taiWelcome! I’m Tai Fenix Kulystin, a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and my pronouns are they/them or any neutral pronouns. I spend a lot of my time studying sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, archetypes, mythology, erotic neurobiology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
Read more about this site & me→


11.29

2007

Power Drag

This is just a draft, I’m working on organizing my ideas of this, once I get it down perfectly I’m going to post it to communities and such.

This concept was actually the idea of Lisa Diamond, Ph.D, a professor of mine here at the University of Utah. We were talking about BDSM in my Gender and Sexual Orientation class yesterday, and this is a concept which she came up with.

What does it mean?
The term “power drag” is playing on the same idea as gender drag is, most notably Judith Butler’s idea of performativity, that all gender is drag, all gender is constructed “woman is to drag not as original is to copy, but as copy is to copy. all gender is drag” (paraphrased). This does this by showing that gender is simply a performance, and regardless of the body that masculinity or femininity is placed upon it is still masculinity and femininity.
What power within BDSM and specifically D/s or M/s relations does is emphasize the power dynamics between the two people, going to one extreme of power, with absolute power and absolute submission, it is showing that power is a performance, and without an exchange of power no power can be gained or lost. Power drag shows that there is no natural power dynamic between people just as there is no natural gender.
However, just as one cannot escape gender, one cannot escape power dynamics either, but power drag brings awareness to the power dynamics between all people, not just people within BDSM relationships. It shows the constructedness of “natural” power, such as white dominance or male dominance, even when it is a white male dominating a non-white female there is still a choice being made as opposed to blindly accepting the dominance of the white male. Most obviously this constructedness or non-naturalness is shown when a female dominates a male or when a non-white person dominates a white person, or any other inequalites (age, class, ability, etc.).

Why is it important?
By exposing the non-naturalness of power dynamics between people we can begin to play with power (though we in BDSM have been doing that for a long time now already) and we show how power is fluid, and power dynamics can change from moment to moment. The realization of power drag could help both with keeping roles within relationships strict or being able to relax the usually strict roles within our relationships.

Gender drag is to Gender as Power drag is to Power?

What else? I’m sure there’s more I can/should talk about. What kinds of questions do you all have about this? What else should be included in a conceptualization of power drag? What else do I need to discuss?
This is so huge and I’m so excited by it that I don’t quite know how to cover everything or what I’m missing.

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11.28

2007

The Sacred and Shameless Sexcast (Kinkcast?)

I’m going to re-start my sexcast, and possibly rename it as well. It has been over a year since I did an episode, and I miss it, and have decided it’s something I need to get going again. I bought both sacredkinkcast.org and sacredsexcast.org (the latter is just a pointer to the former) and I’m going to revamp the layout soon and do things like that as well as start making new ones.

A little information for those of you who don’t know, I described the cast as “a blunt and honest sexcast exploring kinky sex, queer sex, sacredsexuality, and much more with interesting information, sex toy review,and erotica.”
You can listen to the promo here (it’s an mp3, click to listen if you have a qucktime or other type of mp3 player plugin, or right click and save as to listen to it on another mp3 player)

The first five which are out are all very basic, but you have to start basic in order to go into any sorts of detailed things. I have the next two three cast topics planned, and may ask for imput as I work on them. The first five definitely do get rambly, and I realize that. It’s been said that it’s good but it would be better if I was more organized, and so I’m going to work on that in my next ones.

I am thinking of changing the name as well. I’m not sure what to, I do want to keep sacred in there, maybe I could just change it to The Sacred KinkCast, as that is the domain I registered, though having shameless in there is kinda nice. Maybe I don’t need to change it at all… I don’t know. I’m going to keep the same format, I think, though maybe I will cut the story part of it and just have it information and sex toy review… so many choices!

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11.18

2007

Long and Winding Road

I suggested to Master today making a few manuals or perhaps just one manual with seperate sections, inspired by slave,kate’s last post. I think that would be a fabulous idea, and another way to get more definitions of what I am supposed to do and such. He seemed to like the idea. I also suggested we update our contract to add some of the new things we’re figuring out into it, as well as to review it and see what we put in there that we’re not doing/working on.

