taiWelcome! I’m Tai Scarlet Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and prefer the pronouns ne/nem/nir or they/them. I spend a lot of my time thinking about sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, erotic psychology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
Read more about this site & me→


07.21

2008

My Queer Identity, Or: Problems of Visibility

Being part of the queer community has been something extremely important to me since I was in high school, though I came out in middle school. I have always been queer in one way or another. I was the fat kid growing up, always the largest in my class, always the one made fun of. I was the outcast. I embraced my queerness, my freakhood, by difference. I wanted to be different, it made me special. I enjoyed it, and I still do.

It was easier to be queer when I didn’t have a partner, or when I had a female partner. Now that I’m with a male, and specifically living with a male and being submissive to a male it is very difficult for me, and difficult to maintain my queerness when in many ways I look very heterosexual. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing, but for me it kind of is. I feel washed over, I feel like my queerness isn’t as easily recognized as I’d like it to be.

Sometimes even those who know my orientation do not credit it because of my current partner. I am forgotten about as queer, and it’s really something that hurts me when it comes from those close to me. I may be with a man, but that doesn’t mean I’m still not queer.

What comes into my queer identity? What makes it up? Kink and poly definitely inform my queerness, because they inform my sexuality and no aspect of my sexuality can be analyzed without the addition of all the other aspects. Really, no aspect of my sexuality can be analyzed without all other aspects of my identity taken into account, including gender and size, which is part of the reason why all those identities are subtitles to this blog, because it’s nearly impossible to understand me without understanding all those identities first.

It’s difficult to be femme gendered and partnered with a biologically male and masculine person and to still be labeled as queer. I can embrace the label all I want, and I can try to make that label known to the rest of the world, but that doesn’t always mean I will come off that way.

I can view the plus side of it, as it means I can walk in the heterosexual world and use terms like “partner” which is the primary way I refer to Master as to new people I meet, and which confuses people or makes people assume that my partner is female. This allows me to get into a dialogue about the term partner, about bi/pan/queer sexualities if I so choose.

Now, this is all well and good, and I do try to use it to my advantage as much as possible. I try to sneak in comments like “Just because I’m with a man doesn’t mean I’m straight” or “doesn’t mean I’m not queer.” There are ways that I can subtly influence those around me, but I often wonder if it is enough. If I constantly have to assert my identity, is it really worth it? But, then again, I have the same issue with my gender identity. Perhaps my identity fetish is just too advanced for easy identification.

I’ve read about similar experiences with other bi/pan/omni-sexuals and queers, and people with FtM lovers, and I know that I am not alone in this, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I know that this problem will not change any time soon, but maybe I can figure out a better way to deal with it.

07.17

2008

Because That's What All Feminists Are Like

I’m going to add my definitions of femmeinist and fucktoy to the masthead shortly, and I pondering adding “femmeinist” to the Urban Dictionary, so, of course, I took a look at how feminist is defined in there.

At this point in my life I really should not have been surprised at the definitions which were posted, which basically call all feminists sexist, hypocritical, mean, man-haters, etc. all those wonderful negative stereotypes. I really should not have been saddened or surprised, or have thought that it might be any different.

At least the #2 entry reads:

someone who believes the radical notion that women are people.
if you believe that women and men should have equal rights, you are a feminist. there’s nothing “extreme” about it.

That’s something, right? I urge you all to go to the definition of feminist in the Urban Dictionary and vote for that entry and vote down all the other entries which perpetuate negative stereotypes. While, yes, there are those feminists out there, they are not the majority (at least, not in my experience), they are just the ones which get the most coverage.

*Sigh* So, look for my definitions of femmeinist and fucktoy on the new masthead, should be coming within the hour. Also, I may add femmeinist to the Urban Dictionary, but I wonder if people would bash it as well? I definitely will add my definition of fucktoy (on UD as both fucktoy and fuck toy) however, since the definitions there are all degrading. I’m definitely not using it in a degrading manner.

Also, as a note since I’m mentioning site changes as well, I recently added a weekly poll to the top left sidebar, as well as links to my various wishlists (Amazon, VibeReview, Eden Fantasys, JT’s Stockroom, and Extreme Restraints) on the right sidebar under the buttons to my various profiles on other sites. I also added a list of affiliate links on the left sidebar (such as VibeReview, Eden Fantasys, Babeland, JT’s Stockroom, Extreme Restraints, and Amazon) which look rather similar to the wishlist links, of course, as these are the sites I often frequent and also highly recommend. I will shortly add a paypal donate link, just in case anyone feels generous.

07.16

2008

VibeReview Toys to Review!

I’ve just become a reviewer for the wonderful VibeReview “a classy and female-friendly Internet-based adult toy retailer and review site.” I have been looking around their site since it was brought to my attention, and they have some wonderful toys, you should all check them out!

