Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Category: a Love: Onyx Page 11 of 14

Developments, Backwards Steps, and the Path Forward

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On April 23, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

I’ve been kind of bereft of things to say lately. Not that there aren’t things happening, but perhaps because there is too much happening and I can’t formulate all my words for it. Not a lot on the BDSM front has been happening, really, we’re just plugging along. Master has gotten kind of lax on some things, but only after something that happened on Saturday night. We were sitting, watching a few episodes of season four of BSG, and going to go over to our neighbormates after we were done watching. We got done, he hopped up, said we should go over, and I paused, grumped, and basically took a little bit to get up. He threw a little fit, said “fine” and went downstairs. I was bewildered. I wanted to go, I was going to go, I was just tired and taking a little bit to get up.

He said that he was tired of everything being a struggle. I was so confused, and I went off on how it has been different and he was acting as if it wasn’t, and I went off on how I was just exhausted from working all day and thinking about all the things I had to do all the time, and not having a mental break, and oh so much more. I ended up bawling in the living room, and he held me. I hadn’t really let on just how stressed and tired and overwhelmed I have been about everything that’s going on, but I let him know it then. Since then, however, he’s been a little lax, as I mentioned. I think because of everything I said.

What I can’t wait for, though is to not have to worry about anything of this sort. I’ll still have work (hopefully more of it), and I’ll still have things that I want to do, but nothing mandatory. I have a feeling I will be increadibly lazy. This will also afford me the ability to devote more time to Master and to Kat.

Kat and I have taken slightly backwards steps as well, I haven’t been kneeling next to her in channel, I kind of backed off because of what happened last weekend. I was thinking about it today, though, and realized she didn’t tell me to back off, I just did it. I think I view my submission to her as well as my submission to Master as a burden to them, a chore, something they have to “deal with” instead of something which should bring them pleasure and, perhaps, lift some burdens. I came to realize that I need to have more trust in both of them, that I need to stop thinking about what I think they want and just give myself to them and they can do what they want with that.

If they don’t want me to be submissive at that time and want support from a loving equal, then they will tell me that. However, I think it is harder for them (or less likely) to tell me to be submissive when I’m not being than telling me to not be submissive when I am being… if that makes sense. I think it does. I think that it would be better for me to submit without being prompted to, and I think that would be better and easier for them as well.

I used to think of this all wrong, I think. I viewed submitting as something to be done to me, as opposed to something I would freely give. I don’t and won’t just give it to anyone, it takes a very special person for me to truly submit to them. I can sexually submit to someone easily, but to actually submit completely and totally to the will of another is something which is much more difficult for me to do.

There is a reason why I have chosen these two people, because I love them, because they know me, because we click in some way or another, and many other reasons. But more than anything else, I think, I have chosen them because I have the desire to submit to them, to make them proud of me, to make their lives a little easier, and to be able to show the love I have for them in a very overt and obvious way.

I need to trust that they will be able to handle what I give them, and despite minor misgivings, I do. I need to trust that they will communicate with me openly and let me know when I’m doing something they don’t want me to do, or let me know if I’m doing something right. I need to trust that they will be consistent. I need to know that I’m appreciated, and that my gift is reciprocated.

I’m not to all these places yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was a year ago, and that’s something to be proud of. I’m also closer than I was a week ago, and simply by making this discovery (and the ones which are sure to follow–whatever they may be) I am closer every minute.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

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On April 15, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, Smut

I posted this a few days ago in another journal, and decided it’s necessary to post it here along with what happened after I posted it…

From redtube, so, you know, not work safe, but neither is this blog, so you should know this already.

I posted it under the title “Gimme Some of This, Please?” I don’t remember why I found it, I think I was bored and looking around redtube for something yummy, and I found this (I think by searching “bdsm anal” or something similar). I love all the elements in it, the anal, the face slapping, the asphyxia, yes please.

After posting it, Master saw it. I was on my computer and he came over with a comment about the clip and started kissing me, he climbed on top of me and took my wrists down, pinning me down against the bed as he kissed me and moved his leg between mine. I struggled slightly, playfully, grinding myself up against him.

