Tag: communication

I’ve been reviewing sex toys for a fair amount of time now. Most of the toys I get aren’t as couples-centric as they sometimes need to be, and some of the ones that require a partner aren’t always used as much as others.

Since we moved out of our D/s dynamic and into whatever it is we do now (still figuring that out on some levels) Onyx has had more and more of a difficult time expressing his needs and wants. Being out of work and unable to find a job didn’t help, neither did my poor behavior as his “submissive.” That, along with the birth control mess-ups I talked about yesterday really impacted our sex life since we moved especially.

I took a little break from reviewing when I moved, mostly for sanity’s sake, but I returned to it with fervor once I got back in the swing of things. We’ve never really talked about sex toys, which is remarkable considering the amount of toys I’ve gotten over the last many months, and the other week we had a discussion about how they have affected our sex life.

In some ways, they’re enhanced it, but in others they’ve taken away. It always takes me longer to come from Onyx’s fingers than it does from a vibrator or my own fingers (though the vibrator usually wins) and we tend to have sex rather late at night when we’re both already tired so there’s limited time. Because we end up wanting it over with somewhat quickly I often finish myself off, usually with his fingers inside me because that’s what I love.

He had been feeling distant from my getting off, like he wasn’t necessary to the process, so he unconsciously started lessening his initiation of getting me off. Because he was getting me off less I was giving him head less, and so we were both denying the other something because of a sense of rejection. We both have big issues with rejection, so this isn’t something new but something we do work on and have been forever.

Part of this also had to do with the amount of toys I have been getting. It’s difficult for most people to view toys as a supplement to sex or a sex enhancer rather than a replacement for, and Onyx was having issues with this as is completely understandable. Problem is we weren’t talking about any of this.

Communication is key, and I know that, I preach that whenever possible, but it’s also extremely difficult which I also get. Neither of us is prone to communication, rather we tend to retreat into ourselves to try to fix problems and often don’t even realize when problems are happening due to our abundance of self-delusion when it comes to issues. It often takes us a few days to even figure out what’s wrong and then a few more days to start talking about it.

Our conversation started with me complaining that he never gets me off any more (though that’s changed since the conversation). We ended up talking about sex toys and the issues mentioned above, and came to the solution that I would show him how to use the toys on me better instead of me doing it. This may seem like a no-brainer, and he had used toys on me before, especially dildos but only sometimes vibrators.

This conversation happened only a few days after we had gotten the Liberator Ramp (click to read my review) and LELO Bo (click to read my review), two toys that are very couples-centric rather than solo-centric. They were part of the catalyst for the conversation, I believe, as I noticed his enjoyment of those two products and wished that he would enjoy other products as much.

This is not to say I don’t use other products on him like lube, dildos, harnesses and such, or we don’t use products together like crops and other BDSM toys, but it’s not the same. He’s never as excited about even the BDSM-centric toys I get in the mail, but he was pretty excited about the Ramp and Bo.

Point is, we talked. We communicated, after a long time of not doing so. Every time we talk about these things it brings us that much closer together, and I like that. Every time we have issues we always talk about them eventually and I think we’re talking about them more and more often rather then bottling them up and stuffing them back inside or ignoring them all together. This is very good.

Our sex since our talk has been better, as well. I feel more connected with him, more intimate, more engaged, all of which is wonderful. I’m sure we’ll continue to change and grow and become more open with each other, but we both have to undo decades of defense system self-training, and Onyx has ten years on me so he’s often a harder nut to crack and all that.

Interaction

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 3, 2009

In Introspection, Sex Blogging

From someecards.

I tend to live in my head more than anywhere else, which can make it difficult to meet new people. I obsess over making good impressions so I often don’t say much when meeting someone for the first time and end up coming off either as shy or disinterested (and I think the latter more than the former). I generally prefer to observe others before engaging in conversation with them, as well, which doesn’t help.

The point being, I’m kind of terrible at meeting new people, and I’m kind of terrible at communication in general, I think. Writing is the way I communicate best, and I believe in communication with friends and lovers. I believe that it’s important, but sometimes it’s so damn difficult for me to get anything out.

This post was originally going to be about flirting, or my inability to flirt, but instead it’s evolved into interaction and communication in general, though also about flirting.

I think both my lack of flirting and communication abilities both stem from the same place: I’m afraid of my words being taken the wrong way, and sometimes I’m afraid of my words being taken the right way and my advances or assertions being unwanted or incorrect.

Everyone has these fears to an extent, but some have them more than others. I always admire the people who can speak their mind and who seem to have little disregard for what others think of them. I’m not that person, although I often wish I was. I care too much about what people think of me, and it pains me when someone dislikes me for whatever reason.

I came out as queer at a young age. I was the founder and president of my high school’s GSA and very out. I watched straight or even bi female friends of mine flirt with other girls, snuggle with them, kiss them, all the while wishing I could experience that but holding myself at arms length in fear of what they would think of me. I desired closeness in a friendly way, without any sexual overtones, just snuggling and exploration, but I was afraid if I attempted to join in they would think I was hitting on them.

It made me guarded, careful of what I said, worried at every turn that someone would take something I said the wrong way. I collapsed into myself and didn’t share that connection with anyone around me. I didn’t know many queer girls, and the ones I did had boyfriends or just generally weren’t interested, so that wasn’t something I could explore with them either.

The point of all this is I don’t think I know how to interact with others in a good way, and more and more I choose not to interact and to crawl deeper and deeper into my own fears and frustrations. The problem really is that I don’t know how to get out of it, and further that I’m afraid to try to get out of it because that could mean ruin.

Often, too, if I get close to someone I sabotage it by overanalyzing and becoming anxious about the interactions. I cherish some of the friendships I’ve made online, but they all seem temporary, and I know that’s mostly my fault.

I love Onyx but we are not enough for each other, we both need other friends and lovers to be in our lives. We’ve gone out and met people here, but nowhere near as much as we should have by now. Every time we go somewhere it’s a struggle because I push against it, even though I know that once we go out I will enjoy myself. I can’t seem to help my automatic aversion to the outside world.

It’s ironic, maybe, that the things I want the most–simple interaction, closeness, friends–are maybe the most difficult things for me to allow myself to get.

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: communication

Toy Intimidation and How Couples Toys Changed Our Sex

Interaction