Category: Identity: Queer Intellisexual Page 3 of 4

The First Night: Getting Down To Business

On June 4, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection, Polyamory, Smut

Found via The Alexa Collection.

“It’s business time
You know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for business
That’s why they’re called business socks ooh”
-“Business Time” – Flight of the Conchords

“There’s nothin’ wrong
With me lovin’ you
Baby, no, no
And givin’ yourself to me can never be wrong
If the love is true”
-Let’s Get It On
(which has a special place in our relationship, as Jack Black’s version of it is all of our ringtones for each other)

This is the fourth installment from my NYC/DC trip continued from The Beginning: New York City, The (Un)conference: Getting to D.C. & Sex 2.0, and The Meeting: Kissing At Red Lights.

There are many aspects of our first time that are a blur, but I remember playing with her breasts quite a bit, licking and sucking on her nipples and flicking them with my fingers.

I remember her bra and shirt being taken off, then going for her cunt beneath her jeans, at which point she protested that she couldn’t get completely naked before I had even taken off anything. I chuckled and told her that wasn’t going to happen, she tried to get her hand under my skirt, I pulled away and continued to molest her until I acquiesced and took off my shirt and bra then slipped out of my skirt as she took her pants off.

Most else after that is a big happy endorphin-rushed blur. I remember when I first slid my hand across her cunt lips, felt her wetness, found her clit beneath my fingers and sunk my fingers into her. I can still see the way she writhed, how her body arched and shook as she came from a stimulation so simple as a thumb on her clit and two fingers inside her.

What amazed me the most was how casual it all felt, how right, how perfect. Nothing felt forced or unnatural, fucking her came as easy to me as breathing, and I wanted to do it as often as I breathed. There was no time with her that I did not want to push her down and enter her, feel her coming beneath me as I kissed her or played with her nipples.

Once I had fucked her and made her come a few times, she excitedly rolled me over and got out her Pure Wand so she could introduce me to it. All I can say is: holy fuck. I knew I needed a Pure Wand but I didn’t know how much I NEEDED a Pure Wand. It was both hot and amusing because the six steel rings through my inner labia kept jingling against the steel of the Pure Wand and she either started singing Jingle Bells or just alluded to it. See what I mean about comfortable?

I was having a hard time coming, which often happens to me. This was extremely frustrating for us both. I have since postulated that the more aroused I am the more difficult it is for me to come, which seems counter-intuitive but somehow seems to also be true. I take not being able to come as simply a sign that I was way too aroused for my own body to handle.

My inability to come combined with my intense desire to fuck her and make her come at any given time ended up meaning that she didn’t fuck me as much as I fucked her. I didn’t mind as much as she did, though, because I was mostly frustrated at my body and much preferred to spend my time exploring hers. This wasn’t really fair to her but I have promised she will have the chance to make it up to me this coming weekend.

Once we fucked sufficiently and were coming down we called Onyx immediately to see how he was doing and check in. He mentioned he wasn’t sure if he would be able to handle hearing us on the phone with each other, but there was much talking, many professions of love, and many Facebook games played (we are all addicted to Mafia Wars and My Zoo and couldn’t resist playing them during breaks in fucking).

We both had our Big Foot storage bags with us and we dumped them out on the bed, effectively covering half the bed with sex toys! While we didn’t use all of them we certainly got a lot of mileage out of most of them.

As Marla said in her post, “while time seemed to stop, my stomach did not,” once we could tear ourselves away from both fucking and talking with Onyx long enough to figure out what we wanted to eat it was already past 11 and most places were closed for delivery. Room service was out of the question due to expense so we ended up ordering a pizza, the only thing we could find so late for delivery, and after burning up many calories the best way possible and having not eaten since noon for me and earlier for her it was possibly the most delicious pizza I have had in quite some time.

We talked with Onyx again after pizza and got super tired, deciding that sleep was in order. We snuggled, eskimo kissed (which I do a lot and love to do), caressed, and eventually I started rubbing her cunt again until she came. I just couldn’t take my hands off of her!

