Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: bdsm & kink

The weather today is squirmy with a 75% chance of constant distraction

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On September 11, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Two nights ago and last night our roommates were around, we didn’t have as much strict M/s activity, though there was a little. I was subtly presenting things to him which I got for him, though without kneeling as our roommate was around, and I was trying to upkeep his drink, and do what he said immediately, without hesitancy, and all that other small stuff. It’s the small stuff that makes it right. He had me make sure dinner was ready when he got home last night, as well, and little things like that.

We talked, two nights ago after I wrote my last entry, about the naturalness of our positions now that we’ve broken through the walls. Both of us are feeling very natural in it. It’s wonderful. We talked about a few things we want to incorporate, such as specific verbal commands for general things and verbal commands for positions and things like that. I mentioned me not being able to touch myself without permission, and orgasm control, having to ask in order to be able to cum.

We had sex both nights, once we went down to bed and our roommates went up. I won’t go into details, but it was good, it was better in a way, and our M/s was incorporated into it and I felt very much His. He fucked my ass and it hurt, most of the times it won’t, and usually I love it, but every once in a while it does and it did last night. He usually stops when that happens, but he didn’t, he kept going, made me take it for him, reminded me I’m his, and I did, I complained, but I loved it. I’m a little sore today, now, and it’s a reminder and I love it.

Apparently he took my mention of orgasm control a little more than I wanted him to, he didn’t let me cum two nights ago or last night, which was extremely horrid as I get soooo needy after he does what he did. We talked about it last night and he said that might be the way it is for a while, and reminded me that I was the one who brought up orgasm control, and I said that THIS wasn’t my intention, heh. Oh well. He was all stern and I melted like butter and I love him a little more for doing this, even though I hate it at the same time. I said that he just wants me out of my mind horny, and he said that it’s a nice perk.

I was whimpering, wanting to cum, and he told me to stop whimpering. He threatened that the night before as well, and mentioned me sleeping at the foot of the bed, mentioned last night me sleeping on the floor if I kept it up. He knows what would get me, I think that might everyone, but I would hate to not sleep next to him. He would too, I know, so it would be taking something away from him as well as from me.

The hardest part of this is that knowing that he is controlling me makes me hot, I love it, it turns me on, but what he is controlling is my release of that buildup, so it ends up a repeating cycle, and kind of evil, but also wonderful. I have a love/hate relationship with it, to be sure.

So, yeah, glen, now we’re in the same boat, apparently, lol. That’s what Kat said when I mentioned it too.

Let’s see how long this lasts… hopefully not too long…

On the Right Path

By

On September 10, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Master and I began doing more M/s stuff last night. He did, rather, and it was rather sudden, I was not expecting it. He told me to go make him a drink, but he always does that, but I took too long for him, and he tugged me out of bed by my legs and pulled at my hair and told me that I needed to do it when he told me to and not put it off.

When I came back with it he told me to kneel and present it to him like a slave. It wasn’t a big thing, really, but it took a lot for me to do it, and I don’t know why. I think I just wasn’t used to it or expecting it, I was surprised and taken aback and not ready for the change. I mean, we had been talking about it, and he was reading around bestslavetraining.com and we had been talking about the slave training book I got as well, but I wasn’t expecting him to do it right at that moment. I was just shocked, but that was just the start.

After that we went upstairs, I was partially upset and just grouchy in general because I wasn’t anticipating what was going on. I made him another drink and he told me that I am to present everything I make for him to him like a slave. I kind of freaked. It was mostly just not anticipating, and it was partially just surprise, and going too fast, or faster than I was expecting. It was odd, and I didn’t think I would have such a reaction, and I don’t know why I did. I just got awkward and quiet and ended up crying a little. Part of it, I think, is that I was feeling like we had just started something new but somehow I was fucking up already, I wasn’t doing it right, I wasn’t pleasing him, I was just messing up. I was a wreck for a while there.

He helped me through it, though, somewhat at least, and I helped myself through it. He eventually snapped me out of it by telling me that I would do as instructed to show that I wanted to be his slave. He had asked me if I wanted to be a slave, and then if I had wanted to be his slave, and I answered yes to both. He told me to present it to him to show him that I wanted it, and so I did, with a bit of tears in my eyes I did. I don’t know why it hit me so hard, but it did.