We don’t really have any set protocols yet, and that is something I would really like. In his expectations of me he said that he wants me to present to him every time he enters a room (a different way if we’re in the company of others, of course), and I haven’t asked for a specific on that, although I should, and this is a reminder to do so. I would also like for us to develop some verbal commands for different sitting positions and such, and define more some other body positions.

We have a long road ahead, but we’re trundling along. We’re making more progress than we have in the last two years (since he collared me). When we were apart there was a definite lack of M/s, then for a while after I moved here we were pretty much having kinky sex and that’s it, we did very little D/s let alone M/s, and now we’re working on both.

I feel happier in where we are than I have in a long time.

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11.18

2007

Anniverseries

Tomorrow is Master and my two year collaring annaversery.

Some other important dates (mostly so I’ll remember them, I couldn’t remember what day our annaversery was without looking at this):
Day we first started talking: January 10th, 2005 (he sent me porn)
Day we first had sex (online): January 23rd, 2005 (so hot)
Day we met face-to-face: July 28th, 2005 (also very hot… we hardly got out of bed all weekend)
Day He collared me: November 19th, 2005 (tricked me with giving me chocolate as my “surprise” first, then gave me the collar later that night)
Day I moved to SLC: August 28th, 2006
Day we signed our M/s contract: March 10th, 2007

I think that’s it…

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11.11

2007

The Paradox of Femme-ininity As Transgender Identity

The paper I wrote for my Gender and Sexual Orientation class. It is rather long and somewhat academic.

The Paradox of Femme-ininity As Transgender Identity

Simone de Beauvoir (1949) states in The Second Sex “one is not born a woman, but, rather, becomes one.” Judith Butler (1990) asserts in her analysis of gender in Gender Trouble that woman is to copy as copy is to copy, therefore there is no original when speaking of traditional gender roles or gender in and of itself, it is all a reproduction of something else. If these two statements are taken to be true, than anyone could become a woman, a man, or any other gender role which they desire. If women are not born then no other gendered identity is born either. Is gender, then, whatever we make of it?

Traditionally in our society gender roles are supposed to follow the sex which the gendered body is representing. Male bodies grow up to be men/masculine and female bodies grow up to be women/feminine. This isn’t always the case. Transgendered people throw off these two neatly defined gender categories which are socialized into us from day one. While multiple definitions can be applied to the term ‘transgender,’ it is generally and broadly defined as any gender deviance from the (two) traditional socially accepted genders (OutProud, 2007).

The term femme can have multiple meanings and interpretations as well: “[m]any femmes are lesbians, but femmes are also drag queens, straight sex workers, nelly fags, all strong women and sassy men” (Camilleri & Rose, 2002). Some have gone so far as to say “[t]rying to define femme is like trying to capture the essence of mystery” (Drinkwater, 2006) because it is an extremely subjectively defined identity, as all identities are. Specifically in this paper, however, the use of the gender femme in relation to genetic females who identify as femme will be examined. lanjut →

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11.07

2007

Bender

Read in Episode #4 of The Sacred and Shameless Sexcast.

you had told me i was hot as a boy, and so i’ve decided to dress up for you this late saturday night. i grabbed clothing sneakily while you were in the bathroom and went downstairs to put it on. i put on my old bondage jeans which i hardly wear anymore, and a button-up shirt and tie. i wish i could find my find my fedora, but i think it’s probably on top of a box somewhere, waiting to be found, and not for tonight. instead i part my hair down the center, and slick it to the side to get rid of my girly bangs. though, i did put on a lacy bra, because i wanted enough of the boy to shine through as well as the woman underneath. i want to be neither one or the other but both at the same time, which was the same reason i stepped into my strap-on and adjusted it just before donning the jeans.

i smirk as i look in the mirror, reaching down to adjust my silicone-hard cock, the outline of which is visible against my denim-covered thigh. i lick my lips, try out looks at myself in the mirror, find one that is a suitable “i’m going to make you do me” look, a look that, even though it’s my reflection, makes me melt a little as i look at myself. all i can think of is “damn i’m hot” and “damn, -this- is going to be hot.”

i go, now impatient, upstairs, turn the corner, the other, see you sitting on our bed, reading a book. i paste on the look i practiced in the mirror and strut casually into the doorframe, leaning against it, waiting until you notice me. i see the look of shock and surprise, and that only causes me to lift my chin a little higher, cast a more hardened look at you, my lips threatening to curl into a smile. i can already feel my cunt getting wet between my legs, the feel of the cock already growing familiar instead of foreign.

