taiWelcome! I’m Tai Fenix Kulystin (previously known as Scarlet Lotus), I am a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and my pronouns are they/them. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the joys and pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

Outside of this blog I am currently finishing up a Master's degree to help me launch into my career as a Gender & Intimacy Coach and Somatic Sexuality Educator. I am passionate about working with people of all bodies, genders, sexualities, and relationship styles to help them move toward experiencing the (sex) life of their dreams.



Review: Aneros Peridise

The Aneros Peridise and I have had a strange relationship. I was enamored with them the first time I laid eyes on them on Babeland’s website. Generally I love unusual toys, and Peridise is definitely unusual.

Aside from the uniqueness of the toy, my relationship to it actually has to do with the issues I’ve had regarding reviewing it. I received my Peridise at the same time I got the Bliss #12 and Entice lube, which was near the end of November. I reviewed those two in late December/early January, but Peridise was a little more elusive.

As you may or may not know in mid-January I moved to Seattle. Somehow, between packing up and actually getting here my Peridise went missing. How did this happen, you ask? I have no idea! I bought a couple cases from For Your Nymphomation to make the sex toy transportation easier, but somehow Peridise did not make it in to one. I keep expecting to find it laying around the house somewhere obvious that I’ve somehow overlooked, but it hasn’t happened by now so it probably isn’t going to happen.

After many searches through everything Onyx and I own I came to the conclusion that I was not going to find it. However, since I still needed to review it and I didn’t feel I had tried it out enough times to do a decent review (plus I wanted to play with it more) I went along to the Babeland store here and bought a replacement set. Since it was a toy I knew I would want to use multiple times I didn’t fret too much about that.

Now, back to the Peridise itself. I’ve explained my strange road to reviewing it, but what exactly is it, and why does it seem like they spelled paradise incorrectly?

Aneros is famous for their fantastic anal products, specifically prostate simulators, which are usually sleek and stylish made out of hard plastic and shaped to be a hands-free p-spot stimulator.

Peridise is actually a unisex anal PC (pubococcygeus) muscle exerciser. There are plenty of vaginal kegel exercisers out there which also focus on the PC muscles, but this is the first unisex exerciser and the first anal one that I know of.

PC muscle exercises are always talked about in relation to females, as they are most popular as vaginal kegel exercises as I already mentioned, but they can also be useful for men. In case you don’t know, the benefits of kegel exercises increase urinary or bowel control and can also increase control over ejaculation. Specifically for females they also increase tightness of the vagina, prevent pelvic prolapse, and can increase sexual arousal/desire. For males they can diminish premature ejaculation, encourage multiple orgasms (especially multiples without ejaculation), and result in a stronger erection. All good things, right?

The design of the Peridise is meant to stimulate the peristaltic reflex of the sphincter which is the reaction of the anus to contract when something is inserted in it. The idea behind that is that once the head of the Peridise is inserted the rest of it should be sucked up into the body automatically, and crazy enough that happens!

Peristaltic is also what Peridise gets it’s name from. Peristaltic + Paradise = Peridise. Kinda neat, right?

Peridise comes in two sets: beginner and advanced. Assumption would dictate that the advanced set would be larger than the beginner, but it’s actually the opposite. The theory being that the better control you has over the PC muscle the smaller the objects are that you would be able to successfully grasp. Makes, sense, right?

Both sets come with two plugs. The beginner set has two four inch plugs which are 22mm and 18mm thick (or 3/5″ and 4/5″). The advanced set has two 3 3/4″ plugs which are only slightly thinner at 20mm and 16mm (or 7/10″ and 9/10″). One thing I love about getting two in a set is that if you have a partner to share Peridise with (and you’re not having anal sex at the moment) both of you can be wearing a plug during sex, which would increase pleasure for both!

Taking Panthera Pardus’ advice I decided to insert both the LELO Luna Beads (kegel exercisers) and Peridise at the same time and delicious doesn’t begin to cover it!

Both exercisers are somewhat small, but them combined with the squeezing of muscles around them was absolutely heavenly! This could easily be done with Smart Balls or new Teneo Smart Balls as well, or any other vaginal balls assuming you have the required orifices.