He put his hands around my throat, then he put his hands over my mouth, pinching my nose shut. He made me struggle for breath multiple times, and I got into a wonderful headspace, submissive, horny, delighted, in need. He undressed, tugged my skirt up, and started fucking me with my ankles on his shoulders, alternating between holding my legs or holding my arms down against the bed.

He slapped my face a few times, kissed me roughly, and pinned me down against the bed. After cumming inside me I continued to grind up against him, aching for him to start fucking me again, needing that feeling of filling, and after a while of this he started fucking me again. I turned over so he was fucking me from behind and his hand curled into my hair to pull it as he fucked me.

He came inside me again, and again I continued to grind, he asked me what else I wanted, what I really wanted, and I asked him to fuck my ass. After teasing me with the idea, he got my ass ready with his fingers before slipping inside, starting to fuck my ass hard and roughly as I moaned and squealed and begged for more.

He came inside me once more, this time in my ass, and after he did I came as well, my hand on my clit and his permission in my ears. I came two more times just rubbing myself while he watched me.

It was a good good night.

That Which We Call A "Rose"…

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On April 15, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

Someone posted about being named today, and it got me thinking. I have been wanting a slavecuntpet name for quite some time now, yet Master and I have yet to find one which suits. Kat has been calling me “lotus” and “flower” which I do love, but that would be my name with her, of course. I’m wondering if she wants me to call her something, like Miss or Ma’am, though I’m more partial to Miss, or something else entirely… I was thinking about that as we were talking today, but I didn’t take the time to ask… I’ll ask her about that tomorrow.

But, my name with Master is one I would like to be able to adopt. He thought about arani, which I like but there’s something slightly off about it… not quite me, I guess. My self-chosen aliases of quadishtu and magdalena aren’t suitable either, as they do have different contexts, and we both want one which can be for him and me only, really. Cuntpet is more of a term for me than a name, as it’s my alternative to “slave.” So… where does this name come from, then? I know a lot of people say “wait, it’ll come” and that we’ll find it when we’re ready, and maybe that’s part of it, but I also want one now so that we can start working with it. Perhaps cuntpet just needs to be that for now, although that is also an alias I chose for myself, not something he chose for me.

The concept of having a name given to me, or chosen for me by my Master or Kat is one which I enjoy. It definitely creates an atmosphere of submission, without really having to do very much. It shows the hold they have over me, as they have the will and ability to change my name at any given moment. I love mental aspects of BDSM, and this is one that would fall into that category. I also believe that names hold great power, that they influence one’s life profoundly, which is also why when naming anything (generally pets) I have rules which I follow (I got this from my mother), and I make sure they always have three names, and names which fit them.

It’s finding a name with Master that’s the trouble. I’m sure he would like to name me a goddess, arani is a goddess of sexual fire, and I’m sure that’s the theme he’s wanting, but nothing seems to fit. I forget the other option, but I liked it much less than arani. I will probably just have to wait and see what we come up with, but in the meantime I want to start conditioning that switch in me to be associated with a name. However, I will just have to wait. Perhaps we need to find one in the meantime to work with, aside from cuntpet. I do enjoy cuntcake, it’s one I thought up today, hehe, but it wouldn’t be a name. Perhaps something simple, like lotus is simple and pretty and me, I love that she chose that for me. Maybe tigerlily, or simply nymph…

Any suggestions? Do any of you have names you’re called, or have you named your property something else?

Passion is the Source of Our Finest Moments

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On April 9, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Polyamory

Lots has been going on… where to start?

I’ll start with posting about Master and me. Since the last post specifically about us we have been doing a lot better. We’re in the stage we were at the end of the post still: both of us striving to prove to the other that we can do this, both of us wanting this, both of us working on it.

It’s difficult, though, with him working until 10pm, but luckily that’s only three nights a week. There has been a lot going on, as well, stress wise and emotion wise and everything, and I have a feeling we will get even better in a month, once I have less to do and we can focus more on ourselves and each other.

