Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Category: Polyamory

Developments, Backwards Steps, and the Path Forward

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On April 23, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

I’ve been kind of bereft of things to say lately. Not that there aren’t things happening, but perhaps because there is too much happening and I can’t formulate all my words for it. Not a lot on the BDSM front has been happening, really, we’re just plugging along. Master has gotten kind of lax on some things, but only after something that happened on Saturday night. We were sitting, watching a few episodes of season four of BSG, and going to go over to our neighbormates after we were done watching. We got done, he hopped up, said we should go over, and I paused, grumped, and basically took a little bit to get up. He threw a little fit, said “fine” and went downstairs. I was bewildered. I wanted to go, I was going to go, I was just tired and taking a little bit to get up.

He said that he was tired of everything being a struggle. I was so confused, and I went off on how it has been different and he was acting as if it wasn’t, and I went off on how I was just exhausted from working all day and thinking about all the things I had to do all the time, and not having a mental break, and oh so much more. I ended up bawling in the living room, and he held me. I hadn’t really let on just how stressed and tired and overwhelmed I have been about everything that’s going on, but I let him know it then. Since then, however, he’s been a little lax, as I mentioned. I think because of everything I said.

What I can’t wait for, though is to not have to worry about anything of this sort. I’ll still have work (hopefully more of it), and I’ll still have things that I want to do, but nothing mandatory. I have a feeling I will be increadibly lazy. This will also afford me the ability to devote more time to Master and to Kat.

Kat and I have taken slightly backwards steps as well, I haven’t been kneeling next to her in channel, I kind of backed off because of what happened last weekend. I was thinking about it today, though, and realized she didn’t tell me to back off, I just did it. I think I view my submission to her as well as my submission to Master as a burden to them, a chore, something they have to “deal with” instead of something which should bring them pleasure and, perhaps, lift some burdens. I came to realize that I need to have more trust in both of them, that I need to stop thinking about what I think they want and just give myself to them and they can do what they want with that.

If they don’t want me to be submissive at that time and want support from a loving equal, then they will tell me that. However, I think it is harder for them (or less likely) to tell me to be submissive when I’m not being than telling me to not be submissive when I am being… if that makes sense. I think it does. I think that it would be better for me to submit without being prompted to, and I think that would be better and easier for them as well.

I used to think of this all wrong, I think. I viewed submitting as something to be done to me, as opposed to something I would freely give. I don’t and won’t just give it to anyone, it takes a very special person for me to truly submit to them. I can sexually submit to someone easily, but to actually submit completely and totally to the will of another is something which is much more difficult for me to do.

There is a reason why I have chosen these two people, because I love them, because they know me, because we click in some way or another, and many other reasons. But more than anything else, I think, I have chosen them because I have the desire to submit to them, to make them proud of me, to make their lives a little easier, and to be able to show the love I have for them in a very overt and obvious way.

I need to trust that they will be able to handle what I give them, and despite minor misgivings, I do. I need to trust that they will communicate with me openly and let me know when I’m doing something they don’t want me to do, or let me know if I’m doing something right. I need to trust that they will be consistent. I need to know that I’m appreciated, and that my gift is reciprocated.

I’m not to all these places yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was a year ago, and that’s something to be proud of. I’m also closer than I was a week ago, and simply by making this discovery (and the ones which are sure to follow–whatever they may be) I am closer every minute.

That Which We Call A "Rose"…

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On April 15, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

Someone posted about being named today, and it got me thinking. I have been wanting a slavecuntpet name for quite some time now, yet Master and I have yet to find one which suits. Kat has been calling me “lotus” and “flower” which I do love, but that would be my name with her, of course. I’m wondering if she wants me to call her something, like Miss or Ma’am, though I’m more partial to Miss, or something else entirely… I was thinking about that as we were talking today, but I didn’t take the time to ask… I’ll ask her about that tomorrow.

But, my name with Master is one I would like to be able to adopt. He thought about arani, which I like but there’s something slightly off about it… not quite me, I guess. My self-chosen aliases of quadishtu and magdalena aren’t suitable either, as they do have different contexts, and we both want one which can be for him and me only, really. Cuntpet is more of a term for me than a name, as it’s my alternative to “slave.” So… where does this name come from, then? I know a lot of people say “wait, it’ll come” and that we’ll find it when we’re ready, and maybe that’s part of it, but I also want one now so that we can start working with it. Perhaps cuntpet just needs to be that for now, although that is also an alias I chose for myself, not something he chose for me.

