, what’s not to love?
  5. Goliath – If I’m getting some new harnesses I’d definitely have to get some new harness-compatible dildos to go along with them, right? Goliath is nice and large and looks simply delicious!
  6. Hank – Another harness-compatible dildo, though more realistic than Goliath, just in case I feel like strapping on something more realistic.
  7. Little Su Natural Dildo – I’d not seen this toy before, but if the positioning of it works the way it says it should I’m definitely interested in trying it out! Plus, it comes in red! Perfect.
  8. Smart Balls – In magenta and black. Because kegel exercisers are awesome, and I love Fun Factory. Plus, who wouldn’t want stronger orgasms and more control?
  9. We Vibe – Supposedly a great couples toy and I haven’t had the pleasure of trying it out yet! Definitely a must-have.
  10. LAYAspot – In silver and black. Again, I love Fun Factory, and I’ve had my eye on the Layaspot for quite some time. It looks like a wonderful vulva stimulator.
  11. Aneros Maximus – The large size of Aneros prostate stimulators, something my partner and I have been interested in trying out for quite some time. He enjoys prostate stimulation and Aneros is one of the best!
  12. Aneros Progasm – In black. Similar to above, looks very interesting, and is the largest Aneros toy to date, as says the site. The shape looks fabulous as well.
  13. Kama Sutra Lover’s Paint Box – Um, sexy chocolate? Yes, please! Sounds like a delicious and sexy way to spend an evening.
  14. Kama Sutra Oil of Love – In chocolate mint. Goes along with the previous, more chocolate to lick and nibble off of delicate flesh.
  15. Sweet Celebration Gift Box – On the flip-side, a kit of vanilla flavors to go with or against the chocolate, and I just love the idea of laying out rose petals before a romantic night of exploration and delicious flavors.
  16. Kama Sutra Honey Dust – Another set of delicious something to lick off of soft skin, this time in dust form that can be sprinkled across and licked up.
  17. Beginner Ball Gag – First, it’s silicone, no nasty rubber taste or smell, thank you! Also it’s gorgeous red and black, two of my favorite colors. Plus, gags are sexy.

Total = $998.53

I have just a small amount left over, though I don’t know what I would do with it. Maybe buy a bar of chocolate because chocolate and orgasms go hand-in-hand.

(Edit) In all honesty, I’m entering this more for fun than actually expecting to win. For one thing, I never win anything, but in reality I know I have lots of toys and will probably end up getting many of the toys on this wishlist before this contest is over. I really encourage all of you to apply, though, because not only is it fun to surf through a site and pick out toys and see how many you could get for $1000, but also because they have some great prizes.

Microfantasy Monday – Growth

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On April 13, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Smut

The idea behind Microfantasy Mondays comes from Ang of Sweltering Celt.

This week’s theme: growth.

This is not so much fantasy, but it’s very micro.

A week ago we were nervous, unsure of what was okay to say and what was not. We had the same desires we do now but were keeping them quiet, letting the idea of them saturate our minds but only disclosing parts. Torturing ourselves and each other with uncertainty.

Each day we get more comfortable, share our words more easily, or desires flow from our lips and fingers as we despise being so far apart. Nearly three thousand miles away our thoughts still turn to the other even without yet having met face to face.

We dream and long for the time when fingers can be thrust into aching holes, wrapped around soft throats, and sucked on by eager mouths. When toys and fingers and mouths can be used to discover all the right places to make the other moan, writhe, and come. When nothing separates us but air, or not even that.

A week ago we had all these desires but weren’t sure how to express them. We didn’t have the permission yet from ourselves, or the coaxing from the other to explore how we fit together. Now we do.

Terms Don't Dictate a Relationship

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On April 6, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Polyamory

I’ve been trying more vigorously to finish Opening Up by Tristan Taormino which, if you don’t know, is all about non-monogamy. I started it months ago but have yet to finish it because I keep picking up other books in the meantime (mostly ones I have to review).

In Opening Up defining a relationship is emphasized, but not in order to box in or pin down a relationship (because the ability to revise or change the relationship at any time is also emphasized) but in order to make sure that everyone within the relationship is in agreement and happy with where it is and how it’s progressing and feeling and working.

Basically, communication is key, and though that’s true in every relationship it can be exponentially trickier in non-monogamous relationships to make sure that everyone is happy with everything that’s going on.

Part of successful communication can be coming to agreement on terms and labels used for certain interactions and activities. I like labels as long as they are recognized as flexible and subject to change. While terms don’t dictate a relationship one can use terms to define a relationship as close to accurately as possible.