He has been better at making me do things when I don’t, and I have been better at remembering to do them, so it’s really a win-win situation, as I talked about before. I’ve been trying to have dinner ready when he gets home, though I’ve failed at this a little both the past two nights, but I’m working on it more. I need to look back over the list of expectations, our protocols, and our contract and commit them to better memory. I mean, I’ve mostly memorized them, but I think that I could remember them better.

I also would like to do more with our position commands, but, really, one thing at a time. One of my big things is resistance when I feel he’s pushing and I’m not ready to give whatever it happens to be he is pushing for. I have been getting better at simply giving instead of trying to control what and when I’m giving. I did this a bit the first night that we kind of got back into this, but since then… I mean, I’ve been bratty and cheeky, but not resisting completely, to make the distinction between the two.

I do know that we’ve slipped a little in the last few days, not been quite as strict, but maybe we don’t need to… I think a lot of that, too, has to do with him working until 10pm. It’s getting a lot better. I’m really excited about the new aspect to us, the new development, and despite slight slipping it really hasn’t slipped that much, or not nearly as much as the last time we determined something like this. I really feel something different within me, a realization that has changed the way I’m interacting with both Master and Kat, a clicking of a sort making me realize that I have to do a lot of the work if I really want things to happen, but the work I have to do is work that is both overt and subtle…

My other update is about Kat. I pointed her to the posts I had written and we talked things over and kind of came to the conclusion of needing to try this, needing to see if we could add D/s to our relationship. I’m honestly not sure if it will work, but we’re both willing to give it a try, and we both know that even if it doesn’t work we’ll still retain our friendship.

We’ve done little bits of things, just kind of testing the waters, this is all online, mind you. I watched her playing with the other girl in channel that I mentioned two posts ago, and I was jealous, of course, but I also liked it. I mean, I work on my jealousy, I don’t just shove it away, I like to overthink it, expose what is at the root of it, and in this case it was kind of obvious, I wanted her to toy with me like that. She mentioned that toying with her is like practice for me, since she’s still nervous. I don’t think that’s really a motivating factor in it, but I think that’s an added bonus.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m pushing this on her… I know she says I’m not, and she’s said she wants it to, but… I still can’t help but wonder. But, then, I wondered the same thing with Master, and he’s been loving it, which is what helps me to realize that this is actually what he wants. Online it’s so much easier to lie about what you’re feeling, not that I really think Kat would do that, but… it’s possible, and I’m a paranoid person, heh. I think she’d tell me if she really didn’t want to do this.

The little bit that we did today, though, I really did enjoy it, and I was glad that I enjoyed it as much as I did. I can only hope that she enjoyed it as well. She agreed that it didn’t feel wrong when I said it, and she said “we have to let go of certain stigma. I’m trying.” and I’m not sure I know exactly what that means, but I didn’t ask at the time. She said many other things which I liked, which I was happy to hear, and which should show how she’s feeling about everything, I think, but I still can’t help but wonder. When I’m pushing interactions I tend to overthink the motivation of everyone else involved, I can’t help it.

She said “I want you as you are…my wild strong lotus” and also “but you’re mine. it’s good to be queen.” Which I couldn’t help but chuckle at, but also enjoy. Really, I’ve been “whipped” by her (not literally) for quite some time. I mean, not only has she simply been possessive of me for quite some time, and I’ve been her her “therapist” (as we joked) for quite some time and also her friend and little more (other than both of us desiring more but being afraid to act on it), but I’ve always been wrapped around her little finger, and it’s been pretty obvious.

Things are looking up relationship-wise on all fronts, really. Master and I have talked about Kat and I and he doesn’t seem surprised at this turn, though he mentioned the difficulty of LDR’s, not that I really had to be reminded, I remember ours while we were apart, but it’s something to keep in mind anyway. Though, we already have the emotional connection, it’s just the D/s and the sexual we have to build now, and that may or may not be difficult. The sexual one has been there as an undercurrent for a very long time, it’s just never been acted on. The D/s is in some ways the most difficult part.

I can’t help but wonder how this will turn out, and I’m excited to find out.