I have just received information about my first round of sex toys, and I am very excited about them!

Remember my post about needing a femme cock? Well, this wonderful dildo is just about perfect! It wouldn’t be my main cock, but it doesn’t get much more femme than this: Vicky Venus is a Goddess-shaped silicone sex toy, how awesome is that? I saw her and immediately fell in love. Plus she’s scarlet! How perfect!

I’m also getting a gorgeous glass dildo, the Sensual Bulb which also looks very yummy, and has that cute purple bottom with a butterfly in it (also a femme toy, don’t you think?) and looks oh-so-delicious for g-spot stimulation. Personally, I adore glass dildos for the hardness and can’t wait to try this one out!

They’re also sending me the Miracle Massager and a Miracle Massager Attachment which will be very interesting to line up against the Hitachi and G-Plus. I love my Hitachi, but the Miracle Massager claims to be even better than the Hitachi, solving the heating issue and easier to grip. We shall see!

Last, but not least, the Silicone Crystal Cote which looks gorgeous and although it looks like jelly it’s silicone (the best sex toy material that isn’t glass or steel) with all those delicious little ridges and bumps it’s going to be a dream! It’s a suction-cup dildo, too, and I can just see the wonderful double-penetration scenarios… me fucking it and sucking Master’s cock, or the other way around… It’s going to be fun!

And they also threw in a Silver Bullet which I was not expecting. I’ve had a few bullets over the years, in fact, the very first sex toy I ever had was a glow-in-the-dark bullet which I bought from the Babeland store in Seattle (it was still Toys in Babeland at that point) with my sister one summer when I was visiting her. I have always loved bullets for their small size and being so easy to use for wonderful direct clitoral stimulation both solo or with a partner, so I’m more than happy to review this one as well!

So, look for all these reviews coming in the next few weeks. I’m sure I’ll let you all know when I receive them, and how well they work! A big huge thank you to Heather of VibeReview for allowing me this opportunity! (I wonder if she’s sick of me thanking her, as I have probably six or eight times in the last 24 hours)

07.16

2008

Review: G-Plus Massager Attachment

My second verified review for Eden Fantasys went up this morning, on the G-Plus Massager Attachment.

This massager attachment fits on spring-ball type massagers such as the Hitachi or Ideal and is shaped much like the Rock Chick, G-Rock or other vibrators which hit both the g-spot and clitoris. It is made of TPR (Thermo Plastic Rubber) which while it is phthalate-free, it is also porous and since this toy would be difficult to be used with a condom, it should not be shared.

The TPR material does add to the toy, however, it makes it very bendable. This can make it difficult to insert without lube, but with lube it makes it wonderful for moving the little 2″ nub onto the clitoris while the 4″ insertable length works inside.

Master and I had a wonderful time playing with this toy and using it on me until the sheet beneath me was covered in sweat! I can’t stress enough how much I love the Hitachi, or how much I think this attachment makes the Hitachi that much better. Read the complete review on EdenFantasys here!

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

07.14

2008

Bound to Struggle Vol. 3 Call for Submissions

Found via Subversive Submissive and thought I’d pass it along. I’m definitely going to add it to the list of things to write a piece for.

Bound to Struggle
Where Kink and Radical Politics Meet
Volume 3: Word Play
Call for Submissions – Deadline September 1, 2008

PURPOSE: To create a ‘zine that brings together the words of a diverse group of practitioners of both kink and radical politics

WORD PLAY: I’m interested in the words we use – when we are playing, when we are negotiating, when we are telling stories. The power/lack of language. The queering of words. The possibilities of words we thought were foreclosed to us. Reclamation, recreation.

YES: personal essays, comics, theoretical works, poetry; serious, funny, sexually explicit, fabulous, unfinished; clearly drawn art due to cheap copy machines

NO: grocery lists of anecdotes, using others’ names without their consent, photos (sorry, I don’t have the equipment necessary to replicate photos)

PLEASE: questions you may not have the answers to, analyses you can’t talk about in class or reading group, thoughts about power and sex that get more complicated the more they are dissected, turning readers on with your brilliance

SEND ALL SUBMISSIONS TO:

simon strikeback
1433 W. Lunt #IN
Chicago, IL 60626
s.strikeback@gmail.com

07.11

2008

My Femme Cock

Many years ago I bought a terra firma harness (with extender strap) and Leo (in black). I have used it many times (though not as many as I would like), on a few different partners, both male and female.

However, most of those partners and occurrences were few and far between. Recently, while Master and I were in England, I used it on him. We had talked about it for quite some time, but we never really got around to me fucking him in the ass. It was very fun, and may have been one of the catalysts to me discovering my Top/Domina side. Not that one has to be a Top if one has a cock, oh no. I know that is not true, and that is not what I’m trying to imply. However, for me, there was a bit of power that I was wielding due to being the penetrator and I not only got back in touch with my cock, but I also got back in touch with that side of me that enjoys wielding that power.

