Tag: control Page 3 of 4

The Aim of Discussion is This

On June 1, 2008

Well, we made it back to Salt Lake City safe and sound, and only slightly worse for the wear. One of these days I will post a general trip update in my general blog… once I get around to it.

Master and I have been talking a lot, I mean A LOT about what we want out of this relationship, where we want it to go, the difficulties we have with it. I know a lot of the time I make it sound like all the reasons why we are not farther (or where I want to be) are because of him, and that simply isn’t true, but it does feel like that on occasion, as this is my blog, my emotions, my expression of my point of view, of course it feels like it’s only him who is wrong at times.

However, that simply isn’t true. I was talking with Kat not too long ago, however, while we were still in Norway. We were talking about Master and me and my needs and his desires and our relationship and why it wasn’t working and I got to a point of realization. I have said before that I am a control freak, and this is very true. I have come to realize the extent of this control freakyness, something which seems obvious now that I have thought of it, but something I hadn’t quite put into these words before: I need complete control or no control.

Now, no control doesn’t have to literally be no control, but just that the little control I have is given to me and can be taken away at any moment. So, in my ideal relationship situation I would still have control over quite a lot as far as my personal, professional, academic, emotional, and relationship lives, however, all that control is temporary and not something that I have naturally, but something which I am allowed, something which is given to me and which my Owner could take back at any moment.

This is not something which is has been happening in my relationship with Master, and because I often know that I can get my way if I am stubborn enough, or I know that he will cave if I do a certain thing or another, I haven’t been taking his Dominance seriously. Because of that, he has been having an even harder time relating to me on a D/s way than we normally would. There is the problem of him having trouble receiving it when I do attempt to submit to him, and part of that is because of his own issues, but part of it is because I haven’t shown him my submission well enough.

I need complete and total power exchange, or I don’t respond as well. I need to have no choices, no way to say no, no control whatsoever, and I need to be shown that he is capable of this.

My other ideal situation would be to have complete and utter control over everything. This is not something that I have really talked about, either, as I am first and foremost submissive. Lately, however, I’ve been opening up to my Dominant side, and I think I may be more of a switch than I have really let myself believe before. This is a side of myself which I would like to explore more of, online, at first, as that is a wonderful way to explore new sides of oneself, I believe.

While I want to explore my Dominant side, I do not want to explore it with Master as my sub. Though, I could see myself Dominating someone in front of him, and that’s something I’ve done before online, actually, but it’s not something I would want to do to him, nor is submission something I think he would want to explore for himself.

After our many conversations, things are drastically changing. It’s all those little, subtle, teeny tiny things which can make or break a D/s relationship. It’s thanking him whenever he uses me or allows me to cum. It’s having to ask for permission to sit after getting something for him or for myself. It’s having him remind me to call him “Master” (which I don’t always do) or me correcting myself and calling him Master after calling him something else. It’s all those little things that have really made a difference.

We’re nowhere near perfect, of course, and there are many things I still desire to do, and which I hope he desires to do to me, but I feel that we are much closer than we were before, and that we are starting to pick up the pace, as it were. We have talked about numerous other things which we want to change, to do, and many of which I have that hate/love feeling for. The feeling I have toward humiliating and degrading things, or submitting in general, it’s a love for the feeling I will get from it, but a hate for actually doing it.

One of those things is being trained as a pet. I think this will be good for me, good for our relationship, but it is something which I both love the idea of and will hate the humiliation of, but love it at the same time. I want to have to crawl everywhere, sit at his feet while we’re watching tv or he’s on the computer, patiently attending to him quietly, only allowed to make animal noises unless I have something specific to ask him. I would be made to ask him if I need to go to the bathroom, if I need to move at all, if he would be alright with letting me do something, if I could cuddle with him on the couch instead of next to him. I would have to eat my food out of a dish on the floor, drink and food alike. He would pet me and play with me and do as he pleased, my body, my will, my self all given to him.

I want to be tied up, teased, and left, bound, for long periods of time, not knowing when he would come back, showing me that he can do as he please with me. I want to be shown that he can Dominate me completely, that he is higher than me and I his servant, his pet, his toy. I have so many needs in me, and I need to get better at letting him know them.

The Same, but Different

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On May 20, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

Some of you may not know, but I am currently on vacation, or “holiday” as they say over where I last was. We were in England for five days, Stansted for a day and then Brighton, which was where we met Kat and glen. Brighton was amazing. Now we are in Norway, Stavanger specifically, which is where Master grew up. There will be more of an update on the vanilla stuff in my regular journal soon, once I have the time to sit down and go through everything.

There has been a lot going on inside me as far as Master and Kat and glen. I find myself wanting exactly what I posted before about my ideal situation. I can’t imagine my life without any of them in it, and on that far off day when they are able to live together I hope that we will be able to live next door to them, or at least very close. I’m sure we can all pull it off.

I had a fit on I think it was Tuesday night. We had all been drinking, and I had on my wireless remote-controlled vibrator, which Master had been teasing me with all night. I had gotten used to it, but it was still annoying. Outside Kat pulled my hair and I turned into mush, but I didn’t want to show it, though I’m sure I did a little because I was drunk. When I was in the bathroom Master passed on the remote to Kat, which I didn’t know about. When I came back glen said a few things regarding not being mean to me, which I didn’t quite get, until I found out she had the remote.

