Purveyor of Pleasure

Delving into my humanity and the joys and pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.

Tag: power exchange (Page 2 of 3)

Want Perpetuates Want

ABY101209e by jvrsta

There are times when I can’t escape from want. Want perpetuates want until all I can think of is taking or being taken. Lately it’s been the latter. The most mundane movements crackle with the electricity of my desire for it. With each moment want increases exponentially until it consumes my entire being and I feel my body begin to sing with it, unsure if anyone else can sense the desires within me threatening to explode.

Every movement of my lips makes me think of cool steel being placed between them, forcing them open a little to wide, almost painfully, after not too long my jaw beginning to ache. My mouth open and available for use or just for amusement as I am unable to contain the spit dribbling out onto my breasts. Or I think of a hand covering my mouth, pinching my nose shut, controlling my breath and stealing my air, not letting me breathe for just a little longer than I think I can handle before releasing and letting me gulp for it, even my most essential of functions controlled.

My fingers lift up to absently run through my hair and suddenly I can think of nothing else but a hand gripping and pulling on the short purple mess, making my scalp burn. My head tingles with want and later, when I am alone, I will allow my digits to curl around those locks and tug, although the feeling is nothing like when the fingers aren’t mine.

Using my hands to gesticulate or type or simply any movement in which I become aware of them makes my wrists ache for want of the bite of rope or cuffs lining them. The bracelets I always wear feel heavy with my own perception as the pressure they place increases the want, and awareness of my wrists makes my attention also focus on my ankles. I want to be bound, helpless, enveloped by the power of my partner and trapped in that moment where all I can fixate on is the sensation. Maybe blindfolded, maybe not, but unable to see what is coming next and my entire body alive with anticipation.

Every time I shift my attention is brought first to my ass and then to my cunt, the attention itself enough to make my lips tingle and grow with want. I know that were I to sneak a finger into my core I would feel the hot wetness that is even now creeping out onto my underwear. I would feel my vulva puffy with want of use, my holes craving to be taken.

My ass, on the other hand, tingles with a different kind of want, aching for the smart sting of a cane, hoping to be bruised this time as bruising does not come easily. I want a hand, a flogger, a cane, anything that will make me quiver with desire and make my cunt that much more overtaken with want. I would close my eyes and imagine the pattern the glowing lines are making, imagine the perfectly lined angry and raised red marks against my pale skin.

I want the continual moments of perpetuation of desire to last forever, hanging in a state of anticipation that my mind or my partner has created. I want everything in those moments, my entire being overtaken with want and desire to be taken to a different state of mind. Power is a drug and I am an addict, but I will happily drown in my addiction so I may feel the want again and again. With a good partner our addiction feeds each other, my discomfort is our pleasure, my pain our high, the power exchange our masterpiece.

Doublethink Over Dissonance

Onyx and I have settled in to a remarkably comfortable D/s dynamic. We have talked extensively about it, but the difference this time is that it just clicks, for lack of a better term. All the background issues that were making so much noise the last time we were trying these power roles have been resolved, thanks in large part to the many things we learned through the trial of the triad. I find myself enjoying to do things for him, and he is now more able to push and guide me than he was before. It is, in a word, wonderful.

I have noticed that I am hesitant to share this power dynamic with others, even on here to an extent. I believe this is in part due to it still, in some ways, being so new and foreign but mostly it is because it is still private and vulnerable. Despite the abundance with which I share my private feelings and thoughts on this blog (less so now than I have before, but I’m working on writing more when I don’t have writer’s block) I have an extremely difficult time sharing personal things with others, especially in person and especially those I don’t know very well. Hell, I even have trouble expressing things to Onyx sometimes which I would have no issue writing to him.

The last couple of weekends while going out with amazing people I’ve noticed myself being slightly more comfortable but still not all that comfortable with expressing my submissiveness, and that was with fellow kinky perverted people who have read my blog including stories of me being slapped and dominated and fucked. I don’t mean showing my submissvieness to them, but just talking about it.

