taiWelcome! I’m Tai Fenix Kulystin (previously known as Scarlet Lotus), I am a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and my pronouns are they/them. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the joys and pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

Outside of this blog I am currently finishing up a Master's degree to help me launch into my career as a Gender & Intimacy Coach and Somatic Sexuality Educator. I am passionate about working with people of all bodies, genders, sexualities, and relationship styles to help them move toward experiencing the (sex) life of their dreams.



Scarlet Seductions

Click here for the larger version

Popped my HNT Cherry! I wanted to do something very “me” for this my very first Half-Nekkid Thursday, so I put on my leather scarlet corset and scarlet and white polka dot skirt and grabbed my lovely scarlet and white Vicky Venus dildo and my terra-firma harness and took tons of pictures, though only a couple were really worthy of posting, as it goes.

I thought the whiteness of my thighs (I am a pasty white Alaskan, you know) along with the white and scarlet of the skirt and Vicky would look just lovely, and you can see some of my Bettie Page tattoo peeking out from under the skirt (the second “hidden” picture shows more of the tattoo and more of the corset). And just look at how cute the Vicky Venus dildo is! It is my favorite, I am so enamored with her. She’s even got a little belly button!

Taking these made me start to lust after the wireless remote control that Amazon has for my camera, and also a tripod. Neither of which I have, but both of which would be helpful for future HNT’s and photography in general.

One of the things I really want to do is take more pictures, but it’s difficult to take self-pictures (without a remote and tripod especially) and I have a lack of models. I much prefer models/portraits/people to landscapes and such. I suppose I could start advertising, but part of it is that I don’t feel ready to shoot models because I don’t think I’m “that” good yet. However, perhaps I just need to put that aside, because the more I shoot the better I will be.

Labels:, ,



A Wicked Tease

Master and I were lying in bed last night and I remarked that he had forgotten to turn off the light in the “office,” the door of which is next to ours in the corner of the small hallway in an L configuration ( | = our bedroom door _ = the office door). Since our door was open, light was coming in, and we like it to be pretty dark when we sleep.

He grumbled a bit, told me to do it, I teasingly refused, and he got up to turn it off. I told him I would have turned it off, but on his way back to the other side of the bed (his side is the side opposite from the door) he straddled my legs to softly grind his cock against my ass before lying back down. He then mentioned that if he hadn’t gotten up he wouldn’t have been able to tease me.

Two can play at that game, I thought, so I leaned over and down and licked at his cockhead before taking it into my mouth. I didn’t want to just briefly tease for a second, I wanted to get him hard and then move away and stop. I figured that would get him to fuck me, at least my mouth if not somewhere else. I bobbed my head a few times until I could feel him harden and tried to pull my head away.

While I was focused on teasing he had moved his hand behind my head, not so it was touching, but so that if I pulled away as I did his hand would catch me and not let me back up. My hair was in a bun, so he easily grabbed hold of that and dug his fingers into the hair around it, pulling at my hair whenever I tried to get away. It was deliciously painful, and because of it I decided to clench my teeth together so that he could not get his cock back in my mouth.

We struggled like that for quite some time. He pushed my mouth against his cock, he slapped my face with his cock, he grabbed and tugged at my hair and asked if I would be a “good girl” to which I frequently shook my head or replied with a “no.” He growled and pulled my hair more, making me whimper and cry out with the pain, twisting the bun so that it tugged at what felt like every strand.

He began to stroke his cock in front of me, and I could no longer resist the temptation of the now extremely hard shaft. I stuck my tongue out and wiggled it against the cockhead while he stroked, then took it into my mouth when he let me. His hand still gripping my bun as he began to fuck my face, or, more accurately, he began to forcefully stroke his cock with my mouth, tugging my head up and down by my hair.

It didn’t take long until he was groaning, grunting, and shooting his come into my mouth. I swallowed it like the good little cunt I am, and proceeded to lick and suck at it for a few moments longer, to make sure I had gotten every last drop.

