Category: Love & Relationships Page 15 of 17

More and More

On March 20, 2008

I’ve been feeling really off lately, and through talking with Kat I’ve realized some of why. I also just started bleeding today, so that probably has something to do with it. She asked me if I was questioning my submission again, and I haven’t been. I’ve gotten pretty firm in that, and I’ve been playing around a bit online with people because I’m craving the submission and I’m not getting it here.

Instead of questioning my submission I’ve kind of moved on to questioning our connection. Not our relationship connection, but our BDSM one. I’m not sure if I’m just making too much out of this, maybe. But whenever I bring stuff like this up we always talk about it, and we confess things, but then we get to a point of “we’ll try harder” and “it’ll be better once we live alone.” I mean, sometimes we implement things, like him giving me the list of protocols or the list of household duties, or me making up the position commands, but how much do we actually do of all that, very very little. We’ve been alone all this week, and we haven’t even had sex. I’m wanting him to make the move, I’m sick of being the only one who initiates. But, we’ve been tired and this has been his first week with his 12 hour shifts, so I know that’s part of it…

We’ll see what happens tonight and tomorrow, and maybe things will change, and this past week will just have been because of both of us being tired and him working a lot, and we’ll get to a place where we are comfortable, but I somehow doubt it. This is definitely not all his fault, of course. I mean, there are many times when I overreact to him sometimes, and I get pouty and strange, but sometimes I just want him to fucking dominate me, just overpower me with his will, instead of me putting his will first I want him to make me put his will first. I try on my own, but… it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I need him to show me the way.

This is true for him too, though, and I know it. I want us to get to the point where we reach our potential. I think we could be awesome, and it could work perfectly. But perhaps what we want is too different. But, also, I’m not sure if he knows what he wants. I’m not sure if I know what I want all the time, either. I mean… I think he wants me to just be submissive to him, but I want him to dominate me sometimes, if that makes sense, make it mandatory, instead of something I just do.

The thing is, too, he won’t chastise me when I do things wrong. Or, when he does, he gets all cold and distant, and I hate that. He says he’s not cold and distant, that he’s just being expectant or something depending on what it is that’s going on, but there’s this look… like he doesn’t know how to dominate without shutting part of himself off. Maybe I’m just interpreting it wrong, I don’t know, but that’s how I feel.

I’m worried that I’m trying to make a Master out of a Top. Something I’ve been worried about for a long while, and maybe that’s what it comes down to. This is not his idea of what he wants, and I’m trying to force it on him. I say that, but he tells me that I’m not forcing it, that it’s what he wants too, but I don’t see it. I’m sure he doesn’t see it from me that much either, though. I’m not trying to make this all about him, but sometimes that’s all I can find to talk about, not that I don’t have fault in this as well, just that, well, it’s easier to talk about my issues with him than my issues. My trouble is that I’ll want something, but not want to say it right out, and then he’ll do it days later and I’ll be so ticked off that he hasn’t done it that I won’t respond right.

Maybe this is all just too fucked up. Kat says that if he really wanted to, he could learn how to be a Master. And, I do think that he wants to, he just… doesn’t want to put the effort in? Or, doesn’t have time to put the effort in? I don’t really want to, either, so I don’t fault him for that too much, except I have been putting effort in, I have been trying to encourage change that doesn’t seem to stick. That’s part of the problem, too, part of me just wants to give up.

He’s so oblivious sometimes I just want to smack him upside the head. Kat also said that I should go overboard with the subbyness in order to get him to feel more Domly. I think this would work, and I think it would work well, and he’s said that would help too, and… I don’t know, I feel like whenever I’ve tried he’s just brushed it off as if it wasn’t a big thing, but I want recognition when I do good things, just as when I do bad ones, and I don’t get either unless he’s looking for it. I feel like even if I were to do that, it wouldn’t matter, so I haven’t really tried. So, maybe that’s what I have to do. It’s difficult for me to submit without provocation. It’s hard for me to submit without being Dominated, but perhaps I just need to push past that and my pushing past my block will also help him push past his block.

But… if this doesn’t work, I think I would be devastated.

Needy Cuntpet

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 19, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

I still feel really guilty about what I did last Saturday night. I’m trying to make it up to him, but I don’t know if that’s really coming through. I don’t think I’m doing anything extra special, just trying to be good and compliant and helpful. I did, however, clean up our room tonight, vaccumed and everything, it looks very nice, if I do say so myself. Now I just need to do the bathroom, kitchen, and living room, leaving the upstairs to our roommates (soon to be neighbors). I’m feeling kinda bleh lately, and I haven’t started on any of my papers, though I have been thinking about them. Two are due right after break, the other is due a couple weeks after, but I need to interview Katrisa for that one, so I’m not focusing on it.

