Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Category: Introspection Page 23 of 25

Ballet Shoes and Rainbow Knee Socks (HNT)

I decided to combine two of my favorite things for this week’s HNT. Knee socks have been going around the HNT world lately, because not only are they hot but they’re also a staple of fall weather and fashion (in my opinion), and knee sock fetishes seem to abound among us sex bloggers.

Originally I was going to do a “officially fall hnt” which consisted of me outside of my apartment with fallen leaves around me next to the tree that shed them wearing the knee socks and knee-length skirt that I haven’t been able to wear in months (for it has been to small for me but fits now!), however when I went out to take it first I didn’t get the pictures that I wanted and then when I went back out there was a bee outside. For those of you who don’t know, I have a huge insect phobia, which includes bees especially.

I kept checking back and apparently the bee didn’t want to leave from right at the bottom of my steps, so since that idea didn’t work I thought of what else to do. I was going to just do pictures of my favorite knee socks with my dark red satin sheets as the background, but then I noticed my ballet heel shoes on the floor by my bed and decided to add them as well! I do have a slight shoe fetish, mostly for me wearing them, and especially for me wearing them.

I bought these shoes at a second-hand clothing shop in Portland in spring of 2006. Ballet heel shoes are notoriously expensive, and I found these for $29 (instead of the usual ~$125) and since they were in my size and I had been lusting after ballet heel shoes/boots forever there was no way I could pass them up! I haven’t worn them too often, I definitely can’t walk in them (while some people can, I maintain that they’re for fucking, crawling, and sitting), but I still love them!

I hope you enjoyed, and here are a few more, they’re kind of similar, but I love them so I still wanted to share. You can see my Bettie Page tattoo pretty well in the last one, though it looks much better in person.

 


Click each image for the larger versions.

14 Facts about Scarlet

This little meme has been going around the blogosphere for the last week or so, and although I usually pass on memes in this blog, there’s no way I can pass up an opportunity to talk about myself (do I ever? That’s what this blog is for, isn’t it?), plus I am susceptible to peer pressure. Anyway. I was actually tagged twice, once by Kyle of Butchtastic and the second time by The Butterfly Temptress (I think that’s all who tagged me… if you did and I missed it let me know?), so I’ll give you 14 instead of 7, just ’cause I can.

The Rules:
-Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
-Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog – some random, some weird.
-Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
-Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

  1. I currently have 31 piercings (eighteen in my ears, three in my nose, one in my tongue, two in my nipples, one VCH, and six inner labia), have retired four (two in my nipples–I had four at one time and LOVED them and miss them, a snug ear piercing, and a upper lobe ear piercing), and have plans for a few more.
  2. I have eight tattoos (a stylized heart on my left cleavage, a zodiac cancer symbol on the outer side of my right breast, a zodiac aries symbol behind my left ear, a heart-shaped padlock on my right wrist, a key with heart-shaped handle on my left wrist, a rendering of Bettie Page by Olivia on my right thigh, and Gil Elvgren’s pinup witch on my right calf) and plans for many many more.
  3. I always wear skirts or dresses, except when I go to the gym or am doing yoga. Part of this is because of my labia piercings, but also because I just don’t like pants very much.
  4. Similar to above, I never wear underwear unless I absolutely have to, and whenever I do wear underwear it’s always sexy-type underwear with lace or satin or ruffles and usually black, though sometimes red.
  5. I have only ever been on one roller coaster in my life, when I was in 5th grade or so(?), a blue one at Knotts Berry Farm that was basically just a loop that you went through both backwards and forwards. I used to hate roller coasters, but I think my opinion of them has changed and I would be down with going on them now.
  6. When I came out to my mother as bisexual she said “I thought you were a lesbian.”
  7. I have always been a cat person. The most amount of cats I’ve had at one time is nine, which is right now because our mama cat had kittens on the 24th of August, they will soon be leaving, though. The second highest number was seven (due to her last litter in April). Soon we will go down to just having two, maybe three if we keep a gray one from this litter.
  8. I used to dislike dogs for the most part and I absolutely did not want to have one, but lately I have been obsessed with the idea of having a Shiba Inu because they are amazingly adorable.
  9. I absolutely hate tomatoes and most tomato-based products including marinara sauce. When I get pizzas I prefer to get alfredo or pesto sauce or no sauce at all.
  10. I have not eaten red meat since I was 11. I have been a vegetarian since I was 15. I have never had pork, except for a bite of bacon at camp when I was very young, which I spit out because I thought it was gross. I did not become vegetarian for political reasons, but because I do not like meat. I do, however, love quorn chicken and insist it tastes like chicken, but not like murder.
  11. I have never broken any bone in my body, the closest I’ve come is I have sprained my ankle multiple times. I fell off the 15 feet high deck when I was younger and only had a minor concussion.
  12. Aside from annuals at Planned Parenthood I haven’t gone to a doctor since I was 5. My mother is a big fan of homeopathic remedies, and incidentally so am I.
  13. I have been trying to go to the gym every day since I got back from my vacation, I have been averaging about five times a week. I have been doing a half hour of cardio, a half hour of weights, and then an hour of cardio every day. I have gotten past the weight I was gaining and losing and am now just losing.
  14. I can balance things on my head, such as books, baskets, boxes, etc. and I can walk with them on, including up stairs, and sit with them without dropping them. Once I get back into belly dancing I want to work on balancing a sword on my head.