instead of saying anything i move over towards you, standing next to the bed, and take your hand, with a tiny smile. i slide your fingers against the cock, and somehow the feeling is electric inside of me. i can feel the silicone attached to me, as if it were my own. i smirk at you, wiggle my eyebrows, just once, in an expectant silent command. i watch as your surprise turns into interest, and then excitement. I reach over and slide my fingers against your own cock through your jeans.

i move a leg up onto the bed, parting my thighs, the cock between my legs adjusts and i move my hands to my crotch, undoing my pyramid studded belt, unbuttoning and unzipping the pants slowly, and pulling out my hard black silicone cock. i bend over, my breasts pressing against the fabric of my shirt as i do, and i kiss you, hard, insistantly, tongue probing your mouth, almost reversing roles, though knowing they aren’t really changed. i break the kiss, look into your eyes and grin mischieviously, then tug your lips down, the book in your hands forgotten on the other side of the bed, your lips moving towards my hard cock, watching as your tongue slides against it. i can’t help but groan at the sight of it, and at the same moment your lips engulf the tip of my attached erection.

i lick my lips and watch as you play with my fake cock, wondering why i hadn’t done this sooner. you look so hot with my cock in your mouth. i slide my fingers into your hair and groan again, watching you as you start to slide your lips down the length, playing with it, teasing it as i often tease your cock. i can somehow feel your lips through the silicone, sending white hot shocks to my clit, feeling my cunt getting even wetter, and knowing that it’s delicious smell is seeping into the air.

you slide your fingers under my cock as you lick and suck at it, as i watch you. your fingers slip against the zipper of my jeans and find my hole even as you continue to lick at my length. i moan, loudly, as you slip a finger against my folds. the base of the cock and the leather of the harness rest against my mound, leaving my slit open, and my clit avaliable, and you realize this, sliding your finger up to find my aching clit, hot and burning with need. i buck my hips, causing the ever-hard shaft to jut into your mouth another inch, and i hear you groan.

your finger starts to rub, and i fight the urge to start fucking your face, jamming my cock down your throat, instead i just grip your head and buck against your mouth softly, shuddering as you easily bring me close to cumming, feeling the suction of your lips against the fake black cock. everything growing heightened, stiffened, aching, needy, and finally feeling the release i was craving, cumming hard against you.

you let me come down from my excitement, slipping your lips off my length, and i reach down to slide a finger against it, leaning down to kiss you sweetly, grinning against your lips, and knowing we’re not done yet.

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10.28

2007

The Past Week (aka Relationship Work for the Week)

This will make slightly more sense if you’ve read this first. This is the results of that post, or, what I did after that post, really, and what Master and I have been working on since, and etc. This is basically what has come of me getting all these frustrations out in the open, and what we have done, and how we are progressing.

Tuesday
After I posted the long complaining entry (and before work) I sent Master a series of rather long text messages describing what I wrote in there, for the most part. That was a venting of frustrations and emotions which lead me to be able to communicate exactly what I am actually wanting. Anyway, I sent him text messages, and mentioned for him to think about it, mull things over, etc. He replied that he thought rules and regulations were a good idea to set down as well.

Kat called me during work, and so I called her back afterwords. We had a good long talk about things, and I think I elaborated on the situation better to her on the phone than I had in my entry. We talked, and she validated my concerns in many ways, and it was very nice for both of us, I think. Getting off trax and heading to the bus stop I realized that Master was there at the bus stop, we met there mostly by accident. It was later than I usually get off work, and he had taken a different route home since he had missed the bus he would regularly take. So I said goodbye to Kat and Master and I began talking.

We were alone at the stop, so I ended up bringing up just about everything, but mainly focusing on what I needed and what I thought would help us change. He agreed on all points, and we agreed that we needed to change, which we come to over and over. I expressed by frustrations and my concerns about if things would even change and he expressed some of his concerns and frustrations, all and all it was good. He decided that he would make rules for me, and we got to a good place, but there was still more I wanted to talk about, but we had to get on the bus, and then I had to make dinner and our roommates were there, and then I had to do homework, so we didn’t quite get the opportunity to talk about everything that night.