Sometimes defining a relationship is a useful tool to use to check in with everyone in that relationship and make sure everyone is on the same wavelength. I’m over-explaining a bit, I realize, but I have a point to make, promise.

The reason I bring this up is because this morning I changed my FetLife profile information from reading “Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “It’s Complicated with MarlaSinger” in the “relationship status” portion and “Switches with Onyx93” and nothing defined with MarlaSinger in the “D/s relationship status” portion to what is below.

fetlifestatus

Little changes on social networking sites like this aren’t really a big deal in some ways, but they definitely do mark a change in the way I’ve been thinking about our relationship that I’m able to actually put that we’re in a relationship quite solidly. I do feel like we’re more solidly in relationship territory rather than the “getting to know you” or “friends who are interested in each other” territory which is where we’ve been for a while, even without the presence of gettin’ down and dirty.

I’m not really sure what the distinction between “In a Relationship and Polyamorous with Onyx93” and “In an Open Relationship with MarlaSinger” really is but I think it has something to do with the stages each of those relationships are in.

Onyx and I are very much set in our relationship, though that’s not to say we’re stagnant or unsatisfying. We’ve been together for about four years and have been living together for over two and a half of that. While we still have our bumps and explorations for the most part we’re really very solid in where our relationship is, which is also why we’re able to start branching out into other relationships. I am in a relationship with him and we are also polyamorous, that’s just how I see it.

Maybe part of the difference too is because Marla and I are long-distance and still exploring the beginning stages of our relationship. To me, indicating that we are in an open relationship also indicates less permanence in our relationship as opposed to being polyamorous in a relationship. That’s not to say our relationship isn’t permanent but it’s not as set as my relationship with Onyx because we are still discovering nuances and facets of each other that are new and unexpected and discovering the ways in which we fit together.

These are just the distinctions my brain is making between the two terms, of course, and I wouldn’t force these definitions on anyone else, they’re just what work for me.

We are still slowly progressing in our own long-distance way, which is really enjoyable and wonderful but also frustrating because, well, it’s long distance.

We’re constantly getting more sexual with each other, getting to that next step, moving beyond the “abstractly sexual” talk of toys and such to much more personal talk of desires and where we think we fit together. It’s fantastic, and I find myself fantasizing about being with her (my latest Microfantasy Monday post was in many ways inspired by her) but I’m also getting anxious for the next sexual step.

Neither of us seem terribly desirous of engaging in sexual activities online or on the phone, preferring to wait until we meet to explore the physical sexuality with each other, but the desire and the drive to do so is slowly becoming more and more apparent. This is definitely a good thing, but also a frustrating thing.

I’m confident that it will unfold in a way that works, though, and really have hardly any doubts or worries about the relationship and how it is progressing. It almost seems too easy sometimes, too perfect for my overlyanalytical brain to handle, but it felt like this with Onyx as well and look how that turned out…

Also, Marla wrote a delightful, adorable, and fantastic post on her blog that you should read in the same style as my five things that make me constantly and undeniably happy.

Microfantasy Monday – Cards

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On April 6, 2009

In Gender Galaxy, Smut

The idea behind Microfantasy Mondays comes from Ang of Sweltering Celt.

This week’s theme: cards.

We were still sitting across from each other when the last of the other players left the room. I watched as she slid one hand through her hair, bit down ever so gently on her lower lip, and shifted in her seat. One leg was crossed over the other before she leaned forward ever so slightly, the front of her dress gaping and giving me a healthy dose of cleavage as she stared at the five cards in her hand.

I moved to rest my right hand on the rim of my fedora, tracing it with my finger as I watched her, enjoying our costumes and our current privacy. We had decided that if we were going to sponsor a game night we should make it fun, encouraging everyone to dress up was her idea, but the three-piece suit and fedora had been mine knowing seeing me in it would make her weak in the knees.

Suddenly standing I moved to her in two fast strides and pulled her to her feet faster than she knew what was happening. I had waited until after our guests started arriving to let her see me in my outfit, and she had been casting smoldering glances in my direction all night. I requested she femme up tonight, wearing a dress I picked out for her, matching heels, thigh highs, and pearls. No panties.

I pressed my body against hers, turning her so her back was against the table, sweeping aside the cards and poker chips on it as I pressed her down onto her back, moving over her and slipping my thigh between her legs. I kissed her with all the passion and intensity the last few hours had built in me. Literally knocking her off her feet and onto the table.