But I digress. What you probably really want to know, aside from all this technical mumbo jumbo is if Peridise does all the things it claims to do, right? Well, I believe it does. I know it encourages stronger orgasm, as I’ve seen the difference in Onyx and I’ve felt the difference in myself. The PC muscle strengthening is slightly more difficult to assess, but I feel like it has assisted me there as well.

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Horizon and Windows by random letters used under a Creative Commons

The floor-to-ceiling windows allow the hues of sunset to cascade into the room, reds, pinks and oranges, enhancing the dim lighting. Her back is to me as she watches the horizon slowly change.

Her stance is wide, strong, and I desperately want to move toward her and separate the delicate folds of her with my tongue, find the right pressure and speed, pleasing her and tasting her. Instead I stay as I am, kneeling, watching her form shift against the hues of dusk sky. Her power radiates.

She turns, languidly, crossing her arms in front of her and tapping one black latex-covered finger against the opposite elbow. Though her face is still in shadow I can feel the grin that splits her mouth make me tingle.

She watches me watch her, my desire is written across my face for her to see. I keep no secrets. “All fours.” She says, and I quickly comply.

Before I can register her movement she’s behind me and her fingers are pushing inside of me, spreading me open, her other hand pressing my naked self forward, making me crawl with her fingers inside me toward the window.

She moves me forward until my cheek presses against the cool glass. A shiver runs up my spine either from the cold of the glass or the hot of my cunt, I’m not sure which, but I know she felt my reaction.

Her sharp teeth dig into the soft flesh of my ass as she adds another finger into my already dripping cunt, opening me up further around her, making me moan and squeal with pleasure as I thrust back against her fingers. She leans up and whispers in my ear, “Isn’t the sunset, beautiful, darling?”

I clear my throat to answer, but end up just feebly nodding against the glass, unable to find my voice.

She adds another finger and moves more insistently, each thrust going a little deeper trying to press as far into me as possible. I can feel her surrounding me with her dominance as her fingers penetrate my hot flesh. The sky before us darkens further, the red and orange hues fading to purple and blue.

Another lubed finger presses against my backdoor as the others still inside of me, opening me further for her, her toy to play with. She wiggles her fingers in my cunt as she adds a second finger easily into my ass, and I can’t help but grunt and thrust desperately back at her. My clit is on fire and I hope that she will let me come.

I hear her chuckle softly as she begins thrusting with both hands, alternating fullness and making me writhe, my torso would fall if I wasn’t pressed up so tightly against the glass. My cheek is wet with the moisture of my breathing.

She continues until I can’t stand it, I’m on the edge and unconsciously start rubbing my thighs together, rocking my pelvis, rubbing against my sensitive clit as I do.

Her knee knocks against my thighs, spreading them apart wider, keeping me open, not allowing me that release I need. She tsks and chuckles deeply before continuing her thrusting, my clit on fire with every movement.


“What is it, pet?”

“Please, let me come, please… my clit is aching for it… please…” My pleas turn desperate as her fingers move faster within me.

Her teeth dig into the flesh of my ass again, making me squeal with delight and pain. Just as quickly her fingers have left me and she slaps my ass.

“Turn over.” She says, and I quickly comply, too eager for my own good.

“Now, now, darling. The evening has just begun. I have much more in store for you.” She grins, standing and looking into my eyes as I lay on my back, open for her, missing her touch. I try to show her my need with my eyes, but nod as my mind races over the possibilities in her words.

She crosses back over to the window. The sky has cooled a bit, reds and oranges faded to dark pink and blue, but the outline of her is still visible contrasted to the light coming from the sky. I watch as she brings a glass filled with her favorite drink to her lips, her gloved fingers still moist with my juices.

Unsure of what to do, I watch her movements and then nearly jump out of my skin as the doorbell rings.

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Size & Sexuality Study – Emily

Number 183 from The Adipositivity Project

This is the seventh of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: luna[KM]
Read the second: icecoldbath
Read the third: Nadia West
Read the fourth: Dee
Read the fifth: E
Read the sixth: Callaigh

Emily is a 28 year old heteroflexible submissive female who is married.

