lotusWelcome! I’m Tai Quyn Kulystin, the creatrix of Purveyor of Pleasure. I am a educator, artist, occultist, harlot, and gentlefemme about town. This blog is my personal exploration of gender, sexuality, spirituality, kink, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

I currently identify as a queer fat genderqueer polyamorous switch and prefer the pronouns ne/nem/nir or they/them. I spend a lot of my time thinking about sacred sexuality, sacred kink, relationships, queer theory, depth psychology, sexological bodywork, and so much more. I'm in a long-term live-in relationship with my partner Onyx, and I also have a few other relationships and lovers.
Read more about this site & me→



03.03

2009

Interaction


From someecards.

I tend to live in my head more than anywhere else, which can make it difficult to meet new people. I obsess over making good impressions so I often don’t say much when meeting someone for the first time and end up coming off either as shy or disinterested (and I think the latter more than the former). I generally prefer to observe others before engaging in conversation with them, as well, which doesn’t help.

The point being, I’m kind of terrible at meeting new people, and I’m kind of terrible at communication in general, I think. Writing is the way I communicate best, and I believe in communication with friends and lovers. I believe that it’s important, but sometimes it’s so damn difficult for me to get anything out.

This post was originally going to be about flirting, or my inability to flirt, but instead it’s evolved into interaction and communication in general, though also about flirting.

I think both my lack of flirting and communication abilities both stem from the same place: I’m afraid of my words being taken the wrong way, and sometimes I’m afraid of my words being taken the right way and my advances or assertions being unwanted or incorrect.

Everyone has these fears to an extent, but some have them more than others. I always admire the people who can speak their mind and who seem to have little disregard for what others think of them. I’m not that person, although I often wish I was. I care too much about what people think of me, and it pains me when someone dislikes me for whatever reason.

I came out as queer at a young age. I was the founder and president of my high school’s GSA and very out. I watched straight or even bi female friends of mine flirt with other girls, snuggle with them, kiss them, all the while wishing I could experience that but holding myself at arms length in fear of what they would think of me. I desired closeness in a friendly way, without any sexual overtones, just snuggling and exploration, but I was afraid if I attempted to join in they would think I was hitting on them.

It made me guarded, careful of what I said, worried at every turn that someone would take something I said the wrong way. I collapsed into myself and didn’t share that connection with anyone around me. I didn’t know many queer girls, and the ones I did had boyfriends or just generally weren’t interested, so that wasn’t something I could explore with them either.

The point of all this is I don’t think I know how to interact with others in a good way, and more and more I choose not to interact and to crawl deeper and deeper into my own fears and frustrations. The problem really is that I don’t know how to get out of it, and further that I’m afraid to try to get out of it because that could mean ruin.

Often, too, if I get close to someone I sabotage it by overanalyzing and becoming anxious about the interactions. I cherish some of the friendships I’ve made online, but they all seem temporary, and I know that’s mostly my fault.

I love Onyx but we are not enough for each other, we both need other friends and lovers to be in our lives. We’ve gone out and met people here, but nowhere near as much as we should have by now. Every time we go somewhere it’s a struggle because I push against it, even though I know that once we go out I will enjoy myself. I can’t seem to help my automatic aversion to the outside world.

It’s ironic, maybe, that the things I want the most–simple interaction, closeness, friends–are maybe the most difficult things for me to allow myself to get.

12.05

2008

NoFauxxx's Queer Photo Contest

The incredibly sexy and absolutely awesome NoFauxxx.Com is having a Holiday Photo Contest! You can win some delicious queer porn, and who doesn’t want that? Anything from NoFauxxx is hot, sexy, and delicious. I have a review coming soon of them as well!

Win a Free Year-Long Membership to NoFauxxx.Com for you and a friend!

Holiday Photo Contest Info from Trouble:

We want to give you, and one of your friends, one of the best holiday gifts you can get – free queer porn! All you have to do is send us a photograph that shows your definition of “QUEER.” We will judge the photo on artistic quality and content readability – and we will post all of the entries in a special gallery on NoFauxxx.Com!
Here are the rules.

1. YOU MUST BE 18 OR OLDER TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS CONTEST. Please include a photo of you holding up your ID (with date of birth clearly readable) along with your photo submission.