My right hand moved under the hem of her dress and slowly slid it’s way up her thigh while the other moved to caress and pinch one of her nipples. Finally finding her between her legs I quickly pushed two fingers into her wet heat, pumping them in and out as I moved my mouth from hers for a moment to say “You’ve been wanting this all night, haven’t you?”

Craving Control and Lack Thereof

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On March 26, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive, Identity: Top, Polyamory

Our life has settled far from where I thought it would when I first started this blog. Onyx and I were trying for an Owner/cuntpet relationship, which was originally the basis of this blog, along with erotica and such. We were struggling to work in that dynamic, both of us thinking that’s what we wanted. It just didn’t work. Neither of us are cut out for the roles we were trying to adopt, not with each other anyway.

We have found what works for us, which defaults to Onyx as Top and me as bottom sexually, but basically equals and often me in charge outside of sexual play. This is wonderful because this is what works. This works because this is how we fit together. However, I still want more.

I have all these fantasies that aren’t played out because he’s not the person who can give them to me. This is where poly comes in real handy, because one of the foundations of both of our desires for polyamory comes from the knowledge that one person is not necessarily going to fulfill every single need of another person. If that were true, no one would have any friendships outside of relationships (though some people do this, but… that’s a whole other issue). Most needs can be fulfilled, and for many the way to get the rest fulfilled is friendships, for others it’s other sexual relationships, etc.

Back to the original point, however. Onyx and I work so very well together on so many different levels, but anything more than a Top/bottom power dynamic just does not seem to work. We expect more from each other in that situation than either of us ends up giving, which just ends up blowing up and making us miserable. Here’s to getting out of that pattern!

However, I still have these desires for other types of power dynamics. I touched on this a little bit not too long ago, but I feel the need to go into it deeper.

I desire to serve someone who knows how to “put me in my place.” Someone who doesn’t tolerate my brattyness and makes me submit to them, not necessarily in a forceful way to break my spirit, but by sitting back and letting me know that resisting will just mean I don’t get what I actually want: submission, approval, to come, etc.

Someone who will give me tasks during the day, keep me on edge, give me constant reminders of our roles in subtle but demanding ways. Someone who not only wants me to submit to them but who wants to dominate me, who enjoys the challenge, who appreciates and respects me and my ideas but also knows how to talk as equals while also maintaining our power dynamic in the background. Someone who just feels right. Someone to be owned by, loved by, and cherished by. The fucking and coming and beating and moaning would all be icing on top of the power play connection too, of course.

Yes, I realize this is asking for a lot.

On the flip side, I also desire someone to control. Someone I can do the above to, who I can train to perfection and take pride in. Someone I can own and play with and all that other good stuff. Basically the same as above, but from the other side.

I want it all, of course, and often consider changing my name to Veruca Salt.

None of this is to say that I’m dissatisfied with Onyx and myself, or with what I imagine Marla and I will end up interacting power-wise. I simply want to experience all of these different dynamics. The ones above are just two of the possible ones, but the two that I’m currently wanting and not getting.

It’s strange, though, to be both sated and craving at the same time, but that’s how I feel. I’m at once content and desirous of more. Loving where I am, but hoping, ultimately, that I will find people to fit into the other needs I have in the future. It’s a strange place to be, but it seems my constant state: sated but wanting, content yet craving, happy with what I have yet greedy for more.

Finding the Next Step

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On March 24, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection

I’m afraid she’s losing interest, and I’m afraid it’s all my fault.

This may be my paranoid insecurities talking, ’cause, hey, I have lots of those, but Onyx and I were talking the other night about Marla, specifically Marla and me and our lack of long-distance physical sexual anything which is rather important to where we are at if we actually want to progress to anything further. We talk about sex and sex toys and the probability of sex while she’s here, but I’m horrible at flirting and I’m almost frightened to take things to another level because I’m afraid of it being… well, wrong.

My post the other day about when I said that the only thing “wrong” with her is that she’s a Top/bottom switch was supposed to be more telling about her (often scary) near perfection than it was about my actual feelings about switching and set roles or any of the other things I analyzed. I was basically trying to say that she seems to fit almost too well, and the only real flaw I have yet to find is that she does not live up exactly to the ideal I’ve been searching for, but, um, I’m not expecting anyone to because that’s a desire or fantasy rather than a reality.

I keep everyone at a distance. It’s difficult for me to let anyone in, but it’s much easier for me to write about things, so that’s what I’m doing. If something’s going too well my automatic reaction is to push away from it, examine it, try to figure out where it might go wrong so that I can buffer myself against the eventual perceived fall out. Of course, my perception often creates reality because then I’ve pulled back or detached which is a catalyst for what I was afraid of.

