taiWelcome! I’m Tai Scarlet Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and prefer the pronouns ne/nem/nir or they/them. I spend a lot of my time thinking about sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, erotic psychology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
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05.21

2008

I'm Veruca Salt: I Want It Now!

I feel I need to make a few clarifications to my last post. I think it came out as a lot harsher than I meant it. I pointed Master to it last night and mentioned that I thought it might come off a little stronger than I meant it, and he said that it was pretty harsh. It was really just unrestrained pouring of the situation onto the screen and I realized afterward reading it over again that it was a little too blunt and came off as really blunt, harsh, and worse than I meant it.

I end up writing things a bit stronger or exaggerated than they actually are sometimes, because I build things up in my head, it’s just the way I do things. I over-analyze and often tend to blow things out of proportion in my head while I’m in the middle of analyzing and figuring them out, and I often write about things from the middle of that analyzation and they end up coming off a lot more strongly than I actually think about them or more strongly than they actually are… if that makes sense.

While everything I wrote was true to an extent, it is also not true at all times, but are things which I struggle with and I’m trying to work through and figure out for myself. Not everything I said about him, specifically disappointment, are true all the time. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in many cases, but these are things which we have talked about and which are better than they were a year ago, a month ago, and even a week ago. We do talk about things, and my writing here is a catalyst for the beginning of those conversations, which is part of the reason why I write in here.

Things are not quite as bad as I sometimes make them out to be. We are moving forward, we are talking about things, we are changing. We’re constantly in a state of figuring out what works still, as both of us have all sorts of hangups that we are working through. But, we definitely are moving forward. We are worlds away from where we were (nearly) two years ago when I moved to be with him. We are also far from where we were even just last week. Every week, every day, brings us closer to the way we want to be.

After the post we had a very long talk about everything. We came to some wonderful conclusions, including acknowledging the efforts each of us has been putting in. I say a lot that he’s not meeting my standards, not living up to my expectations, but only because I have unreasonable expectations. I’m Veruca Salt, really. I want the world, and I want it now! I’m the queen of instant gratification, and I want us to be the way I know we will be one day right NOW! This is not to say that I don’t appreciate the changes both he and I have made over the years, nor do I not acknowledge that we are much closer to our goal than we were before, but I do sometimes get frustrated that we are not as far as I would like us to be.

We both have a lot of hang ups, emotional blocks, and things that each of us has to work through and work with and figure out. We have gotten through many of them already, but there are still many more to go. The most important thing is that we are both dedicated to making us work. I have thought about leaving, but I would never bring myself to do that. Thoughts of leaving a difficult situation are normal, really, and they have crossed my mind from time to time, but only in the depths of my own paranoia and crazyness.

I love this man more than anything, and I am devoted to him, even if I have doubts, or find him annoying at times, and even when he doesn’t do exactly what I want him to do. Though, that’s part of my problem that I’m working on. I need to be submissive on his terms, not on my terms. I need to give up my ideas of what a situation should be like and focus on what it is, and focus on him rather than me. I need to have faith, like glen said. It’s difficult when I know lots of times he doesn’t think about things the same way I do, and it’s been difficult to have faith when I know that quite often he lets things slide and he defaults to vanilla, but he’s working on that, and I’m working on having less expectations, and we’re both working on communicating more.

More later, I have lots more to write.

The Same, but Different

Some of you may not know, but I am currently on vacation, or “holiday” as they say over where I last was. We were in England for five days, Stansted for a day and then Brighton, which was where we met Kat and glen. Brighton was amazing. Now we are in Norway, Stavanger specifically, which is where Master grew up. There will be more of an update on the vanilla stuff in my regular journal soon, once I have the time to sit down and go through everything.

There has been a lot going on inside me as far as Master and Kat and glen. I find myself wanting exactly what I posted before about my ideal situation. I can’t imagine my life without any of them in it, and on that far off day when they are able to live together I hope that we will be able to live next door to them, or at least very close. I’m sure we can all pull it off.

I had a fit on I think it was Tuesday night. We had all been drinking, and I had on my wireless remote-controlled vibrator, which Master had been teasing me with all night. I had gotten used to it, but it was still annoying. Outside Kat pulled my hair and I turned into mush, but I didn’t want to show it, though I’m sure I did a little because I was drunk. When I was in the bathroom Master passed on the remote to Kat, which I didn’t know about. When I came back glen said a few things regarding not being mean to me, which I didn’t quite get, until I found out she had the remote.

