This just happened on Wednesday and while there have been many blog posts about it recently I’m mostly writing this in case for some reason you haven’t heard about it. Tristan Taormino was originally invited to OSU to give the keynote at their Modern Sex Conference and was uninvited essentially because of her work in pornography, which is only a fraction of what she does. This was only after she purchased her own airfare under the promise of reimbursement (which will probably not be reimbursed now). The following information about the situation is taken directly from Tristan’s website along with my own feelings about it. For the full scope of the issue you can read about it directly on Tristan’s website.

It’s no secret that I am a huge fan of Tristan Taormino’s work. I have numerous books and DVDs of hers and had the fortune of meeting her and taking a workshop from her last year when she came to Seattle, so I admit to not being completely unbiased on this issue. My bias, however, comes from the fact that she is an amazing educator who works in numerous mediums to try to get the message of sex-positivity out to anyone who will listen.

The “problem” with Tristan speaking at the conference, according to OSU, seems to be because they are paying her to attend and give the keynote (the other speakers may or may not be compensated) with taxpayer money and she’s a pornographer. While I can understand the school’s reservations on some levels it also seems like ridiculous bureaucracy runaround at it’s finest. This is a conference called “Modern Sex” after all, how much more modern can you get than a feminist female pornographer?

It seems like the crux of the issue isn’t just that she is involved in pornography ingeneral, because there are other speakers who are, but it’s giving money to a known pornographer, someone who supposedly has a “significant online business in video pornography” (which isn’t really accurate). Maybe they think giving a pornographer money would be like saying you approve of their work. How horrible! Or something. Really, though, why is this such a big deal? It’s not like her work is illegal or negative. It’s not like she isn’t known for being an ethical feminist pornographer and we’re talking about her speaking at a sexuality conference!

Of course, it’s all because it’s tied to a public school who is given taxpayer money. Everyone knows those taxpayers hate pornography. Obviously.

OSU is trying to blame it on the organizers of the conference, however, saying that they provided a “partial description of the speaker in question as a writer and sex advice columnist.” What? Obviously it’s okay to give money to someone who writes sexy things and gives sex advice but once that moves into a video format that’s somehow wrong. Pornography is evil, even if it’s awesome positive sex education with some fucking on the side, which is what the videos of Tristan’s I’ve seen are.

The scenario I see in my head when reading about this is that someone decided to look on Tristan’s website, saw that she makes porn, and decided to complain about her inclusion in the conference to Student Affairs. This was only after many months of talking with Tristan and conveniently not long after she bought the airfare, probably because it was announced that she was definitely coming. I just don’t see the logic in where they’re drawing the line, though. Probably because there isn’t any.

You can read the original and updated information on Tristan’s website. There is also information there on how to contact OSU.

Unfortunately I was unable to participate in the first round of Student Bloggers on Kink Academy but I eagerly read along with the first batch of students as the first semester progressed and came to a close. Every day since I’ve been watching their twitter stream for the important announcement: registration⁰¹ for semester two is open! This semester I have the time and ability to dedicate to this position and I’m really hoping to be given the chance to participate.

Aside from thinking that Kink Academy is awesome, why would I be interested in becoming a student blogger in the first place? I can’t say that I’m not attracted to being paid to blog, of course, since paid gigs are wonderful. But even if there was no money involved I would be applying. Why? Having videos I have to watch and a post I have to write every week about them and my experience after watching them not only gives me great blog fodder but also the opportunity to get even closer to Onyx. Let me explain.

Kink has been in my life for may years but has seemed to come in waves. The waves that kink has come in the last few years has more to do with my relationship status than anything else. For quite a while after the beginning of our relationship Onyx and I were pretty regularly engaging in kinky sex and in a D/S relationship. When I moved in with him something switched in our relationship dynamic, and then later we switched.

Relationships are constantly changing, and we both knew that, but we just weren’t fitting together the way we had before and so we tried out different roles and activities to try to fit together again. Through much communication and exploration we came back together, and then started drifting apart again, and it continued in that pattern for a few years. We would get closer, then we would get farther apart. In the last year, however, kink has been on an upswing due to the better connection we have after facing the possible end of our relationship and I’m dedicated to keeping it that way.