At some point the blindfold came out and she instructed me to lay back because we were going to play a game: Guess That Dildo! It was quite fun, actually, though I still couldn’t come. She fucked me with dildo after dildo while she rubbed my clit, I rubbed my clit, I used Gigi on my clit, and while I was feeling it and definitely aroused it just didn’t happen. Needless to say we were both disappointed and frustrated.

The game did lead to me exclaiming “my cunt reads dildos like braille!” Which I was highly amused at saying, as I guessed every toy correctly except for Ella simply because I forgot that she had brought Ella with her. I think I fucked her again at this point, because if I wasn’t able to come at least one of us should, dammit! After that we turned off the lights, snuggled up, and joked and eskimo kissed our way to sleep.

Just as she said in her post, because I can’t think of a better way to say it: “Waking up next to her the next morning was the closest thing to perfection I have ever felt. Sunday is another post, for another day.”

The Meeting: Kissing At Red Lights

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On June 4, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection, Polyamory

Found via The Alexa Collection, photographer unknown.

“I remember clearly how you looked
The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace and style

And now you’re all I wanna see”
-Chances Are

Now that I’ve written about New York City and Sex 2.0 I feel I can get into what you really want to hear about: meeting Marla!

She already wrote about it a few weeks ago and said she wouldn’t write the second installment of her version of it until I got mine out, which gave me the push I needed. It’s not that I didn’t or don’t want to write about the amazing time we had together it’s just kind of painful to rehash all those memories because I miss her so much. However, she is going to be here on Friday so I really need to write up our time together before I see her again! Or so I think.

Like I said near the end of the last post…

I had been reading and responding to her tweets and texts of her getting closer and closer and knew she would arrive around 5:40 or so. Once the last session was over I said my goodbyes and zoomed up to my room to pack everything up. As I was packing she called me informing me of how close she was (her TomTom said less than a mile at that point, I think!) and suggested I pack things up, though I was already a step ahead of her. Once I was finished packing I went downstairs and waited for what felt like ages for her to show up.

Butterflies were overwhelming. I had asked her earlier what color her car was so every time a gold car passed by I would look to see if she was in it. I was so excited and so nervous I wasn’t even sure what to do when she got there! She drove up and parked in the little hotel pick-up/drop-off area in front of where I was standing, jumped out of the car and came rushing over to me.

I was grinning like an idiot at this point, I’m sure, and she threw her arms around me and tacklehugged me so fiercely I stumbled a little and thought I might actually fall over. This woke me up a bit out of my stupor and then we were kissing, and somehow we got to the car and put my stuff in after kissing more and me sliding my hand into her hair and tugging. She made the most wonderful sounds as I pulled her hair, which would continue through the weekend. I knew that we both were extremely nervous but that this was going to be amazing.

We started on our journey through D.C. to Virginia and our hotel. I had to tweet about meeting her and she did so too while we were making our way to the hotel. We quickly called Onyx so he could take part in our meeting and we all remarked on how strange it was for the situation to be reversed! We all were so used to Onyx and me on the phone with Marla and not Marla and me on the phone with Onyx.

After much conversation with Onyx, passing the Washington Monument on our way to Alexandria, VA, and a few failed attempts to kiss at red lights (damn seatbelt kept getting in my way) we made it to the hotel, did the check-in stuff, parked, and went up to the room. We had swimming, as well as food, and getting to know each other biblically *ahem* on the agenda but it took us a while to get to the first two.

I could tell when we got into the room that she was as nervous as I was, we set our stuff down and got comfortable, I plugged my computer in so we could look up restaurants in the area and whatever else two net-addicted people need to do. She was on her stomach and I sat beside her and began rubbing her shoulders, we were talking about… something, I don’t remember, probably her drive and if/when she had eaten. I leaned down and bit her shoulder, and things progressed from there…

Finding the Next Step

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 24, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection

I’m afraid she’s losing interest, and I’m afraid it’s all my fault.

This may be my paranoid insecurities talking, ’cause, hey, I have lots of those, but Onyx and I were talking the other night about Marla, specifically Marla and me and our lack of long-distance physical sexual anything which is rather important to where we are at if we actually want to progress to anything further. We talk about sex and sex toys and the probability of sex while she’s here, but I’m horrible at flirting and I’m almost frightened to take things to another level because I’m afraid of it being… well, wrong.