We don’t often play with my cunt side, but it has been coming out more lately. It’s always delicious when it does. Master loves forcing me, and I love being forced, so it’s really a win-win. In an odd way it is also a way for my Domina side to (somewhat) come out during play with Master, as I can have somewhat more control over the situation, but end up being overpowered by him… but this is something to get into for another post.

Afterward he told me that I should know that I would not be able to tease him like he can tease me. Of course I knew that, but pretending is much more fun than just giving in to that fact.

Labels:, , ,



Some Structure for the Site

I’ve been thinking a lot about the structure of this blog, the intent, what I’m trying to “say” or do or what affect I’m trying to have, and I can’t answer all of those yet, but I’m working on it. This is more than just a blog for me to write about things going on in my life, because I use my livejournal for that (sort of, I’ve been slacking lately). This is more than just a blog for me to write things about BDSM, because I feel it encompasses more than that. I think that the sub-title really says it all. I do mainly focus on BDSM, but I try to post about each bit in kind.

So, in thinking about what I’m trying to say with this blog, I came to the conclusion that I lack the discipline (no surprise there) of posting as often as I would like. I think that in order to gain this discipline it may help for me to construct a list of days, call them nifty alliterated things and stick to the posting of them. This would also help me on the weekends or days when I have a lot of time which I can devote to the blog but have so much to write about I can’t decide on one thing.

I also added a neat plugin called Post Ideas which can keep track of my list of ideas of things I want to write about, and I can pull from that any time I may need to.

Obviously I wouldn’t be limited to these posts on these days, these are just a jumping-off point, and hopefully will help me focus my ideas and intentions. Also: I may not stick rigidly to these either, but I will try to post more often and something related to the day when possible. I may go completely off track, however, and don’t blame me if I do. These are guidelines, and not necessarily hard and fast rules.

My days:

Semantics Sunday – This would essentially be my definition of a word/phrase each week. Something related to one of the many identities which I explore within this blog (see: sub-title), which basically covers anything sexual, gender, bdsm, and poly/relationship oriented. Could be fun…

Masturbation Monday – A review of a sex toy! This may be in written or audio form (talking about the sexcast here), or possibly both. Most will be new, some may be follow-up information (if needed), some (if in audio) may be slight repeats. (Though there will be one this week that will not be on Monday since Monday already passed and I got my lot of sex toys from VibeReview on Friday!)

Temptress Tuesday – A post exploring the Domina personae or the cunt aspect of my cuntpet personae. The personaes who tempt, are tempting, and tempt others into action for various reasons.

Wicked Wednesday – A free-for-all post, really, about something I feel the need to blog about. Could be anything sexual, another Domina post, a cuntpet post, musings on BDSM in general, or something completely different! Random posts which do not fit into the structure go here, as long as they are somehow “wicked”!

Half-Nekkid Thursday – The well known and beloved way for sex(y) bloggers to expose themselves with more than just words. Many of you read my recent pondering regarding this phenomenon and now you know my answer. A lot of my decision was prompted by Ellie’s response to that post, and some of the ideas she brought up, and also prompted by my desire and need to use my Rebel XT more often. This will be fun…

Fucktoy Friday – A post exploring my cuntpet personae, either the fucktoy or pet aspect most likely, but also anything regarding sex and sexuality. Also a very broad category. Hopefully something salacious!

Saturday – None or free-for-all. Nothing specific, no alliteration, as I don’t tend to post on Saturdays (no bar against it, though, of course).

On a slightly side note (though I was talking about plugins before, so it’s slightly relevant), I also added an @reply plugin for comments, which can add an @Name to comments replying to other commenters. Also, the TwitThis plugin which you should see below this paragraph, which would allow you to tweet this post by clicking on it and logging in. It’s pretty neat (though I don’t wholly expect it to be used much (yet?), but I like it anyway).

Labels:, ,



Oh, Sugasm (#142)

Time for the Sugasm again. Yes, it’s Tuesday, and that’s when they do it! I submitted… oh, geez, was it just the last post? I’ve got to post those drafts I’ve been working on… well, anyway, I submitted Discoveries of the Domina for this week’s sex(y) bloggers round-up as Sugasm is. This time (for the first time) I included the picture along with the post. Why have I done that? Well, you’ll just have to wait for the next post (if I ever finish it) for an explanation. (changed my mind about that one, but…) I’ve been thinking (as I do) and I’ve got lots of plans ahead… You’ll see (if they ever make it from plans to reality).

