Purveyor of Pleasure

Delving into my humanity and the joys and pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

Page 50 of 65

The Day We Met

A couple weeks ago Master and I had one of our three anniversaries. Yes, one of the three. Now, I’m not big on anniversaries, I don’t demand gifts or things like that, and this last anniversary passed with little recognition until a few days later when I realized it had passed. I do like anniversaries for the sheer and simple fact that it is a way of marking the time we have spent together, a way of remembering the day we met, or the day we collared, or the day I moved a few hundred miles East to be with him (those are the three anniversaries if you didn’t figure).

I like remembering the day the anniversary celebrates, so I thought to commemorate the anniversary of the day we met face-to-face (which was actually two weeks ago, July 29th) I would tell you a little bit about that day.

First, to tell you about the day we met face-to-face I have to give a little background about how we met and all that other stuff. I have a little bit of it written in my about page but it doesn’t go into great detail. I haven’t really talked about how we met in this blog yet, just where we are now.

Master and I met online on irc.sexnet.org in late 2004, December or so. I had just gotten out of a relationship and was rather sour on relationships in general, he was still married and rather sour on relationships in general as well. I had been told by a friend of mine that he thought I was one of “Pan’s girls” (Master goes by Pan or Pantos online) as in, someone that he scened with on a regular or semi-regular basis. I had never really interacted with Pan although we had similar friends and had seen him around since 2002, so I told him that, and he was surprised because, as he said, Pan and I have really similar desires and sexual tastes.

Needless to say I was intrigued. I made it my intention to get to know Pan better, to talk to him, see if we really were as compatible as J had said. Obviously we were otherwise I wouldn’t still be with him three and a half years later. We began talking, just getting to know each other at first, and then it moved to more. We both declared that we didn’t want a relationship, that we would just be friends and have fun online and chat on the phone and whatnot, but that we weren’t looking for anything serious. I had a crush offline that I was trying to subtly get with, and I talked about her with him, and we got to be good friends.

We talked about him coming to see me in March of 2005, though only idly, and so it didn’t really happen. We were in and out of touch for quite a while, talking most days but not quite every day, that usual online stuff. One night in June we were talking (he was drunk) and he told me that he loved me, that he was in love with me. I was surprised because we had sworn to each other that we would be just friends, but not that surprised because I had suspected he felt for me more than a friend. I knew I felt for him as well, and him telling me that allowed me to feel what I felt for him. I told him I loved him as well, and we started talking about him coming to meet me.

I moved in June, and went home to Alaska for a couple weeks, and then when I came back to Ashland we started seriously planning. He was going to come over on the weekend of the 22nd, arrive Friday night then leave Sunday night, be back home in time for work the next day and all that. He wasn’t able to get on a flight that weekend, he was flying standby at that time as his (ex)wife works for Delta and so he got free flights. And a side note on the wife thing, they were polyamorous, and she knew about me. He was not cheating and I wouldn’t have been with him if he had been. However, I did know that he had been unhappy with her for a few years prior to us being together, so I was a catalyst–though not the reason–for him eventually leaving her.

Back to the story. He wasn’t able to get a flight on the 22nd, which we both bemoaned, and catching a flight the next day would just not be good enough, since we would have even less time together. Since the Medford airport is so small there was only one flight from SLC to Medford a day, so it wasn’t like he could hop on a flight an hour later. We grumbled and were upset but he told me that he would try again the next weekend. And so, on July 29th, 2005 he hopped on a plane from SLC to Medford, then took a taxi to my apartment and knocked on my door.

