taiWelcome! I’m Tai Fenix Kulystin, a somatic sexuality educator, occultist, professional harlot, and gender & relationships coach. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and my pronouns are they/them or any neutral pronouns. I spend a lot of my time studying sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, the body, queer theory, depth psychology, archetypes, mythology, erotic neurobiology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
Read more about this site & me→



Discoveries of the Domina

I dissected my submissive desires back in June with my Cuntpet Revisited post, and I’ve been exploring this Domina side of myself for quite some time, so I’ve come to some realizations. Nothing quite as profound or in-depth as the cuntpet analysis, but some interesting discoveries, nonetheless.

I’ve found that this journey of discovery has been difficult because I don’t feel like it’s something I can easily share with Master. I don’t have any desire to dominate him, and even if I did I doubt he would have any desire for me to dominate him. But, because of this, our relationship has suffered a little bit. We’ve talked about it, which has helped, but I know he still feels like it’s something that’s pulling us apart rather than bringing us together, and he’s right, but at this point there’s little I can do to change that.

That said, primarily this journey of mine has been internal, and a small amount has been online, on irc.bondage.com, a server I have frequented for many years. I have enjoyed the last few weeks, and my new Domina personae, although I want more. While I do believe that online is a fantastic place to explore new desires and fantasies, this needs to move beyond it. However, I would have to find a sub nearby to play with, and that could be tricky. I deeply enjoyed meeting new people at the play party last weekend, but entering in any relationship is going to be tricky. For now, my explorations will be primarily internal, and partially online.

Even though I have the desire to dominate someone, which is getting stronger all the time really, I’m extremely picky. This isn’t anything new, of course, it’s something I’ve known for quite some time, but it’s something that I am often amazed at. Even at my most horny, most desirous, most dominant states I am still picky as hell. It’s annoying, sometimes, because there are times when I just want to say “fuck it” and pick up the first sub I interact with and play, but I won’t allow myself to do that. I prefer to be picky, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t.

I am an extremely mental dominant. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much of a chance to play with these desires (see above, re: picky), but I can’t imagine playing with anyone without knowing all the intricate details about their desires. Without knowing those it would be difficult for me to weave them around my little finger. While purely physical domination has it’s perks and appeals, there is something delicious about being able to implant yourself deeply into someone else’s mind.

Perhaps it steams from my knowledge and love of psychology, or perhaps my love of psychology stems from my mental domination desires. I’m not sure, really, it’s like the chicken or egg question. I do know, however, that my knowledge of psychology will come in handy for all future mental endeavors. I love the idea of delving into the mind of another and planting all sorts of fun ideas for use later. Playing and toying with someone until all they can think about is me… that brings me to my next point.

I’ve talked many times about my own control freak nature, and I believe this is deeply rooted within my mental domination. I highly enjoy control, both having none and having all, and it’s difficult for me to have anything else. I love total power exchange, regardless of the side I’m on. I am a control addict as well as a control freak, though maybe in some ways they are the same thing.

I am also a rather sadistic dominant. This, too, is not a surprise, really. I’ve had sadistic impulses for a long time, although I haven’t always embraced the term. I’ve always loved biting others for the reaction it gets, I’ve loved spanking and hair pulling, and all sorts of other pain-inflicting things. I curbed these desires, or attempted to, while I was trying to be a “good sub” (whatever that means). I found them coming out in little ways, biting Master being the majority of them.

Within the online realm, I can’t stand when people have “Master” “Mistress” “Lord” etc. as part of their usernames/handles. “Miss” is a little mixed for me, but that’s pretty much the only one. Why do some dominants feel the need to add a title to thier nick? I don’t really understand it. I’ve thought of using the nick MissScarlet, but only for humor purposes (makes me think of Clue, of course). Perhaps this is a little point, and I’m sure it ties in with my ideas of honorifics in general, but it’s rather annoying. It just screams that someone isn’t secure in their role, so they have to shout it to the world instead of exuding it from themselves.