I’ve been talking a lot about kink around here recently since starting the 30 Days of Kink writing prompt. Looking at my kinky desires and activities in order to answer the prompts has lead to more communication with Onyx about it and has lead to greater kinky harmony in our lives. It has become something innate lately rather than something we have to work on, which is amazingly wonderful, and unlike some times in the past we aren’t finding ourselves in a rut. Part of the trick to keeping our dynamic exciting is partially our connection which has never been better and part playing and experimenting with new things. This is how Kink Academy would help us get closer.

While I would say I know a good amount of tips and techniques related to kink as well as sex and sexuality I also have a lot more to learn. There is always more to learn. Even now our activities aren’t terribly varied, although they’re lots of fun, and being able to explore the vast amount of wonderful Kink Academy videos would help us explore new activities including those we have been wanting to do for years but haven’t due to lack of knowledge.

I’m really quite excited about this opportunity. I followed the first semester of student bloggers eagerly and enviously and now I’m hoping to be part of the second round. Someday, once I’m teaching sex ed classes of my own, I hope to work with Kink Academy as part of the faculty, but one thing at a time. For now, delving in to the wonderful wealth of sex-positive videos will help my knowledge and experience grow.

1. or, perhaps more accurately: application [↩]

I don’t think I’ve read a better description or example of sex positivity before. It’s clear and concise and isn’t hinged upon using “positive” speech despite the sex-positive name:

Although fewer people would say that “I think anal sex is amazing” is a sex-negative statement, I consider it to be just as problematic as “I think anal sex is gross.” What makes something like this sex-negative isn’t whether one uses a positive or negative adjective. It’s that saying these sorts of things neglects the diversity of sexual experiences and pleasures.

Simply put, these sorts of things aren’t true. Anal sex is gross for some people and amazing for some people and boring for some people and exciting for some people. No matter what word you use to finish the sentence, you’re leaving out many people’s experiences and that is what makes it sex-negative.

On the other hand, when you say something like “I enjoy/dislike/fill-in-the-blank anal sex,” you’re practicing mindful speech. You’re explicitly recognizing that your experience is your own. You’re not making a sweeping statement and you’re not claiming that anyone else should have the same response that you have. It doesn’t matter whether the word you use is positive or negative in this example, either.

Sex-positivity isn’t about enjoying every possible way to have sex. Sex-positivity isn’t about only using positive words when talking about sex.

Sex-positivity is about making room for different people to have wildly different experiences. And in order to do so, we can practice using language that makes room for that. One of the best (and most difficult) ways to do that is to own our experiences and try to not make sweeping statements. It’s simultaneously quite simple and incredibly difficult, which is why so many people seem to not understand it. Well, that and the fact that there aren’t a lot of examples of mindful speech in the media- it doesn’t make for good soundbites. [emphasis mine]

This is from a post by Charlie Glickman on Good Vibrations Magazine called Owning Your Words: Sex-Positivity, Mindful Speech, and Why Some People Don’t Get It. I highly encourage you to read the entire article to get all of it in context, though what I quoted above is the crux of it. He has other awesome points that are just as important, however, so go read. I’ll be here when you get back.

Why does this matter? I’ve considered myself sex-positive for quite some time and this distinction is an important one. I’ve heard people saying that “sex-positivity” is some sort of trend word, which in some ways I think is true. There seems to be a big trend in those who write about sex and sexuality⁰¹ to adopt the term “sex-positive” even when it’s clear they know nothing about what it means.

Of course, being sex-positive and confronting your own internalized sex-negativity⁰² is a continual process, it’s not something you earn like a merit badge that you can then flash at people to prove that you are sex-positive. Saying you’re sex-positive only gets you so far if you don’t walk the walk. I love his point that it’s not about always saying something positive either, despite “positive” being right in the term itself. I think this is something people get hung up on and a very important point to make.

It may be some sort of trendy word to some, but for others of us it is something we strive for.

1. as opposed to “sex bloggers” since I don’t really like that term [↩]
2. let’s face it, we all have some [↩]

Just like everything else the needs of poly people can change quite often. Since Onyx and I got back together and I returned to Seattle we have had quite a few casual play experiences but neither of us have really been interested in another new relationship. I think at least partially this is because we were both so burned by the last one, but mostly because of the change in our dynamic and activities.