My Perfect Situation

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On April 6, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, a Relationship: Kat & glen, Identity: Submissive, Polyamory

I’ve been waiting for things to get better between Master and me before jumping into anything else. However, I have been deeply craving for some sort of close relationship with a woman. I used to think that I was submissive with men and dominant with women, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore. My bdsm role has been evolving as I have been (which makes sense). I now think about being dominated by women, and a woman as mentioned previously, but also women in general. I don’t think I would want to be the top in most any relationship.

Right now what I really want (once Master and I get more set in our dynamic, I don’t believe in bringing in new people to try and set or help an existing relationship) a Domme to play with us. She would be someone which my Master would be friends with. He would have the overall say, but would allow her to do as she pleased for the most part. She would not be submissive to him, but, rather, they would be equals and they wouldn’t be sexual with each other, but they would be friendly and intimate. This would make me the center of attention, of course.

I miss being with a woman terribly, and although I love my Master I still long for something different as well. I know he cannot satisfy all of my needs as I don’t think that anyone can 100% satisfy the needs of another. I’m intensely attracted to individuals rather than genders or sexes, but, really, they do play a role as well. I’m not really interested in getting another man in my life right now. Not seriously, anyway. I would play with men, and both Master and I would love to have me playing with other men, but I don’t want to start a relationship with one (unless he’s exceptionally perfect, and even then, I’m not sure if I would want a Master and a Dom… but it would depend on who comes along).

I was hoping that Kat and I could start that relationship. I’ve been waiting for my relationship with Master to improve before delving into it, but now those ideas are discouraged. Like I mentioned last post, though, I do have the slight hope that I might be able to change her mind if I could convince her that I could be submissive to her and she would like it, but I’m not sure if that is possible, just an idea. The more I’m thinking about it, the more I’m unsure of it. I wouldn’t force anything on her, but I do want to bring up the idea of it, just not right now (we’ve talked a bit today, but I didn’t bring this up because she has other things going on, so I’ll bring it up later).

In light of the new development, however, I may start looking for someone else, as my interviewing and worthyness process takes quite a while, and by that time perhaps Master and I will be at the right stage. She has said that she would be jealous if she saw me with another person, and I think it’s because we haven’t actually done anything. I’ll admit, I’ve been jealous of how she’s been in channel with another woman, and I can’t help but wish it was me that she was toying with like that. But, at the same time, I know I couldn’t just do that, and so there is my problem.

Time is a Dressmaker Specializing in Alterations

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On April 5, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

Well, lets just say that yesterday (Friday) was worse than the day before, which I roundaboutly posted about. I won’t go into details here, but lets just say what little faith I had left in humanity (if at all) now has dissipated completely, and with little hope of coming back (at least for a while).

I didn’t, on Thursday, get what I was so desperately needing: domination. Instead, I got our usual routine. And, of course, since I didn’t get what I wanted (even though my only indication was a post–though he is supposed to read them) I was, of course, pissy. Because that’s what I do when I don’t get my way on things (very submissive of me, right? ;P ). I can’t help it, I want to be the instructional submissive like Deluze says that Severin in Venus in Furs is. I want to be leading the show even though I’m not. I want to be dominated when I want to be dominated, and not later, and definitely not not at all.

Of course, this throws a wrench in some of Master’s plans… but… well… sometimes I just need it. I do, however, need to learn how to better communicate this need. I also need to learn how to be submissive on his time, and not on my time, but… that’s hard as well. What I really want is a more stable and regular domination and submission routine. I mean, we call each other O/cp and 24/7, but we’ve been struggling. I mean, lets face it, life gets in the way of it sometimes, as well as various other things which can get in the way. This happens to all of us at one time or another, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Our problem, though, is that once it slips it’s really really really hard to gain it back.

The solution: I end up getting so fed up with the situation that I get irritable which leads to both of us pulling away, which leads to me getting insecure and upset, and ends up with me bawling and bitching about all the problems of our relationship, and that I’m not getting the domination which I so desperately crave. This sort of works, and it has slightly changed as time has gone on. I’ve been trying to get better at speaking up before I get quite to that point. I’ve been working on trying to express my desires (mostly in writing), but that doesn’t always help either. The big problem is that I end up getting to a point where I don’t want to put the effort in because I have done this many times before.