I remember I had dressed up for him. I put my hair in pigtails, wore a black button-up shirt and my short yellow and green plaid schoolgirl skirt with thigh high fishnets and a garter belt. I was looking hot, and I knew it. I had just moved into the apartment and had very little furniture at the time, though I did have a bed upstairs, and a chair and futon in the living room, but that was it. The living room was large and spacious with just a few scraps of furniture in it. I opened the door, we said hello, he set his luggage down, and then we proceeded to maul each other. He pressed me against the door, we kissed hungrily, he slid his fingers under my skirt…

The first meeting is somewhat of a blur, honestly. I remember kissing him seconds after he came through the door. I remember us not making it two feet before just getting down and fucking right in the living room. He had me kneel and take his cock in my mouth while still against the door, then we moved and he fucked me from behind, my cunt and my ass. It was a whirlwind of excitement for the both of us. Nearly eight months of foreplay had led us up to this point, and there was no way we were leaving any inch of each other untouched.

I remember cuddling up next to him lying there on the floor of my living room, both of us spent and happy after an uncountable number of orgasms. We were cuddling my favorite way, him on his back and me on my side facing him, my head fitting right in that nook that still feels like it’s made for me. We were grinning like fools and so amazingly happy, and all I could think was how perfect we fit together.

Review: The Miracle Massager Attachment

VibeReview has announced their support of Obama and part of their support is to give to all you Obama supporters The Obama for President Coupon which will give you a whole 10% off of your next order with them and is useful up through election day! So, if you are planning on buying anything from VibeReview be sure to click-through to their site through The Obama for President Coupon so that you can get 10% off!

Last week I reviewed the Miracle Massager, and I was definitely pleased with it (not as strong as the Hitachi Magic Wand but still yummy vibration-wise and superior in other areas). So, this week it’s my turn to review the Miracle Massager Attachment, which is made out of clear PVC. I would like it a lot better if it was made out of silicone, as PVC and, specifically jelly as is the sub-category of PVC which this toy is made of, is extremely porous so it should not be shared.

Now, I’ve read a few reviews of the attachment, including people saying that they love the Miracle Massager even more with it, and I wish I could give it a good review. Unfortunately, my problem with the Massager Attachment is one of anatomy.

Let’s back up a little, however, so you can have more information about the attachment before I go into my issue with it. I found it gorgeous, I love see-through toys (glass or otherwise), and the shape is appealing as well. It has a nice ridged end, perfect for g-spot stimulation, as well as a platform extending out of that with lots of little “love nubs” which is just fantastic for clitoral stimulation.

As one can assume, the attachment is made so that one can have that dual-action feeling, a nice g-spot vibration as well as a stimulating clitoral massage. Unfortunately, as can be the problem with a lot of dual-action toys, when I inserted the toy the nubby platform did not line up with my clit! I had to move the toy around and maneuver it just right so that it hit my clitoris, but when I did that, it pulled out of my vagina almost all the way.

Like I said, this is an issue of anatomy, specifically my anatomy, and there are others who find this toy to be perfect and to line up just right. The nice thing is that this attachment is fairly inexpensive, so if you already have the Miracle Massager and want to try this toy out, I would still highly recommend it. It may line up perfectly, but even if it doesn’t you won’t have spent a whole lot of money on it.

However, even if your anatomy is like mine this toy doesn’t have to be a complete waste! While, yes, I was unable to have both clitoral and g-spot stimulation happening at once I was still able to achieve orgasm with the nubs on my clit and the first inch or so of the shaft inside of me. I was still getting combined vaginal and clitoral stimulation, and since the first three inches or so of the vaginal walls are, they say, the most sensitive, it wasn’t a complete loss.

Also, if you happen to have something like the silver bullet lying around (review two weeks from today) you can make the toy work for you by using the Miracle Massager Attachment for it’s g-spot capabilities, letting the nubs rub the vulva and urethra area (the vulval vestibule), and then using the glorious silver bullet for direct (or indirect, if that’s your desire) clitoral stimulation. I found that to work quite well as well!

Personally, I would much prefer using the Miracle Massager as a direct clitoral stimulator accompanied by my Vicky Venus (read my review here), or (if I’m wanting that g-spot stimulation) a g-spot toy like the Stubby G, Gigi or Iris (none of which I own, but I aspire to!).

Sex Toys and Vibrator Reviews at VibeReview

Psst… don’t forget about The Obama for President Coupon!