I also can’t stand a large amount of submissives. I knew this already, but now I can’t stand them from a different perspective. I hate what I call “yes subs” by which I mean, submissives who can’t give a straight answer, who answer “whatever Lady wants” or “whatever pleases You” when you ask them a direct question. I understand the reason for it, to an extent, but when I ask a sub what they enjoy, I don’t want to hear “whatever You would like to do to me, Miss” or something like that. The reason for it is to help reinforce submission. I believe it can be a useful tool in training, but not when you first meet someone. It’s ridiculous to tell someone that you don’t know very well “I like what you like” because, well, you don’t know what they like!

I also can’t stand being called Ma’am, but, that’s another issue all together.

I want a real human being. I don’t want a doormat, and I don’t want a “yes sub,” and I don’t want someone who won’t state their own opinions and their own desires. I want someone… well, like me, isn’t it?

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Would it be too Sexy?

Something I’ve been pondering for a while is to start participating in Half Naked Thursday. For one thing, I have my face on the blog already, so it’s not like I’m searching for any sort of anonymity. And I am working on becoming more comfortable with and proud of my body, so perhaps this would be a good thing to start exploring. I know that many of the bloggers that I read who participate often mention that the positive feedback has done wonders for their self-esteem.

But, then again, my hesitation comes less from a place of being unsure of showing off my body and more of a place of where my blog comes from. I’ve been thinking about Ellie’s post on sexy bloggers vs. sex bloggers and I’m really not sure which I am. I think I’m a sex blogger, because I don’t really see my writing as sexy, but it’s definitely sex-centered.

This is something I also grapple with every Thursday, really, as midnight is the deadline to apply for the weekly sugasm. I look over the (usually only a few) posts I’ve done in the last week since the last sugasm, and most weeks I don’t seem to have a good post for it. I see sugasm as needing sexy bloggers, not just sex bloggers. I’ve posted sexy posts before, but they’re less frequent. I tend to be highly analytical in my discussion about sex and sexuality, as opposed to just giving it all out. The last few sexy posts I’ve made were hardly graphic.

I know that I am a good blogger (at least, I like to think so), but am I a sexy blogger? I guess I come to what Ellie came to in her post, that I try to be smart, and I do believe that thinking and smarts and analyzing sexuality is sexy. But it’s sexy to a very specific group of people. Is that bad? I don’t think so. But does that mean that everyone who stumbles across my blog will think it’s sexy? I’m not sure, honestly. Though, then again, that kind of sweeping generality isn’t something that I usually like to talk in. I don’t know if anyone could really say that about their blog. Even those who I look up to and admire all fit within a certain niche.

I’m not an eloquent word craftsfemme, my analytical and nitpicky (Virgo) nature doesn’t always lend itself to beauty in it’s verbosity, just verbosity. Even when I do talk explicitly about a sexual encounter it is usually in a very frank and outright nature, not something that elegantly wraps around your mind like silk or leather and demands for you to continue reading because if you stop the beauty would be lost to you. It doesn’t make you burn with the desire to dive into the situation, it’s aloof and candid.

Again I wonder: is this a bad thing? Obviously for me it isn’t, as it wouldn’t be mine if it was any other way. I definitely feel that my eloquence may come with time, and that I may or may not become more eloquent as I grow and change. For the time being, however, I’ll stick to what I know. Hopefully that’s sexy blogging to just the right people, and sex blogging to everyone else.

Back to the original topic of the Half Naked Tuesday. It’s not that I think participation in HNT is mandatory for sex bloggers, of course I don’t! But the issue/question here is whether or not it’s right for me and for this blog. There’s nothing wrong with it, and, in fact, I think it’s fantastic when others participate in it. I love viewing sexy pics of the sexy people that I read on a regular basis. I think it’s fantastic to show that. I’m just not sure if I want that to be part of my blog. Although I would like to participate, I wonder if it’s something that would add to my blog. Or does it even matter?