However, this time we may see more lasting effects. Friday night I was talking with Kat online, after finding out some devastating news. I wanted Master. I needed him to take me and cuddle me for a small bit and then proceed to beat and fuck me until I was in a different head space than I was thinking of the devastation which had just occurred. I’m sure he was feeling badly about it as well, but we weren’t even talking about it. We both shut down, as we are both wont to do. I lay in bed, stewing, chatting with Kat, and with the desire to go into a b.com chat room and just find someone random to dominate me. I realized how horrible that was, as my Master was not 10 feet away from me at the time.

I brought this up, and Kat and I got to talking about it. It’s been quite a while that Master and I have been working on things. At first I thought it was me, maybe this isn’t really what I want, maybe it’s a fantasy, but as I found myself seeking out domination in other areas when I was not receiving it, I realized that no, it’s not me.

One problem, though, is that I want to be dominated. I want to have no choice in the matter, either. I want to be completely overpowered by another’s will, and I want to love every second of it. He, however, doesn’t want to make it a battle all the time to get me to do things, and I don’t really want that either, but that seems to be what always happens. He wants me to submit to him, he wants me to do it automatically without him having to work for it. While a lot of me wants that too, I need to be shown that he actually can dominate me, that he can master me, and since he tends to give in a little too early to my demands, it hasn’t quite sunk in… yet.

“Mastery isn’t just telling someone what to do. It’s also creating the environment in which your submissive will do what you want even without being told. It is creating an environment in which they only have the one choice, and that is of doing what you want.” (from The Control Book by Peter Masters) This is what I want. This is what I need. An environment where I am mastered, where I have to do what I’m told or what is requested or expected of me, not just because I’m doing it, but because I have to, because the need to do so is within me.

I know the possibility of this has been here, it’s been lingering just out of reach for quite some time. We have moments, streaks of it, after one of the aforementioned blow ups, after I’ve exposed the issues of our relationship, and we have talked it over and decided to give it another go, to really try this time, to not let it go. It works wonderfully for a day or two, once up to a week, but then we get lazy again, and we start slacking off.

Well, after the blow up I had last night, within which I essentially said “I need this from you or I need to find it somewhere else” Master decided to put us in high protocol for the rest of the weekend. It has been wonderful. I had some issues Friday, but tonight has been better. I don’t think I’ve gotten pissy once tonight. I’ve been trying to follow protocol and to do as instructed when instructed, and all that good stuff that comes along with high protocol.

He’s mentioned that he really has enjoyed it thus far as well, and we just had a wonderful spanking then fucking session before I started to write this post. I feel happy and contented in a way I haven’t quite felt in a long time. I am nearly always happy and contented with him in general, but sometimes there is that nagging feeling that something isn’t right, that something is missing. But now, that’s not here anymore. I just hope it lasts. That may be a bleak statement, but this has happened before. However, I’m going to try my hardest to keep it going.

One of the most important things in this is that I feel like I need to prove something to him, to show him that we can work this way (and to prove to myself a little too). I need to show him that this is what I want and that he is what I want, so I am doing my damnedest to follow protocol and submit to him. But, not only that, he is enforcing things as well, so he is making it so that I am striving to submit to him (which makes his job easier) and he is correcting me when I make mistakes (which is making my job easier). Really it ends up being a give and take on both sides of things, it just doesn’t seem like it as much from the outside.

All power exchange is a matter of mutual give and take, mutual receptivity and instructing, regardless of the role which either partner may be inhabiting. Without both partners doing their part there is no way to move forward. And we are moving forward now, and I have a feeling this has been a turning point, more than the others, and this one will last.

Too Much Love? Never!

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On March 27, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

From What’s love got to do with it? by cunt:

“What will happen is that I’ll end up with a case of the “wifies”. Girlfriend syndrome, I’ve heard it called. A time when expectations dip into romance and tenderness, when I begin to think I deserve to be treated more as an equal than a subordinate, when I assign more importance to my needs than to his, when I expect to be courted and wooed and romanced into sex and service. When I can sit on the couch, with my feet up, and ask HIM to fetch ME something.

