Category: Love & Relationships

Changes

On September 7, 2007

I’ve been having a really good conversation with glen and Kat today, and yesterday with Kat. There is a lot of things going on at the moment.

I placed an amazon order yesterday, should get it tomorrow. I bought The Better Built Bondage Book because I want to start making my own bondage gear, and perhaps even sell it, but that will come later. I also bought Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus A dual book with a slave training manual and a training workbook. This should be helpful to Master and me in our work on training, the same with Protocols: Handbook for the female slave, which is described in the comments as “I found this book interesting because often, particularly in newMaster/slave relations, the slave is unsure what to do to serve theMaster and the Master is unsure how he wants to be served. This bookseems designed to help in those situations.” Which I think will also be helpful to us.

My half of a conversation with glen today:

“Kat and I were talking about my issues with Master yesterday and she suggested she be my online Domme, and part of me wants that but part of me is scared of it, and I wonder if I even can be submissive anymore. Master and I… we go in stints, sort of, we aren’t constant, and we’re hardly M/s, more D/s than anything, and I’m working on that, but we both are having trouble with it, and I’m basically hung up on it. I think part of me wants to fix things with him before getting into anything with her. He’s a Dom, and I’m a slave, and we’re trying to work with that. A lot of it is, he was a Master with his ex-wife, I think, but she was broken, she had been abused, she wasn’t so much a slave as it was convenient for her to be. And so he became completely and totally dependant on him, financially, emotionally, the whole gambit. And he’s scared of that happening. Part of him knows it won’t with me. But it’s not a rational fear.

“There’s a level of dependancy that is healthy, though, and a level that is not, and he wants it at the same time as he pulls away from it, so we’re working on it, slowly. It’s difficult, too, because we have these desires and aims, but we’re both very busy people and we have two roommates, so we can’t really do much when they’re around, even in our own room because sound travels… hopefully they should be moving out soon, but, even so.

“We came to the revelation last weekend that what we want (what I want?) is to be able to switch in and out of our roles when needed, which is, I think, how 24/7 relationships should be, being able to go between one and the other so that we have some times when we act like “regular” couples. And the best thing to do with that is to go to the other extreme ’cause we do the acting like “regular” couples thing easily, lol.

“The first few months I was horrid, I was pushing the boundaries, trying to find out how much I could get away with. He wouldn’t stop me. Practically no matter what. It was frustrating and I just got more and more upset and uppity, and he didn’t know what to do or how to handle me. I would get to the point where all I could do is break down, and most of the time I wouldn’t be able to identify the problem right away. I’m very good at blocking out issues and letting them eat at me inside.

“The thing is, I am happy, being with Onyx… it’s the best thing I’ve experienced, I’m sure you can relate. It’s just… not enough, I guess? Not fulfilling enough. I need to feel submissive to him and I want to, but it never quite gets to the point I want it to be. It’ll get there, though, we’ve got time. =)”

Something New

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 1, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Master and I are going to start a new aspect of our M/s relationship today, basically going with some training ideas, or the ideas in our contract. He wants me to call him Master in front of our roommates, too, and that part scares me a little. I’m a rather private person, and I don’t really enjoy the idea of doing that, but I’ll do it. It’ll be interesting.

I don’t know what other training ideas of mine he wants to incorporate yet, we basically decided on this last night, and I’m excited about it, but also scared, as I mentioned above, but also a little in general. I wonder about my ability to submit, I wonder if I’ll be good enough, if I’ll live up to both of our standards, if he even wants this.

We talked last night about 24/7 type things, about our M/s status in our relationship, about what I want. We didn’t really talk about what he wants. I don’t know what he wants most of the time, and I hope it’s this. He says he wants what I want, but has to get over his initial aversion to it. The last time he tried to enter into a 24/7 thing it ended with the woman completely dependent on him, 100%, and on some level he knows that won’t happen to me, but on another level he’s frightened that it might. This was something that only dawned on me yesterday, and so I brought it up, and he confirmed it. I should have thought of it before, but he doesn’t talk much about the D/s aspects of himself and his ex-wife, and I think that’s probably majorly because he’s not too happy/proud of them. I won’t go into details, as it’s not my right, but I can understand that.

On some level he knows that I am different, that I will not be like she was, but there is still that fear. It’s the same fear I have of him sometimes, though for a different reason. I have that “you’re going to leave me” fear, even though I know he won’t, not for years if ever, I know that he is different than the people I’ve been with/around before, but I still have that fear. It’s hard to get over those preconceived notions of current situations that we’ve gained from previous ones. But together, we will.

So far today I’m loving it. I love calling him Master, I love doing things with him, being with him, doing what he asks of me, and pleasing him in general. I’ve needed this, I’ve missed this, and I’m glad that we’re getting to a place where it’s being incorporated. I feel more alive, content, and fulfilled than I have in a long while.