I see others so secure in their submission and happy to proclaim to the world that they are submissive and I find myself having trouble with that. Perhaps it is because I am a switch. I can’t fully embrace my role as submissive because, although I feel submissive to Onyx, I do not feel wholly like a submissive. I cannot throw myself into submission with complete abandon because I am also a Top. Or, that is the roadblock I come to in my mind.

Although I don’t consciously think this is true, there is a part of me that thinks embracing submission fully would mean giving up the parts of myself that are not submissive. Call it internalized binary programming that says I have to be one or the other but never both. The way some people say someone can’t feel Dominant and submissive at the same time, but I highly disagree, I say I am always both and it is the people I am with and situations I am in that bring each out in me.

However, I don’t have any hesitations about expressing my dominant side. I think in part this is because it is less vulnerable, less private, in a way. I am more comfortable with it, but also because it seems to be less normative. It’s more “okay” to express because it somehow shakes up the expectations.

I feel the same way with sexuality and gender, I’m far more comfortable expressing my desires when they have to do with cis-females or trans-people than when they have to do with cis-males. Essentially, I’m far more comfortable expressing my queer sexuality than what would be seen as a hetero-sexuality, as if expressing desire for cis-males somehow makes me less queer. Of course, in some minds it does. In some minds it would completely invalidate any other expression of queerness.

Similarly with gender I have been desiring lately to express my masculine side, the personae (yes, plural) I designate as Quyn or Sebastian sometimes. I used to dress more masculine and drifted to the feminine and now I’m working on finding the way to be both or neither, to dress as I please. While I’m more comfortable expressing my femme drag queen gender identity I think because that, in some ways, is the one that is less normative, despite being assigned female at birth, but that’s a whole other post.

Perhaps in the same vein expressing submissive desires could somehow invalidate any expression of dominance. I’m not saying this is the case, but I do think that Aristotelian logic is so ingrained in our culture that it is difficult to work against. If we express ourselves as being on one side of a cultural binary we are not only saying what we are but we are saying what we are not. By this logic when I say I am submissive I’m also saying I’m not dominant. It works for everything, really: power, sexuality, gender, etc. All the identities I hold middle ground on, certainly, and others as well.

I’ve talked about this many times before, I know, and read about the phenomenon. It’s not new, but it is significant. The point I’m trying to make here, though, is that I’m more comfortable expressing one aspect but not another on these supposed binaries (and I should point out that I do not see power dynamics or sexualities as part of a binary system, but they are largely seen culturally to be so which makes operating outside of them difficult and that is why I am referring to them as binaries), and my comfortability seems to be backwards. I am comfortable expressing the non-normative desires, those outside what is culturally expected, when it’s usually (or so I think) the opposite.

I want to be just as comfortable expressing and embracing all of my identities, and the first step just like with anything is acknowledgement. I have internalized binary and aristotelian logic programming. I have internalized power dynamic programming. I can actively work on acknowledging this programming and work to move beyond it, and that’s what I’m trying to do. Instead of thinking of these socially contrary ideas in terms of conflict and feeling dissonance over them I want to get to a point of doublethink, where I am comfortable with embracing these identities that seem to be contradictory and am, further, comfortable in my own skin. That’s what it’s all about in the end, anyway.

Structures and Differences

Onyx and I have had many conversations since Marla came into the mix, understandably so. Sometimes things like these happen at the times you least expect them to, but they usually come at the right times for your life. The universe decided that now was the time for us to get a third or someone who may resemble a possible third or something similar, however it all works out.

These conversations have consisted quite a bit about our own relationship in addition to how Marla might fit in to that relationship. Basically we’re very open to whatever happens as far as her joining both of us or she and I foraging out our own relationship while she and Onyx getting to know each other and be friends as well. We kind of think the former is more likely than the latter, but it all depends on what happens and we aren’t going to put caveats on possibilities. She seems to be thinking along the same lines as us as well.

We’ve had many talks about how strange this all seems, how suddenly it has happened, how we weren’t looking for it to happen but it suddenly did. We’ve talked about how scary it is that it seems to all be working out so well and we all seem to be fitting in together. It’s not often that something comes along that feels so right.