I’m tagging (people who I think haven’t been tagged yet):
Nadia West
Amber
Essin’ Em
And anyone else who hasn’t been tagged that wants to be!

Home Sweet Heartache (HNT)

     
Click each image for the larger version.

So there’s not really too much naked about this picture, except my face, really, and that can be some kind of naked. These images are ones that were taken at a lookout point on Mount Roberts, after taking the tram up, taken by my mother. Mostly it’s actually Douglas in the background, as opposed to Juneau, the bridge you can see in one of them is the Juneau-Douglas bridge. I’m not sure why I like the one with me looking down, but I do, so I’m sharing two with you. Normally I would make one “hidden” but today I say: fuck that.

I feel like I’ve had a lot of changes happening lately, with my gender, my sexuality, the way I relate to my body in general, and so on. This isn’t bad per se, but it has put a strain on both my brain and my relationship, and is something we’re working through.

While I was up in Juneau and on the vacation in general I thought a lot about my identities (not as if that is a rare occurrence), and though I’ve come far, I still feel like I have a far way to go.

What does all this have to do with my HNT? Maybe because this is just one of the ways I look, just one of the ways I present myself, and I’m not sure if it’s accurate anymore.

Bare (HNT)

Looking back at my few Half-Nekkid Thursday pics, I realized that most of them didn’t show much (if any) skin. Especially the ones lately. And, since I have been absent from posting my HNT’s for a few weeks, I decided I wanted to come back with a bit of a bang.

While, I know, showing cleavage or even breasts in general is a little cliche for HNT, I did it anyway, mostly because I wanted to show off the new nail polish I got while up in Juneau, it matches my hair and my bedspread rather delightfully and I have dubbed it my ‘femme red’ nail polish. And, what better way to show off nail polish than to do so while cupping some beautiful (if I do say so myself) breasts? Plus, it was just the Boobiethon, and in the spirit of that I bare to you my breasts.

I also painted my toes to match, which may play a feature in next week’s HNT… though perhaps not, we shall just have to wait and see!

Family, Friends, and Identity

My trip is long over, I got back to Salt Lake on the 1st of October, though I started writing this before I got back, it’s taken me a while to get to finish it.