After that, though, it was like it was the most natural thing in the world, to do what he told me, to kneel and present him with new drinks, with food, to bend to his will, and to do for him. He made me feel precious, cherished, and also like his slave. Truly. And I loved every second. I loved him even more last night than ever before, if that’s possible. He made me feel just what I’ve wanted to, and I knew at the same time he was opening up, in a sense, he was letting me in, he was letting me put him first, and he was accepting that role. It felt perfect.

We spent the night like that, and then came downstairs and had sex, the normal kind of sex we have, which generally involves some verbal yummyness and him Doming me, but this time it was slightly different. I was more open to him, in a way, I just kept looking at his face, in all the pleasure, and realizing more and more my love for him. I was enamored with him, infatuated in that moment, more than I have been possibly ever. I was amazed, in wonder, in shock still a little, and extremely happy.

Today, we’ve been keeping the same dynamic, but we haven’t really done much, but that was okay. The underlying is there, but we didn’t do much that required the set things like that to be incorporated. I’d like to do more kneeling for him, sitting at his feet, resting my head on his thigh sort of thing, but more will come as we change and grow.

I already know we’re on the right path.

Changes

By

On September 7, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

I’ve been having a really good conversation with glen and Kat today, and yesterday with Kat. There is a lot of things going on at the moment.

I placed an amazon order yesterday, should get it tomorrow. I bought The Better Built Bondage Book because I want to start making my own bondage gear, and perhaps even sell it, but that will come later. I also bought Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus A dual book with a slave training manual and a training workbook. This should be helpful to Master and me in our work on training, the same with Protocols: Handbook for the female slave, which is described in the comments as “I found this book interesting because often, particularly in newMaster/slave relations, the slave is unsure what to do to serve theMaster and the Master is unsure how he wants to be served. This bookseems designed to help in those situations.” Which I think will also be helpful to us.

My half of a conversation with glen today:

“Kat and I were talking about my issues with Master yesterday and she suggested she be my online Domme, and part of me wants that but part of me is scared of it, and I wonder if I even can be submissive anymore. Master and I… we go in stints, sort of, we aren’t constant, and we’re hardly M/s, more D/s than anything, and I’m working on that, but we both are having trouble with it, and I’m basically hung up on it. I think part of me wants to fix things with him before getting into anything with her. He’s a Dom, and I’m a slave, and we’re trying to work with that. A lot of it is, he was a Master with his ex-wife, I think, but she was broken, she had been abused, she wasn’t so much a slave as it was convenient for her to be. And so he became completely and totally dependant on him, financially, emotionally, the whole gambit. And he’s scared of that happening. Part of him knows it won’t with me. But it’s not a rational fear.

“There’s a level of dependancy that is healthy, though, and a level that is not, and he wants it at the same time as he pulls away from it, so we’re working on it, slowly. It’s difficult, too, because we have these desires and aims, but we’re both very busy people and we have two roommates, so we can’t really do much when they’re around, even in our own room because sound travels… hopefully they should be moving out soon, but, even so.

“We came to the revelation last weekend that what we want (what I want?) is to be able to switch in and out of our roles when needed, which is, I think, how 24/7 relationships should be, being able to go between one and the other so that we have some times when we act like “regular” couples. And the best thing to do with that is to go to the other extreme ’cause we do the acting like “regular” couples thing easily, lol.

“The first few months I was horrid, I was pushing the boundaries, trying to find out how much I could get away with. He wouldn’t stop me. Practically no matter what. It was frustrating and I just got more and more upset and uppity, and he didn’t know what to do or how to handle me. I would get to the point where all I could do is break down, and most of the time I wouldn’t be able to identify the problem right away. I’m very good at blocking out issues and letting them eat at me inside.