My post the other day about when I said that the only thing “wrong” with her is that she’s a Top/bottom switch was supposed to be more telling about her (often scary) near perfection than it was about my actual feelings about switching and set roles or any of the other things I analyzed. I was basically trying to say that she seems to fit almost too well, and the only real flaw I have yet to find is that she does not live up exactly to the ideal I’ve been searching for, but, um, I’m not expecting anyone to because that’s a desire or fantasy rather than a reality.

I keep everyone at a distance. It’s difficult for me to let anyone in, but it’s much easier for me to write about things, so that’s what I’m doing. If something’s going too well my automatic reaction is to push away from it, examine it, try to figure out where it might go wrong so that I can buffer myself against the eventual perceived fall out. Of course, my perception often creates reality because then I’ve pulled back or detached which is a catalyst for what I was afraid of.

Everything’s so new with her, and everything feels so right I’m just waiting for the (in my head) inevitable proverbial other shoe, while also hoping that shoe never actually drops.

None of my pulling away has been conscious, really, either. I’ve forgotten to take my phone off of silent and missed some of her calls. Sunday I was in a really odd mood and wasn’t very communicative with her at all most of that day, which I feel bad about, but I had retreated into my shell, and I wasn’t even that communicative with Onyx who was only a few feet from me at most times.

When Onyx and I talked about this he kept reminding me that it’s my move, that I need to do something to show her that I’m interested, since she’s the lunger in this situation and I’m the lungee, which is a situation I don’t think I’ve really been in before. I’ve always been the lunger, and I’ve more often than not been squashed.

I know what I’d want in her situation, but as the lungee I don’t know how to initiate another level of contact, and I’m also not sure if I’m ready to move to that level for fear of failure. Either failure of me not doing the right thing or failure of our compatibility, because I want this blossoming relationship to be as wonderful as I imagine it will. However, I’ll never know how wonderful it actually is until we start interacting on more of a relationship-level than a friendship-level, if that makes sense. The problem is I don’t know how to initiate that.

I think the thing with us I’m most afraid of is not performing well sexually, not meeting her expectations of me and therefore ruin this entire budding relationship, or just generally messing up and being incompatible in that area. It seems silly, maybe, for someone who is actually relatively in tune with their sexuality, but before Onyx I really didn’t have that much experience aside from one-night stands and autoerotic interactions.

Logically, I should simply initiate a conversation into some sort of sexual area (and not a sexual area that is, essentially, “shop talk” to us sex toy reviewers), or at very least initiate some light flirting to let her know that I’m actually interested, as opposed to what I’ve been doing which has been small amounts of very reserved flirting and not answering her phone calls (though unintentionally!).

However, that’s always easier said than done, especially to someone who has a rather large fear of rejection (I know we all do, but mine is, well, large as it often is the reason behind me choosing not to go to a social event, but that’s a whole other thing… let’s say I don’t socialize much because of it). I try to put fear aside, and I think about saying these things while I’m on the phone with her, but the words don’t come out.

Onyx says that she’s waiting on me to show her I’m interested in more, because she’s given me all the signs that she is, but my reaction to her pulling back (which is probably actually a reaction to me pulling back) is to automatically assume that now that she knows me better she doesn’t actually like me as much, which may not make that much sense unless you’re in my paranoid, insecure, and overanalytical head. Sometimes I think my degree in Psychology is a hindrance rather than a help, though in this case it’s telling me that I’m the one fucking up here.

If only I could convince myself that taking that next step is the right thing to do. Of course, what would really help is if I could actually bring any of this up to her directly. I never claimed to be great at communicating, just that it’s important and I want to be great at it, but I often fail miserably. Then again, my blog basically is my way of communicating, so maybe this post will help.

Marla: an Introduction

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 12, 2009

In a Love: Marla, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Polyamory

Number 220 from The Adipositivity Project

As many of you may know, someone has featured in mine and Onyx’s life more prominently in the last few weeks than she has before. Remarkably, we met originally on IRC quite a while ago, and I’ve always thought she was interesting and someone I’d like to get to know.