2. Photo can be of anything, but it has to include YOU and a symbol of your definition of “queer.” You do *not* have to be naked, however you are also free to be as naked as you like, and doing anything you like in the photo just as long as it is legal!

3. Please use your own ideas, we’re looking for something unique and one of a kind! We are looking for photos that have emotional content – we want to look at the photo and say, “Oh! This is what ‘queer’ means to this person!”

4. Please fill out the additional questions on the form, such as how you took the photo, what gave you the idea, and what your definition of “queer” is.

Models, members, and fans are all eligible to win. Photos must be self-shot or self-directed, and taken specifically for this contest. Photos from a professional photo set probably wont win this one!

If you are ready to enter this contest, please fill out the submission form now!

Submission Form
Contest Home Page

Good Luck!

xo Trouble

12.04

2008

Examination of Two Queered Genders

Here’s a snippit of my latest post on The Femme’s Guide, though you’ll have to go there to finish it.

Much by accident I just came across this quote:

Marilyn was revered as a tigress, but she was loved (and pitied) as a kitten. In that sense her sexuality did not present a challenge; vulnerability made her manageable–it guaranteed her femininity.

The threat of other lustful man-killers is diminished by intimations of their androgyny. Mae West looked all girl but her style was decidedly butch. “It’s [men's] game,” she says with trademark smarminess of her multiple, casual seductions in She Done Him Wrong. “I happen to be smart enough to play it their way.” Marlene Dietrich in tux and top hat is also both hyperfeminine and faux homme, a man in drag in drag. -My Enemy, My Love By Judith Levine p. 92

It goes on to talk about the book’s real point in bringing this up: the antipode to the Seducer or femme fatale, The Slave. But, that’s not really what intrigued me about it. I especially love this line: Mae West looked all girl but her style was decidedly butch. It is an angle I hadn’t really contemplated before, but basically Mae West as femme. It’s pretty damn obvious now that I’m thinking about it, but it just wasn’t a connection I’d made before. Though she wasn’t queer in the sense of sleeping with women, but she did have an affinity toward gay men and wrote The Drag.

The two ways used to describe Mae West and Marlene Dietrich are both incredibly queer, while Marilyn Monroe is more of an archetype for traditional femininity. Mae West was femme in look, butch in action, or simply a description of a type of queer femininity, or simply femmeininity. Marlene Dietrich was a man in drag in drag, a queer masculinity on a female body so that it is not the same as masculine because it is also overtly feminine.

Read the rest! It’s fabulous, so go.

12.02

2008

Assumptions

I wrote the following in response to Sinclair’s post defining identity alignment assumptions, basically “the assumption that one’s identity categories align with what is either a stereotype or a dominant compulsory cultural norm.” I ended up writing more than I thought I would, and I have more to add so I thought I’d just convert it into a post on here.

There are many identity alignment assumptions that I struggle with, including the assumption that I’m straight because I’m with a cis-man, the assumption that I’m straight because my primary gender identity is femme, the assumption that my gender expression is traditionally feminine instead of femme, and the assumption that I’m unhealthy or somehow immoral because I’m fat. I’m sure there are more, of course, if I started really thinking about them, but these are the biggest that have been impacting my life lately, especially the first.

I’ve always embraced my difference, and not being visibly different (even moreso recently since I dyed my hair a normal color) is difficult for me in general. I find myself having a difficult time embracing the queer community in general because even though I’ve never been straight and never will be straight I am perceived as straight by many, including many within the queer community. Most people want others to be monosexual, it seems, it’s easier to quantify people that way.

I know that I have some assumptions I make as well, though I’ve noticed that my assumptions are different depending on my location. In Utah I tend to assume most people are mormons and straight, but elsewhere I don’t actually think about what religion or spiritual affiliation people might have, and I tend to assume more people I come across are queer. I do often link gender and sexuality assumptions together, such as assuming masculine females and feminine males are queer, but I also tend to assume general queerness rather than gay/straight binary assumptions.

Occasionally I will try to spend a day purposefully assuming the world is the inverse of what society tells us, that queers are the majority (or total) population, that assumed gender expression doesn’t actually denote the sex of the person, that everyone is polyamorous, and that people won’t automatically judge me by my size. It’s a refreshing and sometimes humbling exercise, though it’s often shattered quite quickly.

