Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Author: Tai Fenix Kulystin (Page 1 of 65)

I Can’t Sleep Lately

I can’t sleep lately.

Well, I’m having trouble getting to sleep is more accurate. Once I’m also I can go 7-9 hours in a row without a problem if I have nothing else scheduled for those hours (and usually I don’t).

This has been going on for far too long. Over a year. Longer. I’m not even sure when it started, if I’m being real. I’ve structured a lot of my life around not being able to sleep during the nighttime. Onyx used to work nights as well, preferring to sleep during the day and work at night. Now everything is out of whack, still getting used to the new hours that he keeps. I keep slipping in and out of daylight hours, uncertain when I want to be awake and when I want to be asleep.

This isn’t what I really want to write about right now.

I’m paralyzed. In paralysis. Having a hard time seeing past my own insecurities and trauma. I can tell it’s out of time, but also it’s because of current experiences, so it’s confusing and disorienting. I feel at war between what I want, what I have, and what I can handle. None of these things are at the same place, and I’m confused and overwhelmed. As often. As always.

Not Yet Three Years

I don’t track it anymore, not in months, and often not even in years. It’s part of me now in a way I don’t have to think about. If I’m pressed to think about it, as I am requesting of myself now, it’s been 2 years and 8 1/2 months that I’ve been on T. Not yet three years, but that is getting closer and closer.

I’ve had many changes to my body and self in that time. The new way that clothes hang on me is just as comfortable as it was before, but now feels more aligned with right. I got so good at faking before because that was also right for me, but also wrong.

Tuesday night I took my testosterone at the turning of the new moon, as I do every month (weekly on the new, full, and half moons), and I called to Virgo and my highest self. This month, this year, this life has been so full of doing and avoiding, and in my most recent ceremony I requested clarity from source, and that clarity keeps on coming.

I have been stuck in perfectionism for so long it has often been hard to be. Challenging to exist as I am, because of that endless striving drive for the supposed perfect. It has also kept me from appreciating what actually is. Fear of failure and fear of success have run me into paralysis for too long. Indecision was never fearful.

In addition to clarity, I requested to open more to right relationship (with myself and others) and decisive action. We shall see how that goes.

Leveling Up

my vacillating heart can’t decide
if it’s joyous or despairing completely.
the not-so-secret secret is:
I’m terrified.
I’m pushing up against my own desires and fears
(often made of the same stuff),
finding the edges and exploring there.
not what I expect.
never what I expect.
everything feels stolen,
I am suddenly aflame with myself
with desire and the abundance of my fervor.
then I remember. then I worry.
am I worthy?
can I do this? I’m taking risks I’m not sure I can afford.

it’s chafing me, chasing me,
each breath is labored and I’m straining
I’m failing again,
falling again,
finding myself deep in the pit of my despair
I sink and wallow.
I give up.

keep breathing.
keep being.
one moment at a time is the only way anything happens.

let yourself feel it, I whisper to myself,
I do.

Call for Submissions: Queer Magic Anthology

I’m very excited to announce this call for submissions for a project I am working on with Lee Harrington. This call was initially posted here on mysticproductionspress.com. I am overjoyed to be co-editing this anthology with Lee and to be bringing more information on queer magic into the world!

Call For Submissions:

Queer Magic: Power Beyond Boundaries
Edited by Tai Fenix Kulystin and Lee Harrington

From Mystic Productions Press

In the world of spiritual and magical discourse, the LGBTQAI+ voice is often left out. So often, the discussion and rituals are anchored in a strict duality of a priest and priestess, and even our god(s) and goddess(es) are subject to this binary. When these are the majority of our representations the vast array of queer magical experiences are entirely overlooked. Do you have theories and perspectives on queering magic, or magic in queer life/activism? Have you had profound personal experiences that others might learn from? Has your magical working group devised rituals for people of queer experience, or to interact with queer gods and ancestors?

The world is ready to hear what you have to say.