What size is your body?
20/22 dress/pants size; 46 D bra size (American sizes)

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I would love to be smaller, but I’m not unhappy with my body. In fact, my Hubby thinks I’m a little too comfortable with it, as I love having my pic taken nude and would love to post them on the forums and profiles I’m a member of. He is more protective of my body and doesn’t allow me to post such pictures. He’s not ashamed of my body size, He just wants to keep it all for Himself.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
I’ve become much more comfortable with my body even though I’ve gotten larger, oddly enough. Maybe it’s age and/or maturity that’s made me more comfortable, but I think it also has to do with a certain former lover who used to force me to present naked before him so he could look at me. Until then I was modest- now I am very comfortable with how I look.
How important is sexuality to your life? Very- I identify as a submissive to my Hubby and want to please Him in any way possible- including in the bedroom (or out of it- wherever He wants). He loves that I am “heteroflexible” because it has opened up doors to our sexual relationship that, in His previous relationships, were always closed. I like that I am able to provide this for Him.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
Not a lot- I’ve always been a little nympho- even as a teenager and pre-teen. I have always known that I was attracted to both men and women, but was not able to act on the attraction to women until I was older and more comfortable with it (ie, less worried about what other people would think if they found out). One thing that has changed, but only due to having done research and gaining knowledge in the subject, was my belief as to what my sexuality was- I had no idea until just a few years ago that there was such thing as “heteroflexible”. I thought you were either hetero, homo, or bi. Therefore, I identified as bi, with the homo part “in the closet” because, not only was I not comfortable with it, but I was raised that homosexuality and, therefore, bisexuality was wrong, immoral. Now I realize that, though I am attracted to women sexually, I have no desire to have a relationship with them. This is why I now identify as “heteroflexible”. I still have issues with the morality of it, but I really can’t control who I’m attracted to and have not yet gained the will-power to deprive myself of my desires.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
I am very comfortable with expressing what I want, but sometimes am unable to get it because of my body size.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
hahaha…that depends on what website you go to. I have been told by many men that my husband is a “lucky man” to have someone so sensual and willing to do things I’m willing to do. However, these same men would never go to bed with me if given the chance. Though they love my attitude towards sex and sexuality, they do not find my body attractive. They can’t push past what I look like to get to the “I’ll do ANYTHING you desire”. (I know this because I’ve asked. They say “your husband is a lucky man” and I ask “would you sleep with me if given the chance?” Just a hypothetical, you know- not a come-on. It then becomes “your husband is lucky, but you’re not my type”.)

Also, you don’t see women my size being portrayed as “sexy” on TV or in books. The story line for characters my size often goes like this- persecuted all through high school/college because of size, have weight loss surgery or lose the weight through sheer determination and will-power, buy a skimpy little size 2 dress, go back and visit all the guys who have turned her down, rub it in their faces. Well honey, that’s just not reality. The rest of the world sees/reads that and thinks that it’s possible that I could someday be a size 2 and suddenly that have all this advice for me about how to get there. They don’t understand that this is NOT possible- because of my bone structure, I will NEVER be a size 2 (yes, I use the “I’m big boned” excuse). Also, they don’t realize that big can be sexy.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
I’ve become more comfortable with both over the years.

Anything else you would like to add?
Body size should not have anything to do with sexuality or sensuality. No- I am not able to get in every position illustrated in Kama Sutra, but I tell you what- the positions I can get in, I’m gooooood at. Body size vs. sex appeal should not be an issue at all.

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Pleasurists #17

Image by flexgraph used under a Creative Commons License

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #16? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #18? Submit it here before Sunday March 1st at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.
Sorry the list is a bit late this week, it’s been a crazy last few days. Pleasurists #18 will be out on time!

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

  • Bloomy by Jezebelle
  • Two things stood out right away; the amazing sensation that the curves give, and that the end of the curly loop is long enough for clitoral stimulation. Although the Bloomy is short, the curves and girth of the toy make up for it!

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

lanjut →




Relationship Questions

Of us, taken by me, late 2006

Found these questions answered by Thursday’s Child and thought they were kind of cute and may be a good way to jump-start my writing. I have so many posts swimming in my head, but am having a difficult time articulating them. Plus, doesn’t everyone want to read about my thoughts on this stuff?

1. Who eats more?
It goes back and forth, actually. Most days I do, I think, but some days he does, it just depends on what we have that day and the times. Usually we eat together or at least near the same time, but some days if we don’t one of us ends up eating more. Or I just eat more in general ’cause I tend to snack.