“A time when his requests are met with an eyeroll instead of a pleasant nod, when he’s answered with grunts or heavy sighs instead of “Yes Master”, a time when I stomp away, scowling, and thinking to myself, “what about ME, you selfish prick? I’m tired and I’m stressed and my head aches and.. and.. and.. etc. etc.! What makes YOU so special?”

What makes this so hard for him to see is because he loves me as deeply and fiercely as I love him. He doesn’t immediately see it for what it is. Instead, he lets the love, and the natural urge to please the one you love, override what should be the response of a Master. He responds as my husband, with gentleness and concern. He babies me, pets me.”

I think this is our problem as well, and it’s not a bad problem to have in some ways, I mean, I love that he loves me and we have this connection and he understands when I have a lot of things to do, and he understands when I’m stressed, and he understands that school comes first, even before him. But, soon that will be over, and I won’t have school at all, and I will be able to devote most of my time to him, and the rest of my time to work. This is something I’m highly looking forward to, and I think it will change our dynamic.

Also we are going to have our house to ourselves and only ourselves, we are going to have a different bedroom and a different energy again, we will have a completely new and different situation, and we are going to go on vacation for three weeks which we can devote to each other.

We loved each other before we were O/cp, really. We came upon our love unexpectedly, both of us just looking for a friend with benefits, someone to fuck and pass the time with, someone who we were extremely sexually compatible with, and we found each other, and we are extremely sexually compatible. We were all about kinky sex more than the Owner/cuntpet relationship, though both of us wanted that, or I wanted that, and I’m not sure what he wanted, but he knew what I wanted, what I’ve craved, and he agreed with my descriptions of my desires, so that’s something. We weren’t really O/cp until long after I moved here.

I would get moody and irritated because we wouldn’t do anything, but it was nice, also, we were learning to get along with the vanilla aspects of each other, and I was learning to trust him again after what happened while we were apart. My trust in him was built and broken a few times during that period, but mostly broken due to my own insecurities and pushing away of him. We learned how to navigate each other, though not completely, but I don’t think that anyone can learn to 100% navigate someone else, because we’re constantly changing and so is the way to navigate us. However, it was a very useful time.

About a year ago I started really pushing for our work as Master and slave (or, now as I refer to it our Owner and cuntpet relationship), I wrote up our contract and we talked about it a lot. We’ve been struggling along ever since. This has been a slow process for us, juggling our love and our feminism and our O/cp and my school and his work and our roommates and our lives in general. Nothing is perfect, but we are working on it, and that’s what’s important. I need to learn how to initiate my submission, which is difficult for me, and he needs to learn how to initiate his Dominance, which is difficult for him. We end up stumbling through it every so often, but it doesn’t always work.

I desperately want to do more work on us, have us do more work on our O/cp relationship, have us work harder on it and on what we want. Once our roommates move out completely and I clean the house and we can keep it clean easier, and I graduate, and we move our bedroom, and we change things around, and we go to Europe, and I get a new job, THEN we can devote ourselves 100%. For now, I’m realizing, we really do not have the time to devote. And that’s fine, as long as we find it eventually. I’m realizing just how much we can actually do vs. how much I want us to do, and trying to realize the balance. I still expect to be fucked, and I still want to be dominated more frequently, but I won’t expect it to be perfect or to be closer to 100% until after we figure out other things.

Fucking, Finally

By

On March 22, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, Smut

He started new hours at his job this week, so there was very little fucking, as he would come home at 10pm and we would watch a couple episodes of Dexter and then crash (I was getting up at 6:30 and crazy hours like that, so we were both very tired). I’ve been aching for some fucking all week. I got Friday off to be with him (his new job gives him a three-day weekend, lucky bastard), and although that was kind of sucked up by a side project we ended up going to dinner and then to the liquor store and home.

We watched more Dexter (second season) and had some delicious drinks. At one point we started kissing, which led to fondling and grinding, which lead to him fucking me, first on the couch, then with me kneeling on the couch, then with me leaning over the arm of the couch (far superior). It was good. I wanted him to pull my hair, though, and he never did. It’s been getting longer and longer and he keeps neglecting it. *pout*

After that we… you got it… watched more Dexter, until about 4 in the morning at which time we headed downstairs, at my reluctance. I decided the only reason why I would be going downstairs when I wanted to watch more Dexter is so that he could fuck me. I told him this, and he said he assumed that might happen. He knows me too well.