When it was uncovered, when she handed it back to Master, I realized I would have acted differently if I had known she had it. This sent me into questioning why I would have acted differently, and I realized that I felt more submissive to her than I do to my own Master. I know part of that is that she is now off limits, in some ways, she’s someone I want but can’t have the way I would like, and that makes it all the more painful not to have her. The thing is, I really would rather them be together than she be with me, because I know and have known for quite some time that they are simply perfect together, and the trip just emphasized that. I have no desire to come between them, but I do still have these desires and I’m working on that.

I have a lot of issues with being with Master, a lot of heterosexual guilt for one thing, but also a lot of mistrust of him. I shut down that night, and they gave me all sorts of attention which in one way made it worse, but glen was the best that night. He said the most perfect things to me in the hallway, and things which I know but things I haven’t embraced fully. I’m wondering if I am able to with Master. It’s a matter of knowing that I’m smarter than him in some ways, though not in others too, and also knowing that if I’m stubborn enough I can usually get my way, and knowing that he will forget things that he’s said or not pay attention to the details of things when I will. I know he will disappoint me, or, I anticipate it, and I really shouldn’t.

Part of the reason, too, why I’ve come to desire Kat so much is that I know she is an extremely mental Dominant, and that is what I crave. I can’t be mentally dominated by someone who I expect to disappoint me, and I know that, and I’m working on getting out of that mentality, but it’s difficult. I am better than I was a year ago, I’m even better than I was last week, I think, but at the same time he will have to work on things. Consistency is something which I need badly, and it’s something that I haven’t really gotten, but I’ve expressed this to him before, and nothing seems to change.

I wonder if I’m expecting too much, and maybe that’s my problem, along with the disappointment thing. I’m expecting too much from him and when he doesn’t deliver I get upset and depressed and it’s harder for me to submit to him. I know now that I crave domination, I just need to actually feel dominated, and he doesn’t really do that, but part of that is my fault, because I won’t let him dominate me. It’s a two-way street as I’ve mentioned in other posts. He needs to take control, he needs to make me do things, but I also need to give him that control and I need to do the things he tells me to.

We’ve gotten better, in some ways, just in the last week. He’s calling me scarlet more, and I love when he calls me scarlet. I actually do things when he calls me scarlet, too, which is something I think he’s realizing. I know it means business when he calls me that, I guess, or something like that. I have been trying to have faith, like glen says, I’m trying to put myself in the mindset that he needs my help, my submission.

I have been trying to view myself in the ways that I have outlined in this blog, which I have believed or wanted but not actually put myself into that position. I have been thinking of myself as his personal assistant, and I’m needing to mention this to him as well, as I think it would help him in having me do things for him, which is difficult for him in some ways. I’m his personal assistant, his fucktoy, his bratty/sassy cunt, and his precious pet. This is basically what I said back in my first post about owner/cuntpet, and something I’ve embraced but also not quite taken to heart, and also something I have a slightly different perspective on now. I’ve got much more to say about all this, but that’s for another post.

Energy Flows Constantly

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On May 7, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

When studying masochism, people have these ideas that it is all about sacrifice and martyrdom and the desire to be punished. While this is true to an extent, I don’t believe it’s wholly true. Beatings, humiliation, being helpless, they’re all ways to get to a different mindset, to experience sensation. The only reason why we view this sensation as bad is because that’s what society thinks it is. Pain is bad, pain should be avoided. Pain gives us an endorphin high similar to that we get from drugs. Pain is not the desired effect it’s the sensation that comes along with it.

The same with any sort of submission, be it physical or mental, it’s all about getting to that place of sensation, of giving, of doing for another. The thing about BDSM is that it is seen as so one-sided, when really it is all about giving and taking on both sides at different times. As different people practice and experience BDSM in different ways, this is simply my way, my experience, and not to be generalized too broadly, but meant to be taken as mine.

Basically, someone is always giving and taking and someone is always taking and giving. Giving someone the gift of sensation, as Tops do to bottoms in the bedroom, also allows the Top to take pleasure from the situation, whether it is beating, fucking, making them bound and helpless, humiliating, anything, both parties are getting what they want and desire from the situation. And then, outside of the bedroom, the bottom giving their gift of submission is them able to give themselves overabundantly to the Top, while gaining pleasure from doing so. The Top is gaining pleasure from the submission of the bottom while also giving the bottom reciprocal energy and love.

This is the give and flow of energy.

I’m not sure if I’m explaining this correctly, but it all was very clear to me on Saturday night. Basically, regardless of the situation, it is always time for both the Top and bottom to win. They are both getting exactly what is wanted and needed out of the situation. There is no punishment going on, really, (except when punishment is needed but that is only for bad behavior). There is only giving and taking of sensation, pleasure, energy, submission, and love.

At any given time both the Top and the bottom are getting something out of the interaction, both are selfish and selfless at the same time. This could be said for any relationship, really, but I believe it is heightened due to the heightened nature of interaction within BDSM relationships. Many (both outside and within the lifestyle) see the relationship as one-sided, that the Top is simply selfish and desiring great things from the bottom. However, the bottom is rewarded for hir actions through certain means, and the Top is rewarded for hir rewarding through other means.