Really the only thing that’s “wrong” with her is that she is also a Top/bottom switch (and I use “wrong” very lightly here). She and I had a conversation about that a bit tonight in which I don’t think she fully understood my meaning for a while. I’m not sure if she still understands what I meant by that, actually.

I went back and read through a few of my entries regarding switching, including the first one I wrote last summer, and I am amused at the changes that have happened since then. I wrote that I wouldn’t want to Top Onyx because I wouldn’t want to switch with one person but rather I would want to have set roles but be able to explore different set roles with different people.

This is still true to an extent, but not the extent that I don’t want to Top Onyx ’cause, well, that happens often. We’ve moved comfortably into a space where we switch freely. What is still true is that I do want to have set roles with different people, but those set roles can include switch. Maybe that seems counter-intuitive in a way, because how can switch be a set role, right? Basically what I mean is having a set role of a switch with someone means that you don’t have set roles, so it’s a bit of an oxymoron, but that’s the way I see it or at least the way I choose to label it, and I’m not sure if I made that clear.

I enjoy switching with one person. I enjoy switching with Onyx and I imagine I’ll enjoy switching with Marla, though our relationship hasn’t progressed to the physical just yet.

I think (and I could be wrong for everyone but at least for me) that switching with one person is mostly done on a Top/bottom level as opposed to a Dominant/submissive level or an Owner/slave level. This is opposed to switching with multiple people which would mean having different roles with different people–being submissive with A, an Owner with B, and a bottom with C for example.

Personally, I want to both be able to switch with one person and multiple people. Have set non-switch roles with some and switch with others. I’m pretty much up for whatever it is that works best with any given person I desire to have a relationship with.

The reason why Marla being a Top/bottom switch is something “wrong” with her (again, not really “wrong” just not ideal is more accurate) is because I already am with a Top/bottom switch and I have no outlet for other levels of power play. It’s not a bad thing or a negative in any way on her or on our potential for a relationship, but it’s a hindrance to something I’m desperately needing: power play.

This is not to say that Top/bottom play isn’t great, because it is, and I enjoy it immensely, but I also desire something more… permanent is maybe the best word? It’s difficult to use terms like this without sounding like I think that there is some inherent betterness to other forms of power play, but I don’t think that way. Power play is just one way to play and regardless of the permanence of the power (Top/bottom to Owner/slave) none is better except what works best for you.

That said, I do have the desire to work on different levels of power play, but I am also over trying to make my relationships to conform to something I want them to be, instead I just want them to be what they are. This may seem like a “duh” kind of attitude, but that’s what Onyx and I tried to do for so long: operate on a level that we didn’t work on. I didn’t really realize what I was doing at the time with trying to make us squeeze into that box, but now that I am aware of it I can try to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I’m open to whatever happens. I want to grow and explore with her and figure out what works right for us without putting limitations on it, and I think that’s what’s going to happen.

At the same time I also really want someone or someones I can play on a different power level with too. Basically: I just want it all.

Results of the Switching Test

After our switching attempt was almost over last weekend, Onyx and I talked about it and ended up extending our switch another week, until Sunday night, partially because both of us were enjoying it, and partially because we hadn’t really done too much, I was going a little too slow.

I actually had a harder time switching than he did at first. I had to work down the “you will not switch with Onyx” block I had in my head ever since I discovered my switch side just a few short months ago. It took me a few days to get over that, and I won’t say it’s completely gone now but I’m close to perfectly comfortable in this new role with him, and I’d say he is comfortable as well.

When I first started discovering and playing with my switch identity I thought I wouldn’t want to switch with one person. I thought it would be strange, that I wouldn’t like it, and I wouldn’t have at that point. My desires have changed dramatically lately, not only power- and kink-wise, but also in a myriad of other ways. The basic desires are all still the same, but the specifics are, in some cases, vastly different.

Onyx and I were both surprised at how much we enjoyed the ‘switched’ situation. We put an expiration date on it at the beginning because we knew we wouldn’t want to permanently change to Domina/submissive, but through exploring it what fits us became obvious. We decided to switch with each other on a regular basis, to not have general roles but be able to “pull rank” on the other whenever desired, basically opening up our relationship to be whatever it becomes.