The concept of having a name given to me, or chosen for me by my Master or Kat is one which I enjoy. It definitely creates an atmosphere of submission, without really having to do very much. It shows the hold they have over me, as they have the will and ability to change my name at any given moment. I love mental aspects of BDSM, and this is one that would fall into that category. I also believe that names hold great power, that they influence one’s life profoundly, which is also why when naming anything (generally pets) I have rules which I follow (I got this from my mother), and I make sure they always have three names, and names which fit them.

It’s finding a name with Master that’s the trouble. I’m sure he would like to name me a goddess, arani is a goddess of sexual fire, and I’m sure that’s the theme he’s wanting, but nothing seems to fit. I forget the other option, but I liked it much less than arani. I will probably just have to wait and see what we come up with, but in the meantime I want to start conditioning that switch in me to be associated with a name. However, I will just have to wait. Perhaps we need to find one in the meantime to work with, aside from cuntpet. I do enjoy cuntcake, it’s one I thought up today, hehe, but it wouldn’t be a name. Perhaps something simple, like lotus is simple and pretty and me, I love that she chose that for me. Maybe tigerlily, or simply nymph…

Any suggestions? Do any of you have names you’re called, or have you named your property something else?

Passion is the Source of Our Finest Moments

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On April 9, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

Lots has been going on… where to start?

I’ll start with posting about Master and me. Since the last post specifically about us we have been doing a lot better. We’re in the stage we were at the end of the post still: both of us striving to prove to the other that we can do this, both of us wanting this, both of us working on it.

It’s difficult, though, with him working until 10pm, but luckily that’s only three nights a week. There has been a lot going on, as well, stress wise and emotion wise and everything, and I have a feeling we will get even better in a month, once I have less to do and we can focus more on ourselves and each other.

He has been better at making me do things when I don’t, and I have been better at remembering to do them, so it’s really a win-win situation, as I talked about before. I’ve been trying to have dinner ready when he gets home, though I’ve failed at this a little both the past two nights, but I’m working on it more. I need to look back over the list of expectations, our protocols, and our contract and commit them to better memory. I mean, I’ve mostly memorized them, but I think that I could remember them better.

I also would like to do more with our position commands, but, really, one thing at a time. One of my big things is resistance when I feel he’s pushing and I’m not ready to give whatever it happens to be he is pushing for. I have been getting better at simply giving instead of trying to control what and when I’m giving. I did this a bit the first night that we kind of got back into this, but since then… I mean, I’ve been bratty and cheeky, but not resisting completely, to make the distinction between the two.

I do know that we’ve slipped a little in the last few days, not been quite as strict, but maybe we don’t need to… I think a lot of that, too, has to do with him working until 10pm. It’s getting a lot better. I’m really excited about the new aspect to us, the new development, and despite slight slipping it really hasn’t slipped that much, or not nearly as much as the last time we determined something like this. I really feel something different within me, a realization that has changed the way I’m interacting with both Master and Kat, a clicking of a sort making me realize that I have to do a lot of the work if I really want things to happen, but the work I have to do is work that is both overt and subtle…

My other update is about Kat. I pointed her to the posts I had written and we talked things over and kind of came to the conclusion of needing to try this, needing to see if we could add D/s to our relationship. I’m honestly not sure if it will work, but we’re both willing to give it a try, and we both know that even if it doesn’t work we’ll still retain our friendship.

We’ve done little bits of things, just kind of testing the waters, this is all online, mind you. I watched her playing with the other girl in channel that I mentioned two posts ago, and I was jealous, of course, but I also liked it. I mean, I work on my jealousy, I don’t just shove it away, I like to overthink it, expose what is at the root of it, and in this case it was kind of obvious, I wanted her to toy with me like that. She mentioned that toying with her is like practice for me, since she’s still nervous. I don’t think that’s really a motivating factor in it, but I think that’s an added bonus.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m pushing this on her… I know she says I’m not, and she’s said she wants it to, but… I still can’t help but wonder. But, then, I wondered the same thing with Master, and he’s been loving it, which is what helps me to realize that this is actually what he wants. Online it’s so much easier to lie about what you’re feeling, not that I really think Kat would do that, but… it’s possible, and I’m a paranoid person, heh. I think she’d tell me if she really didn’t want to do this.