Honestly, when I bought my Leo he was a butch cock. I was much more butch in high school before figuring out my femme side and embracing it. I really did and do love butch genders, and I really enjoyed playing with a butch gender on my own body, something that I still play with on occasion, I do own a black pinstripe suit and a few ties, I do enjoy going to the drag king side of my personality, as opposed to the drag queen which is my primary gender expression.

So, while I still love my butch cock, he is not quite me anymore. I have also used him quite enough on myself, which seems a little strange for my cock to have been used inside me. Perhaps this is a small point, and I think it is in some ways, but it is what I feel. It’s not that I don’t think that I could use my cock within myself, I just have used it maybe too many times. I love Leo for me, and for packing, and for fucking, but it’s not my cock anymore, it’s a dildo.

My cock needs to be femme. And my new femme cock needs to be scarlet. My scarlet femme cock is going to be gorgeous, and will make my lovers salivate at the thought of it, and it will be my femme cock. My femme cock will have a femme expression as well. She will be fabulous and perfect. And I’m not limiting myself to just one femme cock, but I need a primary one.

I found a fabulous red glitter cock at Cahoots, a sex toy/novelty store not too far from my house. However, I’m not sure how I feel about having the balls attached. It could be interesting, but, may not be quite right. But I LOVE the red glitter. It kind of makes me think of The Wizard of Oz, which makes me want it even more. It is definitely a femme cock. The problem with it, too is it is jel-lee (which I would have to use a condom with, which isn’t horrible, but could be annoying) and I would much prefer a silicone cock.

The other I’ve been eyeing is General. The common problem of both of them is that they’re both rather thick (not to mention General is expensive!). That’s not always bad, and apparently I’m just drawn to having a big cock, which makes sense as it would fit the rest of me. However, I’m sure I would want to use it for anal play quite often, so that could be an issue. I would almost have to have a female partner before I could justify a cock which did not go well with anal play. Both dildos would be lovely for cock sucking, but I’m not sure how much Master is down with sucking my cock. My primary femme cock would need to be not as thick as the other two, but I would want to get the glitter one for style as well as function.

I’m enamored with Tiger as well as the P-Spot and Luxury. Perhaps getting P-Spot or Luxury and the Wizard of Oz (WoO) cock might be a perfect combination. The P-Spot is (as you could guess) made for the prostate, but I would guess that it would be nice for getting the g-spot during anal sex as well. The WoO cock may be best for receiving blow jobs and a nice vaginal cock (with condom). This may mean I need to invest in more condoms.

Any suggestions for other fabulous femme cocks for me to look at? I would like to refrain from the jelly if possible, but I have yet to find a cock as fabulous as the WoO cock.

07.11

2008

Fabulous Fat FemmeCast

Another wonderful femme resource found via Sinclair Sexsmith.

The FemmeCast is amazing, I’m listening to the third cast right now about fat femme self esteem. I absolutely love it. They just finished a segment about the Femme Conference which I still desperately want to go to! I wish I had money. Alas. If anyone out there needs a roommate I may be able to make it happen… I doubt it, though. Anyway, back to the cast info.

FemmeCast: The Queer Fat Femme Podcast Guide to Life is an audio newsmagazine for Queer Fat Femmes, Fatshionistas of all sexualities and Queers of all genders. Hosted by Bevin Branlandingham with a cadre of regular contributors, we’re discussing dating, fat fashion, social justice, friendships, sex, gender, tranny talk, culture, travel, community and feature new music by Queer artists. A whimsical This American Life meets a radical queer how-to novel with MTV generation timing, FemmeCast will keep listeners laughing, connected and inspired.

There is a lot of amazing information within this cast, and I can’t wait to listen to the other episodes. It has made me laugh and made me feel better about myself to hear all of these wonderful fat femmes and fat femme lovers talk about how awesome and fabulous it is to be/love a fat femme. I mean, how awesome is that? What would you rather listen to than something which will make you feel better about yourself?

07.11

2008

Top Sexy Bloggers

Rori from Between My Sheets is putting together a top Sex Bloggers of 2008. Here’s the info, direct from her site:

I was recently named on a list of the Top 100 Female Bloggers. I’m one of the few (possibly the only, I’m not done reading) erotica bloggers on the list. I’m honored to represent this category of blogging, but I feel like I’m just one in a sea of amazing erotica bloggers.
We talk about sex. We get people off. But we’re so much more. We’re some of the most honest bloggers out there, and the topics we’re discussing aren’t only about aiding masturbation.
So, I’m creating my own list – The Top Sex Bloggers of 2008.