I won’t say this is going to be how it will be forever, but it’s what feels perfect for this moment. We may end up finding someone else that we can always be dominant or submissive with, as well, but not at the same level I was forcing.

I feel like this has given us both room to breathe in some ways. We are able to just be as we feel in the moment. We are able to inhabit a dominant or submissive role because we want to and because we feel like it not because we feel like we have to.

Looking back I know I have been the main reason for throwing this relationship off track D/s-wise, because I was pushing too hard for something that is simply alien for us. We are not meant to have roles that are set in stone with each other, and we never really have except when I pushed for it. It’s nice to be able to breathe.

A Switching Test

Here is another identity that has come quite a long way in the last few months: Dominus and I have had issues with our relationship because of my newfound Domina identity, and especially with my lack of outlet for it. It’s difficult to embrace an identity when you have no one to explore it with, which really just creates frustration and ends up leaking out in our relationship. While I’ve gone online a few times, because I do believe that is a wonderful way to explore new fantasies and new desires, I’m too picky to just Dominate someone I don’t know very well, so it’s difficult.

I have been internalizing most of my questions and trying to figure out where he and I fit together with all of my new revelations about myself. I know that I am still submissive, that I still desire to submit, but my new Domina identity is more enticing at the moment because it is new and unknown. It’s not a conscious decision, but rather something I can’t always control yet since I do not know how to navigate between cuntpet and Domina yet, but I’m working on it.

Onyx and I have been talking quite a bit about our roles, our relationship, and how my new identities have been affecting both of those. I’ve been distant, for one, trying to figure out my internal identity struggle, trying to answer questions, some of which were answered in my Identity Musings posts, some of which I still have to answer.

A few things became apparent: he felt pressured into Dominating me and with all the stress going on at work as well as being unsure of my reaction to him, if I would be obviously receptive to his dominance or if I would not be, he wasn’t feeling motivated to Dominate me and not desiring to either. It was an additional worry, an additional burden, and neither of us are happy about that.

He said there are times that he just doesn’t want to have any responsibility, when he doesn’t want to have to think or decide anything, so I suggested we try switching. After a long somewhat exhausting talk we came to that decision, and as of this morning we have “switched.”

It’s been subtle so far, mostly just asking him to do things for me more than I normally would as well as me having the ultimate decision making. We’ll do more as the weekend goes on, I’ll take more power and expect more compliance, but so far he’s been doing remarkably well, and is asking me if I need anything at various times.

As submissives know, what he requested was not exactly all that a submissive does. We have responsibility and do have to think at all times, and I’m not trying to say that is not the case. However, there is a much different responsibility and different things to think about when being submissive than when being Dominant or even not participating in D/s at all, and it is those two types of responsibility he is trying to get away from.

We’ll talk at length about this, of course, and I’ll post about all of the activities and thoughts of the weekend on Monday.

Recognition of a Switch

I recently changed my role on FetLife to switch. In some ways this is a minor change, I’ve called myself a “cuntpet who Tops on occasion” for quite a while, but these desires are moving from occasional to more frequent.

As Master said when I mentioned that I was thinking about embracing this new identity: now that I have a better idea of my submissive side it’s time to delve into another aspect of myself. He said it half-jokingly, but I know in some ways he’s right. My way of delving into myself is much like my way of delving into relationships: one thing must be solid before I can move on to the next. He didn’t seem surprised when I mentioned it to him, and I have a feeling many of you won’t be either.

Now that I’ve had some major changes in how I express my submissive side, and have a more solid mental base for our relationship I am able to explore that other side of myself, the Top side, the (dare I say it?) Domme side. I’ve never suppressed or denied this aspect of myself exactly, I was just focused on another aspect at the time. I’ve been told by many friends whenever I “came out” as kinky that they expected me to inhabit a dominant role, and I’ve been told by a few friends that they thought I have more Domme in me than I would admit to.

Well, that was true. I’ve struggled with my Top side for many reasons, but especially because it would come poking out when Master and I were having troubles, at least I think that’s what it was. I would get so frustrated that I would try to Top him into dominating me and, really, it didn’t work out that well. Topping from the bottom, yes, but not because I’m not also a bottom but because I wasn’t getting what I needed.