He slid his fingers in me and began finger fucking me softly, then harder, moving his fingers to my clit, which usually gets me off quickly. I hadn’t cum upstairs, but he came twice, once in me and then once on my face and in my mouth. He rubbed my clit until I came and then moved above me and slid inside. He pounded my cunt nice and deep that way for a while, while doing various delicious things like putting his hands around my neck and taking my wrists in his hands and pinning me against the bed. He came like that, inside of me while pinning me down.

We rested for a few moments before starting to buck and grind against each other again. If we do this soon enough after he’s cum he can usually cum again, which is what happened upstairs as well. We fucked a little more, and I turned over so he was fucking me from behind, like a whore, and so he said. I always love being fucked from behind. He came again, the fourth time that night, and had to lie down he said the room was spinning. I’m just that good. ;P

We drifted to sleep, and before we did I asked him if he would wake me up with an assfucking in the morning. He told me he could do that.

I woke up first, and after going to the bathroom I lay back down and started stroking him. Once I got him hard he slid into me while we were both on our sides, fucked me like that a bit, then we shifted so he was fucking me like a whore again (by which I mean doggy-style of course). While doing that he started lubing my backdoor with his spit, sliding his finger in it, getting it nice and ready for his cock. Once it was sufficiently wet he slid me to the edge of the bed so he could stand while fucking my ass and slid inside. It went in easily the second time, after a little more spit and fingering was applied, and he began fucking my ass nice and hard and fast. I was in anal heaven.

We groaned and moaned dirty nothings to each other, calling me names and wonderful things like that. I can always tell when he’s about to cum, he makes slightly different noises, his thrusts get a little more frantic, and I always beg him to cum in me when he gets close, and usually he does nearly right after. I love the feeling of him just thrusting deep within me and being able to feel his cock twitching and spurting inside of me (yes, I’m on birth control, the ring, 99.9% effective and we’ve done all the other necessary precautions).

I continued to rub my clit after he came inside me and ended up cumming not too long after he had, with his cock still buried in my ass, I’m such a little ass whore. I love it. We collapsed on the bed, my finger still on my trigger, and we kissed and whispered “I love you” as I continued to rub. I came twice more (asking permission every time I had, of course), before stopping.

It Has Arrived

By

On March 20, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

In other, better, news, I got my new collar today. The one I posted about back here. It is gorgeous! It’s smaller than I was expecting, kind of delicate while also being bondage-y, so it’s kind of fucking rad. The V- and O-ring combo, too, is smaller than on any of my other collars (not only the ones given to me by Master, but also the ones I bought for myself to wear as a goth chick). It’s so pretty. I’ll take pictures once I take a shower. I must not have gotten all the conditioner out of my hair when I showered, because my bangs look weird now. That’s beside the point.

Technically the collar got here yesterday, but I didn’t check the mail once I got home, and he didn’t check the mail when he got home, and the mail had not come when i got home, so we missed it until this morning. I got it after missing the bus. I told him he had a package, and he opened it and we realized it wasn’t for him, but for me! He wouldn’t let me have it until he got home from work, though. So I went to work disgruntled, but also pleased that he would set that restriction.

When I got home I took it from the box and plastic packaging and took it downstairs. I tried it on briefly, to make sure it fit and that I didn’t have to make another hole for it, and it fits perfectly on the last slot. It even has about 3″ of extra leather, which is rare, so if I do discover I need it out a little more I can easily do so. I have my awl and everything, though a leather puncher would be better, and I’ll have that soon too!

When he got home he noticed that it was not upstairs where he left it, and reminded me I wasn’t to have it until he got home. I had it behind me on the bed when I was kneeling to greet him (as I do when he comes home), so that we could have it accessible. I told him what I had done and he teasingly told me that I’d have to wait a week until I could have it, but soon recanted that and put it on me. It’s gorgeous.