Would adding HNT pics change my blog from a sex blog to a sexy blog?

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The Hermit Peeks Out From Her Shell

Master and I went to a play party this weekend. It’s the first one either of us had ever actually been to, and hopefully it won’t be the last. Despite having explored BDSM for the last ten years or so I’ve never been anywhere that had an active community that I was a part of.

Juneau, Alaska, where I grew up, has virtually no community, if you look on FetLife there are only three users from there as of now (and one of them signed up last night–I get to greet him today). The next place I lived, Ashland, Oregon, was also a small town. While there is a group in Medford, which is not too far away, I didn’t have a car so it was difficult for me to get involved with that group. I did join the mailing list, but never attended any gatherings.

Master is quite the same way, he’s never been involved with the local community, despite having lived here for nearly nine years. He’s been busy in other communities here and just hasn’t gotten out much in the BDSM community. He’s been exploring BDSM for longer than I have, though has never been part of a community offline. Both of us are rabid online junkies, after all that is how we met, and we have been in online communities for quite some time.

I really enjoyed the play party, although Master and I didn’t end up doing anything during it, but we observed and got to know new people. I really hope that we get to go to another one, and I think we will. I would like to get involved in the community more here. I went to a class of the local group as well a couple weeks ago, and that was… interesting. Honestly it wasn’t the best class to go to, but it wasn’t horrible. I think it could be beneficial to go simply to meet people. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind skipping the classes and just going to play parties.

One of my big problems with living here in Salt Lake is that I have a really hard time clicking with people. Partially, I think, that is because I have a really hard time opening up about myself and being relaxed. It’s difficult for me to open up and talk about things that interest me when I’m not sure who would be offended, etc. Even some of the most liberal people I’ve met here are not people that I could really open up to.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately that what I want to do with my life is teach, but specifically, teach about sex and kink, educate and go to conferences and do all that. It’s hard work, and I know it would be, but it’s what I think I would want to do. I’ve been planning on psychology, but the part of it that fascinates me is sexuality. I want to be the next Carol Queen or Midori or Tristan Taromino or all of them and me.

Tangent aside, back to the play party. I didn’t get to know many people, though I am working on getting better acquainted with those who we came with, and one girl here who I keep bumping into at these things (and we are mutually following on twitter as well). The three of them are people I really want to get to know much better. There were others there, too, who I could see myself getting to know, though I didn’t interact with them as much. Both Master and I were very much observers and listeners, getting the lay of the land, so to speak.

These are the people I was missing! I just hope that these are people who I can start having sexual philosophical discussions with and deep intense conversations. I think they are, I know two are, I think the rest would at least have some interest as well. We shall see how things progress. We still have about six months in this city, maybe more depending on our financial situation, and I really do want to get to know more people and get in with this group.

It’ll be good to expand our social network. And, hey, who knows, maybe we will end up hosting a play party of our own.

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It's That Sugasm Time Again! (#141)

My Sugasm entry this week was my post on My Femme Cock (below the cut). I had quite a few more people looking at it than my previous ones, perhaps because it is not in the BDSM category this time, but in the category simply about Sex and Relationships.

I missed participating last week, but I barely squeezed in to this week, and hope to continue participating. It is a wonderful way to encourage blog traffic both to and from my site, so I’m all about it! I have many posts in the workings, and plan on spacing them out over the week, so look for all the posts coming soon!

On to the sugasm:

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #142? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Comedy vs. Tragedy

“Are you on your period? What? Did he just say…”

Ian, or, Sometimes Sex is Hilarious
“In short, it isn’t sex blogger sex.”

A Wish
“I wish that you could know the indescribable pleasure of being enfolded in your warm, gentle wetness.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice
Road Rage

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

lanjut →

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My Queer Identity, Or: Problems of Visibility

Being part of the queer community has been something extremely important to me since I was in high school, though I came out in middle school. I have always been queer in one way or another. I was the fat kid growing up, always the largest in my class, always the one made fun of. I was the outcast. I embraced my queerness, my freakhood, by difference. I wanted to be different, it made me special. I enjoyed it, and I still do.

