Purveyor of Pleasure

A genderqueer fat queer poly switch exploring gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the joys and pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

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Forward Again

Master gave me a list of protocols and household duties yesterday (really he emailed it to me late on Saturday right before we went to bed, and then I was able to look at it yesterday after work), and I love it. The household duties are reasonable, though I’m only slightly worried about them and remembering them all and having time to do them with work and class and homework and the gym, but I will get them done. I posted them to my journal privately along with the protocols so that I will look at them every day and work on memorizing them.

I also asked him about integrating verbal and physical position commands into our play, which is something I would really like to do and also something which I think will help me get into a slavehood mindset from our casual mindset easier than I do currently. We are both still shaky about things like that, but we are working on it. He thought it was a good idea, and I sent him a list of potential positions and commands (both verbal and physical–physical meaning mostly hand gestures) and I hope to get that back from him shortly so that I may begin memorizing the ones he wants me to.

I don’t know what my attraction is to having position commands, but it is a strong one. Perhaps it is simply being ordered around that I like (which I do) but perhaps it is more than that.

I’m very happy that we have specific protocols outlined as well as regular household duties and we’re working on other things. It’s nice to be working on things and moving forward with this instead of not doing anything.

Finally…

We fucked this afternoon, and it was glorious. I asked him about verbal position commands, if we could integrate them into our play, which I’m very excited about, and he came over to the bed where I was to talk about it, turned me on my back and slid easily between welcoming legs, we grinned and talked about it for a bit while kissing and grinding against each other. He made the move to get up and I wrapped my legs around his waist, grinding up against him a little harder. He teased me for a bit before pulling back and undressing, moving to the side of the bed, his cock already hard, and telling me to turn around again, get on my knees. I did.

I moved back against him so his cock slid inside my already wet cunt and his hand went into my hair, eliciting a gasp and a moan from me. He doesn’t always pull my hair, and when he does, ooh, I go crazy for it. I just closed my eyes and let the sensations wash over me. He fucked me from behind like that (as is usual for us, you’ve probably noticed, our favorite position), his hands in my hair, then around my throat, then I suckled on his thumb softly as he continued to ride me. He put two fingers from each hand on either side of my mouth, slightly streching my lips apart. I was going absolutely crazy (in a good way, of course), and I was feeling wonderfully used.

He pulled out and turned me around again, moving my head to his cock as he started to thrust into it, alternating between using my mouth and having me lap at his balls with my eager tongue while he stroked his shaft. We did this until he came in my mouth, letting me suck his juices down happily, and then we rested for a few moments before he searched through our drawer of toys which is kept next to the nightstand. He found one of my dildos, a fairly large silicone one, and started fucking me with it while he rubbed my clit until I came once and then again, easily under his ministrations.

At this point he removed the dildo, wet with my juices, and slid it into my mouth, letting me suckle on it as he then moved again between my legs, sliding his again hardened cock into me, fucking me while I still sucked on the black silicone cock in my mouth, making me moan and writhe beneath him. He fucked me nice and hard until I couldn’t take it anymore and I slid my hand down to my cunt, rubbing my clit as he got close to cumming. He took the dildo out of my mouth, presumably so that I would be able to ask to cum as I am supposed to do. I felt him cumming inside of me, filling me up with him and I began rubbing harder, my legs tightening around him, getting closer and closer and finally begging to cum, being allowed to, and finding the spasms taking me over yet again as I came hard around his cock.

Anais Nin Quotes

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

“If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.”

“Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.”

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish it’s source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

“When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.”

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ”

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live richly and darkly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, god, as a woman i want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, and possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

I love the last two, but have issue with it at the same time, probably because of its implied heterosexuality, but also because they hinge on womanhood and femaleness. I am trying to find a new quote to use, and none of them quite work, because they’re all about men and women and I want one more ambiguous. I suppose I could change some wording, but… I don’t know. I mean, granted, I’m with a man right now, and I love him very much, but we are also poly and I also love women and need a woman in my life, and I don’t consider it the natural place of women to be submissive to men, so here lies the problem. I will stick to what I had before, but I’m still wanting a new quote, dammit.