Wednesday
We talked more Wednesday night, longer and much more in-depth. I cried, I expressed all sorts of concerns, he listened, he agreed, he contributed too (I swear this wasn’t all one-sided–though I mentioned how I felt all the work has been on my side and that I know he’s done some work but I’m always the one who brings it up, etc. He agreed). It was a very good conversation, and got out a lot of irritations and problems and fears and let them bubble on the surface for a while instead of under the surface.

He told me he had been working on a list of rules/regulations/expectations, and that they should be done Thursday, and that he would give them to me. He also told me he was working on a list for himself as well, and I told him I wanted that one as well and that we could help each other stay on track. Although the majority of the responsibility is on him, and we talked about this, I can also help to keep us on track, and it will be easier to do this now that I’m knowing what he’s wanting specifically, though I’m still worried that this isn’t want he wants, and this is something I’ve expressed to him numerous times. I reminded him that he should talk with Kat, that this would be good for both of them if they would, and he agreed.

Thursday
We didn’t talk much about it Thursday, but he gave me his list of expectations kinda lateish that night, I was working on homework most of the night, and once I was done he gave them to me. He’s still working on the list of his own. I read over it, but we didn’t really talk about it, I wanted time to think about them, read over them again, formulate questions, etc.

Friday
I tried to do all as I was instructed, and did rather well, he told me. I had a few minor infractions, but that’s normal. I’m still prone to irritability and he doesn’t want me to take it out on him when I am, and I’m trying not to… we started our horror movie marathon that night, and I did for him as he requested. It was really nice, though there were times I felt threatened by my roommate, as she did things for him that I was going to do sort of thing, but that’s my issue. I’m just so unstable in my role that any little thing is threatening. It’s irrational, really, as I know that just as I don’t want another Master he doesn’t want another pet, (though play partners is something else) but I’ve recognized the source of it and understand it and the more secure I get the less it will bother me, so I’m not worried, just need to work with it and get through it.

After the movies I was very tired, but we fucked anyway. It was quick as we were both tired, but it was wonderful, and I came a few times.

Saturday
We woke up kind of late, not too late, and fucked twice. It was great. He pinned me down at one point (which I love), and it was just amazing and perfect, and he initiated it (twice in a row too ’cause he did last night) and there was a sort of catharsis in the fucking that morning, more so than the night before, probably because we were both sober this time, I’m thinking, and we could get to that level of power exchange that we couldn’t when we were drunk. It was wonderful.

We then went to Long Life Veggie House, which is currently my favorite Chinese restaurant. It is all vegetarian, but they have fake chicken and such, much like my other favorite Chinese restaurant, Shanghai Cafe. LLVH has breaded strips of chicken for their lemon chicken and sweet and sour chicken and it’s so yummy and reminds me of when I was a kid, plus they have brown rice… anyway, off topic. He took the majority of the rest of the fried rice when I wanted more, and I was going to point it out but decided to keep my mouth shut because he could take what he wanted, and leaving me any was nice of him, it was his decision, and this is what my thought process was, which is HUGE, and not something I would have thought probably even the day before. I wanted to point it out to him, too, but I didn’t, because that would be like bragging about how good I was, heh. So I just kept my mouth shut and took what he had left me. I felt really good and happy about doing that. I felt like we were finally getting somewhere with this. I felt like I was finally doing right.

We came home and continued our horror movie marathon and I did as he told me all through the night, and was only difficult a few times, though a few times too many according to him, of course. I was trying, though, and got irritated a few times, I don’t remember why really. It was good, though. We went downstairs and watched an episode of House and decided we were too tired to fuck.

Sunday/Today
I woke him up by stroking his cock and he ended up cumming in my mouth. I made pancakes for breakfast and then some nachos since we weren’t quite full from the pancakes. We watched Firewall and cuddled and he had me do things for him, as he had the last two days, like get him drinks and whatnot. He made me give him some of my lemon sour fruit salad candy even though I had saved those for last and when I said so he said that therefore I should be honored to give them to him, since I thought they were the best. I just shut up and gave him two of the four that were left. After the movie I came down here and have been working on this entry.

I guess in some ways it doesn’t seem like we’ve changed, but internally it does. I actually feel submissive to him. He’s making me feel like a cherished pet, which I need, and a filthy whore, which I crave. I’m feeling more like his than I have in a while, and it’s wonderful. Thank you, Master, for changing this with me.