It was easier to be queer when I didn’t have a partner, or when I had a female partner. Now that I’m with a male, and specifically living with a male and being submissive to a male it is very difficult for me, and difficult to maintain my queerness when in many ways I look very heterosexual. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing, but for me it kind of is. I feel washed over, I feel like my queerness isn’t as easily recognized as I’d like it to be.

Sometimes even those who know my orientation do not credit it because of my current partner. I am forgotten about as queer, and it’s really something that hurts me when it comes from those close to me. I may be with a man, but that doesn’t mean I’m still not queer.

What comes into my queer identity? What makes it up? Kink and poly definitely inform my queerness, because they inform my sexuality and no aspect of my sexuality can be analyzed without the addition of all the other aspects. Really, no aspect of my sexuality can be analyzed without all other aspects of my identity taken into account, including gender and size, which is part of the reason why all those identities are subtitles to this blog, because it’s nearly impossible to understand me without understanding all those identities first.

It’s difficult to be femme gendered and partnered with a biologically male and masculine person and to still be labeled as queer. I can embrace the label all I want, and I can try to make that label known to the rest of the world, but that doesn’t always mean I will come off that way.

I can view the plus side of it, as it means I can walk in the heterosexual world and use terms like “partner” which is the primary way I refer to Master as to new people I meet, and which confuses people or makes people assume that my partner is female. This allows me to get into a dialogue about the term partner, about bi/pan/queer sexualities if I so choose.

Now, this is all well and good, and I do try to use it to my advantage as much as possible. I try to sneak in comments like “Just because I’m with a man doesn’t mean I’m straight” or “doesn’t mean I’m not queer.” There are ways that I can subtly influence those around me, but I often wonder if it is enough. If I constantly have to assert my identity, is it really worth it? But, then again, I have the same issue with my gender identity. Perhaps my identity fetish is just too advanced for easy identification.

I’ve read about similar experiences with other bi/pan/omni-sexuals and queers, and people with FtM lovers, and I know that I am not alone in this, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I know that this problem will not change any time soon, but maybe I can figure out a better way to deal with it.

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Because That's What All Feminists Are Like

I’m going to add my definitions of femmeinist and fucktoy to the masthead shortly, and I pondering adding “femmeinist” to the Urban Dictionary, so, of course, I took a look at how feminist is defined in there.

At this point in my life I really should not have been surprised at the definitions which were posted, which basically call all feminists sexist, hypocritical, mean, man-haters, etc. all those wonderful negative stereotypes. I really should not have been saddened or surprised, or have thought that it might be any different.

At least the #2 entry reads:

someone who believes the radical notion that women are people.
if you believe that women and men should have equal rights, you are a feminist. there’s nothing “extreme” about it.

That’s something, right? I urge you all to go to the definition of feminist in the Urban Dictionary and vote for that entry and vote down all the other entries which perpetuate negative stereotypes. While, yes, there are those feminists out there, they are not the majority (at least, not in my experience), they are just the ones which get the most coverage.

*Sigh* So, look for my definitions of femmeinist and fucktoy on the new masthead, should be coming within the hour. Also, I may add femmeinist to the Urban Dictionary, but I wonder if people would bash it as well? I definitely will add my definition of fucktoy (on UD as both fucktoy and fuck toy) however, since the definitions there are all degrading. I’m definitely not using it in a degrading manner.

Also, as a note since I’m mentioning site changes as well, I recently added a weekly poll to the top left sidebar, as well as links to my various wishlists (Amazon, VibeReview, Eden Fantasys, JT’s Stockroom, and Extreme Restraints) on the right sidebar under the buttons to my various profiles on other sites. I also added a list of affiliate links on the left sidebar (such as VibeReview, Eden Fantasys, Babeland, JT’s Stockroom, Extreme Restraints, and Amazon) which look rather similar to the wishlist links, of course, as these are the sites I often frequent and also highly recommend. I will shortly add a paypal donate link, just in case anyone feels generous.