I need a good beating and fucking. I really do. I need something to snap me out of the headspace I’ve been in lately. I need to get down in that subspace and float around for a while. I need Master to drag me down into that degraded place and let me wallow there. I need him to control my breathing, make me choke and gag on his cock, to beat me and fuck me and all otherways get me to that delicious subspace. It’s been too long since we did something specifically like that. I want him to put me in high protocol, make me delve down into that dependancy and degradation and do anything and everything to me.

Though, I know this won’t happen tonight, we’re both tired, I’m way sore from the gym yesterday, and we have the (first) season finale of Dexter to watch.

Will of Another

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 15, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

Why is it so difficult for me to push aside my will and ego and give in to another? Though… putting it like that, it kind of makes sense why, heh. It’s a difficult thing to do, especially for those who have spent time specifically building up those two things. I used to be a pushover, I’d do anything for anyone, and I tried to make everyone happy. I found out that by doing that I was hurting myself, and so I needed to stop. I learned how to stand up for myself, how to say no when I needed to, how to do what I wanted. I learned that sometimes the best thing to do is the most selfish.

And now I have to relearn all of that, to put his needs first before my own, and it’s difficult to unlearn something you taught yourself for years. And it took years for me to get here, and maybe that’s part of the reason why I shy away from people, too. I don’t know.

I need to learn this, relearn this. I watch others who do for others out of pleasure, and I wonder where that need in me went. It’s still there, to an extent, but I buried it in order to live. I love doing things for others, but I love doing them on my terms, at my own time, when I want to, and not regardless of my own desires, that’s what I have major issues with. It’s like that quote which I quoted long ago “I don’t think it should be up to me when I decide I want to be submissive and when I don’t want to be. ” This is my problem. I need to fix this.

Everytime I think I’m getting better, I’m not. He still insists that getting me to do anything is like pulling teeth, even though there are plenty of times when that’s not the case, but the times when it is the case are the times that are most notable. I often just wish I could slip into that as easily as others seem to be able, that it was more of a second nature than it is now, and I tried to get that to happen with us, am trying but not successfully, and it takes two, and I’m not sure either of us really knows how to do it.

I did something tonight, was difficult, not compliant, not going along with something because he wanted to do it and I didn’t. He said that he does that for me, when he knows that doing something will make me happy he will go along with it even if he doesn’t want to. I inferred from that therefore I didn’t do that ever, though I don’t think that’s exactly what he was trying to imply, and I said that. I do that too, but just not noticeably, because it’s not noticeable if you go along without saying anything when you don’t want to do it but the other person does.

I’m trying to get over my emotional blocks, I’m trying to be more submissive to him, but it’s also hard when he won’t Dominate me. It’s like he expects me to just submit to him without having to Dominate me, and that’s difficult for me. It doesn’t mean he has to force me to do things, just exert his will over me every once in a while, that’s all.

That’s not to say this is all his fault that I’m not submissive to him as he wants me to be. Of course it’s not, and that’s not what I’m trying to say. It’s my fault mostly, but there are aspects of his fault in it, so it’s just a big mess. I’m not sure what to do sometimes, and need a little guidance. Or, I do know what to do, but it’s sometimes hard for me to just do it without being lead a bit.

Collar Jazz

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 15, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

Master just bought me a new collar, because I found it and I’m in love with it. He said it’s very “me”

Basically I have been wearing a necklace he gave me for the holidays as my collar, it looks like this only with a garnet stone:

and I love it, but I need the feel of something more solid, I think, too. I’ve gone through about three different collars with him, first a temporary one which he gave me, then a simple o-ring one with studs near the o-ring, which is really pretty, but is too small for my HUGE neck now that I’ve gained weight again =( So, I had to get another one, and then that one turned into the necklace. Eventually we still want to get one like Master and I talked about before he first collared me, steel with garnets set in it, but for now, these do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about collars and collaring lately, as not only has it been talked about on my friends list, but I’ve been thinking of designing one for me with my lorica, and then I’m making one for glen, and maybe one for ivyfang, if I can make one she likes. It’s something I feel me using the necklace as collar has kind of neglected, and wearing that has been mostly for work purposes. Perhaps Master and I need to implement something such as when he comes home or when I come home (whoever comes home last) I kneel by him and he puts the collar on me (this new collar?) and it can be something to ground me in my submission.