Catalina Loves A Raffle

Now, I don’t usually re-post things like this, however this situation is absolutely ridiculous! The wonderful and gorgeous Catalina, who I am now working on a couple projects with and have been getting to know over the last few months, is in need of some help.

The short of it is: Catalina left her teaching job early this year due to a lifestyle conflict with the administration and in order to avoid a public scandal. Her teenage daughter still attends the school, and the only way she is able to attend this private institution is through the agreement Catalina made when she left. Her daughter is able to remain at the school paying tuition with the faculty discount because “all faculty are offered one more year for their children at the faculty tuition discount as a way to avoid disrupting their children’s lives too much.” This seems reasonable, no? However, the administration has decided that they needed to add a large amount of fees onto her bill as well (for the first time) which is due in the next week. You can read the full tale here, which is much more detailed.

Now to the helping part. While Catalina is in need she is not asking for something for nothing. In addition to getting the happiness of being able to contribute and help a horrible situation if you donate you also get the chance to win prizes. “Catalina’s Emergency Tuition Fund Raffle” is what she’s calling it and every $10 you donate buys you a raffle ticket. There are some great prizes donated by Lochai and Ellie Lumpesse that I’m sure many of you would love to have (I know I would!).

Go to her website for the full information and all the details on how to enter the raffle!

Semantics Sunday: Gender Galaxy

One of the terms I have in my lexicon but also something that I could expound upon for quite some time. I was talking with someone recently about my idea of the gender galaxy and she said something about liking femininity, not wanting to give it up. I kind of balked at her and asked how that was what I was saying at all. I find it so ridiculous that people assume that taking gender off of a binary means that femininity must go away.

On one hand, it makes sense, because a lot of the work of the feminist movement has been, basically, to do the same work as patriarchy and discredit femininity only from the other side of it, discrediting it from the inside, because it’s constructed. One thing I love about the idea of performativity is that it names everything as a performance, the constructed nature about the way we think about gender, but it doesn’t mean that we all don’t have some sort of pull toward one or many types of gender expression.

But, I digress. The term “gender galaxy” first appeared in Expanding Gender and Expanding the Law: Toward a Social and Legal Conceptualization of Gender that is More Inclusive of Transgender People by Dylan Vade, published in 2005 in the Michigan Journal of Gender and Law. He says:

I suggest a non-linear alternative conceptualization, which I call the gender galaxy. The gender galaxy is a three-dimensional non-linear space in which every gender has a location that may or may not be fixed. For instance, butch woman is one particular gender location. Feminine FTM is another gender location. These are two different valid gender locations that are not linearly related.

The article is fascinating, and I highly encourage you to read it as well, for further information of his explanations. He mentions that generally when we try to go away from the two options of (he uses male and female but to me those are sex categories rather than gender, and so I would say masculine and feminine) gender we move it onto a spectrum instead of just a one-or-the-other option. However, moving it onto a spectrum means it is still grounded in that binary, and his idea of a gender galaxy is moving away from that, as mentioned in the quote above.

Gender galaxy is a term that Sinclair of SugarButch has written about and defines, and I highly encourage all you who haven’t to look at his brilliant writings on the subject. One of the best examples of his writing about the gender galaxy comes from his telling of his journey of learning how to navigate within the gender galaxy and finding his identity as butch:

It took such a long time for me to come to comfortably sit in this butch identity, for me to (if we’ll continue the metaphor) navigate the gender galaxy, and find a comfortable orbit around an identity label. Some of us don’t ever settle into that – some of us are radical little spaceships that explore treasures from all sorts of different worlds and words that we orbit. I guess the trick is, in my opinion, to simply find the routes that are the best to navigate (not necessarily the easiest, but the most satisfying), the orbits where there is plenty of oxygen, the alliances that create treaties and share resources and have excellent adventures.