Authors are invited to write 2-8 pages (approximately 1500-4000 words) about their own theories, rituals, or personal experiences pertaining to Queer Magic. Topics could include:

  • Gender or Sexual Identity and Magic
  • Queering Magic/Resisting Heterocisnormative Patriarchy with Magic
  • Queer Gods
  • Sex Magic
  • Honoring LGBTQ Ancestors
  • Intersectionality with Race, Ability, Socioeconomic Status, Age, Size, etc.
  • Rites of Passage and Coming Out Magic
  • Death or Funerary Rites
  • Personal or Community Healing
  • …and more

English-language contributions preferred, but multi-lingual entries accepted on a case by case basis. Fiction is not appropriate to this project.

Who Should Contribute:

All those who feel they fit into the multitude of queer identities (LGBTQAI+) and who practice magic or have experiences with magic (of any/all spiritual paths, or lack thereof), are all welcome to submit. How any of these terms are defined is entirely up to the person experiencing their own journey.

How To Contribute:

Send a one-paragraph summary of the concept of what you want to write about to QueerMagicAnthology@gmail.com before February 1st, 2017. Also include up to one paragraph about yourself as the author.

Why the summaries first? A book of only one type of entries would not show the diversity of Queer Magic theory, rituals, and experiences taking place in our community and behind closed doors. Please specify if the proposed work has been previously published digitally or in print form (this will not disqualify work, simply provide information).

Once summaries have been accepted, authors will have until May 1st, 2017 to get their rough draft in. New authors will be worked with throughout the process to help share their unique story with the world.

Are you ready to tell your tale of Queer Magic? Drop us a line.


Authors will receive $25, 1 finished copy of the book upon completion, their biographies listed in the book, have wholesale access to the project, and retain rights to their work.

Late Night Poetry [Untitled]

You fell in love with my divinity
My priest/ess
My most-best self.
I fell in love with your brokenness
Your dark and trembling
Your wounded vulnerability

I wanted to know how I could be so vulnerable
You wanted to know how you could be so divine
What we didn’t see was they are one and the same.

We work as mirrors for each other
Not just reflections of light, but reflections of soul
My wound, your wound, our wound.
Our task is to remain separate even as we merge
Together, but independent
Taken care of and taking care of
Two and the same.

I Am Here

Onyx and I are currently in Stavanger, Norway visiting his family. We have already been to London, and are heading on to Oslo, Prague, Amsterdam, and Bridport, England.

The following is inspired by Stavanger, mostly. Though all of our trip so far, really. I forget how unusual I am until I leave Seattle, safe in the bubble I have built for myself. Norway is just as uncomfortable with difference as many places in the US, and moreso than many.

There’s a particular kind of conformity that is demanded in a lot of these liberal European countries. I felt it in Amsterdam the last time I was there as well. Once a particular way of being different is accepted it is assumed we will be normal from then on.

I mostly just feel too damn queer for them.


I see your side eye
your stares
your whispers to each other that you may think are subtle
when you think I’m not looking
but I can feel where your eyes are lingering
looking a little longer in my direction than normally considered polite
your face unable to mask your emotion
I wonder which part of me is
interesting/confusing/disgusting/disturbing you the most
is it my size?
this girth of me that is lavish and unapologetic
taking up more space than most people think I have a right to
than I have been taught I have a right to
it has been easy to hate myself for this physical expansiveness I have inherited,
yet I am here.
is it my clothes or my hair?
either darker or more colorful than you would like, or at least than you are used to
a morbidly outlandish witchy blend of cloth atop this large body
strange even when I’m dressed my most conservative
and a shocking swath of teal, blue, and purple coming from the top of my head
a blend of long and soft with short and spikey
much like me
and I am here.
or is it the hair on my chin?
this combined with the protruding breasts and curvy frame may have confused you
am I a feminine man or a masculine woman or some other creature, you may wonder
or you may not even get that far.
that confusion and uncertainty is probably the closest thing to seeing my gender without a conversation or known context
so in some ways you are seeing me
and that is both lovely and uncomfortable.
Now I know I am here.
I’m used to being visible in the other ways
my size and clothing have always been a reminder of the body or desires you want to ignore
of the work you do to fit in rather than stand out
giving up the pieces of difference in your own self instead of reveling in them
even though you may assume it is for attention, it is actually for my comfort
I would be happiest if you didn’t see me at all
until you could actually see me and not your projections onto me.
this gender, though, is growing more visible as my body changes
and I’m as uncomfortable with it as you are
for now.
I’ll get used to it, though. Will you?
I am here.