I had dinner with Coy Pink one of the nights I was in Seattle, who was absolutely delightful and gorgeous and I felt like we connected. My friends in Juneau are talking about moving to Seattle, and that combined with the possibility of getting to know Coy Pink better, as well as the general draw to the pacific northwest which I have all makes me want to move there. It’s rather probable that Onyx and I will end up in Seattle after we go to San Francisco, but that won’t be for a few years.

The week while in Juneau was nice, and gave me quite a bit of perspective, on a lot of things. The general life insights were pretty basic ones, really, but the identity-based insights were slightly more interesting perhaps… and one of these days I’ll get back to smut writing. A lot of the identity insights were because of the wedding/family reunion I attended the first weekend I was gone, but then there were more through spending time with old friends while in Juneau.

The first weekend of the trip consisted of going to a wedding, an activity that I do not do too often. Nearly all of the relatives of that side of the family were attending, so it was also considered a family reunion, just centering around the wedding. I think being around that much family makes one focus in on whatever it is they think the other people see, specifically I thought a lot about who I used to be, who I am now, and how that is the same/different.

I also felt like I had to squelch all my multiple queer and non-obvious identities and just fill in the family/relative identity. While everyone was interested in getting a little snapshot-idea of my life, it was mostly to figure me out and file me away, not because they actually wanted anything in-depth. I can understand that, and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing exactly, but it did make me feel a little invisible. Partially my own obvious identities are the culprit of my invisibility. I have a male partner and present myself as femme most of the time (though I’m sure most of my family didn’t get femme vs. feminine), they didn’t see the queer genderfucker inside of me because I didn’t highlight it.

It’s also difficult for me to get out of the role I was in for the first eighteen years of my life, that of the baby, the daughter, the sister, or even to escape the role that my extended family knows me in: the baby, the cousin/niece/etc., the one who will always be twelve in their minds (or some other number, but I actually had that one said to me). I’m so much more than that now, and it’s difficult to get rid of that. I have grown quieter, though, less social, and that hindered me throughout the weekend. I found myself “family-d out” quite a few times, and wishing I had more time alone rather than being with my dad at nearly every moment. I stole privacy whenever possible, but I was still a little overwhelmed.

While there are many in my family who are larger, I was one of the largest at most events (or, at least, that’s how it felt to me). I’ve been focused on my weight for a while, I’m the largest and heaviest I’ve ever been right now, and I want to change that, mostly for health reasons. I was reminded multiple times on this trip that I am at risk for diabetes. I doubt I will ever be “skinny” or even not plus-sized, and I actually like that, my build doesn’t lend itself to a size 4 or even a size 8, and I’m okay with that, in fact, I like that.

Once I got up to Juneau I was able to focus a little more on myself, though not a lot. I feel like I didn’t have much time to myself up there as well, which wasn’t actually that bad. I spent a lot of time with friends, which gave me a little perspective on how I’d changed and how much they knew and yet didn’t know me, which is to be expected as I’ve not been around too much in the last four years, and I’ve changed quite a bit. They have changed as well, of course, but we still fit together, which was very nice.

One of my friends mentioned that I’m one of the last people our age who still dyes her hair crazy colors, and that made me question my motives for doing so. It came down to the same reason I’ve always had for dying my hair or dressing the way I do: it’s not for other people, or even personal expression exactly, it’s just me being me. I’m not making some statement I’m just doing what I want. Granted, there is a statement made, but I can’t control how people take it, really, but I can control what they see.

Since coming back home I’ve been a mixture of all sorts of things, including feeling rather unsexual, which is highly unusual for me. I’ve been depressed and unsure of just about everything, as all the things I was depending on have fallen out from under me (read: money sources). I’ll turn it around, as I always do, but I’ve been feeling stuck for quite some time. I’m hoping to change that, though.