This would be small and quick and easy that is a little symbol saying that the outside world (except homework for the next month and a half) is not around, and it’s just us and our relationship that is key here. It may be a good way for me to get into that space of submission (not quite subspace, as I consider that something else), similar to my desire for a ~~slave~~cuntpet name. We’ve both been thinking about it. The closest we’ve (he’s) come to is arani, which I like, but… it’s not quite right, and he agrees. I like the idea of an a name, I think, but nothing we’ve come up with quite works.

Needy Me

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 14, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

I think I need some things to change, at the moment. I feel like we are not doing as much as I would like, but we are both busy, so where do we find the time, how do we find the time? We need to make time, I guess. I feel like we haven’t done much extreme for a long time. I want to be tied up, I want him to tie me up and tease me and then leave me there, bound, gagged, and instruct me not to move.

Why is it easier to submit to strangers online than it is to submit to the man I love? Not that I do that too often, or hardly at all, really, but I found myself desiring it, just the easy anonymous submission, without having to think of future ramifications, without having to think about what people might think or say or how they might act around me differently. Though, I don’t think that Owner would act differently around me if I was to always submit fully to him, instead of what I’ve been doing, which is erratic and often bratty.

I’ve been wanting to be dominated lately, to just be used, taken, played with as a toy instead of as a person or human or even pet. Perhaps that’s another aspect of my cuntpetness is the Owner/toy aspect of it. I love being treated like a toy, being put into the place where I don’t have to think about anything, just being manipulated and molded by the will of another. I ache for that, and I’ve been wanting it a lot lately. Of course, instead of just saying this to Master, I just act more bratty and irritable, subconsciously hoping that he will take me in hand, so to speak. Needless to say, this doesn’t work.

Why don’t I just up and say something to him? Well, honestly, I think I’m rather shy about stuff like that. I have this fear of expressing things that are real, a fear of exposing myself to others, which is really why I’m attracted to submission in the first place. I long to be able to be exposed, raw, and bare, and for it not to matter. I care too much about what he thinks, and I’m too paranoid about getting hurt or about him not taking something the way I mean it, or about him not taking something I say seriously enough, or taking it too seriously… and so instead of saying things I just close off, shut down, until I am irritated and he’s confused.

The solution is obvious, but how to get to the solution, that’s the problem. It’s so difficult for me to say what I have and do already, I’m not sure how much more I really can express, and yet I know I need to. More than anything right now, I just need to be used and ass fucked would be nice too.

Quickies

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 3, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, Smut

Saturday and Sunday nights were yummy. I don’t remember all the details, or I would expound them in a much more articulate manner, however, I do remember on Saturday there was fucking–lots of fucking. Master came twice inside of me after not thinking that he could cum at all (we had some additives in our system that he thought would hinder him). He fucked my face some. I called out dirty things to him and moaned and begged for him to pound my cunt. We played around with some asphyxiation as well (I asked for it, yum, I love it), and he made me cum with his hand over my mouth and holding my nose closed. I’m sure I’m forgetting things, but it was all a blur of wonderful sensation.

Sunday was more regular, and though Master was sore I got him to fuck me anyway, just a quickie with him fucking me with my ankles on his shoulders. He was ready to call it a night after he came, but I asked if I could, he said something like “you don’t think you get to cum every night, do you?” I said “no, but I can at least ask.” And he was very generous and let me cum once, hard, for about a minute. It was delicious.

That’s my quickie.

Owner/cuntpet

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 25, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, Identity: Submissive

I have been trying to come up with better terms for what I engage in than Master/Mistress and slave. I think I need a combination of Owner/cunt, Owner/pet, and Owner/(sexual) servant. So maybe I’m a sexual service cuntpet? Heh. Perhaps pet can encompass all of these?

What I mean by this: Owner/cunt as described by cunt is something I take to mean as having fun with bratting, in many ways, and being able to mouth off and protest and curse and do all the things a “proper slave” is supposedly not supposed to do. These are things I enjoy to do at times, though not at others. Well, correction, I’m a smart-ass all the time, regardless, and I am a brat quite often, though not always for the aim of being forced into submission. I enjoy being forced and overpowered and just, well, dominated. I definitely have a force fetish. However, I do enjoy service also, I do enjoy other aspects of slavehood, not just being forced. Thus, the other aspects.