[End of the comment: start of the extra]

I actively work on my own assumptions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still have them, though it’s hard for me to pinpoint them. I try to not make the same assumptions about others that I feel others make about me, but I know I do it, like assuming straightness instead of queerness.

These assumptions extend beyond people as well, to places. I find myself making assumptions about Seattle and others make assumptions about Salt Lake City due to the identity associations there. I’ve had people mention being surprised that there is a kink community here, a queer community, pagan and occult communities. People assume that SLC is just a mormon hub that doesn’t have any kind of diversity within it, though they’ve obviously not seen SLC Punk. People are surprised when they find out I live in Salt Lake City, though I don’t wholly blame them because I’m surprised that I live here.

I’m finding myself making the opposite assumptions about Seattle. I know a fair amount about the city itself, and have been reading up on it even more since we decided to move there. I’m excited about the communities there. I assume that it is going to be easier for me to find people I click with there. I assume that because it is more liberal that I won’t feel as shut-in as I do here. I don’t know if these assumptions are in any way correct, however, because I’m not counting on that other factor: me.

11.21

2008

Review: Good Dyke Porn


From Video “Twelve – Pussy Home Invasion – Part 2″ on Good Dyke Porn

Each time I start writing this review of Good Dyke Porn I have to stop and start over, because I keep on not being able to convey just how much I’ve enjoyed this site, and how wonderful I believe this site and these videos are. Not only does every video look like real dykes having real dyke sex (interpret that as you wish) and actually genuinely enjoying themselves, they are doing it in a way that is incredibly enjoyable to watch as well.

The only negative I can say about the site at all is that I found myself getting so turned on by it that I got turned around on it, unsure of how to get back to a page I was on before without the back button or scrolling through multiple pages. Part of that was me forgetting how I got to a page after watching a video, cumming, and being generally brain-addled from that.

Even with the slightly confusing navigation videos aren’t at all difficult to find, just getting back to a specific video or page was difficult for me, and I enjoy the general layout and the way each video is laid out, with the ability to watch or save each clip from each scenario. Another nice thing about the way it’s set up is that you can choose get a general membership to the site or just buy individual clips that pique your interest, which is extremely handy because not everyone is into all the same things, so you can just pick and choose what you want to watch and what you don’t. Of course, the more clips you buy the more you would save by just buying a membership.

I’ve watched a number of different clips and different scenarios, from a familiar pizza boy scenario to a femme circle jerk to a femmed up male-bodied dyke and his lover engaging in play, and many more! Each one was strikingly different but they all were exactly what the title indicates: good (or great) dyke porn. I loved the feeling that I got from watching these, not just the turned on feeling but like I was peeking in on what these dykes normally did with each other, not that I was watching some elaborately staged visual adult entertainment that was trying to be anything other than real dykes getting it on.

I especially loved that everyone looked like they were real people, with all different breast sizes, body types, and skin tones. Like I said, every scenario is different, with a variety of tones, toys, and activities. Some have strap-ons and other toys introduced into the mix, some are just dyke-on-dyke fingers and mouth on cunt action, some have restraints and BDSM or D/s overtones, some have all three. They are all in various locations both outdoors (hot!) and indoors and each one of them is extremely fun to watch.

Some of the videos even have extra ‘behind the scenes’ clips as a seperate clip after the hot action, where you get to talk with those involved in the scene and learn a little more about them. I loved this, almost more than the actual videos (though not quite–I did say almost!) because it just emphasizes that these are real people that you’re watching having sex and having fun. Hearing the participants explain what made them want to do porn and how they were feeling post-scene was a wonderful experience that I really appreciated being able to see.

I also love that there is a male-bodied individual in one of the scenarios. I noticed a post on the forum about this as well (another great feature to have on a sex-positive very women-friendly porn site, the ability to converse with other members about the porn and just about anything). The forum post had the title “Do men belong in dyke porn?” It wasn’t someone complaining, just wanting to know what the others there thought. There were quite a few responses, including this one from Bren Ryder the creator of GDP:

“Women like different things and some may argue that there shouldn’t be a dildo or there shouldn’t be cake or there shouldn’t be young beautiful femme women with perfect bodies or there shouldn’t be a scene where a bio-guy is dressed up like a woman and then gets fucked in the ass.
I say there absolutely should be all of those things and MORE. Anything that serves our queer fantasies. ”

The majority of others on the forum agreed with her and I couldn’t agree with her more. I was extremely surprised and excited to see a femmed-up male-bodied person in dyke porn! If you’ve been reading me for a while you know that I’ve been talking a lot recently about the queer ways in which males and females can interact sexually, so I love having a video on a dyke site to point to exactly that!