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VibeReview Toys to Review!

I’ve just become a reviewer for the wonderful VibeReview “a classy and female-friendly Internet-based adult toy retailer and review site.” I have been looking around their site since it was brought to my attention, and they have some wonderful toys, you should all check them out!

I have just received information about my first round of sex toys, and I am very excited about them!

Remember my post about needing a femme cock? Well, this wonderful dildo is just about perfect! It wouldn’t be my main cock, but it doesn’t get much more femme than this: Vicky Venus is a Goddess-shaped silicone sex toy, how awesome is that? I saw her and immediately fell in love. Plus she’s scarlet! How perfect!

I’m also getting a gorgeous glass dildo, the Sensual Bulb which also looks very yummy, and has that cute purple bottom with a butterfly in it (also a femme toy, don’t you think?) and looks oh-so-delicious for g-spot stimulation. Personally, I adore glass dildos for the hardness and can’t wait to try this one out!

They’re also sending me the Miracle Massager and a Miracle Massager Attachment which will be very interesting to line up against the Hitachi and G-Plus. I love my Hitachi, but the Miracle Massager claims to be even better than the Hitachi, solving the heating issue and easier to grip. We shall see!

Last, but not least, the Silicone Crystal Cote which looks gorgeous and although it looks like jelly it’s silicone (the best sex toy material that isn’t glass or steel) with all those delicious little ridges and bumps it’s going to be a dream! It’s a suction-cup dildo, too, and I can just see the wonderful double-penetration scenarios… me fucking it and sucking Master’s cock, or the other way around… It’s going to be fun!

And they also threw in a Silver Bullet which I was not expecting. I’ve had a few bullets over the years, in fact, the very first sex toy I ever had was a glow-in-the-dark bullet which I bought from the Babeland store in Seattle (it was still Toys in Babeland at that point) with my sister one summer when I was visiting her. I have always loved bullets for their small size and being so easy to use for wonderful direct clitoral stimulation both solo or with a partner, so I’m more than happy to review this one as well!

So, look for all these reviews coming in the next few weeks. I’m sure I’ll let you all know when I receive them, and how well they work! A big huge thank you to Heather of VibeReview for allowing me this opportunity! (I wonder if she’s sick of me thanking her, as I have probably six or eight times in the last 24 hours)

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Review: G-Plus Massager Attachment

My second verified review for Eden Fantasys went up this morning, on the G-Plus Massager Attachment.

This massager attachment fits on spring-ball type massagers such as the Hitachi or Ideal and is shaped much like the Rock Chick, G-Rock or other vibrators which hit both the g-spot and clitoris. It is made of TPR (Thermo Plastic Rubber) which while it is phthalate-free, it is also porous and since this toy would be difficult to be used with a condom, it should not be shared.

The TPR material does add to the toy, however, it makes it very bendable. This can make it difficult to insert without lube, but with lube it makes it wonderful for moving the little 2″ nub onto the clitoris while the 4″ insertable length works inside.

Master and I had a wonderful time playing with this toy and using it on me until the sheet beneath me was covered in sweat! I can’t stress enough how much I love the Hitachi, or how much I think this attachment makes the Hitachi that much better. Read the complete review on EdenFantasys here!

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store
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Bound to Struggle Vol. 3 Call for Submissions

Found via Subversive Submissive and thought I’d pass it along. I’m definitely going to add it to the list of things to write a piece for.

Bound to Struggle
Where Kink and Radical Politics Meet
Volume 3: Word Play
Call for Submissions – Deadline September 1, 2008

PURPOSE: To create a ‘zine that brings together the words of a diverse group of practitioners of both kink and radical politics

WORD PLAY: I’m interested in the words we use – when we are playing, when we are negotiating, when we are telling stories. The power/lack of language. The queering of words. The possibilities of words we thought were foreclosed to us. Reclamation, recreation.