We basically have to make our own gender galaxy maps. And while some gender mapmaking tools – queer theory, gender theory, postmodern theory, queer literature, smut and the language of lesbian desires – while some tools help immensely, I still couldn’t quite escape the praxis, the application of the theory, because of the ways that the social constraints and social policing affected my own process deeply.

I’m working on a post of my own personal galaxy map to femme, how I’ve gotten here, what it means to me, and I’m hoping to be done with that soon. In the meantime, you have Sinclair’s to reference and my ideas of gender galaxy to ponder, as follows.

Basically I see the gender galaxy as having lots of little solar systems, with the sun or focal point of that solar system being a certain gender identity. There are some people who stay in orbit around one sun. Some are closer than others, like the difference between Mercury and Jupiter, and some are farther away and have irregular courses like Neptune. Still others are asteroids or comets, moving around multiple solar systems, moving through the gender galaxy itself without one focal point or another. Some people may inhabit two planets or three or four. The beauty of the gender galaxy is the limitless amount of possibilities.

Obviously, as my own gender identity includes femme and therefore includes femininity (or, femmeininity) I am not anti-femininity, nor do I believe that gender should be abolished or that the gender galaxy is getting rid of gender, on the contrary. Gender is even more emphasized in some ways in the gender galaxy, except instead of confining it the gender galaxy makes gender overly available. Opening up gender from a gender binary or even a gender continuum to a gender galaxy makes it so that there are no expressions of gender that are considered incorrect. We would no longer be able to fail at gender, either, as there is no set limits as to what gender is or could be.

Another Slight Semantic Difference

So I, basically, shun the word “slave” as many of you may know, and yet I still use the term Master. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and the more I think about it the less I like the term “Master.” It implies some of the same things that “slave” does, only from the other end of it, my problem thus far as been the lack of a better term.

The terms Sir and Lord just are not that appealing to me either. I can appreciate the appeal, but I just don’t have a strong tie to either of them, so they don’t do much for me. While I can understand the desire for either, neither of them click with me, they don’t seem quite fitting. I hear Sir flung around like crazy online, and Lord just seems like a little much.

I like the term Owner, it’s a little more neutral than Master, though has similar connotations, not all of them bad, however. Owner is closer to what I want than Master is, but it’s still not quite right. It sounds strange to call someone Owner, such as “Owner just said something funny,” it doesn’t quite work the same way Master does, it just sounds a little funny.

I like the term Dominus as well, technically it means both Lord and Master, and doesn’t have all the same connotations as Master or even Owner does. I talked extensively about my use of the term Domina just last Sunday, and I feel similarly with the term Dominus, it’s regal and delicious. I left the post by asking about why people don’t use the term Dominus, and maybe I will begin to. The problem with Dominus is similar to Owner, “Dominus just said something funny,” sounds strange as well. Perhaps I just need to either shift my perspective on it, or choose one.

The biggest component of this, really, is how Master/Owner/Dominus feels about it. I haven’t really talked to him about it, but I plan on it. I like referring to him by a title, as he is the only one which I do call by a title. It takes a lot for me to call someone by a title, just as it takes a lot for me to say anything which I mean and which could make me in the least bit vulnerable. He is one of the few people that I have ever called Master, and possibly the last.

Caned and Bruised, Never Satisfied


Click for the larger version

For my second HNT I wanted something, again, which is going along with another post of mine. I just yesterday published my recap of the weekend play party and my first public play experience, so I figured showing you all the pictures taken after that experience would fit right along nicely. The picture above was taken via Master’s camera phone, so it’s obviously not very good quality. Unfortunately we didn’t bring my camera with us to the party, so we didn’t get a good picture post-play aside from this one.

Obviously the coloring is a bit off, my skin is not actually that blue, but you can see the pretty cane marks on my butt and upper thighs, as well as some flogger marks mixed in for good measure. I think it’s pretty yummy, and hope you appreciate it as well! And, because I can’t just leave you with one poor quality picture…


Click for the larger version

Taken two days after the party by Master (with my Rebel XT), just so you get to see the pretty bruises it left as well! I love bruises, but, unfortunately I have a butt of steel (or leather, which works too) and it doesn’t bruise very easily. It was being spanked, flogged, and caned for a good 45 minutes or so, including quite a bit of caning, and all I get are two lousy bruises? Curses!