I think Good Dyke Porn is an amazing site full of wonderful videos enjoyable to everyone even remotely queer (and in my world that’s just about everyone). If you haven’t, I highly recommend you go check out the site, look at the samples, sign up for the forums, and maybe even buy some clips. You know you want to.

11.14

2008

Queercents Economic Stimulus Plan: Buy Sex Toys

Queercents is a wonderful queer finances resource, and if you’re not reading them you really should, they even have a Femme Economics section which I highly recommend!

Although I don’t always take their advice on everything because I have horrible financial sense (cents?), I found the recently posted economic stimulus plan was too good to pass up. Their advice? Buy sex toys!

The economy sucks, the days are getting darker; but don’t get depressed, get randy! Here are four great reasons to “stimulate” the economy (and other things!)

1. It’s a relatively cheap way to spoil yourself and while improving your health. If you have more sex/get off more, you will fill the psychological contentment void which otherwise causes you to over-eat ($$) and spend more of your precious cash on bigger frivolous items.

2. If you stay home and have sex by yourself or with a sweetie, you are less likely to blow $100 or more per night on dinner and wine, night clubs, drinks, (prostitutes?). A really nice vibrator or dildo at $80 can provide hours and hours…and hours of enjoyment… Go read the rest!

In case you didn’t realize it, I’m a big fan of sex toys (okay, so that’s not much of a secret). Lately I’ve been thinking that what I really want to do is open a feminist women-friendly queer-friendly sex toy shop like Babeland or Good Vibrations, or just work in one, though competition for that is fierce. Possibly start off as an online store, and then once I settle into a city that’s not Salt Lake City (Portland perhaps?) have it evolve into a brick-and-mortar store. Now I just need a good name.

In the meantime, before my store is up and running, who you should buy from is VibeReview, as the affiliate proceeds from any toys you buy through my affiliate link will be donated x2 to The Butterfly Temptress Cancer Fund! If you need some inspiration for things to buy you can check out my reviews or Pleasurists, my weekly review round-up site.

Also! If you’re wanting a sex toy case for all the sex toys you already have For Your Nymphomation is offering 20% off with the coupon clearancesale20. So there’s no reason not to buy something!

Kinky vs. Queer vs. Straight Sex

Something I’ve been thinking of a lot lately has been the differences between “types” of sex and sexual intimacy and encounters. It’s something that both The Leather Daddy and the Femme and PoMoSexuals made me think about a lot, because they both talked about male-female sexual interaction in a non-straight or non-hetero way. They recognized that males and females can interact sexually with each other in a queer way.

One of the main purposes of queer theory is actually to highlight and embrace the fact that no sex is normal/vanilla/straight, or, really, the opposite is emphasized: that all sex is queer. Very little aside from heterosexual missionary for-procreation-only sex is considered acceptable by our fucked up society, while the majority of people have sex that could not be categorized within that extremely narrow social definition.

Granted, ideas of acceptable sexuality have been evolving lately, but I wouldn’t say other types of sex have become any more acceptable, they’re just recognized as “what everyone does” which isn’t exactly an endorsement, though I’ll admit that my vision on this may be skewed by the last two years living in Utah. However, I really don’t think it’s just Utah talking.

So what’s the big difference between queer sex and straight sex? Aside from the usual definition of the sex of the partners (but that also brings into question is it the sex or the gender that matters?) it’s subtle, and may have a lot to do with intention. Can queer hetero sex include missionary sex? I say of course! The wonderful thing about the orbit(/label) queer is that it is very open to interpretation.

Most often the participants of queer sex are queer people, but that brings into the question of what makes someone a queer person. I’d argue that anyone outside of the norm of society is queer in some way, although not everyone would see it that same way. Queer is an important label for same-sex/gender-loving people to embrace, definitely, but I also think queer moves beyond that label as well.

If we define queer as what it’s not, meaning not normal, just about everyone would be able to be labeled queer. I’m not sure if I’ve ever met a normal person in my life, society perpetuates this idea of normalcy, but that doesn’t mean it exists anywhere, and usually those who think they are normal would not be considered normal by others, so where does that leave us?