Without the openness of both parties, a successful interaction will never take place. This is what Master and I have had such a hard time with. When we were first together, first met, I gave myself to him overabundantly. I tried to shower him with my love, my desire for him, and it was too much for him. He has a hard time expecting others to do things for him, he has a hard time receiving love and being open to it. I get this now, though I didn’t then. It has hurt our dynamic quite a bit, but we are slowly getting to the place where we can work again.

I have been more than receptive of taking from him, and he has been more than willing to give. However, it’s the other way around, it’s what most people think of as D/s, that is where we have problems. I shut myself off to him for quite some time because I was hurting, because I had given so much of myself to him and had gotten nothing in return, so by the time I moved here I was fragile and defensive and didn’t want to give anything to him ever again. This wasn’t conscious, it’s just the way it works. In return, since I was not giving and he has trouble taking, we didn’t do much aside from bedroom stuff, which I see as him giving and me taking.

For quite a while I tried to make him dominate me in other arenas. I was pushing him to take so I could give… it was a very backwards way of doing it, and it really didn’t work at all. I’ve gotten back to the place of desiring to give to him overabundantly, but it has taken quite some time to get here.

Part of what really helped me with the short-lived relationship with Kat was that she made me give myself to her, not the other way around. She wouldn’t do anything unless I was the one to initiate it, unless I was the one to submit to her, as opposed to her dominating me. I only started with her after Master and I had repaired some of the breaches in our relationship, as I was determined to do, but submitting to her, shortly and really not largely as I did was enough to remind me what it was like to be with someone who was willing and desiring to receive what I had to give.

Master and I have been better about it, and now that I’m done with school he’s made it pretty clear that he is going to demand more from me, and I’m very okay with that. I mean… I am and I’m not, heh, but mostly I am. We’re moving to a place that is extremely necessary and extremely important, and it’s taken us nearly two years to get here, but it couldn’t have happened any other way.

My Name

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 23, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

As I’ve mentioned previously, Master and I have been looking for a cuntpet name for me for quite some time, but have been unable to find one that has fit. I’ve been wanting a name as an aid to training, an aid to submitting, a little extra control over me.

So, today, Master found my name for me. I was pondering changing my username on livejournal. The two options I first came up with were scarletlotus and feministfucktoy. Both Master and Kat voted for scarletlotus. So, to Master, I mentioned that I agreed, was leaning toward that, and asked what he thought of having scarlet be his name for me.

His response: I was thinking about just that this morning.

How’s that for kismet?

In addition to it fitting me like a custom-made corset, it also has spiritual associations for both Master and myself. In addition, as Kat calls me her lotus or her flower, being able to use scarletlotus is a blending of Master’s and Miss’ names for me. It just fits so well for this section of my life.

~scarlet lotus sexgeek~

Passion is the Source of Our Finest Moments

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 9, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

Lots has been going on… where to start?

I’ll start with posting about Master and me. Since the last post specifically about us we have been doing a lot better. We’re in the stage we were at the end of the post still: both of us striving to prove to the other that we can do this, both of us wanting this, both of us working on it.

It’s difficult, though, with him working until 10pm, but luckily that’s only three nights a week. There has been a lot going on, as well, stress wise and emotion wise and everything, and I have a feeling we will get even better in a month, once I have less to do and we can focus more on ourselves and each other.

He has been better at making me do things when I don’t, and I have been better at remembering to do them, so it’s really a win-win situation, as I talked about before. I’ve been trying to have dinner ready when he gets home, though I’ve failed at this a little both the past two nights, but I’m working on it more. I need to look back over the list of expectations, our protocols, and our contract and commit them to better memory. I mean, I’ve mostly memorized them, but I think that I could remember them better.

I also would like to do more with our position commands, but, really, one thing at a time. One of my big things is resistance when I feel he’s pushing and I’m not ready to give whatever it happens to be he is pushing for. I have been getting better at simply giving instead of trying to control what and when I’m giving. I did this a bit the first night that we kind of got back into this, but since then… I mean, I’ve been bratty and cheeky, but not resisting completely, to make the distinction between the two.

I do know that we’ve slipped a little in the last few days, not been quite as strict, but maybe we don’t need to… I think a lot of that, too, has to do with him working until 10pm. It’s getting a lot better. I’m really excited about the new aspect to us, the new development, and despite slight slipping it really hasn’t slipped that much, or not nearly as much as the last time we determined something like this. I really feel something different within me, a realization that has changed the way I’m interacting with both Master and Kat, a clicking of a sort making me realize that I have to do a lot of the work if I really want things to happen, but the work I have to do is work that is both overt and subtle…

My other update is about Kat. I pointed her to the posts I had written and we talked things over and kind of came to the conclusion of needing to try this, needing to see if we could add D/s to our relationship. I’m honestly not sure if it will work, but we’re both willing to give it a try, and we both know that even if it doesn’t work we’ll still retain our friendship.

We’ve done little bits of things, just kind of testing the waters, this is all online, mind you. I watched her playing with the other girl in channel that I mentioned two posts ago, and I was jealous, of course, but I also liked it. I mean, I work on my jealousy, I don’t just shove it away, I like to overthink it, expose what is at the root of it, and in this case it was kind of obvious, I wanted her to toy with me like that. She mentioned that toying with her is like practice for me, since she’s still nervous. I don’t think that’s really a motivating factor in it, but I think that’s an added bonus.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m pushing this on her… I know she says I’m not, and she’s said she wants it to, but… I still can’t help but wonder. But, then, I wondered the same thing with Master, and he’s been loving it, which is what helps me to realize that this is actually what he wants. Online it’s so much easier to lie about what you’re feeling, not that I really think Kat would do that, but… it’s possible, and I’m a paranoid person, heh. I think she’d tell me if she really didn’t want to do this.