When it was uncovered, when she handed it back to Master, I realized I would have acted differently if I had known she had it. This sent me into questioning why I would have acted differently, and I realized that I felt more submissive to her than I do to my own Master. I know part of that is that she is now off limits, in some ways, she’s someone I want but can’t have the way I would like, and that makes it all the more painful not to have her. The thing is, I really would rather them be together than she be with me, because I know and have known for quite some time that they are simply perfect together, and the trip just emphasized that. I have no desire to come between them, but I do still have these desires and I’m working on that.

I have a lot of issues with being with Master, a lot of heterosexual guilt for one thing, but also a lot of mistrust of him. I shut down that night, and they gave me all sorts of attention which in one way made it worse, but glen was the best that night. He said the most perfect things to me in the hallway, and things which I know but things I haven’t embraced fully. I’m wondering if I am able to with Master. It’s a matter of knowing that I’m smarter than him in some ways, though not in others too, and also knowing that if I’m stubborn enough I can usually get my way, and knowing that he will forget things that he’s said or not pay attention to the details of things when I will. I know he will disappoint me, or, I anticipate it, and I really shouldn’t.

Part of the reason, too, why I’ve come to desire Kat so much is that I know she is an extremely mental Dominant, and that is what I crave. I can’t be mentally dominated by someone who I expect to disappoint me, and I know that, and I’m working on getting out of that mentality, but it’s difficult. I am better than I was a year ago, I’m even better than I was last week, I think, but at the same time he will have to work on things. Consistency is something which I need badly, and it’s something that I haven’t really gotten, but I’ve expressed this to him before, and nothing seems to change.

I wonder if I’m expecting too much, and maybe that’s my problem, along with the disappointment thing. I’m expecting too much from him and when he doesn’t deliver I get upset and depressed and it’s harder for me to submit to him. I know now that I crave domination, I just need to actually feel dominated, and he doesn’t really do that, but part of that is my fault, because I won’t let him dominate me. It’s a two-way street as I’ve mentioned in other posts. He needs to take control, he needs to make me do things, but I also need to give him that control and I need to do the things he tells me to.

We’ve gotten better, in some ways, just in the last week. He’s calling me scarlet more, and I love when he calls me scarlet. I actually do things when he calls me scarlet, too, which is something I think he’s realizing. I know it means business when he calls me that, I guess, or something like that. I have been trying to have faith, like glen says, I’m trying to put myself in the mindset that he needs my help, my submission.

I have been trying to view myself in the ways that I have outlined in this blog, which I have believed or wanted but not actually put myself into that position. I have been thinking of myself as his personal assistant, and I’m needing to mention this to him as well, as I think it would help him in having me do things for him, which is difficult for him in some ways. I’m his personal assistant, his fucktoy, his bratty/sassy cunt, and his precious pet. This is basically what I said back in my first post about owner/cuntpet, and something I’ve embraced but also not quite taken to heart, and also something I have a slightly different perspective on now. I’ve got much more to say about all this, but that’s for another post.

All Good Things Got to Come to an End

I’ve been putting off writing about this until my finals were done, and then I was going to post about it yesterday, but it was just so hectic that it didn’t happen. Better late than never, really, and this is something I need to post about (and something a couple of you involved are probably waiting for).

The way I generally process emotions and reactions to things is through blogging/writing about them, and I know I haven’t quite yet processed everything regarding this.

Kat, essentially, broke up with me, in laments terms. I mean, we weren’t really “going out” but we were exploring D/s in regarding to our relationship, so it’s kind of fitting, but kind of not. She and glen had long talks about poly and monogamy and what he wanted vs. what she wanted and all that good stuff, and she came to the conclusion that she needs to be just with him. It will be better for both of them, and I completely agree and understand that. That’s not to say I’m not disappointed, which I am.

I’m not angry, just a little saddened and disappointed, but I know that, ultimately, this is the best decision for them and it is what they need to do right now. I don’t believe that this will affect our friendship, though I may be a little stand-offish for a bit while I get used to the new boundaries that surround us. I know that we can still kiss and flirt and snuggle, that we have always done, but there will be no more possession of me, no more calling me her flower or her lotus, no more hand gripping my hair, and no more of me showing her my submission.