We’ve both gotten considerably more involved in the local occult community than we ever really have been before while we’ve been together. Our D/s-slash-O/p relationship is also far more solid and working. Also we both are working a lot and I’ve been taking a certification class recently. Add all this up together and it means we have just about enough time for each other, let alone someone else.

This is one of the drawbacks of being poly: even with a desire for another relationship there is a point when it comes down to how much time you feasibly have for a new relationship. Now, all of this isn’t to say that either of us would be against a new relationship should something develop organically (the only way we would want it to anyway), but neither of us is actively looking for another partner.

That being said I do still feel the pang of desire for being with a woman. I need a woman in my life with which to have an intimate relationship, that is just a fundamental truth at this point. I’m confident, however, that I will find someone when the time is right. There are just too many things that I am working on and that Onyx and I are working on together so there isn’t much room for anything else. I am very much still poly, as is Onyx, but that doesn’t mean we’re out there actively looking for new relationships.

This isn’t abnormal for poly people, in fact while in the midst of writing this post I came upon the term polysaturated⁰¹ which describes what I’m feeling quite perfectly, except I only currently have one partner but many many activities.

This all said, not looking for a relationship also does not exclude the possibility of casual and play partners, in my opinion. Something with friendship and emotions but without being “serious” would be ideal for me at this point in time. I would love the opportunity for purposefully casual play with friends as we’ve already explored a little.

This desire has definitely encouraged me to get looking around more at the local kink community, which I am already making plans to get more into. Not just to find causal play partners but to friend friends first and foremost. While there is definitely bleed over between the occult and the kinky scenes here in Seattle it’s also not a ready topic to be broached with a new acquaintance at occult social events.

Anyone who is already friends with me on FetLife may have noticed that I’ve been on there more lately and I’ve especially been looking at events in my area and tirelessly ticking “going to” or “might be going to” when I find one that interests me. Onyx has been doing much the same. We already signed up for a Delving Into Power workshop with Lee Harrington in February which we’re both very much looking toward. Plus the weekend intensive class I’m taking is over next weekend so we will have more opportunity to go to events than we have in the last two months.

I’ve been slowly pulling our focus toward kink as well as everything else that we’re doing, as I’m sure you may have noticed if you’ve been reading this blog at all the last couple months. Whether or not this happened because of starting the 30 Days of Kink or I started the 30 Days of Kink because my focus was already shifting to kink-related areas is a definite chicken and egg scenario. Regardless, it’s happening.

I’m really looking forward to getting into the community here, and I’m sure I will share as that journey moves along. Perhaps the ebb and flow of poly needs and desires will change once again through this exploration.

1. via Gabe on FetLife [↩]

Most notably, Essin’ Em is putting together a list of Bloggers Who Make You Think and I wanted to bring it to the attention of my readers just in case, you know, you felt like nominating someone. Perhaps someone whose first name is also a color. Just sayin’.

Yes, this is me asking for nominations. I don’t do this often, but for this list⁰¹ I’m willing to do it. Why? Well, first, it’s not an ordered list, it will be alphabetical, which makes the most sense. Ordered lists just seem to be drama magnets and also not necessary. While it may feel awesome to be at the top of lists and there are some people who are happy just to be included there are also plenty of others who get offended by a low number. It’s just not worth it.

Second, it actually takes an effort in order to nominate someone. You’re not just supposed to link to their blog, oh no, you have to link to a specific blog post that made you think. You have to think about the nomination of someone who made you think. Yeah. That’s awesome.

So, if there’s a blog post (recent or old) of mine that made you think, please go nominate me. I’ll be grateful.

Speaking of lists of bloggers, I was also recently included in the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2010. I was included in 2009 and 2008 as well. There’s been some drama surrounding this year’s list which I don’t feel the need to go into. Ultimately, I’m glad to be listed, although I think there are tons of great blogs that aren’t.

1. which seems the most sane list that’s been created thus far and far better than the list I did at the beginning of 2009 [↩]

Sinclair Sexsmith just put out this Call for Submissions on her blog and asked for it to be distributed. Since I like to post call for submissions on here to help spread the word here it is.