The little bit that we did today, though, I really did enjoy it, and I was glad that I enjoyed it as much as I did. I can only hope that she enjoyed it as well. She agreed that it didn’t feel wrong when I said it, and she said “we have to let go of certain stigma. I’m trying.” and I’m not sure I know exactly what that means, but I didn’t ask at the time. She said many other things which I liked, which I was happy to hear, and which should show how she’s feeling about everything, I think, but I still can’t help but wonder. When I’m pushing interactions I tend to overthink the motivation of everyone else involved, I can’t help it.

She said “I want you as you are…my wild strong lotus” and also “but you’re mine. it’s good to be queen.” Which I couldn’t help but chuckle at, but also enjoy. Really, I’ve been “whipped” by her (not literally) for quite some time. I mean, not only has she simply been possessive of me for quite some time, and I’ve been her her “therapist” (as we joked) for quite some time and also her friend and little more (other than both of us desiring more but being afraid to act on it), but I’ve always been wrapped around her little finger, and it’s been pretty obvious.

Things are looking up relationship-wise on all fronts, really. Master and I have talked about Kat and I and he doesn’t seem surprised at this turn, though he mentioned the difficulty of LDR’s, not that I really had to be reminded, I remember ours while we were apart, but it’s something to keep in mind anyway. Though, we already have the emotional connection, it’s just the D/s and the sexual we have to build now, and that may or may not be difficult. The sexual one has been there as an undercurrent for a very long time, it’s just never been acted on. The D/s is in some ways the most difficult part.

I can’t help but wonder how this will turn out, and I’m excited to find out.

Is Vanilla Really an Option?

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 6, 2008

In a Relationship: Kat & glen, Identity: Submissive, Polyamory

Kat and I were talking the other night, as I mentioned in my last post, and, well… some interesting, crucial, and rather disappointing information was brought to my attention. I haven’t really talked about mine and Kat’s background and friendship, so I figure it’s about time. Kat and I have known each other online for about two years, maybe almost three by now, I’m not entirely sure, though I could probably find out, but the length isn’t exactly what matters.

When we first met, she thought she was submissive. I watched her go through a few relationships until she found glen. At first they were M/f, and it was the first relationship I saw her in that I knew just felt right, all the others, well, they were good, for the most part, but they didn’t seem to click the same easy way as she and glen did. They were wonderful together, they knew it and I knew it. A few months into their relationship, they decided to experiment, as Kat as a submissive wasn’t going as well as they’d hoped. She dominated him, and they ended up loving it, and switching roles. Now, they have been F/m for quite some time, and they are both happier. Kat, especially, is so much less volatile and irritable than when we first met. It’s like they center each other, and they are so good together.

What does this have to do with Kat and me? Well, not a lot directly, though Kat, a friend of hers, Master, and I are going to all go to England in about a month (May 10th). Master and I are going to meet Kat for the first time, and we all are going to England to meet glen for the first time. It is going to be amazing.

Kat and I have been attracted to each other for quite a while, and glen has always been comfortable with us together (they have been exploring poly as well in general, but that is another topic), and Master and I are poly and he knows how much I care for her as well. We have talked extensively about how there’s pretty much no way that we won’t at least kiss, and probably do more than that, when we meet and in England. I’m all about it.

We have never done anything past snuggling and kissing, however, not online that is, as that’s the only medium we have. Neither of us really do much online, but we have toyed with the idea of scening with one another (that is, basically, having cyber sex only in a better term). We have talked, as well, about D/s and our relationship. It hasn’t been that much of a thing until the other night.

One time when I was on molly I was online and told her I loved her and wanted her to dominate me the next day. Later, when she was online and on vicodin for an infection she had, she professed love and we did a small amount of fooling around, a little more than our usual. It seems that we need drugs in order for us to get anywhere sexually, heh. I think this is because we both have the worry that we will ruin our friendship if we go anything beyond what we already are, but we are growing distant from each other at the same time, both of us wanting more, but not able to bring ourselves to do so.

As for the D/s part, often when it comes up she will say something like “do you really think of me that way?” or “would you really want me to dominate you?” My answer is always “yes!” or some variation thereof. I’ve thought of her more and more that way since they switched. Honestly, I wasn’t very attracted to her when she was a sub like me, I’m not much of a switch, and I’m not much of a fan of simply vanilla, so I prefer my partners dominant and kinky.

She said something the other night, though, we were talking about us again, our relationship in general, and we were talking about me a lot as well. This was the night before Master and I started to work things out. I was talking with her about my issues with him and what was going on. I was thinking a lot about what would help me get the domination I crave, and I mentioned that maybe if I was more submissive acting generally I would get domination more, from both her and him. She replied in a usual way: “but would you really want to submit to me?”

I asked her why she thought I wouldn’t, and she went on: “because we’d maybe not be able to act that way toward eachother because we know eachother too well… I mean you, in a lot of ways, are way more “dominant” than me…I come to you for advice and to pull me out of my own brain… in a lot of ways I feel you are like the parent and I’m the child. I feel like I can’t dominate you because you take care of me and are more mature than me” (these are a few different lines kind of strung together). I was shocked.