I had gotten quite comfortable and used to being submissive to her, and I was really enjoying it. I mean, really enjoying it. I was all caught up with NRE like crazy. I’m not saying this to make anyone feel guilty, and I hope I’m not. I really do think this was the best decision to be made, I’m just not completely happy about it for my own sake. For their sake, I think it’s wonderful, and I have always valued their relationship above mine with Kat, as they are so perfect and wonderful together, and they are primaries, while we were secondaries.

I really want to stress that I’m not mad or upset or even that I don’t understand why they did it. I am really fine with the decision, and I think it is for the best. I really wasn’t surprised by the decision, either. I wasn’t expecting this to work like this for very long. I am glad that they are doing what is necessary for their relationship, as I want their relationship to work as much if not more than they do. I know what it has done for both of them, and I wouldn’t want to come between that.

I had said sometime the week before that if they needed me to stop, if they needed us to stop, then I would gladly (though not happily) back away and return to friendship mode. And that is very true, and that is what I have done. I know that Kat would like to continue our explorations, at least that’s what she says, and about 99% of me believes her, but that little paranoid voice in the back of my head does not. That’s not to say I don’t believe her, just… I’m very paranoid when it comes to interpersonal anything, which is why I generally avoid it.

I am glad to back away because it is the best thing for their relationship. I am sad and disappointed to back away because I was really enjoying the little subtle differences within our relationship. I am not going to let this affect our friendship, and I don’t think it will or it should. I still love her, in any way that I can get her, and I’ve been wrapped around her little finger from the first time we met, really. I’m sure nothing will really change, just the D/s subtleties will no longer be there, and we will go back to how we were before. However, we are closer than we were before. We were drifting apart before we tried this, and it has helped us immensely. It has helped us, and I’m happy for that.

My Perfect Situation

I’ve been waiting for things to get better between Master and me before jumping into anything else. However, I have been deeply craving for some sort of close relationship with a woman. I used to think that I was submissive with men and dominant with women, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore. My bdsm role has been evolving as I have been (which makes sense). I now think about being dominated by women, and a woman as mentioned previously, but also women in general. I don’t think I would want to be the top in most any relationship.

Right now what I really want (once Master and I get more set in our dynamic, I don’t believe in bringing in new people to try and set or help an existing relationship) a Domme to play with us. She would be someone which my Master would be friends with. He would have the overall say, but would allow her to do as she pleased for the most part. She would not be submissive to him, but, rather, they would be equals and they wouldn’t be sexual with each other, but they would be friendly and intimate. This would make me the center of attention, of course.

I miss being with a woman terribly, and although I love my Master I still long for something different as well. I know he cannot satisfy all of my needs as I don’t think that anyone can 100% satisfy the needs of another. I’m intensely attracted to individuals rather than genders or sexes, but, really, they do play a role as well. I’m not really interested in getting another man in my life right now. Not seriously, anyway. I would play with men, and both Master and I would love to have me playing with other men, but I don’t want to start a relationship with one (unless he’s exceptionally perfect, and even then, I’m not sure if I would want a Master and a Dom… but it would depend on who comes along).

I was hoping that Kat and I could start that relationship. I’ve been waiting for my relationship with Master to improve before delving into it, but now those ideas are discouraged. Like I mentioned last post, though, I do have the slight hope that I might be able to change her mind if I could convince her that I could be submissive to her and she would like it, but I’m not sure if that is possible, just an idea. The more I’m thinking about it, the more I’m unsure of it. I wouldn’t force anything on her, but I do want to bring up the idea of it, just not right now (we’ve talked a bit today, but I didn’t bring this up because she has other things going on, so I’ll bring it up later).

In light of the new development, however, I may start looking for someone else, as my interviewing and worthyness process takes quite a while, and by that time perhaps Master and I will be at the right stage. She has said that she would be jealous if she saw me with another person, and I think it’s because we haven’t actually done anything. I’ll admit, I’ve been jealous of how she’s been in channel with another woman, and I can’t help but wish it was me that she was toying with like that. But, at the same time, I know I couldn’t just do that, and so there is my problem.