Call for Submissions: Lesbian BDSM Erotica Anthology [Title TBA]
To be published by Cleis Press in fall 2011

Editor Sinclair Sexsmith is looking for hot, sexy, well-written stories about kinky sex between queer women, from bondage scenarios to power play to role play to sadism and masochism to sensation play for a new anthology of lesbian BDSM erotica. Looking for characters with a range of age, race, sexual experience, gender identity and gender expression: butch, femme, genderqueer, gender-non-conforming, dapper, and others will all be considered. Cis women, trans women, and genderqueer characters who identify with the lesbian community are welcome. Stories should have strong literary voice, characters, tension, and rising action. All characters must be over 18. Prose only will be considered, no comics, graphic stories, or poetry. For examples of what I am looking for, see Tristan Taormino’s collection Best Lesbian Bondage Erotica.

Deadline: January 1, 2011

How to submit: Send your story in a Times New Roman 12 point black font Word document (.doc) with pages numbered of 1,500 to 5,000 words to lesbianbdsmerotica@gmail.com. Double space the document and indent the first line of each paragraph. US grammar required. If you are using a pseudonym, provide your real name and be clear under which you would like to be published. Include your mailing address and a 50 words or less bio in the third person. Publisher has final approval over the manuscript.

About the editor: Sinclair Sexsmith runs the award-winning personal online writing project Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Gender, and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top at www.sugarbutch.net. With work published in various anthologies, including the Best Lesbian Erotica series, Sometimes She Lets Me: Butch/Femme Erotica, and Visible: A Femmethology volume 2, Mr. Sexsmith also writes columns for online publications and facilitates workshops on sex, gender, and relationships. Find her full portfolio and schedule at www.mrsexsmith.com.

This post is part of the Scarleteen Sex Ed Blog Carnival. What’s that, you ask? Click to read more about it.

The sex education I received in school was more than what was legally allowed for the state I was in. Alaska was (and is, I believe) an “abstinence only” state and I distinctly remember my health teacher in High School giving us far more information than we were “supposed” to have and telling us to keep it hush hush. At the time I was a Junior, though most people took health their Freshman year. I don’t remember any sexual education at all before that except for when the girls and boys were separated in elementary school and we watched a video about menstruation. Not exactly the same thing.

Even though what my health teacher taught was more than was considered acceptable by the state, it was still far less than teens need to know. Her great rebellion was to talk about condoms and birth control in addition to the scare-tactic teaching of the abstinence only curriculum complete with pictures of STDs and emphasis on the values of waiting. The knowledge she shared, however, was nothing that I didn’t already know about.

Really, a lot of my early sex education came from my sister who is seven years older than me. Our mother is very much a second-wave feminist and wasn’t as big on sexual education or sexuality in general, so she stepped in to fill that gap. She gave me books about my body, sexuality, and feminism. I read Cunt when I was twelve, for instance. She took me into Babeland Seattle when I was fourteen and bought me a vibrator. Most of this was long after I had discovered the internet and had already begun exploring sexuality, but she definitely guided me from afar as I walked the path.

I was first pointed toward Scarleteen in 2002, I believe, though not by my sister. I remember the situation quite clearly, actually, but the date is a little fuzzy to me. I was in a queer & kinky novelty shop (stickers, buttons, shirts, etc.) in Anchorage, Alaska that also sold a small smattering of sex toys and bdsm equipment. I was underage and asked the clerk directly about my ability to purchase items of a sexual nature. He said a cuff and blindfold set (I still have the blindfold) would be acceptable to purchase in addition to the stickers I had chosen, though not a few of the other things I was interested in, and asked me if I knew of a site named Scarleteen.

At that point I had already been interested in sexuality and had been exploring it for quite some time, though I was still a virgin. In fact, the reason why I was visiting Anchorage (I lived in Juneau) was for a queer youth leadership retreat. I was going to the retreat because it was the same year I was going to start the Gay-Straight Alliance at my high school. This incident was before the retreat and the suggestion lay dormant in my subconscious for a little while after I got back, but I made my way to Scarleteen soon after.

I was never heavily active on the Scarleteen forums, though I have been looking around them recently and wish I had been. I was always busy and a bit of an isolationist, so the community I found there would probably have been a better one than the online community I actually frequented. I would like to lie and say that Scarleteen was something I utilized to its fullest potential, but in all honesty it wasn’t. That doesn’t mean I didn’t use it, though.

I remember looking around the site for information and my exploration of sexuality was definitely influenced heavily by the articles I read. Scarleteen came rather late in my exploration as I had already discovered the internet, sexuality, and kink before it was introduced to me but even so it definitely made an impact.