Dream Fucking

Master and I have been somewhat busy and haven’t been fucking as much as we normally would. We had a house guest for a while, who slept on the couch in the living room and since sound carries from here to there we waited for her to leave. I’ve also been going to the gym and because of that, too, I have been sore and we decided it would be wise to wait a bit.

Master did (finally) give me my protocol handbook last night, and we worked a little on that, but not much.

We didn’t fuck last night, he was sick (had a fever of 100.1) and I was all sore, but I did have a dream/fantasy last night…

We were hanging around with another man, no one that I can identify, though in the dream it was someone we both knew well. We were all talking, and Master made some offhand comment about me being a good little slut, and the other person was somewhat shocked but seemed to take a moment to remember our relationship, Master ordered me to kneel next to him on the floor, while the other person was in the room, and I was slightly embarassed but did it, of course, trying not to protest too much as I didn’t want to make a bad impression or to embarrass Master any. I did so and Master and the other man continued to talk for a bit, I don’t remember about what.

After a bit I realized they were both looking at me, I looked up quizzically, and Master repeated that he wanted me to go over and take the other man’s cock in my mouth. I gasped softly and looked back and forth between the two before crawling over to the other man and as I crawled he unzipped his pants and pulled out a slightly hardened cock. I remember taking it into my mouth and feeling the texture of it, slipping my tongue around it, and then I woke up.

I believe I will have to write a more in-depth story about this later, probably ending with me being fucked by both of them at once. Mmm.

Seven, Sieben, Siete, Sju

Seven quirks/habits/facts about myself. Some of this information may be known by some and not by others, so…

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1. Butch Despite my high femme appearance lately in high school I was extremely butch. I kept my hair anywhere from shaved to about 3″ long. For a long time I would only play men in plays. I shaved my head once and kept it shaved for a while. I went to my Junior prom in a black suit and fedora with pink tie, socks, and hair to match my date’s pink dress. I still don’t really feel female, I don’t feel male either, though I also wonder if someone can feel like their sex if they know that their sex and gender do not have to be correlated. I now identify as a femme drag queen, or high femme sometimes, but I still love putting on men’s suits and hiding my hair under a fedora every once in a while.

2. Hair Dye I am addicted to dying my hair. Although this has changed in the last few years as I have been growing my hair out and it is extremely damaged due to my hair dying for a while in high school I used to dye my hair about once a week. I have had nearly every color in my hair which you can think of: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink, blonde, brown, redhead, black, silver, teal, turquoise, light green, dark green, light purple, dark purple, reddish purple, blueish purple, fuscia, orangey red, pinkish red, blood red/scarlet, light red, light pink, hot pink, etc. Currently my hair is black and while I love it I also miss having other colors in it but can’t because I’m not allowed to at work. Instead of dying now I wear hair falls.

3. Astrology (while I do mention this in my profile and have the filter, this is slightly different) I’ve taken quite a few classes on astrology by a (certified, I believe) astrologist. I have learned quite a lot and know (barely) how to interprate a chart and the basics of most things. Although this is true, I have trouble with interpreting a number of things, mostly that which I do not have in my chart or that which I have retrograde or etc. I can intellectually explain and understand them, but I can’t feel them like I feel other signs/planets/etc.

4. IRC I am addicted to going on IRC. This ebbs and flows as addictions do, but I love going on there. Usually I go to irc.bondage.com or irc.sexnet.org or often both. You can find me in various channels on either network. Master and I even met on IRC, on sexnet in a channel called #group-sex (back in the golden age of g-s). The majority of our relationship was developed over bondage.com, however, but we originally met on sexnet. I have made many friends this way, and though many of you know this already many of you don’t.

5. Body Modifications Though I do say this in my profile, that I am “a body-mod addict (thirty-four piercings and eight tattoos)” I do not describe those. I love body modifications in general, and I would like to apprentace as a piercer one day soon. My piercings: 19 in my ears (6 in each lobe (12), three cartilage, a rook, a traigus, and an orbital (which I count as two as it’s two holes)), three in my nose (two on one side, one on the other), my tongue, +’s in my nipples (two barbells in each), a vertical clitoral hood (vch), and six in my inner labia (three in each). My tattoos: a stylized heart on my left breast, a small cancer (zodiac) symbol on my right breast (cancer rules the breasts and stomach), a small aries (zodiac) symbol behind my left ear (aries rules the head and neck), what I like to call “lovers entwined” between my breasts, bettie page by olivia (the photo does not do it justice) “don’t tread on me” (see icon) on my right thigh, elvgren’s pinup witch on my right calf (again, photos do not do it justice), a key with heart-shaped handle on my left wrist, and a heart-shaped padlock which looks like it goes under my skin on my right wrist.