04.05

2008

Time is a Dressmaker Specializing in Alterations

Well, lets just say that yesterday (Friday) was worse than the day before, which I roundaboutly posted about. I won’t go into details here, but lets just say what little faith I had left in humanity (if at all) now has dissipated completely, and with little hope of coming back (at least for a while).

I didn’t, on Thursday, get what I was so desperately needing: domination. Instead, I got our usual routine. And, of course, since I didn’t get what I wanted (even though my only indication was a post–though he is supposed to read them) I was, of course, pissy. Because that’s what I do when I don’t get my way on things (very submissive of me, right? ;P ). I can’t help it, I want to be the instructional submissive like Deluze says that Severin in Venus in Furs is. I want to be leading the show even though I’m not. I want to be dominated when I want to be dominated, and not later, and definitely not not at all.

Of course, this throws a wrench in some of Master’s plans… but… well… sometimes I just need it. I do, however, need to learn how to better communicate this need. I also need to learn how to be submissive on his time, and not on my time, but… that’s hard as well. What I really want is a more stable and regular domination and submission routine. I mean, we call each other O/cp and 24/7, but we’ve been struggling. I mean, lets face it, life gets in the way of it sometimes, as well as various other things which can get in the way. This happens to all of us at one time or another, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Our problem, though, is that once it slips it’s really really really hard to gain it back.

The solution: I end up getting so fed up with the situation that I get irritable which leads to both of us pulling away, which leads to me getting insecure and upset, and ends up with me bawling and bitching about all the problems of our relationship, and that I’m not getting the domination which I so desperately crave. This sort of works, and it has slightly changed as time has gone on. I’ve been trying to get better at speaking up before I get quite to that point. I’ve been working on trying to express my desires (mostly in writing), but that doesn’t always help either. The big problem is that I end up getting to a point where I don’t want to put the effort in because I have done this many times before.

However, this time we may see more lasting effects. Friday night I was talking with Kat online, after finding out some devastating news. I wanted Master. I needed him to take me and cuddle me for a small bit and then proceed to beat and fuck me until I was in a different head space than I was thinking of the devastation which had just occurred. I’m sure he was feeling badly about it as well, but we weren’t even talking about it. We both shut down, as we are both wont to do. I lay in bed, stewing, chatting with Kat, and with the desire to go into a b.com chat room and just find someone random to dominate me. I realized how horrible that was, as my Master was not 10 feet away from me at the time.

I brought this up, and Kat and I got to talking about it. It’s been quite a while that Master and I have been working on things. At first I thought it was me, maybe this isn’t really what I want, maybe it’s a fantasy, but as I found myself seeking out domination in other areas when I was not receiving it, I realized that no, it’s not me.

One problem, though, is that I want to be dominated. I want to have no choice in the matter, either. I want to be completely overpowered by another’s will, and I want to love every second of it. He, however, doesn’t want to make it a battle all the time to get me to do things, and I don’t really want that either, but that seems to be what always happens. He wants me to submit to him, he wants me to do it automatically without him having to work for it. While a lot of me wants that too, I need to be shown that he actually can dominate me, that he can master me, and since he tends to give in a little too early to my demands, it hasn’t quite sunk in… yet.

“Mastery isn’t just telling someone what to do. It’s also creating the environment in which your submissive will do what you want even without being told. It is creating an environment in which they only have the one choice, and that is of doing what you want.” (from The Control Book by Peter Masters) This is what I want. This is what I need. An environment where I am mastered, where I have to do what I’m told or what is requested or expected of me, not just because I’m doing it, but because I have to, because the need to do so is within me.

I know the possibility of this has been here, it’s been lingering just out of reach for quite some time. We have moments, streaks of it, after one of the aforementioned blow ups, after I’ve exposed the issues of our relationship, and we have talked it over and decided to give it another go, to really try this time, to not let it go. It works wonderfully for a day or two, once up to a week, but then we get lazy again, and we start slacking off.

Well, after the blow up I had last night, within which I essentially said “I need this from you or I need to find it somewhere else” Master decided to put us in high protocol for the rest of the weekend. It has been wonderful. I had some issues Friday, but tonight has been better. I don’t think I’ve gotten pissy once tonight. I’ve been trying to follow protocol and to do as instructed when instructed, and all that good stuff that comes along with high protocol.