That’s all changed, of course, but I do find myself craving more. Not just a woman, though I’ve been craving that for quite some time, but another partner to play with, to explore this other side of myself. I would not want to switch with Master. I can’t see myself Topping him, nor do I want to Top him. I can’t see myself switching with one person, perhaps because my desire and love of power exchange is that it is constant and stable, not changing, but consistent. This isn’t to say that those who do switch with one partner are bad or doing it wrong or not stable or not consistent. Heavens no! I’m just saying that, for me, that’s how I view it.

Perhaps it has to do with the level of power exchange which I desire, though I’m not sure on that. I know that if I was to take on a sub it would have to be casual at first, but I would end up wanting a rather high level of control in the end. Remember, I’m a control freak, and basically want all or nothing. There would have to be some negotiating and figuring out how me having someone would work into Master’s and my relationship, but I can definitely see myself owning someone at some point in time. This is something I’ve thought a lot about, actually, although it’s jumping the gun quite a bit at this point.

I also think “switch” has a lot of the same (negative) connotations that “bisexual” does, such as fence-sitting, not committing, unsure of what they want, not able to commit to anything long-term, really one way and pretending to be the other, things like that. This is part of the reason why I have chosen to start embracing the term.

Switches are misunderstood in many ways as well, I think. Hell, I’ve had many misconceptions and misinterpretations of what switch means, but only before I started training myself to not view labels as fixed identities but as helpful hints to one of many aspects of a person (though I don’t achieve this all the time, I’m working on it).

I may have to change the subtitle to add “and Top” at the end of it. Maybe after I get more settled into this new identity. I need to try it on in a very real way first, not just in my head.

Power in Submission

The essay for my Queer Theory class… hopefully it’s somewhat coherent, I’m not quite sure if it is.

A man and woman go out to dinner at a restaurant. The woman opens the door for the man to enter the establishment, she pulls out the chair for him before he sits down, and when the waiter comes to take their orders, she orders for the both of them. In this situation, who is submissive? Is it the man, is he being lead and treated as a subordinate by his mistress? Or is it the woman, is she an adept submissive who is serving her owner by taking care of his needs?
A man and woman are in their bedroom, the woman is on her knees and receives a slap to her cheek, then a hand in her hair, gripping it and pulling it back tight. She is spit on as her face is made to look upward, and then slapped again. The man sits on the bed and drags her with him, tugging her across his knee to give her a spanking, not satisfied until her ass is a bright shade of red. She is screaming and struggling, but despite being physically capable of freeing herself, she does not for fear of repercussions. Is this scenario depicting abuse, or simply play?
Both of these scenarios show potential ambiguity within power exchange relationships, but in very different ways. The first demonstrates the diversity of what power exchange relationships can look like, the second is a more shocking representation of what play can look like, and how to an outside observer, it could appear to be abuse. The point of both of these is to show the diversity and fragility of what could or could not be consensual power play activities. There is not just one way to experience or practice relationships of this type.
Often when subjects such as sadomasochism, or BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadism/masochism), are explored relationships which break social norms are analyzed, such as gay or lesbian BDSM relationships, or heterosexual relationships in which the normative power structure is reversed: the female is dominant, the male is submissive. The paring which on the surface goes along with societal norms is sometimes dismissed as patriarchal because the male partner is dominant while the female partner is submissive. Despite what seems like a patriarchal situation, male-dominant/female-submissive relationships are built on both parties having equal power over the relationship, though unequal roles in power exchange scenarios.

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Empowerment and Submission

A fast-write to help me with my paper, and to entertain you all, of course.

How is it empowering to be a female submissive in a heterosexual relationship? That’s the question, really, and sometimes I’m not sure how to answer it. Although I feel empowered within my relationship, in many ways, it’s also a question of power and choice. If I was ordered about and such in a relationship where I had no choice, no power, and was still ordered and bossed around it would be far from empowering. Or, in a relationship where I was spanked, slapped, and had my hair pulled on a regular basis and I didn’t enjoy it or didn’t want it or didn’t request it, I would be far from empowered.