Unbeknownst to either of us, she started following me on twitter because of finding this blog and not because of who she knew on IRC. Eventually we discovered who each other were on both mediums, and we’ve been in light contact ever since.

About a month and a half ago we started interacting on a more regular basis. Before that we talked occasionally but mostly in passing. It started with me guiding her toward some toy review programs, and then kinda blossomed from there.

We’ve been talking more over the course of the last few weeks. At some point she confessed to having a “little queer crush on” me. At some point we exchanged phone numbers and started texting back and forth in addition to DMing (on twitter). At some point we started talking about her coming here in June. And at some point (about eight days ago) we started talking on the phone every night.

She and Onyx have been getting to know each other too, not to downplay their involvement, though it hasn’t been quite as substantial. We are all definitely still in the “getting to know you while also crushing” phase.

We’re both taking it slow and rushing it at the same time, in some ways, which is strange, but it feels really right (sometimes scarily right). Onyx and I have been talking about bringing others in to our relationship or having other relationships for a while now, and now this seems like something that might actually occur.

There is plenty more to say on this subject, and there will be plenty more posts regarding the three of us, both what has happened in the last few weeks and what is still to come.

My Queer Identity, Or: Problems of Visibility

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 21, 2008

In Identity: Queer Intellisexual

Being part of the queer community has been something extremely important to me since I was in high school, though I came out in middle school. I have always been queer in one way or another. I was the fat kid growing up, always the largest in my class, always the one made fun of. I was the outcast. I embraced my queerness, my freakhood, by difference. I wanted to be different, it made me special. I enjoyed it, and I still do.

It was easier to be queer when I didn’t have a partner, or when I had a female partner. Now that I’m with a male, and specifically living with a male and being submissive to a male it is very difficult for me, and difficult to maintain my queerness when in many ways I look very heterosexual. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing, but for me it kind of is. I feel washed over, I feel like my queerness isn’t as easily recognized as I’d like it to be.

Sometimes even those who know my orientation do not credit it because of my current partner. I am forgotten about as queer, and it’s really something that hurts me when it comes from those close to me. I may be with a man, but that doesn’t mean I’m still not queer.

What comes into my queer identity? What makes it up? Kink and poly definitely inform my queerness, because they inform my sexuality and no aspect of my sexuality can be analyzed without the addition of all the other aspects. Really, no aspect of my sexuality can be analyzed without all other aspects of my identity taken into account, including gender and size, which is part of the reason why all those identities are subtitles to this blog, because it’s nearly impossible to understand me without understanding all those identities first.

It’s difficult to be femme gendered and partnered with a biologically male and masculine person and to still be labeled as queer. I can embrace the label all I want, and I can try to make that label known to the rest of the world, but that doesn’t always mean I will come off that way.

I can view the plus side of it, as it means I can walk in the heterosexual world and use terms like “partner” which is the primary way I refer to Master as to new people I meet, and which confuses people or makes people assume that my partner is female. This allows me to get into a dialogue about the term partner, about bi/pan/queer sexualities if I so choose.

Now, this is all well and good, and I do try to use it to my advantage as much as possible. I try to sneak in comments like “Just because I’m with a man doesn’t mean I’m straight” or “doesn’t mean I’m not queer.” There are ways that I can subtly influence those around me, but I often wonder if it is enough. If I constantly have to assert my identity, is it really worth it? But, then again, I have the same issue with my gender identity. Perhaps my identity fetish is just too advanced for easy identification.

I’ve read about similar experiences with other bi/pan/omni-sexuals and queers, and people with FtM lovers, and I know that I am not alone in this, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I know that this problem will not change any time soon, but maybe I can figure out a better way to deal with it.

My Femme Cock

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 11, 2008

In Gender Galaxy, Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Sex Toy Love

Many years ago I bought a terra firma harness (with extender strap) and Leo (in black). I have used it many times (though not as many as I would like), on a few different partners, both male and female.

However, most of those partners and occurrences were few and far between. Recently, while Master and I were in England, I used it on him. We had talked about it for quite some time, but we never really got around to me fucking him in the ass. It was very fun, and may have been one of the catalysts to me discovering my Top/Domina side. Not that one has to be a Top if one has a cock, oh no. I know that is not true, and that is not what I’m trying to imply. However, for me, there was a bit of power that I was wielding due to being the penetrator and I not only got back in touch with my cock, but I also got back in touch with that side of me that enjoys wielding that power.