That’s not to say I don’t like the bruises or think they’re pretty, far from it! I just adore marks and want more! But, then, I’m rarely satisfied, am I? Alas, we’ll just have to try harder next time.

My First Public Play Experience

Master and I went to our second play party this weekend, our first was a couple weeks ago where we didn’t play, we just observed. Despite being into BDSM for many years, we’ve never gotten much into the actual community, and since we didn’t know people very well and we didn’t bring any of our own toys to the first play party we didn’t feel like playing (though, I felt like playing near the end, but we didn’t).

This party, however, we did end up playing. We mingled and chatted for a while, observing others in their scenes, getting introduced to new people and seeing a few friends. I was wearing a black leather corset with spiderweb tights on my arms (basically spiderweb tights with the crotch and feet cut out, which works very well as a pseudo-shirt), a black skirt with D-rings and black bondage straps, black lacy panties, and silver and black cute femme shoes. I looked good, if I do say so myself.

We made the rounds, watched some delicious scenes including some caning, rope bondage, gas mask breath play/asphyxia, pressure point play, and physical force (not all in the same scene, mind you). I got a little antsy watching all the others playing and I asked Master in my coy and subtle fashion (until he made me ask him verbally) if we could play somewhere. We walked around, looking for an empty room, and ended up getting one after a little bit of waiting. I took off my corset and skirt, stripping down to my panties and spiderweb tights, and got up on a long flat massage table with my head facing away from the door.

We pushed the boy-cut panties up a bit so they were more thong-like and he had access to my ass, as I didn’t feel comfortable taking them off. He started with some nice swats to my ass with his hand, getting me warmed up. I was nervous, but it was kinda nice to be nervous and heightened the experience in some ways. I was facing away from the door so I couldn’t see people looking in, and we were somewhat secluded, in a seperate room off of the living room and most people were outside or downstairs, which helped with my nervousness as well Once I was able to focus on what he was doing and not on the fact that we were doing this in public it stopped being an issue.

Once I was sufficiently warmed up with his hand he began flogging me. We used to have a flogger that I liked better than the one we currently have, not that this one is bad mind you, and at that moment I missed the old one. It was much heavier and had a better thud. Despite missing the other, the flogging was long and yummy. He alternated between slow and fast, hard and soft, all as a good flogging should go. By the time he moved on to the next implement I was so far gone and loving every second of it.

The cane was next and, honestly, I love canes when I’m in the mood for them. I think they have a wonderful combination of burning and stinging, plus they leave the most gorgeous marks (look for that tomorrow for my HNT, by the way). I was deep into masochistic pain-space and loving every second of it so even though the cane hurt there was also an amazingly warm and yummy feeling coursing through me. He alternated between the cane, back to the flogger, then to the cane again, and I would occasionally notice someone at the door behind me, but was unable to tell who it was (various people, I’d assume).

At one point, our friend Ashley, who is gorgeous and graciously invited us to come with her (also my newest favorite friend here in SLC), came into the room and observed. She remarked that I have a nicely rounded butt (a bubble-butt I call it) and Master asked if she’d like to get in a smack with the cane, which he was currently using on me. She readily accepted, warned me that she isn’t nice when it comes to inflicting pain, and asked how hard she could hit. I told her I had a pretty high tolerance, so she gave me a nice hard smack, and let me say: it hurt! It wasn’t unbearable, though, and it was actually really nice (and painful). She hit me a few more times before realizing that Master had only asked her if she wanted “one” smack with the cane, not multiple (though, honestly, she probably could have kept going and neither of us would have cared).