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10.25

2007

Breakfast

Read in Episode #3 of The Sacred and Shameless Sexcast.

You come up behind me as I’m working in the kitchen, making us breakfast after our long night of play, my body still tingling from waking each other up this morning, and my ass still sore from the beating I received the night before. Not because I was bad, much to the contrary, you just know what I like, and you made me ask for it this time.

I can feel you approaching behind me, but I do nothing, I just wait for you to slip your arms around me, and you do. I feel your lips slide against my naked shoulder, move to kiss my neck softly, and I melt back against you, the knife I was chopping garlic with falling softly to the cutting board. I slide a hand back to slip into your hair as you kiss my soft flesh. I love the way you make me feel, even just with a kiss.

You lift your head and I feel one of your hands move from my waist. my own hand moves to pick up the knife, to resume making breakfast, but halts, hovering before it as your hand slips in my hair and tugs my head back, exposing more of my throat to you, exposing me to you, making me vulnerable. I’m glad that I hadn’t started cooking yet and was still chopping things as you came down the stairs.

I let out a soft sound of surprise and you tug me around, making me turn and face you. My head still slightly back, trying to look at you. I see a smile on your face as you lower your lips back to my neck and kiss it again softly, for a moment, before letting your teeth sink in to the soft tender flesh. I inhale sharply and exhale on a moan, pressing my body against yours as your teeth dig into my flesh. My hands reach behind me to find the counter, my eyes close, feeling the pain flood my body with pleasure.

You release my neck and my hair, moving to kiss me hungrily, our passion rising again, not long since the last time. The garlic and vegetables forgotten on the counter, you move me backwards out of the kitchen and to the side of the table, moving me so my back is against the wall and pressing your body against mine, trapping me there, your lips finding mine again, our tongues twirling, swirling, mingling together in a familiar dance. My hands moving, in the meantime, between our bodies, already aching for you, finding your cock with my hands and stroking it softly.

Slowly, you break the kiss, and press down against my shoulders, silently ordering me to my knees. I brace myself back against the wall and slide down against it, looking up at you as I do, one hand still stroking your shaft as I fall to my knees in front of you. I slip my tongue from between my lips and slide it against the tip, swirling around it, tonguing it softly before taking the head in my mouth. I look up at you as I do, hearing your groan of pleasure, letting out a moan myself as I taste you, fresh from the shower we took together, but still tasting like you.

I relish the flavor, the texture of you in my mouth, sliding so easily between my lips, and I instantly want more. I slip my lips down, slowly, then back up, starting to move my head back and forth, my hand still holding the base of your cock for a few strokes before I slide my lips all the way down. Taking the entirety of your hardening cock between my lips I feel it press against the entrance to my throat and make me gag softly, but I hold there for a moment before sliding back, my hand moving to your balls and playing with them softly as I begin to repeat the process of taking you in my mouth. I can hear your noises of approval, and feel the ultimate approval now hard between my lips.

Your hand slides to my hair, but I continue what I’m doing, every so often stopping with just the cock head in my mouth and suckling on that, letting my tongue slip around it, playing with the spongy texture. I look up at you when I can, to see your face as I work you in my mouth, slowly, deliberately, both wanting to keep up the exquisite torture and to slam my lips down on your length and fuck your cock with my face.

Instead, you tug me back, off your shaft, my mouth still moving forward, wanting you back between my lips, but you have other plans. You urge me up and I look at you, curiously, before you guide me to the edge of the dining table. I smile, and have an idea of what is coming as you bend me over it at my waist, and I’m suddenly very glad that I cleared it off yesterday.

I wiggle my ass as it’s perched on the side of the table, just the perfect height for this, moving my hands beside myself, groaning as i feel you press against my slick hole, slipping easily inside of me, filling me up, full and perfectly. I lick my lips and grind back against you, feeling you slide your hands to my arms, tugging them behind my back and trapping them loosely together with a hand. I could move my hands away, but I don’t want to, the feeling of being helpless courses through me even though I’m not and it makes me want you even more, if that’s at all possible.