Baby Dyke (HNT)

My card reader is still broken… I really must get another one of those! Hopefully I’ll get one tomorrow while I’m in Seattle. Since I’m leaving for Seattle, I thought I’d post this HNT of me in Seattle. This is also a long time ago, 2002, I think? All young and fresh, hence “baby dyke.” This is kind of a perfect example of my femme fagette boi blend, short hair, no make-up, a little butched up but with a corset on. I was a gender genious six years ago and didn’t know it! I’ve gotten away from my butch-ness in recent years and it’s something that is slowly coming back to me. I’ve been reconnecting with my gender map, or the road to my current orbits in the gender galaxy, and so it’s also fitting that this be the image today.

I have many posts in the works, and many toys and books to review for you all, and I have some posts automatically set to post over this weekend. I’ll be in the Seattle area until the 22nd, and then up to my home town in Alaska to see the other side of my family and my friends that are still up there. I’m hoping to have internet access most of the days, but we shall see. There’s also lots going on, so I don’t know how much time I’ll have. I’ll be back on the 1st of October, but I’m hoping posts won’t be too sporadic (does that word make anyone else think of Clueless… just me? Okay.)

So, fear not. I will have, hopefully, a new picture of me not an old one in a week, and I will still be posting, though just from a different time zone!

The Butch in Me (HNT)


Click the image for a second image. Click here for the larger version.

So, the card reader for my camera is not able to be read on any of the computers in the house, meaning I need to get a new one but I have not done so yet. In lieu of a new HNT I am pulling from my stock of old photos. It took me a while to decide to actually post this, if I was brave enough to face the possible reactions or lack of reactions. It’s interesting that some aspects of myself are more vulnerable than others, and usually those I haven’t processed fully.

The second image (click the image to see) is one I added mostly for my own amusement. Looking back I’m not sure what I was going for, and I find it a laughable attempt at looking “cool” or “badass” or something like that. I was feeling rather hot at the time, I will admit.

These images I’m pulling from 2006, the pictures I took while getting ready for the Gender Bender Ball at Southern Oregon University, an event which I began during my term as President of the LGBTASU (now Gender/Sexuality Union) and which is still going on today. The shirt and tie are the same as in my Drag Quing HNT. The shirt is the one I wore to my High School’s Junior prom, accompanied by black bondage pants, the red tie I’ve had forever, as well as my terra firma harness and faithful Leo.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my boi/Syr side, and it’s something I’m going to work on developing further. Look for a post regarding that in the next few days. And, please, be gentle.

Sex Toys and Contests Abound! (HNT)


Click here for the larger version.

It’s that time again, that HNT time where I get to dazzle you with my gorgeousness and you get to ooh and aah at me. I know, I know.

This week’s HNT is brought to you by the wonderful package of new toys from VibeReview which just arrived today! Featured in the photograph is the Hardcore Harness (though you can’t see it, it’s under my dress), and the Celestial Perfection cock, which I love even more than I thought I would!

In addition to the image I’m also reminding you that you can get 10% off your next order with VibeReview by clicking here, which is really well worth it. If you’re not sure what kind of toy to get, you can always look through my reviews!

ALSO, the absolutely wonderful retailer For Your Nymphomation (which has a new blog: For Your Nymphomation Info-mation) is also offering 10% off if you use the coupon code Summer2008 by September 30th. And who wouldn’t want some kick-ass sex toy cases? Personally, I’m lusting after the Rolling Toy Trunk (size queen that I am–or is that toy queen? Or organization queen, maybe? Maybe just queen…). I’ll get it one day… I hope.

Speaking of toys, there are two great contests going on at Best Sex Bloggers for the contributors which you should go look at and vote upon. One contest is for the bloggers, a 500-word flash fantasy which had to feature the For Your Nymphomation XL Sex Toy Case. There are some steamy fantasys over there, so go read and vote!

The photographers had a challenge as well, to create half an image (since a picture is worth 1000 words, to match the bloggers task it was cut in half, so they were producing 500 words with half an image). There are some great photographs there, and I encourage you to go look and vote on that one too!

