Well, we made it back to Salt Lake City safe and sound, and only slightly worse for the wear. One of these days I will post a general trip update in my general blog… once I get around to it.
Master and I have been talking a lot, I mean A LOT about what we want out of this relationship, where we want it to go, the difficulties we have with it. I know a lot of the time I make it sound like all the reasons why we are not farther (or where I want to be) are because of him, and that simply isn’t true, but it does feel like that on occasion, as this is my blog, my emotions, my expression of my point of view, of course it feels like it’s only him who is wrong at times.
However, that simply isn’t true. I was talking with Kat not too long ago, however, while we were still in Norway. We were talking about Master and me and my needs and his desires and our relationship and why it wasn’t working and I got to a point of realization. I have said before that I am a control freak, and this is very true. I have come to realize the extent of this control freakyness, something which seems obvious now that I have thought of it, but something I hadn’t quite put into these words before: I need complete control or no control.
Now, no control doesn’t have to literally be no control, but just that the little control I have is given to me and can be taken away at any moment. So, in my ideal relationship situation I would still have control over quite a lot as far as my personal, professional, academic, emotional, and relationship lives, however, all that control is temporary and not something that I have naturally, but something which I am allowed, something which is given to me and which my Owner could take back at any moment.
This is not something which is has been happening in my relationship with Master, and because I often know that I can get my way if I am stubborn enough, or I know that he will cave if I do a certain thing or another, I haven’t been taking his Dominance seriously. Because of that, he has been having an even harder time relating to me on a D/s way than we normally would. There is the problem of him having trouble receiving it when I do attempt to submit to him, and part of that is because of his own issues, but part of it is because I haven’t shown him my submission well enough.
I need complete and total power exchange, or I don’t respond as well. I need to have no choices, no way to say no, no control whatsoever, and I need to be shown that he is capable of this.
My other ideal situation would be to have complete and utter control over everything. This is not something that I have really talked about, either, as I am first and foremost submissive. Lately, however, I’ve been opening up to my Dominant side, and I think I may be more of a switch than I have really let myself believe before. This is a side of myself which I would like to explore more of, online, at first, as that is a wonderful way to explore new sides of oneself, I believe.
While I want to explore my Dominant side, I do not want to explore it with Master as my sub. Though, I could see myself Dominating someone in front of him, and that’s something I’ve done before online, actually, but it’s not something I would want to do to him, nor is submission something I think he would want to explore for himself.
After our many conversations, things are drastically changing. It’s all those little, subtle, teeny tiny things which can make or break a D/s relationship. It’s thanking him whenever he uses me or allows me to cum. It’s having to ask for permission to sit after getting something for him or for myself. It’s having him remind me to call him “Master” (which I don’t always do) or me correcting myself and calling him Master after calling him something else. It’s all those little things that have really made a difference.
We’re nowhere near perfect, of course, and there are many things I still desire to do, and which I hope he desires to do to me, but I feel that we are much closer than we were before, and that we are starting to pick up the pace, as it were. We have talked about numerous other things which we want to change, to do, and many of which I have that hate/love feeling for. The feeling I have toward humiliating and degrading things, or submitting in general, it’s a love for the feeling I will get from it, but a hate for actually doing it.
One of those things is being trained as a pet. I think this will be good for me, good for our relationship, but it is something which I both love the idea of and will hate the humiliation of, but love it at the same time. I want to have to crawl everywhere, sit at his feet while we’re watching tv or he’s on the computer, patiently attending to him quietly, only allowed to make animal noises unless I have something specific to ask him. I would be made to ask him if I need to go to the bathroom, if I need to move at all, if he would be alright with letting me do something, if I could cuddle with him on the couch instead of next to him. I would have to eat my food out of a dish on the floor, drink and food alike. He would pet me and play with me and do as he pleased, my body, my will, my self all given to him.
I want to be tied up, teased, and left, bound, for long periods of time, not knowing when he would come back, showing me that he can do as he please with me. I want to be shown that he can Dominate me completely, that he is higher than me and I his servant, his pet, his toy. I have so many needs in me, and I need to get better at letting him know them.Labels: control, desires, Kat, relationships