I mean, on one hand it makes sense, and I think this is my problem in a lot of ways in general: I have this tight control freak way about me. Friends who I come out to as submissive usually say something like “I thought you would be a Domme.” I think this was the problem with me and Master for quite some time, as well. I simply don’t act like a submissive. I really don’t. I am strong willed, feisty, sarcastic, and I don’t back down or give in easily. I really don’t have a submissive personality, but I crave domination. This can make things quite difficult.

I’m rather disappointed, really. I can’t help but wonder if she saw me as submissive, if I started acting submissive toward her, if that would help or change her mind. She also said “I think I’d have to be vanilla with you really.” I’m still thinking and obsessing over this. We haven’t really been able to talk about it since then, either, we haven’t been online at the same time. I don’t know if I would want to be vanilla with her. I really do see her as a Domme now, and I know how amazing she is, and I want her to dominate me. I’ve wanted this for quite a while, really, but I’m just so horrible at asking.

I just wonder if she could ever see me as submissive, since she doesn’t now. The thing to do right now, I think, is to talk to her about it. I don’t know how I feel about us being vanilla, but if we can’t be D/s, then I don’t know. There’s a disconnect here, and we need to fix it, and maybe that is what has been driving us apart lately as well. She’s known that I want her to dominate me, though I don’t know how much she has believed it. I’ve known she’s had a reluctance to it. Perhaps it’s just not meant to happen this way. I’m sure I’ll talk more about this later.

Time is a Dressmaker Specializing in Alterations

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 5, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

Well, lets just say that yesterday (Friday) was worse than the day before, which I roundaboutly posted about. I won’t go into details here, but lets just say what little faith I had left in humanity (if at all) now has dissipated completely, and with little hope of coming back (at least for a while).

I didn’t, on Thursday, get what I was so desperately needing: domination. Instead, I got our usual routine. And, of course, since I didn’t get what I wanted (even though my only indication was a post–though he is supposed to read them) I was, of course, pissy. Because that’s what I do when I don’t get my way on things (very submissive of me, right? ;P ). I can’t help it, I want to be the instructional submissive like Deluze says that Severin in Venus in Furs is. I want to be leading the show even though I’m not. I want to be dominated when I want to be dominated, and not later, and definitely not not at all.

Of course, this throws a wrench in some of Master’s plans… but… well… sometimes I just need it. I do, however, need to learn how to better communicate this need. I also need to learn how to be submissive on his time, and not on my time, but… that’s hard as well. What I really want is a more stable and regular domination and submission routine. I mean, we call each other O/cp and 24/7, but we’ve been struggling. I mean, lets face it, life gets in the way of it sometimes, as well as various other things which can get in the way. This happens to all of us at one time or another, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Our problem, though, is that once it slips it’s really really really hard to gain it back.

The solution: I end up getting so fed up with the situation that I get irritable which leads to both of us pulling away, which leads to me getting insecure and upset, and ends up with me bawling and bitching about all the problems of our relationship, and that I’m not getting the domination which I so desperately crave. This sort of works, and it has slightly changed as time has gone on. I’ve been trying to get better at speaking up before I get quite to that point. I’ve been working on trying to express my desires (mostly in writing), but that doesn’t always help either. The big problem is that I end up getting to a point where I don’t want to put the effort in because I have done this many times before.

However, this time we may see more lasting effects. Friday night I was talking with Kat online, after finding out some devastating news. I wanted Master. I needed him to take me and cuddle me for a small bit and then proceed to beat and fuck me until I was in a different head space than I was thinking of the devastation which had just occurred. I’m sure he was feeling badly about it as well, but we weren’t even talking about it. We both shut down, as we are both wont to do. I lay in bed, stewing, chatting with Kat, and with the desire to go into a b.com chat room and just find someone random to dominate me. I realized how horrible that was, as my Master was not 10 feet away from me at the time.

I brought this up, and Kat and I got to talking about it. It’s been quite a while that Master and I have been working on things. At first I thought it was me, maybe this isn’t really what I want, maybe it’s a fantasy, but as I found myself seeking out domination in other areas when I was not receiving it, I realized that no, it’s not me.

One problem, though, is that I want to be dominated. I want to have no choice in the matter, either. I want to be completely overpowered by another’s will, and I want to love every second of it. He, however, doesn’t want to make it a battle all the time to get me to do things, and I don’t really want that either, but that seems to be what always happens. He wants me to submit to him, he wants me to do it automatically without him having to work for it. While a lot of me wants that too, I need to be shown that he actually can dominate me, that he can master me, and since he tends to give in a little too early to my demands, it hasn’t quite sunk in… yet.

“Mastery isn’t just telling someone what to do. It’s also creating the environment in which your submissive will do what you want even without being told. It is creating an environment in which they only have the one choice, and that is of doing what you want.” (from The Control Book by Peter Masters) This is what I want. This is what I need. An environment where I am mastered, where I have to do what I’m told or what is requested or expected of me, not just because I’m doing it, but because I have to, because the need to do so is within me.

I know the possibility of this has been here, it’s been lingering just out of reach for quite some time. We have moments, streaks of it, after one of the aforementioned blow ups, after I’ve exposed the issues of our relationship, and we have talked it over and decided to give it another go, to really try this time, to not let it go. It works wonderfully for a day or two, once up to a week, but then we get lazy again, and we start slacking off.