She handed the cane back over and either departed or watched for a bit longer and then departed (I’m not sure). Master asked how I was doing, and when I said “wonderful” he informed me that he would continue until I asked him to stop. I was more than fine with that. I found that I really like multiple fast semi-hard swats with the cane, it creates more of a burning sensation than a stingy sensation, and I really like that better. I asked him for that a few times over the session. He switched back to the flogger, and then back to the cane, all the while I was flying high.

I asked him if he would put his hand over my nose and mouth while he spanked me, which is my favorite method of breath play/asphyxiation. I find it extremely intimate as well as much more solidly breath-affecting and slightly less risky than hand-on-throat. We had seen some gas-mask breath play earlier in the evening which was also suitably arousing. He controlled my breath perfectly, I thought, and spanked my ass with his hand and then with the cane while controlling it. As you probably can imagine, I was taken even higher into that pain-space/sub-space/play-space mindset.

After playing with my breath for a good amount of time he stopped and kissed me and told me that we were done. I still wanted more and could have taken more, but I knew that he was right in stopping before I hit my limit. I got off of the now very sweaty table and he cleaned it with alcohol as I fixed my panties and put my skirt back on, choosing to opt out of the corset since it would be a pain to get back into and I was much more comfortable without it, plus the spiderweb mesh makeshift-shirt looked hot by itself.

We headed to the kitchen where I ate a bit of food and had some water, and then headed outside where we were told that our scene was hot by someone I didn’t know had been observing. I realized I didn’t know who all watched and who didn’t, aside from Ashley, which was a little strange, but not bad (and actually kind of hot). For the remainder of the party we chatted with people, wandered around, and observed more, including a fantastic play piercing session with 50+ needles which was amazing. Master and I played with the idea of flogging my back a couple hours after we ended our session, but it didn’t end up feeling right, so we decided against it.

All in all it was a wonderful party, and I really enjoyed meeting new people or meeting people I had seen at other events. I’m finding that I’m more interested in getting involved with the community here the more I get to know people, which makes sense, and I’m really looking forward to getting into it even more.

This Week's Sexy Sugasm Posts (#143)

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #144? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Anti-Porn Protest Gets Weird
“People get very excited about their causes and lack the sense to see if the information backs them up. ”

The Come Shot

“You don’t see their bodies going blotchily red and hear them howling like a banshee.”

Third Time’s a Charm
“If I lift my kilt on Bourbon Street I’m much more likely to get arrested than if Elizabeth takes off her top.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice
In My Office

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Read More

The Best Sex Bloggers (dot com)

This may be my summer for collaborative writing projects! I changed up the navigation and some of the look of the site yesterday, including changing how single pages look (less stuff on the sidebars, and links to the next page back, etc). But the big thing was navigation. If you’ll notice, right below the banner up there, not only do I have a “Navigation:” list now, but I also have “Other Projects:” which includes my sexcast, The Femmes Guide to the Universe (not yet launched), and The Best Sex Bloggers.

I’ll have a post about Femmes Guide later, but this post is for Best Sex Bloggers (BSB). It’s a pet project of Catalina of CatalinaLoves (and about a billion other sites) and her husband Marky D Sade. Here’s a little about the project:

The Best Sex Bloggers is a collaborative effort between erotic, glamour, and fetish photographers and the best sex bloggers of every flavor. Represented here are BDSM, D/s, Doms, Dommes, Professional Sex Work, Polyamory, Vanilla, Psychology, Sexuality, Reviews, Advice, HNT, Queer, Gay, Lesbian, Pansexual, and of course hot erotic fiction as well as the even hotter tales of adventure.

Catalina and Marky D Sade started bestsexbloggers.com as a way to network bloggers and photographers in a way that other blogs have never done before. Our photographers have submitted an album with permission for each of the bloggers to use their images with proper credit. In addition, the photographers themselves will be posting their images and commenting on the shoot, the model, or the image itself.