6. Musicals I love musicals. Lately my addiction is Sweeney Todd, but before that has been The Producers, Rent, and tons of others including Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn musicals, among others.

7. Vintage and Retro I love vintage and retro clothing as well as many of my idols are from earlier eras such as Mae West and Bettie Page. Also, I was into this before it became the “big thing.” I cut my hair in image of Bettie’s freshman year of high school and then cut it short again, but once I started growing it out I have had it like hers since. I used to get asked “who is that?” when I would wear tshirts or have something with her on it, now I get “did you see the movie?” This is mildly annoying.

Unhappy.

Onyx and I had a fight last night. We don’t have them often, but when we do they’re always about the same thing: I’m not getting what I need from him. He agrees, and isn’t getting what he needs either, but he ignores it and can ignore it for longer than I can. We talked, a lot. It wasn’t exactly a fight fight, it was just me being upset and then that leading to us talking. It wasn’t the greatest idea, we dropped molly and I got a negative reaction to it and he was rolling, so I secluded myself downstairs. I feel bad about it, it was K’s last night with us and I holed myself up, but I’ll explain and apologize next time I see him. Though, also, Becky is here visiting and I felt bad about not being around as well, but Onyx and the K’s were all hanging out with her and so they were all rolling and having a good time, so I don’t feel too bad about it. I’ll explain to her as well today.

It’s a lot of the same stuff as in other posts I’ve posted, and posts I haven’t posted. It’s the same needs as always, the same problems as always, and I don’t know how much more I can take. I am so tired of bringing these things up, I just want it to work, and it isn’t and doesn’t. I wonder if we are not meant for each other like I’ve always thought. We are so compatible, but we can’t seem to motivate each other. This is not just his fault, and I recognize this, and it’s easy to point fingers… meh. Now I’m hurt and still a little angry, and I don’t want to face my friends upstairs, I just want to cower down here and pretend nothing happened. But that’s not a good idea. I have to go to work for a few hours. I’ll tell Becky about it after I shower (maybe). I will talk with Onyx more tonight. This will all be figured out. Will it change? I’m not sure. But, then, I’ve changed my going to the gym, maybe I’m just a catalyst for change at the moment. Maybe this will work.

Heterosexual Guilt

I suffer from heterosexual guilt. I am currently with a man (as most/all of you know), and I feel guilty for the privilege that affords me. I desire women more, have always desired women more, but I happen to have fallen in love with a man. Deeply, passionately in love. He’s heteroflexible, basically, but not interested in the queer community, though he loves my activist side he is not an activist himself.

I feel like I’m cheating on my lesbian desires and I’m cheating and gaining privilege from being with him. I almost forget what it’s like to be with a woman. We’re poly, so I have that chance afforded to me, and happily I would take it were I to meet someone who that situation would be acceptable for, and I have little doubt that Kat and I will do things, as that situation is acceptable to her, but I want more.

In an odd way, I feel like I should be marginalized, because I’m queer and I feel I should be, because I generally prefer women.

Back to writing my paper on femme as a trans identity. It rocks, and I am going to post it once I’m done.

Home for the Holidays

So, I’m up in Juneau, Alaska (where I grew up) visiting my family for the holidays. I haven’t been much near a computer, only briefly and hardly checked my email, and that’s why I have not posted in a while! I’ll be back home on Sunday, and will probably make a post or two.

I’ve been avoiding having sex while up here, I have never had sex in my parent’s house, and it seemed somewhat weird to do so, but Master and I got to the point today where being around each other was a little too much to bear without fucking… of course, it didn’t help that I was rubbing his cock through his jeans while we were lying on the bed. I had done a little bit of that the night before, but resisted the temptation… it was just too weird. But, after some intense rubbing we decided that there was no way we weren’t fucking.