2. Who said “I love you” first?
He did. It was before we actually physically met, by a little more than a month. We had been planning on meeting in March of 2005 but put it off until July because of school and I was moving out of the dorms into an apartment in June and then heading to Juneau for a couple weeks, so we set the meeting date to be after my Juneau trip. We were chatting online as usual one night in June and he was somewhat drunk and told me he loved me. I was shocked but also intensely happy, we had this “friends with benefits” idea before that, but his drunken admission kind of changed everything.

3. Who is the morning person?
He is more than I am, but neither of us are really morning people at all. He tends to wake up before I do and get tired before I do, but mostly because his body has been trained into that schedule. If given the chance we would both stay up most the night and sleep during the day I think.

4. Who sings better?
I do, though he rarely sings, and when he does I love it, but he often is off key, which is just more endearing. I have the benefit of having taken lessons when I was younger, and also being in a choir or two.

5. Who is older?
He is, by ten and a half years, so we will never be in the same decade, which amuses me, though I like to pretend I’m older (and people generally assume I’m older), so it kind of works out.

6. Who is smarter?
He says I am, I used to say he is, but I think after so many years we’ve kind of established that I am. Well, that’s not exactly true, but it’s true in some ways. Our intellect is very comparable, really, but we’re just smart in different ways. We’re both brilliant in some things and stupid in others.

7. Whose temper is worse?
This one’s difficult because we both have difficulty expressing anger. I’m going to say mine is, or I get slighted easier than he does and I am generally more upset when I do express things, though we express things in very different manners.

8. Who does the laundry?
We both do, for the most part. Laundry is usually done on a whim, and so whoever feels like doing it does it. It’s about even, I think.

9. Who does the dishes?
Again, we both do. I think he does them more often since I usually cook and often we do the dishes at the same time as cooking, which means it’s difficult for me to do them.

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
Depends on if the right side is from the sleeper’s or viewer’s perspective. I’d assume sleeper’s, but who knows. He does, in that case, though before we moved I used to. We switched because of where the outlets/power strips are and therefore where my laptop is (now on the left side). Probably once we get a real bed and our bedroom set up we will switch back to me on the right.

11. Whose feet are bigger?
His, but only by a size. He has average feet, I have big feet.

12. Whose hair is longer?
Mine, but only by about an inch since I cut it. The back and sides of his hair are much shorter than mine, but the top is about an inch shorter I think. Either way both of our hair is short.

13. Who’s better with the computer?
He’s better at most things, though I’m generally faster on it.

14. Do you have pets?
We currently have four cats: Erebus Aleister Sebastian, Eros Agape Cesario, Aether Ganymede Newton, and Morpheus Andreas Orion. We used to have two others: Nyx Astarte Viola, and Nemesis Ararita Olivia. Nyx is the mother of Aether, Morpheus, and Nemesis, though Nem was from a previous litter and Aether and Morph are litter brothers.
We also have two snakes currently, a Honduran milk snake named Scarlet Medea Astarte and a Columbian Boa named Gandhi Odin… though he has a third name and I can’t think of it.

15. Who pays the bills?
Technically it’s his money 99% of the time, though not always, but we have a joint account and we both pay the bills from that account. It transforms into both of our money, even though he’s the one making it.

16. Who cooks dinner?
I do, pretty much always, though sometimes he does. He’s a great cook, but prior to our relationship he had never really cooked vegetarian, and since I am vegetarian that meant the cooking generally fell to me. Plus, I love cooking, so I usually want to cook anyway.

17. Who drives when you are together?
Neither of us! We don’t have a car, and we don’t have drivers licenses. Crazy, right? He had one in Norway but let it lapse since there are hoops to jump through to get a license in Utah. I’ve never had one, though I’ve meant to get one I’ve just never had a car.

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?
Usually he does, because he’s faster with his card, but sometimes I do, though it all comes from the same bank account anyway. I just like to pretend like I pay sometimes.

19. Who’s the most stubborn?
We’re both pretty damn stubborn, though I think I am slightly moreso than he is, but it’s definitely a tough thing to compare. I just asked him and he said “yeah… I think you’re more stubborn” in a definitely more stubborn sort of way. I can be pretty bad sometimes

20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Hah, um… I’m not sure. We’re both pretty bad about that, but he probably is the first to admit it, though it depends on what the circumstances are and who is at fault more. I think it fluctuates.