Everything’s so new with her, and everything feels so right I’m just waiting for the (in my head) inevitable proverbial other shoe, while also hoping that shoe never actually drops.

None of my pulling away has been conscious, really, either. I’ve forgotten to take my phone off of silent and missed some of her calls. Sunday I was in a really odd mood and wasn’t very communicative with her at all most of that day, which I feel bad about, but I had retreated into my shell, and I wasn’t even that communicative with Onyx who was only a few feet from me at most times.

When Onyx and I talked about this he kept reminding me that it’s my move, that I need to do something to show her that I’m interested, since she’s the lunger in this situation and I’m the lungee, which is a situation I don’t think I’ve really been in before. I’ve always been the lunger, and I’ve more often than not been squashed.

I know what I’d want in her situation, but as the lungee I don’t know how to initiate another level of contact, and I’m also not sure if I’m ready to move to that level for fear of failure. Either failure of me not doing the right thing or failure of our compatibility, because I want this blossoming relationship to be as wonderful as I imagine it will. However, I’ll never know how wonderful it actually is until we start interacting on more of a relationship-level than a friendship-level, if that makes sense. The problem is I don’t know how to initiate that.

I think the thing with us I’m most afraid of is not performing well sexually, not meeting her expectations of me and therefore ruin this entire budding relationship, or just generally messing up and being incompatible in that area. It seems silly, maybe, for someone who is actually relatively in tune with their sexuality, but before Onyx I really didn’t have that much experience aside from one-night stands and autoerotic interactions.

Logically, I should simply initiate a conversation into some sort of sexual area (and not a sexual area that is, essentially, “shop talk” to us sex toy reviewers), or at very least initiate some light flirting to let her know that I’m actually interested, as opposed to what I’ve been doing which has been small amounts of very reserved flirting and not answering her phone calls (though unintentionally!).

However, that’s always easier said than done, especially to someone who has a rather large fear of rejection (I know we all do, but mine is, well, large as it often is the reason behind me choosing not to go to a social event, but that’s a whole other thing… let’s say I don’t socialize much because of it). I try to put fear aside, and I think about saying these things while I’m on the phone with her, but the words don’t come out.

Onyx says that she’s waiting on me to show her I’m interested in more, because she’s given me all the signs that she is, but my reaction to her pulling back (which is probably actually a reaction to me pulling back) is to automatically assume that now that she knows me better she doesn’t actually like me as much, which may not make that much sense unless you’re in my paranoid, insecure, and overanalytical head. Sometimes I think my degree in Psychology is a hindrance rather than a help, though in this case it’s telling me that I’m the one fucking up here.

If only I could convince myself that taking that next step is the right thing to do. Of course, what would really help is if I could actually bring any of this up to her directly. I never claimed to be great at communicating, just that it’s important and I want to be great at it, but I often fail miserably. Then again, my blog basically is my way of communicating, so maybe this post will help.

My Perfect Bedroom

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On March 19, 2009

In Introspection, Sex Toy Love

Inspired by AAG in her post Two Images where she actually quotes an older post from 2005 titled “The Perfect Bedroom” in which she describes all that would make up her perfect bedroom. I thought I would give it a try.

The walls would be a dark royal blue, though part of me wants the bedroom to be scarlet the rest of me says I could paint the living room scarlet so the bedroom would be blue. In one astrology class I took ages ago we did a guided imagery which was an image of our bedroom, basically our ideal bedroom, and mine was a gorgeous dark royal blue. That has been in my head ever since.

The carpet would be “silver” basically a medium dark gray with silver sparkles. The ceiling would be a matching medium dark gray as well, with glow in the dark stars across it in the constellations of the night sky in June (my birthday month). The stars would be fairly visible with the light on, but in the dark they would light up beautifully.

The bed would be a king at least with a black four-postered frame and sheer black curtains but an open top so the night sky could easily be seen. Royal blue satin sheets to match the walls, much like the ones we have now only a different color, silver pillow cases, and a big fluffy black split comforter to wrap up in.

Split comforter meaning, well, exactly what it sounds: the comforter is split down the middle so that each person has a their own blanket, which reduces on stealing in the night. Basically there would be two twin comforters for a king bed (or more depending on how many people were staying there). It works remarkably well, and doesn’t reduce on snuggle/cuddle ability either as stacking of the comforters is easy. This is something common in Norway we found out while we were there last May, both in Onyx’s mother’s house where we stayed a couple nights and in the furnished house his father let us stay in had split comforters on the bed, and I think it’s fabulous.