Well, after the blow up I had last night, within which I essentially said “I need this from you or I need to find it somewhere else” Master decided to put us in high protocol for the rest of the weekend. It has been wonderful. I had some issues Friday, but tonight has been better. I don’t think I’ve gotten pissy once tonight. I’ve been trying to follow protocol and to do as instructed when instructed, and all that good stuff that comes along with high protocol.

He’s mentioned that he really has enjoyed it thus far as well, and we just had a wonderful spanking then fucking session before I started to write this post. I feel happy and contented in a way I haven’t quite felt in a long time. I am nearly always happy and contented with him in general, but sometimes there is that nagging feeling that something isn’t right, that something is missing. But now, that’s not here anymore. I just hope it lasts. That may be a bleak statement, but this has happened before. However, I’m going to try my hardest to keep it going.

One of the most important things in this is that I feel like I need to prove something to him, to show him that we can work this way (and to prove to myself a little too). I need to show him that this is what I want and that he is what I want, so I am doing my damnedest to follow protocol and submit to him. But, not only that, he is enforcing things as well, so he is making it so that I am striving to submit to him (which makes his job easier) and he is correcting me when I make mistakes (which is making my job easier). Really it ends up being a give and take on both sides of things, it just doesn’t seem like it as much from the outside.

All power exchange is a matter of mutual give and take, mutual receptivity and instructing, regardless of the role which either partner may be inhabiting. Without both partners doing their part there is no way to move forward. And we are moving forward now, and I have a feeling this has been a turning point, more than the others, and this one will last.

When A Bad Day Rolls Around

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 3, 2008

In Identity: Submissive

On those days when just about everything feels like it’s going wrong, and I need to get some order and control back in my life, I clean. Today I cleaned the kitchen, even places I may have never cleaned before. I didn’t mop, however, because we’re all out of the things for our swiffer.

What does this have to do with bdsm, you may ask? Well. It is also on these days that my urge to be dominated is extra strong. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be dominated in general, but it’s these days that I crave it more than usual, that I desire it with every fiber of my being, and my body cries out for the pain and pleasure that is brought from submitting to the will of another, and hopefully being toyed with in the process.

It’s slightly ironic, that to get control back I would desire to be dominated, but it makes sense in another way. I am a control freak, something I’ve mentioned before and will (no doubt) mention many times again. I hate not being in control, though I have learned to cede control in certain situations, and, well, sometimes I’m just lazy and don’t want to think. However, control is very much a part of both my personal (duh) and professional (if I can call it that) life. I like to run groups, I like to make plans, I like to start projects, I like to encourage others, I like to be in control… except for when I don’t.

When I don’t want to be in control I really don’t want to be in control. I want to be dominated, wholly and truly, I want to be taken out of myself and put into the role of cunt/toy/servant/pet, that role which I love so well. Usually when I’m having a day like this, I want to be given pain, and I want it given well. I want to be tied down and made to scream and cry and beg to stop and to keep going at the same time. I want to not know what I want. I want to lose myself in the sensation which I am being given and just float away on it, not a care in the world.

I need this kind of release. The stress and the worry and the control I exert over my everyday life is more than most people would want, I think, more than I want and often more than I can handle. I feel like I have way too much on my plate, and I need to be taken to that place where only sensation, the delicious feel of hand or cane or yes, even the strap against my skin is all I can think about. I need to be taken to that place where I can only think of pleasing and being given pleasure. I need to be taken to that place where I can shut up my brain and not think about things for a while.

101 Ideas…

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 30, 2008

In Power Play

I found this via a livejournal friend, and although I don’t agree with all of them exactly, I think they are all interesting and useful as ideas and not necessarily to be replicated word for word. I wouldn’t mind having a lot of these implemented within my own relationship, however, and I agree with the sentiment at the beginning of the piece, that to feel truly owned having a lot of little things which remind you of that constantly are very important.

This is obviously meant for a M/f relationship, but I think it mostly can be translated, though maybe not perfectly. From 101 ideas to make Your slave feel Owned (i.e. loved) (technically there are 107 listed)

“One of the main factors, for me in feeling truly Owned is to be constantly reminded throughout the day of Master’s control. These reminders can be subtle or really obtrusive. The more often a slave is reminded of her submission, the deeper it becomes….and the more fulfilling. So here are some ideas You might want to try… And no matter what rules You decide to make Your own, please….be consistent. If You are unwilling to take the time to enforce the rules You make, then there may as well be no rules at all. There is nothing in the world that will make a slave feel less loved than to have a Master/Mistress who ignores her transgressions and does not exert Their Dominance.

1. Have her wear slave bells. The constant soft jingling of the bells is soothing and a certain reminder of her submission.

2. When she has broken a rule, talk to her as You punish….and make her speak in detail about why what she did was wrong.

3. Make her take her shoes off every day as soon as she enters Your house.

4. A beautiful, special collar will make any slave joyous. Take the time to select the right one, and have her wear it as often as possible.

5. Have her call You each day at a specified time, no excuses.

6. Give her anklets and tell her she must wear one of them every day, no excuses.

7. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her kneel before You and ask to accompany You upon the furniture.