The little bit that we did today, though, I really did enjoy it, and I was glad that I enjoyed it as much as I did. I can only hope that she enjoyed it as well. She agreed that it didn’t feel wrong when I said it, and she said “we have to let go of certain stigma. I’m trying.” and I’m not sure I know exactly what that means, but I didn’t ask at the time. She said many other things which I liked, which I was happy to hear, and which should show how she’s feeling about everything, I think, but I still can’t help but wonder. When I’m pushing interactions I tend to overthink the motivation of everyone else involved, I can’t help it.

She said “I want you as you are…my wild strong lotus” and also “but you’re mine. it’s good to be queen.” Which I couldn’t help but chuckle at, but also enjoy. Really, I’ve been “whipped” by her (not literally) for quite some time. I mean, not only has she simply been possessive of me for quite some time, and I’ve been her her “therapist” (as we joked) for quite some time and also her friend and little more (other than both of us desiring more but being afraid to act on it), but I’ve always been wrapped around her little finger, and it’s been pretty obvious.

Things are looking up relationship-wise on all fronts, really. Master and I have talked about Kat and I and he doesn’t seem surprised at this turn, though he mentioned the difficulty of LDR’s, not that I really had to be reminded, I remember ours while we were apart, but it’s something to keep in mind anyway. Though, we already have the emotional connection, it’s just the D/s and the sexual we have to build now, and that may or may not be difficult. The sexual one has been there as an undercurrent for a very long time, it’s just never been acted on. The D/s is in some ways the most difficult part.

I can’t help but wonder how this will turn out, and I’m excited to find out.

My Perfect Situation

By

On April 6, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Identity: Submissive, Polyamory

I’ve been waiting for things to get better between Master and me before jumping into anything else. However, I have been deeply craving for some sort of close relationship with a woman. I used to think that I was submissive with men and dominant with women, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore. My bdsm role has been evolving as I have been (which makes sense). I now think about being dominated by women, and a woman as mentioned previously, but also women in general. I don’t think I would want to be the top in most any relationship.

Right now what I really want (once Master and I get more set in our dynamic, I don’t believe in bringing in new people to try and set or help an existing relationship) a Domme to play with us. She would be someone which my Master would be friends with. He would have the overall say, but would allow her to do as she pleased for the most part. She would not be submissive to him, but, rather, they would be equals and they wouldn’t be sexual with each other, but they would be friendly and intimate. This would make me the center of attention, of course.

I miss being with a woman terribly, and although I love my Master I still long for something different as well. I know he cannot satisfy all of my needs as I don’t think that anyone can 100% satisfy the needs of another. I’m intensely attracted to individuals rather than genders or sexes, but, really, they do play a role as well. I’m not really interested in getting another man in my life right now. Not seriously, anyway. I would play with men, and both Master and I would love to have me playing with other men, but I don’t want to start a relationship with one (unless he’s exceptionally perfect, and even then, I’m not sure if I would want a Master and a Dom… but it would depend on who comes along).

I was hoping that Kat and I could start that relationship. I’ve been waiting for my relationship with Master to improve before delving into it, but now those ideas are discouraged. Like I mentioned last post, though, I do have the slight hope that I might be able to change her mind if I could convince her that I could be submissive to her and she would like it, but I’m not sure if that is possible, just an idea. The more I’m thinking about it, the more I’m unsure of it. I wouldn’t force anything on her, but I do want to bring up the idea of it, just not right now (we’ve talked a bit today, but I didn’t bring this up because she has other things going on, so I’ll bring it up later).

In light of the new development, however, I may start looking for someone else, as my interviewing and worthyness process takes quite a while, and by that time perhaps Master and I will be at the right stage. She has said that she would be jealous if she saw me with another person, and I think it’s because we haven’t actually done anything. I’ll admit, I’ve been jealous of how she’s been in channel with another woman, and I can’t help but wish it was me that she was toying with like that. But, at the same time, I know I couldn’t just do that, and so there is my problem.

Is Vanilla Really an Option?

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On April 6, 2008

In a Relationship: Kat & glen, Identity: Submissive, Polyamory

Kat and I were talking the other night, as I mentioned in my last post, and, well… some interesting, crucial, and rather disappointing information was brought to my attention. I haven’t really talked about mine and Kat’s background and friendship, so I figure it’s about time. Kat and I have known each other online for about two years, maybe almost three by now, I’m not entirely sure, though I could probably find out, but the length isn’t exactly what matters.