Personally I dislike the term ‘normal’ for a variety of reasons, including the fact I have a degree in Psychology, but also because I have never believed that normal exists. People are just too damn individualistic for anyone to fit into a stereotypically cookie cutter image of what we are told we should be. Granted, this is a very western concept.

Back to queer sex vs. straight sex: personally I believe there is a different feeling to queer sex than there is to straight sex (though I try not to have straight sex at all, but every once in a while my sex slips into the realm of less-queer). Queer sex just feels a little, well, queer. It feels subversive and non-normal, even if it is normal to us and our bodies and desires. That’s not to say that there is anything wrong with non-normal, quite the contrary, I think it’s necessary.

Queer sex, to me, can happen between people of any sex or gender. The times I feel my sex is slipping into less-queer territory are those instances when Onyx and I have had quickie sex in nearly missionary position (I say nearly because my legs are up and not flat) with little foreplay and sometimes little attention paid to me. This has only happened infrequently, and usually when we’re both tired but wanting sex. I consider it far from the queerer sex we have which includes toys, various positions, or me fucking him rather than him fucking me.

That’s not to say that just anyone who doesn’t have missionary sex is having queer sex, although that is one possible definition. As I mentioned above I believe there has to be some sort of queer intent, though that is a very broad topic and definition. Also, I think queer sex must also occur between queer people, though that definition is also very broad and open to interpretation.

Now to throw kinky sex into the mix. Kinky sex can be defined in a similar way to queer sex in that it can be defined by what it isn’t, and what it isn’t is vanilla, or normal, but see my dialogue about normalcy? Is there really any such thing? What do we consider to be not kinky?

Perhaps I should define kinky in a way other than exclusion, though I’m not sure how to do that because it is also subtle and it depends entirely on perspective and personal definition. I posit that just as most people could be deemed queer due to having anything other than narrowly-defined non-queer sex that most people could be deemed kinky for having anything other than narrowly-defined non-kinky sex.

That, or we just need to get rid of these labels all together, but that brings me to another theory on labels: that we must define them then broaden them in order to be able to abolish them, so perhaps that’s what I’m working on doing right now!

And what about the quote in the image above? Is anything you do really only kinky the first time, because after you do it that desensitizes you to it, making you think less of the kink factor of it and more of the enjoyment of it? That makes sense in some ways, and it’s been my experience that people tend to measure others against their own experiences rather than the so-called “normal” experience expectation.

However, what constitutes kinky sex? For some it would be using toys and props such as dildos, vibrators, restraints, or blindfolds; for others it would be engaging in “extreme” activities such as S&m, D/s, watersports, or enemas; for others threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes are kinky. Just like queer sex, there is a wide range of what could be considered kinky sex, and it all depends on the person putting that label on it. I do believe that kinky sex has an intention behind it, just like queer sex does, but it is also just as difficult to pin down.

What I’m trying to say is that there are definitely differences between these three “types” of sexual interaction, and none of them are better or worse than others as long as you are interacting the way you enjoy and desire to interact. I’m not saying that straight sex is bad, though I do wonder how many people actually have it. I am saying that more people have queer sex than most people may think, but I’m also saying that labels and definitions such as queer and kinky are difficult to pin-down, and perhaps shouldn’t be pinned down.

11.11

2008

Keith Olbermann on Prop 8

Though I did write about the election, I have been meaning to talk about Proposition 8 in California. I attended the rally to protest the LDS church’s involvement in Prop 8 here in Salt Lake City last Friday, we met up by the LDS Temple and marched around it. I do believe that this has been a great catalyst for the queer rights movement lately, and I also think that marriage is just one small aspect of what we need to be focusing on, but having one goal to rally around does help organize a movement.

I saw this last night, as I have become an avid watcher of Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow (conveniently on right after another) in the last few months, originally because of the election but now I seem to have become a bit of a liberal political media junkie (not hugely, but a little). This has been popping up all over today, and it’s something that touched me strongly enough that I would like to share with you. He makes some of the best, strongest, and most organized points against Prop 8 that I’ve seen on TV, because it is a personal rights issue and a love issue not a religious issue.

Transcript of his thoughts below found here.

Finally tonight as promised, a Special Comment on the passage, last week, of Proposition Eight in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry, and tilted the balance on this issue, from coast to coast.