It is a source of an amazing wealth of honest and accurate sex information that is an amazing resource for everyone. While it’s geared toward teens I know it has a thing or two (or more) that anyone and everyone would benefit from reading, and lots of information that most “adults” don’t know. With the state of sex education in general Scarleteen is an amazing resource that needs all the support that we can give it. Just the fact that something like Scarleteen exists is a blessing.

Scarleteen was a part of my sexual education, and has affected and continues to effect people every single day since it was founded. I have no doubt that the world needs the information and education that Scarleteen provides. We need it, and right now Scarleteen needs us.

What Scarleteen Needs:

Last year, Scarleteen needed increased donations in order to get through the end of 2009 and into 2010, in large part because private donations for a few years previous had been so low and left us in a very financially precarious position. We increased our financial goals to reflect the need for a minimum annual operating budget of $70,000. Thanks to generous contributions from our supporters in response to that appeal, while we were not able to reach that level, we were able to raise what we needed to not only get through 2009, but were able to use the funds wisely to sustain the organization through 2010. Our goal now is to continue to work toward that annual operating budget. Ideally, we would like to see a minimum of $20,000 in individual donations each year to combine with funding from private grants. In order for that to happen, we need for current donors to keep giving, and we also also need to cultivate new donors.

We’re asking for your help in either giving a donation of your own or encouraging your readers, colleagues, friends and family to donate. Given our visibility, tenure and traffic, with your help, meeting our goal should not be particularly challenging. A $100 donation can pay half of our server bill for a month, or half the monthly cost of the text-in service, or can fund any kind of use of the site, including one-on-one counsel and care, for around 10,000 of our daily users. However, we very much appreciate donations at any level. Read more about the support Scarleteen needs.

If you’re interested click here to donate now. Every little bit helps!

So you know I’m not just asking you to do this without doing anything myself: in addition to this blog post I set up a monthly donation to Scarleteen and I am working on filling out the volunteer application and will dedicate my time to it, given the chance that they want me. I’m dedicated to helping Scarleteen remain an amazing online resource, and I hope you are interested in helping as well.

More about Scarleteen:

Scarleteen has been the premier online sexuality resource for young people worldwide since 1998, and has the longest tenure of any sex education resource for young people online. We have consistently provided free, inclusive, comprehensive and positive sex education, information and one-on-one support to millions, and have never shied away from discussing sexuality as more than merely posing potential risks, but as posing potential benefits, something rarely seen in young adult sex education. We built the online model for teen and young adult sex education and have never stopped working hard to sustain, refine and expand it.

What you might not know is that Scarleteen is the highest ranked online young adult sexuality resource but also the least funded and that the youth who need us most are also the least able to donate. You might not know that we have done all we have with a budget typically lower than the median annual household income in the U.S. You might not know we have provided the services we have to millions without any federal, state or local funding and that we are and have always been fully independent media which depends on public support to survive and grow.

You also might not know Scarleteen is primarily funded by people who care deeply about teens having this kind of vital and valuable service; individuals like you and your readers who want better for young people than what they get in schools, on the street or from initiatives whose aim is to intentionally use fearmongering, bias and misinformation about sexuality to try to scare or intimidate young people into serving their own personal, political or religious agendas. Read more about Scarleteen.

Yesterday (October 11th) was National Coming Out Day. If I had been on top of things this post would have come out then, but I’m a little bit behind on just about everything at this moment. I used this day to reflect on my identities. Here are some of my thoughts.

I’ve been out for quite a while. Unless this is your first time here and/or you haven’t read the about page yet you should already know that I have a long string of labels I like to use in order to describe my identities. I am a genderqueer fat femme drag queen fagette and pomo queer intellisexual polyamorous switch. I am also an occultist, sacred whore, astrologer, and all manner of other things. Specifically NCOD refers to coming out of the proverbial closet, or LGBT(QQIA) people coming out, so I focused on my identity string.

I’ve talked about this before, but the main reason why I use so many identity words strung together like I do is so that it is nearly impossible to pigeonhole me into one identity or another. Instead, it forces people to acknowledge the way the identities blend and interchange between them, and how my identities are fluid. At least, that’s my theory.