When we first met, she thought she was submissive. I watched her go through a few relationships until she found glen. At first they were M/f, and it was the first relationship I saw her in that I knew just felt right, all the others, well, they were good, for the most part, but they didn’t seem to click the same easy way as she and glen did. They were wonderful together, they knew it and I knew it. A few months into their relationship, they decided to experiment, as Kat as a submissive wasn’t going as well as they’d hoped. She dominated him, and they ended up loving it, and switching roles. Now, they have been F/m for quite some time, and they are both happier. Kat, especially, is so much less volatile and irritable than when we first met. It’s like they center each other, and they are so good together.

What does this have to do with Kat and me? Well, not a lot directly, though Kat, a friend of hers, Master, and I are going to all go to England in about a month (May 10th). Master and I are going to meet Kat for the first time, and we all are going to England to meet glen for the first time. It is going to be amazing.

Kat and I have been attracted to each other for quite a while, and glen has always been comfortable with us together (they have been exploring poly as well in general, but that is another topic), and Master and I are poly and he knows how much I care for her as well. We have talked extensively about how there’s pretty much no way that we won’t at least kiss, and probably do more than that, when we meet and in England. I’m all about it.

We have never done anything past snuggling and kissing, however, not online that is, as that’s the only medium we have. Neither of us really do much online, but we have toyed with the idea of scening with one another (that is, basically, having cyber sex only in a better term). We have talked, as well, about D/s and our relationship. It hasn’t been that much of a thing until the other night.

One time when I was on molly I was online and told her I loved her and wanted her to dominate me the next day. Later, when she was online and on vicodin for an infection she had, she professed love and we did a small amount of fooling around, a little more than our usual. It seems that we need drugs in order for us to get anywhere sexually, heh. I think this is because we both have the worry that we will ruin our friendship if we go anything beyond what we already are, but we are growing distant from each other at the same time, both of us wanting more, but not able to bring ourselves to do so.

As for the D/s part, often when it comes up she will say something like “do you really think of me that way?” or “would you really want me to dominate you?” My answer is always “yes!” or some variation thereof. I’ve thought of her more and more that way since they switched. Honestly, I wasn’t very attracted to her when she was a sub like me, I’m not much of a switch, and I’m not much of a fan of simply vanilla, so I prefer my partners dominant and kinky.

She said something the other night, though, we were talking about us again, our relationship in general, and we were talking about me a lot as well. This was the night before Master and I started to work things out. I was talking with her about my issues with him and what was going on. I was thinking a lot about what would help me get the domination I crave, and I mentioned that maybe if I was more submissive acting generally I would get domination more, from both her and him. She replied in a usual way: “but would you really want to submit to me?”

I asked her why she thought I wouldn’t, and she went on: “because we’d maybe not be able to act that way toward eachother because we know eachother too well… I mean you, in a lot of ways, are way more “dominant” than me…I come to you for advice and to pull me out of my own brain… in a lot of ways I feel you are like the parent and I’m the child. I feel like I can’t dominate you because you take care of me and are more mature than me” (these are a few different lines kind of strung together). I was shocked.

I mean, on one hand it makes sense, and I think this is my problem in a lot of ways in general: I have this tight control freak way about me. Friends who I come out to as submissive usually say something like “I thought you would be a Domme.” I think this was the problem with me and Master for quite some time, as well. I simply don’t act like a submissive. I really don’t. I am strong willed, feisty, sarcastic, and I don’t back down or give in easily. I really don’t have a submissive personality, but I crave domination. This can make things quite difficult.

I’m rather disappointed, really. I can’t help but wonder if she saw me as submissive, if I started acting submissive toward her, if that would help or change her mind. She also said “I think I’d have to be vanilla with you really.” I’m still thinking and obsessing over this. We haven’t really been able to talk about it since then, either, we haven’t been online at the same time. I don’t know if I would want to be vanilla with her. I really do see her as a Domme now, and I know how amazing she is, and I want her to dominate me. I’ve wanted this for quite a while, really, but I’m just so horrible at asking.

I just wonder if she could ever see me as submissive, since she doesn’t now. The thing to do right now, I think, is to talk to her about it. I don’t know how I feel about us being vanilla, but if we can’t be D/s, then I don’t know. There’s a disconnect here, and we need to fix it, and maybe that is what has been driving us apart lately as well. She’s known that I want her to dominate me, though I don’t know how much she has believed it. I’ve known she’s had a reluctance to it. Perhaps it’s just not meant to happen this way. I’m sure I’ll talk more about this later.