Some parameters, as preface. This isn’t about yelling, and this isn’t about politics, and this isn’t really just about Prop-8. And I don’t have a personal investment in this: I’m not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives.

And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn’t about yelling, and this isn’t about politics. This is about the human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.

If you voted for this Proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions, because, truly, I do not understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don’t want to deny you yours. They don’t want to take anything away from you. They want what you want—a chance to be a little less alone in the world.

Only now you are saying to them—no. You can’t have it on these terms. Maybe something similar. If they behave. If they don’t cause too much trouble. You’ll even give them all the same legal rights—even as you’re taking away the legal right, which they already had. A world around them, still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, no, you can’t marry. What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn’t marry?

I keep hearing this term “re-defining” marriage. If this country hadn’t re-defined marriage, black people still couldn’t marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967.

The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn’t have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it’s worse than that. If this country had not “re-defined” marriage, some black people still couldn’t marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not “Until Death, Do You Part,” but “Until Death or Distance, Do You Part.” Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.

You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.

And uncountable in our history are the number of men and women, forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or just marriages of not knowing, centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn’t marry another man, or a woman couldn’t marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage.

How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the “sanctity” of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?

What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don’t you, as human beings, have to embrace… that love? The world is barren enough.

It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.

And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling. With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate… this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness—this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness—share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader or book of choice telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement, another one which reads only “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate.

You don’t have to help it, you don’t have it applaud it, you don’t have to fight for it. Just don’t put it out. Just don’t extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don’t know and you don’t understand and maybe you don’t even want to know. It is, in fact, the ember of your love, for your fellow person just because this is the only world we have. And the other guy counts, too.

This is the second time in ten days I find myself concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial.

But what he said, fits what is really at the heart of this:

“I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar-Khayyam,” he told the judge. It appealed to me as the highest that I can vision. I wish it was in my heart, and I wish it was in the hearts of all: So I be written in the Book of Love; I do not care about that Book above. Erase my name, or write it as you will, So I be written in the Book of Love.

11.03

2008

NaNoWriMo Glimpse – Anticipation

I decided to participate in this year’s NaNoWriMo that is, National Novel Writing Month, which is November 1st-30th. I didn’t start right on the 1st, but this is part of what I had so far, not necessarily at the beginning, but it could be, we’ll see. I thought you all might like to read it, and I’d love any comments/critiques/criticism that you have, including telling me that it’s simply way too cliche (though it’s supposed to be a little cliche).

I need to read up on my noir fiction style, but I can always revise to add more noir-sounding phrases, but that’s the style I want to work within, partly Onyx’s idea, he’s been super into noir lately. Though, who knows, that aspect of it may end up being scrapped due to lack of ability. In any case, enjoy!

She walked into the room like she owned it, her deep red dress hugging her curves in all the right places, emphasizing her hips as she swayed toward me. She was the kind of dame you wouldn’t mind staying through the night, but she never would. I touched the cool glass of my drink to my lips, the ice clinking softly as the clear alcohol passed through my lips like water. She grinned once she saw me, sly as a cat having already caught the bird, and simply held out her hand for me to take.

She was the one who invited me here, to be part of a crowd and an atmosphere I didn’t usually partake in. I liked to stick to the shadows, preferring a fast tumble to a slow chase, but this girl was different. She had blown into my life like a brushfire, and seemed to like the chase. If she wanted a chase I’d be happy to oblige.

I tried to be cool as she led me to the dance floor, my half drunk glass abandoned on the counter I had been leaning on. Her arms were encased in black gloves up past her elbows, they looked elegant but were rubbery to the touch. A shiver ran up my spine as I touched the material. My arm slid around her waist as her head moved to rest on my shoulder, crimson lips grazing my cheek as her body molded against mine. Her hair fell down past her shoulder blades, and my hand ached to delve into the dark smooth mass of it, but I resisted for now. Each movement of her hips against me made me bite back moans that threatened to tumble from my lips, I couldn’t help but want her.

I could tell a lot of others in the room were watching us, and why wouldn’t they? Many who knew me were more surprised to see me in this setting and less so with the beautiful woman pressed against me. Those who knew her well, watched with a mixture of jealousy and smirking knowledge at what might later come to pass.