We wanted to be quick, no one was at home, but one never knows, not to mention we were both highly impatient. He fucked me from behind (big surprise, right?) and just pounded me nice and hard until he was about to cum, at which time he ordered me to turn and get on my knees in front of him and he finished in my mouth, filling it with his cum as I greedily sucked it down. I made sure to milk every drop before asking for him to make me cum. Two fingers in my cunt and my finger on my clit got me off twice in very few minutes.

Birthday Fuck

It was Master’s birthday weekend this past one, plus the end of finals week for me, and he got his MCSE last week as well, so we did a minor amount of partying on Saturday night. Sunday was his actual birthday, though, and that was fun. We fucked on Saturday night/Sunday morning, but I was a mixture of tired and fucked up and I don’t remember much of it, except that it felt wonderful, but it always does.

Last night, however, I remember.

Even though he had to get up for work early this morning we stayed up later than we should have watching Alias (middle of Season 3), we finished and got settled, and he told me to turn off the light. Instead I turned around and we began kissing. Luckily we had gotten quite a bit of sleep the night before. We focused on kissing, one of my arms trapped between us against the bed, the other sliding across his chest, to his side, back up to his neck, grinning happily against his mouth.

Eventually he took my hand and tugged it down toward his cock as I playfully resisted the movement. I started stroking, one of our favorite activities, both of us glancing down every once in a while to watch my hand as it moved up and down his hard length. I don’t remember who encouraged the next part, if I was so hungry to feel and taste his cockhead in my mouth that I moved down to capture it with my lips or if he pressed my head down toward his cock with his hand while I stroked it with mine. Perhaps it was a mixture of both. Either way we ended up with his cock between my lips.

I was slow at first, languidly lapping at his cockhead, sliding my tongue along the head, letting the ball of my tongue ring flick against the spot on the underside where the head meets the length, the little space that is almost like an arrow, leading up in a crease to the cum slit, letting my tongue play with the soft spongy flesh I found there, purring with delight, having missed the taste and texture of his cock, realizing we had been so preoccupied with fucking my cunt lately that my mouth hadn’t been fucked for a while.

Once my teasing and slow worshiping had gotten to be enough for him, his hand moved around the back of my neck and he began encouraging me to bob my head up and down his shaft, working it with my mouth. I complied, my hands moving to his balls, playing with them softly as he groaned, my mouth and hands working happily to bring him pleasure. My speed alternated, slow, then fast, then slow, every once in a while pulling back to just suckle the cockhead or lap at the tip while I was still in control.

As he got closer, his grip on my head tightened until he was moving my head up and down, no longer letting me have control of my movements just fucking my face with his cock, using it as a hole for his pleasure, fucking it like any other hole. I moaned and gagged softly a few times as he pushed me down until his cockhead popped softly into my throat, and then pulled back, I could hear him groan at the sensation as I gagged, my hand still stroking his balls softly, now tight and ready to explode at any moment as he fucked my face up and down his shaft. My spit was drooling out the sides of my mouth as I had no control over my movements or the ability to stop and swallow as my mouth was used.

Our pattern alternated a bit, every once in a while I would be given control again, but usually just for a few moments before he started fucking my mouth, his hips would fuck his cock up into my mouth at times, and others the only movement would be my lips on his shaft. He groaned loudly, moving my face faster, harder, fucking it like he was getting close, I could feel his body tensing right before his cock began spurting into my mouth, his hand holding me steady as his cum flooded into me, swallowing it down quickly I moaned and relished the taste of it and the pleasure I had brought to him. I was squirming on the bed, my cunt on fire, wanting to be fucked, so I kept my mouth on his cock, I made sure to lick up every drop of cum before focusing again on teasing and coaxing his cock.

I patiently licked every inch of it, sucking the cockhead in my mouth, sliding my lips up and down his shaft again, moving down to take every inch in my mouth, gagging but holding my mouth down, deepthroating him for as long as I could before pulling up, and then repeating. I slid my mouth down to his balls, lapping and sucking at them as my hand stroked his cock. He never quite got soft, though he was softer after cumming, but quickly began hardening again as I worked my mouth on him. Soon he was fucking my face again, and I was squirming and squeezing my cunt and moaning loudly, trying to indicate my desire to be fucked without taking his cock out of my mouth. It was all I could think of, having his cock inside of me, pounding into me and making me moan.