My service is primarily sexual, though not only. I enjoy doing for him in whatever way he needs, as a symbol or signal of my submission to him and as a gesture of my love, adoration, and worship of not only him but also our chosen dynamic. I love serving him sexually, being told what to do, ordered around, and also just giving that service to him. We have expanded my service to other mundane things such as making and serving him food and drinks (which I would do anyway, but we have made it into more of an expression of my submission by adding gesture and word to it should we be alone, or simply eye contact and both of us mentally acknowledging my gift at that point). I enjoy doing menial mundane things for him as well as the sexual service which I readily and eagerly provide.

Master calls me pet, I think it’s his favorite term for me, really. I have always fancied my submission as being a mixture of pampered pet and dirty whore, and my idea of Owner/pet is that of a pampered pet as well as an eager follower. Pets can be strong and willful, independent, stubborn, and spirited, while at the same time being able to be tamed or broken. One of my favorite quotes, which Kat introduced me to, and I don’t remember who it is by, but she may let us know in a comment and I will amend this: “A wild horse doesn’t need to be broken. If she is tamed properly she will still have fire in her eyes while eating out of the palm of your hand.” This is really what I mean when I say “broken.” I don’t mean broken in an unhealthy sort of way, or in a way that would squelch my spirit and self, but in a way that would tame me for the time being, with the knowledge and desire for me to become strong and willful and etc. again, but also be able to have this “broken” or tamed space within which I can be as well.

This may be the best for an overall idea, Owner/pet, though I think that “pet” carries different connotations than those I would be using them for, but maybe that’s okay, because, really, no matter what word I use it will have some sort of connotation or another. Perhaps I just need a new word altogether, but even that would carry a connotation in a sense. Perhaps “cuntpet” is a more fitting and accurate term, which carries with it damn near the connotations that I would like associated with it and me and my submission. So, after all this musing, I come back to what I said at the beginning of the entry: so maybe I’m a sexual service cuntpet. Or just cuntpet for short.

Though, this doesn’t address my generalization issues, as mentioned in the last post as well, that this is rather specifically a female term, and though I do know some boys are called cunt too, I’m not sure if it would work. However, at this point I’m not as much worried about it generalizing as I am about just wanting something which is individually mine. Maybe that’s all that matters. Cuntpet is me, and very specific.

I Don't Want to Win

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 5, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

So, over the weekend, a few things happened. Master and I had a long talk about issues, like the last post about us. I’ve been extremely resistant lately, more than I would like to admit to. We are finally moving forward in our M/s relationship, we have guidelines, we have structure, and still I resist, and even more strongly, even though I was the one to encourage the changes. I can’t help but wonder about myself in these regards. I was the one desiring it, and yet still I’m the one resisting. How much sense does that make? And, yet, knowing what I do about psychology and about myself, it makes a lot of sense.

As mentioned previously, I’m a control freak. I love being in control, and yet I have the desire to be broken, but not permanently broken but… a temporary breaking. It’s hard to explain. I have such a tight rein on myself most of the time that makes it very difficult for me to give that over to another, while at the same time longing to be able to. I think that a lot of it, too, is I need to know that he is worthy of it, not only that he is worthy but that he can best me. I said this, and it confused him.

We talk a lot about equality, and he said that me wanting him to best me was counter to that, and I agreed. The funny thing is, I want equality except for when we’re not equal. Better to say, really, is I want equity. I want us to be unequal but of equal worth, sort of, while still being able to be called a dirty whore and lovely things like that. I want to be below him while both of us honoring both of our positions, not just his, both of us knowing that we are both to be cherished, that we are both of equal value and worth while at the same time he having power over me. I want us to be inherently equal, but unequal by choice. Perhaps this makes sense.

I recalled to him a story I once read, which was a morning-after story, basically, after a weekend of strict M/s. The high protocol was over from the night before, but the submissive was still acting as if she was in high protocol, just automatically. She did a few things and then took a step back and went “wait a minute, I don’t need to do this” and so she stopped. The story went on from there, but this is the important part.

I want to be able to do that. I want to get to a place where I am essentially broken though broken in a way that still retains my core self) and then be able to have that realization moment and move back into the “me” space, slip back into low protocol, and have high protocol my automatic motion. Currently it is the opposite, and currently it is almost painfully difficult to move into high protocol. Hopefully this will change with what I talked about last time, but we shall see.