YES: personal essays, comics, theoretical works, poetry; serious, funny, sexually explicit, fabulous, unfinished; clearly drawn art due to cheap copy machines

NO: grocery lists of anecdotes, using others’ names without their consent, photos (sorry, I don’t have the equipment necessary to replicate photos)

PLEASE: questions you may not have the answers to, analyses you can’t talk about in class or reading group, thoughts about power and sex that get more complicated the more they are dissected, turning readers on with your brilliance


simon strikeback
1433 W. Lunt #IN
Chicago, IL 60626

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My Femme Cock

Many years ago I bought a terra firma harness (with extender strap) and Leo (in black). I have used it many times (though not as many as I would like), on a few different partners, both male and female.

However, most of those partners and occurrences were few and far between. Recently, while Master and I were in England, I used it on him. We had talked about it for quite some time, but we never really got around to me fucking him in the ass. It was very fun, and may have been one of the catalysts to me discovering my Top/Domina side. Not that one has to be a Top if one has a cock, oh no. I know that is not true, and that is not what I’m trying to imply. However, for me, there was a bit of power that I was wielding due to being the penetrator and I not only got back in touch with my cock, but I also got back in touch with that side of me that enjoys wielding that power.

Honestly, when I bought my Leo he was a butch cock. I was much more butch in high school before figuring out my femme side and embracing it. I really did and do love butch genders, and I really enjoyed playing with a butch gender on my own body, something that I still play with on occasion, I do own a black pinstripe suit and a few ties, I do enjoy going to the drag king side of my personality, as opposed to the drag queen which is my primary gender expression.

So, while I still love my butch cock, he is not quite me anymore. I have also used him quite enough on myself, which seems a little strange for my cock to have been used inside me. Perhaps this is a small point, and I think it is in some ways, but it is what I feel. It’s not that I don’t think that I could use my cock within myself, I just have used it maybe too many times. I love Leo for me, and for packing, and for fucking, but it’s not my cock anymore, it’s a dildo.

My cock needs to be femme. And my new femme cock needs to be scarlet. My scarlet femme cock is going to be gorgeous, and will make my lovers salivate at the thought of it, and it will be my femme cock. My femme cock will have a femme expression as well. She will be fabulous and perfect. And I’m not limiting myself to just one femme cock, but I need a primary one.

I found a fabulous red glitter cock at Cahoots, a sex toy/novelty store not too far from my house. However, I’m not sure how I feel about having the balls attached. It could be interesting, but, may not be quite right. But I LOVE the red glitter. It kind of makes me think of The Wizard of Oz, which makes me want it even more. It is definitely a femme cock. The problem with it, too is it is jel-lee (which I would have to use a condom with, which isn’t horrible, but could be annoying) and I would much prefer a silicone cock.

The other I’ve been eyeing is General. The common problem of both of them is that they’re both rather thick (not to mention General is expensive!). That’s not always bad, and apparently I’m just drawn to having a big cock, which makes sense as it would fit the rest of me. However, I’m sure I would want to use it for anal play quite often, so that could be an issue. I would almost have to have a female partner before I could justify a cock which did not go well with anal play. Both dildos would be lovely for cock sucking, but I’m not sure how much Master is down with sucking my cock. My primary femme cock would need to be not as thick as the other two, but I would want to get the glitter one for style as well as function.

I’m enamored with Tiger as well as the P-Spot and Luxury. Perhaps getting P-Spot or Luxury and the Wizard of Oz (WoO) cock might be a perfect combination. The P-Spot is (as you could guess) made for the prostate, but I would guess that it would be nice for getting the g-spot during anal sex as well. The WoO cock may be best for receiving blow jobs and a nice vaginal cock (with condom). This may mean I need to invest in more condoms.

Any suggestions for other fabulous femme cocks for me to look at? I would like to refrain from the jelly if possible, but I have yet to find a cock as fabulous as the WoO cock.

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