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #143? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Interludes – part 3

“He winds the rope around his hands, smoothing the kinks, and I stand there, breathing a little faster, conscious of all those eyes upon me.”

Hurts So Good
“I want you to wear the badges of sweet distress for days.”

Shower fantasy
“You don’t want to admit it, but you want me.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice
Why I haven’t blogged about the Mosley case

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

lanjut →

Labels:, ,



Discoveries of the Domina

I dissected my submissive desires back in June with my Cuntpet Revisited post, and I’ve been exploring this Domina side of myself for quite some time, so I’ve come to some realizations. Nothing quite as profound or in-depth as the cuntpet analysis, but some interesting discoveries, nonetheless.

I’ve found that this journey of discovery has been difficult because I don’t feel like it’s something I can easily share with Master. I don’t have any desire to dominate him, and even if I did I doubt he would have any desire for me to dominate him. But, because of this, our relationship has suffered a little bit. We’ve talked about it, which has helped, but I know he still feels like it’s something that’s pulling us apart rather than bringing us together, and he’s right, but at this point there’s little I can do to change that.

That said, primarily this journey of mine has been internal, and a small amount has been online, on irc.bondage.com, a server I have frequented for many years. I have enjoyed the last few weeks, and my new Domina personae, although I want more. While I do believe that online is a fantastic place to explore new desires and fantasies, this needs to move beyond it. However, I would have to find a sub nearby to play with, and that could be tricky. I deeply enjoyed meeting new people at the play party last weekend, but entering in any relationship is going to be tricky. For now, my explorations will be primarily internal, and partially online.

Even though I have the desire to dominate someone, which is getting stronger all the time really, I’m extremely picky. This isn’t anything new, of course, it’s something I’ve known for quite some time, but it’s something that I am often amazed at. Even at my most horny, most desirous, most dominant states I am still picky as hell. It’s annoying, sometimes, because there are times when I just want to say “fuck it” and pick up the first sub I interact with and play, but I won’t allow myself to do that. I prefer to be picky, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t.

I am an extremely mental dominant. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to play with these desires (see above, re: picky), but I can’t imagine playing with anyone without knowing all the intricate details about their desires. Without knowing those it would be difficult for me to weave them around my little finger. While purely physical domination has it’s perks and appeals, there is something delicious about being able to implant yourself deeply into someone else’s mind.

Perhaps it steams from my knowledge and love of psychology, or perhaps my love of psychology stems from my mental domination desires. I’m not sure, really, it’s like the chicken or egg question. I do know, however, that my knowledge of psychology will come in handy for all future mental endeavors. I love the idea of delving into the mind of another and planting all sorts of fun ideas for use later. Playing and toying with someone until all they can think about is me… that brings me to my next point.

I’ve talked many times about my own control freak nature, and I believe this is deeply rooted within my mental domination. I highly enjoy control, both having none and having all, and it’s difficult for me to have anything else. I love total power exchange, regardless of the side I’m on. I am a control addict as well as a control freak, though maybe in some ways they are the same thing.

I am also a rather sadistic dominant. This, too, is not a surprise, really. I’ve had sadistic impulses for a long time, although I haven’t always embraced the term. I’ve always loved biting others for the reaction it gets, I’ve loved spanking and hair pulling, and all sorts of other pain-inflicting things. I curbed these desires, or attempted to, while I was trying to be a “good sub” (whatever that means). I found them coming out in little ways, biting Master being the majority of them.

Within the online realm, I can’t stand when people have “Master” “Mistress” “Lord” etc. as part of their usernames/handles. “Miss” is a little mixed for me, but that’s pretty much the only one. Why do some dominants feel the need to add a title to thier nick? I don’t really understand it. I’ve thought of using the nick MissScarlet, but only for humor purposes (makes me think of Clue, of course). Perhaps this is a little point, and I’m sure it ties in with my ideas of honorifics in general, but it’s rather annoying. It just screams that someone isn’t secure in their role, so they have to shout it to the world instead of exuding it from themselves.