This may sound harsher than I mean it, or it may sound wholly unrealistic, but I don’t think it is, not in the way I mean it anyway. It’s difficult to explain, perhaps, and I’m not even sure I’m getting the meaning across, but I’m trying to.

Basically, I need to know that he is better than me, that he can best me at any time, that he is above me, that he can master me with all the implications that term can have). I need to know this in my being before I can be completely his, completely owned by him, and I’m not sure I know this.

I know he is human, I know he has insecurities, but these aren’t the things which make him fall short of this, it’s the other things, the little things. I’m extremely sensitive to little things. I obsess. I nitpick. I endlessly play scenes and past scenarios in my head and pick them apart. I know that if I wait long enough, he will give up. If I am stubborn enough, I won’t have to do whatever it is he asks, because I will win out, I will be the stronger one, I will be victorious. I don’t want to win.

I’m working on this. I’m working on letting go, on giving myself over, but I’m not sure I will be able to allow myself this until I know that he can master me, not just that he can Dominate or Own me, though in a way that he is worthy of Owning me, and that may sound conceited, but it’s true of anyone. To be a Dominant, to be an Owner of someone else you ~~must~~ should be able to prove to them that you are worthy of owning another human being.

This is not to say that I don’t think he is wonderful. This is not to say that intellectually I think he isn’t worthy of owning me, but none of this is coming from a place of intellect, and this is where the problem lies. I have a great trouble controlling my automatic emotional reactions, and these are them. It has taken me a long time to get to this, years, really. I have been trying to write all this for about a week and have been mulling it over in my head for longer. I love him desperately, and I desire to be owned by him, and I desire to be submissive to him, and I desire to be the perfect little slavepet, but I have all this blockage inside that I have to work on and remove first.

Realizing this is the first step to breaking it down. I am amazing at keeping things from myself when I want to. I know that the brain will do this automatically, keep things from your conscious mind so that you can cope with them, deal with them, usually if they are traumatic or somehow shocking. This is a natural thing for the brain to do, but I feel like mine does it more than most.

Perhaps I am just so sensitive, that having the answer shoved at me instead of getting to it gradually and having to actually work at getting the answer would cause me shock. And this is probably true. It’s a water sign thing, really, and I know people who do this more than I do no names mentioned, of course, I could definitely not be talking about my old roommate Chris–yes I’m still bitter), so I’m somewhere on the end, but not quite at the extreme. At least I am trying to dig down and figure these things out.

This realization will do good for us, as all internal realizations have and will. We are wonderfully devoted to each other’s growth and discovery of self, and without that encouragement and the pushing that we each put on the other I don’t think we would have come nearly as far on our own as we have together. This is basically what our composite chart says, over and over, now that I think about it, lol. I’ll have to post that sometime.

Not On My Terms, Please

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On February 4, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

I had a dream two nights ago that I was being punished. My subconcious apparently needed me to feel worse about things, or maybe it was something which was meant to snap me out of my resistance, I’m not sure. It did make me realize a few things.

One thing I’ve been wanting to write on is something which illustratedtart said “I don’t think it should be up to me when I decide I want to be submissive and when I don’t want to be. ” Now, this is something I’ve been strugging with for a while. I have difficulty (as I’m sure everyone does to an extent) with giving up control. I love being in control, in fact, I am a control freak. I mentioned this to Master while we were talking about things like this and he said “you are? really?” all sarcastic-like. We know this, we know I have an overwhelming need to be in control in all situations. This makes M/s difficult for us.

Neither of us are yet concrete in our roles, we are both insecure for many reasons, and while we do try to “fake it until we make it” as it were (with tons of communication, of course) it is often difficult. I have been resisting his leadership lately, for various reasons, mainly because of the reason above, that he pulls me out of something I’m doing in order to do something he’s wanting me to. This should not be as big of an issue as it is. I think this is one of the issues with being 24/7 and living together, and eventually this will flow more easily, but for now we are still choppy. If we didn’t live together we could have time to mentally prepare before going into high protocol.

We are (basically) in low protocol all the time. High protocol, however, is difficult for me to slip into on a (his) whim, and so our solution is that we are going to have set times which we are in high protocol, rather than just having it happen whenever. I mean, we would still be able to have it happen whenever as well, but Master and I have decided that it would be best to give me a warning sort of thing, like “In 5 minutes we will be going into high protocol, slave” and then I will be able to finish whatever I’m doing and be ready when I am expected to.