21. Who’s family do you see more?
Mine, definitely, we’re actually going to a big party for my Aunt this weekend and so we’re going to see even more of them. Moving to Seattle kind of made my family an even more frequent occurrence since both my parents come here frequently, and most of my extended family is about three hours away. His family is in Norway, so we did see them last May when we went over there, but that’s nowhere nearly as frequent as my family.

22. Who named your pets?
We both did, though I was the primary namer. I have naming rules, such as they must have three names and must somewhat go together, such as all of our kitties have primordial Greek Gods for first names.

23. Who kissed who first?
We pretty much devoured each others mouths the first time we saw each other, about a second in to it, but we had known each other online for quite some time already and we had been doing things online and on the phone prior to meeting face-to-face. I think he initiated the kiss that first time, but we were both going for it.

24. Who asked who out?
That never really happened.

26. Who is more sensitive?
Me, definitely. Much more sensitive. I don’t like it, but I am.

27. Who is taller?
I think I am, but only by about a half inch, maybe less, we’re very close to the same height unless I’m wearing heels.

28. Who has more friends?
That’s a tough one… I’m honestly not sure. We’re such a couple (in a way I never imagined myself to be) that most of our friends are mutual ones, though I still am in contact with more of my pre-relationship friends than he is, so maybe that counts.

29. Who has more siblings?
I do, I have two sisters and he has one half sister.

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Review: Super Strap Love Sling

I’ve had the Super Strap Love Sling for quite some time, which has enabled me to play around with it quite a bit.

It’s really simple, basically two nylon circles on the end of an adjustable nylon strap which also has a fur rectangle in the center of it. It’s made for a modified missionary position, mostly, to assist the legs in staying up in the air while being fucked.

The first time we tried the strap out it didn’t seem to work well, it was slightly uncomfortable and I just didn’t really like it, but I wasn’t going to give up on it after just one use.

The second time was better, probably because I played around a lot with the length of the straps before Onyx and I were actually penetrating so that my legs were at the right length and I was actually getting support from it instead of just having it strain my neck and not do much.

The second and subsequent times were all wonderful. It was easy to use and super comfortable now that I had found the right length. I found it was best to have my legs straight up in the air, rather than bent, though I could bend them if I choose. The strap should be slightly too short so that your legs don’t have to lock into position in order to maintain the tension, but not so short that it’s uncomfortable.

I discovered the strap also enabled me to lift my head up to meet Onyx’s kisses, which is often difficult in a missionary position as he can only bend down so far and I can only lift up so far (we also both have back problems) and that was a wonderful added bonus!

It definitely gives the sensation of being restrained without actually having to do much work. Nothing unhooks or unbuckles, it just slips behind the head and slips onto the bottoms of the feet, then lift the feet up in the air and voila! It’s definitely not quite the same sensation as a heavy pair of cuffs or rope, but there is an immobilization factor.

I really like grabbing the straps with my hands or wrapping the strap around my wrists while my feet are up in the air as well, which tugs slightly on the straps, enables me to shift my position, and gives the impression that I cannot get out.

In addition to simply aiding the ability to keep legs up in the air the Super Strap Love Sling also assists in g-spot positioning. It can assist in tilting the pelvis up at just the right angle, so the penetrating object (be it flesh or silicone) can get at that sweet spot even easier.

And this is not just for use on females. Personally I prefer taking Onyx’s ass when he is in a doggy style or similar position, since it’s just easier to get at his ass that way, but the strap helps in gaining a comparable level of access when he is on his back, which I definitely like (and he does too).

The Super Strap Love Sling also can be used as a doggy-style strap by tightening each side of the strap (on either side of the fur-lined neck brace rectangle) completely. This makes the strap very short, the length of the rectangle and the feet handles, which can be easily slipped under the receptive partner and used to lift their ass for some penetration from behind. The loops on the end make for excellent handles and also aids in getting the right angle for g-spot or p-spot stimulation.

There are probably other ways this strap could work as well. If you’re small you may be able to slip the handles on the end up and around your knees rather than your feet, so you could have a sort of sling position instead of the legs up in the air. It can, of course, be used in conjunction with other types of bondage to enhance the sensations.

I love that there are multiple possibilities for this affordable and easy-to-use strap, and I know it’s something I have and will use over and over again. Thank you very much to Pink Cherry for letting me review the Super Strap Love Sling,!