I also can’t stand a large amount of submissives. I knew this already, but now I can’t stand them from a different perspective. I hate what I call “yes subs” by which I mean, submissives who can’t give a straight answer, who answer “whatever Lady wants” or “whatever pleases You” when you ask them a direct question. I understand the reason for it, to an extent, but when I ask a sub what they enjoy, I don’t want to hear “whatever You would like to do to me, Miss” or something like that. The reason for it is to help reinforce submission. I believe it can be a useful tool in training, but not when you first meet someone. It’s ridiculous to tell someone that you don’t know very well “I like what you like” because, well, you don’t know what they like!

I also can’t stand being called Ma’am, but, that’s another issue all together.

I want a real human being. I don’t want a doormat, and I don’t want a “yes sub,” and I don’t want someone who won’t state their own opinions and their own desires. I want someone… well, like me, isn’t it?

Labels:, ,



Would it be too Sexy?

Something I’ve been pondering for a while is to start participating in Half Naked Thursday. For one thing, I have my face on the blog already, so it’s not like I’m searching for any sort of anonymity. And I am working on becoming more comfortable with and proud of my body, so perhaps this would be a good thing to start exploring. I know that many of the bloggers that I read who participate often mention that the positive feedback has done wonders for their self-esteem.

But, then again, my hesitation comes less from a place of being unsure of showing off my body and more of a place of where my blog comes from. I’ve been thinking about Ellie’s post on sexy bloggers vs. sex bloggers and I’m really not sure which I am. I think I’m a sex blogger, because I don’t really see my writing as sexy, but it’s definitely sex-centered.

This is something I also grapple with every Thursday, really, as midnight is the deadline to apply for the weekly sugasm. I look over the (usually only a few) posts I’ve done in the last week since the last sugasm, and most weeks I don’t seem to have a good post for it. I see sugasm as needing sexy bloggers, not just sex bloggers. I’ve posted sexy posts before, but they’re less frequent. I tend to be highly analytical in my discussion about sex and sexuality, as opposed to just giving it all out. The last few sexy posts I’ve made were hardly graphic.

I know that I am a good blogger (at least, I like to think so), but am I a sexy blogger? I guess I come to what Ellie came to in her post, that I try to be smart, and I do believe that thinking and smarts and analyzing sexuality is sexy. But it’s sexy to a very specific group of people. Is that bad? I don’t think so. But does that mean that everyone who stumbles across my blog will think it’s sexy? I’m not sure, honestly. Though, then again, that kind of sweeping generality isn’t something that I usually like to talk in. I don’t know if anyone could really say that about their blog. Even those who I look up to and admire all fit within a certain niche.

I’m not an eloquent word craftsfemme, my analytical and nitpicky (Virgo) nature doesn’t always lend itself to beauty in it’s verbosity, just verbosity. Even when I do talk explicitly about a sexual encounter it is usually in a very frank and outright nature, not something that elegantly wraps around your mind like silk or leather and demands for you to continue reading because if you stop the beauty would be lost to you. It doesn’t make you burn with the desire to dive into the situation, it’s aloof and candid.

Again I wonder: is this a bad thing? Obviously for me it isn’t, as it wouldn’t be mine if it was any other way. I definitely feel that my eloquence may come with time, and that I may or may not become more eloquent as I grow and change. For the time being, however, I’ll stick to what I know. Hopefully that’s sexy blogging to just the right people, and sex blogging to everyone else.

Back to the original topic of the Half Naked Tuesday. It’s not that I think participation in HNT is mandatory for sex bloggers, of course I don’t! But the issue/question here is whether or not it’s right for me and for this blog. There’s nothing wrong with it, and, in fact, I think it’s fantastic when others participate in it. I love viewing sexy pics of the sexy people that I read on a regular basis. I think it’s fantastic to show that. I’m just not sure if I want that to be part of my blog. Although I would like to participate, I wonder if it’s something that would add to my blog. Or does it even matter?

