Kat and I were talking the other night, as I mentioned in my last post, and, well… some interesting, crucial, and rather disappointing information was brought to my attention. I haven’t really talked about mine and Kat’s background and friendship, so I figure it’s about time. Kat and I have known each other online for about two years, maybe almost three by now, I’m not entirely sure, though I could probably find out, but the length isn’t exactly what matters.

When we first met, she thought she was submissive. I watched her go through a few relationships until she found glen. At first they were M/f, and it was the first relationship I saw her in that I knew just felt right, all the others, well, they were good, for the most part, but they didn’t seem to click the same easy way as she and glen did. They were wonderful together, they knew it and I knew it. A few months into their relationship, they decided to experiment, as Kat as a submissive wasn’t going as well as they’d hoped. She dominated him, and they ended up loving it, and switching roles. Now, they have been F/m for quite some time, and they are both happier. Kat, especially, is so much less volatile and irritable than when we first met. It’s like they center each other, and they are so good together.

What does this have to do with Kat and me? Well, not a lot directly, though Kat, a friend of hers, Master, and I are going to all go to England in about a month (May 10th). Master and I are going to meet Kat for the first time, and we all are going to England to meet glen for the first time. It is going to be amazing.

Kat and I have been attracted to each other for quite a while, and glen has always been comfortable with us together (they have been exploring poly as well in general, but that is another topic), and Master and I are poly and he knows how much I care for her as well. We have talked extensively about how there’s pretty much no way that we won’t at least kiss, and probably do more than that, when we meet and in England. I’m all about it.

We have never done anything past snuggling and kissing, however, not online that is, as that’s the only medium we have. Neither of us really do much online, but we have toyed with the idea of scening with one another (that is, basically, having cyber sex only in a better term). We have talked, as well, about D/s and our relationship. It hasn’t been that much of a thing until the other night.

One time when I was on molly I was online and told her I loved her and wanted her to dominate me the next day. Later, when she was online and on vicodin for an infection she had, she professed love and we did a small amount of fooling around, a little more than our usual. It seems that we need drugs in order for us to get anywhere sexually, heh. I think this is because we both have the worry that we will ruin our friendship if we go anything beyond what we already are, but we are growing distant from each other at the same time, both of us wanting more, but not able to bring ourselves to do so.

As for the D/s part, often when it comes up she will say something like “do you really think of me that way?” or “would you really want me to dominate you?” My answer is always “yes!” or some variation thereof. I’ve thought of her more and more that way since they switched. Honestly, I wasn’t very attracted to her when she was a sub like me, I’m not much of a switch, and I’m not much of a fan of simply vanilla, so I prefer my partners dominant and kinky.

She said something the other night, though, we were talking about us again, our relationship in general, and we were talking about me a lot as well. This was the night before Master and I started to work things out. I was talking with her about my issues with him and what was going on. I was thinking a lot about what would help me get the domination I crave, and I mentioned that maybe if I was more submissive acting generally I would get domination more, from both her and him. She replied in a usual way: “but would you really want to submit to me?”

I asked her why she thought I wouldn’t, and she went on: “because we’d maybe not be able to act that way toward eachother because we know eachother too well… I mean you, in a lot of ways, are way more “dominant” than me…I come to you for advice and to pull me out of my own brain… in a lot of ways I feel you are like the parent and I’m the child. I feel like I can’t dominate you because you take care of me and are more mature than me” (these are a few different lines kind of strung together). I was shocked.

I mean, on one hand it makes sense, and I think this is my problem in a lot of ways in general: I have this tight control freak way about me. Friends who I come out to as submissive usually say something like “I thought you would be a Domme.” I think this was the problem with me and Master for quite some time, as well. I simply don’t act like a submissive. I really don’t. I am strong willed, feisty, sarcastic, and I don’t back down or give in easily. I really don’t have a submissive personality, but I crave domination. This can make things quite difficult.

I’m rather disappointed, really. I can’t help but wonder if she saw me as submissive, if I started acting submissive toward her, if that would help or change her mind. She also said “I think I’d have to be vanilla with you really.” I’m still thinking and obsessing over this. We haven’t really been able to talk about it since then, either, we haven’t been online at the same time. I don’t know if I would want to be vanilla with her. I really do see her as a Domme now, and I know how amazing she is, and I want her to dominate me. I’ve wanted this for quite a while, really, but I’m just so horrible at asking.

I just wonder if she could ever see me as submissive, since she doesn’t now. The thing to do right now, I think, is to talk to her about it. I don’t know how I feel about us being vanilla, but if we can’t be D/s, then I don’t know. There’s a disconnect here, and we need to fix it, and maybe that is what has been driving us apart lately as well. She’s known that I want her to dominate me, though I don’t know how much she has believed it. I’ve known she’s had a reluctance to it. Perhaps it’s just not meant to happen this way. I’m sure I’ll talk more about this later.