After he was more than sufficiently hard he asked me if I wanted to be fucked, asked me if I wanted his hard cock inside of me, if I wanted him slamming into me, and to each question I gave a muffled “yes” or “yes, please,” my mouth unwilling to leave his cock until he told me to. I looked up at him, and there was an agreement. I moved to kiss him and whimper, and we moved, shifted positions, I got on my hands and knees and the moment he got behind me I backed up onto him, his cock sliding easily into my wet cunt, our usual position, fucking me like a whore.

He was fast and hard from the first stroke, pounding into me perfectly as I moaned loudly into the pillow beneath my face, pressing back against him as he fucked me, his hands on my hips again, stroking himself into me, using my cunt now as he had used my face not too long before, getting close in minutes as I begged him to cum inside of me, to fill me with cum, to fuck me, pound my cunt, fuck me harder, cum in me… and he did, I could feel the spasms of his cock as he erupted inside of me.

We stayed there for a few moments, his cock still hard within me, both of us catching our breath, though I had not cum yet but had been moaning and panting and begging. He tried pulling out a couple times, and both times I greedily pushed my cunt back so that he did not escape, keeping him inside of me, loving the feeling of his cock stretching my cunt open slightly, squeezing the walls around his shaft, and just enjoying the feeling of his cum inside.

His third attempt to pull back worked, but his cock was quickly replaced by his fingers, making me moan and fuck back yet again. I knew what to do, and slid my hand down to my cunt, rubbing my clit as he fingered me. It did not take long for me to reach my first orgasm, asking permission before cumming hard around his fingers, the walls spasming, knowing he could feel it. He barely paused after I came, starting to fuck me again, my finger starting to work my clit as I came to another, and then another, both with permission. My fourth and final orgasm of the night was closer to two or maybe three strung together, my body overcoming with pleasure, lasting for longer than the others, spasming and shaking and moaning before collapsing in a puddle of pleasure, gasping for air and unable to move.

A Typical Worknight Fucking

Not last night, but two nights ago.

It was rather vanilla in practice, but he was in charge of course, and it was delicious, as our sex always is.

It was a nice quickie before we went to sleep, which is our typical routine during the work/school week when our roommates are in the house (often in the living room above us as we tend to go to bed before them).

We were lying in bed, both of us slightly exhausted from the day, but I started stroking his cock because I wanted to be fucked. I love the feeling of a soft cock hardening against my fingers, knowing that I’m pleasing it, that I’m pleasing him, and knowing that if I manage to get it hard enough it will be inside me somewhere, inside one of my holes fucking me. This is usually incentive enough after an exhausting day to work at Master’s cock and try to get it hard.

He loves it when I initiate sex, when I show off how much I desire his cock by encouraging it to grow with my hands or lips and tongue. He loves for me to show off how much of an eager cock slut I am for him, to show off how much I love to be fucked, to suck, and to taste his cock.

I stroked and stroked and stroked, rubbing myself softly up against his thigh, waiting until he was hard. He told me to get on top, which we hadn’t done for a while, though both of us enjoys it when we do fuck that way. He had hurt his back that day and was trying to resist the urge to take me hard from behind like we both love him to do. I slid my cunt down on his hard cock and began grinding up and down, lifting my ass and settling it down.

After long enough he was unable to stand it, and I was definitely ready to feel his hard cock pounding into me from behind, using me like a whore as he likes to call it. He had me get on hands and knees, and I quickly complied, wiggling my ass back towards his cock as he positioned behind me, his cock slipping again easily into my now sopping wet cunt, grinding back against him as he took my hips in hand and began pumping his cock into me.

I love it when he fucks me this way, and he knows it too. He enjoys it as well, obviously, as his hurting back was not discouraging enough for him to not fuck me like a whore, taking me like an easy little fucktoy, just the way I love it. We whispered obscenities to each other, which just made it hotter, and he picked up pace until he was slamming into me, using my hole for his pleasure, and I was loving every second of it.

He came inside of me and it was amazing. There’s very little that can compare to the feeling of his cock erupting within me.

His back began hurting again, or else I would have probably cum as well, but I had the night before quite a few times, and I’m getting used to only cumming when he desires it as opposed to whenever I would like to.

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