You can read the bios of the photographers and the sex bloggers who are contributing. We just opened midnight on August 4th, and there are already 18 posts, and more on the way no doubt! It’s fantastic, and I highly encourage everyone to check it out. Nearly all of my favorite bloggers are contributing, and we have collaborative posts in the works (won’t that just be orgasmic, some of your favorite sex bloggers on one post?!). It’s going to be pretty damn awesome.

A rundown of what you will find at The Best Sex Bloggers:

BDSM, Dom, Domme, Submissive, Online D/s, Vanilla, Queer, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Poly, Psychology, Sexuality, Discussion, Photography, Sociology, Podcasts, Bondage (including beautiful rope bondage by well-respected bondage artists), Erotic Fiction, Tales of Adventures, Sexual Fantasies, Hot Couples, Kink, Fetish, Phone Sex Operators, Professional Sex Writers, Reviews, Photoblogs, Education and Information, Smut, Filth, Flirting, HNT, Networking, Featured Artists, Local Events, Poetry, and even just once in a while a tale about the weird lives we tend to lead.

In short, just about anything sexy and sexual!

On Becoming a Phone Sex Operator

I recently have begun looking into phone sex operator (PSO) work, and with the guidance of the wonderful Ellie Lumpesse I have applied at a few places, and ended up getting a couple offers, one of which I have accepted. Master just faxed in my contract to them today, and so I’m hoping to start work tomorrow. I’m both excited and nervous for this new and very different opportunity! I have chosen to get into this type of sex work for a few reasons.

In looking for a new job, as I have been for the last few months, I have come to the realization that in order to make the kind of money I would like here (in Utah, as that is the tricky part) I would have to change my appearance and personality, basically I would have to hide myself. Now, that is not to say I wouldn’t have to do the same things doing PSO work, obviously there can be quite a bit of roleplay involved, but it is a much different type of roleplay.

I have worked and continue to work a lot on my appearance and personality. I am constantly learning about myself, my desires, my likes and dislikes, and all sorts of factors which go into what I consider to make up this entity which is me. I have done a lot of exploring via this blog, and other blogs, and just in my head. I have come into my own in a very distinct way, and I really to believe that I am constantly learning and changing.

However, I also believe that just about any place I would find acceptable to work here in Utah, with a few exceptions (though none which are hiring), would also not allow me to be me, I would have to pretend to be conservative, straight-laced, and professional, as well as dye my hair, cover my tattoos, and wear clothing I wouldn’t wear otherwise. This isn’t necessarily bad, and I’ve done this before for most jobs which I’ve had, but I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life, what goals I have, what I see myself doing down the road, and basically I do not want to be schizophrenic. What I mean by that is, I don’t want to have to be a different person at work than I am at home.

With PSO work I may have to be a different person than I am, engage in some roleplay, something like that, but I would always be me, because the roleplay has a much different purpose. I will be able to help others explore their own (often hidden) fantasies, while exploring my own sexuality as well. In some ways it’s a lot like sex therapy for both myself and the client, both of us being able to act out a fantasy that might not be accessible otherwise. I imagine this will be a highly rewarding for someone who enjoys finding and exploring the sexuality of others as well as my own sexuality.

When I told a few friends of mine that I was getting into phone sex work, after asking about the money one of them said “well, if you’re going to degrade yourself, you might as well get paid well” or something similar. It was kind of glossed over in the conversation, as I think I was the only one who heard him say that, so the others went on to something else, but it made me think.

I really don’t view PSO work or any sex work as degrading when done for the right reasons. It can be degrading for some if done for various reasons or if forced into it, as some people are. However, I do believe that someone can actually choose to get into sex work and find joy, pleasure, and happiness in it. I also believe that it can be empowering, which is often thought of as the opposite of degrading. This is part of being sex-positive, in my mind.

I have yet to have my first day, as I said above, I have a briefing scheduled for tomorrow and hope to start shortly after that. I’ll no doubt report on how I feel about it post-first day, and if any of my feelings regarding PSO work or sex work change. I’m very interested to see how I grow from this experience, and I hope to find out new things about myself and about others due to this decision.

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