We did make a striking couple. Her in her red dress and gloves, elegant with a touch of fetish, her black heels tall, making her taller than me by a few inches. Me in a perfectly fitted three-piece suit I’d bought for this occasion: black with red pinstripes, black shirt, red tie, and a black fedora with a red band. I even had on red socks, though they were nearly impossible to see covered by my slacks and dress shoes. I knew she had a thing for suits, and for red, that much had been covered already. Though it had only been a few days since we met I could tell by the fire in her eyes that red was a color that suited her well.

Her arms were folded around my shoulders, my hands clutching her waist, knowing that if I slid them down just a few inches I would be able to feel the slope of her ass. I tried to keep my breathing steady, even as her arms wound tighter around me, her breasts crushing against my chest, inhaling the scent of her as she curled her fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck. I exhaled a heavy breath.

“Something wrong, darling?” She mused, her soft whisper against my ear sent another shiver. I growled low and she just chuckled as we danced to the soft jazz playing not far from us. She straightened in my grasp and shot me a knowing glance before taking my hand in hers and leading me out of the room.

We arrived in the bathroom before I realized where we were headed, she pushed me into the largest stall and pressed her hand against the bulge in my pants. I groaned. This was not the way I had imagined the evening would go. I was going to be smooth and charming, win her over through the night, invite her back to my place for a drink, and then make my move, instead she decided to lead me to the bathroom and unzip my pants.

I glanced down just quick enough to watch her red lips as they engulfed the length of my cock, making me throb with desire, the familiar clink of my belt buckle made me moan aloud, watching her as she watched me writhing in anticipation. I licked my lips and thrust my hips toward her, my pinstripe slacks falling around my red socks as she moved her hand under my cock to slowly insert a finger into my hot cunt, now I knew what the gloves were for, though I’d suspected all along.

Queering Onyx

Another issue with our relationship that I was having recently is that it was getting more and more… straight, for lack of a better term. I know that there are ways for males and females to interact sexually and romantically that are outside of the heterosexual relationship model and sexuality. I have come to realize something I’ve always known but never quite had the ability to put into words before: regardless of the relationship I want a queer connection. It’s something that has come clear to me through reading The Leather Daddy and the Femme and also PoMoSexuals, which both talk extensively about queer relationships between male and female partners. While neither of us are straight I’m more in touch with my queerness than he is.

One of my goals lately has been to open him up to that queer side more and more, to help him embrace it, which we’ve talked about quite a lot and he is open to. He’s identified as heteroflexible or somewhat-bi or things like that for most of the time I’ve known him, and I’ve also known him to suck cock (not just mine, flesh-made ones as well) and have affection and desire for men.

I’ve always maintained that he is far more queer than he will often admit to, partly because I’m not attracted to men who aren’t queer, there has always had to be something queer about them in order for me to get interested and while that doesn’t always mean queer attraction, I know that he is attracted to men, and has more than just a casual desire. He has come to agree with me a bit more, and we have talked about potential additions to our poly family which have included (queer) males.

Recently we read The Leather Daddy and the Femme together, taking turns reading it to each other chapter by chapter. I think that helped him recognize and embrace more of his queer desires, which was part of my reason for wanting to read it together. Not to mention it’s hot and I knew he would love it. I know he has issues with the idea of queerness, we all have internalized homophobia and he is no exception.

It’s difficult to embrace something, too, that will disprivilege you, especially when you have the ability to not embrace it. What I mean by that is: it’s easy not to embrace queerness when you have what society would consider “normal” heterosexual desires, because the queerness can be abandoned if you choose to let it be, not that it’s easy to do that for all of us, but it may be easier to ignore the queerness than it is to embrace that which would disprivilege.

I’ve been trying to open him up further to his queer side by opening him up to mine and sharing my own desires. Also I’ve been trying to bring his awareness back to his desire to get fucked in the ass and suck cock and such, something I’m more confident doing now that we’ve started switching (something I’ll be telling you more about soon). As I mentioned above, we’ve talked about adding a third or others to our relationship, he suggested a transgirl or feminine male we could play with.

I feel like Georgia Strong helping Demetrius discover his gay/bisexual/queer desires, reminding him that there are multiple ways to have queer sex and that heterosexuals can have queer sex too. Teaching all the things he’s always wanted but wasn’t sure how to get. I’m sure I’ll update more on this issue as it comes.