I’d like your help. This list is going to be based on three things:
1. My personal opinion of the site (20%)
2. Your “ratings” (ie, PR, Alexia, etc) and survival rate (ie, how long your blog’s been alive) (20%)
3. Your fans, which I’ll take from who all nominated you below and the comments on your site (60%)

I have some very clear ideas in my mind as to who needs to make the top 100 list, but the Internet is huge and there are a lot of amazing blogs I’ve not read yet. So, I’m counting on you to nominate them!

Now, personally, I don’t think I’m as much a sexy blogger as I am just a sex blogger. Though, that would also depend on the definition of sexy. I think I approach things from an analytical side rather than an eloquent side, and me posting this is not me asking for a nomination. I’m not saying you can’t nominate me, I’m just not asking for it. But I know that many of you who come to my site are people who also frequent many other sex blogs, so, go nominate!

Nominate Some Sexy Bloggers!

07.08

2008

Labels: Useful but Often Problematic

I posted much of this (though not all of it) on my BDSM Theory group on FetLife last night. The post is here though I believe you have to be logged in to read it. On to the ideas.

I believe that labels are like nearly everything else: they have a purpose, but they are often used incorrectly. When thought of as finite and static they lose their purpose. The purpose of labels is to define someone at one particular moment in time.

We are ever-changing and ever-growing creatures. As is said: the only thing constant is change. Most contemporary psychological personality theory centers around the fact that personality changes over time and through different experiences and situations. There may or may not be some basic tenets to the personality and there may or may not be a biological component (as is debated often ad nauseam). However, just about everyone agrees that there are significant changes which happen over time in personality.

So, why would we want to think of ourselves in static finite terms? We wouldn’t! What fun would that be, to box ourselves in to one term or another, and yet we do it all the time. What are labels but nouns and adjectives? What are roles that we subscribe to but labels? The trap of labels is to believe that they are finite and never-changing, this is true of nearly any label.

The idea that we so often miss is that labels are a category, but not a be all and end all of what one person is or is not.

An example: you order a burger at a restaurant. While this is a burger, it could be made of beef, turkey, chicken, soy, vegetables, black beans, or something else entirely. It could come with: lettuce, tomato, onion, mushrooms, pickles, garlic, pastrami, bacon, swiss cheese, cheddar, pepper jack, provolone, smoked gouda, or any number of toppings. It could also have: mayo, mustard, ketchup, ranch, hummus, barbecue sauce, or any number of sauces. It could be served on: whole wheat, white, sesame seed, rosetta… I think you get my point. These combinations create an almost infinite number of variations under the common label of “burger.” So it is with any label.

Just because someone adopts the label of “queer,” for instance, or “slave” it does not mean that anyone else who inhabits these labels looks at all like this person. This queer slave could be male, female, transgendered, transsexual, masculine, feminine, genderqueer, etc. and may be a service slave, a sexual slave, both service and sexual, a brat, part-time, 24/7, a pro slave, live-in, or some combination thereof. This person could have various fetishes such as humiliation, force, objectification, boots, heels, non-sexual service, rope bondage, metal bondage, pain, or anything else. This person in other aspects of life could be a CEO, an artist, an auto mechanic, a teacher, a writer, a sys admin, a starship captain, or anything else.

I think you see my point with that as well. Labels are good for describing generic categories which someone is part of or embraces, but are not good for getting a specific idea of what the person is like, or even what they think, do, or feel. They give a general idea about one general area of a person, but everything else is up for grabs.

While I think we all know this to an extent, it is hard to get away from automatic categorization and stereotyping. I will be the first to admit that I often fall prey to stereotypes, though I have been working to train myself to ignore them, they are so ingrained in us that it is nearly impossible to get out of them. If we were to see someone was a 20 year old straight female slave, for example, I’m sure just from those four descriptors most everyone who read them formed an idea of the person. Even I did.

I think that labels are useful and necessary, and I definitely have a sort of OCD tendency to nitpick my own labels (so far as I have created my own label for myself as well) in order to best explain and express myself to the world, just as you said.

My point is that labels are often attached to other labels, when that may not always be the case, such as the thinking that if someone is x, y, and z, therefore they must also be a, b, and c.

07.08

2008

Mmmmm… Sugasm (#139).

My Sugasm post for this week was Impromptu Ravishment Play which seems like I posted it forever ago at this point. I have gotten a lot of positive feedback on it, even before the Sugasm, and I’m actually rather proud of it. I was hoping it would be featured, but probably not enough votes for that. ;)

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #140? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Flunking A Call
“I fell silent again and tried to think. What did he want?”

Revision
“He seemed… perfect. ”

Shaving, revisted.
“I don’t do it for society, for anyone who will or will not be seeing it. I do it for me.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice
Exploitation, objectification and breaking the law…

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

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