He’s mentioned that he really has enjoyed it thus far as well, and we just had a wonderful spanking then fucking session before I started to write this post. I feel happy and contented in a way I haven’t quite felt in a long time. I am nearly always happy and contented with him in general, but sometimes there is that nagging feeling that something isn’t right, that something is missing. But now, that’s not here anymore. I just hope it lasts. That may be a bleak statement, but this has happened before. However, I’m going to try my hardest to keep it going.

One of the most important things in this is that I feel like I need to prove something to him, to show him that we can work this way (and to prove to myself a little too). I need to show him that this is what I want and that he is what I want, so I am doing my damnedest to follow protocol and submit to him. But, not only that, he is enforcing things as well, so he is making it so that I am striving to submit to him (which makes his job easier) and he is correcting me when I make mistakes (which is making my job easier). Really it ends up being a give and take on both sides of things, it just doesn’t seem like it as much from the outside.

All power exchange is a matter of mutual give and take, mutual receptivity and instructing, regardless of the role which either partner may be inhabiting. Without both partners doing their part there is no way to move forward. And we are moving forward now, and I have a feeling this has been a turning point, more than the others, and this one will last.

04.03

2008

When A Bad Day Rolls Around

On those days when just about everything feels like it’s going wrong, and I need to get some order and control back in my life, I clean. Today I cleaned the kitchen, even places I may have never cleaned before. I didn’t mop, however, because we’re all out of the things for our swiffer.

What does this have to do with bdsm, you may ask? Well. It is also on these days that my urge to be dominated is extra strong. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be dominated in general, but it’s these days that I crave it more than usual, that I desire it with every fiber of my being, and my body cries out for the pain and pleasure that is brought from submitting to the will of another, and hopefully being toyed with in the process.

It’s slightly ironic, that to get control back I would desire to be dominated, but it makes sense in another way. I am a control freak, something I’ve mentioned before and will (no doubt) mention many times again. I hate not being in control, though I have learned to cede control in certain situations, and, well, sometimes I’m just lazy and don’t want to think. However, control is very much a part of both my personal (duh) and professional (if I can call it that) life. I like to run groups, I like to make plans, I like to start projects, I like to encourage others, I like to be in control… except for when I don’t.

When I don’t want to be in control I really don’t want to be in control. I want to be dominated, wholly and truly, I want to be taken out of myself and put into the role of cunt/toy/servant/pet, that role which I love so well. Usually when I’m having a day like this, I want to be given pain, and I want it given well. I want to be tied down and made to scream and cry and beg to stop and to keep going at the same time. I want to not know what I want. I want to lose myself in the sensation which I am being given and just float away on it, not a care in the world.

I need this kind of release. The stress and the worry and the control I exert over my everyday life is more than most people would want, I think, more than I want and often more than I can handle. I feel like I have way too much on my plate, and I need to be taken to that place where only sensation, the delicious feel of hand or cane or yes, even the strap against my skin is all I can think about. I need to be taken to that place where I can only think of pleasing and being given pleasure. I need to be taken to that place where I can shut up my brain and not think about things for a while.

03.27

2008

Too Much Love? Never!

From What’s love got to do with it? by cunt:

“What will happen is that I’ll end up with a case of the “wifies”. Girlfriend syndrome, I’ve heard it called. A time when expectations dip into romance and tenderness, when I begin to think I deserve to be treated more as an equal than a subordinate, when I assign more importance to my needs than to his, when I expect to be courted and wooed and romanced into sex and service. When I can sit on the couch, with my feet up, and ask HIM to fetch ME something.

“A time when his requests are met with an eyeroll instead of a pleasant nod, when he’s answered with grunts or heavy sighs instead of “Yes Master”, a time when I stomp away, scowling, and thinking to myself, “what about ME, you selfish prick? I’m tired and I’m stressed and my head aches and.. and.. and.. etc. etc.! What makes YOU so special?”

What makes this so hard for him to see is because he loves me as deeply and fiercely as I love him. He doesn’t immediately see it for what it is. Instead, he lets the love, and the natural urge to please the one you love, override what should be the response of a Master. He responds as my husband, with gentleness and concern. He babies me, pets me.”