PinkCherry.com Sex Toys

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Settling In

I have many drafts in the works, but I can’t seem to publish them for one reason or another. Either I can’t bring myself to work on them to completion, or I just don’t think they’re okay enough to be posted, well, those are kind of the same thing. I’ve had many opportunities to write lately, but I’ve been choosing not to. Mostly I think I’m scared of saying the wrong thing. I haven’t really posed anything worthwhile since everything on TFG happened.

So, what? I don’t know.

Part of settling in to a new city and getting used to it is going out in it. This is a city I actually enjoy going out in, with or without money, unlike the previous one. It’s been nice to actually be somewhere there is somewhat of a nightlife.

Though we’ve been staying in a lot too, doing the usual things like applying for jobs and being generally addicted to ForumWarz. We’ve stayed in to the point of feeling cooped up, and we’ve spent almost entire days out of the house, just balances out.

I’m a bit of a mess right now, so I apologize.

Anyone know an awesome place to work in Seattle that’s hiring? I applied at The Love Zone which was much nicer than their website, and I’m hoping to get it.

My father and his girlfriend will be coming down and over this weekend, then we will be heading to a family gathering of sorts, so I’m hoping to write some things early that will post this weekend.

I have so much in the works, and I’ll get it out soon. I have quite a few reviews I need to get done, so I’m hoping that will motivate me to write other things, like this smut story I’ve been working on for weeks now…

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Pleasurists #16

Jackie Martinez (#11467) by mark sebastian used under a Creative Commons License

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #15? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #17? Submit it here before Sunday February 22nd at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

  • Tantus Beginner Ball Gag by Sleeping Dreamer
  • While I’ve never been heavily into BDSM, this little gag has provided me with a big opportunity (and not just a photo opportunity for you fine folks!) but the opportunity to explore outside of my comfort zone.

    Includes some pretty pictures of the gag itself and the gag in action!

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

lanjut →




Bound (HNT)

Clickity click (see another). Full-sized image.

Onyx and I haven’t explored rope as much as either of us would like. We always opt for cuffs or the Under the Bed Restraints instead of rope bondage, mostly because we don’t have much experience with it.

A couple weeks ago we went to a class taught by Midori which was sponsored by Babeland. We went there expecting rope, and ended up getting scarf bondage instead, which was a blast in and of itself, and we came home with four rods of bamboo which I’m also dying to do a photoshoot with, but we need to get more rope before that can happen.

Even though the class itself didn’t contain rope bondage it’s been on my mind ever since (and before that, too).

Usually HNT ideas just come to me, but this week I had no inspiration even though Valentine’s Day is around the corner I’m not a big fan of the ol’ VD so that wasn’t a help. I picked Marla’s brain for help. She suggested using something from the kinky stocking I recently received, and I did get a gorgeous piece of custom-dyed rope in it. That was too short for what I wanted to do, though, so I went to the longer piece I had and voila!

Be sure to click the image above to see the second image.

Have you noticed I also have a new header? I needed something a little raunchier, and this fit the bill! The image isn’t actually me, it’s Adipositivity 83 by Substantia Jones found via The Adipositivity Project. That info is permanently in the footer of my blog too, in case you’re wondering.

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Size & Sexuality Study – Callaigh

Image provided by Callaigh

This is the sixth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here.

Read the first: luna[KM]
Read the second: icecoldbath
Read the third: Nadia West
Read the fourth: Dee
Read the fifth: E

Callaigh is a 22 year old who describes herself as “about 98% female. I suppose technically I count as bigendered, as there is a small corner of my brain that identifies as male and likes to check women out, and would fuck them if I had the body to go with. (On the other hand, lesbian sex with a woman as a woman does absolutely nothing for me.) I don’t take particular steps to dress femininely on a regular basis, and have cross-dressed on occasion (and identified, internally at least, as male while en homme.) I don’t feel like I can really call myself bigendered, though, as that seems to exaggerate the presence of my animus — it’s nowhere near half and half, and I consider myself basically female with a little corner of separate, male identity.”

When asked to describe her sexual orientation she says: “[I am] quite heterosexual — both my female and male identities. :p (It took me a few years to figure out that I wasn’t bisexual, though, since I do find women attractive…just from a male point of view.)” Currently “I have a best-friend-I-sleep-with, whom I’ll call Dov here. We’re also currently sharing living quarters, a new experience for me.