Would adding HNT pics change my blog from a sex blog to a sexy blog?

Labels:, ,



The Hermit Peeks Out From Her Shell

Master and I went to a play party this weekend. It’s the first one either of us had ever actually been to, and hopefully it won’t be the last. Despite having explored BDSM for the last ten years or so I’ve never been anywhere that had an active community that I was a part of.

Juneau, Alaska, where I grew up, has virtually no community, if you look on FetLife there are only three users from there as of now (and one of them signed up last night–I get to greet him today). The next place I lived, Ashland, Oregon, was also a small town. While there is a group in Medford, which is not too far away, I didn’t have a car so it was difficult for me to get involved with that group. I did join the mailing list, but never attended any gatherings.

Master is quite the same way, he’s never been involved with the local community, despite having lived here for nearly nine years. He’s been busy in other communities here and just hasn’t gotten out much in the BDSM community. He’s been exploring BDSM for longer than I have, though has never been part of a community offline. Both of us are rabid online junkies, after all that is how we met, and we have been in online communities for quite some time.

I really enjoyed the play party, although Master and I didn’t end up doing anything during it, but we observed and got to know new people. I really hope that we get to go to another one, and I think we will. I would like to get involved in the community more here. I went to a class of the local group as well a couple weeks ago, and that was… interesting. Honestly it wasn’t the best class to go to, but it wasn’t horrible. I think it could be beneficial to go simply to meet people. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind skipping the classes and just going to play parties.

One of my big problems with living here in Salt Lake is that I have a really hard time clicking with people. Partially, I think, that is because I have a really hard time opening up about myself and being relaxed. It’s difficult for me to open up and talk about things that interest me when I’m not sure who would be offended, etc. Even some of the most liberal people I’ve met here are not people that I could really open up to.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately that what I want to do with my life is teach, but specifically, teach about sex and kink, educate and go to conferences and do all that. It’s hard work, and I know it would be, but it’s what I think I would want to do. I’ve been planning on psychology, but the part of it that fascinates me is sexuality. I want to be the next Carol Queen or Midori or Tristan Taromino or all of them and me.

Tangent aside, back to the play party. I didn’t get to know many people, though I am working on getting better acquainted with those who we came with, and one girl here who I keep bumping into at these things (and we are mutually following on twitter as well). The three of them are people I really want to get to know much better. There were others there, too, who I could see myself getting to know, though I didn’t interact with them as much. Both Master and I were very much observers and listeners, getting the lay of the land, so to speak.

These are the people I was missing! I just hope that these are people who I can start having sexual philosophical discussions with and deep intense conversations. I think they are, I know two are, I think the rest would at least have some interest as well. We shall see how things progress. We still have about six months in this city, maybe more depending on our financial situation, and I really do want to get to know more people and get in with this group.

It’ll be good to expand our social network. And, hey, who knows, maybe we will end up hosting a play party of our own.

Labels:, ,



It's That Sugasm Time Again! (#141)

My Sugasm entry this week was my post on My Femme Cock (below the cut). I had quite a few more people looking at it than my previous ones, perhaps because it is not in the BDSM category this time, but in the category simply about Sex and Relationships.

I missed participating last week, but I barely squeezed in to this week, and hope to continue participating. It is a wonderful way to encourage blog traffic both to and from my site, so I’m all about it! I have many posts in the workings, and plan on spacing them out over the week, so look for all the posts coming soon!

On to the sugasm:

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #142? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Comedy vs. Tragedy

“Are you on your period? What? Did he just say…”

Ian, or, Sometimes Sex is Hilarious
“In short, it isn’t sex blogger sex.”

A Wish
“I wish that you could know the indescribable pleasure of being enfolded in your warm, gentle wetness.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice
Road Rage

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

lanjut →

Labels:, ,



My Queer Identity, Or: Problems of Visibility

Being part of the queer community has been something extremely important to me since I was in high school, though I came out in middle school. I have always been queer in one way or another. I was the fat kid growing up, always the largest in my class, always the one made fun of. I was the outcast. I embraced my queerness, my freakhood, by difference. I wanted to be different, it made me special. I enjoyed it, and I still do.