I’ve heard the argument said that since patriarchy imposes these ideas of submission onto us, as female subs we are essentially just buying into that patriarchy, into that system which subordinates us, into that perpetuation of gender stereotypes and roles.

Now, I’m not one who believes in gender supremacy. I don’t think that just because my Master is male he therefore has some right to be dominant or some right to be above me. That’s just not true. It’s due to my desire to serve and his desire to be served that we come to these roles, and not anything else. Now, speaking as a feminist as well, I can see the previous argument. I can see it as a valid argument, I just damn well don’t agree with it. I believe in individuality, which could also be said to be a product of the culture we live in. However, I extend individuality to much more than male/female roles.

I use the terms M/f and F/m and so on because there are these ideas such as gender supremacy and patriarchal brainwashing which often accompany bdsm (and wrongly so in most cases). I think there are some trends that many M/f couples follow and many F/m couples follow, and there are differences, but those are largely regarding individual differences and choices. While there may be similarities, I don’t think that those are wholly based on gender. However, I do think the terms M/f and F/m and M/m and F/f are all useful, just as I think labels in general are useful. That is: as long as we don’t stick to rigidly to them. I use these terms because of the patriarchal and social connections to them, but not meaning to generalize to those groups.

That said, I don’t really identify as a femsub. I identify as cuntpet and submissive, but female isn’t really something I cling to, though femme is, but I still don’t identify as femsub, mostly for the reason I’ve already mentioned. The majority of the time, there is some sort of lumping or categorization of all fem subs as this and all male subs as that, and etc. And I just don’t buy it.

Now, back to the original point: empowerment. How is BDSM empowering? How can I say that through giving up power to another person I am empowered? Well, BDSM is all about power, it’s all about playing with power and what it means to have power. Through playing with power we are able to recognize that there is no innate or natural power which one person has. All power is constructed, all power is socially given, and none of it is inherent to the person.

Now, through play with power and the recognition of this I am able to realize that, also, there is great power in the giving up of power. Even though vulnerability is so devalued in this society, that does not mean that there is not power in it. I also get to practice passive aims, which I do not see as a bad thing. Passive aims can be described as “being active through being passive,” and can be considered manipulative, though I don’t believe that they always are. Through giving over power I am putting myself into the passive role, into the subordinate role, but in doing that I am achieving my aim, my desire, and getting just what I want out of it. If I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of it, I wouldn’t be doing it.

That brings me to another point. All power play, even that which is commonly referred to as Master/slave, where, basically, the slave has no power, no rights, and has little ways to get out of the situation short of leaving it all together, there is still the ability to leave. Even in Venus in Furs we are able to see that Severin is able to leave, and he does so when it goes too far, though he realizes that he is a man of his word. Granted, there is a lot of psychological turmoil which may occur due to leaving a situation which you have agreed upon and pledged your life to, but there is always the choice, even if we can’t make it.

Because the sub always has the choice of leaving, or safewording, or calling limits, the question comes to: who really runs the show? Is it the Dom/me, even though the sub has continuous veto power? Is that like saying that the President has no hand in passing bills, even though s/he has the power to veto them? I don’t think anyone would make that claim. It’s the same here. However, that’s not to say that the sub has all the power, but it is a power exchange, not just power giving and taking. There is power given up on both sides, otherwise the Dominants of today would look much more like the sadists of DeSade.

Which brings me to my next point: masochism and sadism ala Deleuze. While I agree with Deleuze’s points, that sadism and masochism as literary forms, taken right from the works of Sade and Masoch, are not complementary. Sade’s sadists Sade-ists, if you will, are remarkably different from the contemporary use of the term sadist. Sade-ists do not desire consent, and, even, desire no consent. Their play is completely one-sided. Contemporary sadists, however, are generally part of this greater term BDSM, and submit to either RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual), and are not rapists or mutilators, but partners. Sade-ists as depicted are rapists and mutilators and humiliators, and ones which are not desiring of consent.