A mirror would take up quite a bit of the wall to the left of the bed, large enough that I could look over from any point on the bed or just off of the bed and see my (and others’) reflection. On the wall to the right of the bed there would be a small bedside table with a decorative lamp, all black and silver (notice a theme?).

On the wall to the right of the bed, there would be a black vanity table, complete with an oval mirror of course and two gorgeous side mirrors with pretty designs in the black metal. It would have plenty of counter space with all sorts of products on it like make-up and perfume where I could sit and femme up, contemplate my navel, or use my laptop.

To the right of the bed, between the bed and vanity, would be the walk-in closet. Also the same color of blue, with plenty of space for fabulous clothes and dresses, a great shoe rack, and a dresser, all of it sorted and organized impeccably. Yes, my closet is one of the places my mild OCD focuses: all my clothes are sorted by type, length/sleeve, then color.

Against the wall directly across from the foot of the bed would be a large black wardrobe. Not for clothes, obviously, as I have my walk-in closet, but for toys! The top 2/3 of it would have double doors that would open up to show shelves with also impeccably organized lube, dildos, vibrators, and bdsm equipment (from left to right). Mirrors on the inside of the doors. Floggers and cuffs hanging down the right side. Almost anything one could think of. Below the double doors would be a few drawers, including harnesses, larger bdsm equipment like spreader bars, lingerie, etc.

To the left of the wardrobe, across from the walk-in closet, would be the door to the hallway and rest of the house. To the right of the wardrobe would be the door to the bathroom… though that is a whole other post.

There would be a few places to sit, mostly Liberator furniture, all in black: an Esse and Stage combo to the lower left of the bed, Equus and Equus Rest at the foot of the bed, Buckaroo to the lower right of the bed, and an Escape between the mirror and the bed. Of course I’d have all the Liberator Shapes as well, though not out as furniture. I may need some sort of shelving or wardrobe just for them.

Above the vanity would be a poster of Marlene Dietrich (maybe two for some juxtaposition). To either side of the wardrobe there would be posters as well, and one at the head of the bed.

My laptop would be kept on the nightstand for the most part, and could provide music to fit any mood or entertainment while snuggled up in bed. There may or may not be a mini fridge with fruit, water, and ice so that one wouldn’t have to go far for quick nourishment, though the kitchen in this fantasy house would be amazing as well, probably black and silver themed.

And the rest of the house… that’s a different story. I do know that the living room would be all red, black, and leopard print, though, and there would be a play room for our cats with things to climb and chase and pounce on. There would also be a separate dungeon area with large equipment where we could also host parties. Oh, the list goes on…

This also hinges on the idea that in this poly household everyone in the house would have separate bedrooms so they could decorate each of them as they wish and we would all have our own space that we could retreat to when necessary but also have communal spaces like the living rooms, dungeon, temple, library, and probably a communal bedroom with beds taking up an entire wall (probably adjacent to the dungeon). And there’s oh so much more.

Of course, this is all fantasy, a fabulous decadent fantasy but fantasy nonetheless. But some day… who knows what may happen down the line.

Do you have any fantasy ideas about your perfect bedroom?

Marla: an Introduction

By

On March 12, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Polyamory

adipositivity220
Number 220 from The Adipositivity Project

As many of you may know, someone has featured in mine and Onyx’s life more prominently in the last few weeks than she has before. Remarkably, we met originally on IRC quite a while ago, and I’ve always thought she was interesting and someone I’d like to get to know.

Unbeknownst to either of us, she started following me on twitter because of finding this blog and not because of who she knew on IRC. Eventually we discovered who each other were on both mediums, and we’ve been in light contact ever since.

About a month and a half ago we started interacting on a more regular basis. Before that we talked occasionally but mostly in passing. It started with me guiding her toward some toy review programs, and then kinda blossomed from there.

We’ve been talking more over the course of the last few weeks. At some point she confessed to having a “little queer crush on” me. At some point we exchanged phone numbers and started texting back and forth in addition to DMing (on twitter). At some point we started talking about her coming here in June. And at some point (about eight days ago) we started talking on the phone every night.

She and Onyx have been getting to know each other too, not to downplay their involvement, though it hasn’t been quite as substantial. We are all definitely still in the “getting to know you while also crushing” phase.

We’re both taking it slow and rushing it at the same time, in some ways, which is strange, but it feels really right (sometimes scarily right). Onyx and I have been talking about bringing others in to our relationship or having other relationships for a while now, and now this seems like something that might actually occur.

There is plenty more to say on this subject, and there will be plenty more posts regarding the three of us, both what has happened in the last few weeks and what is still to come.

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