Multiple Partners Survey

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On March 22, 2008

In Polyamory

Just filled out a Multiple Partners Survey for a research study on polyamory, here’s the info on it:

I’m doing a research project on the impact of poly culture on people who engage in multiple partner relationships. The survey is open to people who call themselves polyamorous as well as those who approach multiple partner relating in independent ways.

Here’s the link to the survey. Please take it and pass it on. Thanks.
Link: click here to take it

Thanks
Dr. Leanna Wolfe

I’m passing it on, it’s both well thought out and poly-friendly (as one would assume), and it didn’t take very long to complete at all. I figure some of you may be interested in taking it. I got it from a post in the Utah Polyamory Society group.

Poly and My Gender Crisis

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On January 18, 2008

In Gender Galaxy, Polyamory

I haven’t really talked much about polyamory here. This is something I would like to talk more about, and something which Master and I need to talk about as well. He has mentioned that he would not want another slave. I think his idea of poly includes us having a third, rather than just one of us or the other having another partner, but I’m not sure. I think I would want a secondary that’s just my own, and to be a secondary to that secondary. I also like the idea of us having someone who we are both with as well, but they would also have to be a secondary, he and I would come first. I would want our secondaries to have someone else, a primary, and maybe we could be involved with them as well somehow, or not, it would depend on the person.

I’m having a slight gender crisis right now, but that’s for a different post, I think, I don’t know, maybe not? I’ve been reading Stone Butch Blues, which is amazing and something that I think everyone should read, but I identify almost too strongly with Jess. I identify with butches, and I wonder if that’s part of what makes me a femme, or if it’s because I have some butch in me. I used to be butch. I loved it. I think I would still love it, but I love my femme-ininity just as well. When I was butch I still wore skirts, and maybe that’s what I need, to cross the lines instead of just being on one side or the other, but it’s hard to be somewhat butch and mostly femme it’s easier to be somewhat femme and mostly butch, and I don’t think that’s where I am at.

I feel like, in some odd ways, that I’m passing. I’m passing for straight and passing for woman, when in reality I am neither of those things. I love women and men, and women just a little more generally, but I’m currently with a man, which means I can pass as straight in the regular world, and maybe that’s good, maybe I need to be passing in Utah. I mean, it’s fucking Utah.

People look at me and think woman, they don’t have to figure me out, and maybe I like it when they do, but how do I encorporate a little bit of butch into my femme without cutting my hair or not wearing skirts or not wearing makeup, all of which I love to do/have. Odd, really. There’s no way to be feminine and in between unless you’re male, and maybe this is why I identify so strongly with drag queens and male femininity, because it’s a femininity which can be between man and woman while being feminine, but the between man and woman while being feminine for females is nearly impossible.

I long to be butch, yet I love to be femme, so where do I fit, if anywhere? This is partially where genderqueer comes in, but I want to be both and yet can’t be, and that’s basically genderqueer, but not only… I just don’t quite fit right. This is my gender crisis. I love the gender I’ve fit into, but how do I express it without wearing a gender tag that says “I’m a gothic looking bio-female genderqueer femme drag queen, ask me how!”? Otherwise I’m just written off as “woman.” And while I’m not against woman nor do I fault others for identifying as woman it doesn’t do it for me.

I love being femme, yet I long to be butch, but I know if I was butch I would long to be femme… wouldn’t I? Did I long to be femme while I was butch, or did I just long for a woman or a man who would accept me for who I was? Why did I start growing out my hair, so I could find a lover easier? I’m not sure. I’m not sure what I want, or what I am, or what I should do. But, then, I love having this long hair, and I want to grow it out, down past my shoulders, so it touches the middle of my back. Long black hair, nice and gothy and gorgeous and amusing all at once. I cling to my campy gender, my camp femme-ininty. I love it, and yet…

I think what I really need is a woman. I need female contact and companionship, not necesarially just for sex, but someone I can love and who will love me back. I’m not sure if I could have a woman bond like that as a secondary, though. I’m not sure she could be my primary either, though, since I’m with Onyx. And I love him, and I want him, and I love being with him and being his and everything that goes along with us being us, but he’s not a woman and he doesn’t understand some of the things that pull me so hard that sometimes i fear I will burst, or break, like women and queerness.

I think my longing to be butch is just a longing for a butch, or just for a woman, because I long for and love femme-ininity as well, so I think I’m just projecting my desire to be with a woman as my desire to be a different kind of woman, or the kind of woman I would want to be with, if that makes sense at all. I just ache and covet.

note: this, being a rant, is not asking for advice, but empathy is accepted happily.

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