Her writing can be read on darknestfantasyerotica.com under the name Callaigh, and she is on FetLife as callaigh_warbright.

What size is your body?
Well, heh, I am 5’6″ and shaped like a female dwarf in World of Warcraft — that’s what I tell most people, and that’s what I have as my “avatar” for this internet handle (attached). Saying that I’m about 250 lbs. can be misleading, since I not only have a large frame, but a not-insignificant amount of muscle, and I also carry my extra weight fairly evenly over my body. People often underestimate my weight by 20 or 30 lbs.; I myself have no concept of what a given weight on a given height looks like, really, so even though I know my numbers I prefer not to use them. I have also used terms to describe myself such as (often ironically) “Renaissance beauty” (I am very fair-skinned and decidedly curvy, but have dark hair and eyes) or “cuddly.” I make an awesome pillow. :)

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I generally feel like I’m pretty comfortable with my body. Most of my concerns about my size are practical ones rather than psychological ones: having a hard time being able to find clothing that fits well, not being able to fit my wide hips into some spaces easily (like opera house seats and armchairs,) being hard on shoes and on my joints, and health concerns like being prediabetic and prone to heart disease. Of course I have the occasional twinge of self-consciousness, but it’s less often over the size of my belly and hips than things like stretch marks or breast shape, or being knock-kneed. I actually have a bit of a problem, because I look in the mirror and see myself as looking pretty good, even when an oufit will later prove itself to be quite, quite unflattering. I think of myself as sexual and sexy, and usually feel that way when it’s appropriate, even if I don’t advertise it and tend to dress rather plainly/modestly most of the time. I just wish I had a more accurate body image so I could avoid some of the more egregious mistakes I’ve made in choosing clothing that doesn’t fit OR flatter. :P

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
I joke that I’ve always been in the 99th percentile in everything, and my size is no exception. My mother is a physician, and so when I was growing up she would put me on her scale and measure my height, then pull out this giant green book of pediatric growth charts and show me where I was. By the end of elementary school, I was off the page — and I wasn’t even that overweight then. She used to warn me sternly that if I wasn’t careful, I wouldn’t be able to fit into “regular clothes” anymore and would have to shop in plus sizes. Well, I’m a pretty solid 20/22W now, so so much for that. :p I was also teased mercilessly as a child about my weight, called the Pillsbury Dough-girl (in part because I would yelp when poked in the stomach,) etc. Oddly enough, though, I somehow became determined not to care about my size or become obsessed with dieting and such, in part perhaps because I learned about eating disorders fairly early on, in another part because it was the fashionable thing to do and I had nothing but disdain for the fashionable for a long time, and probably also in part because when someone puts pressure on me about something, especially if it’s a goal I see as being very difficult to accomplish to begin with, I tend to respond with apathy — and my mother, the physician, did her best to impress upon me the dire consequences of obesity in every regard.

How important is sexuality to your life?
I’d say it’s pretty important. Perhaps oddly, my interest in it is largely intellectual, and dealing with where it intersects a lot of my other philosophical/psychological/biological interests, though I have been cognizant of the sexual aspects of my body since at least three years of age.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
It’s…been an interesting trip. When liking boys and going ga-ga over celebrities was fashionable, I didn’t want anything to do with it. I’ve always had a pragmatic, almost academic approach to relationships, and it didn’t make any sense for me to start dating when it wouldn’t mean anything. I had crushes, of course, after a point, but felt that it was just way too early for me to start anything physical, or even a serious emotional relationship. Even in high school I told my boyfriend (who wasn’t supposed to be my boyfriend — we were just supposed to be dating-as-in-going-on-dates) never to “kiss me with desire.” Of course, I was also coming off a three-year radical Catholicism spree in which I learned that oh by the way that thing you’ve been doing since you were three? Sin against God and your future spouse. Oops. Yeah, I gave myself a lot of grief over that before I just sort of got over it and gave up. There are still echoes of that idea that fantasizing about others is disrespectful — I don’t ever have long, drawn-out narrative fantasies, only brief kinesthetic flashes of desire — and I still have an abiding distaste for “real people” porn. (Finding Dov FUCKING SEXY when he’s just gotten out of the shower, though? Totally cool with me. I suspect he doesn’t mind either.)