It was easier to be queer when I didn’t have a partner, or when I had a female partner. Now that I’m with a male, and specifically living with a male and being submissive to a male it is very difficult for me, and difficult to maintain my queerness when in many ways I look very heterosexual. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing, but for me it kind of is. I feel washed over, I feel like my queerness isn’t as easily recognized as I’d like it to be.

Sometimes even those who know my orientation do not credit it because of my current partner. I am forgotten about as queer, and it’s really something that hurts me when it comes from those close to me. I may be with a man, but that doesn’t mean I’m still not queer.

What comes into my queer identity? What makes it up? Kink and poly definitely inform my queerness, because they inform my sexuality and no aspect of my sexuality can be analyzed without the addition of all the other aspects. Really, no aspect of my sexuality can be analyzed without all other aspects of my identity taken into account, including gender and size, which is part of the reason why all those identities are subtitles to this blog, because it’s nearly impossible to understand me without understanding all those identities first.

It’s difficult to be femme gendered and partnered with a biologically male and masculine person and to still be labeled as queer. I can embrace the label all I want, and I can try to make that label known to the rest of the world, but that doesn’t always mean I will come off that way.

I can view the plus side of it, as it means I can walk in the heterosexual world and use terms like “partner” which is the primary way I refer to Master as to new people I meet, and which confuses people or makes people assume that my partner is female. This allows me to get into a dialogue about the term partner, about bi/pan/queer sexualities if I so choose.

Now, this is all well and good, and I do try to use it to my advantage as much as possible. I try to sneak in comments like “Just because I’m with a man doesn’t mean I’m straight” or “doesn’t mean I’m not queer.” There are ways that I can subtly influence those around me, but I often wonder if it is enough. If I constantly have to assert my identity, is it really worth it? But, then again, I have the same issue with my gender identity. Perhaps my identity fetish is just too advanced for easy identification.

I’ve read about similar experiences with other bi/pan/omni-sexuals and queers, and people with FtM lovers, and I know that I am not alone in this, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I know that this problem will not change any time soon, but maybe I can figure out a better way to deal with it.

Labels:, , ,



Because That's What All Feminists Are Like

I’m going to add my definitions of femmeinist and fucktoy to the masthead shortly, and I pondering adding “femmeinist” to the Urban Dictionary, so, of course, I took a look at how feminist is defined in there.

At this point in my life I really should not have been surprised at the definitions which were posted, which basically call all feminists sexist, hypocritical, mean, man-haters, etc. all those wonderful negative stereotypes. I really should not have been saddened or surprised, or have thought that it might be any different.

At least the #2 entry reads:

someone who believes the radical notion that women are people.
if you believe that women and men should have equal rights, you are a feminist. there’s nothing “extreme” about it.

That’s something, right? I urge you all to go to the definition of feminist in the Urban Dictionary and vote for that entry and vote down all the other entries which perpetuate negative stereotypes. While, yes, there are those feminists out there, they are not the majority (at least, not in my experience), they are just the ones which get the most coverage.

*Sigh* So, look for my definitions of femmeinist and fucktoy on the new masthead, should be coming within the hour. Also, I may add femmeinist to the Urban Dictionary, but I wonder if people would bash it as well? I definitely will add my definition of fucktoy (on UD as both fucktoy and fuck toy) however, since the definitions there are all degrading. I’m definitely not using it in a degrading manner.

Also, as a note since I’m mentioning site changes as well, I recently added a weekly poll to the top left sidebar, as well as links to my various wishlists (Amazon, VibeReview, Eden Fantasys, JT’s Stockroom, and Extreme Restraints) on the right sidebar under the buttons to my various profiles on other sites. I also added a list of affiliate links on the left sidebar (such as VibeReview, Eden Fantasys, Babeland, JT’s Stockroom, Extreme Restraints, and Amazon) which look rather similar to the wishlist links, of course, as these are the sites I often frequent and also highly recommend. I will shortly add a paypal donate link, just in case anyone feels generous.

Labels:, ,