Honestly, when I bought my Leo he was a butch cock. I was much more butch in high school before figuring out my femme side and embracing it. I really did and do love butch genders, and I really enjoyed playing with a butch gender on my own body, something that I still play with on occasion, I do own a black pinstripe suit and a few ties, I do enjoy going to the drag king side of my personality, as opposed to the drag queen which is my primary gender expression.

So, while I still love my butch cock, he is not quite me anymore. I have also used him quite enough on myself, which seems a little strange for my cock to have been used inside me. Perhaps this is a small point, and I think it is in some ways, but it is what I feel. It’s not that I don’t think that I could use my cock within myself, I just have used it maybe too many times. I love Leo for me, and for packing, and for fucking, but it’s not my cock anymore, it’s a dildo.

My cock needs to be femme. And my new femme cock needs to be scarlet. My scarlet femme cock is going to be gorgeous, and will make my lovers salivate at the thought of it, and it will be my femme cock. My femme cock will have a femme expression as well. She will be fabulous and perfect. And I’m not limiting myself to just one femme cock, but I need a primary one.

I found a fabulous red glitter cock at Cahoots, a sex toy/novelty store not too far from my house. However, I’m not sure how I feel about having the balls attached. It could be interesting, but, may not be quite right. But I LOVE the red glitter. It kind of makes me think of The Wizard of Oz, which makes me want it even more. It is definitely a femme cock. The problem with it, too is it is jel-lee (which I would have to use a condom with, which isn’t horrible, but could be annoying) and I would much prefer a silicone cock.

The other I’ve been eyeing is General. The common problem of both of them is that they’re both rather thick (not to mention General is expensive!). That’s not always bad, and apparently I’m just drawn to having a big cock, which makes sense as it would fit the rest of me. However, I’m sure I would want to use it for anal play quite often, so that could be an issue. I would almost have to have a female partner before I could justify a cock which did not go well with anal play. Both dildos would be lovely for cock sucking, but I’m not sure how much Master is down with sucking my cock. My primary femme cock would need to be not as thick as the other two, but I would want to get the glitter one for style as well as function.

I’m enamored with Tiger as well as the P-Spot and Luxury. Perhaps getting P-Spot or Luxury and the Wizard of Oz (WoO) cock might be a perfect combination. The P-Spot is (as you could guess) made for the prostate, but I would guess that it would be nice for getting the g-spot during anal sex as well. The WoO cock may be best for receiving blow jobs and a nice vaginal cock (with condom). This may mean I need to invest in more condoms.

Any suggestions for other fabulous femme cocks for me to look at? I would like to refrain from the jelly if possible, but I have yet to find a cock as fabulous as the WoO cock.

In Case You're Hiding Under a Rock Somewhere

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On June 17, 2008

In Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Sexuality

You all are, no doubt, tired of hearing about same-sex marriage passing in the California supreme court by now (though who would be tired of hearing about something as wonderful of this, you say? Good question!). However, I will make this short and sweet and just want to send out happiness of all types to all those who have and will participate in the California legalization of gay marriage

Also, the country newly near and dear to my heart (remember: Master’s from there and we just went there in May for a few weeks), Norway legalized same-sex marriages. Previously, Norway had civil partnerships, but did not have the right to church weddings or to be considered as adoptive parents. There are wonderful things going on for marriage equality everywhere!

Now, personally, I think these examples of marriage equality are wonderful, and I believe that marriage is a wonderful declaration of love between two people. I always tear up at weddings, I can’t deny that. I think that any commitment ceremony is beautiful, and I think that it is wonderful that people of the same sex can now marry each other 100% legally with all the same rights and privileges as other sex marriages.

That said, I do have some problems with marriage. It is by and large a religious institution of a religion I am not associated with. I’m not against the idea of a legal contract between two (or more) consenting adults for child and/or tax purposes and things like that. However, calling it marriage (a religious term) and making it basically mandatory for other sex couples who live together for a certain amount of time (as it varies between states) is just ridiculous.