One thing I do still find problematic is reconciling two kinds of innocence: innocence of knowledge and innocence of guilt.. I feel that in our society too often sexual experience, especially for women, equates to guilt: experienced women are soiled, marred, impure, and disposable, subject to everyone’s desire if they are subject to that of one person, even themselves (c.f. my paranoia about being found out for owning a dildo.) But I can’t pretend that I’m innocent of knowledge anymore, at least not to myself. (To my parents, and to those whose no business it is, well. That’s another thing entirely.) I boggled the other day that, in saying that Dov is a fantastic kisser, I realized I had six other people to compare him to. By some people’s standards, that makes me a slut.

But I haven’t done anything wrong. I still feel childlike, innocent and, yes, pure. And why shouldn’t I feel that way? I haven’t hurt anyone or done anything irresponsible or betrayed some essential nature of myself — quite the contrary. So I say that while I am not innocent of knowledge, and thank god for that — I have never valued naiveté, and did a lot of self-sexual-education before I ever was even considering a sexual relationship with someone — I am innocent of guilt. And I’m not going to let anyone else convince me otherwise.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
That very much depends on context. I still find that being seen as sexual by the body politic tends to invite unwanted attention and provoke unwarranted assumptions that I just don’t want to deal with, so I dress modestly and conduct myself demurely in general — and I just don’t think it would be in my nature to advertise my proclivities even if there weren’t any consequences. However, in certain contexts — with someone I’m involved with, obviously, or (to take one strange example) on the dance floor of a club, the usual order of things is not present and so I can be sexual and still be safe without worrying about losing respect. (One funny story about clubs, though: I’ve only been “clubbing” once, and took great glee in inverting the usual “booty dancing” protocol — I had boys dancing on my hips, my legs between theirs and my hand firm against the small of their backs, pulling their bodies against me: instead of presenting myself as an object of desire, which role I’ve never been comfortable accepting because it is too passive and too dependent one externals except in close relationships, and involves too much of a giving-over of power to the eyes of the beholder (hah!), I decided to let the boys come to me, myself remaining unabashed and confirmed in my own sexiness. And they did. :3 It was delicious.)

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Probably not very comfortable, haha! I’m curvy, but I’m nowhere near the “ideal” curviness that seems to be cropping up as the alternative proposed by size-positive groups. The ideal hasn’t been abolished; just moved — see the Dove ads, for one. For another, less idealistic example, I’ve noticed that “chubby” appreciation threads on 4chan (a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but it passes the time upon occasion) mostly just have normal-sized women…with extremely large breasts. I’m proportional. On a smaller woman, my breasts would be a C-cup, though on me they’re a D because of the weirdness with the way bra sizes work. A girl who was rather slimmer than I (though still “chubby”) with proportionally larger breasts, posted pictures of herself and was told that she “really drew the short stick; your boobs are kinda small for a fat chick.” That said, society can go fuck itself, by and large, because I have had PLENTY of affirmation that there’s a good chunk of the population that thinks I’m damn hot. :p I don’t demand that the maximum number of people find me attractive; in fact, I think that would be a burden! That said, people who would find me attractive solely because I fit into a certain size category piss me off no matter what size they see as ideal. I am not a size. I’m not “a BBW” any more than I’m a 36-24-36. I’m me, dammit, not a collection of checkmarked traits. I don’t have a “type” (for men) — who I find attractive is largely based on how close I feel to them, how much solidarity and understanding exists between us. If someone finds me attractive just because I’m “their type,” I tend to view that attraction as ungenuine, and more likely to be debunked later when they recognize all the traits of mine that don’t fit their type. (Strangely enough, though…with women, I do have a general type, and a girl who fits it will literally turn my head. I like hips. A lot. Of course, there is the added layer that I don’t see myself as having very close relationships with other women, even friendships — I tend to get along better with guys — and due to the exigencies of biology, I don’t see myself ever pursuing a sexual relationship with a woman unless they come up with some way of body-swapping on demand so I can have the male body to suit the male part of my brain that likes to interrupt my train of thought when a hot girl walks by.)

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
Er. I suppose I take a pragmatic, accepting approach to both in a society that is rather fond of dealing with both in idealized, judgmental ways.

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