It's Difficult to Write about Sex

…when you’re not having it and not feeling sexy.

You may have noticed I’ve taken some time off. Perhaps it wasn’t too noticeable, though, since I still posted a bit and it really hasn’t been that long since I last posted. However, the content of my posts lately has been a lot of me re-posting others’ ideas/works/announcements. That’s what I mean by taking a break… which is strange in and of itself.

The reason for this largely has to do with my current situation both financial and romantic. First thing’s first: I need a job. And although I’ve been applying at many places and trying to get a job it is difficult also because I’m not prepared or willing to sacrifice myself for my job, and getting a job with my appearance here in Utah is not exactly easy. But, this is really a whole seperate issue than (though tied in with) the larger reason for the break.

Dominus and I have been having issues. Some of it has to do with what I wrote a week ago, about my own fears of his leaving me. But, in reality, it has to do with his fears of the same subject. I have changed rather dramatically in the last few months, including embracing aspects of myself such as my Domina personae, which he cannot really touch or interact with on much of a level.

I mean, I’ve always Topped him a little bit, but he’s always been my Dominant, if that makes sense. I have always teased him and I’ve fucked his ass, and things like that, but I’ve never Dominated him, and I don’t have the desire to dominate him. This is a semantic difference, obviously, but it’s a big one. I enjoy Topping him at times, but he’s always the Dominant in the situation even if I’m the Top.

One big problem with our sexuality is that our sex is becoming more and more straight. This bothers me, as, despite the fact that Dominus and my relationship is heterosexual we are far from straight. The sex we had when we first got together is worlds apart from the sex we have now. It’s hard to explain the difference, and I’m not even sure if I could if I tried, but there are different things which go into straight sex and queer sex, and we have not been having queer sex even though we have before.

We talked a lot these last few days that we’ve been communicating a lot about the issues, we talked about lack of time and energy and we talked a lot about sex. We both are not satisfied with where we are right now, and we are going to change it. One big issue is that he will never be able to fulfill me completely. I don’t mean this in a negative way, and I don’t expect to be able to fulfill him completely either. We come close to it, but I also think with poly-wired people such as ourselves it’s nearly impossible to be fulfilled 100% by one other person.

How much I am fulfilled is also directly proportionate to our sex life, as well. I have an extremely high sex drive, and in some ways being on orgasm restriction like I have been is not conducive to our sex life. One would imagine that orgasm restriction would make me want sex more often, but the opposite seems to be true. Rather, the more sex I have the more I want to have, so putting me on restriction or going days without sex just makes me desire it less rather than more. It’s strange, but that’s the way I work. Also, because he has allowed me to orgasm on my own while trying out my toys to review, I have gotten used to getting myself off and him not getting me off.

The biggest issue for him pulling away from me is my Domina and queer desires, which he doesn’t seem to fit into, and thus since I have been focusing heavily on those sides for the last few months it has seemed, in some ways, as a rejection of us. I can completely understand that, though it was far from my intention. We’ve talked about it a little bit over the last few months as well, but never to the point of resolving anything satisfactorily.

One of the wonderful things about The Leather Daddy and the Femme and why I’ve attached myself to it so fiercely, is that it depicts a heterosexual relationship much like my own and also with many differences, but it depicts a very queer heterosexual relationship, and that’s the kind of relationship I desire. Our relationship was much more queer in the beginning, and has been slipping toward something far more straight, and a lot of that is because of where we live. Salt Lake City isn’t exactly conductive to queer heterosexuals.

So, we’ve talked. Ad nauseam, really. Slowly we’ve gotten past the surface issues to those which have been really bothering us. I haven’t had as much attraction to him sexually because we’re getting away from queer sex, and I don’t do straight sex, I just don’t. I finally have understood where that has been coming from, and he (I hope) has gotten to understand where he is coming from in all his fears as well, and we’ve come to a greater place of understanding and the desire to work on this together.

The wonderful thing about our relationship is that neither of us is willing to give up on it. We both are dedicated to it as well as to each other, which means that even though we have rough patches (as every relationship should, really), we always get through them and are stronger for them. It’s perfect, really. No relationship that is worth having is easy.