8. Choose her hairstyle and go with her to get it cut to Your specifications.

9. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious young-uns about), have her display herself whenever You come into the room…..legs spread, shirt unbuttoned. No matter what position You take, she is to be sure Your view is unobstructed

10. When around the kids or vanilla friends/family, make sure she has an alternative title for You besides Master…..such as “my Love” etc.

11. Use her sexually in a rough, selfish way when You feel like it….interrupting whatever she was doing.

12. Chose a food that she dislikes and have her eat a small portion every day for a week.

13. Have her crawl to bed each night.

14. Bring her a stuffed animal each time You go out of town. ~grin~

15. Choose her clothing each day.

16. Have her get Your daily wardrobe ready for You the night before….laid out, ironed etc.

17. After punishment, have her kiss Your boots and thank You for loving her enough to correct her.

18. Have her bring a warm towel and wash and massage Your feet each day after work.

19. Get her tattooed (Your choice of art and location).

20. Get her pierced (or preferably if You are trained, do it Yourself).

21. Get her branded.

22. Respect, but push her limits.

23. Ask her each night what she did that day that You would not have approved of. *grin* This gets her in the habit of being completely honest, and also makes her conscious of the things she could do better each day.

24. Teach her exactly how You want her to kneel, and demand perfection.

25. Reward her by allowing her to please You sexually.

26. Supervise her workout routine.

27. Each night she is to kneel next to the bed asking permission to sleep with her Master, and each night she does, she is to kneel by the bed in the morning and thank her Master for the privilege.

28. Have her polish Your boots weekly, on her knees at Your feet.

29. Negotiate until you are both comfortable with the terms and then sign a contract.

30. Giver her a writing assignment: “The definition of Pain – 1000 words”

31. Have her keep a diary of her journey into submission.

32. Instruct her that she may never get herself something to eat or drink in Your presence without first asking You if You want something.

33. Some evenings, keep her on a leash and take her with You no matter what You do….even if You do not speak to her or include her in Your activities.

34. When appropriate, she is to speak when spoken to.

35. Reward her by giving her delicious pleasure.

36. On occasion, share her.

37. When it suits You, instruct her not to make eye contact with You without Your command.

38. Have her keep her body clean shaven at all times.

39. Conduct random inspections of her body to make sure she keeps herself to Your specifications.

40. Make her wear a butt-plug under her clothes whenever she goes out alone.

41. For transgressions: have her write Your name on the bottom of her foot and tell her to remember she is walking on You with each step. (This is harder to do that You might think….)

42. Master the art of the meaningful piercing stare…..

43. Give her reading assignments.

44. Test her on the reading assignments, to make sure she learned the appropriate lessons from each.

45. Instruct her to keep her toenails painted perfectly everyday, and check to see that they are before bed

46. Make it her responsibility to put the toys away after play and punishment, and to keep them clean and neat.

47. Reward her by letting her name her favorite scene, toys, etc.

48. Call her Your slut, Your pet, etc.

49. Have her make a list of the 10 things that make her the most self-conscious, uncomfortable or embarrassed.

50. Work with her, having her do the things on the list (if possible), so that she conquers those fears and hesitations.

51. Sometimes, pamper her…..wash her body and hair, having her remain perfectly still as You turn her and move her about.

52. Hand feed her like a small child on occasion.

53. Have her eat from a dog bowl on occasion.

54. For transgressions: make her wear a sign to the next public function naming her crime. (ouch)

55. Praise her dedication when she has pleased You well.

56. Instruct her that she is never to touch Your body without permission.

57. Have her write a meditation about her submission, devotion and trust in You….to be said aloud each night before falling asleep.

58. Some days allow her no clothing whatsoever (when practical).

59. For transgressions: deny her play. No pain for you, bad girl….hehehe.

60. In the same ilk, For transgressions: deny her orgasm…..give her sex, but she can’t cum.

61. For transgressions: Command that she is to be silent for a week. She may not speak, and will take whatever pain or pleasure You give as silently as possible.

62. Treat her like a pet in front of friends, making her present herself, turn herself, etc.

63. Giver her a writing assignment: “The definition of Obedience – 1000 words”

64. Have her wear a toe ring.

65. Tell her one morning that she must cum for You 15 times that day, and then write about the day.

66. Have her wear nipple clamps under her clothing out to dinner.

67. On Your birthday, let her receive Your spankings.

68. Spend time training her how to move gracefully to please You.

69. For transgressions: stand her in the corner like a 3 year old.

70. Always flog her after completion of a task, even if it was satisfactory. A well flogged slave is a happy slave.

71. Speak about her as if she were not present.

72. For transgressions: deny her any D/s at all for a week…..letting her do just as she pleases, not allowing her to serve You in any way, no punishment, no instruction, no play, banning titles of respect, etc. This will shame her and certainly make her strive to please You when it is over and she is in her place again.

73. Defend her honor to those who would disrespect Your prized possession.

74. Pet her often.

75. Make her be webMistress for Your huge site, DallasBDSM. hehehehe

76. Whenever possible (i.e. no young-uns about), have her sleep in a cage.

77. Buy her sexy or slutty clothes to Your liking.

78. Teach her things….expand her knowledge…..in a patient Fatherly way.

79. When You are away, call her and have her masturbate for You.

80. If You choose to play with others, make sure Your slave knows who is first in Your heart…..and that some things are just for her.