Personally, I don’t intend to get married, possibly ever, though I may be forced into one of those common law marriages at some point, or I would get married to Master if/when we move to Europe (thereby making me a citizen of Norway and making it much easier for me to move over there). Or, if we were to have children I would probably marry him, though I’m not sure that will ever happen. I just don’t believe in the institution of marriage, nor do I think it is necessary for me, except in the above mentioned circumstances.

I used to say I wouldn’t have an other sex marriage before same sex marriages were legal, and, well, that’s not completely true yet, but it’s definitely getting closer. I still wouldn’t do so until it’s legal all over the states, except for the moving to Europe scenario. My other problem with marriage is that it is confined to two people. Although I do not want marriage for myself, I would like consensual adult polyamorous marriage to be a reality, and I think it will someday, just not for quite some time.

However, legalization of same sex marriage in California is also reason number one billion six hundred fifty eight thousand and one to move to San Francisco. Just counting down until 2009, now.

Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 27, 2008

In Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Introspection, Sex Blogging

Do you enjoy being spanked?
I definitely do, especially long ones that start with a warming up with the hand, then move to the flogger, then to the strap, then to the cane, or some combination of such. I love being spanked by hand, and by the flogger, the strap… not so much, but when it’s in sequence and I’ve been adequately worked up, then that’s okay, but that’s the instrument which Master usually uses as punishment, too, since he knows that I hate it. Funnily enough, I love the cane. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate the thing sometimes, and it is also used as punishment sometimes, but I love the feeling of it versus the strap, even though it’s painful and not pleasant all the time, but often it is.
I’ve always had a thing for spanking, as well, I love the just plain dominance of it, the acquiescing, the submitting that has to occur on my part. Being taken and punished, even, although not fun, is a wonderful feeling of being owned and loved. But also just being taken and played with in the sense of knowing that he could do what he wanted to me with the aim of pain and pleasure.

Have you ever given a spanking?
I’ve spanked many times, but I wouldn’t say I’ve given a spanking. That is, I’ve done a lot of playful butt slapping with friends, and some hard playful butt slapping, but I’ve never been in the position of taking someone and spanking them in the manner I’ve described above.

Do you have tattoos?
I do. I currently have eight, and have many more planned.
Currently I have (in chronological order, from oldest to newest):
a stylized heart on my left breast, a small cancer (zodiac) symbol on my right breast with purple around it, on my right thigh bettie page by olivia “don’t tread on me” or what I call “licking the whip” she’s all in red with fishnets and heeled boots with a red crop in her hand lifted to her mouth and licking it, what I call “lovers entwined” between my breasts, a small aries (zodiac) symbol behind my left ear with red around it, elvgrin’s pinup witch on my right calf, a heart-shaped padlock on my right wrist which looks like it goes into my skin, and a key with heart-shaped handle on my left wrist (which Master has an identical tattoo of on his wrist).
Ones I have planned:
a virgo (zodiac) symbol surrounded by “silver” aka gray on my right hip-ish area; an om symbol (with purple accents) inside a red star of babalon on my left wrist (I have an icon of this in ); another rendering of bettie which is her in the middle with a leopard on one side and a snake on the other, it’s awesome, and I love it and it’s perfect! I was thinking of having it on my chest, but I’m not sure anymore, maybe my upper back; babalon riding the beast on my back or possibly thigh depending on the image I decide on; a submissive pinup (probably bound) on my left thigh mirroring my rather Domme-ish Bettie; a varga girl (not sure which) on my left calf mirroring my elvgren; backseams such as would be seen on old-type pantyhose which look like small corset lacing; a bdsm emblem somewhere perhaps made of tigerlilys (instead of roses, which is usually seen); possibly handcuffs (not sure where) with a rose peeking through them; possibly a gothic faerie; possibly many other things…

What is something you fear?
I have a few phobias, specifically bugs, I hate bugs. Currently we have bed bugs infesting our house and I have learned not to think about them as a way to survive, I had two panic attacks when we first realized we had them. It was horrible.
Another fear is pretty common, that of rejection. I think everyone has it to some extent, and some more than others. In me it’s pretty big, I don’t venture out of my social circle much, and I don’t really try to get to know new people but will generally but not specifically, if that makes sense. I also have deep wounds in that area, just in general, though I’m sure many many others do as well, but this one I’m working on as best I can.