I think this is our problem as well, and it’s not a bad problem to have in some ways, I mean, I love that he loves me and we have this connection and he understands when I have a lot of things to do, and he understands when I’m stressed, and he understands that school comes first, even before him. But, soon that will be over, and I won’t have school at all, and I will be able to devote most of my time to him, and the rest of my time to work. This is something I’m highly looking forward to, and I think it will change our dynamic.

Also we are going to have our house to ourselves and only ourselves, we are going to have a different bedroom and a different energy again, we will have a completely new and different situation, and we are going to go on vacation for three weeks which we can devote to each other.

We loved each other before we were O/cp, really. We came upon our love unexpectedly, both of us just looking for a friend with benefits, someone to fuck and pass the time with, someone who we were extremely sexually compatible with, and we found each other, and we are extremely sexually compatible. We were all about kinky sex more than the Owner/cuntpet relationship, though both of us wanted that, or I wanted that, and I’m not sure what he wanted, but he knew what I wanted, what I’ve craved, and he agreed with my descriptions of my desires, so that’s something. We weren’t really O/cp until long after I moved here.

I would get moody and irritated because we wouldn’t do anything, but it was nice, also, we were learning to get along with the vanilla aspects of each other, and I was learning to trust him again after what happened while we were apart. My trust in him was built and broken a few times during that period, but mostly broken due to my own insecurities and pushing away of him. We learned how to navigate each other, though not completely, but I don’t think that anyone can learn to 100% navigate someone else, because we’re constantly changing and so is the way to navigate us. However, it was a very useful time.

About a year ago I started really pushing for our work as Master and slave (or, now as I refer to it our Owner and cuntpet relationship), I wrote up our contract and we talked about it a lot. We’ve been struggling along ever since. This has been a slow process for us, juggling our love and our feminism and our O/cp and my school and his work and our roommates and our lives in general. Nothing is perfect, but we are working on it, and that’s what’s important. I need to learn how to initiate my submission, which is difficult for me, and he needs to learn how to initiate his Dominance, which is difficult for him. We end up stumbling through it every so often, but it doesn’t always work.

I desperately want to do more work on us, have us do more work on our O/cp relationship, have us work harder on it and on what we want. Once our roommates move out completely and I clean the house and we can keep it clean easier, and I graduate, and we move our bedroom, and we change things around, and we go to Europe, and I get a new job, THEN we can devote ourselves 100%. For now, I’m realizing, we really do not have the time to devote. And that’s fine, as long as we find it eventually. I’m realizing just how much we can actually do vs. how much I want us to do, and trying to realize the balance. I still expect to be fucked, and I still want to be dominated more frequently, but I won’t expect it to be perfect or to be closer to 100% until after we figure out other things.

03.19

2008

Needy Cuntpet

I still feel really guilty about what I did last Saturday night. I’m trying to make it up to him, but I don’t know if that’s really coming through. I don’t think I’m doing anything extra special, just trying to be good and compliant and helpful. I did, however, clean up our room tonight, vaccumed and everything, it looks very nice, if I do say so myself. Now I just need to do the bathroom, kitchen, and living room, leaving the upstairs to our roommates (soon to be neighbors). I’m feeling kinda bleh lately, and I haven’t started on any of my papers, though I have been thinking about them. Two are due right after break, the other is due a couple weeks after, but I need to interview Katrisa for that one, so I’m not focusing on it.

I need a good beating and fucking. I really do. I need something to snap me out of the headspace I’ve been in lately. I need to get down in that subspace and float around for a while. I need Master to drag me down into that degraded place and let me wallow there. I need him to control my breathing, make me choke and gag on his cock, to beat me and fuck me and all otherways get me to that delicious subspace. It’s been too long since we did something specifically like that. I want him to put me in high protocol, make me delve down into that dependancy and degradation and do anything and everything to me.

Though, I know this won’t happen tonight, we’re both tired, I’m way sore from the gym yesterday, and we have the (first) season finale of Dexter to watch.

03.15

2008

Will of Another

Why is it so difficult for me to push aside my will and ego and give in to another? Though… putting it like that, it kind of makes sense why, heh. It’s a difficult thing to do, especially for those who have spent time specifically building up those two things. I used to be a pushover, I’d do anything for anyone, and I tried to make everyone happy. I found out that by doing that I was hurting myself, and so I needed to stop. I learned how to stand up for myself, how to say no when I needed to, how to do what I wanted. I learned that sometimes the best thing to do is the most selfish.