Mindful Erotic Embodiment: This Sunday in Seattle!

MEE PosterI’ll be co-facilitating a Mindful Erotic Embodiment workshop this Sunday at the CSPC (the Center for Sex-Positive Culture in Seattle)!

It is be the first in a series of six we have scheduled monthly from now until September. I’ll be facilitating two of them, but hope to make it to five of the six (I’ll be out of the country for one of them, otherwise it would be all). The first one kicks off during National Masturbation Month! What timing!

This is amazing way to help get in touch with your body and your erotic self and to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your sexuality.

Mindful Erotic Embodiment (MEE) is a practice of conscious engagement with your own body’s desires in the moment to give yourself the gift of your own awareness, presence, and attention and engage with pleasure.

It is a simple, yet profound embodiment praxis that recognizes the vastness of erotic experience that includes (and goes beyond) sex and sexuality. This will be within a communal environment, but is self-focused rather than interactive, introspective rather than performative. It is a time to really BE (with) yourself.

Click here for more information and to buy tickets in advance ($5 off the door price)!


I sunk into myself recently. Stopped remembering how to be anything but internal, to exist in any way but as a hermit.

I wrapped that supposed cocoon around me, but I did not become a butterfly. I just became caterpillar soup. I became mush. Mess. Liquid me, sinking deeper into my bed and disappearing inside of myself.

I sank and I dissolved and I didn’t know what else to do but lie in bed and stare at screens. All of my knowledge and all of the changes and all of the help I can give to others could not keep me from floating away from myself.

My whole world came crashing down on me.

I Want to Be the Lover

As I lie in bed getting ready to sleep tonight, I think of you. Yet again. This is especially the time my thoughts turn to you, when I’m too tired to resist them wandering in your direction, when I’m too tired to stop them after redirecting them for most of the day.

Tonight, though. Tonight my thoughts about you are curious, interested, and sad. They are always sad these days, full of grief over the relationship that never really was. The relationship that had so much potential and so little actual. And yet also contained so much.

I’ve been sad a lot these last few weeks. Going through a grieving process, certainly, and no longer able to hide in the distraction from the rest of my life that you afforded me for a while. Plunged back into the cold waters of uncertainty and fear for a while, and I’m just starting to get out of them now. Hopefully.

Tonight my thoughts turned to the way you often confused me with someone else, mistaking my motives or intentions with your abuser. I’ve experienced that from others in my life as well. I am, at this point, very used to the weight of other people’s projections onto me. Often I run from them, as unfortunately I do not yet have the skill to counter them. Yet. And my chameleon tendencies makes this process extra complicated.

I realized, though, more than I have before, why I keep choosing people in recovery. I realized I was choosing this a while ago, and was worried that means I am abusive or power-seeking. I believe is the opposite. People in recovery allow me to be small, and keep me invisible, keep me unseen. It’s easier to be unnoticed when the other person is taking up all the room. And recovery takes up a lot of room by necessity.

It takes a lot to heal from the deep wounds I witness and am drawn to. Part of my work is to help these wounds heal. Part of my work is to recognize and heal these wounds I have in myself. It is easier for me to be the healer than the human, the priestess than the lover. It is easier for me to be in a role than myself, easier to be helping than vulnerable. And I want to be vulnerable. I want to be human. I want to be a lover.

I was really trying with you. I tried so hard to be vulnerable, to be human, to be me. I still went into that priestess role sometimes. I still tried to help heal you. Those other roles will never not be there, of course, but I really am trying to be me now. Trying to be all of me, or as much as I can handle in any given moment. As much as me will show up through the fear and the uncertainty. Slowly, more and more of me is coming out.

Deep Into Me

I want you to find the constellations in my freckles
This map that the sun has called forth from my body
Each a little mystery, a portal into me
Opening myself to you.

I want to know you fully and intimately
Every soft, hard, smooth, scarred, or hairy inch of you
Explored by my eyes, my fingers, my mouth
Finding all of your depth.

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