Has your Sir changed/expanded any of your limits.. if so what? and how?
Hmm, that’s a good question. Not really, I’ve been pretty aware of what my limits are for quite some time, and we haven’t done much play with my limits, also I don’t really have many outside of general relationship ones and some of the usuals. There are many things I would do that I don’t particularly like, but I don’t consider them to be limits, and Master and I generally like a lot of the same things and dislike a lot of the same things, so it works out rather well for us. I’d like to do more play with things that could become limits, such as experimenting with different play which I never have, such as electricity, extreme humiliation and degradation (we’ve done a little, but not much), and such, but thus far we haven’t really changed or expanded any of my limits (though, I have become a little more lax on my tickling hard limit, but just for accidental tickling).

Describe your most intense, enjoyable sexual experience:
Hmm… I’ve had a few, though most intense and most enjoyable do vary in some ways, and I tend to get mush for brains during the really good ones. I’ll list a few (in chronological order):
With my previous partner we were having phone sex at one point while I was still living at home, though I was alone in the house at the time. I was playing with a toy and we were whispering and groaning naughty nothings to each other. He counted every time I came, and we got to about 48 in that one hour and a half or so. Earlier that day we had phone sex as well and I had come about 11 times, and then twice in between with him. All in all it was around 61 times, and I say around because this wasn’t necessarily exact, but I came somewhere around there. I was very sore the next day.
On Master’s birthday, the first one we were together for, he gave me his birthday spankings and then proceeded to fuck me senseless, including making me cum until I begged him to stop. We weren’t counting that time, but it was definitely in the double-digits and probably no less than 25 or 30.
One spring break (I think it was spring break) my friend Katie and I went up to Portland and Master and I were still in a LDR at that point. He said he could fly to Portland for the night, however, and so he did. We got a hotel room at the Days Inn I believe, which had a king sized bed and a jacuzzi. We did all manner of fucking, including in the jacuzzi which had mirrors around it. He fucked me from behind and we could watch both of us while we were fucking due to the mirrors, it was wonderful. He fucked my ass that night, as well, and then woke me up the next morning with an ass-fucking. I was so sore, but it was so wonderful.
Getting the Hitachi just the other day was pretty damn intense, and the most intense I’ve had recently. It’s a different kind of orgasm than I’m used to, I haven’t used a toy in quite some time, and it was kind of akin to that first instance mentioned above, within which I came 48 times in one sitting. There were some definite orgasm crests but for the most part I was just awash in constant near-orgasm pleasure, which was almost more intense than just a short burst. I’ll write more on this later.

Whats the biggest thing you’ve ever had in your ass?
I’m not honestly sure, actually. I don’t really go for size or stretching, I enjoy to be fucked rather than plugged and I’ve never been fisted anally. Possibly my silicone dildo, as it’s longer but about the same thickness as Master’s cock. My ex (mentioned above) had a damn thick cock near the base (it was kind of triangle-y, very interesting looking) but I’m not sure how much of that actually went in, I don’t think he actually fucked my ass, though we tried, but… it was a weird situation. I’ve had lots of odd small things up my ass, but like I said, I’m more about the sensation than stretching.

Heterosexual Guilt

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On December 31, 2007

In Identity: Queer Intellisexual, Sexuality

I suffer from heterosexual guilt. I am currently with a man (as most/all of you know), and I feel guilty for the privilege that affords me. I desire women more, have always desired women more, but I happen to have fallen in love with a man. Deeply, passionately in love. He’s heteroflexible, basically, but not interested in the queer community, though he loves my activist side he is not an activist himself.

I feel like I’m cheating on my lesbian desires and I’m cheating and gaining privilege from being with him. I almost forget what it’s like to be with a woman. We’re poly, so I have that chance afforded to me, and happily I would take it were I to meet someone who that situation would be acceptable for, and I have little doubt that Kat and I will do things, as that situation is acceptable to her, but I want more.