I feel you move within me, taking me, hard and fast, as you know I love to be taken. You slide your free hand forward, up my back and around to my throat, holding the back softly for a moment as you slide in and out of me, even as i grind myself back. I moan, cry out, loudly with each thrust. Your fingers slip around to the front of my throat, holding there for a moment, cutting off just a slight amount of air before sliding to my lips. I open my mouth to take them inside, but instead you move your palm over the open lips and move to pinch my nose with your fingers, I take in as much air as I can just before you pinch my nose, then hold it, because I’m unable to do anything else.

I can feel my hot cunt contract around your shaft as you continue to move within me. I hold my breath as long as possible without fighting and the moment I start to shudder and squirm away from it you let go, for a few moments, allowing me to pant and gasp for air before doing the same again. You hold a little longer this time, making my body shudder and fight against the hold on me, but your grip on my wrists tightens, and you don’t move your hand from my mouth and nose.

My body elates, but struggles back against the lack of breath, both loving and hating when you do this to me. Feeling you press into me so deliciously, aching for you to find that edge. I let a muffled groan escape against your mouth from the air I’m holding in as I feel your pace increase, driving me wild, but unable to make those sounds of pleasure which come so easily to me. You finally let go, and I gasp, pant, make a few groans of pleasure and annoyance as I’m able to, grinding back against you as I hear you chuckle softly at my eagerness, not curbed by the asphyxiation. If anything it heightened my arousal, you know this as well as I do.

You continue to move within me, faster and faster, every so often moving your hand over my mouth, taking your pleasure out on my body, and I love every second of it. Your movements designed to bring us both so much pleasure. I feel you getting frantic, close, and just before you do, you pull out and turn me around, surprised, I move easily for you.

Your hands move to my hair and you slam your cock into my waiting mouth, letting me taste my juices on your shaft as you start fucking my face as vigorously as you were fucking my cunt. Your grunts of closeness turn me on even more as I gag and choke on your cock, my throat letting out gurgles and grunts. I close my eyes tightly as you use my face so easily, waiting for that moment when you flood me with your essence.

I hear you groan, feel you shudder and slam into my throat, as I shudder as well, feeling you start to cum in me, your seed flowing down my throat, making me swallow it. You slowly pull out, but my lips wrap around your shaft and milk it for every drop, swirling my tongue around the tip and moaning softly against your flesh. I finally let go and grin up at you, your hand sliding to pet my hair softly.

“There’s your breakfast, my pet. Now,” you help me up, and turn me toward the kitchen, patting my ass softly, “let’s finish mine.”

I laugh and turn to kiss you deeply, wrapping my arms around you and pressing our naked bodies against each other for another moment, my release not forgotten, but postponed for the moment, as I know you will return in kind after we eat.

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10.24

2007

Hermaphroditic Drag Queen?

From my reading response for my Gender and Sexual Orientation class today. Losing Sue is about MtF transsexuals.

“One thing in Losing Sue that was interesting to me was the introduction of Della/Del, and him saying “I prefer being called “he,” but I don’t really identify as a man. I identify more as a hermaphrodyke.” Why does being something in between man and woman end up looking masculine? Is it because masculine is the powered gender and therefore feminine is the queer gender, and to be something in between you have to be less feminine? Does that even make sense? It makes me think of Wilchins in Queer Theory, Gender Theory who talks about, well, a lot of things, but when she talks about her own sexual reassignment and how it’s valid to say “I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body” but it’s not valid to say “I feel like a herm trapped in a man’s body.”

I know there is a debate regarding the gender binary perpetuation of transsexuals, and I think it comes out, partially, of what I’m talking about above. Regardless of what we try to accomplish, also, society ends up putting everyone in one of two categories: man and woman. If you don’t fit, we try to find out the “real” gender of the person, what they “really” must be, because people don’t get the facsimile of all gender, like we were talking about two class periods ago. I often feel like any gender outside the two binaries is a waste of time, and my gender specifically is because what am I challenging? Anything? I’m not sure if I could say that I feel “female” but, really, I don’t know what that means. I feel trans because even though I am genetically female I don’t think there is much that goes along with that, aside from my physical self, but that only goes so far. However, because I’m female and enjoy femininity it’s seen as more normal than most other things. Could I identify as a hermaphroditic drag queen? Sure. Would it do much to change the way society perceives me? Very little, unless I wore a button/shirt saying “I’m a hermaphroditic drag queen, ask me how!” But most likely people would just get confused.”

More about this later, perhaps.