This brings me to yet another point: consent. BDSM is not BDSM without consent. Not in my view at least. Consent is key, as can be evidenced by two general theories of bdsm play previously mentioned: RACK and SSC, both of which center around consent. If there is not consent, it is abuse. I believe that in order to get consent, there must be trust on both sides. Master and I have had a lot of trouble with our relationship specifically because of lack of trust, either in each other or in ourselves. We both have struggled with trusting ourselves in these roles. I have struggled in trusting that he will not see me any differently if I submit to him (logically I know it’s true, but I still have struggled with it). And so many other little things which have hindered our process.

Without trust, consent is impossible. Without consent, BDSM and RACK or SSC are not possible. However, when you have both of these, the feeling is amazing.

Time is a Dressmaker Specializing in Alterations

Well, lets just say that yesterday (Friday) was worse than the day before, which I roundaboutly posted about. I won’t go into details here, but lets just say what little faith I had left in humanity (if at all) now has dissipated completely, and with little hope of coming back (at least for a while).

I didn’t, on Thursday, get what I was so desperately needing: domination. Instead, I got our usual routine. And, of course, since I didn’t get what I wanted (even though my only indication was a post–though he is supposed to read them) I was, of course, pissy. Because that’s what I do when I don’t get my way on things (very submissive of me, right? ;P ). I can’t help it, I want to be the instructional submissive like Deluze says that Severin in Venus in Furs is. I want to be leading the show even though I’m not. I want to be dominated when I want to be dominated, and not later, and definitely not not at all.

Of course, this throws a wrench in some of Master’s plans… but… well… sometimes I just need it. I do, however, need to learn how to better communicate this need. I also need to learn how to be submissive on his time, and not on my time, but… that’s hard as well. What I really want is a more stable and regular domination and submission routine. I mean, we call each other O/cp and 24/7, but we’ve been struggling. I mean, lets face it, life gets in the way of it sometimes, as well as various other things which can get in the way. This happens to all of us at one time or another, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Our problem, though, is that once it slips it’s really really really hard to gain it back.

The solution: I end up getting so fed up with the situation that I get irritable which leads to both of us pulling away, which leads to me getting insecure and upset, and ends up with me bawling and bitching about all the problems of our relationship, and that I’m not getting the domination which I so desperately crave. This sort of works, and it has slightly changed as time has gone on. I’ve been trying to get better at speaking up before I get quite to that point. I’ve been working on trying to express my desires (mostly in writing), but that doesn’t always help either. The big problem is that I end up getting to a point where I don’t want to put the effort in because I have done this many times before.

However, this time we may see more lasting effects. Friday night I was talking with Kat online, after finding out some devastating news. I wanted Master. I needed him to take me and cuddle me for a small bit and then proceed to beat and fuck me until I was in a different head space than I was thinking of the devastation which had just occurred. I’m sure he was feeling badly about it as well, but we weren’t even talking about it. We both shut down, as we are both wont to do. I lay in bed, stewing, chatting with Kat, and with the desire to go into a b.com chat room and just find someone random to dominate me. I realized how horrible that was, as my Master was not 10 feet away from me at the time.

I brought this up, and Kat and I got to talking about it. It’s been quite a while that Master and I have been working on things. At first I thought it was me, maybe this isn’t really what I want, maybe it’s a fantasy, but as I found myself seeking out domination in other areas when I was not receiving it, I realized that no, it’s not me.

One problem, though, is that I want to be dominated. I want to have no choice in the matter, either. I want to be completely overpowered by another’s will, and I want to love every second of it. He, however, doesn’t want to make it a battle all the time to get me to do things, and I don’t really want that either, but that seems to be what always happens. He wants me to submit to him, he wants me to do it automatically without him having to work for it. While a lot of me wants that too, I need to be shown that he actually can dominate me, that he can master me, and since he tends to give in a little too early to my demands, it hasn’t quite sunk in… yet.

“Mastery isn’t just telling someone what to do. It’s also creating the environment in which your submissive will do what you want even without being told. It is creating an environment in which they only have the one choice, and that is of doing what you want.” (from The Control Book by Peter Masters) This is what I want. This is what I need. An environment where I am mastered, where I have to do what I’m told or what is requested or expected of me, not just because I’m doing it, but because I have to, because the need to do so is within me.