Things I Want

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 30, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

A collar like one of these two, or some combination thereof (but not ruby, like the first one is, garnet, which closely resembles what Master first described to me to be the collar he would like to get me:
(14:49:41) (@living`dead`pet) so, i decided that mentioning wanting to buy me a collar but then not getting one is not nice, despite of the fact that you can’t find one. that’s not the point.
(14:50:20) (@Pan) Oh I am getting you one
(14:50:33) (@living`dead`pet) i know
(14:50:58) (@living`dead`pet) but i want it now =P
(14:51:16) (@Pan) Maybe I’ll get you a fairly basic one at first until I can afford to have another custom made
(14:52:35) (@living`dead`pet) it could work
(14:52:47) (@living`dead`pet) i don’t completely mind waiting, only i do
(14:52:50) (@living`dead`pet) if that makes sense
(14:52:52) (@Pan) The one I envision would be pretty pricey, but very pretty
(14:53:02) (@living`dead`pet) oh?
(14:53:51) (@Pan) mmmhmmm
(14:55:01) (@Pan) Thinking of an all metal collar, with three rings and set with garnets
(14:56:13) • @living`dead`pet grins
(14:56:23) (@living`dead`pet) that sounds nice. though, yes, pricey
(14:57:38) (@Pan) But a nice leather collar in the meanwhile to let you get used to wearing it would be nice
(14:57:59) • @living`dead`pet nods
(14:58:37) • @Pan smiles

The first one shown is ruby, as mentioned, and I would want garnets, the second one has onyx. We were thinking one ring and maybe a garnet, onyx, garnet pattern or visa versa, something like this:

only with garnets and onyx, but the changing colors and number is correct. It’s super expensive, though, but I love it, and so does Master.

We also figure, with that, since it’s smallish I’d be able to wear play collars with it as well, and I could get a collar to wear at work that would be work-acceptable which would cover that one. So…

For work I want:

in black.

For play I want these two (and more):

And then generally I’m wanting to get both The Master’s Manual and The Compleat Slave both by Jack Rinella, two that go together and have both me and Master read them. Also wanting SlaveCraft which is written by “a grateful slave” and Guy Baldwin. They both seem interesting. I also want tons of other bondage books, but those are my current top-of-the-wishlist.

One whole year

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On August 28, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Today is my one year anniversary of moving to SLC. I’m listening to a couple voice posts I made on livejournal last year, including the revelation that I would be moving here. I’m thinking over the last year, as well, and all the things that has happened, and how short it seems.

Master and I are definitely at a different point than where we started when we started being 24/7, but we still aren’t nearly where I would like us to be, I think he agrees… I think. Sometimes I wonder if he would really want all the things I do, he doesn’t really like to be strict, he likes to give me leeway and let me get away with things… and while part of me likes and takes advantage of that, the other part of me…

Part of it, I think, is we need to set aside time, which I’ve been saying for a while. A lot of it is I need to feel better about myself, lose some weight, actually do some of the things I keep saying I will. I have been feeling disappointed in myself lately. Disappointed and ugly. It’s not a great thing to feel. And when I feel like this, I don’t want to give myself to someone else, I don’t feel worthy of giving myself to someone else. It just doesn’t quite work.

I question how much he wants to be my Master (not that he wants to be with me, mind you). I think he would be more comfortable as a Dom or Top, but I haven’t given him that luxury, and I think it’s hurting us a little. I question how much I want to be his slave, also (though, again, not that I want to be with him). I question how much I can give, how much I can trust, and how much I can rely on him.

We were at different places before I moved here, and I realize that more now, and we’ve had conversations about it. I was fully committed to him, and he wasn’t. Now he is to me, but I’m having trouble getting over that initial betrayal, not consciously, but my unconscious is driving my actions lately.

Whenever I feel bad, I shut down, close off, and he doesn’t know what to do when I do that, and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if I know how to not wall off when I do that. I’m trying, but… it’s difficult.

I go in waves, wanting to be his slave, wanting to be away from him, wanting nothing to do with him. Mostly it’s my stuff, honestly. Mostly I’m not opening up, I’m shutting down and running away for various reasons.

He recognizes mistakes, he knows I have trouble trusting him, and I don’t make it easy on him. I don’t make it easy at all, but he’s never let me go, and he’s never given me a reason to leave, only I have done that. Some days I’m so worried about losing him that I pull away and push him away at the same time, I try to distance myself because I’m sure I’m not good enough, or pretty enough, or too fat, but he pulls me back in. He’s wonderful like that.

I have no regrets about moving here, though I wish we lived alone, and I wish we could get out of this rut, and I think the former perpetuates the latter in some senses. I think I would do more if there weren’t other people in the house. I love my roommates, but I don’t want to live with them, I want our own space, and they both are “working” on moving out… we’ll see how soon that happens.

I’m very happy with him, and I’m happy to be with him, though not as happy to be in SLC (I’m much looking forward to going to San Fran), but it’s better than being in Ashland without him.

One year later, and still going strong.