I don’t really have a story of coming out to my parents. I remember being a teenager telling my mother I was bisexual. Her response? “Oh. I thought you were a lesbian.” And that was it. During the triad with Marla I told both of my parents about her and our relationship configuration and they both responded without judgment, just asked practical questions about the situation.

Coming out, ultimately, is an ongoing process both for me and, really, for everyone. While there are people who fit into the stereotypical way that a certain identity or another looks there are just as many if not more people who are not so easy to categorize with a look. For those of us who are not blatantly obvious we have to come out over and over again, to just about everyone we choose. This is compounded by the fact that I present femme most of the time and have a cisgendered male partner so we are often mistaken for a straight couple even though neither of us is straight.

This isn’t to say I walk up to new people and give them the string of identity words I used above, but it does mean that there are times I have to come out, sometimes coming out multiple times to the same person.

It can be exhausting, but I appreciate the ability to live stealth as well, so I can be privy to those possibly bigoted conversations and attempt to put in my own two cents, and as a result maybe change some minds.

One thing that continues to amaze me is the ability someone has to be an inspiration for others simply by being themselves. By doing what is right and good for you others can be inspired to do the same for themselves, and I love this. Every time you come out is an act of courage. Feel free to come out in the comments.

I discovered this via Rayne and thought it would be an excellent exercise. There’s a 30 Days of Letters prompt that a few people I read have been doing, but I wasn’t inspired to do that one. I’ve been thinking a lot about bdsm and kink lately but haven’t written a lot about it, so I think this will be good for me. Maybe I can get Onyx to do it on his blog too.

I’ll update this post as I go with the links. By the way, I’m still hoping people will submit a post for my What Brings You Pleasure feature!

The 30 Days/Questions

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Day 2: List your kinks.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Other 30 Days of Kink

Rayne @ Insatiable Desire
Cinnamon @ Seeing My Own Reflection
Gabe & Elizabeth @ Pornocracy
Kathryn/Lady Dreyanan @ Mistress Says

Are you doing it too? Comment and let me know!

I found this via twitter the other day and it struck me, so I wanted to share it and my thoughts on it. This isn’t a new video, it was posted in February of 2009, but it’s new to me and may be new to you. It’s Dan Savage talking about his idea of “The Price of Admission” for long-term relationships and how the best types of relationships are ones that make you better. Watch, enjoy, and see my thoughts under.

This is something Onyx and I have talked about quite a lot, and it’s not a new concept in many ways, but I do think that he is telling it in a way that is just well thought out and excellent. This idea of The Price of Admission really makes sense. With all our happily ever afters we grow up believing that there is some sort of perfect person out there who will fill a piece of ourselves we didn’t know we were missing. Those who grew up cynics like me never really had that fantasy, but I know plenty of people who did. I can’t say I was completely above it either, but being polyamorous definitely helps in that regard as well.

I think it’s part of my poly outlook that compensates partially for this one perfect person trope, since that’s part of the reason I am poly. I don’t believe that one person can complete another, I believe we are complete beings already but that we are all also intertwined and need each other for other reasons, but not in order to be complete. On that line, I do believe that any individual needs more than one interaction, whether or not that is sexual or romantic is another story, but I’m open to the possibility of sexual and romantic partnerships other than the one I have with Onyx, though I’m not actively seeking one right now.

Poly tangent aside and back to The Price of Admission. The PoA is really something everyone does in every kind of long-term relationship, friendships included. We ignore the little things that bug us (as much as we can) and focus on the things we love about the other person. If you are constantly looking for perfection in everyone else most likely you won’t have any friends and you will be a hypocrite. No one is perfect, but I do think that two people can be perfect for each other and fit together well.

I love his theory about the growth that can be inspired by long-term relationships, as I think it is really true and has definitely been proven true in my relationship with Onyx. Through encouraging the person/people you are with to be that lie they wish they were, the person they present in the beginning of courtship when they are trying to woo you as best they can you are then encouraging them to growth and to become that better person. Everyone does this, not just lovers but also friends, and it doesn’t always have to be a lie necessarily, we all have different personae that are still us even if they are ones ignoring the flaws.

It comes out similar to many cliches I’m sure we’ve all heard, such as real friends know everything about you but still like you anyway or there’s no perfect person only those perfect for you. Like Dan says, the most successful long-term relationships are ones in which you don’t just put up with the things that irritate you about your partner, but you actually accept them and make room for them in your relationship.