In an odd way, I feel like I should be marginalized, because I’m queer and I feel I should be, because I generally prefer women.

Back to writing my paper on femme as a trans identity. It rocks, and I am going to post it once I’m done.

Bisexuality

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 1, 2007

In Identity: Queer Intellisexual

The question of bisexuality comes back to the question of sexuality in general, and if queer sexualities are made or innate or a third option. In the study of male arousal the conclusion was that, by genital arousal alone, there is no such thing as bisexuality. This also brings up the question of what constitutes a sexual orientation. Are bisexuals people who are only physically aroused by one body type but who are mentally aroused or desirous or emotionally bonded to other body types, or who are indiscriminatory as to the type of body their lover has. If we can learn to be attracted to different body types for whatever reason, doesn’t that mean that everyone could be bisexual? Is it just mental blocks which keep people from being bisexual?

The issues around the term and existence of bisexuality as outlined in (Con)tested Identities are ones which I have muddled around in my brain for quite some time. I am currently with a male partner, though, over the last ten years or so (ever since I had a conscious thought about sexual orientation) I have identified as anywhere from lesbian to bisexual. At the same time, I wouldn’t ascribe to him strictly a masculine gender. A further question: how does gender play into sexual orientation? Is it all about bodies? What about a bisexual who only likes the masculine gender, regardless of body? Would ze be bisexual but monogendered? Do we really need to dig that far into it anyway?

How does bisexual sexual orientation change dependent on the relationship the person is in at the time? I happen to have a female (sort of) lover as well, does that mean that I am a “real” bisexual while others may not be because they practice monogamy? I noticed how this isn’t exactly addressed, though the ideas of promiscuity and fidelity are. Does it make a difference that my partner is also bisexual? Does it matter?

I too have felt distanced from the queer community when I mention I have a male partner, though I don’t openly admit to my polyamory. I use the term partner freely but have caught myself saying “boyfriend” at work instead and realize my aims at using the term, the ability I have to use heteronormative terms to quell the question that my using partner arises. Is this wrong of me? I am invoking heterosexual privilege because I can. I am acting like the bisexual threat to queerness perhaps.

From (Con)tested Identities: “dissatisfaction with existing labels results in the development and exploration of the utility of alternative labels, for example… “pansexual,” “polyamorous” and “polysexual.” A number of other participants also discuss variously using alternate terms like “hetero-flexible,” “gender freak” and “gender non-specific.” This made me think of a couple things, to be explored. The last town I lived in, alternate terms such as pansexual or multisexual were well known in the queer community, however, when I moved here I’ve been asked what I mean when I say pansexual or multisexual or (my personal favorite and invention) intellisexual (which I generally explain before I even have the chance to be asked—attracted to minds not bodies), I was also told “I’ve only heard one other person use that term.” This may just be because that was Southern Oregon (Ashland) and this is Utah, and I think that plays a large part in it, but even in the queer community it is unknown, and this makes me wonder.

Where and how do these ideas travel? Are they simply word of mouth, are they by academic literature such as we are reading? Are they through taking queer oriented classes and questioning? How does the queer community thrive? How are do discursive identities spread?

Also the quote: “And, the irony is that in a second I would bring my girlfriend to, you know, straight events and it’s like, you know, this is, this is my girlfriend, deal with it. Like I’m so ready to do that. But so not ready to like bring a man to a gay function and say this is my boyfriend, deal with it. (PI6)” From what I’ve revealed I would assume it’s obvious where this hits home for me. For the first time in my life, really, I am in a solid relationship with a male which is the longest of my life, and I am also feeling uncomfortable in queer situations. For the first year after I moved here I was rather avoidant of getting into queer situations (bad term), and still rather am. I was the president of the student union at my previous university and the founder of the GSA at my high school, and yet now I’m worried to attend queer events?

Is this simply something in me now? I think part of it is. I feel ashamed that I’m with a male, yet claim intellisexuality or multisexuality or queerness in general. My lesbian butch dyke sister calls herself queer, can I claim the same identity, or is that blasphemous? I really do feel that I am in the middle, unsure of what I can and cannot claim, though knowing that I don’t want to claim heterosexuality, though I jokingly will say that I’m “half heterosexual.”