And now I have to relearn all of that, to put his needs first before my own, and it’s difficult to unlearn something you taught yourself for years. And it took years for me to get here, and maybe that’s part of the reason why I shy away from people, too. I don’t know.

I need to learn this, relearn this. I watch others who do for others out of pleasure, and I wonder where that need in me went. It’s still there, to an extent, but I buried it in order to live. I love doing things for others, but I love doing them on my terms, at my own time, when I want to, and not regardless of my own desires, that’s what I have major issues with. It’s like that quote which I quoted long ago “I don’t think it should be up to me when I decide I want to be submissive and when I don’t want to be. ” This is my problem. I need to fix this.

Everytime I think I’m getting better, I’m not. He still insists that getting me to do anything is like pulling teeth, even though there are plenty of times when that’s not the case, but the times when it is the case are the times that are most notable. I often just wish I could slip into that as easily as others seem to be able, that it was more of a second nature than it is now, and I tried to get that to happen with us, am trying but not successfully, and it takes two, and I’m not sure either of us really knows how to do it.

I did something tonight, was difficult, not compliant, not going along with something because he wanted to do it and I didn’t. He said that he does that for me, when he knows that doing something will make me happy he will go along with it even if he doesn’t want to. I inferred from that therefore I didn’t do that ever, though I don’t think that’s exactly what he was trying to imply, and I said that. I do that too, but just not noticeably, because it’s not noticeable if you go along without saying anything when you don’t want to do it but the other person does.

I’m trying to get over my emotional blocks, I’m trying to be more submissive to him, but it’s also hard when he won’t Dominate me. It’s like he expects me to just submit to him without having to Dominate me, and that’s difficult for me. It doesn’t mean he has to force me to do things, just exert his will over me every once in a while, that’s all.

That’s not to say this is all his fault that I’m not submissive to him as he wants me to be. Of course it’s not, and that’s not what I’m trying to say. It’s my fault mostly, but there are aspects of his fault in it, so it’s just a big mess. I’m not sure what to do sometimes, and need a little guidance. Or, I do know what to do, but it’s sometimes hard for me to just do it without being lead a bit.

03.14

2008

Needy Me

I think I need some things to change, at the moment. I feel like we are not doing as much as I would like, but we are both busy, so where do we find the time, how do we find the time? We need to make time, I guess. I feel like we haven’t done much extreme for a long time. I want to be tied up, I want him to tie me up and tease me and then leave me there, bound, gagged, and instruct me not to move.

Why is it easier to submit to strangers online than it is to submit to the man I love? Not that I do that too often, or hardly at all, really, but I found myself desiring it, just the easy anonymous submission, without having to think of future ramifications, without having to think about what people might think or say or how they might act around me differently. Though, I don’t think that Owner would act differently around me if I was to always submit fully to him, instead of what I’ve been doing, which is erratic and often bratty.

I’ve been wanting to be dominated lately, to just be used, taken, played with as a toy instead of as a person or human or even pet. Perhaps that’s another aspect of my cuntpetness is the Owner/toy aspect of it. I love being treated like a toy, being put into the place where I don’t have to think about anything, just being manipulated and molded by the will of another. I ache for that, and I’ve been wanting it a lot lately. Of course, instead of just saying this to Master, I just act more bratty and irritable, subconsciously hoping that he will take me in hand, so to speak. Needless to say, this doesn’t work.

Why don’t I just up and say something to him? Well, honestly, I think I’m rather shy about stuff like that. I have this fear of expressing things that are real, a fear of exposing myself to others, which is really why I’m attracted to submission in the first place. I long to be able to be exposed, raw, and bare, and for it not to matter. I care too much about what he thinks, and I’m too paranoid about getting hurt or about him not taking something the way I mean it, or about him not taking something I say seriously enough, or taking it too seriously… and so instead of saying things I just close off, shut down, until I am irritated and he’s confused.

The solution is obvious, but how to get to the solution, that’s the problem. It’s so difficult for me to say what I have and do already, I’m not sure how much more I really can express, and yet I know I need to. More than anything right now, I just need to be used and ass fucked would be nice too.