81. Remember her birthday.

82. Le
ad her with a loving fist in her hair.

83. Wake her each morning with an assigned task for the day…..and make sure it is done by day’s end.

84. Teach her patience.

85. Videotape Your sessions and watch them together.

86. On long trips, have her wear double dildo latex underwear.

87. Hand feed her chocolate.

88. Have her place her regular wear shoes in a line by the front door. They should be in a straight line with the laces tucked inside, or the buckles buckled. Inspect them periodically.

89. Keep a list of her transgressions in a little book….let her slip for a while…thinking You are not noticing…..then one day, bring out the book and have a day of atonement.

90. Tickle her just because You can.

91. Have her be perfectly still and quiet while You bring her extreme pleasure…..when she moves or makes a sound punish her then return to the pleasure.

92. Keep her locked in her collar when You are home. You place it on her…..having her kneel. Wear the key to the lock around Your neck.

93. When possible, have her cook and serve Your dinner wearing nothing but an apron and collar.

94. Buy her a Polaroid camera and give her assignments to take pictures of herself for You in certain outfits or positions, etc.

95. Remember to kiss and caress away her tears.

96. Don’t be afraid to bring her to tears, for they are Yours as well.

97. Take her and the dog to the park, both on leashes.

98. Caress her, whisper into her ear that You love her, nibble on her belly, lick her thighs and make love to her until she cries.

99. Have her fall asleep with Your cock in her mouth and tell her You expect it to be there when You awake.

100. Occasionally, fulfill her fantasy.

101. Master’s word is the last word.

Addendum

102. Make sure that she is safe at all times….when with You and when You are apart (to the best of Your ability). Keep her vehicle in good working order, make sure she has emergency money and a cell phone to call for help if needed.

103. Be consistent.

104. Take the time to talk to her…..learn her fears, her dreams and fantasies. Use Your knowledge.

105. When You go out of town, forbid her to shave her sex. Shave her Yourself when You return.

106. Specify exactly how she will address You in private and in public.

107. If You are willing to correct her each time she forgets until it is a habit, have her refer to herself as “this slave” or “this girl” etc.

Comments? Critiques? What do y’all think of these ideas?

Fucking, Finally

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 22, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, Smut

He started new hours at his job this week, so there was very little fucking, as he would come home at 10pm and we would watch a couple episodes of Dexter and then crash (I was getting up at 6:30 and crazy hours like that, so we were both very tired). I’ve been aching for some fucking all week. I got Friday off to be with him (his new job gives him a three-day weekend, lucky bastard), and although that was kind of sucked up by a side project we ended up going to dinner and then to the liquor store and home.

We watched more Dexter (second season) and had some delicious drinks. At one point we started kissing, which led to fondling and grinding, which lead to him fucking me, first on the couch, then with me kneeling on the couch, then with me leaning over the arm of the couch (far superior). It was good. I wanted him to pull my hair, though, and he never did. It’s been getting longer and longer and he keeps neglecting it. *pout*

After that we… you got it… watched more Dexter, until about 4 in the morning at which time we headed downstairs, at my reluctance. I decided the only reason why I would be going downstairs when I wanted to watch more Dexter is so that he could fuck me. I told him this, and he said he assumed that might happen. He knows me too well.

He slid his fingers in me and began finger fucking me softly, then harder, moving his fingers to my clit, which usually gets me off quickly. I hadn’t cum upstairs, but he came twice, once in me and then once on my face and in my mouth. He rubbed my clit until I came and then moved above me and slid inside. He pounded my cunt nice and deep that way for a while, while doing various delicious things like putting his hands around my neck and taking my wrists in his hands and pinning me against the bed. He came like that, inside of me while pinning me down.

We rested for a few moments before starting to buck and grind against each other again. If we do this soon enough after he’s cum he can usually cum again, which is what happened upstairs as well. We fucked a little more, and I turned over so he was fucking me from behind, like a whore, and so he said. I always love being fucked from behind. He came again, the fourth time that night, and had to lie down he said the room was spinning. I’m just that good. ;P

We drifted to sleep, and before we did I asked him if he would wake me up with an assfucking in the morning. He told me he could do that.

I woke up first, and after going to the bathroom I lay back down and started stroking him. Once I got him hard he slid into me while we were both on our sides, fucked me like that a bit, then we shifted so he was fucking me like a whore again (by which I mean doggy-style of course). While doing that he started lubing my backdoor with his spit, sliding his finger in it, getting it nice and ready for his cock. Once it was sufficiently wet he slid me to the edge of the bed so he could stand while fucking my ass and slid inside. It went in easily the second time, after a little more spit and fingering was applied, and he began fucking my ass nice and hard and fast. I was in anal heaven.

We groaned and moaned dirty nothings to each other, calling me names and wonderful things like that. I can always tell when he’s about to cum, he makes slightly different noises, his thrusts get a little more frantic, and I always beg him to cum in me when he gets close, and usually he does nearly right after. I love the feeling of him just thrusting deep within me and being able to feel his cock twitching and spurting inside of me (yes, I’m on birth control, the ring, 99.9% effective and we’ve done all the other necessary precautions).

I continued to rub my clit after he came inside me and ended up cumming not too long after he had, with his cock still buried in my ass, I’m such a little ass whore. I love it. We collapsed on the bed, my finger still on my trigger, and we kissed and whispered “I love you” as I continued to rub. I came twice more (asking permission every time I had, of course), before stopping.