Oh, hell, I’ll post the picture one more time, because I love it.

More and More

By

On March 20, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

I’ve been feeling really off lately, and through talking with Kat I’ve realized some of why. I also just started bleeding today, so that probably has something to do with it. She asked me if I was questioning my submission again, and I haven’t been. I’ve gotten pretty firm in that, and I’ve been playing around a bit online with people because I’m craving the submission and I’m not getting it here.

Instead of questioning my submission I’ve kind of moved on to questioning our connection. Not our relationship connection, but our BDSM one. I’m not sure if I’m just making too much out of this, maybe. But whenever I bring stuff like this up we always talk about it, and we confess things, but then we get to a point of “we’ll try harder” and “it’ll be better once we live alone.” I mean, sometimes we implement things, like him giving me the list of protocols or the list of household duties, or me making up the position commands, but how much do we actually do of all that, very very little. We’ve been alone all this week, and we haven’t even had sex. I’m wanting him to make the move, I’m sick of being the only one who initiates. But, we’ve been tired and this has been his first week with his 12 hour shifts, so I know that’s part of it…

We’ll see what happens tonight and tomorrow, and maybe things will change, and this past week will just have been because of both of us being tired and him working a lot, and we’ll get to a place where we are comfortable, but I somehow doubt it. This is definitely not all his fault, of course. I mean, there are many times when I overreact to him sometimes, and I get pouty and strange, but sometimes I just want him to fucking dominate me, just overpower me with his will, instead of me putting his will first I want him to make me put his will first. I try on my own, but… it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I need him to show me the way.

This is true for him too, though, and I know it. I want us to get to the point where we reach our potential. I think we could be awesome, and it could work perfectly. But perhaps what we want is too different. But, also, I’m not sure if he knows what he wants. I’m not sure if I know what I want all the time, either. I mean… I think he wants me to just be submissive to him, but I want him to dominate me sometimes, if that makes sense, make it mandatory, instead of something I just do.

The thing is, too, he won’t chastise me when I do things wrong. Or, when he does, he gets all cold and distant, and I hate that. He says he’s not cold and distant, that he’s just being expectant or something depending on what it is that’s going on, but there’s this look… like he doesn’t know how to dominate without shutting part of himself off. Maybe I’m just interpreting it wrong, I don’t know, but that’s how I feel.

I’m worried that I’m trying to make a Master out of a Top. Something I’ve been worried about for a long while, and maybe that’s what it comes down to. This is not his idea of what he wants, and I’m trying to force it on him. I say that, but he tells me that I’m not forcing it, that it’s what he wants too, but I don’t see it. I’m sure he doesn’t see it from me that much either, though. I’m not trying to make this all about him, but sometimes that’s all I can find to talk about, not that I don’t have fault in this as well, just that, well, it’s easier to talk about my issues with him than my issues. My trouble is that I’ll want something, but not want to say it right out, and then he’ll do it days later and I’ll be so ticked off that he hasn’t done it that I won’t respond right.

Maybe this is all just too fucked up. Kat says that if he really wanted to, he could learn how to be a Master. And, I do think that he wants to, he just… doesn’t want to put the effort in? Or, doesn’t have time to put the effort in? I don’t really want to, either, so I don’t fault him for that too much, except I have been putting effort in, I have been trying to encourage change that doesn’t seem to stick. That’s part of the problem, too, part of me just wants to give up.

He’s so oblivious sometimes I just want to smack him upside the head. Kat also said that I should go overboard with the subbyness in order to get him to feel more Domly. I think this would work, and I think it would work well, and he’s said that would help too, and… I don’t know, I feel like whenever I’ve tried he’s just brushed it off as if it wasn’t a big thing, but I want recognition when I do good things, just as when I do bad ones, and I don’t get either unless he’s looking for it. I feel like even if I were to do that, it wouldn’t matter, so I haven’t really tried. So, maybe that’s what I have to do. It’s difficult for me to submit without provocation. It’s hard for me to submit without being Dominated, but perhaps I just need to push past that and my pushing past my block will also help him push past his block.

But… if this doesn’t work, I think I would be devastated.

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