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10.23

2007

Those Little Things

I’ve been thinking for quite a while about my position. For the longest time, since I started my journey into BDSM really, I’ve identified as a slave. Now, though, living with my partner, I wonder if that’s true. I push him, I test him, I try to MAKE him Dominate me. I wonder if this is a problem with me or a problem with him, or both, or neither.

I don’t have a passive personality, but I don’t believe that slaves have to have a passive personality, I think slavehood is based on servitude rather than fragility. I’ve known that I have a Dominant personality for a long time. It doesn’t always show, I’m very shy with new people, and I like to observe rather than participate most of the time, but I am a large and definite personality when I have need to be. I find myself having increasing difficulty making decisions, especially personal ones, but that is not really anything new. I like to let others I trust make some decisions for me.

The other night (Saturday), our roommate was watching Drawn Together with us (fabulous show) and Master got up to go to the bathroom, he said something like “I’d appreciate it if someone would fill my wine glass while I was gone.” And I made a flippant teasing comment (with the intention of filling it) that he could “fill it on the way back.” At this point our roommate got up to fill it for him, even though she wasn’t getting up for any other reason. I was hurt, and I realize now a bit more that it was my own damn fault, but it WAS my intention to refill his glass, I was just teasing and being a little bratty, which he’s told me he likes.

Then when we got downstairs, after a bit of doing other things, and after I did or said something, I was being kind of difficult (I was very hurt at that point) but I was also trying to joke. He then said something about how he wished everything wasn’t a struggle all the time, and I practically shut down. That wasn’t exactly what he said, I don’t remember the wording, but I retorted with “I’m sorry I’m so difficult” in a very childish and hurt manner. His comment, essentially, was just icing on the cake.

We kind of ignored the topic until we went to sleep (we were watching House for a while), after which we ended up talking about it. I cried, I was blaming myself, essentially, I was thinking of how I’m apparently not as submissive even as my roommate, who explained to me that she did that because she likes to help people, make them happy. I used to be like that… didn’t I? I used to, I thought. Maybe I’ve just been fooling myself all these years.

We talked about how I push at him, how I push to see where the line is, how I push to get him to Dominate me, and how when I do that it makes him want to not Dominate me, how it makes him pull away. I think a lot of the problem is that he is very inconsistent. He will let me get away with things sometimes and not at others. I don’t know what he wants from me, and I asked him about two weeks ago to give me some rules, some guidelines to follow to be his slave, and I haven’t received a damn thing.

I need consistency. I need all or nothing. I need someone who will Dominate me. Yes, sometimes I want to be forced into it, and sometimes I want to do it willingly, and the times I want to do it willingly, it seems, are the times that he doesn’t do it at all. I don’t know how to get him to Dominate me, and I am living in this middle ground. I need to know what I’m supposed to do or I’ll just keep pushing and he’ll keep moving away, and I’ll keep being miserable.

Maybe I’m not meant to be a slave, but I don’t think I’ll find out until he starts acting like a Master. He started to, we were doing really well for a short while, it seemed to me at least. And then we went to the damn party and he was drunk and I was irritated and he tried to Dom me while he was drunk a little and I don’t like that at all, I can’t stand it when he does when I’m sober, and that’s when he feels most comfortable to. I stormed off, he followed me, we had a long conversation, I cried, I don’t remember if I wrote about any of this. It was horrible, and I felt horrible, and these same questions came up.

I’m not putting this all on him. I’m sure it would be easier for him to be a Master to someone who wasn’t such a fucking brat, who didn’t push him at the time, who acted socially like a slave (whatever that means). I’m sure I could do more to help him, though the times I feel like I have tried, nothing has happened. But that may just be him not having recognized it, or me not recognizing his reaction, or a million other things.

By the time he usually gets around to Dominating me, too, or trying to, I am so livid that I won’t let him.

I just need rules. I need strictness. I need him to let me know what the fuck he wants from me. But this doesn’t seem to happen, ever.

We seem to talk about the same things over and over, and nothing changes, and I feel there is little that I can do because HE needs to set the rules, not me. I’ve given him training ideas, I’ve told him there needs to be consistency in what he says and what he does… what else can I do?

Truthfully, I’m trying to turn a Dom into a Master, and maybe it’s not going to happen.

And maybe I’m a sub wanting to be a slave too, and that is also part of the problem.

I don’t know. I have to go to work.

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