AND, if that wasn’t enough, there’s a Reader’s Twitterific Flash Fantasy Contest going on as well where you could win a Rock Chick! I don’t even have one of those! Check out the challenge and enter.

Kissyfaced Love HNT


Click here for the larger version.

So, I’m cheating a little. This pic was taken a while ago, January of 2007 in fact, so a damn long ago considering what I am posting it for. Today marks two years that I’ve lived here in Salt Lake City. Exactly two years since I made the horrible decision to move to SLC but the wonderful decision to be with the wonderful partner, lover, friend, and Dominus I have here.

I wrote not too long ago about the first of our three anniversaries, the day we met face-to-face, and this is the second. The third comes in November, and we’ll get to that one when it comes.

I never planned on moving to Salt Lake City. I can’t say it was ever even remotely near my to-do list before meeting Stian, and it wasn’t on there until my birthday 2007. We had been planning on moving to Portland (or, I had been anyway). I needed to go to a different school in order to get the degrees I was wanting, and he wanted to get out of SLC, so it was a win-win situation. I applied and got into PSU and even got WUE there and everything. I was looking for apartments and working out all the moving details when I came to visit him here for my birthday.

Honestly, I had kind of a horrid time that visit. It wasn’t very long, but he had just taken a new job in the middle of our (my) planning on moving to Portland, and I felt like we didn’t have much alone time because of his roommate at the time. I was hurt and upset and needing to talk things over but we didn’t really have the time until it all came tumbling out late that night. I was upset, I cried, and we talked about our options. He suggested I could move to SLC, we checked out the U of U and they had the degrees I desired. I wasn’t really that excited about the idea in general, but I wanted to be with him.

I started warming up to the idea more when I went back to Ashland. The more I thought about it the more it worked, though going to the U was a problem. I decided first that I would wait until December, that I would take another quarter at SOU and then move to SLC after, giving me time to figure out all the school issues and more time at SOU instead of leaving so suddenly. That was the plan for a while, anyway, but as time drew on I was just so impatient to be with Stian (it had already been a year of being apart, after all) that I looked into getting here as soon as possible.

It was a whirlwind of only about four weeks from the time I decided I would move here to the time I arrived. I worked the night before, Sunday, until 2am and then caught a plane at 6am (6:18 if memory serves, yes, I did post this exactly at that time) and headed here. I had that Monday to get used to everything before having to start classes on Tuesday (though I had already missed the first three days of class). It happened very quickly, and although parts of me still wish I would have done things a little differently, the rest of me knows that it was the best thing to do with the options I had at the time.

I love Stian, my Dominus as I have been referring to him lately. While there are times when he drives me up the wall (as is to be expected in any relationship) those times are far less frequent than the rest of the time, when he is absolutely perfect. After three years of being together and now two years of living together with hardly any time apart I still love being with him, and I would do it all again in a second.

The (Leather Daddy and the Femme) Bibliophile HNT


Click here for the larger version.

In true FFToy fashion, because I have been completely devouring this book and it’s the only thing I can really think about and because it is not only crazy hot but in some ways a perfect articulation of some of my own desires, I decided for my HNT this week it should include the book that has been on my mind since I started reading it. The Leather Daddy and the Femme is not a perfect articulation of all of desires, but it is damn close. I highly recommend anyone who hasn’t read it to read it. Once I have finished it (which shouldn’t be too long) I will write a review of it. Should be fantastic.

If you look, you can see one of my tattoos peeking out above the book (no, it’s not two spoons, promise) I call it “lovers entwined.” But you do get to see my pretty polka-dot bra I got from Lane Bryant, as well as a bit of my collar, both public and home (the heart necklace is my public collar). My hair looks less red than it is, but that’s mostly ’cause of the light.

I have nothing terribly interesting to say tonight. Happy HNT, hope you enjoyed the picture, and go pick up The Leather Daddy and the Femme. Oh, and keep an eye out for the book review, coming soon.

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