I know the possibility of this has been here, it’s been lingering just out of reach for quite some time. We have moments, streaks of it, after one of the aforementioned blow ups, after I’ve exposed the issues of our relationship, and we have talked it over and decided to give it another go, to really try this time, to not let it go. It works wonderfully for a day or two, once up to a week, but then we get lazy again, and we start slacking off.

Well, after the blow up I had last night, within which I essentially said “I need this from you or I need to find it somewhere else” Master decided to put us in high protocol for the rest of the weekend. It has been wonderful. I had some issues Friday, but tonight has been better. I don’t think I’ve gotten pissy once tonight. I’ve been trying to follow protocol and to do as instructed when instructed, and all that good stuff that comes along with high protocol.

He’s mentioned that he really has enjoyed it thus far as well, and we just had a wonderful spanking then fucking session before I started to write this post. I feel happy and contented in a way I haven’t quite felt in a long time. I am nearly always happy and contented with him in general, but sometimes there is that nagging feeling that something isn’t right, that something is missing. But now, that’s not here anymore. I just hope it lasts. That may be a bleak statement, but this has happened before. However, I’m going to try my hardest to keep it going.

One of the most important things in this is that I feel like I need to prove something to him, to show him that we can work this way (and to prove to myself a little too). I need to show him that this is what I want and that he is what I want, so I am doing my damnedest to follow protocol and submit to him. But, not only that, he is enforcing things as well, so he is making it so that I am striving to submit to him (which makes his job easier) and he is correcting me when I make mistakes (which is making my job easier). Really it ends up being a give and take on both sides of things, it just doesn’t seem like it as much from the outside.

All power exchange is a matter of mutual give and take, mutual receptivity and instructing, regardless of the role which either partner may be inhabiting. Without both partners doing their part there is no way to move forward. And we are moving forward now, and I have a feeling this has been a turning point, more than the others, and this one will last.

Power Drag

This is just a draft, I’m working on organizing my ideas of this, once I get it down perfectly I’m going to post it to communities and such.

This concept was actually the idea of Lisa Diamond, Ph.D, a professor of mine here at the University of Utah. We were talking about BDSM in my Gender and Sexual Orientation class yesterday, and this is a concept which she came up with.

What does it mean?
The term “power drag” is playing on the same idea as gender drag is, most notably Judith Butler’s idea of performativity, that all gender is drag, all gender is constructed “woman is to drag not as original is to copy, but as copy is to copy. all gender is drag” (paraphrased). This does this by showing that gender is simply a performance, and regardless of the body that masculinity or femininity is placed upon it is still masculinity and femininity.
What power within BDSM and specifically D/s or M/s relations does is emphasize the power dynamics between the two people, going to one extreme of power, with absolute power and absolute submission, it is showing that power is a performance, and without an exchange of power no power can be gained or lost. Power drag shows that there is no natural power dynamic between people just as there is no natural gender.
However, just as one cannot escape gender, one cannot escape power dynamics either, but power drag brings awareness to the power dynamics between all people, not just people within BDSM relationships. It shows the constructedness of “natural” power, such as white dominance or male dominance, even when it is a white male dominating a non-white female there is still a choice being made as opposed to blindly accepting the dominance of the white male. Most obviously this constructedness or non-naturalness is shown when a female dominates a male or when a non-white person dominates a white person, or any other inequalites (age, class, ability, etc.).

Why is it important?
By exposing the non-naturalness of power dynamics between people we can begin to play with power (though we in BDSM have been doing that for a long time now already) and we show how power is fluid, and power dynamics can change from moment to moment. The realization of power drag could help both with keeping roles within relationships strict or being able to relax the usually strict roles within our relationships.

Gender drag is to Gender as Power drag is to Power?

What else? I’m sure there’s more I can/should talk about. What kinds of questions do you all have about this? What else should be included in a conceptualization of power drag? What else do I need to discuss?
This is so huge and I’m so excited by it that I don’t quite know how to cover everything or what I’m missing.

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