Eventually, this will not be needed, but for now I am needing this in order to get to a space where I can be comfortable. It will still not be on my terms, and I will still not have control over it, but I will have the ability to be mentally prepaired for it, and that will give the illusion of control (sort of, mentally, if that makes sense), and that will help greatly with my resistance (in theory).

Master decided that for approximately 30 minutes after he gets home (or I get home, whoever gets home last) we will be in high protocol, and he will let me know his ETA and such. Our other set time is going to be Sundays, but he has not decided on a time. I think that weekend nights which we are alone for should be included in that as well, but we shall see. It will depend on other factors too.

I’ll update later about how this works. We have not done this yet. There will be more about the weekend later and what has lead up to this.

Poly and My Gender Crisis

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On January 18, 2008

In Gender Galaxy, Polyamory

I haven’t really talked much about polyamory here. This is something I would like to talk more about, and something which Master and I need to talk about as well. He has mentioned that he would not want another slave. I think his idea of poly includes us having a third, rather than just one of us or the other having another partner, but I’m not sure. I think I would want a secondary that’s just my own, and to be a secondary to that secondary. I also like the idea of us having someone who we are both with as well, but they would also have to be a secondary, he and I would come first. I would want our secondaries to have someone else, a primary, and maybe we could be involved with them as well somehow, or not, it would depend on the person.

I’m having a slight gender crisis right now, but that’s for a different post, I think, I don’t know, maybe not? I’ve been reading Stone Butch Blues, which is amazing and something that I think everyone should read, but I identify almost too strongly with Jess. I identify with butches, and I wonder if that’s part of what makes me a femme, or if it’s because I have some butch in me. I used to be butch. I loved it. I think I would still love it, but I love my femme-ininity just as well. When I was butch I still wore skirts, and maybe that’s what I need, to cross the lines instead of just being on one side or the other, but it’s hard to be somewhat butch and mostly femme it’s easier to be somewhat femme and mostly butch, and I don’t think that’s where I am at.

I feel like, in some odd ways, that I’m passing. I’m passing for straight and passing for woman, when in reality I am neither of those things. I love women and men, and women just a little more generally, but I’m currently with a man, which means I can pass as straight in the regular world, and maybe that’s good, maybe I need to be passing in Utah. I mean, it’s fucking Utah.

People look at me and think woman, they don’t have to figure me out, and maybe I like it when they do, but how do I encorporate a little bit of butch into my femme without cutting my hair or not wearing skirts or not wearing makeup, all of which I love to do/have. Odd, really. There’s no way to be feminine and in between unless you’re male, and maybe this is why I identify so strongly with drag queens and male femininity, because it’s a femininity which can be between man and woman while being feminine, but the between man and woman while being feminine for females is nearly impossible.

I long to be butch, yet I love to be femme, so where do I fit, if anywhere? This is partially where genderqueer comes in, but I want to be both and yet can’t be, and that’s basically genderqueer, but not only… I just don’t quite fit right. This is my gender crisis. I love the gender I’ve fit into, but how do I express it without wearing a gender tag that says “I’m a gothic looking bio-female genderqueer femme drag queen, ask me how!”? Otherwise I’m just written off as “woman.” And while I’m not against woman nor do I fault others for identifying as woman it doesn’t do it for me.

I love being femme, yet I long to be butch, but I know if I was butch I would long to be femme… wouldn’t I? Did I long to be femme while I was butch, or did I just long for a woman or a man who would accept me for who I was? Why did I start growing out my hair, so I could find a lover easier? I’m not sure. I’m not sure what I want, or what I am, or what I should do. But, then, I love having this long hair, and I want to grow it out, down past my shoulders, so it touches the middle of my back. Long black hair, nice and gothy and gorgeous and amusing all at once. I cling to my campy gender, my camp femme-ininty. I love it, and yet…

I think what I really need is a woman. I need female contact and companionship, not necesarially just for sex, but someone I can love and who will love me back. I’m not sure if I could have a woman bond like that as a secondary, though. I’m not sure she could be my primary either, though, since I’m with Onyx. And I love him, and I want him, and I love being with him and being his and everything that goes along with us being us, but he’s not a woman and he doesn’t understand some of the things that pull me so hard that sometimes i fear I will burst, or break, like women and queerness.

I think my longing to be butch is just a longing for a butch, or just for a woman, because I long for and love femme-ininity as well, so I think I’m just projecting my desire to be with a woman as my desire to be a different kind of woman, or the kind of woman I would want to be with, if that makes sense at all. I just ache and covet.

note: this, being a rant, is not asking for advice, but empathy is accepted happily.