“The thing is, I am happy, being with Onyx… it’s the best thing I’ve experienced, I’m sure you can relate. It’s just… not enough, I guess? Not fulfilling enough. I need to feel submissive to him and I want to, but it never quite gets to the point I want it to be. It’ll get there, though, we’ve got time. =)”

24/7 M/s

By

On September 7, 2007

In Identity: Submissive, Power Play

“We would like to point out that living full-time in role is not the “gold standard” of BDSM. We see far too many players who feel that is they’re not “24/7,” they’re somehow wrong, or not “real” dominants. If this doesn’t sound like the way you want to live, if BDSM is a more comfortable fit in your life when you keep it in scene and drop roles the rest of the time, don’t let anybody tell you that you’re inferior. However, if full-time BDSM does feel like a good fit for you, we encourage you to try it”
…
Fluidity
“We’ve been friends with many people in full-time dominant/submissive relationships. Our observation is that when we spend time with such people as friends, we rarely see them behaving in ways much different than any other couple: the day-to-day demands of running a life remain the same, and must be addressed by someone or other. And almost nobody can be in full control of everything at every waking moment–or would like to be. While the dominants in novels (and sometimes chatrooms) express their dominance nonstop, in reality this approach doesn’t often work out very well.
“However, what we do see in successful D/S couples is a very strong ability to read each other’s signals and a very fluid approach to moving in and out of their dominant and submissive mindsets–so the couple who at one moment is discussing someone’s problems at work may at the next moment be in full dominant/submissive mode, with the dominance in complete control and the submissive completely pliable to hir will.
“What kinds of signals do these people give each other to make such extraordinary transitions possible? Some might be consciously chosen, like using a particular name (“boy” or “girl,” for example) or a particular behavior (a submissive kneeling, a dominant placing hir hand on the back of the submissive’s neck). Others are less conscious,more intuitive–a tone of voice, a shift in body language. Longtime D/S couples grow extremely skilled in reading such signals and responding to each other’s shifting needs and desires as the moment dictates.”
From The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

One whole year

By

On August 28, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Today is my one year anniversary of moving to SLC. I’m listening to a couple voice posts I made on livejournal last year, including the revelation that I would be moving here. I’m thinking over the last year, as well, and all the things that has happened, and how short it seems.

Master and I are definitely at a different point than where we started when we started being 24/7, but we still aren’t nearly where I would like us to be, I think he agrees… I think. Sometimes I wonder if he would really want all the things I do, he doesn’t really like to be strict, he likes to give me leeway and let me get away with things… and while part of me likes and takes advantage of that, the other part of me…

Part of it, I think, is we need to set aside time, which I’ve been saying for a while. A lot of it is I need to feel better about myself, lose some weight, actually do some of the things I keep saying I will. I have been feeling disappointed in myself lately. Disappointed and ugly. It’s not a great thing to feel. And when I feel like this, I don’t want to give myself to someone else, I don’t feel worthy of giving myself to someone else. It just doesn’t quite work.

I question how much he wants to be my Master (not that he wants to be with me, mind you). I think he would be more comfortable as a Dom or Top, but I haven’t given him that luxury, and I think it’s hurting us a little. I question how much I want to be his slave, also (though, again, not that I want to be with him). I question how much I can give, how much I can trust, and how much I can rely on him.

We were at different places before I moved here, and I realize that more now, and we’ve had conversations about it. I was fully committed to him, and he wasn’t. Now he is to me, but I’m having trouble getting over that initial betrayal, not consciously, but my unconscious is driving my actions lately.

Whenever I feel bad, I shut down, close off, and he doesn’t know what to do when I do that, and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if I know how to not wall off when I do that. I’m trying, but… it’s difficult.

I go in waves, wanting to be his slave, wanting to be away from him, wanting nothing to do with him. Mostly it’s my stuff, honestly. Mostly I’m not opening up, I’m shutting down and running away for various reasons.

He recognizes mistakes, he knows I have trouble trusting him, and I don’t make it easy on him. I don’t make it easy at all, but he’s never let me go, and he’s never given me a reason to leave, only I have done that. Some days I’m so worried about losing him that I pull away and push him away at the same time, I try to distance myself because I’m sure I’m not good enough, or pretty enough, or too fat, but he pulls me back in. He’s wonderful like that.

I have no regrets about moving here, though I wish we lived alone, and I wish we could get out of this rut, and I think the former perpetuates the latter in some senses. I think I would do more if there weren’t other people in the house. I love my roommates, but I don’t want to live with them, I want our own space, and they both are “working” on moving out… we’ll see how soon that happens.

I’m very happy with him, and I’m happy to be with him, though not as happy to be in SLC (I’m much looking forward to going to San Fran), but it’s better than being in Ashland without him.

One year later, and still going strong.

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